


Walk the Line

by Metamorphosis2011 (Methamorphosis2011)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Age Difference, Alcoholism, Angst, Cas/OCs, Coming Out, Dean/OCs, First Time, Happy Ending, Homophobia, M/M, Neglect, Sammy is adorable, Underage depending on what your country's AOC is, initially unrequited one-sided Dean/Cas, the occasional schmoop, very slow build (because of subject matter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-04 16:11:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 36
Words: 244,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1083027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methamorphosis2011/pseuds/Metamorphosis2011
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At just 26, Castiel Novak thought he had it all, or at least as much as he could ask for. He was on his way to finishing his doctorate, had recently married and now embarked on the challenge of becoming a homeowner. Taking the neighbor's kids under his wings had not been part of his life's plan. Neither was having to face the truth about his sexuality and finally confronting his family. But most of all he had never expected to find friendship and solace in the form of the older brother, Dean Winchester, who had his own demons to fight. Before long their unlikely friendship was threatening to lead them down a dangerous path as feelings got involved.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another one of my Destiel ideas that wouldn't leave me alone and finally made it into the written form. This is totally AU, although I am trying to keep the characters as close to canon as possible with regards to their personality traits. I am taking some liberties, obviously, especially with little Sammy, who might be based in parts on my totally crazy and adorable 9 year old.
> 
> I'm kind of excited and a bit nervous about this story, as it will deal with the quite delicate matter of changing feelings towards someone once they transition from childhood to adulthood. 
> 
> The rating might change in later chapters.
> 
> The first 5 chapters are all almost done, although I do not know the total chapter count yet.
> 
> Also I'm excited to have YumeNoTsuzuki beta'ing for me again. She's already been a big help these first few chapters. 
> 
> Gonna shut up now, and hope you enjoy the prologue.

Prologue

As far as moving up in the world was concerned, this definitely was not it. Especially bearing in mind the nice, leafy, suburban neighbourhood back in Oklahoma City he grew up in. But it was all two post grad students on part-time assistant salaries could afford (even with the help of willing parents) but at least it was theirs. There was some kind of satisfaction to be had from the fact that they would not be lining some fat cat's pockets with their hard earned cash even if that meant having to compromise on the location.

Castiel stood outside the white clad two storey building he and his wife now called their home, studying the exterior extensively. He internally added to his already rather long list of all the things that needed to be fixed, categorising them as 'had to be done yesterday' or 'when we will get round to it'. He liked doing lists. They helped him feel organised and in control, despite the fact that this 'predisposition' of his had led to a great many ribbings from his older siblings over the years. People who said the youngest in a family had it easy, clearly had never laid eyes on his three brothers and one sister. It was not without good reason Castiel had decided to break with the family tradition and study in Chicago instead of OklahomaUniversity like all his siblings had.

He sighed at the thought of his family; he missed and didn't miss them at the same time. It was a complicated relationship but he shouldn't let that dampen his mood. It was a sunny and warm June morning and the sun was warming his face nicely. They couldn't have asked for better weather for the move. Not like the storm front that had decided to pass by and drench them and all their guests on their wedding day. Just the short walk from the church to the cars had everybody soaked to the skin -  umbrellas had little effect in the gale force like winds. It made for some _interesting_ wedding pictures though.

The 'sold' sign was still up on the front lawn, swinging in the light morning breeze. He could even hear the odd chirp of some birds, as the roads were mainly quiet at this time of morning. Castiel rested himself against the frame of his car and just let the scenery in front of him unfold. This was definitely one of the less desired neighbourhoods in Chicago, as could be seen by the varying degrees of neglect manifesting on some of the surrounding houses, but it was by far not the worst. The orangey glow of the sun even managed to temporarily make it look quaint. From his extensive research (another one of his pet peeves), Castiel had gathered that the area was mainly safe, even at night, apart from the odd gangs of unruly teenagers causing trouble on occasion. Nothing much out of the ordinary for any city neighbourhood these days. But he was only too aware that they were only a few streets away from one of the roughest parts of Chicago, and only hoped that the realtor hadn't been lying when he swore to them that trouble really never spilled over into this area.

Still, something about this house had spoken to both Amelia and him, and the price was very favourable, so they decided to take the risk, even though upon hearing about the house and its location, his parents had scrunched up their noses in discomfort and asked them to reconsider And that, quite frankly, had been the final straw for Castiel. He hadn't had many occasions for rebellion during his rather strict upbringing, so whenever a 'no matter how small' opportunity for some satisfying passive aggressive protest presented itself, he tended to jump on it. Not very mature, he knew, but it was not as though he had ever done much in terms of juvenile delinquency, so he allowed himself this little character flaw.

And as for the house, it came with an installed security system, and anyway, it was not like there was much to take. Their furniture consisted mainly of cast offs from friends and relatives. Other than their laptops and an extensive book collection, any thief would be welcome to help themselves to whatever. Even their car looked kind of shabby compared to that shiny, black old-timer across the road.

Castiel consoled himself with the knowledge that this would just be a stepping stone, and once he and Amelia will have finished their doctorates, they would be able to find tenure and move out of here to a slightly more upmarket area. He huffed, amused, under his breath. Weird, how he already thought about moving on, not even having started to unpack the boxes the movers were currently carrying into the house. His wife of one month was waving her hands frantically, giving out orders where she wanted what and Castiel knew better than to get involved; too many cooks and all that.

He already knew that later, when she was distracted, he would rearrange things slightly more to his liking. He appreciated his things being placed in a certain order, as Amelia had found out the hard way, when she had innocently "rearranged" the furniture in his apartment, only to have him freak and demand it all to be put back. But despite his quirks, they made it work (though he had a big learning curve of making concessions along the way), and it had turned into a well practiced back and forth dance between them once she had moved into his apartment a few months after they started going out. (Incidentally, another occasion where his parents had rolled their eyes at him, well they would have if his parents did do the eye roll thing. But they definitely did let him know their discontent: co-habitation prior to marriage was another thing frowned upon in the Novak family).

He never had expected to marry quite this young, just having turned 26. He had had this whole 10 year plan to finish his studies, maybe travel a bit in between, and then bank himself a good job; generally a wife and a house had not featured in those plans. But then he met Amelia during his last year as an undergrad, and they connected on so many levels, that Castiel, in the time of a few months could say with confidence that he was in love with her.

His parents, old fashioned and firm on upholding the family values (all his siblings had been married by the time they were 26), had been doing their part at urging him on to make an 'honest woman' of Amelia. Her family was more middle-of-the-road, but had taken to him, so they hadn't really raised any questions when Castiel proposed not eight months after they first started going out. And maybe, just maybe, he did rush into this marriage a bit, although he generally chose not to think about it too much.

But deep down Castiel knew (had known even back then) that this might be his only shot at leading, what was so plainly termed, a 'normal life' and so he had grabbed hold of it with both hands. Amelia had in fact been the first woman he harboured any kind of feelings, which could remotely be described as romantic, for. Not that he had been particularly attracted to anyone, or if he was being totally honest with himself, allowed himself to be attracted to anyone. Life had just been easier without the added complication of relationships.

And now he had made his choice, and despite any doubts that occasionally might rear their ugly heads, he was committed to his wife, hoping that it was this commitment that would keep his other, unwelcome desires under control (and that those were very unwelcome, not to say 'not natural', his parents had instilled in their kids from a very young age). He was praying they would just disappear completely over time. Because if anything, Castiel was loyal, a man of his word and he would find a way of making this work. Amelia deserved nothing less, and on a whole, he could say that he was happy, and that had to count for something.

#

It took exactly three hours after moving in for the force of nature, also known as Dean and Sam Winchester to come barrelling into Castiel's life and knock it off its axis. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 1 for your enjoyment. Don't expect the next chapter to be up quite so fast though. I am planning on posting once a week but with the time of year please forgive me if I don't quite manage that. That said, the next 4 chapters are all more or less written.
> 
> This fic will have some jumps in time, sometimes as much as a few months. I'm trying to cover a 10 year period by the end of this fic and need some ebb and flow in the pacing. I hope they're all pretty self explanatory. If not please let me know.

 

"What in the name of everything was that?" Castiel came charging out of the room that one day would hopefully be his study, ran down the stairs, two steps at a time, and came to a stop in the hall, almost tripping over the football that had left a shattered living room window in its wake. His wife was already there, staring in disbelief at the glass mess on the floor.

Castiel walked up to the broken window and looked out, seeing a boy of no older than eight or nine standing shell-shocked, gawking, while an older boy was tugging at his arm frantically, urging him to just run.

Before he could think, Castiel, enraged that his new home was already being vandalised – he just knew this neighbourhood was trouble, research and realtor be damned - stormed out the front door and towards the boys.

"Hey!" he shouted, and must have sounded mightily intimidating if the way the younger boy flinched was anything to go by.

"Sammy, come on," the older boy yelled, still trying to get the smaller kid to move.

"Was this you?" Castiel demanded, coming to a stop and staring down the younger kid, Sammy, his brain provided for him.

"I, I'm sorry, Mr. We were just playing catch and … I didn't mean to. It was an accident and…" The boy stammered, big hazel, scared eyes looking up at Castiel from behind a mop of wild hair, a look that immediately took all the wind out of Castiel's sail. Not that he really knew what to say next, now that his immediate rage was diffused. He really had no experience dealing with these kinds of situations, read: _kids_. They were a species to themselves as far as Castiel was concerned. Guess, like so many other things in his life recently, that was about to change.

"No," the older boy protested, catching Castiel's attention and stepping in front of the smaller kid protectively.

"Sir, it was not him. It was me, and it was not on purpose. I was just trying to teach him to catch a good kick. Please, you must believe me," he pleaded, holding Castiel's gaze while keeping the smaller kid back behind him with one hand.

Castiel took in a deep breath. He couldn't help but admire the way the older boy was trying to protect his friend, brother? He could sympathize, being one of five children; sure they did occasionally get into trouble in their days, despite probably having had some of the strictest parents in the whole of Oklahoma. Although he doubted that any of his brothers would have stood up for him like that, Anna possibly, on a good day.

"Ok, ok. I … Just calm down." Castiel ran his hands through his hair, coming to rest on his neck and giving it a rub. "I know accidents happen. It's just a window, nothing that can't be fixed. Still, I will need to talk to your parents and ask them to replace it." There, 'understanding' but 'authoritative', Castiel was rather pleased with himself.

At the mention of their parents both boys grew rigid. Well, of course they would be uncomfortable; probably they would get grounded for a few days for this. God, if it had been him, their dad would have given him a talking to he wouldn't have forgotten in a hurry. Castiel's memory drifted back to the only time he actually got in trouble with his dad, and indeed, it was like he could still feel the sting on his backside. After all, that was how kids learned from their mistakes, Castiel mused, although he knew that these days (and god, that thought made him feel old) kids generally weren't supposed to be punished in that way anymore.

"No. Mr. Please, do not tell our dad." The older boy now all but begged, dragging Castiel out of his little trip down memory lane, his voice wavering and his posture suddenly not so confident anymore. His eyes darted between the houses, coming to rest on the house opposite, the one with the black car, as though he was expecting something or someone to come at him. "I, I will pay for it. I …just please, don't tell."

Castiel just eyed the boy, perplexed at the sudden outburst, raising an eyebrow questioningly. How was a kid, he would guess of about twelve or thirteen, going to pay for a replacement window? Unless he was one of those diligent kids, that saved all their pocket money. Then again, the clothes the boys wore didn't exactly scream money, well, this whole neighbourhood didn’t really. Probably quite a few of its inhabitants were on welfare of some kind or other. And Castiel was really trying not to sound like a snob, even to himself, with limited success if he was being honest.

"It's just …" Dean picked up on the man's calculating look, and quickly calmed himself. He could not afford to raise too many suspicions. He had been holding his family together for so long, ever since his mom had died in a stupid car crash and his dad had grown fonder of the JD than his children, having told a good few lies in the process. He knew he had gotten rather good at it when he put his mind to it. Trying to put on his best Sunday school smile, he continued. "Just, our dad is really stressed at the moment, he had a bit of a hard time, being in between jobs, he _is_ looking though, but we really haven't got the money to spare right now. But … I'm _really good_ with DIY and I could work for you to pay off the window. I could tend to your garden, help you with the move, just please; he doesn't need the extra stress right now." And he flashed the man in front of him another confident smile, the one that got him out of trouble before.

Castiel didn't quite know what to say to that. The boy barely even took a breath while giving his speech and the younger boy was peeking at him sheepishly from behind the older kid. There was just something about the boy's determination he couldn't help but respect, though still he couldn't shake the feeling that he was being played. God, he had never been good with kids, what on earth was he supposed to do?

Luckily, he didn't need to make a decision as his wife chose that moment to appear next to him, smiling warmly at the boys.

"So, do we have you to thank for the smashed window?" She asked but her voice was warm and welcoming. Both boys nodded their heads in silent agreement.

"What are your names?" She asked them.

Dean glanced suspiciously at her, she seemed a little too friendly, but knew better than not to answer. "Dean, my name is Dean, and this is my brother Sammy."

"Hello Dean and Sammy. Do you live around here?"

"Yes, we live just there, Ma'am." Dean said, pointing to a shabby looking house across the road, the pristine black car in stark contrast to the rest of the house.

Amelia chuckled. "First, please call me Amelia. Ma'am makes me feel really old." Dean and Sammy both smiled at that. "And this is my husband Castiel."

Both boys eyes shot up at the peculiar name, something Castiel has gotten quite used to over the years. It was what you got for growing up in an extremely old fashioned, religious family, burdening all their children with biblical names, and not of the popular variety.

"Go on, ask," he said, rolling his eyes slightly.

"Does it have a meaning?" It was Sammy who asked, finally having stepped out of his older brother's shadow, with child like curiosity, that Castiel couldn't help but find endearing, reminding him of his younger self.

"Yes, it means Angel of Thursday, and yes, my family is very religious," he added, anticipating Sam's next question. Sam nodded, curiosity apparently satisfied and the boys started shuffling on their feet nervously, waiting for the inevitable.

Dean's jaw clenched tight, if Castiel and Amelia would go to their dad, all this, all that was left of his family, could come crashing down. His dad was not in a good place right now, Dean knew it was only a phase and he would come out of it soon enough, just like he had been able to before. But just right now, he didn't need anyone snooping around in his family's business. Why oh why did they smash that stupid window?

"The window," Amelia started after a moment of tense silence, like she could read Dean's mind.

"Oh yes," Castiel remembered why they were all here after all. He turned to his wife. "Now, Dean has informed me that his father is currently looking for a job and hence cannot afford to pay for the window at this time. But Dean has offered to help around the house in repayment, assuring me he is very versed in DIY." Castiel told his wife, giving her a 'they don't want their dad to know, because probably he is not treating them very nicely' look. It was just the vibes he had gotten from both boys when they had been slightly too adamantly protesting and that had roused Castiel’s suspicions, but of course, he could be totally wrong. One thing he was generally not, and that was being good at reading between the lines. But he did not want to cause the boys, who on second glance seemed rather nice and polite, any undue trouble, and in the end, it _was_ only a window.

"And I'm good at gardening as well, and no offence, but your lawn has seen better days," Dean added more confidently, feeling like he almost had them where he wanted them.

"Oh, I'm sure we can arrange something," Amelia smiled, nodding her head in understanding. "Why don't we start by serving you guys some lemonade and then maybe you could start to clear out the backyard for us, while Castiel unpacks, and I will make a few calls, seeing how fast this window can be replaced."

Dean and Sam both let out a big sigh of relief. "Yes Ma'am," Dean confirmed and at Amelia's raised eyebrows corrected himself immediately. "Yes, Amelia."

"Ok, that's settled." She laughed. "But maybe it would be best to let your parents know where you're going first."

Amelia and Castiel were startled when both boys started talking simultaneously, Sammy started with a "Don't matter, our dad…," while Dean said something along the lines of "Dad's out," before nudging Sammy with his foot to shut up.

"I mean, dad has gone to the shops, weekly shopping you know, and me and Sammy don't generally like to tag along. He should be back in a couple of hours."

Dean was not sure whether he had pulled it off but to his relief the adults didn't question him further, instead motioning for them to follow them to their house. And maybe following some people he didn't know into their house was not a smart idea but thanks to that smashed window, he didn't feel like he had many options. Worst case, he knew how to throw a punch, should they turn out to be psychopaths.

#

"The door," Castiel yelled from upstairs, where he was currently busy painting the walls, paint splatters all over his hand and face.

"I got it," Amelia confirmed, already halfway down the stairs.

She opened the door to find Dean and Sam standing on the porch and couldn't keep the surprise off her face. To be honest, neither she nor Castiel had expected to see the boys again after last Saturday, when they had, true to Dean's word, spent all morning clearing the backyard of overgrown weeds and general debris, before excusing themselves as their dad would be expecting them back home. They hadn't as much as set eyes on them all week, and assumed they had probably lied about where they lived.

"Dean, Sammy, what are you doing here?" She smiled at them.

Dean looked at her like she was a bit slow on the uptake which, to be fair, she kind of was.

"It's Saturday," he simply stated.

"Oh, right. You're here to work."

"Yes, we are. I said I would work off the debt." Sammy nodded eagerly in agreement. Dean's dad might not be the same person he had been before their mom's death, but he had always instilled in his boys to be true to their word, and Dean intended on not owing Castiel and Amelia anything.

"Ok, come in. Castiel look who's here!" she yelled up the stairs, and a moment later Castiel appeared, looking just as surprised as she had a moment ago.

"You're painting," Dean took in Castiel's speckled face.

“Well, I'm trying to," Castiel responded, sounding like he'd rather be doing anything else.

"I can help with that. I mean, my dad taught me how to, when we redecorated the house a while back. Picked up some tricks," Dean said (conveniently omitting that the last time their dad had really shown him anything had been almost three years ago. The day of the accident had been the last time Dean had seen his dad sober for more than a day or two).

"Well, why don't you help Cassie then and I’ll see if I can find something for Sammy to do. Come on Sammy." Amelia placed a hand on his shoulder motioning for him to join her in the living room. Dean tried not to laugh at the pet name, but Cassie, really? What was wrong with something like Cas? Cas would suit the man a lot better, Dean decided.

Dean waited patiently for instructions but none were forthcoming. They stayed unmoving in the hallway for some reason. "Well… lead the way," he said when he couldn't take this awkwardness any more. This Castiel dude was weird, not psychopath 'I'm going to kill you in the middle of the night' weird, but not exactly normal either. The term 'nutty professor' came to mind.

"Oh, right. Follow me." Castiel walked up the stairs, gesturing for Dean to follow him. Dean couldn't help but let out a small chuckle at Castiel's confused expression.

#

Just like they had the week before, the boys turned up again the following Saturday. Castiel had moved on from the study to painting the living room, while Amelia was working on the garden. It still was not his favourite thing to do, but he cared to think that he was getting better at it.

Castiel stared at the kids with curiosity, in between trying to paint the wall and not spill any of the paint. He was not sure whether he needed to make conversation while they were doing this or whether it would be acceptable to just quietly work side by side. Castiel really, really wasn't very experienced when it came to kids. He just didn't know how to relate to them. Generally, people only became interesting to him once they could be engaged in a meaningful conversation. Even as a child he had preferred the company of adults to people his own age. Maybe he was just weird like that or maybe he just needed to escape his siblings. Kids just brought chaos into his otherwise well organised world, and while Castiel knew and accepted that Amelia one day wanted kids, it had seemed so far in the future that he hadn't needed to think about it. He was sure he could rise to the challenge when he needed to, but he didn't think the time would come quite so soon.

And yet, somehow he had ended up in the company of two just such specimens, throwing his beloved order in disarray. Sammy had joined them about an hour ago, with the excuse of having gotten bored in the garden. Although Castiel suspected he missed his brother. The way he so clearly adored and worshipped Dean was rather sweet, something Castiel had never experienced with any of his siblings. He had always been grateful for the times he didn't have to be in their presence.

But here the boys were and what supposedly had only been meant as a lesson to 'scare some sense' into them was somehow turning into something more. If he was more adept socially, he probably would have seen this coming a mile off. His wife loved kids and of course her mother hen instinct took over as soon as she had set eyes on those boys, broken window or not, and while fully aware that really, they could not let the kids work for the replacement window for real, she had thought it a good exercise in teaching them about consequences of their actions and hold them to their word. All the while spending a good time spoiling them with biscuits and lemonade.

Maybe it was because he was the youngest in his family, the baby, as they all still so often reminded him, that he had no ingrained skill in dealing with boisterous little menaces. Of course, by now his older siblings had produced plenty of offspring for the Novak clan but, well, let's just say Castiel had always been more than happy to hand the smelly, loud bundles of 'joy' back to their respective parents. And yet here he was stuck with two boys, one cocky nearly thirteen year old, who apparently knew more about decorating than he did, and an overexcited eight year old, right now fraying his nerves, begging his brother rather adamantly to let him have a go at painting the wall.

Dean must have clearly developed some kind of immunity towards his kid brother's whining, ruffling his hair and telling him to find something else to do, while managing to stay focused on the job at hand but Castiel was not so lucky. That was why after about 15 minutes of 'please' and 'I can do it', and 'how will I ever learn if you don't let me?', _and_ those doe eyes, Castiel caved. He told himself it was only to preserve the last shreds of his sanity but the way Sammy just wanted to learn, to know whether he could do this, just warmed his heart in a way he had not prior thought possible.

"Come over here," he said and placed Sammy on the little stool next to him, handing him a brush and letting him go wild at the wall and the smile the boy sprouted had been worth it.

Castiel had the feeling that Dean had only refused his brother because he assumed that he wouldn't want him anywhere near the walls, because, as soon as Castiel gave his ok, Dean called his brother over and showed him exactly how to dip and clear off the excess paint and the best way to stroke to get the smoothest coverage. And Castiel saw Dean's face light up in a way he had not done so far, as he watched Sammy for a few minutes, laughing at the way his tongue flicked out as he concentrated very hard on getting this right. And most of all, it was quiet apart from the odd chuckle and instructions, as they continued their work. If Castiel had known that it would be that easy to shut up a whiney nine year old, he would have let Sammy paint the whole darn room.

#

It had been about a month after the 'window' incident, that Castiel had approached Winchester Senior one afternoon to introduce himself. It had not gone too well. Mr Winchester seemed the polar opposite of his children, borderline rude and not really interested in making conversation. He and Amelia had worked out that there was no mother around, but as to what exactly happened they were still in the dark as neither of the boys was very forthcoming with information. Castiel couldn't help but notice the stench of cigarettes and a faint smell of alcohol on the man's breath. He, in not so uncertain terms, had told Castiel to mind his own business before disappearing into the house. Castiel had tried to bring this up with Dean on one of their Saturdays but the boy assured him that he had just met their dad on a bad day, having had attended a friend's birthday party the night before, and Castiel had let it rest in line with good old Novak tradition of not putting your nose in other people's business.

#

"Spaghetti hoops or alphabet soup?" Dean held two tins up in front of his chest.

"Alphabet soup," Sammy said enthusiastically, and Dean groaned. "You just want me to spell out weird stuff with you again. Seriously, where do you even know half these words from?"

"I read! And Mrs Baxter says that my vocabulary is way above average for my age," Sammy stated proudly. Dean of course knew that Sammy was a bright cookie, but that didn't mean he couldn't wind him up over it.

"Ok, alphabet soup it is, just gimme a minute." Dean said pulling out a pot and emptying the contents of the tin into it before putting it on the stove.

Sammy settled at the kitchen table, paper and pens in hand and started drawing.

"Where's dad? Won't he need dinner?" Sammy looked up from the table after a moment.

"He's out. Said something about a job opportunity," Dean replied, and was glad that Sammy just hummed and didn't ask any more questions. He hated lying to his brother but Sammy was only just nine and didn't need to deal with the shit that was reality. Anyway, where was the point in telling him that dad most likely was out getting drunk. It wouldn't change the facts and only would make Sammy feel bad.

Dean toasted some bread and divided the soup up into two bowls before bringing them over to the table.

"Hey, what's that?" he asked looking at the picture.

"That's Castiel and Amelia in their garden. I'm gonna give it to them to put on their fridge. There are no pictures on it," Sammy said like it was a crime. Their own fridge was a collage of Sammy's various school works and pictures, and Dean was always eager to appreciate this brothers' work.

"You really like them, don't you?" Dean asked sitting down next to Sam and taking a bite of the toast.

"Yes, they're great. I bet mom would have liked them too."

Dean winced internally. He hated talking about his mom, the loss still felt too fresh, even after three years. But thankfully Sammy seemed to have been able to move on.

"Probably. Just… you know, don't get too attached to them. You, erm, never know when they have to leave again."

"Don't be stupid Dean! They just moved in, of course they're not going anywhere." Sammy stated matter-of-factly and Dean just rolled his eyes and urged his brother to eat his dinner.

Later, while he was washing up he couldn't help the queasiness in his stomach at the thought of how Sammy seemed to get close to these people they barely knew. Yes, they seemed nice enough, but in the end they were not family, not even friends really. And he didn't want Sammy to get hurt by getting too attached to them. He had noticed how his eyes lit up whenever Amelia would smother him with her attention and while he was happy for him, he couldn't help the dread at the knowledge that this was not going to last. Nothing good in life ever lasted. He sometimes wished he had Sammy's love for people and above that his trust in people. But he really couldn't afford that. Also he did not ever again want to hurt like he had when he realised that his mom would never be coming back, never tuck him in again, read him a bed time story and bake his favourite pie for him.

It was safer not to grow too close to people at all. With the exception of his nerdy little brother that was, as long as Sammy was happy he himself was at least ok. And if being at Amelia's and Castiel made him happy, Dean would let him continue to go there. On top of that, Castiel was good for a laugh sometimes, when he didn't get a reference and looked at Dean all confused, face scrunched up. Dean knew he was studying to be a professor but Castiel seemed to have taken the whole "nutty professor" thing a bit too literally, being in his own world half the time.

Finishing up the dishes and making sure Sam went to bed at a reasonable time, Dean actually allowed himself to go to bed with a small smile on his face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My wonderful beta YumeNoTsuzuki pointed out that the time in which this is set is not really clear (and saved me from an easy continuity error, thanks :) ).  
> I had loosely envisaged the fic to take place place around the time it is written but with the time frame of the story in mind, decided it's probably better to backdate the early chapters a bit, and decided the story starts sometime around 2010.

 

"I'm not sure about this, Sammy," Dean shuffled uneasily from one foot to the other.

"Don’t be silly, I'm sure they won't mind," Sammy smiled encouragingly at his older brother.

"I really don't know. Showing up in the evening... their private time is a helluva lot different from coming around to help on a Saturday."

Sammy just rolled his eyes and in his youthful exuberance knocked on the door before Dean could stop him.

" _Sammy_!" Dean hissed. He loved his little brother but sometimes he could throttle him, like right now. This had all been the crazy dork's idea anyway and he should have just told him to stuff it. But before he could entertain that thought any further, the door opened and Dean was met with the piercing blue eyes of Castiel.

"Hello Dean," Castiel said by way of greeting. Of course, Sammy had taken that moment to hide behind him. 'Thanks bro', Dean thought as he cleared his throat nervously.

"Uh, hello Castiel," Dean stammered, which caused the older man's mouth to curl into a small smile.

"And hello to you too, Sammy." Even without actually seeing the kid, Castiel knew that he must be around here somewhere. There was no way Dean would turn up anywhere without his 'shadow'. Despite kids in general still mainly remaining a mystery to him, he had worked out that much about the two brothers.

"Hi, Castiel." He caught a glance of Sammy popping his head round the side, ribbing Dean in the thigh, and giggling.

"Can I help you with something?" His curiosity was truly spiked now. The Winchester boys had become somewhat of a feature during Saturdays in their home but they had never showed up during the week, in the evening none the less.

"Eh, yes actually, but, I know it's late and, it was just, but really you're probably busy and that's fine. We don't want to bother you and…"

"DEAN," Sammy interrupted, rolling his eyes. How was a small person like that even able to pull that 'you're so slow' look off? Castiel's gaze darted between them, brows furrowed, looking like he was trying to solve the world's greatest puzzle, with small lines appearing on his scrunched up forehead. If Dean wasn't so nervous and still internally cussing at himself for listening to his kid brother, he would say Castiel looked almost cute, if a scruffy man of his age could be called that, _and_ Dean would never even want to call someone, anyone, that. Puppies and kittens and his dorky brother were cute, not some married, who knows how old, men!

Castiel cleared his throat and nodded encouragingly at Dean, who was still staring. But that little rasp finally got his vocal chords to work again.

"It's, I need to do some homework on the internet but we just had a power cut and well, our laptop is not working as a result."

"Power cut?" Castiel asked confused, letting his eyes roam the row of houses, all of which displayed various degrees of lighting.

"Or a blown fuse, I don't know, just the power is gone and I really wouldn't ask if it wasn't urgent, I'm sorry."

Castiel had a feeling there was more to the 'no power' situation than just a blown fuse. His most likely guess would be that they got cut off, as, even with his limited knowledge concerning their family situation, he would guess that their dad had been without a job for at least a couple of months now and Castiel had been wondering how they had managed to pay their bills. Maybe Winchester Senior did have some savings and used those. He had mainly stuck to the man's request of minding his own business but that didn’t keep him from thinking on their situation, especially with the way the boys seemed to become a fairly big part in Amelia's and his life. Well, not being able to solve the bigger issues, he at least could focus on the task at hand.

"Of course, Dean. Come in and I will set up the laptop for you in the kitchen. Sammy, would you like a hot chocolate while your brother does his homework?"

"Yes, please!" Sam shouted excitedly and bounced into the house not needing an official invitation.

Castiel went upstairs to get his laptop from his bedroom and headed back down, surprised at his own lack of annoyance at having his own work interrupted.

"Apologies Sammy, you will have to put up with my hot-chocolate makings skills; Amelia is still at the university. Just a fair warning, I don't normally prepare this kind of beverage."

"I can do it. I make it at home all the time," Sammy said proudly.

"That is acceptable," Castiel nodded and got the milk and chocolate powder down for the younger Winchester. He was warming up to these boys and had started to feel a bit less awkward around them. Like with everything in life, practice apparently did make perfect.

"Dean, would you care for a drink?"

Dean chuckled and smiled at Castiel. He had never met anyone that talked like this guy. It was like straight out of some old movie. The fact that Dean was relaxed enough to actually laugh so freely in the man's presence should have had him concerned. He didn't normally let his guard down this easy. He couldn't allow himself to, with having to make sure Sammy's ok, and that his dad wouldn't have to worry needlessly about them. His dad had enough to struggle with already. Yet, sometimes it was nice to just feel normal.

"I'll have some lemonade if there is any, thanks," he replied while getting out his notebook and pen, waiting for the laptop to start up. He observed Castiel as he poured some lemonade and then continued to make coffee for himself, the smell of which soon filling the kitchen. Dean realised he rather liked the smell of coffee. Maybe he would have to try drinking it one of these days, he contemplated as he pulled out his notebook and pen, groaning quietly. Homework was definitely something he could do without.

#

An hour later, Castiel made acquaintance with Dean's temperamental side, when his notebook flew across the room, accompanied by a frustrated, "I just don't get this, who needs this crap anyway," and promptly getting up off his chair and pacing the room.

Castiel had brought his own work down and sat at the other end of the table, with Sammy between them seemingly engrossed in a Harry Potter book. They both looked up, startled by the sudden outburst. But Sammy quickly found his composure again and returned to reading his book and Castiel guessed by his reaction that this was not the first time Dean felt challenged by his school work. Something he could not relate to in the slightest. He had always loved his work and loved the challenge of learning new things. But then again, he always had people he could ask for help when he got stuck, and Castiel was not so sure that this was the case for Dean. Also, he didn't know what to say. He did not want to exacerbate Dean's anger but to just ignore him felt wrong too.

"Can I have a look?" he asked calmly and to his relief Dean picked up the notebook and handed it over to him. "Feel free to knock yourself out." Dean's voice was still holding frustration and a fair amount of sarcasm in it and maybe Castiel should not let his tone of voice slip, but to tell him off for it would make him feel too much like his dad, and he had sworn to never turn into his old man.

Maths, more precisely algebra. Not Castiel's strong point but he had achieved a decent enough understanding of the subject. Part of it was solving some equations, and the second part was to answer an online test on the subject. He checked over what Dean had done so far, and saw where he had gone wrong. It was an easy mistake, most likely due to tiredness rather than lack of understanding.

Dean was hovering next to Castiel, seemingly calmer now and looking over his shoulder at the offending piece of paper.

"Do you want me to explain things to you?"

"Just say it. I'm not good at this maths business." Dean sounded so convinced of his own statement that Castiel felt a pang of rage. Not directed at anyone in particular (although Dean's dad did pop into his head), but more at the world in general. Just how could a boy who clearly was bright and on top of that one of the most caring people Castiel has ever met, think so little of himself? Someone down the line must have messed up bad. Dean clearly needed to have his confidence boosted and it should be the job of his parents and teachers, and Castiel couldn't shake the feeling that he just was not getting that. And a new protective streak that he had not previously known he possessed made itself known.

"No Dean. That was not what I meant. In fact, you started off really well, demonstrating a good understanding of the subject, just here…" he pointed at the line where things had started to go wrong.

"You didn't do the calculations in the right order and then afterwards, things didn’t add up anymore, literally." Castiel motioned for Dean to sit down and felt the tension he hadn't even realised had built in his body, evaporate when the boy did, pulling up a chair and letting him explain things. He felt a not so small amount of pride for the older brother when he got it straight away and was able to finish the equations without any more outbursts.

Dean was halfway through his online test, when Amelia arrived home and smiled at the scene in front of her, not even questioning why the brothers where here. It was evident that they were doing homework, well Dean was, Sammy was wrapped up in a book, and her husband was buried behind his own stack of literature, making good use of his marker pen, as he tried to read three books simultaneously.

She knew she was allowing herself to get rather too attached to those boys but who could resist their charm, especially Sammy, with his unruly hair and exuberance for every moment, despite not having been dealt the best cards in life. But most of all it made her happy how Castiel had thawed; literally coming out of his shell that he had a tendency to hide behind Most noticeably, he didn't seem to mind having his routine interrupted quite so much anymore. It was something she had gently been trying to work on for a long time already. She counted that as a good sign. A win all around.

She made the boys some more hot chocolate while Dean finished off his test before sending the Winchesters home for the night.

#

Sometimes it still surprised Amelia and Castiel how fast the two brothers had become a part of their lives and how easily they had slotted themselves into their routine. After that night, the boys came round more regularly and the sight of either Sammy or Dean sitting in their kitchen doing homework was commonplace. But it was exactly for that reason that Castiel and Amelia were concerned for the Winchester boys and the apparent lack of involvement in their lives on their father's part. As much as they loved having them around, it did make them wonder what exactly it was their dad got up to and whether the kids were getting all the care and attention they needed.

But the one time they had as much as hinted at the idea of maybe getting some official agency involved to see if there is any help, financial or otherwise, that their dad could receive, Dean had gotten angry and defensive, only calming down when Sammy begged him to. He had told them in no uncertain terms that they didn’t need any help, they managed just fine, and further, they didn't know their dad. Arguing that he was a good dad, just trying his best, and who was ever going to get things right 100% of the time anyway and who were they to judge. Then he stormed out, uncharacteristically leaving Sammy with them, coming back an hour later and literally dragging his brother back to their house, with a very loud "Let's go _home_ , dad made us some dinner!", aimed at the two adults in the room.

Castiel had no idea whether that was actually the truth or not, but he had to admit that the comment stung just a little bit. More than it probably should. After all they were not their family. But was trying to help them and make sure they were ok really such a bad thing? Maybe that was why his parents always insisted on not getting involved in other people's business. And in the end, the boys' dad did provide a roof over their heads and food on the table as far as they knew. They spent the rest of the evening talking about it, and decided, for now, to let it go but to keep their options open should there ever be any indication of things being less than ok. After all, 'douchebag' in and off itself did probably not qualify as neglect.

Then, the next day Sammy was back just to say ”Hi” like nothing had happened (and to probably get one of those hot chocolates he liked so much). Of course, wherever Sammy was, his brother was not far behind. When he came into the house Sammy gave him one of _those_ looks, and Dean actually apologised for his outburst (although it was apparent that it didn't come naturally to him) and just like that, they were back to normal.

#

It was raining outside. One of those real miserable early winter days, where the best thing would be to stay inside and wrap yourself up with some blankets and a hot drink, watching trashy television. Regardless, Dean and Sammy braved the elements to make the short walk across the road to the Novak house. Their dad was out, actually working for real and bringing in some well needed cash. Dean hoped this job would last longer than the last one, never quite giving up hope that their dad would manage to pull himself out of whatever hole he had fallen into.

They had 'worked off' the window a long time ago, yet spending Saturdays around Amelia's and Castiel's house had become somewhat of a ritual, helping here and there, doing their homework or just watching TV. Best of all, they were being fed and watered in the process. Dean knew Sammy loved this time of the week and if he would be really honest, he himself had started to look forward to Saturdays. Of course, he would justify that with having Sammy's best interests at heart, not because he enjoyed the warmth and attention, something that generally was lacking in their lives ever since that day, the day his life had changed forever.

Amelia's thoughts must have been along similar lines to Dean's with regards to what to do with a day like this, as once they were safely inside and the front door was firmly shut, she gently shoved them in the direction of the living room, where a fire was burning, giving the room a nice warm glow, and telling them to just sit down and watch some TV or choose a movie as, really, in this weather there was not much else to do

"Castiel around?" Dean asked absent-mindedly and really, had no idea why he asked. He had not started to get attached to the weird man and his even weirder ways, of course not. Dean didn't do that kind of attachment. He was just used to seeing him around on Saturdays.

"Yes, in the study. In fact, why don't you go and have a look, it's finished now. I'm afraid I will be seeing a lot less of my husband now," Amelia laughed and Dean didn't need to be asked twice. He had helped paint the room, shown Castiel how to put down the fake wood flooring, and he was curious to see the finished product.

"Back in a sec," he informed his brother who already was going through the dvd collection and only grumbled at him in acknowledgement.

Dean stood in the doorway, not being able to muffle the small chuckle that escaped him. Castiel was buried deep between an assortment of books, marker pen in his mouth, and laptop balancing on his knees. He sometimes forgot how nerdy Castiel was. No wonder his little brother was getting on so well with him.

Castiel must have heard him, as he looked up from his book and raised and eyebrow at Dean, mumbling a "wut?" before he realised he still had the pen in his mouth and took it out.

"Like the glasses, you really rock the professor look," Dean smirked, amazed how easy he found conversation with the man at times, especially with him being an adult and all. Dean was used to keeping his distance, but something about Castiel's weird and unusual ways made him well, _interesting_ , would be the right word to say, and that thought kind of left Dean at a loss as to why he would think that.

Then Castiel gave him another of those questioning looks, interlaced with one of his enigmatic, almost-but-not-quite smiles, one half of his upper lip curling up, and Dean all but grinned brightly.

"I shall take that as a compliment," he stated dryly. "So, do you like the finished product?" Castiel gave the small room a big brush with his hand.

Dean let his eyes sweep the room, filled with wall to wall bookshelves, which held more books than he thought possible anyone could read in a life-time, coming to rest on the comfortable armchair and coffee table, also laden with books. He nodded his head in silent appreciation. He could totally see how this would be nerd heaven for someone like Castiel.

"So, this is where you're going to hide out from out on," the teenager said, still standing in the doorway, not sure whether he was allowed into Castiel's holy place.

"Yes, welcome to my world. You know, you can come in if you want," he added after a second when he noticed Dean was hovering, which normally meant he was unsure of the appropriate protocol of action. He prided himself in having gotten better at deciphering those non verbal clues over the months.

Dean nodded and flopped himself down on the cosy armchair that was rested against the far corner of the room, surrounded by bookshelves.

"So what exactly is it you're doing here?" Dean asked after a moment. He had known Castiel for six months now but other than that he was studying something to do with history, he had never really enquired. He had no idea why the sudden interest in what Castiel was doing had surfaced in him (bringing him back to his earlier thought of finding the man 'interesting'), but maybe it was the fact that he and Amelia seemed to care enough about him and Sammy to put up with them when they really didn't need to, that made him realise he should try to get to know them on a more personal level. Hell, Sammy knew probably more about them than he did.

"Well, you would probably mainly call it 'boring stuff'. I am currently researching the influence of medieval lore into modern story telling." He smiled at the way Dean's eyes glossed over, like he was suddenly talking in a different language.

"Sorry, I tend to get carried away," Castiel chuckled.

"Na, it's cool. I mean, I get it, you're passionate about something and … just I never saw the appeal in digging around in the past. What's done is done and cannot be changed." Dean shrugged his shoulders.

"And while you're absolutely right, it is also important to bear in mind that we, both as individuals and as society as a whole, learn from our mistakes, grow from the experiences other people and cultures have gone through. You would be surprised how many times the same patterns of human interaction, and failure, seem to be repeating themselves over and over again. The players may change but the concepts and interworkings remain scarily similar. In a way, I'd say we all might be better off as a society if more people heeded and learned from history's mistakes."

Dean let those words sink in. He guessed if you looked at it from that angle, Castiel had a point. He randomly picked up a book that lay on the small table next to the armchair and flipped it open.

"An Introduction to Greek Mythology," he read out loud.

"Oh, this you actually might enjoy," Castiel said enthusiastically.

"I don't do books," Dean replied even as he flipped open the pages and looked at the first chapter.

"Well, maybe now is the time to try new things. Honestly, most of these stories are the backbones of what you read and see on TV and in movies these days. Mainly the good old fight of good versus evil, trials and tribulations, just set in a different time and place."

Dean huffed, still not convinced but flicked through the first couple of pages regardless and started reading.

Castiel smiled fondly, he always loved to pass on his passion for history. So far Dean had seemed rather disinterested in what exactly it was he was doing, but he was pleased that he seemed to be taking an interest now. When he noticed that Dean had actually started reading for real, he turned back to his own research, a big smile on his face.

#

"Dean."

" _Dean_!"

"Mhhh," Dean mumbled, still buried in the book and currently reading the story about Odysseus and the Trojan Wars. This stuff wasn't half bad, he had to admit.

"Wow, I never pegged you for a book worm, be careful or Sammy will get jealous," Castiel teased.

"Oh …" Dean looked up from his book, taking in Castiel's amused face and wasn't sure whether to be offended by it or not. He settled on just giving him a cheesy smile, cocking his eyebrow. It would take more than being found out enjoying an actual book to get Dean Winchester flushed.

"What time is it?" Dean asked, feeling a bit disorientated, it was not often he lost track of time like he apparently had.

"It's gone 1pm and Amelia just called us down for some lunch."

"You mean I read for three hours straight?" Dean sounded like this fact offended him.

"Yes." Castiel was unable to hide his smirk at this stage and Dean squirmed.

"Oh my god, please don't tell Sammy! I'll never hear the end of it."

"By the way, where is Sammy?" Castiel only now realised that he had not set eyes on the younger brother all morning. Something that was most unusual, as wherever Dean was, Sammy was always close behind.

"He probably got absorbed in some movie or other, I think he got a bit overwhelmed with all the choices." Dean chuckled finally putting the book down.

"No, Dean, please, keep it." Castiel offered and Dean considered, eyeing he book suspiciously.

"You don't have to, I mean…"

"Dean, take it, please. If you haven't noticed, I might have the odd book to spare," he said smirking at Dean. "And anyway, seeing you enjoy it is worth a lot more than this book."

Dean was speechless for a second and damn, now he did feel flustered. How could someone be as happy over something as simple as seeing someone else enjoy a book? Then he remembered the way he sometimes felt when he watched Sammy absorbed in one of his books, tongue lolling out and looking lost to the world, and he got it. Still, Sammy was his brother and he loved him. But who was he to Castiel? Just a kid that happened to break his window and who he now was stuck with for some reason. Why would he care whether he enjoyed anything? 

Dean picked up the book and took a long hard look at it. He was not used to accepting 'charity' from other people, although part of him knew that that was not why Castiel offered the book to him. But it was easier to think of it that way, rather than making himself believe that Castiel actually cared for him in any meaningful way. And part of him felt accepting this would make him be indebted to Castiel. It was ingrained in him not to owe people anything, to be self reliant.

But, for one he actually wanted to find out what would happen with this whole Trojan horse idea and also, if he was being honest, he enjoyed putting a smile of Castiel's face. And he was still looking at him encouragingly. Ah, screw this, he wanted the damn book!

"Thanks," he said and was not able to hide his smile, now that the decision had been made, it felt nice to be given a present and Dean already knew he would be sitting cross-legged on the bed tonight, hidden under the blanket and torch in hand, reading a goddamn book. Once Sammy was asleep, that was. He would not hear the end of it should his brother find out he was actually enjoying reading. He had to uphold his standards after all.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter ended a lot more intense than I had planned, but I blame it on Gabriel, who had a mind of his own and basically just wanted to be a dick. Always good for the drama, I guess.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter and Happy Christmas everyone :)

"Come on, I want you to listen to something!" Dean bounced excitedly on the heels of his feet, just short of grabbing Castiel by the wrist and pulling him out the door. He didn't even allow him time to put on a coat. Castiel couldn't help but be intrigued by what had Dean so excited. He had never seen him this animated. With a quick "I'll be back in a second" aimed at the general direction of his wife somewhere in the house, he followed the boy out, immediately realising that a coat actually would have been a good idea in the cold December air, but followed him across the road to his house regardless.

"Wait here," Dean said, coming to a stop in front of the black old-timer. Castiel raised an eyebrow questioningly as Dean pulled out the keys to the car and without hesitation unlocked the door and sitting himself behind the wheel.

"Erm, Dean?! I don't think you are of legal age to be driving a car," Castiel all but squawked. He had no idea what Dean was up to but no way was he aiding and abetting in some underage joy riding.

Dean just laughed and shook his head at Castiel. "Dude, I know that. Just, listen!" he exclaimed, the grin on his face getting even bigger as he turned the key and the car came to life with a low, loud rumbling noise that startled the older man.

"Isn't that the most beautiful sound you've ever heard?" Dean popped his head out the window he had rolled down and grinned like Christmas had come early.

Castiel didn't quite know how to reply to that. To him it was just noise. Loud noise. If his car would be making that kind of racket, he would be sure to bring it to a garage to have it checked over. Still, to Dean it seemed like music and his smile was catching.

"I … guess so?" Castiel answered, still eyeing the monster of a car suspiciously, yet smiling back at the boy.

"Man, should have guessed, you're not the car loving type." Dean chuckled as he pulled the key out of the ignition and got out the car again.

"Well, I certainly can appreciate their benefit in as far as getting you from A to B without having to rely on public transport. But, no, not really," Castiel agreed, suddenly feeling a bit foolish, like he _should_ know about cars and was being shown up by a thirteen year old. But at least it was not any teenager. Dean had proven himself to be very clever as well as versatile and handy in all sorts of areas, now apparently adding being a mechanic to that list. Subsequently, Castiel's ego remained relatively intact.

"But, I thought your car was not working?" he remembered having asked about the car before and Dean having said it wasn't in working condition.

"Well, now it does! Dad and I spent a few nights on the engine and now it purrs like a kitten."

At that Castiel laughed. He could think of many other descriptions for that noise other than 'purring'. But before he could conjure up a long list of exactly what, the fact that Dean had been working on it with his dad got his attention.

"Your dad knows about cars then?" He didn't want to pry too much as he had experienced before how quickly Dean could shut down when asked about his family but he was curious nonetheless and Dean seemed to be in a sharing mood.

"Yes, he learned it from Uncle Bobby. Well, Bobby's not really our uncle, but we call him that anyway. He's an old friend of the family. We don't see him very often any more. He's too far away now. When they were younger he taught my dad how to fix up cars and dad had always promised that one day we would get the Impala to work. It was a total wreck when we got it from Bobby a few years ago. And then, with mom's accident and everything, he didn't really have the time to spend on the car." Dean's face fell temporarily, and just like that, he had Castiel's full attention. It wasn't often that the boy opened up about anything to do with his mom. It was Sammy who had told them at one point that their mom had died in a car crash. Dean generally avoided the topic altogether.

There was a temporary tension in the air as Dean suddenly looked so vulnerable and much younger than his cocky thirteen year old self, and Castiel was unsure of how to proceed. Should he press for more information, give him a comforting pat on the back or just ignore this? It took Dean but a second to get control of his emotions again and soon enough his trade mark smirk was back on his face. But Castiel would not forget that lost look on his face anytime soon. There had been too much hurt and loneliness in it, a look no kid of Dean's age should possess. And for a moment Castiel was grateful for his own family, no matter how strict and weird it was and how much he'd normally rather be apart than with them. At least they were all still alive and in their own way, Castiel knew they cared for him.

Dean's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "Well, he had too much on his plate but since he's got the new job, he's really feeling better and started to work on the engine with me." The teenager patted the car affectionately. "Soon we can take it out on a spin, and he promised me when I'm sixteen I can have the car. Isn't that amazing? Just imagine, Castiel, taking a trip down the road in THIS."

Dean's excitement was infectious. Castiel smiled at the way Dean just came to life when talking about the car. He felt moved that he actually had thought it worthwhile sharing this clearly very important thing in his life with him. Also, their dad finally stepping up to the plate and spending some quality time with his boys was good news. Dean deserved some happiness.

"Yes, I can see that. The car will suit you," Castiel joked, but he could actually see Dean sitting in the car, driving down a long open road, just enjoying the drive.

"Promise you get first dibs on a ride, after Sammy that is." Dean chuckled before his eyes went wide in realisation. At what point had the idea of Castiel (and by proxy Amelia) in their lives become a constant to Dean? He felt a temporary pang of panic at this revelation. He should not allow himself to go down that road. People ultimately either disappoint or leave. Or life was being a bitch and tore someone right from under your nose and out of your life. Like having some stupid drunken bastard crash into them in the middle of the road while they were just going about their business. Dean had to swallow back the emotions that were threatening to surface. And Castiel was looking at him with his steely blue eyes like he could see right through him and it unnerved Dean all of a sudden.

"You're ok?" Dean had already anticipated the question, the crack in his veneer obvious. The day had started so well, when did it turn into this emotional mess? He swallowed hard and put on his practiced smile, nodding.

"Why wouldn't I? Just look at this awesome beauty, plus it's Christmas in a few days and Sammy is so excited. Dad got us a real tree and Sammy spent all of yesterday decorating it, almost pulling the damn thing over in his excitement." And just like that his fake grin turned into a real one. Just remembering his dork of a brother balancing on a chair, insisting it should be him putting the Christmas angel on top was enough to chase any dread away. He was so happy that Sammy would be getting a proper Christmas this year, not the warmed up stew and poor excuse for a tree he had to put up with last year because their dad had been on a two day bender, not being able to face Christmas.

Dean had worked out his father's patterns over the years. Family occasions like birthdays and Christmas always brought out the worst in him; apparently he felt the loss of his wife worst at those times. And Dean, determined to not let Sammy suffer because of it, had picked up the reigns and did his best to give him something to remember anyway. Maybe this year it really would be the first time in over three years they would manage to all celebrate together.

Castiel had a mirroring grin on his face, imagining Sammy balancing and refusing to let anyone help him. He had come to admire that about the kid. His sheer determination to try new things and not to give up even if he got it wrong the first time.

"Maybe Sammy could come and decorate our Christmas tree for us," Castiel chuckled, not exactly knowing where that had come from.

"Oh man! I bet he'd love to. I'll tell him when he gets back. He and dad are out clothes shopping right now."

Castiel nodded, he had wondered where Dean's brother was, but hearing he's out with their dad was good. Maybe he should actually try to reintroduce himself to their father, now that he seemed to be more amenable. Perhaps he really did just catch him at a bad time all those months ago.

"Of course you're invited too. Just come over whenever, and if your dad wants to, he could come along as well."

"I'll ask him. Although probably we'll come over while he's off to work, if that's ok." Dean was not so sure yet, meeting their dad was a good idea, but maybe if their dad continued to stay off the alcohol for a bit longer. For now he was just happy Sammy would be getting the Christmas he deserved.

"Ok, I will see you later then. But if I don't go back inside now, I'm afraid I might turn into an icicle."

"Of course, sorry, Castiel. I, - you really should have put on a coat." Dean took in the shivering form of the man in front of him. Lips already turned a slight colour of blue.

"Well, you were, rather persuasive that this was a life or death situation." Castiel cocked his head and Dean realised he might have maybe been a bit overenthusiastic about the car.

"Sorry, I swear next time I'll give you time to grab a coat." Dean laughed and watched the retreating form of Castiel until he was back safely inside his house. Dean got back in the car, revving the engine up again, just because he could do that now, and enjoyed the amazing sound coming from his baby.

#

He had not expected that the next occasion requiring Dean to drag him out of his house and into the cold would come quite so soon. Also, he had not foreseen that it would be under much more dire circumstances than the last time.

It was the afternoon of Christmas day, and Castiel currently had to sit through an excruciating Christmas lunch with Balthazar and Gabriel, plus their wives and four children, who were testing his patience. They were nothing like Sammy and Dean. They were loud and obnoxious and self entitled, just like their parents, and Castiel could imagine exactly what those kids would be like in twenty years' time.

From the moment they had set foot in his and Amelia's home, they had been on a roll about the awful neighbourhood, and dire state of the house (they should have seen it when they first moved here, Castiel thought indignantly, being rather proud of all the work that they had done to the place over the last few months.) Balthazar was not shutting up about the fact that surely they could have afforded somewhere (anywhere) better, and whether he should be scared leaving his brand new Toyota out the front drive, basically being his pompous self.

Why Amelia put up with him and his stupid family he would never understand but he was eternally grateful for it. At least they were spared the full-on Novak experience, well, at least until New Year's Eve, when everyone was expected back at the Novak family home for the annual family gathering. It should have been Christmas as per previous years, but Raphael and his wife were currently overseas and could not make it back in time for Christmas, Anna had just given birth to her second child, and their mother had decided that she should stay with her and help her in the first couple of weeks.

Still, two brothers for two days was a challenge. Gabriel was getting more obnoxious the more eggnog he guzzled, pulling Castiel's leg over the fact that he hadn't managed to knock up his wife yet. Castiel knew exactly where that jab was aimed at. Gabriel was the only one who knew about his _predisposition_. Castiel had been unlucky enough to have been under the scrutiny of his brother one evening as the family had gathered together to watch some drama on TV. He had gotten very hot and uncomfortable, as he watched the scene of two men kissing on screen unfold, shocked and embarrassed at feeling himself getting aroused and desperately trying to hide this fact from the rest of the family.

Unfortunately he had not managed to escape Gabriel's observational skills. His older brother had cornered him later that evening, saying he would keep his 'dirty little secret' and that he couldn't care less what he got up to in his spare time. He had advised him to get it out of his system, as long as he understood that one day he would be expected to find a nice girl and settle down because there was no way their parents would accept a 'fag' in their family. Well, how could he have not understood that! As if the way their parents had been dismissing the scene and went on about 'what this country was coming to, showing these unnatural urges on prime time television', had not been clear enough.

Castiel remembered this all like it was yesterday, especially the way that word had stung. And even after all these years, having done everything that had been expected of him, married and settled, Gabriel still couldn't let it slide. He really was insufferable even when sober, and paired with alcohol he just became infinitely annoying.

So when there was a loud knock on the door ('Really, Castiel, you haven't even installed a doorbell yet?!'), Castiel initially couldn't have been happier to have this little party broken up. That lasted for all but 2.5 seconds, until he set eyes on a red eyed and panic stricken Dean.

"Dean? Is everything ok?"

"Have you seen Sammy?" Dean's voice was frantic, drawing the attention of Castiel's brothers who were not even hiding the fact that they were prying, standing in the hallway, raising their eyebrows at the weird arrival at the door.

"No, why… what happened?"

"Sammy ran off. He and dad had a big fight because work called and needed dad to come in as half the staff was ill and Sammy just snapped and left. I thought maybe he went to yours." Dean looked up and noticed the accumulation of unfamiliar faces behind Castiel.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't want to interrupt. I just…" Dean was already retreating and walking off down the road when Castiel shouted after him. He had exchanged a quick glance with his wife and she had given him a silent nod, as he grabbed his coat and followed Dean.

"Dean, wait. I'll help you look for him," he yelled, running up to the boy.

Dean stopped and looked at Castiel, gobsmacked. "Why… I mean, really you don't have to. I didn't want to interrupt your Christmas."

"Dean, I'm offering. I know how much you care for Sammy, and believe it or not, so do we. And we care about _you_. No way am I letting you run around this neighbourhood alone on Christmas day. It's almost dark."

Dean would not cry, no, he would not. But his nerves were just so frayed from seeing his dad and brother fight, from worry of not knowing where Sammy was and the fact that yet again, they would be on their own at Christmas, that he couldn't help a tear escape.

"Dean, just accept the help," Castiel implored.

"Thanks," Dean gave a small nod, a chocked up sob escaping him. He wiped his eyes, finding his emotional balance again and focused on the task at hand.

There was no sign of Sammy anywhere. Where would an upset nine year old kid even run to? Castiel's and Amelia's place had been Dean's best bet and now he and the older man were just walking the streets randomly, asking the odd person that was actually out on this day, whether they had spotted an upset nine year old with long brown hair and venturing into the few shops that were open today.

They hadn't even realised how far they had walked and before long found themselves in the part of their neighbourhood that Castiel normally tried to avoid. Still, maybe Sammy had run to here not knowing where to go. Castiel spotted a group of young men, huddling around a barrel, warming their hands on the fire that was burning inside.

He didn't even spare a thought about any possible danger as he walked up to them and asked in a friendly fashion whether they had noticed a kid of about so high, with unruly brown hair in the neighbourhood. These kids couldn't have been much older than Dean, Castiel judged by their looks but that was where the comparisons stopped. They started to sneer at him, making fun of the way he was talking and he could swear they were drunk.

Dean was walking out of the newsagents he had gone inside of to ask if they had seen Sammy, scanning the road for Castiel, his mind going immediately into fight or flight mode when he noticed the way the gang was starting to crowd in on Castiel. He was quickly making his way across the road when he saw a flash of silver and he knew immediately that Castiel was in danger.

"Castiel, RUN!" he shouted, as he watched one of the kids pull out the knife. Castiel jerked his head around, looking at Dean, about to question his outburst. But the sheer panic in the boy's eyes made him do exactly as he was told, and he took off. Both of them ran down the street, hearing the array of footsteps behind them. Luckily both he and Dean were fast runners and after a minute or so the gang thought it pointless trying to keep up with them. Still, they carried on until they felt a safe enough distance away. Castiel, by now out of breath, leaning against a wall and promising to himself that he would have to think about joining a gym or take up running.

Dean suddenly burst out half laughing, half crying. Castiel initially wasn't sure which it was. "Man. You really aren't very street wise are you?" he rasped out between trying to catch his breath.

Castiel could feel his own laughter bubbling up inside his throat. The whole surrealism of the situation suddenly hitting him and threatening to spill out in hysterical laughter. "I agree," he managed before he did just that, leaning against the wall in fits of giggles.

"That was, well, exhilarating," Castiel gasped, having trouble to get in enough air.

"That's one way of putting it." Dean was half bent over, resting his hands on his legs and breathing hard. He looked up at Castiel and his face fell.

"Shit, you're bleeding." Dean's panicked voice rang through the empty street as he scrambled to Castiel's side and looked at his arm, where a stain of blood had formed on his beige trenchcoat.

"Oh," was all the man was able to say as he stared in shock at his arm, and the cut in the material of the coat. He had never been injured in a fight before and his brain had trouble processing that concept.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry." Dean grabbed Castiel's arm, inspecting the cut. "I'm so sorry, I should have not brought you along, I'm so sorry Cas." Dean knew he was panicking over nothing, it was clearly only a cut, but he could not help it. He had put this man in danger, had roped him into his family's problems and as always, people got hurt.

"I'm sorry Cas," he kept repeating over and over until he felt strong warm hands on either side of his face pulling it up, so he had no choice but to look into Castiel's blue eyes.

"Dean, it's ok. Look at me, it's ok." His steady low voice starting to work its way under Dean's skin and making him calm down. Also those eyes, looking at him full of concern and warmth, and how had Dean never realised quite how blue they actually were?

Castiel was still mumbling things to him but he could not pay attention, instead being drawn in by the man's eyes.

"Hey, Dean, you're with me?" Castiel had removed his hands from Dean's face and was gently shaking him at the shoulders.

"What? I mean, yes, I'm ok, but you Cas, your arm."

"I'm no expert but I'm sure it's only a surface wound. I bet once it's all cleaned up I'll be as good as new, maybe have a blood-test just to be sure, but it will be fine, Dean, don't worry."

"No Cas, I should not have brought you, it was not your problem…"

"Dean, please. You did not do anything wrong. And I'm glad you came to me for help, made it my problem, because you should not shoulder this alone. And can I tell you a secret?" he said smiling at Dean, who nodded curiosity getting the better of him.

"I should thank you for saving me from a dreadful dinner experience. This was so much more 'fun'." And Dean chuckled at the actual air quotes Castiel used. "Seriously, I don't know how long it would have been before I would have throttled one of them."

And the very sincere look Castiel shot his way, the 'I'm dead serious about this' look, gave Dean no other option but to laugh, the tension and panic leaving his body.

"Also… Cas?" Castiel asked, smirking and raising an eyebrow at Dean. And for a second Dean just looked confused before realisation dawned on his face, a face that was suddenly feeling very much too warm.

"Oh, yeah. Well – it's just something I kinda started calling you in my head. You know, Castiel is a bit of a mouthful and… that ok?" Dean stammered suddenly feeling very foolish.

Castiel just laughed. "Why wouldn't it? Although I don't think anyone has ever called me that."

"What? No nicknames?" Dean didn't quit get it. He understood people not really shortening his name, well not much to shorten there but really?

"No, my family is rather formal and we're not big on names of endearment and Amelia, well, she somehow took to calling me Cassie." Cas shrugged, and Dean chuckled, "Yeah, I noticed."

They were interrupted by Castiel's phone going off. It was Amelia informing them that Sam had showed up at their house about five minutes ago, shivering and cold but otherwise ok and that he wanted his brother. Dean let out a relieved sigh at the news and could feel his earlier worry turning into anger, and he was sure he needed to give his brother a good telling off for running out on him like that. But even with this good news, he couldn't help being concerned for Castiel.

"You think we need to stop off at the hospital?" Dean asked pointing at the man's arm.

Castiel examined the cut, blood already coagulated at its edges and shook his head.

"No, don't think so. But I should probably not leave it much longer to clean it out. Come on kiddo, let's go home and see your brother," Castiel said, loosely slinging his arm around Dean, still somewhat high on adrenaline from all that had happened in the last half an hour and less formal than he would normally be. Dean nodded and let himself be led down the street, resting his head against Cas' arm. He had no idea why, but the term 'kiddo' bothered him. He was not a kid anymore, hell he was what kept their family together, he had nothing in common with those snotty stupid pre-pubescent thirteen year olds, and he hoped Cas of all people would be able to see that.

#

Once the Winchester boys had been reunited, Sammy sufficiently hugged and told off by his brother, Castiel's wound cleaned up and the virtually new coat put in the recycling (much to Castiel's dismay), Amelia had been adamant the boys stay for some Christmas food and wouldn't take no for an answer.

She put them in the spare bedroom, where the rest of the kids were watching TV and Dean had not been too happy about that. He rather would have stayed with Cas, still feeling guilty for what had happened and wanting to make sure the man was ok. And maybe he had been hovering a bit while they cleaned up Cas' arm, but Castiel didn't seem to mind. On the contrary, Dean had the impression he valued his company, especially once his brothers started to open their mouths. They really were dicks and Dean didn't much like them at all and he might have glared at them a bit. He hated the way they were treating Cas, winding him up and rattling his chain. After five minutes of observing, Dean understood exactly what Castiel had meant when he said he had been glad for the rescue.

On top of that, the other kids were a good few years younger than him and seemed like spoilt brats, not really paying him or Sammy any attention other than an initial curious look at who the two intruders were. Dean definitely felt too old to be sitting at the 'kids' table' but he knew Amelia meant well and also the adults probably had stuff to talk about. Plus he didn't want to leave Sammy on his own, so he made himself comfortable next to his brother and tried to enjoy the film that was on.

Castiel was standing at the kitchen sink, having slunk out of the living room, and pouring himself a well deserved glass of Brandy. He really had enough. His brothers were not letting go of the fact that he got himself 'stabbed' and if that was not a clear sign for them to move away from here they didn't know what Castiel was waiting for. Of course their 'perfect' wives all but agreed with them. All the 'wait until mom hears about this' and 'what are those kids to you anyway, this is supposed to be a family occasion', was still ringing in his ears. He heard footsteps approaching and knew instantly it was Gabriel. He had spent many years growing up getting accustomed to each of his siblings' individual shuffle.

"So, you're into picking up strays now? Seriously, can't get your own brood and what, just take someone else's?" He said condescendingly while pouring his own drink and leisurely slumping himself down on a kitchen chair.

"Don't call them that. You don't even know them. They're good kids." Castiel was not in the mood for this. He could see on Gabriel's face that he was here to get a reaction out of him, it used to be his favourite pastime when they were younger and Castiel already knew he would give it to him. He was too tired, too cold and too goddamn upset with the world and its unfairness as a whole right now to be reasonable.

"Oh touchy, bro. But honestly, haven't they got their own family to spend Christmas with?"

"Guess what Gabriel. Not everyone is as lucky us. Some people actually have to work at Christmas and haven't got a whole lot of family as backup. And in case it might have escaped you, Christmas time is actually a time where we should care for other people, as much as that concept might be alien to you. And really, if you haven't got anything useful to say, just keep your opinions to yourself!" This was probably the most vocal he had ever been with his older brother, and it felt good. Maybe a near death experience (ok, he knew he was being dramatic but whatever) was all that he needed to finally find the balls to stand up to his brothers.

Gabriel let out a huff of laughter, as always turning everything into a joke, and took a big gulp of his drink.

"Look who's finally all grown up. About time bro. Just a word of warning," Gabriel leaned dramatically across the table, staring straight at his younger brother, wiggling his eyebrows mysteriously. "I don't know _what_ it is that's going on between you and that kid but it's not good."

"Nothing is going on there. WHAT are you even implying?" Castiel snapped back, glaring at his brother. "Oh wait… right!" Anger was working itself across Castiel's face. "The weird one, the one with the _abnormal_ urges, of course just wants to get inside some kids pants. Because we are all just _sick_ , right? That what you're implying?" Castiel was livid, even for his brother that was a low blow.

"Relax, 'm not implying anything. Honestly, believe it or not little bro, I'm just trying to look out for you. I know the look on that boy's face when he looks at you and it ain't good. You can be a bit naïve at the best of times, and well, he wouldn't be the first - what is he - fifteen year old to want to find himself a sugar daddy."

"He is THIRTEEN," Castiel shouted way too loud for such a private conversation, flinching at his own tone. "And he is not like that, and I am not into that. Screw you for even thinking that about him. AND I'm married. What else do you want me to do? Can't you ever leave this alone?" Castiel stormed out of the kitchen and straight into his study, into his world. His books and research made him feel safe, in control and right now he was really in need of both, before he would go and sock his brother. Apparently no matter what he did, this would always follow him. But Gabriel had really sunk to a new low, even implying he would be able to take advantage of another human being like that.

He had no idea how much time had gone by when he heard a timid knock on the door.

"If that's you Gabriel, I don’t have anything else to say to you." He snarled. The door opened regardless and Castiel was just about to open his mouth to shout at his brother when he was met with the nervous gaze of Dean. Immediately his face relaxed and he gave the kid a small smile.

"Hey. I'm, we're about to head home and I just wanted to say, you know, thank you again, and … how's the arm?"

Castiel let out a bitter laugh. He actually had forgotten about his arm, being too angry at his brother.  "The arm's fine, I think." He held it out for Dean to have a look and satisfy his own curiosity.

"Tough night? That why you're hiding in here?" Dean said after shuffling his feet for a moment, not really wanting to leave.

"Would you believe me if I said I had to work?" Castiel asked, working his fingers through his hair, making it stand up in funny directions.

"No," Dean simply said and Castiel really appreciated Dean's bluntness.

"Well, family. Can't live with them, can't live without them." Then, after looking at Dean and smiling at him fondly, he added, "you and Sammy, what you have is special, I wish me and my brothers could be like that, even just a bit."

"Oh, we fight plenty," Dean huffed amused.

"Yeah, but you also have each other's back and it is evident how much you care for each other. Me, I sometimes wonder whether my only purpose in this family is to serve as entertainment for my brothers. Sorry, I shouldn't burden you with my issues. You were about to go home. Will you father be back from work?"

"Think so, but either way, Sammy has to be in bed by nine so yeah, I better go. Bye Cas." Dean said smiling at the man and adding a little wave before leaving.

"Bye Dean," Castiel replied, suddenly feeling very tired by the whole day's events and just wanting to hit the pillow. He knew he had to go down and say goodnight to all of them, to at least keep a little face. Also he didn't want to upset his wife more than she probably already was by his behaviour earlier. Most of all, he just wanted to forget that the last couple of hours ever happened. Well, he survived twenty-six years with his family; he surely could survive another day with two of them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy belated New Year to all of you. And my apologies for the slight delay in posting, as you can imagine the last couple of weeks have been rather busy.
> 
> This chapter was not planned in my original outline, but now that I've written it, I'm glad I've done it. It really feels necessary in order to move the story along smoothly. So I guess I have to thank Gabriel being a dick in the last chapter after all, as he forced me to rethink the flow of this fic.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

"This is so unfair!"

"Son, you stop that tone of voice with me right now or,"

"Why can't I go? Everyone else is going!" The youngest Winchester yelled, stomping his little feet.

"Sammy, please, calm down," Dean implored, trying to diffuse the quickly charging atmosphere, knowing how fast this could get out of hand. His brother and father always knew how to press each others' buttons, even from when Sammy was still quite small. Dean, in the absence of their mom, had learned to serve as a buffer but that didn't mean he was always successful.

"No Dean, he just doesn't give a shit," Sammy pointed a small, rigid finger at their dad.

"Watch your language, young man," their dad's thunderous voice echoed through the kitchen (and Dean could make out the slight slur to his voice and that was never a good sign).

"Sammy, listen," Dean leaned down, putting him at eye level with his brother. "We just don't have the money to let you go on that trip, you should understand that."

"And whose fault is that, Dean?" Sam said while glaring at their dad who was glaring back at his youngest.

"Sammy," the older brother hissed, warning evident in his voice but too late.

"Samuel Winchester, I will NOT be spoken to like that, and …."

"I'm not stupid," Sammy all but shouted now. "I know where all the money goes, hard to miss the empty bottles."

'Oh god', was all that went through Dean's head, immediately followed by 'shut up Sammy'. He could see their dad go red in the face and wished it was from embarrassment but knew it was from hot rage that was fast building. There was a reason Dean never brought up any alcohol related issues. Also, a part of him broke at that moment. As much as he hated to see his dad and his brother fight, and there had been plenty of those in the past, the fact that Sammy knew; knew about the drinking, despite Dean's best efforts to cover up any slips on their old man's behalf, made him feel sick. All he wanted was for his brother to have a 'normal' childhood, whatever the hell that actually was, and not having to deal with and worry about stuff he shouldn't need to.

Their father had been doing so well, but Dean had suspected for a while that he had started hitting the bottle again, round about the time of the anniversary of their mom's death. Really, he should have seen it coming and he cursed himself for having been so stupid, for having believed that things had actually improved for good and letting his guard slip.

"Sammy, come on, don't be like that, you know the times are tough." He tried again to calm his brother down, who was going full-on tantrum on their dad now.

"Dean, stay out of this, I can handle my son." Their father snapped at him and Dean flinched, quickly shutting his mouth.

"And you, young man," John was talking a step closer to Sam. "You are grounded for disrespecting your father, and there will be NO trip, because it's a pointless trip anyway, ferrying a bunch of ten year olds halfway around the state just to look at some animals."

"But it's part of the curriculum," Sammy protested.

"You can look up anything you need to know on the internet, it's called research."

"But I want to go," Sammy whined, angry tears staining his face.

"You're not going and that is the end of this discussion. Go to your room now and don't dare come out until I tell you to."

"I hate you, I wish you were dead!" Sammy shouted as he raced up the stairs and banged the door.

Those words cut Dean like a dagger had been plunged in his heart. No matter what, you do not wish one of your parents dead. Especially with the loss of one of them still haunting the house. Maybe he should be thankful that Sammy appeared to have gotten over/dealt well with the loss of their mom, quite possibly having been too young to remember the good times, the way this house was just different, warmer while their mom was still around. But Dean felt the loss, sometimes felt like he had lost two parents that day, despite one of them standing right in front of him. John was clenching his jaw and was clearly fighting with himself not to storm after his youngest son. Dean just stood frozen to the spot, looking at his dad warily.

"What?" John snapped.

"Nothing," Dean said trying not to sound as defensive as he felt right now. He knew better than to wave a red flag in front of an angry bull.

"You got something to say, say it to my face, be a man."

"No, everything is alright, sir." Dean straightened up, swallowed down the myriad of emotions whirling inside of him and gave his dad a firm nod.

"Good." With that his dad opened the cupboard and pulled out a bottle of JD, pouring a generous helping into a glass. Dean wanted nothing more than to take that bottle out of his hand and smash it into a thousand pieces, but he knew where that would lead. He could feel angry tears welling up, and needed to get out of here. Crying was for babies and girls, as his dad would remind him, if he ever saw him cry that was.

"May I leave?" he asked, trying to keep his voice level.

His dad turned around, looking for a second like he had forgotten his son was actually there with him.

"Oh, yes you may. I will have to be in work at 6 though, so be back by then, Sammy will need you."

Dean could only hope that that was the truth at least, and that their dad managed to hold on to his job, but without rocking the boat further there was no sure way of finding out. But him drinking at this time of day was not a good sign. Dean nodded as he left the room in as calm a fashion as he could muster, although the wanted nothing more than to run, which he did as soon as he opened the front door.

The cool spring air hit him and he realised it was raining but he didn't care. He just needed some air and to work off his frustration, the overload of emotions that was making him feel like he wanted to punch something. He felt bad for leaving Sammy behind but he would be fine in his room, brooding, and Dean just needed to clear his head.

Not knowing where to go he just started to run down the road and revelling in the first feeling of burn in his lungs as he started to sprint way too fast. He poured every ounce of his anger, his frustration, his feeling of helplessness into each pounding press of his shoes against the asphalt, propelling him forward faster. He had no idea when tears had started to fall, but he could feel the wetness against his cheeks, and not all of that was from the slight smattering of rain. All he wanted was for his dad and his brother to get along, for whatever was left of his family to be a unit and not to feel like it was constantly him against the world. How could he function with the fear of his family falling apart at the seams?

"Dean?" a voice made him come to a stop, taking in big gulps of air as he turned and looked into familiar blue eyes.

"Are you ok?" Castiel asked concerned, leaning out of the rolled down window of his car, having come to a stop next to the boy.

"I – yes I'm ok," Dean said flatly, looking away from Cas and quickly giving his eyes a rub with his hands.

"Dean," Cas gave him one of those looks that call 'bullshit'. Dean should really give him more credit than that. He knew he lacked in social skills but he had spent enough time with the thirteen year old to be able to read his moods. "What is wrong?"

"Nothing," Dean grunted, he did not want to talk about this, talking about feelings was for sissies, also it would just make the whole thing somehow seem more real, and Dean could do without that.

Castiel kept piercing him with his gaze, with those eyes that had it in them to unnerve him in ways no one else managed. Dean shifted uncomfortably, but to his relief Cas just nodded his head after a second, although Dean had a feeling he wasn't fooled.

"Get in; you're going to get soaked." Castiel motioned to the passenger side and Dean suddenly became aware of how ridiculous he must look, running down the street in the rain, without a jacket and he was sure, despite his best efforts, that his eyes were red rimmed. And as much as part of him didn't want the company, just wanted to be alone with all his misery, another part just felt a natural pull towards the man and his warm, concerned smile, like he actually cared about him and Dean hated himself for still doubting Castiel on occasion. He had proven time and time again that he, for whatever crazy reason, really did care about him and Sammy.

"Ok," he tried to force a smile and walked around the back of the car sitting himself down next to Castiel.

There was an uncomfortable silence spreading between them, as Dean just stared out the window, which was fast steaming up thanks to his damp clothes and Castiel looked at Dean, studying the boy like he was one of his university projects he needed to work out. He was pretty sure that something had shaken up the boy real bad. Also he was wondering why Dean was not actually at school, but he had come to know Dean, and probing for information would just get the opposite result. Maybe all Dean needed was a friendly face and not some inquisition.

"Hungry?"

"What?" Dean's head turned, looking at Cas surprised. Where did that come from?

"I don't know about you but I haven't had any lunch yet and could do with a bite to eat."

"Aren't you - busy?" Dean took in Castiel's attire, all official, shirt and tie and some kind of brownie type blazer, that really made him look like the nutty professor Dean liked to think of him as.

"Not really. I was just on my way home. I survived my first lecture today."

"Oh, so are you like, a proper professor now?"

Castiel laughed. "No, that is still a few years in the making, and wholly dependent on me actually ever finishing that thesis of mine."

"But, you like work on that thesis night and day." And quite possibly Dean should be questioning the fact that he knew this, but there was no point really. He had spent quite a few Saturday afternoons during the winter months, curled up on the armchair in Castiel's study, reading (he had admitted defeat in that department, so he enjoyed reading certain books, shoot him!) and watching Castiel work, switching between typing furiously on his laptop and leafing through book after book. Sometimes Sammy had joined him, sitting at his feet and absorbed in one of his own books, but other times he had been off doing artsy stuff with Amelia, and if Dean thought about it too much he probably would start panicking at how domestic their whole interaction with the Novak's had become. Dean, on more than one occasion had wanted to ask Castiel, why they put up with him and his brother, but for fear of putting the spotlight on the situation and make them change their minds, he never did.

"Well, it will be about 800 pages when all done so," Castiel carried on, not aware of Dean's little trip down memory lane.

"800 pages!" Dean's eyes went comically wide. "How on earth can anyone write that much?"

"See, right there, that is my predicament," Castiel chuckled, giving Dean a lopsided grin.

"Yeah, I can imagine, rather you than me." Dean shook his head in horror, 800 pages! That was sheer madness.

"So, food? I know this real nice place just off campus; somehow you strike me as the burger and fries kind of guy."

Dean perked up at that. "Hell yeah, I always have room for a burger."

#

Castiel had to park the car a few streets away as the diner was literally just off campus, which was buzzing with life and Dean was almost overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people. He let the whole scene sink in as they walked amongst the crowds, this was Castiel's domain, and it felt like a whole different world to his.

He was clad in Cas' beige trenchcoat (he had replaced the old one with an almost identical one to everyone's great amusement) which Cas had insisted on him wearing as it was still drizzling with rain and he already looked like a 'wet dog'. Dean was sure his appearance was absolutely ridiculous in this thing but he was too comfortable to care. The coat almost felt like a safe cocoon, wrapped safely around him, and he knew it sounded stupid (and girly) even in his own head, but he really liked wearing something that belonged to the older man. On a few occasions students greeted Cas with a "Hello Mr Novak," and it sounded so weird in Dean's ears, he had trouble trying not to laugh.

Cas steered them across the big square area, down the road and through the door of what at first glance looked more like a coffee shop than a diner but the delicious smell of fried food left no room for doubt.

"Good afternoon, Mr Novak. Table for two?" A girl in her early twenties approached them, smiling brightly.

"Good afternoon, Janine, yes please." Cas nodded politely and followed Janine to a table in the corner, Dean close behind.

She handed them the menus and left them to decide.

"So, you come here often then?" Dean asked smiling.

"Guilty as charged." Cas held up his hands in surrender. "I admit to having a weakness for red meat, something I'm afraid Amelia doesn't share, so whenever I need a 'fix' I come here."

Dean chuckled at the thought of Cas 'addicted' to anything, let alone red meat, at the same time being very pleased that this was something they shared. He studied the menu before realising that Cas hadn't even bothered to open his and raised an eyebrow at him in question.

"Oh, I know what I want - I am a creature of habit, I'm afraid. But if you want my advice, the cheeseburger is exceptionally tasty here." Cas winked, feeling his stomach doing a little flip at the thought of just such a burger.

"That what you're having?"

"Most definitely."

"Well, make that two then." Dean smiled and Cas waved over their waitress to place their order.

"The usual for you, I take it," she was batting her eyelashes at Cas, and Dean could feel a weird coiling in his stomach. Did that woman have no decency; Cas was married as could be clearly seen from the ring on his finger.

"Yes, thank you Janine,"

"And, for your – "

"Oh, this is Dean, and he is a very good friend of mine." Castiel stated like it should be a commonly known fact.

"Hello Dean, what can I get for you?" She gave him a sugary 'oh, aren't you adorable' grin and Dean put on the best cocky smile he could muster.

"The same as _Cas_ ," he said, feeling smug at the way her eyes temporarily zoned in on him at the pet name he had for his 'friend'. But she caught her composure fast enough and went back to making ogly eyes at Cas.

"You want any drinks to go with that."

"Americano with milk on the side please, and - Dean?"

"Oh, erm, strawberry milkshake if that's ok." Dean asked looking at Cas.

"Of course it is, that is all thank you Janine."

"I will be back with your drinks in a minute," she smiled before leaving the two of them to it.

Dean was staring at his hands that were playing with the hem of his shirt. Castiel could see that something was on his mind.

"Dean?" he asked. Dean brought his face up to meet his gaze, a small and way too timid smile for him on his face.

"So, we're- friends?" he had been rather surprised by the use of that word by Cas and needed a moment to mill that over in his head.

"Yes, we are friends. Unless – you think it rather un-cool to have an old 'dude' like me for a friend." Cas' face lit up, clearly teasing, his eyes crinkling at the sides.

"You're not OLD," Dean protested, smiling back at Cas.

"Well, thank you, Dean. So, I take that as a 'yes' then." Dean nodded his head enthusiastically. He didn't really have many friends; it had always been easier and safer to keep to himself. He and Sammy, that was normally his world. Now suddenly he had Cas, and Amelia of course, he quickly added as an afterthought.

"And friends normally do tell each other what's going on, what's on their mind," Cas said leaning back in his seat a bit and feeling Dean's gaze on him, and could see his body going rigid even as Cas spoke.

"Like right now, I can tell you that I am not looking forward to being reunited with my siblings at Easter. I am still licking my wounds from Christmas." Quite literally, Cas thought. It had taken him weeks to get Gabriel and his silly accusations out of his head. He had noticed how he had started to keep his distance not just from Dean but from Sammy as well, and he had hated his brother for it. It really only took a few words to poison the mind. Only with time and reasoning did he get to the point of seeing Gabriel's accusations exactly for what they were, just another way of unsettling him, of reminding him that he 'knew' and would not let him forget. Also he realised that he really did care for these boys, almost like the little brothers he always wanted and never had. And screw his brother but that could never be a bad thing.

"That I can understand, they seem rather full on!" Dean had other words in mind for Cas' brothers but didn't want to be insulting.

"And you only met two of them." Cas' fingers carded through his hair, making it stand up in his telltale _just out of bed_ style, made worse by the hair having been slightly damp from the rain.

"Tell me about them. I mean – if you want to?" Dean asked nervously.

Cas nodded in agreement. "Well, you met Balthazar, the oldest and Gabriel, second in line, already. Then there's…"

Castiel was interrupted by Janine returning with their drinks and placing them in front of them, informing them with her usual chirpy voice that the food wouldn't be too long.

Dean took a big slurp of his milkshake through the straw while watching Castiel methodically placing just the right amount of milk onto his americano, followed by a heaped teaspoon of sugar, giving it a stir with the spoon before taking a big sip. His eyes were closing as he savoured the taste, and Dean just stared. Cas really did like his coffee judging by the way his whole face suddenly looked contented and happy and Dean really liked that look on the man's face.

"You really like this stuff," he chuckled as Castiel opened his eyes again, a small moan escaping him.

"Yes."

"So, brothers," Dean changed the subject when he realised he was still staring at Cas and could feel his stupid face heat up for no apparent reason.

"Ah yes, Raphael, he's the third oldest, or third youngest, whichever way you look at it, I guess. He is adopted. Our parents went on an extended trip to Africa and while there, adopted one of the homeless children they were looking after. Maybe that is why he and his wife have gone back over there, to give something back."

Dean nodded his head, glued to Cas' lips and willing him to go on. He really wanted to know about Castiel's family and what made them tick. Especially why they treated Cas the way they did.

"Then there's the only girl, Anna, she actually is ok at times, in small doses that it. And finally… there's little old me, the afterthought. I guess, they didn't want to call me an accident." Castiel suddenly sounded rather bitter, but having been born when both their parents had been well into their forties and with already four kids, he could never quite shake that underlying feeling that he all but upset the perfect family symmetry. Being six years younger than his next sibling also didn't help that thought. Although of course, his parents to their dying days would deny that and call him 'God's gift late in life'.

"Castiel," Dean exclaimed and, in a very untypical gesture for him, grabbed the other man's hand and squeezing it firmly. He was shocked by the way the older man looked so hurt for a moment, like he really believed himself to be an accident and it made Dean want to hunt his family down and give them a piece of his mind. "Don't ever say that about yourself again. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me – and Sammy." Dean was shocked at his own words but wouldn't want to take them back, because it was the truth.

"Sorry, Dean, I should not make you bear my burdens," Castiel quickly said, audibly shutting his mouth. He had definitely shared too much. It was just, he forgot for a second that this was a thirteen year old teenager he was talking to and not someone closer to his own age. Just his whole personality and demeanour at times made him appear older than he actually was.

"No, Cas, as you said that's what friends are for, right."

"Right, beaten with my own weapons," Castiel laughed and conceded defeat. He gave Dean's hand a squeeze in thanks (suddenly realising that he was still holding on to it) before retracting his own hand.

"So, that makes it your turn now. What happened earlier? My guess is it has something to do with Sammy?"

The 'I don't want to talk about it' was already forming on his lips but he instantly felt bad for closing up again. Instead he stared at his milkshake and gave a nod.

He felt Cas' gaze on him but other than that the man didn't do or say anything which gave him time to gather his courage.

"Is just- Sammy has this trip coming up and we haven't got the money to go and then he got really upset and him and dad fought, and he said some really hurtful things, which…" Dean gulped, briefly looking at Cas before looking away again. "It made me think of mom and, god Cas, I miss her so much sometimes." Dean sighed, taking a deep breath to get himself under control again.

Castiel gave him a minute to compose himself, but also because he really needed the time to decide what to say or do. Dean was visibly fighting with his emotions and Castiel didn't want to put him over the edge, or make him angry and for him to clam up again.

"'S stupid I know; she died like three years ago - no, four by now, and..."

“Dean, it is ok. Don't put that pressure on yourself. Grief has no timetable and of course you would still miss her, probably still will for some time to come. She was your mom after all."

Dean took the paper napkin and blew his nose but otherwise managed to keep any tears at bay. It was like a big weight just suddenly lifted off his shoulders. Someone telling him it was ok to still feel like this even after all this time felt so good. Also, it was nice to be able to talk about her at all. Certainly not something he could do with his dad, and as for Sammy, he just tried to make sure his brother remembered her, the nice things about her, not how big a hole she had left in their lives.

"Thank you," Dean hated how small and raspy his voice sounded but he gave Dean a small smile anyway.

"That is what friends are for, right." Cas echoed the boy's earlier words.

"Guess so," Dean smiled to himself. It felt nice being here like that with Cas. He was treating him like an equal not just like some stupid kid or a waste of space like most other people.

"And Dean, I know you will say 'no' but think of it from Sammy's perspective. I would, would you allow for me to pay for his trip, please."

"What? No – I mean, Cas,"

"Dean I know, you don't like charity and if you want you can 'work' it off again," Cas was using those air quotes again, that just made him look even more nerdy than usual and Dean could feel his resolve melt. It would be for Sammy.

"Ok," he said before he could change his mind. "Ok, yes," grinning at Cas. "Sammy will be so thrilled." He had no idea what he would tell his dad yet, maybe he would have to fake the signature on the slip, again. Something he had gotten rather good at over time, but now he was even more determined that Sammy would go.

"Ah there is our food, finally. God, I am rather famished now." Castiel unfolded his napkin and to Dean's great amusement spread it over his lap, giving Dean one of his quizzical looks at what had him so amused all of a sudden. Dean just shook his head and picked up the burger (without placing the napkin anywhere, it already had had previous use anyway) and taking a big bite.

"Gawd, Cas, dads gowd," he managed to get out around a mouthful of food. Castiel just smiled knowingly before picking up his burger and taking a rather modest bite in comparison.

They ate in silence for a minute, Castiel growing more and more amused by the way Dean just seemed to hover up his food.

"Dean, don't forget to breathe," he teased.

"Dude, sorry, but living with Sammy, you either eat fast or you don’t eat." Dean gave as way of explanation before tucking back in.

Cas just shook his head laughing before focussing his attention back on his own food.

#

It was just before 6 when Castiel pulled onto the drive of his house. As he got out his eyes fell on Dean's house opposite, or more precisely on to the big pick up truck that was parked in front of the Impala.

"You expect visitors?" He asked before realising that that was actually none of his business. Dean's eyes followed where Cas was looking.

"Bobby!" he shouted excitedly, all his trouble with his dad forgotten. "That's Bobby's truck. Come on Cas, you have to meet him." And he grabbed Cas by the hand and dragged him across the street and Cas, to his own surprise, let himself be dragged, shaking his head.

Dean opened the front door, big grin spreading over his face at the sight of the gruff old man, Sammy plastered to his leg like his life depended on it.

"Bobby!"

"Hey son," Bobby smiled, striding across the room and engulfing Dean in a big strong hug. "So good to see you kid."

"What are you doing here?"

"Was in the neighbourhood. Had to take care of some business and thought I'd drop in to say hello. In fact, I'm going to spend the night, as I'm getting too old for these one day return trips." He took of his tattered base ball cap, giving his thinning hair a good brush with his hands before putting it back on.

Castiel stood awkwardly in the doorway, feeling surplus to requirement at this little family reunion. Before long though, Bobby's eyes met with the figure shuffling awkwardly near the door. "And who's that?" he said gruffly, eyeing Castiel suspiciously.

"That is Cas- tiel," Dean said smiling and urging Cas to come into the room. At the name Bobby's face relaxed. "Ah, yes, I heard a lot about you, and your wife, from a certain young man," he smiled, pointing at the dead weight of Sammy still attached to his hip, and reached out his hand and shaking it firmly.

"Castiel and Amelia are awesome," Sammy confirmed, grinning.

They were interrupted by John walking in, giving Castiel a 'what are you doing in my house' look but otherwise ignoring him. "I'm off to work, Dean make sure your brother is in bed by 9 and, Bobby, the couch is all yours."

"John, a word," Bobby followed their dad out of the house.

"What?"

"Ok, you know we're friends but I'm not gonna beat about the bush. You know this road you're on is leading nowhere good, and …" John's about to open his mouth in protest but was cut off by Bobby.

"Don’t try to fool me. I've known you for how long? And you haven't been right since Mary died but this… this is not the solution; believe me I've been there. God, John, you're going to work _drunk_!"

John always had a decent amount of respect for Bobby, and that was the only reason he didn’t hit him outright. "We're doing just fine," he huffed.

"You can keep fooling yourself if you want, but you deserve more than this. More importantly, your boys deserve better than having a drunk for a dad. So, I'm telling you this as your friend. You better get your shit together or I will make sure these kids get the care they need."

"Bobby," John gritted out in warning.

"Just make sure I won't have to and we're ok." Bobby said giving the man a pat on the back, before turning back into the house, leaving John standing before he could reply.

"My apologies, I didn't want to be rude but had to just sort something out - what is going on here?" Bobby enquired at the way Sammy was literally bouncing off the walls and saying 'Castiel is the best' over and over.

"I'm going on the trip, Castiel is going to pay for it."

Bobby gave first Dean and then Castiel a weighty 'explain' look, and Castiel was sure the man could be mightily intimidating when he wanted to be and made a mental note not to get on his bad side, ever.

Dean stepped up next to Cas, as though he could read his thoughts and quickly gave Bobby the basic outline of what had happened earlier today (leaving out some of the more incriminating details with regards to his father) and ending with that Castiel had offered to pay for the trip.

Bobby again, gave Castiel the once over, as though he was trying to get a reading on him.

"So, let me get this right. You are basically planning to go behind your dad's back and sending Sammy on the trip with money your 'friend' will provide for you."

Dean wanted to flinch away but held Bobby's gaze. "Yes, because Sammy deserves to go," he said defiantly.

"Boy, you know going behind your old man's back will only get you into more trouble."

Both Dean and Sammy's face fell and Dean opened his mouth to protest but Bobby just gave him a quick wave with his hand.

"BUT," he continued, "Let me have a word with him, I'm sure I can change his mind. And how about I and Castiel split the money so I won't exactly be lying when I tell your old man that I will be paying for the trip."

"Bobby you're awesome," Sammy hurled himself at his Uncle and Dean couldn't keep the grin off his face.

"That ok with you?" Bobby turned to address Castiel.

"Yes, of course - and I have to apologise, I hadn't even considered the fact that Sammy would need his dad's agreement before going on a trip when I offered to pay. In my defence I can only say that I am not really used to dealing with children and schools and all that entails." Castiel felt really stupid for almost having made Dean's whole situation at home a whole lot worse, as unintentional as that would have been.

Bobby gave him an understanding nod. "So that's sorted, who wants to order pizza for tonight?" Both Dean and Sammy gave him an enthusiastic 'yes' in reply.

"Cas? You want to stay for pizza?" Dean asked, mentally crossing his fingers that he would say yes.

"Thank you for the invitation, but I'm afraid I will have to go home and check up on my wife." Cas said with a smile. He actually felt a bit bad for being home so late. With both him and Amelia working and studying, time together sometimes was hard to come by and Castiel knew that today was Amelia's day off. He better go and cook something nice for her or otherwise prove that he hadn't turned into some deadbeat husband.

Dean couldn't help but feel a bit dejected by Cas' leaving but he had Sammy and Bobby and this day that had started out so badly had done a 180 and would end on a good note, and he was grateful for it.

"Ok Cas, thanks again for – you know the burger and _stuff_." Dean had wanted to say 'being my friend' but there was only so much he would admit out loud in front of his brother and Bobby.

But Cas seemed to get it anyway if the way he smiled at him as he waved goodbye was anything to go by.

"Walk you to the door. You two, choose your pizzas from the menu," Bobby instructed before following Castiel and stopping him by putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I just wanted to say thank you to your and your wife for looking out for these boys," the old man said once the brothers were out of earshot.

"Is nothing, Mr-"

"Call me Bobby, please" Castiel nodded, giving the man a small smile.

"We like having them around, they are good kids."

"And don't I know it. It's just their life hasn't been easy since their mom died and as much as I would like to I cannot be around all the time to make sure they're ok. Sammy seemed to be particularly taken with your wife, and the boys could do with a woman's touch in their lives. So it's good to know there are people looking out for them."

Castiel could only nod in agreement, as this new truth hit him. He had always suspected things not to be easy for the boys but to have someone confirm this and to thank him for making their life better filled him with equal amounts of dread and warmth.

"You should really come over and meet Amelia," he blurted out before he could think about it, but it felt like this man, their adopted uncle had given them an unspoken task to do and it felt only right for him to meet his wife.

"I will have to be on my way tomorrow but if it's not too much bother I might come knocking on the door just to introduce myself."

"That would be agreeable," Castiel said holding out his hand. Bobby took it, giving it a firm shake before going back inside to attend to the Winchester boys.

Castiel walked the short distance over to his house, still a bit overwhelmed but smiling. It felt good to be able to be a positive influence in someone else's life, and while he felt bad for having neglected his wife today, he was also sure he would do it again in a heartbeat. Dean had needed someone, the boy was carrying too much on his small shoulders. How much that really was, he had become only too aware after the little chat with Bobby. Also, despite their clear age difference, he had meant it when he said he considered Dean a friend and he was determined to be there for him and his brother. He was sure Amelia would understand. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just have to ask because it's been awfully quiet on the comments front lately: are you guys still enjoying this story? I guess people are still reading because I get the hits, but I am pretty much in the dark as to what any of you make of where this is going. I don't normally fish for comments but feedback is what keeps an author going in the end and I just would love to know your thoughts, even if it is to give me (constructive) criticism or just leave a kudos.
> 
> At any rate, I love this story and will not stop writing it and many thanks for each and every one of you who is still reading :) and I hope you like this next chapter.

"He's coming, everyone to your positions," Sammy animatedly waved his hands around, indicating where he wanted everyone to be.

"The candles!" he yelled.

"Already at it," Amelia replied, lighting the candles that the younger Winchester had arranged in a nice geometrical pattern on the cake. He had been so excited about this moment all day, no - all week, really. He could hardly contain himself, to the point where Dean this morning had abandoned him to some yard work, while he had gone off to see if Castiel needed help with anything. As he had put it, he didn't want to catch the 'crazy'. And if the younger brother hadn't been so excited about today, he might have even got grumpy at the fact that Dean (as had happened more and more lately) chose to spend time with the older man over spending time with him. But he didn't want to appear selfish as Dean didn't really have any friends to call his own and mostly he was happy for Dean, as he generally seemed more relaxed these days. He just didn't understand why that required him to be excluded.

Sometimes he was worried that Dean got to that age where he didn't want anything to do with his kid brother anymore, something that according to books and shows on TV was bound to happen. Sammy had no idea what he would do without Dean so he pushed those thoughts away and tried to be the most awesome little brother he possibly could be. And today he would make sure, with the help of Castiel and Amelia, that Dean would finally get a birthday worth remembering.

All throughout the day he had been very upset that his older brother didn't as much as question that apparently everybody had forgotten about his birthday. He got it that they couldn't expect their dad to get them as much as a cake, but Dean really should know him better than to forget, and if it had been the other way around, Sammy would have raised hell about the fact that it was his birthday hours ago; he was one hundred percent positive on that one.

He had casually mentioned to Amelia and Castiel that it would be Dean's fourteenth birthday this weekend and after confiding in them about the general lack of celebration in their household and that he wanted to do something special for his brother, both had been more than eager to arrange this little surprise with him.

And now, here they were, standing around the kitchen table, on which a big, massive chocolate cake (homemade by Sammy with only minimal supervision, as he would proudly tell anyone who wanted to listen) was placed, fourteen glowing candles in its middle, and actual presents! Sam was bouncing on the heels of his feet, as he shouted for Dean to come into the kitchen for a second, getting an exasperated "in a minute" coming from the living room in response.

Amelia and Castiel smiled fondly at the boy, happy that something so simple could put such a smile on someone's face. They had been saddened by the knowledge that this was not something the Winchester household normally did (well at least not since their mom died), and not for the first time Castiel's distinct dislike for their father went up a notch, despite still not having exchanged more than a few words with the man.

The short conversation he had with Bobby Singer a while ago was still prominent in his thoughts. The idea of the boys not getting the due care they needed (and more than deserved) did not sit well with him. He even had (and Dean would most definitely kill him if he ever found out) anonymously enquired about whether there was anything that could be done if someone had a feeling that there were kids who were being neglected. But after a long conversation and inquisition by the 'friendly' voice on the other end, about whether he feared for the kids safety (no) or whether he had evidence that they were being abused (also no, although Castiel would argue it didn't necessarily need bruises and scars for it to qualify as abuse, and he knew that from experience), there was apparently nothing much that could be done as that would be interfering in a family's private affairs. It seemed that being a 'douche and enjoying too much to drink' in and off itself was not enough to raise suspicions, or, as the lady on the phone had put it, if that were the case, they would probably have to put half the children's population into care.

Castiel had felt a righteous indignation of 'thanks for nothing' growing inside of him in the wake of that conversation, and already could feel his passive aggressive stubborn streak take over and hence his renewed resolve to live up to Bobby's promise and to look out for the two brothers. If no one else would, then he was more than willing to take on that job description. It wasn't like it was a chore anyway. Plus he knew that Amelia was more than smitten with the boys, so it didn't even seem weird to somehow find himself with a kind of 'insta'-family all of a sudden, despite never having pegged himself as a family man, let alone a father- (no, that made him feel old and also brought back too many memories of his own dad), better, big brother- figure for two kids.

Part of that job was to put a smile on the boys' faces, and Castiel knew the second Dean walked in through that door and the way he smiled, almost bashfully for someone normally so brazen, that he would never forget this moment in his life. Sammy was belting out 'happy birthday' from the top of his lungs, with Amelia and Castiel quick to join in, before the eager boy literally threw the presents and himself at his brother. Castiel felt his chest burst with glee at the scene in front of him. At the same time he couldn't help the feeling that quite possibly, he was becoming a bit too protective of these boys. He knew that not everyone grew up with caring parents, and despite their rather hard line disciplinarian stand, his parents cared on some level. And maybe their father did too. Well, at least the man provided a roof over his kids' heads, which was not something that could be said for everyone. Castiel would only have to venture a few streets down the road to see the reality of that statement.

"Little bro, where did you get these?" Dean was clearly taken by Sam's collection of AC/DC records, not CDs!, as he kept repeating excitedly. Sammy, of course, knew that Dean was the old fashioned type when it came to music as he always lectured him on how these old records had life and soul in them, something you just lose with all the modern crap (Dean's words).

Sammy had gone through Dean's records before, with the help of Castiel, googling which albums Dean still missed. Then the man had helped him track them down on the internet, making up the difference in money as Sam had only a little bit of money saved up, from back when his dad still had a job and actually gave them some spending money.

Sam beamed proudly. "I had a little help," he said, nodding at Castiel.

"Aw man, thanks." Dean smiled, reverently holding the records in his hand.

"Also," Amelia chimed in, "a little something from me and Cassie." She held out a big, wrapped square box, and if anything, Dean's eyes got even bigger.

Dean couldn't believe this. These people really didn't owe him, or Sammy, anything and yet, they went to all this length to make his birthday a special day. He could feel the emotions welling up inside him (as they had a weird tendency to do lately), and had to swallow and clench his jaw a few times to get himself under control. No way was he gonna cry in front of all these people.

"You really didn’t need to," he eventually said, still staring at the present.

"No, but we wanted to." Castiel stated dryly, nodding his head in the direction of the present.

"Dean, come on, open it!" Sam whined, with all the enthusiasm of a ten year old, and probably about two seconds away from opening it himself.

It was a model kit for a classic Chevrolet, and not one of those cheap ones you might find in just any shop. This had real metal parts, rubber tyres and would look absolutely beautiful when assembled.

Amelia and Castiel held their breath. They really had struggled to find something they thought Dean might enjoy. He was at that awkward teenage age where apparently not much excites, but Castiel remembered how his face always lit up when he talked about his dad's car and how much he enjoyed working on it when given the chance.

"Man, that looks expensive," was the first thing that came out of Dean's mouth.

"Hope you like it." Castiel simply replied, ignoring the comment.

"Yeah, I do, I really do. Thanks guys," he said, giving Cas an awkward one-armed hug before being pulled in for a proper embrace by Amelia.

"Now who wants some cake?" Amelia asked and Sam clearly was just waiting for this. Dean chuckled, if Sammy was good at one thing, it was eating, no doubt he would be on a total sugar high later and a pain in the ass to deal with, especially while trying to keep him from making too much noise when they went back home, but for one day Dean didn't think he cared. Their old man would just have to suck it up, and deal with the hangover he no doubt would be nursing.

#

Dean had an awesome day; there was no other way of putting it. Cas and Amelia had surprised Sammy and him with an impromptu barbecue, honouring his love of red meat, and making most of the warm late July day just hanging out in their back yard. They had asked whether Dean wanted to invite his dad along, but Dean knew his dad was out, probably already drunk at some bar, which of course he didn't tell them about, instead making up some excuse. Since he had lost his last job, he was going through a particularly rough spot, but Dean was used to riding those out. Just give the old man as little reason to be upset as possible until he comes out the other end generally worked best.

But really, he hadn't wanted to think too much about his dad, it would have just ruined his mood. And he had had too much of a good time watching that excited bright smile on Sammy's face, as Cas had shown him how to flip the burgers and even let him have a go himself. Of course, Dean had to eat the slightly charred 'creation' Sammy had produced and handed to him with the biggest grin possible, but to him it had been the best damn thing ever.

And now he was sat in the kitchen, Sammy long asleep, the excitement of the day finally having caught up with his little brother, and the half assembled model kit in his hands. The picture on the box really wasn't doing this kit justice. The pieces were exquisitely formed and painted and he needed real little bolts and screws to put this car together. He had spent the first hour just separating all the different kinds of screws and familiarising himself with the blueprint. When finished, it would be about 20 inches long and Dean already knew just the spot to put it in his and Sammy's room.

The slamming of the front door made him jump. Shit, he had totally forgotten the time. A quick glance to the wall clock confirmed that it was past eleven, and their dad was pretty firm on Dean being in bed by ten, even on the weekends. Not that he was around too often to check whether Dean adhered to this, but it was the randomness in his dad's check up that had Dean on his toes, there was no time for slacking off. Still he hoped that maybe now that he had turned fourteen, and because it was his birthday after all, his dad might be a bit more lenient.

"Dean?" his dad's slurred voice drifted across from the hallway. He hadn't even made it to the kitchen, and Dean could hear he was not too thrilled.

"What time you call this?" he stepped into the room, Dean already having an apology on his lips, when his dad's eyes fell to the model kit in front of him on the table. He stared at it intently for a minute. Dean tried to remain calm, trying to decipher the look on his old man's face.

"What's that?" John asked, picking up the box and trying to focus on the reading on it, something Dean could see caused him some trouble.

"A model car, sir." Dean replied simply and without any emotion.

"And where did this 'model car' come from?" his dad hissed, at least he was aware that Sammy was asleep and probably didn't want to wake him.

"It was-" Dean stalled. He did not want to tell his dad where the car had come from. Their time with Amelia and Cast was special, something only for him and Sammy, and he did not want his dad knowing about it, interfering and probably making the Novaks realise in the process that they were hopeless cases and just abandon them.

"Son?" His dad asked a bit more forcefully.

"A present, ok?" Dean snapped, immediately regretting his tone of voice, when his dad's eyes lit up in anger.

"A present? You tryin' to tell me someone spent all this money, because, let's face it this ain't some cheap crap. Dean, did you steal this?" his dad's voice was rising in intensity.

"What? No!" Dean protested.

"Then tell me where you got it!" his dad demanded.

"No." Oh god, Dean knew the second he said it, he would be in trouble, if his dad disliked one thing it was defiance.

"I thought I brought you up better than to be a common thief!" his dad yelled, reaching out with his hand and swiping the model straight off the table and hurling it into the wall.

"No!" Dean gasped, scrambling after it, but the damage had already been done. Whatever he had done so far, had been pretty much trashed, especially the bits he had to glue on, as they had yet to dry. Also the frame had been bent, and he had no idea if it was fixable.

"If I ever, and I mean EVER, find out you're stealin', I will have to revisit my 'no corporal' punishment rule. We Winchesters might be poor but at least we're honest!" And with that his dad stumbled out of the kitchen and towards his room.

Dean sat on the floor, staring at the ruined model, feeling the tears threatening to fall, but he had decided a long time ago that he would not cry over anything to do with his dad anymore. But he needed to get out; he could not stand to be in the same house right now. He grabbed a bag and picking up all the pieces, put them together with what was still on the table inside, not really knowing why he took it with him as he left the house.

He just wanted to go for a walk, to clear his head, to work off some of that anger he could feel knotting in his stomach. He wasn't even thinking about how he would leave Sammy behind on his own, his mind too clouded. Somehow he came to a stop in front of the Novaks' house and he saw the light on in the kitchen. He had no idea why, but with a few quick and determined strides he made his way to their front door and knocked on the door. He just needed to see a friendly face.

Castiel was just about to go to bed, only quickly wanting to grab a glass of water, when he heard a knock on the door. He was half tempted to just ignore it as he was not expecting anyone. Amelia had left a few hours ago to visit her family for the weekend and he was sure that opening the door at this time of night would not be the best advised idea. Instead he opted for the safer "Who's there," not really expecting Dean to answer with an altogether too choked up sounding voice. He flung the door open immediately and took in the slouched form of the boy.

"Did anything happen?" He asked concerned, his mind providing that there must be something wrong with Sammy, if Dean turned up at his door this time of night.

Dean did a mix between a nod and a shake, and swallowed hard, it was evident to Castiel that he was trying hard not to lose it.

"Dean, is Sam ok?"

That got Dean's attention. "Yes, he's fine. It's just … my dad-," his voice broke off.

"You want to come in for a minute. Tell me what happened?" Castiel offered, not sure what the right thing to do here was. Dean clearly was distressed but it was almost 11.30 and really, he should be at home and in bed. God, he wished Amelia was here, she was so much better with all this emotional stuff.

Dean nodded his head and walked past Cas, straight to the living room, sitting down on the couch and burying his head in his hands. Cas closed the door and joined Dean , eyeing the boy without trying to stare and still trying to figure out what the right thing to say here was.

"You wanna talk about it?" he eventually settled for. Dean violently shook his head, but Cas could see how he was starting to shake and could hear the laboured intakes of his breath. He knew even with his limited social awareness that Dean was most likely about 2 seconds away from crying.

"I'm really not good at all this comforting stuff," the man chuckled, trying in vain to lift the mood, "And, I don't know if you're too old for a hug, being all teenagey and stuff but…" Castiel didn't get to finish the sentence as he suddenly had a sobbing Dean attached to his side, head pressed against his chest, and shuddering with the release of emotions he had probably held in for way too long.

"He broke it," he rasped out between sobs. "He … he said I was a thief and then he broke it and, it was mine, not his, not Sammy's, it was just mine, and now it's broken."

Castiel held him tighter, rubbing soothing circles to his back. "Broke what?" he asked gently.

"Your present. I- I started building it and, he got angry and he fucking broke it."

Castiel chose to ignore the curse word coming out of Dean's mouth. To be honest, he himself would right about now like to use a few choice words to describe what he thought of Dean's dad. But he knew that this, while possibly making him feel better, would not really help the situation or Dean right now.

"It's going to be ok." was the platitude he came out with instead, holding on to Dean, waiting patiently until he would be all cried out. He hadn't even noticed that his hand had started to card through the boy's hair, as he continued to whisper reassurances. God, he was mad, he had no idea when the last time was that he felt so worked up over something. He pulled Dean closer and the boy just clung to him, almost desperately so. If it was up to Castiel, he would just scoop this amazing young man up and whisk him away from all this trouble, keep him safe from this world and all its troubles. He just wanted to protect the boy but felt immensely ill equipped to do so.

It took a good few minutes, but eventually the incessant sobbing turned into the occasional gasp. Castiel had given up on the idea of saving his shirt. The spot Dean was crying into, by now was soaked and clinging to Castiel's skin.

Dean had not wanted to lose it. He had tried so hard not to cry, not over his dad, not show himself as weak. But then Cas' warm and soothing voice had cut straight to his heart, making him feel safe in a weird sort of way, in a way he hadn't felt in a long time and he couldn't stop the tears. And once he let go, all his frustration and anger came tumbling out. He pressed himself closer to the blue eyed man, feeling his strong arms engulf him. It had been so long since someone really had hugged him, or to be fair, since he would allow anyone to hug him, well apart from Sammy, but that was generally because Sammy needed comforting not the other way round.

So now that he had crossed this line, he let himself enjoy every second of it, crying like he never had before, feeling the big, strong hands rubbing circles on his back and enjoying the warm presence of another body. And then Cas' fingers started to brush through his hair, and Dean could feel himself shiver, leaning into the touch like he was starving for it. When Dean eventually started to calm down, his brain was demanding of him to let go, to get himself out of the embrace. But stubbornly he refused, instead pressing himself up even more against Castiel, moving his head so it was buried in the crook of his neck now. He felt the stubble against his skin and couldn't help but brush his cheek against it, which brought his nose right up to the spot behind the older man's ear and he took in the scent that was all Castiel, a fragrance he was only too eager to smell again. So he brushed his nose up against the spot again.

Castiel could finally feel the boy in his arms calm down, and he let out a relieved sigh. He could feel Dean nuzzling against his neck and if his mind hadn't been preoccupied with processing how this day could have turned out so bad for Dean, he might have even had the presence of mind to maybe put a dignified stop to the embrace before Dean would feel embarrassed by the sudden display of affection.

"Better now?" Cas asked, voice coming out in a rasp, making him clear his throat. He could feel the movement of Dean's head and only assume that it was a nod.

"Good," he smiled into Dean's hair and placed the smallest of pecks on the boy's forehead before pulling him in again.

Dean's head was swimming, he had no idea what was wrong with him all of a sudden. The dread of what happened with his father had been replaced by a nervous coiling in his stomach, a heat working its way all the way up his spine, making him feel hot and cold at the same time. He craved some more of Cas' body heat and pressed himself even closer, just short of throwing a leg over the man's lap and closing his eyes. Then out of the blue, Dean froze, holding his breath. Shit, there was definitely something going on in his pants, his suddenly panicked mind provided. ' _Oh my god_ , please don't let Castiel notice', was racing through his head, as he could feel himself flush red in embarrassment. Alarmed, Dean bolted out of the man's embrace, with a blurted out "I need the loo."

Castiel just looked on as Dean high-tailed it out of the living room, eyebrow raised. He shook his head, a small smile gracing his features. Probably Dean had just realised the 'girlish' nature of his behaviour and needed a moment. If Cas knew something about the boy it was that he liked to uphold his 'tough-boy' image, but who could blame him on a day like today to let it slip. He hoped Dean wouldn’t be too hard on himself. He was just human after all and Cas, for one, was glad he came to share his frustration with him rather than swallow it all down, like he probably tended to do. 

Dean raced to the bathroom, locking the door firmly behind him. He stared at himself in the mirror, down at his crotch and up in the mirror again, asking his stupidly flushed reflection "What the hell?" Yeah, he had had boners before, ever since he was twelve in fact, but they were generally dream- or well, lately, porn-induced (a nice luxury thanks to their dad not really giving a shit about internet security), but getting aroused while sat on the couch with a guy, with Castiel, his friend? What the hell was wrong with him?

He splayed cold water on his face, willing the hard-on to go away, as there was no way he would do what would need doing to take care of it in Amelia and Castiel's bathroom. He prayed that Castiel hadn't noticed anything. Dean was sure he would die of intense shame otherwise. He didn't want Castiel to think of him as weird, and throw him out or worse, lose him as a friend. As he panicked, he realised how much Cas' friendship meant to him and shit, he was about to mess that up. Cas put up with enough of their crap, and Sammy would never forgive him if he pissed Castiel or Amelia off. He knew how much Sammy had come to like them and it would break his heart. Dean splashed some more water on his face. At least his near panic attack had the desired side effect of willing his arousal away.

He eventually managed to get himself under control, not looking like he was five kinds of crazy, and walked back into the living room, feeling sheepish and murmuring "Sorry". Castiel just smiled one of his genuine smiles, all teeth and gums. "No worries, it sounds like it's been a rough evening for you."

Dean nodded in silent agreement, and sighed, relieved. Things seemed to be ok between them. "Sorry, I didn't want to dump this all on you like that, just, I don't know…"

"Dean, I said it's alright, really. Remember, friends!" and he pointed his finger between the two, and Dean couldn't help but smile. Cas patted the space next to him and Dean sat himself down, making sure to leave an acceptable distance between them.

"Now, do you feel ok to head home or would you like a drink first?" Cas added, and when Dean nodded his head, he got up and padded to the kitchen, motioning for Dean to follow him. He toyed with the idea of preparing some coffee for himself. He was wide awake now, and might as well use the night to work on his thesis.

Dean followed him into the kitchen, sitting down at the table. "A coffee would be great actually."

Castiel turned around, giving Dean a questioning look. "Since when do you drink coffee?" he asked curiously, leaning leisurely against the counter, a look that suited him, Dean decided as he shrugged his shoulders in response. "Well, since a while. I guess, since I saw you drinking it, drowning it in like five spoons of sugar. Got me curious." He added, while simultaneously trying not to let his eyes rake over Castiel's body too obviously because that would just be awkward.

"So you're saying I corrupted you?" Castiel teased while pulling out a second mug, and putting some more coffee beans into the grinder.

Dean just snorted and rolled his eyes at that. "Yeah, well, guess it was supposed to happen sooner or later." And now he had to look away. What the hell?

They both fell silent for a bit. Dean went back to watching Castiel grind the beans, then put them in the cafetiere before adding the hot water. Of course, Cas would be the fussy kind of coffee lover. Dean bet he'd rather drink water than settle for the instant version most people so readily consumed these days. He had of course watched him prepare coffee before, but now, observing him, the way he almost reverently added it all together to create the perfect mix, he couldn't help but smile. He wondered whether he would develop little habits like that as he got older. This one in particular would be one he could actually see himself doing, as the delicious smell of the brew was slowly invading his nostrils.

"Milk?" Castiel asked and Dean nodded his head, smirking when Castiel pulled out a small sauce pan, pouring in the milk and placing it on the stove.

"The microwave broken?" Dean enquired flippantly.

"No," Castiel replied dryly, not feeling the need to explain himself further. He poured the warmed the milk into a small, fancy looking mug and placed it on the table along with the mugs, a bowl of sugar and the cafetiere, then sat down opposite Dean.

"So, how bad is it?" he asked while he filled up both mugs before pushing one over to Dean, motioning for him to add milk and sugar to his liking.

"Is what?" Dean asked confused.

"The model," Castiel clarified, and then took a big long gulp of the coffee, sighing contentedly. "That's good stuff," he smiled.

Dean hummed in agreement, before he remembered that he actually had brought the car along. "Hold on," he said, dashing out towards the living room and returning a moment later with the plastic bag in hand.

"You brought it?" Castiel asked surprised.

"Yeah, don’t really know why, knee jerk reaction I suppose." He emptied the contents carefully out on the kitchen table, along with the blueprints. Castiel picked up the frame, eyeing it from all directions, before mumbling to himself.

"It's bad, isn't it," Dean said, more a statement than a question.

"Well, you're generally the expert on cars, so you tell me." He turned the model in his hand as Dean leaned in looking it over properly for the first time.

"Looks like the frame is misshapen and some of the paint has chipped, also this screw over here has broken off," Dean said, Castiel nodding his head in agreement, giving the kit his own once over.

"I think it's fixable" he concluded.

"It is?" Dean's voice broke in excitement.

"Yeah, I'm sure we can pull the frame back into shape and the rest is just cosmetic work and then you should be able to finish it according to the instructions."

"Can we do it now?" Dean blurted out, almost jumping off the chair in excitement and Castiel was just happy to see him smile again.

"Dean, the time," he said, which even in his eyes he knew only to be a half hearted attempt at avoiding the inevitable.

"Nah, my dad's out cold, and… but of course if you don’t, I mean you probably want to go to bed." Dean said, grabbing his coffee and taking a big gulp. It was after midnight now, and he suddenly felt like he had overstayed his welcome.

"Well, we could just fix the frame now, and then you could finish it off tomorrow, if you want."

"That would be awesome." Dean smiled one of his big, wide smiles that Cas had gotten used to seeing quite a bit of lately, and it felt nice being the one putting it on his face. He really had a lot on his plate for a fourteen year old and he deserved to be a kid with no worries for just a while.

"Let me just grab my tool box," Castiel said, grabbing the garage keys from the counter and heading out, coming back a few minutes later with a big, black metal box in his hands and getting straight to work, pulling and bending the metal frame, with Dean helping where he could as they tried to avoid causing any more damage. Eventually he was satisfied, it looked almost as good as new and he let out a big sigh of relief.

"There, that should do it." Castiel leaned back in his chair, chugging down the last of the coffee and pulling a face when he realised it had gone cold.

Dean laughed and took the frame off Castiel and looked at it, eyes shining again.

"Man, I'm not gonna bawl again," he huffed, turning his emotions into laughter instead. "But really, thanks Cas."

They both fell into a comfortable silence. Dean really didn't want this night to end. It felt good, being here with Cas, just the two of them but despite his best efforts not to let it show, he was knackered and couldn't stop a big yawn escaping him.

"You probably should go and get some sleep," Castiel stated, checking the time. God when had it gotten so late? It was almost 2am and he hadn't even noticed. Cas mentally waved the time he had wanted to spend on his thesis goodbye. But looking at the boy sitting next to him at the table, tired but content, it had been worth it.

Dean had to agree, not matter how much he'd rather stayed here all night, but then he remembered Sammy, home alone with their dad. He'd had his proverbial five minutes of freedom, the model would be fine, and Sammy would need someone to make him breakfast in the morning. He carefully placed the car and all the pieces back in the bag, while Castiel washed up the mugs.

"I'll walk you to your house," Castiel said when they had reached the front door.

"No, dude. That's not necessary. I kept you up long enough," Dean protested but couldn't help feeling warmed by the thought that Cas cared enough for him to want to make sure he got home safe.

"Not asking," Castiel simply assured before pulling on some shoes and grabbing the door keys, motioning for Dean to follow him out of the house.

A minute (literally, Dean couldn't help but notice) later they arrived outside Dean's front door.

"Let me know if you need any more help with the car or…" Castiel stalled for a second, thinking about how to phrase this. "Or if you have trouble or, you know, need to talk."

Dean nodded, understanding perfectly well what Cas meant, and part of him was already beating himself up internally for having been such a fucking pussy, crying like that, but the other part still remembered how nice it felt to for once not having to pretend that everything is a-okay.

"Yeah, I will. Thanks Cas," he said, and he knew that the smile Cas gave him would follow him into his dreams but he was too tired to care. Before he could doubt himself he quickly leaned up, giving Cas a hug, allowing himself to enjoy the man's presence for just a few seconds longer before heading into his house and tiptoeing to his room, careful not to wake his little brother or god forbid, his dad.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, just a general thanks for all the comments and kudos, it really means a lot to me to know you are out there reading this.
> 
> This chapter will be very much Dean centric, and we are slowly getting into the nitty gritty bits as I put him through the wringer. Also, I will probably move this fic up to M pretty soon, just to be one the safe side with regards to context, as I don't really want to censor myself, but for now T should be fine.
> 
> Enjoy :)

Dean tossed restlessly in his bed, pressing his face into the pillow as he let out a muffled, frustrated groan, mindful not to wake his brother. Ok, so he was officially having a small (or not so small) identity crisis. In fact, Dean was pretty sure he was going insane. It had been three weeks since that night when Cas had evoked a whole new string of emotions in him. Since then he just couldn't get the man out of his head. Not that he hadn't been in there a fair amount of time before, but now, he seemed to have taken up residency there permanently, his face, his eyes, the way his nose crinkled when he laughed, in high definition and 3D. It was all just Cas, Cas, Cas, to the point where Dean just wished he could rip him right out of his thoughts.

He knew he didn't exactly help the situation by basically devouring the man with his eyes whenever he was anywhere near him, like he was trying to assimilate Cas into his own body just by looking at him. He just couldn't help himself. Of course, Dean tried to be subtle because being found out staring at his friend _like that_ would be the death blow, Dean did not think he would be able to live down that kind of embarrassment. Also he was in no way convinced that Cas (or Amelia) wouldn't just throw him out of the house and never want anything to do with him or Sammy ever again.

But worst of all, in those long, quiet nights, he recalled vividly the way it had felt when Cas had held him in his arms, the warm press of their bodies together, the way his body reacted to just the touch and smell of the older man. As embarrassing as it had been at the time, thinking back to it, it had felt amazing and part of Dean wanted to experience it again but he knew that he couldn't. There was no way he could just thrust himself onto his friend like that. Even disregarding the age gap, it would be utterly futile as Cas was clearly interested in women, hell, he was married to one, and Dean liked Amelia.

Then again, Dean had believed he was only interested in girls, and part of him still believed that to be true, hence the 'I'm going mad' crisis at 2 am in the morning, lying awake, replaying just those moments in his head over and over, regardless how odd it felt. He knew what being gay meant, guys liking other guys and all that stuff, not that this, or any sex related issues, were generally talked about at home. Just another one of those areas where his dad hadn't stepped up to the challenge lately. Dean had his sexual education mainly from the internet, and it had been up to now a strictly straight experience. Looking at naked women, boobs, the bigger the better, and the occasional trip to one of the free porn sites. He had never paid the men in those videos much (if any) attention, thinking it was only the women who got him excited but now, since the 'incident', he wasn't so sure anymore. Was he just doing what he thought was expected of him? Finding women attractive because people and society told him to? Or was that really all him? And if so, where did his reaction to Cas fit into all of it? And why, when he allowed himself to think about it unfiltered, did he find the idea of a naked Cas, all broad shoulders and straight angles, extremely titillating?

Dean groaned as he looked at his alarm clock, telling him it was 2.10 am. Why did he have to deal with this? All he really wanted was for life to be simple. He really was a 'yes' or 'no' kinda guy, no room for grey areas. They just complicated things and Dean didn’t' like things to be complicated, especially when it came to his still developing sex life. He needed to find a way to clear his head and get some shut eye, with tomorrow being his first day of high school. One thing he most definitely didn't need so close to starting school was a sexual identity crisis, or any crisis at that! He buried his head in his pillow, trying hard to think of anything other than blue eyes, and just wished for sleep to find him.

#

Unfortunately the morning came soon enough and Dean begrudgingly dragged himself out of bed, rummaging through the clothes on the floor looking for something that was not too dirty and also wouldn't make him look like something wrapped in cling film. He desperately needed to get some new clothes after his latest growth spurt. He had to settle for a pair of blue jeans that 'only' marginally looked like they had been shrunk in the wash.

"Come on squirt, time to get up!" Dean pulled the blanket all the way off his little brother's still sleeping form, laughing when Sammy just grunted and burrowed his head in the pillow. Dean knew how he felt, being shattered himself from way too little sleep but someone had to make sure Sammy got to school on time.

Dean took to tickling his brother's feet, because he was mean and he knew Sammy hated it.

"Dean, leave me 'lone," Sammy protested, squirming in his bed, trying desperately to shrug his brother's hands off.

"First day of school, I thought you of all people couldn't wait to get back to learning, you little nerd," Dean teased, now ruffling the mop of hair. "Don't make me get some water!"

"Ugh, alright, gimme 5 minutes," his baby brother grunted, waving his hands in surrender.

Dean shook his head laughing and headed downstairs to whip up some breakfast. His Sammy definitely was not a morning person. That didn't mean that Dean was either, but someone had to get some food into his growing brother and it sure as hell wouldn't be their dad right now. He had managed to finally procure another job, but it was shift work and that meant that he was even grumpier than usual and spent his spare time either sleeping or drinking.

But Dean wasn't complaining, a job meant money and that meant actually being able to buy food and hence he was able to make some fresh blueberry pancakes for his brother, leaving an extra few in the fridge for when their dad came home. And if he was nervous about his first day in high school, well he would just have to suck it up, what was the point in whining about something he couldn't change anyway.

"Pancakes, awesome!" Sammy shouted eagerly, sitting down at the table and pouring a generous amount of almost authentic maple syrup over them.

"Easy there, the bottle is supposed to last for a couple of weeks," Dean scolded with a smile, snatching the bottle off his brother and pouring some on his own pancakes.

"So, you got everything you need?"

"Mhhh," Sammy mumbled through a mouthful of pancakes.

"Ok, here's your sandwich for lunch, sorry, 's nothing fancy,"

Sam grabbed the sandwich putting it inside his rucksack.

"Come on, we have to hurry up, I'll have to drop you off a bit earlier than usual, so I make it to my new school on time."

"Dean, I can walk by myself, I'm not a baby anymore."

" _Of course_ you're not," Dean smirked, clearing the plates away. "Just makes me feel better knowing you actually made it through the gates, and it's more or less on my way."

"It's the opposite direction."

"Well, as I said, it's _almost_ on my way." No way was he letting Sammy walk to school alone,  as he had to cross through the rough part of the neighbourhood, or walk around it and add another twenty minutes to his walk. It would be only for one more year anyway, and then Sammy would go to middle school, which was literally a ten minute walk away from his high school. He could rough it for a few months.

"Come on, at this rate both of us are going to be late for our first day." Oh well, hell, here I come, Dean thought as he grabbed his bag, leading him and Sammy out the door.

#

Damn, the stupid phone always had to ring at the least convenient of moments. Castiel was 'fighting' with about ten books that were rested in his arms, having his folded notes propped under his chin and about to head to the faculty meeting, where he was supposed to cover for the history professor, who had come down with some kind of flu. Castiel though was convinced that he had managed to snap up an assistant position for the laziest professor in existence. He and his fellow workers were basically running the department for the guy.

The phone kept ringing insistently and it was at moments like these that he wished he was one of those people who could simply ignore a ringing phone, but his parents had instilled the diligence of always answering. After all, one never knew if it would be something important (he could literally hear his mother's voice in his head). Amelia had tried in vain over the last two years to teach him the idea of not always having to be available and 'if it was important, they would call again'. So half putting, half dropping the books back on the table, he fished for his phone in his jacket pocket, swiping the screen to accept the call.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is that Mr. Novak?" a chirpy sounding voice enquired. Castiel groaned inwardly. Please, let it not be some stupid sales call. He hated to be rude to those people but at the moment he did not have the time to let them down nicely.

"Speaking," he replied curtly but abrupt, the 'sorry I'm not interested' already forming on his lips.

"Oh good. This is Healy SouthHigh School and I'm calling on behalf of one Dean Winchester."

"Oh," Castiel let out surprised. Why would Dean's school be calling him? Where did they even get his number from?

The voice on the other end must have picked up on his surprise. "Erm, well, you are listed as one of Dean's emergency contacts, is that right?" the woman enquired.

What? Castiel had not been aware of that but regardless he hummed a quick agreement down the line.

"Great. Now, Mr Novak, I'm afraid Dean got himself in a bit of a tussle on his first day at school and as a result has been suspended for the rest of the week. And we would need for him to be picked up."

"What do you mean, tussle?"

"Well, it would be preferable to discuss this in person; in fact the principal would like to have a quick word with a responsible adult about this. Are you able to pick him up? We tried his father but he wouldn't answer his phone."

"Erm, sure I guess." Castiel had no idea why he was agreeing to this, and in all honestly what he was even agreeing to. He was not one of Dean's guardians _and_ he had a meeting to go to and was sure the head of faculty would bite his head clean off for neglecting to attend but his mind was already conjuring up numerous scenarios of what could possibly have happened. One thing was evident, Dean needed someone there with him.

The boy normally liked to keep a low profile and it was only the first day. He had sensed Dean had been a bit off these last couple of days and assumed it was because of starting high school. Still, it didn't sound like him to start up trouble, so something must have happened. And if his dad was not available, what kind of a shitty friend would Castiel be if he didn't go and make sure Dean was ok. And while he had no idea how he had possibly ended up on the boy's emergency contact list, he knew that this was something that could be addressed later.

"I could be there in an hour," Castiel added after a moment, mentally calculating the time it would take to talk to the head, get his car, early lunchtime traffic.

"That would be great. In fact Dean is with the nurse right now. If you could make your way straight to the office, and he will be waiting there for you when you get here."

"Ok." Castiel said before hanging up the phone. Dean being with the nurse could only mean he was hurt and that had Castiel whir into overdrive. He wanted to get to him, and fast. He grabbed his keys and bag, the book and notes long forgotten and made his way up one floor to give the head some story about a 'family emergency' he needed to take care off.

Fifteen minutes later he was speeding down the road, the head having been, well, there was not nice way of putting this, 'pissed' at having to postpone the meeting but trying to be understanding. And Castiel only felt a slight pang of guilt for having lied about the reasons he had to leave.

#

Dean's eye was pulsating, the skin around it tender and swollen. Breathing was a bit of a challenge, his ribs were hurting from where that jackass had managed to punch him, multiple times. This probably had to be a record, being called to the principal's office and suspended on his first day of high school. At least he was not the only one, as a quick glance to the chair at the other end of the room reminded him. Jackass, or Phil, as he was called, had been ass-hauled as well, and that fact made Dean feel a bit better.

And of course the fact that Cas was coming for him. He really was about the only person Dean wanted to see right now. Cas was different. He was safe; he wouldn't be judgemental of him but listen to his side of the story. Something the principal had a difficult time doing. It seemed like it was enough to come from a certain part of town to get an instant reputation without even trying.

He hardly had been able to hide his relief when the school had been unable to get a hold of his dad and had gone to the next person on his contact list. Ok, he felt a bit bad for having put Castiel on that list without asking his permission. He was going to get to that at some point, but it was not as though he had expected to get into trouble quite so soon. He generally preferred to keep his head down and not pay other people much attention, but insulting his family was just a big fat no! Dean knew it was his weak spot and as soon as Phil had picked up on the fact, the insults had just kept coming. No one was calling them 'trash', 'spawns of a useless drunk' and 'a waste of space'. He didn't even want to know where had had known about his father. Apparently there really was no escaping one's heritage.

"Mr. Novak, here for Dean Winchester."

Dean's head whipped around, and ouch that hurt, no quick movement the nurse had told him for a reason, but Cas was here and he looked at him from across the room. Their eyes met and Cas gave him a concerned nod. Then his eyes wandered over to the other boy that was sat at the other end of the wall, he looked at least as bad as Dean but still Cas couldn't help a 'good' flash through his thoughts, and immediately gave himself a mental scolding.

"What happened?" Cas asked the secretary, no, demanded to know. Dean looked awful, and Cas was livid.

"The principal will explain this all to you. I will let him know that you're here."

"Hey Winchester, your dad too drunk to come for you himself?" Phil sniped from the corner he cowered in, hoping it was quiet enough not to have been picked up by an adult.

"You-," Cas marched over, standing himself in front of the boy. God, he was about to curse out a boy in the middle of the principle's office, what was wrong with him? But he suddenly had a very good idea as to what might have happened here and he felt a righteous indignation on Dean's behalf. He swallowed, collecting himself. "Would you mind to please refrain from hurling around unsubstantiated insults." The boy just snorted but thankfully didn't utter another word.

"Mr. Novak, the principal will see you now."

Cas gave Dean a reassuring look before disappearing behind the door.

#

Ten minutes later a very sore and miserable Dean was slouched against the passenger door in Cas' car and they were heading home. The silence in the car was suffocating Dean and he was desperate for Cas to say something, anything, he would even take the man shouting at him over the silence. As it was, he wasn't sure whether Cas was mad at him or not, whether the principal had said something that made Cas doubt Dean. But as he had no idea what to say either, he simply kept quiet, instead focussing on the pain in his body.

Cas pulled up in his driveway and walked around, opening the door for Dean and helping him out.

They hovered for a second before Dean smiled timidly at Cas. "Thanks for, you know, coming for me, I better be-" Dean pointed in the direction of his house.

"Where you think you're going?"

"Erm- home?"

"Your dad home?"

"No…"

"You honestly think I will leave you on your own like this? Plus there is some stuff we will have to talk about." Cas stated, urging Dean on to follow him into the house.

He walked straight to the living room and motioned for Dean to get comfortable on the couch. Dean groaned when he sat down, that guy had done a serious number on his ribs.

"You want me to get you some painkillers? And maybe an icepack for that shiner," Cas enquired.

"Yes, please"

Cas returned a moment later, glass of water and two pills in one hand, icepack in the other, which Dean took eagerly and washed down with the water before taking the icepack and putting it on his eye.

"So-" Cas said, taking a seat on the comfy chair opposite the couch.

"So-" Dean replied meekly.

"Your side of the story, if you don't mind."

Dean gulped, suddenly feeling very foolish about having flown off the handle like that.

"Cas, I'm so sorry. I know it was stupid. I- just the guy would not shut up about dad and Sammy and how we were just a waste of space and, I only intended to push him, and then things just happened and- god you hate me now don't you?" Dean tried to burrow his head in his hands but winced as a jolt of pain coursed through his ribs.

Cas was taken aback by those words. He stood up and moved over, sitting himself down next to Dean.

"Dean, look at me." Dean didn't want to meet his eyes but after some gentle prodding reluctantly looked at Cas.

"First of all, I don't hate you. How could you even think that? I think you are an amazing young person, caring and bright. Did I think you overreacted, yes. Do I understand why, also yes. But Dean, just because you have the physical strength to go after someone who angers you, doesn't mean you have to. Look where it got you."

Dean nodded, feeling his eyes sting and suddenly feeling very, very small.

"Now, what I would really like to know is how it is I ended up on your contact list."

"Oh god, Cas. I know I should have asked, just, I trust you and, without trying to sound pathetic, there really wasn't anyone else I could have put on there."

Cas gulped at the simple truth of that statement.

"Still, how, I mean from what I understand those forms need to be signed by your parent or guardian and, did you dad agree to this?"

Dean shifted and looked extremely uncomfortable, and not just from the pain, Cas could tell.

" _Dean_."

"Ifakedthesignature," he whispered so quietly Cas would have missed it, if it hadn't been for his lips moving.

"Pardon?"

"I faked it, ok, I'm- dad never got around to filling it in and suddenly it was the first day of school and-"

They both sat in silence for a moment.

"Dean, I- you are getting to an age where you can get in trouble over things like that, faking someone's signature is an offence and, I don't want you to get into trouble, you don't want to get yourself into trouble. You have your whole life ahead of you, these things can come back and haunt you."

"So, you're mad at me for the signature and the fight, but … not for putting you on the list?" Dean needed clarification.

"Well, it would have been nice to have been asked first, but no, I'm not. But why didn't you ask?"

"I- I guess I was scared you would say no." Dean felt pathetic and needy for admitting this, but it was the truth. He had been scared to ask this of Castiel but at the same time wanted him to be one of his contacts, so he had done the stupid 'do it now, worry about it later' thing.

"And that would have been in my right to do so," Cas said, Dean nodded humbly in agreement.

"I know, and I'm sorry-"

"Enough with the apologising for now. Just promise me not to fake your dad's signature again, or put my name on any more lists without first consulting me."

"Deal," Dean smiled, feeling eternally grateful to seemingly have gotten off lightly, well, apart from the week's suspension. He had no idea how he would explain that to his dad. Maybe he would be lucky and he wouldn't notice him not going to school, having the early shift this week. Still, there was no way he wouldn't notice the black eye, maybe Dean could get away with pretending he was robbed on the way home. It was worth a try at least.

"And as for that jerk in school-" Cas' voice dragged Dean back to the here and now. "Don't let him yank you around like that. You can't control what people say or do but you can control how you react. Look, I haven't exactly been Mr. Popular in school and sometimes it's best to just let it go, not to give them anything to work with. Focus on what you want to do and achieve. Dean, at the risk of repeating myself, you are a very bright young man, and I think if you put your mind to it you can achieve anything you want. And I for one will definitely be here to nudge you in the right direction every so often. So be warned."

"Thanks Cas," Dean could feel himself getting overtaken by too many emotions. No one ever said such nice things about him. How did Cas see all this in him? He was nothing special.

Cas kept looking at him, and Dean smirked remembering something else. "You know, for a second there I thought you would punch that jerk."

Cas eyes went comically large and he looked flushed. "To my shame I have to admit that I was tempted. He seemed like a rather unpleasant person."

Dean laughed. "Understatement", before a renewed wave of rib pain interrupted him, when he took in too deep a breath.

Cas saw the way Dean's body spasmed. The principal had informed him that Dean had seen the nurse and that she had concluded, after a 'thorough' examination, that the ribs were bruised but not cracked and advised on some rest and painkillers.

"How bad is it?"

"Not too bad," Dean lied.

"Dean, you don't look like it's not too bad!"

"Ok, it's freaking painful, I cannot take a deep breath without feeling like my chest is going to catch fire, but I'm sure the painkillers will kick in soon."

Of course Dean had to play the tough guy and told Cas it was nothing. Cas just shook his head.

"Dean, maybe I should have a look, just to, I don't know make sure it's as the nurse said. I did do a first aid course a while back."

Dean was adamant it was ok, but Cas could be very insistent when he wanted to be and after a little back and forth Dean agreed, lifting up his shirt under a sharp intake of breath, to reveal a big bruise forming on the right side, going right around the back. Cas took in a sharp inhale of breath. Just by looking at it he could tell that it must be really painful and tender.

"The guy really got you good," he commented, looking at the swollen flesh.

"Got him better," Dean grumbled and Cas huffed, shaking his head but flashing the teenager a small smirk.

"Hold on, I have an idea," Cas said disappearing to a confused looking Dean. Cas remembered his wife having some Arnica cream in the bathroom, and swearing by its efficiency against bruising and swelling.

"Here, put that on," he said handing the bottle to Dean and sitting down next to him again.

Without questioning him (because apparently he trusted him that much) Dean poured a generous amount on his fingers but when he tried to move his arm to reach the back, a jolt of pain shot through his upper body.

"Mother of-" he cursed under his breath, panting hard, which only increased the pain, switching to taking short shallow gasps instead.

"Here let me," Cas offered, taking Dean's hand into his and transferring as much of the cream from Dean's fingers to his own as he could.

Dean eyes were glued to their touching hands, feeling his heart rate increase. 'Shit, not now' he silently pleaded with himself.

"Can you move a bit?" Cas asked, having trouble getting to Dean's right side without twisting his own body in a rather acrobatic way. Dean nodded his head and shifted with his whole body so as not to put too much strain on his ribs.

Cas had one leg stretched out on the couch and his position resulted in Dean basically being rested between his legs by the time he was done moving. Dean was suddenly an emotional mess of pain, and cold sweat and a feeling of anticipation that left him breathless even more. Then he felt it, the first touch of Cas' fingers against his skin, and Dean couldn’t help but hiss. He wished it was just from pain but in reality it was the overwhelming sensation of feeling Cas touch his skin like that had him electrified, like he just put a finger in a socket.

"Sorry," Cas said removing his fingers briefly, giving Dean time to catch his breath, before gently putting them back, rubbing the cream into Dean's skin.

"This will be uncomfortable, but it should really help," he said, trying to reassure Dean.

Oh god. Yes it was uncomfortable, but not for the reasons Cas thought. Dean was just glad he was sitting with his back to his friend so he could hide the fact that he already was embarrassingly aroused (again). And Cas' touch was so, ugh- Dean didn't even have words for it. This time he was too tired and sore to hightail it out of here. So instead, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel each touch, each stroke, the way the cream felt cold when first applied and then slowly turned warm as Cas continued to rub it into his skin. The way his fingertips moved over his bruises. He was being so gentle, it was driving Dean mad, the worst and best torture imaginable.

He had the extreme urge to just let his head fall back against the man sat so close behind him. To feel that closeness, that body heat. He could almost feel himself sway backwards before internally screaming at himself to get a grip. Cas was a married man, an older married man! His lack of determination one way or another ended up with him going rigid which Cas in turn took as a sign of him being in pain, and he soothed him, telling him that he would be done soon. Oh god, if only he knew. Dean hated himself for making his friend worry about him when in reality he was getting dangerously close to getting off on the man’s touches. He took in a well needed (not so) deep breath and tried to calm himself, focussing on the ache and discomfort rather than Cas’ hands and where they were on his body.

Cas tried to work as fast as possible, he didn't want to inflict any more pain on the boy, he really looked on edge, confirmed by the occasional hiss and grunt. Cas forced himself to work faster, while still trying to be as gentle as possible. That was one big bruise, or a string of small bruises, it was too hard to tell right now, and would no doubt take a few weeks to heal properly. Once finished, he pulled Dean’s shirt back down.

“Sorry, hope it didn’t hurt too much,” he asked, worried, getting up off the couch, and taking another look at Dean.

“’S alright.” Dean replied, still too focussed to hide his current predicament, placing his hands over his lap.

“I think you could do with some rest, is your dad going to be home soon? I don’t want you to stay on your own.”

Dean shook his head, “Not until early evening. But Sammy should be home soon and he can-“

“No, you can rest here for now and when Sammy comes home he can come over as well. I will let him know what happened to you. I'm sure Amelia will want to spoil you two rotten when she gets back. In the meantime, let me get my laptop, so I can work on my thesis while watching you.”

Dean was too exhausted, for a variety of reasons, to argue or even protest that he didn't need watching, and simply nodded his head. The thought of Cas watching over him while he slept was kind of soothing, in a weird sort of way.

Cas left and returned a few minutes later with a blanket and his laptop, placing the laptop on the coffee table and urging Dean on to lay back. Dean tried not to grunt at the pain the movement caused him and needed a moment before finding a comfortable position. He smiled tiredly up at Cas, the painkillers seem to finally be kicking in making him feel sleepy.

Cas smiled back, pulling up the blanket and covering him, ruffling his hair and telling him to try to get some sleep.

Dean could feel the phantom touch to his hair for a long time, watching Cas type away at the laptop, finding the quiet click clicks of the keys soothing. He finally succumbed to his tiredness and fell into an uneasy sleep. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the delay in posting, it was a combination of RL and this chapter giving me a serious headache. Finally, I am fairly happy with it. I have decided to post this chapter unbeta'ed, so any mistakes are solely my own and I apologize in advance. I just didn't want to make you guys wait any longer. 
> 
> *And oh beta my beta, if you happen to stumble across this chapter, just let me know you're ok :) *
> 
> This is very Cas heavy and quite angsty and, as warned before, the rating has gone up to M. Also, you might notice that I removed the 'nothing sexual will happen until Dean is 17 tag'. Basically, despite having a full outline of the story, I cannot guarantee anymore that they will last that long, the characters are pulling me in a different direction, so I put the blame at their feet.
> 
> As always, comments are more than welcomed and make me very happy.

As it turned out, High School wasn't so bad after all. The studying sucked, for sure. Course work and oral participation in class just didn't agree with Dean, despite his best efforts to take Cas' words to heart and try to use the apparent talents the man saw in him. What exactly those were, Dean still had no frigging clue about. Studying had never come easy to him. Give him something to fix and he would do it, no questions asked, but all this abstract theoretical stuff just did his head in, and he couldn't always rely on Cas to explain things to him like he had in the past. But for now he was willing to try, for his friend if nothing else.

On the up side (and the reason it didn't all suck), it seemed that having beaten the shit out of a sophomore on his first day as a freshman had gained him a certain kind of reputation and respect. Phil, the dick, still stared at him from across the hall and Dean was sure, he was badmouthing him to his group of friends at every turn, but other than that he stayed away, for now, somewhat adding to the mysterious air that surrounded Dean's character and making Dean wonder what the hell the guy was planning. Jerks like that didn't normally go down without a fight.

But as a result of this, guys wanted to be his friends and girls wanted to date him, basically throwing themselves in his path, and somehow along the way, he had gotten himself a girlfriend. His 'new friends' had forever bugged him about whether one of those girls caught his eye, and how he should 'tap' that. Dean was sure they eventually would have thought it weird (and maybe inferred some totally wrong conclusions) if he forever put the increasing string of girls who wanted to date him off any longer.

In the end it was a no-brainer, really. For one, it stopped the endless come ons from the female population at school (which had got kind of tiresome after the initial excitement and boost for his ego), further it put a stop to the ongoing ribbings from his mates _and_ it put him even higher on the food chain, bearing in mind his girl was not only a sophomore but also a cheerleader. Now questions were mainly limited to enquiries about how far he had gotten with her, to which Dean just smirked and left them guessing. It was none of their frigging business whether they made out behind the bleachers during break or not.

On a more personal note, the whole 'girlfriend routine' helped trying to put his whatever he had going on for his older friend into perspective. Because, despite his best efforts, his mind was still swarming with images of blue eyes and dark unruly hair and long slim fingers. Only now he had the very real memory of what Cas' hands felt like on his skin, being all warm, skin just the right side of rough, as he touched him, to add to his ever growing list of things he tried not to think about. To be honest, that second time he felt himself getting hard in the man's presence really had Dean spooked. Once, he could have filed away under raging hormones or confused curiosity, but now he couldn't fool himself. Part of him was very attracted to his friend; he was not too stupid to see that.

But fuck it, Dean was at a loss as to what to do about any of it. He didn’t want this, didn't want to feel these kind of things about Cas. He, at times, was so angry at himself for not being able to turn this off, make it go back to a time when Cas was just their neighbour who, for some unbeknown reason, had taken them under his wings. His friend who spoke weirdly and wore funny clothes. Worst of all, he couldn't shake off the feeling that Cas might have picked up on something. He had been off these last couple of weeks, seemed more stuck in his own head than usual. Not that he didn't spent time with Dean, he and Sam still went around on the weekends and some nights, but he just seemed quieter, somewhat distant. Dean missed the man's attention, his friendship, or what-the-hell-ever, and he didn't want to lose Cas. So he tried to act casual and like nothing was wrong.

He even had proudly announced to Cas and Amelia that he now had a girlfriend, just to alleviate any possible hunches the man might have about Dean's dilemma. While Cas again seemed distant, like he couldn't care less, Amelia had made a big fuss over him and 'first young love' Yeah, love, right…

What the fuck did that word even mean? He was sure he had loved his mom, before, you know. And he was certain he loved Sammy but that was generally where his capacity stopped. His dad- it was complicated. He was family after all but Dean couldn't really say he loved him. Bobby was family and deserved his respect and Dean held a certain amount of affection for the old man. Amelia was nice and Cas was, well Cas, and no he didn't want to go there in any more detail. Anyway, he didn't have to go there now, because he was dating and that was that, case closed. So now he had a nice brunette hanging off his arm, acting simultaneously as a shield and as confirmation that all was well with him, plus the additional benefit of giving him extra brownie points at school.

#

"Yes, Anna, I know babies only get christened once but…" Cas protested weakly.

"No _'but'_ , Castiel! It's been almost a year since we last saw you; it's time you and Amelia dragged yourselves down here and make an appearance. Christenings are a family occasion as you well know, no way mom and dad would forgive you for not attending, and neither would I."

Cas groaned inwardly. Seeing his family was a challenge at the best of times, but right now was about the last thing he wanted to do; not while he was feeling like this. He needed to be at full capacity to face the rest of the Novaks.

"I- we really would love to but, you know, work and – anyway Amelia has this project she needs to finish and we just can't afford to lose a whole weekend-" And oh- _oh_ , Cas knew he was in trouble, by the way Amelia just shot him a 'don't you dare use me as an excuse' look. He smiled at her apologetically, shrugging his shoulders, and she gave him another one of those looks. He wasn't lying exactly, just stretching the truth to its limits. They both did have deadlines to meet for handing in the first drafts of their dissertations, but of course, not having time for a two day trip was really nothing more than a blatant lie. Just Castiel didn't want to deal with his family, read _Gabriel_ , right now. He was still angry at his brother from what happened over Christmas, and had hardly spoken more than a few tense words with him.

On top of that, he had no idea why, but these last couple of weeks had been emotional turmoil. Half the time he felt like he had gone straight to hell and someone was probing his brain with increasing sharp and pointy instruments. His migraine medicine had become his best friend. Cas had no idea what had triggered his latest _episode_ (as he had started to refer to the occasional surfacing of his same sex attraction) but he had been having those thoughts again. For weeks they had been tormenting him and he found himself unable to turn them off, shattering his belief that getting married and be committed to his wife would be the ultimate key to solving his problems. It had worked so well for over two years but now-

"Castiel James Novak! Do not ignore me." Anna's voice blared down the phone, pulling him out of his train of thoughts. "There is _no_ way this baby is getting christened without the whole family present. You have been hiding yourself away for long enough. What is wrong with you lately?"

Where to even start, and not that you would even want to know- or care. Cas groaned inwardly, knowing better than to say that out loud. "I'm just really stressed, work and my thesis, you know. Nothing to worry about and, I see what I can do with regards to the christening." Cas resigned himself to the thought that short of him getting run over by a car there would be no getting out of this.

"You better. I count on you being there, both of you!" Anna said. "Bye Cas, and say hello to Amelia for me".

"Will do, bye Anna" Cas hung up and turned to his wife, feeling himself exposed under her scrutinising gaze. He smiled at her tiredly, "Looks like we're going to Oklahoma next weekend. I better book the flights."

#

Castiel just _knew_ this would end in the usual way. Knew exactly why he didn't want to come. All Novaks together in one house for a whole weekend was a testing premise. As always they kept up the façade of the perfect family all throughout the christening and the subsequent meal with about half the church congregation (after all it mattered what others thought of them; their parents had instilled on them early on to keep family stuff at home). But for the trained eye it was hard to miss the way Balthazar and Gabriel quietly started sniping at one another. Of course, their mom as always tried to ignore this and pretend everything was oh so peachy. Uriel joined in soon, taking sides with Balthazar like he normally did, even though Cas knew the only reason he did so was to wind Gabriel up. Anna (plus baby) was too busy being the centre of attention to even care about her brothers' antics.

For a moment there Castiel thought himself lucky to be out of the firing line, until his mom grabbed hold of him, first questioning him about why his doctorate was taking so long, then probing him about why he and Amelia had not started having kids yet (the old Novak mantra, get married and get knocked up). Naturally, that was where Balthazar had to chip in, and tell his mom that they had _adopted_ two strays from the neighbourhood who probably kept them too busy, or too scarred for life to have kids of their own, not withholding the little nugget about how Dean had got Cas 'stabbed' over Christmas.

Cas glared him down then, no one was talking bad about Dean and Sam. They didn't even know the boys and as for the _stabbing_ , Cas tried to tell the actual story, not that anyone wanted to listen. His mom looked concerned for him for a whole ten seconds, before (in true Christian 'neighbourly-love' fashion, Castiel thought bitterly) hissed at him that while that was a very noble endeavour, he had currently more pressing things to attend to than spend his time with other people's kids. That was what social services was for, before spending a good five minutes urging him to get his priorities right.

It was at that point that Cas wanted to vanish, and where was his wife when he needed her to back him up? Oh right, she appeared right as he was going on the defensive, cutting his mom right off, which, to say the least, didn't go down too well. He saw his father approach from the other side of the room but before he could get involved Amelia, thankfully, had taken him aside, telling him he was a bit out of line. She then changed tone and beseeched him to please tell her what was wrong, what was eating away at him lately. But at that stage Castiel had reached the point of not wanting to talk and so they didn't.

That was how he ended up quietly in one corner of the room, nursing his third (or fourth?) double brandy and feeling sorry for himself. He couldn't shift the feeling that his life was spiralling out of control, and he didn't even know why. Cas felt like a pressure cooker ready to explode. He could hurl the glass at the blooming wall he was so frustrated, and he was not normally the violent type. A buzzing in his pocket stopped him before he could consider this thought any further.

**Ur** **brothers still among the living?**

It was from Dean. Cas couldn't help a smile tug at the edge of his mouth and he felt some of the fight leave his body immediately. He had given his friend his number in case of emergencies. More for emergencies on Dean's side, that was, but strictly speaking this qualified, Cas thought. Not that Dean knew this, of course. It felt more like divine intervention, Dean texting him just as he was moping about his lot in life and considering an act of violence that no doubt would have made him the talking point at family gatherings for years to come.

At the most basic level, it felt nice that the teenager had not only spared him and his predicament some thought but thought it important enough to contact him. Like Cas mattered. Something he had serious doubts about while cooped up here with the rest of his family. Dean obviously must have remembered his strained relationship with the rest of his siblings; maybe having grumbled about it to Dean for days had given him away. Either way, it was a most welcomed distraction. He smiled as his fingers flew across the screen, texting back.

**You mean have I turned into a serial killer yet?**

The answer came back almost instantly.

**and, have you?**

Castiel snorted into his drink, earning him a confused look from the other family members who thankfully had taken to ignoring him.

**Would you hold it against me if I said I had?**

Castiel took a big gulp of his drink, finally losing the feeling that a big weight was constantly about to crush him. He actually was kind of giddy all of a sudden and blamed the warm sensation in his stomach on the alcohol slowly working through his system.

**Just tell me where theyr holding u and I come and bust u out**

**You just would, wouldn't you, may I remind you that you are not old enough yet to be driving a vehicle**

Castiel was not normally into pointless texting, but right now it was fun and god knows, he could do with some of that.

**naturally, u save my ass I save urs and don't worry I know how to drive ;)**

Again an instant reply and Cas giggled, stupid alcohol, and he didn't really want to know how Dean learned to drive.

**would you help me hide the body?**

**Just one?**

Cas almost snorted the rest of his brandy up through his nose, and ouch that burned.

**Just answer the question Dean**

**yeah, uncle bobby's car crusher should do the job nicely**

**Your car or my car?**

**No way Baby's going anywhere near that thing, eva**

Castiel could literally imagine Dean's pout at the thought of someone damaging that car and another chuckle escaped him.

"And… what has my little brother in such a good mood all of a sudden; I thought you decided on being Mr Sulky all night?" Gabriel appeared next to him out of thin air, craning his neck to see the screen, and Castiel quickly shut it down and put the phone away.

"You're not having a secret little something on the side, have you?" He didn't wait for an invitation but flopped himself in the chair right next to Castiel, looking at him expectantly, albeit more than slightly tipsy.

"Of course not," Castiel grunted indignantly, his good mood all but gone. He could feel the phone buzz again in his pocket and wanted nothing more than to read and answer it. Texting with Dean was so much more fun than making conversation with his brother but the annoying prick didn't look like he was going anywhere any time soon.

"What do you want Gabriel?"

"What - I can't enquire about my baby brother's wellbeing? What is the world coming to!" Gabriel held his chest, faking heartbreak and Castiel fixed him with an irritated stare.

"No," he stated dryly.

"Ah come on Cassie. You still mad about Christmas? It's water under the bridge, seriously you are _so_ easy to work up. But honestly, is there trouble in paradise? You and Amelia seem kind of off."

Castiel looked away and groaned. Despite Gabriel generally being an exasperating and self-centred individual, he had his insightful moments, always at the wrong times Cas might add, and that didn’t help him one bit right now.

"No! What makes you think that? You never have a disagreement with your other half over something utterly meaningless. When did you turn into Mr Perfect?"

"So, there is trouble…" was what Gabriel took away from that.

"No trouble, we are fine, ok, peachy. Need me to spell it out for you?"

Gabriel just rolled his eyes. "Yeah, so 'fine' that you keep your distance from her all evening, looking like you're about to jump off a cliff - then suddenly your phone pings and you're all smiles and giggles, you sure you don't have a lady-" he leaned in and whispered dramatically "or ' _boy'_ -friend on the side?"

And oh god, despite having nothing to hide or to be accountable for, Castiel stalled, looking like a deer caught in headlights, throat suddenly feeling very dry. He swallowed in quick succession, trying to get his voice to work. Without knowing why or how, his brother had put his finger right on the pulse of his current crisis, and the thoughts and panic that came along with them. It didn't help matters, that he had been, in fact, texting with a _boy_. Dean. Not that he had anything to be ashamed of. They had a stupid little banter via text, like friends did. And Gabriel didn't even know it had been Dean. Still, the thought that the teenager managed to pull him out of his funk with just a few stupid messages was suddenly unsettling Cas greatly, effectively killing any leftover buzz he had felt earlier.

Now all he felt was his head hurting, drumming out a constant beat behind his brows. Damn Gabriel and his stupid innuendos, intentionally or otherwise. Not that Cas had any doubt where at least part of that comment was aimed at. His brother really must get off on making Cas feel miserable and he could feel his hand twitch, suddenly, with an overwhelming urge to whack that smirk right off his face.

"No I DO NOT - and this discussion is officially over," Castiel snapped instead, getting up too fast and feeling the room spin for a moment.

"Woah, easy there bro. I think you had a few too many." Gabriel reached for his brother, steadying him before letting go again. "Just, don't forget, I'll be here when you need to talk." he yelled after him, and Castiel _almost_ believed him to care. After all, despite all his teasing and taunting, Gabriel had kept his secret, just like he promised all those years ago, that didn't mean though that Castiel would add to that any time soon, he just didn’t believe him enough.

Abut 800 miles away, Dean sat crossed legged on his bed, stupid grin on his face and clutching to his phone. He was most definitely not waiting for a reply from Cas, and he didn't know that it had been five minutes since he sent his last text, of course he didn't. And it wasn't like he had nothing better to do; only that homework was boring, and he kind of missed Cas (not that he would admit that out loud). It was just that Saturdays were normally _their_ days. On a whim he had texted him, not really expecting a reply, having been very surprised when one had come almost instantly. It undeniably had brightened his mood a bit, but he would stop short at admitting to staring at the phone every ten seconds to see whether Cas had in fact replied. Dude was busy, most likely.

"What's that sappy grin about?" Sammy asked, having watched his brother out of the corner of his eyes for the last fifteen minutes or so.

"What?" Dean's head whipped up looking at his smirking brother, sitting on his bed, homework strewn all around him.

"You- grinning like an idiot."

"No I'm not," Dean protested.

"Who you're texting?" his brother pestered.

"None of your bees wax," Dean retorted, giving the little menace a glare for good measure.

"Is it your _girlfriend_?" Sammy teased, clearly not getting the message.

"Erm, no- yes, just texting Pam." Dean confirmed all too quickly.

"Aw, Dean's in lurve."

"Shut up, Sammy," his brother just didn't know when to shut his pie hole.

"Dean and Pam, sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.-" Bash, a cushion hit Sammy square in the face, effectively shutting him up.

"Jerk," he mumbled, throwing the cushion back at his brother, but he knew better than not to take Dean's stern expression on his face as anything other than 'this talk is over'. He definitely got weirder since he started dating girls. Ugh, if that was what happened, Sammy was sure he never wanted to get into girls.

In the silence that followed, as his brother went back to doing his homework, Dean couldn't help a very uncomfortable feeling settle in his stomach. Sammy had thoughtlessly thrown around a rather big word, the word he had been obsessing about lately thanks to Amelia's input. Worse, his little brother had assumed just from the way he acted while texting that whoever was on the other end of that conversation could invoke such a feeling in him. And just like that he was back to worrying about his increasing _whatever_ that he had for Cas.

Hell, Dean thought he had it all sussed now that he was with a girl and really, he liked Pam. She was pretty with just the right amount of sass to her personality not to make her boring. Yet, he didn't think he had ever felt quite that excited to receive a text from her. He placated himself with the thought that the reason for that was because he saw her virtually every day at school. Still, it didn't stop a strange feeling from taking up residence in his stomach, _and_ he was getting just a tad grumpy because Cas had yet to reply to his last text, and shit, he hated his life.

#

Four weeks, had it really already been four weeks?

Castiel frowned as he looked wearily at the staircase, like an execution squad was waiting at the end of it. It had been four weeks since life as he knew it had come to a stuttering halt, crumbling down around him like a piece of wood eaten up by dry rot.

He took in a deep breath and put his foot on that first step, walking up the stairs slowly, his legs heavy as lead. More than once he was tempted to just turn around and run, out of the house, out of here, away from it all. To leave it all behind and start afresh, or alternatively jump off the nearest bridge, figuratively speaking. Only he knew there was no easy way out. No matter how he looked at it, he would be hurting the ones he loved, had done so already without them knowing.

He was so ashamed of himself and what he had done that he started to push his wife, and other people, away, mainly hiding himself at work or in his study. He did not want to have this conversation, never thought he would need to have anything close to it, but he just couldn't hold this in any longer, couldn't keep this a secret and carry on with life as it was. And god knows he had dragged this out long enough.

Things remained tense after the christening, and he had started to run out of excuses to try and pacify his wife. He refused on various occasions to take her up on her offers to just talk to her, and tell her what was wrong, because how could he tell her the truth about him? When he knew he couldn't bear to see that look of disgust on her face. Of course in hindsight, he was sure none of this would have happened if he just had the guts to be open with her. Nothing could have been worse than this. But now, with his life in ruins, he was left with no other option than to be honest, and probably hurt her more than any declaration of his struggles could have ever done.

He saw the hurt in her eyes, every time he dodged her attempts at intimate contact. Eventually, he couldn't even get himself to meet her eyes, and he hated himself for the fact that he could see that she started to blame herself. Wondering whether it was something she had done to elicit such a reaction in him. Really, she deserved to know the truth, deserved to know that none of this was her fault, deserved better than this, than _him_.

He had never, ever in a million years pegged himself for the cheating type. Castiel had always been flippantly judgemental of anyone who cheated on their other half, be it a married spouse or a partner. He valued fidelity highly, and always believed that if you just committed to someone strong enough, you could withstand any temptation. After all, man was not slave to his desires but could choose to control them. Castiel could attend to this first hand, or well, he could have until a month ago. Oh, how the mighty had fallen. He was ashamed and angry with himself that he hadn't been strong enough to stop this whole fiasco from happening, wanting to punch himself every time he glanced at his reflection in the mirror. Right now there was probably no one who loathed himself more than he did. He was a liar and a cheater.

Although, strictly speaking, what he had done could not even really be labelled as cheating, but Castiel knew even as he thought it, that really he was looking for an easy way out, for a way to justify himself. Doing stuff with another person that in all honesty you should only be doing with your spouse, was nothing other than cheating. It didn't matter how far it went and that really all it had been was a drunken, heated kiss and a few nervous fumbles in a darkened car park, outside his faculty with one of the visiting professors.

The man for days had made his interest and intentions towards Castiel crystal clear, not taking no for an answer. He initially felt quite offended that the guy could think of him as a suitable candidate to pursue such activities with, as surely he must have known that he was married. But soon enough his charm and Castiel's generally weakened defences, as he was still struggling with the resurging of buried cravings, had started to take its toll. Exactly for those reasons, Castiel should have known better and stayed well away. Should have run a hundred miles in the opposite direction as soon as he had felt those first stirrings of more than just feeling flattered about the attention he received. There was just something about that guy. Castiel was sure it was his eyes, which were a strong dark shade of green and managed to pull him in every time he dared looking at them for too long.

Then during a post celebration haze of birthday drinks (it always was someone's birthday in the department, it seemed), Castiel was worn down from hours of having been flirted with. There had been whispered little jokes in his ear, way too close to not be considered intimate, brushing of hands against his own or slight caresses to the small of his back as the man moved them across the room to make small talk, like it was the most natural thing on earth. And Castiel let himself be moved, in more ways than one, knowing full well where it could lead but feeling powerless to deny it. He couldn't ignore his curiosity plus that coiling deep down low in his belly that had gotten stronger and stronger with each passing day.

Inevitably the offer to get some 'fresh air' came, which Castiel's slightly clouded brain couldn’t translate for what its true intention was. Quite possibly though, he didn't want to try and decipher it, because then he surely would have declined, and oh god, in that moment Castiel didn't want to decline. And then with little warning, pressed against a wall in the dark, there had been that first brush of another man's lips against his own, and he fell, got lost completely. The sensation of stubble against his cheek, as the man kissed him, set him on fire; all that suppressed _want_ pouring out full force. Before long Cas had kissed back, allowing the man's tongue to slip inside his mouth, feeling tongue slide against tongue. Cas' hands wandered under the man's shirt, frantically clawing at the skin there, feeling the hard planes of stomach and sharp hip bones, no soft curves, and he whimpered as he felt himself grow harder than he had ever remembered being.

It wasn't until he felt the guy's own erection pressing urgently against his, noticed fumbling hands open his belt buckle and a hand reaching inside his slacks touching his hard-on, that realisation and panic kicked in. Amelia flashed in front of his eyes and the guilt crashed into him like a tidal wave. The mere truth that despite loving her, he had never felt that kind of want, that burning need he had felt at that moment. Cas suddenly couldn't breathe, feeling dizzy, and had shoved the other man away. He haphazardly tucked his shirt back in his trousers before he took refuge in his car and sped off at full speed.

But the flood gates had been opened, the damn broken and Castiel could not deny the truth he had so carefully since his teenage years denied, when that first flutter of sexual awakening had him grow aroused and hard at the sight of two men kissing on TV, any longer.

Amelia deserved the truth, and if she then still wanted to have him, he would do anything to work this out, therapy, prayer, whatever it might take. But even while he was trying to believe this, he had trouble ignoring that small voice in the back of his head, telling him to finally man up and face the truth. To be honest with himself for the first time. After all, his parents had instilled in him the virtue of honesty, and to accept yourself for who you were (unless you turned out to like people of the same sex apparently, but Castiel had given up a long time ago to even bring up the point as a means for intellectual discussion with them).

One thing he did know, and that was that Amelia deserved to make an informed decision, rather than being lied to continuously, at least now that Castiel was finally able to face all the facts. With that new found determination and a big intake of air, he finally took the last few steps and turned towards their study.

"Amelia, can we talk?" Castiel said, standing nervously in the door, not quite daring to look at his wife who sat at the table, head buried in the laptop, trying to put the finishing touches to her paper.

Amelia looked up and smiled tiredly but hopeful at her husband. "Sure, honey, what's up?"

Castiel shifted from one leg to the other, trying for the right way to start this. He had practised this a thousand times over in his head but now his throat was closing up. Amelia picked up on the tenseness and her smile turned to worry.

"Castiel, what is it? You really are starting to worry me. You know you can tell me anything." She got up and took a few steps towards her husband, looking at him with her big hazel eyes.

Castiel couldn't stand seeing her like that and with a big sobbed "I'm so sorry," broke down and hid his face in his hands. Amelia was there in a flash and put her arms around her husband, only to be gently pushed away by him.

"No, I don't deserve this," he rasped. "You will hate me and I-"

"Castiel, nothing you say could make me hate you, but I'm getting worried here." she pleaded, trying to catch her other half's eyes.

"I… I'm, oh god Amelia, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to be this, _like_ _this_ but - you deserve to know. I don't want to lie to you, and believe me, I never intended to hurt you. I really thought it was over, just a juvenile phase, that I could fix this, but …."

"CASTIEL, please." Amelia begged, now shaking.

"I'm gay." He sobbed quietly, now standing stock still, waiting for the inevitable outburst. Instead of that, Amelia took a step back, gaping at Castiel open mouthed.

"What? You're not gay," she whispered in disbelief, visibly curling in on herself. "You, I mean, _we_ … what makes you think _that_?" the words tumbling out of her mouth as she moved back and sat down on the chair. Castiel sank to the floor and hugged his legs.

"How would you know? You never – why now, after all this time?" she asked looking at him, her face suddenly changing. "Unless… Oh my god, Castiel, say you didn't!" Tears sprung from her eyes.

Castiel shook his head while simultaneously saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't want to do this," over and over.

"Cassie, please tell me, this is all- this just doesn't make any sense. Have you been lying to me this whole time?"

"NO! I never- I thought I was getting better, that I beat this, I love you Amelia, you must believe me," Castiel implored looking at her through shiny wet eyes.

Amelia went very quiet, the occasional sob escaping her, while she intermittently shook her head, trying to make sense of what she just had been told. Castiel remained on his spot on the floor, hugging his legs tight and wishing for all its worth that he could go back in time, and make this all right. Spare his wife the pain he clearly had put her in.

Eventually, Amelia got up from her chair. "Castiel, I can't do this now – I- I will need some time to process this." She didn't quite meet her husband's gaze as she spoke.

"Of course, whatever you need, I'm – I want to fix this," his voice was hoarse from too many emotions. She nodded her head before leaving the room, leaving Castiel on the floor. A minute later he heard the closing of the front door, and flinched at the thought that maybe, this was it. Maybe Amelia was so disgusted with him that she left and would not come back.

He stayed glued to his spot on the floor, a place more than adequate for him right now he felt. He was the lowest of the low, had turned into someone he never wanted to be in more ways than one. He put his head in his hands, feeling the oncome of a major migraine and honestly, didn't know what to do next.

And suddenly a new wave of panic and guilt hit him. The thought of two boys, who had come to think of them as friends, almost family, left him gasping. He had not even spared the consequences his trespass might have on them any thought until now. If Amelia left they would be devastated. They would surely hate him for having brought this upon them. Oh god- Dean! Would Dean hate him for what he had done, for what he was? Castiel found it hard to breathe. He couldn't bear this thought any more than he could bear the idea of Amelia despising him. And what would he even tell his family, if she left him? No, he had to fix this, had to prove to Amelia that he wasn't defined by this, to hold this all together somehow. For everyone involved.

As on cue, there was a loud knock on the front door. For a second Castiel thought Amelia had come back, maybe in her hurry to leave she had forgotten her front door keys, but then he remembered. He had promised Sammy some help with his science project over the weekend, and he surely was here to make good on that promise, something which was confirmed by another knock and a voice shouting, "Hey Cas, you're in?" It was Dean's voice and Cas' heart was stabbed with a new wave of hurt and guilt.

He was torn whether to just ignore the boys, yet feeling a small tug at the thought of seeing Dean. He knew he was in no real position to help anyone right now, at the same time he felt so incredibly guilty for possibly taking this away from them, for not doing what he could while he still could. So after a sniff and a wipe of his nose with the sleeve of his shirt, he got up off from his balled up position on the floor, stiff limbs refusing to cooperate for a second.

He needed to pull himself together. There were two boys downstairs, who too soon might be affected by his stupidity. A fate Castiel would rather spare them, being as their own father was providing a less than perfect home for these kids. And god he would miss Dean, he had really come to value the boy's company.

Cas took a few steadying breaths, heading to the bathroom, splashing some cold water on his face and compose himself as best as he could. Then he headed downstairs, legs just as heavy as they were earlier, and opened the door with a small grin and a "hello Dean, hi Sammy," ruffling the boy's shaggy hair and giving Dean a pat on the back.

Dean's smile and his 'Hello Cas', had him flinch. How he had come to value Dean calling him that. Would he still be 'Cas' once this all blew up or would he be just 'Castiel' again. The weird guy, the guy who had cheated on his wife, with a _man_ , and ruined everything for everyone in the process. God, seeing these kids made him feel better and worse at the same time. Still he smiled and motioned for them to come in, asking Sammy whether he brought everything he needed which the boy answered with an enthusiastic nod of his head. Castiel ushered him and his brother into the kitchen, trying at least for now not to think about what would be next as he asked them whether they cared for a drink.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, are you all ready for some angst. Yes, there will be a fair bit of it in this chapter, not that there was much else to be expected after the last one. 
> 
> Without further ado, I hope you enjoy.

"Dean, what time will dad be home?"

"No idea, think he's on late shift tonight. Why'dya wanna know?" Dean mumbled, while trying to make sense of his stupid math homework.

"Nothing - just, I need new shoes." Sam volunteered after a moment's hesitation. He knew money was an issue but this morning it had been raining and he had spent most of the day with soaked socks and just couldn't put this off any longer.

"You sure?" Dean's head shot up, but even while he asked he knew that most likely Sammy's shoes were beyond repair. He hardly ever asked for anything not unless he really needed it or it had to do with school; that was the one area he hated to compromise on. Clothes definitely were generally very low on his list.

"I - there's a hole in my right shoe, and normally I'd be fine with it, just with the weather lately-" Sam said looking apologetically and Dean hated this, despised that his baby brother felt bad for asking about something as simple as new shoes.

"Let's see," Dean took the shoes out of his brother's hands, inspecting them meticulously, hoping against hope that there were salvageable for at least a little while longer. There was about 10 bucks left for food and no real idea when their dad would give them any more money. He had taken to leave Dean in charge of the shopping (and in unspoken terms of Sammy), being as he was still working erratic hours, leaving him some cash every week or so. But where he spent the rest of his time, Dean rather not know. He had been scarce around their home lately. He hoped that most of their dad's earnings went on paying off long overdue bills to at least keep the house with electricity and water. Though Dean had no doubt that a fair amount was left in a bar somewhere.

Dean knew their dad tried, or at least he had to tell himself that to not start to feel despondent, and tried to be grateful that he was holding down this latest job. Still that didn't ease the worry of making the money stretch, not quite knowing when there would be more. There was no way he would ask their dad for more than he wanted to give, well maybe for the shoes but otherwise, no. Dean had seriously toyed with the idea of finding himself a job, but the idea of getting a permit and of leaving Sammy alone for hours on end had put him off so far. He would have to look into it again. If they didn't need to rely on their father's income so much it would just be easier all around. Maybe he could squeeze in a paper route before he needed to get Sammy up for school.

"Damn, they're really gone," he grumbled, poking a finger through a hole in the sole. "Maybe we can make it to the thrift shop on Saturday; you think you will manage until then? Maybe wear two pairs of socks?" The thrift shop was a good 40 minutes walk each way, and there was not a chance they would be able to squeeze that in on a school day. Dean hated to ask his brother for this, but how was he gonna get him new shoes on a Wednesday evening? At any rate, it would quite possibly be shoes or food.

"But what if it continues to rain?" Sammy protested meekly, not really fancying another day of wet socks.

"M sorry Sammy, it's just that – money's a bit tight this week, and-"

"Don't give me that, money's always tight, I _know_ that- and we both know whose fault that is."

"Sam, dad's trying his best. He's got a job after all."

"Stop making excuses for him, he's-"

"No Sammy, leave it! I'm gonna sort you out some new shoes, ok. Just gimme a day or two." They would just have to find time to make their way down to the thrift shop and pray they have shoes in Sammy's size.

"How much money have we got left?"

"You don't need to worry about that."

"Dean, don't treat me like a baby- if anything YOU shouldn't have to worry about that, this should be dad's job!" Sammy whined.

"Then stop acting like one, and let me handle it." Dean snapped a bit sharper than he intended, shoving his homework to one side. He was not in the mood for math anymore. Instead he got up and started to go through the kitchen cabinet, trying to look for something that could pass as dinner. He realized that there really wasn't much food left. Some dried pasta, a couple of slices of bread and cereal. The fridge looked equally as bare. A half empty carton of milk, a small lump of cheese and some butter. They would need the milk and cereal for breakfast and the bread for the packed lunch. And Dean would have to hit the shops tomorrow, hunting for some basic supplies and reduced items, _and_ somehow try to get some shoes for his brother.

Sammy huffed, rolling his eyes before angrily slumping down on a chair, pulling up his own homework. Dean could be a stubborn ass. He was fully aware how tight things were money wise, no matter how much his older brother tried to keep it from him. Having your power and water cut on a regular basis generally served as a pretty good clue, not to mention the leaking roof and the chipped toilet bowl. He just wished Dean would stop hiding things from him. He was ten now, he could handle it.

"Pasta with … cheese and butter?" Dean held the items up, trying to go for a smirk. "Afraid we have to go easy on the food for a few days."

"Sure," Sammy replied, and then as on cue, the lights flickered before they were plunged into darkness.

"Shit" Dean cursed and slammed the pack of pasta down on the worktop. Sometimes he hated this, his life. But as fast as that thought appeared he managed to push it back down. There was no point in wallowing in self pity. But what the hell were they going to do about dinner and homework now.

"The power again? What the hell is dad doing with all this money he apparently earns?"

"Sammy," Dean growled.

"No, stop defending him, he's probably out drinking away half his earnings, and in the meantime I can't even do my homework because the stupid bills don't get paid." Sammy pushed out of the chair and grabbed his books.

"Hey, where' you're going?"

"Over to Cas and Amelia, you know people who actually care about us. And I'm sure they have power, and maybe even some food to spare."

"NO," Dean shouted. "No, we're not beggars and we won't-."

"You know they don't mind, in fact they-"

"I said NO!" Dean shouted, instantly regretting it when his little brother flinched. "Sorry," he added quickly.

"Dean, stop being a jackass, I don't want to take advantage of them either but- you know they at least give a damn." leaving the 'unlike our dad' unspoken. "Plus I need to get this homework done."

"I'm not gonna, I can't-" Dean muttered, his pride more than anything stopping him. He knew both Amelia and Cas would help in a heartbeat, but Dean couldn't help it. He hated to look needy, vulnerable, although logically he knew that they were aware of their family situation.

"Well, I'm going; I have to still tell Castiel about my grade in the science project anyway." And damn his stubborn little bitch of a brother, he put his holed shoes on, grabbed his school bag and determinedly strutted out of the house and across the street, leaving Dean standing in the kitchen staring at the pasta that seemed to be mocking him just by its existence.

Dean brooded in the dark kitchen for all but five minutes before he went after his doofus brother.

He knocked on the door, still feeling kinda stupid and angry but the second he set eyes on Cas as he opened the door, all that evaporated. The man looked like hell, haggard and tired, with dark rings under his eyes. He had not seen him since last Saturday and worried what could have possibly have gotten Cas into this state. The small tired smile he directed at Dean was not really reaching his blue eyes.

"Hello, Dean. I guess you are looking for your brother. He is in the kitchen." Cas motioned for Dean to follow him inside but Dean just stood glued to the spot, still staring at him.

"Dean, are you alright?" Concern seeped into Cas' voice, when he remained motionless.

"Yeah- yes, I'm fine, just making sure my little brother is not bothering you," he quickly replied. I should be asking you the same thing, Dean thought but for some reason he didn't. He didn't want to be seen to be prying. If Cas needed to talk Dean was sure he would bring whatever it was up at one point. At least he hoped he would. After all they had shared quit a bit of their personal crap over the months.

"Sammy is never a bother, you know that. In fact he was just telling me how the project went. He did very well indeed but I am sure you have heard it a million times already."

"Yeah, he was really proud of it, if you haven't guessed."

Cas let out a small chuckle and Dean smiled at him. It felt good to see Cas' face light up. And it felt nice that there was someone beside himself Sammy could brag about his achievements at school. His kid brother really deserved someone to take an interest.

He followed Cas into the kitchen, walked past his brother and ruffled his hair in an affectionate apology. Sammy just grunted, being engrossed in his homework. 'Freak' Dean thought warmly as he pulled up a chair sitting down next to him.

"Is Amelia not in?" Dean asked after a moment of looking around the kitchen, taking in its general state. There were too many dishes in the sink that clearly had been there for more than a day. Things generally were slightly out of place, which was uncharacteristic for Cas; he was a bit of a perfectionist, with slight OCD tendencies when it came to the placement of certain items. A quirk Dean had come to like about the man, being as his own life so often resembled anything but order. All in all things just felt off.

And even if he had tried, he wouldn't have been able to miss the way Cas' face fell, how he drew in on himself at the mention of Amelia's name.

"No, she's- still at work." Cas quickly answered, having trouble keeping his composure. He could feel his eyes sting and took in a deep breath as he had to turn away for a second. Fact was Amelia had decided to stay with a friend for a few days, to try and clear her head and to get some perspective. She turned up again Saturday night, a few hours after Cas' confession, to try and talk but that had quickly dissolved into nothing more than both of them crying. That was when she had grabbed a bag, stuffed a few clothes inside and said she would call him in a few days.

He hadn't heard from her since and wanted to give her the space she had asked for. But it was driving him insane. He hardly slept, guilt and disgust washing over him in waves every time he closed his eyes. His never ending internal monologue of how he screwed it all up, how he didn't deserve any better, how he was 'wrong', keeping him awake. His work days went by in some coffee induced stupor and any attempts at trying to work on his thesis had proven futile. Last night he even tried to drink until he couldn’t think, couldn't feel anymore, and had almost called Gabriel. He just needed to tell someone. Not that he expected Gabriel to understand or to be sympathetic. But he was the only one who knew about his condition; who else was there he could possibly talk to? In the end he drank so much he passed out, something he won't repeat any time soon as he spent the early hours of today puking his guts out.

"Ah, ok." Dean acknowledged, still eyeing Cas and trying to work out what was bothering him so much. This was not the Cas he knew. There was a knock on the door and the older man briefly excused himself, returning a moment later with a large pizza box.

"As I told Sammy, I ordered some pizza, no point cooking just for me." Cas tried to sound casual but his voice still sounded strained. "But actually I'm not really that hungry, so feel free to help yourselves and you know- make yourselves at home. I am afraid I will not be a very good host tonight, I have to get some work done, so I hope you do not mind me heading upstairs for a bit." Cas had no idea why he ordered that pizza in the first place. I wasn't like he felt like eating much lately. Just as well the brothers turned up or he would have probably ended up dumping it.

"Sure thing, you want us to leave you some for later?" Dean said even as Sammy already grabbed the first slice and mumbled a "tgh u" with his mouth full.

"No, you two just eat." Cas replied before heading upstairs leaving the two brothers in his warm, well lit, and smelling of wonderful pizza, kitchen. He just needed to be alone for a moment, at the same time the loneliness he felt in his heart lately was tearing him apart. Nothing made sense anymore.

Dean chewed on a slice of pizza but couldn't really relax despite being relieved and happy Sammy got some warm food to eat and a place to do his homework. And it wasn't even the overshadowing worry about how he was gonna get groceries and shoes for his brother. It was Cas that was on his mind. A longing to check on his friend, to somehow make whatever was weighing down on him better. He just knew something was up, no matter how much Cas tried to put on a brave face.

Dean managed to restrain himself for the better part of half an hour, occupying himself with eating and watching his brother immersed in his homework. He tried distracting himself by milling around the kitchen; help Cas in some practical way at least. Still nothing worked, the antsy feeling inside just became too much eventually and he excused himself, telling Sammy he was just going to check if Cas needed a drink or something.

He felt his heart start to beat rapidly in his chest combined with a weird flutter in his stomach as he walked up the stairs, a mixture of anticipation and dread. Dean told himself to get a grip as he stopped outside the slightly ajar door to Cas' study. A place he had spent so much time in, sitting beside the man, reading, or lately, just watching him, studying the way his face changed depending whether he was reading or typing. How he chewed the end of his marker pen as he was processing information and how his left leg always developed a slight nervous tick, moving up and down, when he disagreed with something he had just read (Dean knew that because he had asked him about it once, at the time his leg had gone at a hundred miles an hour, Cas seemingly oblivious to it until Dean pointed it out).

He knocked tentatively on the door to make his presence known before he walked in.

"Hey Cas, I just-" the rest of the words got stuck in his throat. There was Cas, sat in the comfy chair, the one that Dean had to come to think as 'his', against the far wall of the study, looking up at Dean with wide red rimmed eyes, while furiously trying to wipe away the tears with his sleeve. Dean could feel his heart plummet at the sight of the man. Words failed him, so instinctively he did the only thing that came to mind, crossing the room in a few quick strides and throwing his arms around his friend.

"Oh Cas," he rasped, hating the way his voice broke off into a high pitch at the end. His voice had broken a few months ago but still at times of stress it had a tendency to fail him.

"Dean, no, it's-" Cas protested weakly, before giving in and smashing his face into Dean's chest. He didn't have it in him to hold back, to pretend things were ok, having been caught crying red handed, he didn't even see the point. He should probably feel embarrassed being comforted by the teenager, he was the adult here after all and yet, he couldn't stop the tears. It had been too much pressure, too much self flagellation and too little sleep to have the luxury of keeping face.

Dean just clung to him tighter the more he sobbed, coming to stand between Cas' bent legs. Being considerably taller standing up, Dean rested his head on top of Cas', feeling the man shudder and shake against him.

"Cas, oh god, just tell me what's wrong, please", he pleaded, worry that something is seriously wrong with Cas creeping up his spine. What if he was ill, Dean didn't know if he could stand losing him.

"I just, I can't Dean," Cas sniveled into his chest, shaking his head. The mere idea of telling someone else, of having to go through the whole drama again, was suffocating him, like the more people he would tell, the truer it became.

"Ok, it's ok. You don't have to." Dean whispered, tightening his hold on the man to the point his arms ached. In doing so he pulled himself even closer to his friend until his whole body was pressed tight against the older man's, engulfing him with it. Cas eventually brought his own arms up and wrapped them tightly around Dean's waist.

Seconds turned into minutes and Dean drew closer to Cas still until in a split second of absolute madness he lowered himself on one of Cas' strong legs, feeling the muscles in the man's thigh work hard at supporting his weight. He tensed for a moment in fear of being pushed off but the push never came. Instead Cas pressed his face against the crook of his neck, and Dean buried his own face and nose to the side of Cas' head, taking in the scent of his hair. And oh god, his pulse was racing and he was tingling all over. His treacherous body definitely had a mind of its own. He could feel his hardness press against the zipper of his jeans but didn't really care whether Cas would notice or not. A small, very very small and very naughty part of him even thought that maybe he should notice, maybe then Dean could finally admit out loud what Cas did to him and they could- No, Dean mentally scolded himself. Now was definitely not the time to have those thoughts or to be this selfish. There was something wrong with Cas and he would need a friend. And why was Amelia not here? Did she not know? What kind of wife was she? God, Dean had to stop thinking. Amelia had been nothing but nice and kind to them, she probably didn't know or she wouldn't have left her husband alone like this.

Dean carded his fingers through Cas' hair and continued to do so until eventually he could feel Cas calm down, breathing returning to a somewhat normal level. Only then, and very reluctantly, because honestly he could stay here on Cas' lap for all eternity, he removed himself from the embrace, looking at the mess of a man still hunched on the seat. He looked wrecked and absolutely exhausted.

"Cas, I think you should try and get some sleep, come on," he said assertively.

"Dean, thanks but you don't have to- I can take care of myself," came the feeble protest.

"Sure you can but - look, I don't know what's wrong but, you always look after me and Sammy, so let me look after you for a change. I'm good at looking after people."

Cas was too tired to argue and nodded his head, leading the way to his bedroom.

Dean swallowed nervously; he had never been in Cas' bedroom before. When he glanced into it, he had a feeling that like the kitchen, it would not normally be this messy, bed unmade and clothes strewn across a variety of surfaces. His continued to take in the room, his eyes coming to rest on a framed picture of Cas and Amelia on their wedding day that stood on the night stand, laughing freely at the camera. For some reason Dean's stomach lurched at the image. So he quickly turned and focused on his friend again. "Why don't you lie down and I make you something to drink. Maybe not coffee though." He joked with a wink, trying to lighten the mood.

Cas hummed his agreement to the offer and sat down on the bed, bringing his arms up over his head and stretching upwards in an attempt to loosen up his tense muscles. Dean thought Cas looked magnificent in that moment as he couldn't help but stare. Cas' body was strong, a man's body, yet fluid in motion and he proved to be very bendy as he rolled his shoulders and brought his arms back behind his head to an angle that would have Dean's sockets pop. Dean swallowed back the excess saliva that suddenly flooded his mouth as his dick twitched with renewed interest. Oh god, he was all kinds of messed up over this man, no amount of going steady with a girl, and very happily having gotten to second base under the bleachers a few days ago, could change that. Still he felt guilty. For one, now was definitely not the time to harbor his man crush. With flushed cheeks he turned around and was halfway out of the door when he heard Cas' rasped. "A hot chocolate would be nice."

"Sure, coming right up," Dean replied as he went back downstairs and grinned when Sammy was still exactly where he had left him, perched over his books. Little nerd would get far in life.

"Hey Sammy, I'm making hot chocolate, want some?"

"Yeah." Sammy enthused, briefly looking up from his book.

"How's homework going?"

"Almost done, so if you want to head home in a bit."

"I- Cas is not feeling too well and I'm going to bring him a drink and stuff, make sure he's ok. Least I can do, so if you want to watch some TV until we go."

"Oh, what's wrong with him?"

"Dunno, probably just a bug or something." Dean brushed his brother off. Well, he really didn't have a clue what was wrong, so what could he even say.

"Ah, he should have just said. But yeah, I'll find something to do for a bit," Sammy said, "not that we got power back home anyway." Crap, Dean had actually managed to forget about that in his Cas induced frenzy but now a cold shiver worked its way down his spine as he added 'having to somehow ask dad to pay for the electricity' to his list of money worries.

Temporarily wiping those thoughts from his mind, he set about preparing three mugs of hot chocolate, putting in some marshmallows, that Amelia had bought primarily for Sammy, but hell they could all do with a sweet treat, and passed one to his brother before walking back up with the remaining two steaming mugs. Cas had snuggled under the blanket and curled up into a ball like shape. Oh god, how badly Dean wanted to climb onto that bed and curl up around the man, felt that pull again to have the press of Cas' warm body against his once more. Whether to give comfort or whether to get some desperately needed one himself, he wasn't sure anymore, and did it even matter?

"Here you go," he said putting the mug on the bedside table. "Hope you don't mind I put some marshmallows in it."

Cas sat up against the headboard, giving him a small smile as he picked up the mug and fished some of the half melted marshmallows out with is fingers, putting them into his mouth, moaning contentedly as the sweetness hit his taste buds.

"Not at all, just what I needed I think." He hummed as he licked his fingers clean and Dean swallowed back a moan at the sight in front of him. Life was not fucking fair, he thought as he averted his eyes, feeling his face and other regions heat up, and sat down at the end of the bed, sipping his own drink.

They finished their hot chocolates in relative silence. Dean not trusting himself to look back at Cas. Only when he heard a mumbled "thank you" and the clunk of the mug being put down on the bedside table, did he look up. Cas was burying himself under the blanket once more and couldn't help a big yawn escaping him.

Dean stood up and picked up Cas' empty mug. "I'm just gonna wash these and then- probably should head home, you know." He was just about to walk out, a 'good night' on his lips, when Cas spoke, very quietly but to Dean it came across crystal clear. "Stay- for a bit." Dean's heart started hammering hard in his chest, adrenaline flooding every pore of his body, stomach doing an excited flip.

"Sure," he replied as he turned around, trying to keep his voice steady. He placed the mugs back on the table and shrugged out of his shoes. He had no idea whether the invitation to stay actually stretched to him lying down next to Cas. But really not caring and too afraid to ask in case the answer would be 'no, he walked around to the empty half of the bed and climbed on top, keeping above the blanket but shuffling up close to Cas, bringing his arms around the man's waist and pulling him in, relaxing more into the embrace when he didn't seem to complain.

"Try and get some sleep," Dean whispered against the man's dark mussed hair, and Cas, sounding really tired, mumbled in agreement. After about ten minutes Dean could feel Cas settle more into his embrace and after a couple more he could hear small even snores coming from the solid shape in his arms. Dean couldn't resist and before he carefully removed himself from the bed he pulled himself up on his elbows, taking a good long look at the man's sleeping face, drinking in every detail, from the long lashes to the curve of his lush lips before leaning in and placing a small peck on the side of Cas' stubbled cheek. He felt a shiver shoot through him at the contact of his lips with warm, soft skin.

Dean turned off the light and closed the door before quietly making his way downstairs where he could see the flickering of the TV lightening the hallway from the living room in eerie colors. When he walked in he saw Sammy curled up and fast asleep on the couch. Oh god, what time was it? A quick glance at his phone confirmed that it had gone 11. Dean quickly went to the kitchen, gathering his brother's things and then returned, gently shaking his brother awake. He dragged a halfway coherent Sammy across the rainy and cold November night back to their house, praying that their dad would not be home yet, as he would no doubt tear Dean a new one for being out this late with his baby brother none the less.

The house was shrouded in darkness and Dean used the light of his phone to steer them as best as he could. Their dad was in, but was conveniently passed out on the couch, and Dean for once was grateful that he was not conscious to play dad. One thing he wouldn't have to deal with tonight. He urged Sammy to stay quiet as he ushered him upstairs and somehow managed to get a very grumpy boy to change with only the light from the outside to brighten the room. Dean got him into bed before he himself quickly changed and disappeared into the bathroom, having some business to take care off.

That night was the first time Dean jerked off to thoughts of Cas, allowed his imagination and memories to run wild as he took himself in hand and remembered the way he smelled, the way his strong back felt under Dean's hands and how his hair felt and smelt. He imagined them curled up together in bed again, this time naked and pressed skin to skin, and all the things he would want Cas to do to him. If that made him a _fag_ or whatever, then he didn't really care anymore. Not like anyone would have to ever find out about it. He felt ashamed after, but the longing and the orgasm had been too strong, too good to regret it. Still as he lay in bed that night, the buzz of the release had quickly given way again to worry about his friend and that sinking feeling in his stomach that in real life he could never have anything like what he wanted with him.

#

Cas woke up, rubbing his puffy eyes. It was still dark outside but he at least managed to catch a couple of hours of sleep and for that he was eternally grateful. He sank back into the cushion, taking a few slow deep breaths and enjoying the calmness of the moment between sleep and consciousness. Then the memories came back, of Amelia and how he had hurt her, of what he was- of Dean and how he had looked after him, no questions asked. Dean sitting on his lap (oh god, did that happen?) and did he dream about Dean lying in bed with him, holding him tight or was that for real? And why would he even dream about something like that? Cas could feel panic rising in his chest as it constricted painfully. Why did he not put a stop to such an intimate and inappropriate act of comfort? Did he take advantage of Dean in any shape or form? Use him as a substitute for lack of better company? Did Dean feel like he had to? He rubbed furiously at his face, as though that could chase the thoughts and memories away.

The thing was that in that moment it had been exactly what he needed. A shoulder to cry on, someone to just be there. The teenager had offered his affection and comfort out of his own free will, without any conditions attached to it. Yet, he couldn't shift the feeling that if Dean knew the whole truth about him, he would be appalled, wouldn't want to offer his affection so freely, after all, if not even his own parents could love him unconditionally, how was a fourteen year old boy to be expected to, whether they called each other friends or not. And for that reason alone what he had allowed to happen felt wrong. He should be stronger than that.

And as so many times over these last few weeks, Cas felt his life spiraling further out of control, like he was just being tossed around by the wild storm unable to find something to hold on to. But he knew he had to try, had to stop this downward spiral somehow. And today might be a good a day as any to try and claw back some semblance of control. He looked around the room, sickened by the state he had it allowed to deteriorate to. He might as well start with his room. He had always taken pride and solace in having things exactly the way he needed them to be. He got out of bed and pulled the curtains open for the first time in days. It was still dark outside and raining, but it felt good to have them open regardless. He shook out the cushions, placing them back one by one in a neat fashion before smoothing the comforter out over the mattress.

Next Cas picked up all the dirty clothes and placed them into the clothes basket. It felt good to be doing something so mundane. He climbed into the shower, trying to calm himself further as he felt the hot stream of water against his skin. He wanted to feel like part of the human race again, to find a way to pull himself together. His drunken pass-out and last night's self-wallow had to be the low point and he needed to find a way to carry on.

When he pattered into the kitchen in his dressing gown, freshly washed and shaven, he noticed that Dean had washed up and put away all the built up dishes in the sink. A new wave of affection for the teenager worked its way through Cas. Dean was a good kid and deserved so much better than the lot he had been given, and now Cas had possibly taken his one way of some respite away. What would happen if Amelia wanted a separation? Would they have to sell the house? How would be he able to keep his word to Bobby of looking out for these boys while their father couldn't or didn't want to?

Cas decided there was no point to worry about these things until he had spoken to Amelia. He meant it when he said he would do whatever it took if she still wanted him. He started to make himself some coffee and thought he might as well attempt to use the time until he had to get to university to try and work on his thesis. Life had a tendency to go on whether you wanted it to or not and he had things that needed doing.

#

"Dean" John's stern voice echoed through to the kitchen from where he stood in the doorway. Dean was in the middle of preparing some sandwiches for school. The house was dark and cold but at least they had running water, although they would soon be out of hot water if the electricity didn't come back on.

"Where were you and your brother last night?"

Crap. Busted. Dean swallowed nervously. His first thought going back to being curled up next to Cas, but before he could get any words out, his brother piped in.

"We had no power and I needed to get my homework done, so we went over to Cas'," he said coldly staring their father down. Not good, Dean thought, not good at all, judging by the thunderous way their dad looked at him.

"That doesn't mean you can just stay out half the night and live off other people, I-"

"Well, if you would pay for the electricity, then we would not have to rely on other people." Sammy cut his father off.

"How dare you disrespect me son. I am working hard for the money I earn and sometimes it just doesn't stretch far enough," John bellowed.

"It stretches far enough for your whisky". Sammy shouted and Dean and their dad yelled "Sammy" at the same time.

" _You_ are grounded for a week. And that includes no sneaking around to the neighbors. You go to school and come straight back home. Now get yourself ready or you'll be late."

"I hate you, I hate you," Sammy yelled as he stormed out of the kitchen.

Dean stood glued to the spot. He had wanted to bring up the issue with Sammy's shoes this morning, but instinct told him now would be the worst time possible. Why couldn't Sammy just learn to keep his trap shut? It really wasn't that hard, keep a low profile and don't act out. But no, his baby brother was a hot headed idiot who didn't know how to choose his battles.

"Dean, make sure your brother will keep to his grounding. And, I will pay the electricity bill tomorrow when I get paid."

"Yes, sir," Dean replied. That was probably as good as it would get. Another day or two in darkness was manageable. Maybe he could ask Cas for some candles, now that they couldn't go over there. Shit- he remembered. How was he supposed to bring Sammy to the thrift shop now without risking their dad's wrath? He would just have to take him straight after school and hope their old man kept to his usual routine of working and staying out till late.

"Good, now that's sorted I will have a shower." Dean prayed there was some hot water left as he went back to preparing the packed lunch, making a mental list of foods he could buy cheap that didn't need cooking. It would be cold dinner at least for tonight.

#

Cas pulled into the drive after a long and tiring day at the university. He had to cover once again for the professor who was off at a conference somewhere and a never ending stream of students had given him a headache, eating into his research time. He noticed the lights were on in the house and his heart lurched as he gripped the steering wheel tight. Amelia must be back.

Oh god, this could be it. He felt his pulse race and cold drops of sweat accumulating at his back. It took him a whole five minutes to work up the courage to get out of the car and into the house.

"Amelia?" he asked as he walked through the front door.

"In here," came the reply.

Cas hung up his coat and took of the shoes before he walked through to the living room. Amelia looked tired but beautiful as ever and Cas' heart ached.

"Hi," he said, feeling stupid but not sure what to say or how to start.

"Hey." She tried to smile. "Castiel, please sit down," she said. He nodded and made himself as comfortable as he could be in the chair opposite her.

"I am ready to talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the small cliffhanger. I had really hoped to get their talk into this chapter, but it was already getting too long, so I decided to end it here, rather than make you wait longer for a monster chapter.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long to update but I found this chapter really hard to write. This scene between Amelia and Castiel is very dear to me for personal reasons and I just needed to get this right. Amelia's part in Castiel's eventual dealings with his sexuality is a big part of this fic and I probably could have indefinitely fiddled with this chapter in an attempt to keep improving it. If you can't tell, I'm really nervous about this and I hope I dealt with the whole situation believably and it doesn't come across as rushed.
> 
> Obviously this will be a Cas heavy chapter but there will be some Dean and I even managed to squeeze in some fluff, because they both needed it. And I have no idea how I ended up with over 7000 words after I just kept staring at a blank screen for days?!?!

Castiel tried to relax but knew it was a futile effort. He was too high strung, every muscle in his body pulled tight.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, not quite able to meet each other's eyes. The tension was palatable in the air and the physical distance mirrored their emotional state. Castiel wrought his hands anxiously. He had waited all these days to finally get his chance to explain, to beg for forgiveness. Had rehearsed what he would say over and over again during sleepless nights, done his research into therapies and couple's counseling, but despite it all, he felt ill prepared for the this moment. His mind suddenly was exceptionally blank, while he tried not to let panic and shame get the better of him. He just wanted to make this better, to take the visible hurt and pain away from Amelia and to work this out somehow.

He could hear her exhale and assumed, just like him, she found it hard to find words, as the quiet in the room engulfed them. He swallowed back the lump in his throat. He just needed to do this, be the first one to break this stalemate. After all he was at fault.

"Amelia, I-"

"How long?" She cut in, now that the silence was finally broken, looking straight at him. Her wife's voice was strained like she was fighting not to choke up.

"How long what?" Cas didn't want to sound impolite but he needed clarification. There was just too much this could apply to. Known he was gay? Kept it from her? Had the affair (if you could call it that) lasted?

"I don't know. Everything- have you always known? All this, has this all just been a lie? Was there just one guy or, oh god-" she sighed.

"No," Castiel's stated emphatically. "There never was anyone else."

"But you said you had-" she looked and him bewildered.

"No I didn't- not like that anyway. I never- I made out with a guy once, but I would never … I love you, I couldn't do that to you."

"But you wanted to." It was more of a statement than a question.

"I- " he was about to say no, but memories came rushing back, and oh god, had he wanted to in that moment, so badly, but could – should – he really burden Amelia with that confession on top of everything else.

"Cassie, please be honest with me, you owe me that."

Castiel nodded his head in agreement. Yes, he did owe her the truth. He needed to learn from his mistakes, keeping things from her in the past was what got them here in the first place. He took in an audible breath. "Yes, in that moment I desired the other man, but- I couldn't do it. I love you; if you don't believe anything else believe this, please," he pleaded, holding her gaze with his own despite the shame he felt.

The pain behind Amelia's eyes was like a stab right to his heart. "Just explain it to me, please- I don't understand. Why now- I mean, we - we had sex regularly, and I thought you were happy and, were you always thinking about guys when you were with me?"

Castiel hated the way his wife sounded so small, so broken. Of course he had been happy but- there had always been that itch in the back of his mind. He clenched his jaw as he looked for the right words. How could he explain years of the turmoil inside of him and the subsequent suppression? How could he put that into words without causing more damage?

"Castiel, please just tell me. I need to know."

"I-" his voice broke, but he cleared his throat and carried on.

"I knew that I was different since I was a teenager, I guess. I just, I didn't want this to be me, and I never entertained the idea of pursuing anything with another man. I just ignored it, hoping it was just a phase. As a result I didn't have any relationships, no close connections with anyone. As you know I haven't had a real relationship until I met you. You were different; I thought my prayers were answered. I fell in love with you, and don't you think it was not real because it was- _is_. Just that, there was this part of me, I tried to forget, I thought I got over it, because you and me, it worked, but-" how best to describe this? Admit something he still didn't really want to face.

"There was this underlying current, something that always pulled and tugged at me from the inside. Some weird longing that flared up ever so often. I tried so hard to overcome it. Removed all my triggers that could make me question myself. Didn't you ever notice how I would change channels or topic whenever these issues came up? And I actually managed to forget for a while. And I was happy, with you."

Amelia nodded solemnly, remembering only too well all those moments where Castiel just seemed uncomfortable and 'stuck up'. At the time she had put it down to his rather strict upbringing, and as he generally had been a gentle and kind person it was not something she used to loose too much sleep over. Now she wondered whether she should have paid more attention. Maybe she would have picked up on something.

"And I bet you thought it was because of my family," she couldn't help a sad smile escape as Castiel confirmed her thoughts and she nodded her head in agreement. "Because of what my parents taught me, and maybe it was, but mainly I was simply afraid, I didn't want there to be anything wrong with me, to face this. And I never wanted to hurt you!"

He watched as Amelia took in the information, her hands nervously wringing in her lap.

"So, what changed? There was a guy?" Amelia sounded too calm to Castiel's ears, detached, like she already had accepted the inevitable, and no, Castiel wanted them to fight for this.

"It was- it was some random guy, someone at work, putting temptation in my way. He didn't mean anything to me and he's gone now. Just, what I felt at the time, I couldn't deny it any longer. It never had that strong a grip on me as it did that night, but that doesn't mean I want _it_ or that I don't love you. Now that I can acknowledge it, I can start fixing it. Amelia, I want to be with you, I have looked into therapy and together we can-"

"Castiel stop!" Amelia's strong voice cut him off.

"Please don't-" he implored, feeling a cold shiver of dread working down his spine, afraid of what might come next. He didn't want to lose this, her. He was sure he was going to be sick any second now.

"Why are you doing this to yourself, to us?"

"I'm so sorry, I will fix this and-"

"No, Castiel. I mean why are you doing this to _yourself_! Despite this messed up situation between us right now, I hope you know there's nothing wrong with being gay, regardless of what your parents might have told you, right?"

Castiel gaped at her open mouthed, not quite sure where this was going. "What?"

Amelia had tears in her eyes but she carried on. "Why would you want us to carry on pretending we are something we cannot be, trying to hide what you are in the process and hurting yourself and me by proxy, when there's nothing wrong with you to begin with? Would you really be content to go against your nature your whole life?"

Castiel wanted to protest, say it was not so much nature as 'a choice', hearing his parents' voice on the issue ringing loud and clear in his ears. But he couldn't get to say it. He had started to develop some doubts about the validity of their teachings over these last few weeks. It was really only minute, but enough to put a small chink in his belief system, and right now Amelia's words, if anything, made that chink bigger.

"And, even if you tried, there will be another guy eventually down the road, someone you will not be able to say no to, and what then? I don't want that kind of future for either of us. God, I was not so much mad at you as confused and hurt. The thought of you cheating was just too much. And the idea of never being quite enough for you is killing me. I can't ever be what you need, not fully. But if anything, I am angry at your parents for making you believe this stuff about yourself."

Castiel felt his eyes fill up. Because those words hit home, oh so painfully. That was exactly what he had made Amelia feel over these last weeks, and having this confirmed only made him feel worse. Why wasn't she more furious with him? Shouting at him rather than trying to be understanding? She would have every right to. He couldn't find the words he wanted to say.

"In the last few days I had a lot of time to think about what an upbringing like that can do to a person. Cas-" she called him by his pet name normally reserved for Dean, possibly for the first time, and he was compelled to meet her eyes, his vision blurry.

"I just want you to be happy, but I also want to be happy myself, and either of us twisting into something we're not is only a recipe for disaster."

"I'm sorry." Was all he was able to utter while fighting hard not to break down in tears.

"I believe you but that doesn't change the facts."

"But, I love you."

"I don't doubt that- and I love you too, that's why I want you to be happy." And finally it became all too much, and she turned her head away as she felt the emotions overtake her; unable to hold the tears back any longer.

Cas gave up the fight as well, letting his tears flow freely. This was it, he would lose Amelia and he couldn't blame her. She deserved happiness, to find someone who could love her unconditionally as a woman. He wouldn't want her to live in constant fear of him walking out her one day. Although he still believed himself unable to actually ever do so. Also he was still prepared to try and make their marriage work but he couldn't demand of her to put her life on hold while he tried to figure himself out.

And he hated it but her words of acceptance of his condition were already festering inside of him. He could feel them growing even now. He always valued his wife's opinion and therefore could not pass it off as mindless ramblings. Maybe it was time to face the facts, to finally acknowledge that he was gay and possibly one day even be able to embrace it. To not be ruled by fear of his family and his parents in particular. But it was so ingrained in him to do just that, he had no idea whether he would be strong enough. Right now he was petrified. He felt like he was already mourning his marriage that wasn't even officially over yet.

"I'm so sorry, I never wanted it to be like this." he sobbed.

"I know, I don't deem you capable of hurting me on purpose. You are a good man." Amelia got up and crossed the room sitting down next to Castiel, placing her trembling hand over his, wiping away the tears with the sleeve of her other arm.

"No I'm not." he protested weakly, yet he held on tight to her hand, unable to meet her eyes, staring off into space. He could feel his body hurt all over, the tension making his muscles ache. He felt like he had run a marathon.

It felt like they sat there for hours, slowly letting the reality of the situation sink in. Cas' mind was going a hundred miles an hour, jumping around from thought to thought of 'if's' and 'but's' and an overlying 'I'm gay' threaded through all of them, trying the label on for size.

"So, what now?" Amelia's hushed voice broke the silence.

"I honestly do not know."

Well, I think there's not much point springing this on people now, with Christmas being round the corner and all."

"Oh god," Castiel sighed. Christmas was looming, and with that the almost unavoidable meeting up with his family. What was he going to do about that?

Amelia smiled tiredly in sympathy. "Yeah, maybe you can try to get out of your annual Christmas reunion, but, if not, I'll go with you."

"You don't have to do that, not if we're-" Castiel did not want to say the actual words; also he didn't want to take advantage of her kindness, which he really didn't deserved.

"No, but I'm offering. Look, I know your family and I'm sure they will be more than displeased to hear about us separating, without even knowing the full extent. I know my family will find it hard, they really like you, but they'll cope."

Castiel flinched. "Oh god!" Of course the 'full extent' of the story would most likely lead to him being ostracized from his family. He wondered why he was so afraid of this. Why he still had this ingrained urge to please them. It wasn't like he was particularly close with his parents or siblings and whenever possible tried to get out of family occasions. So worst come to worst, what would really change? Was it the stigma he was afraid of?

"All I'm saying is it might be best to wait for the festive season to be over before we tell people. It will give us time to- we have lots to talk about and sort out in the meantime."

Castiel nodded in agreement. By now he just felt numb, almost like it was someone else this was happening to. He didn't even feel like crying anymore and he had a feeling that Amelia wasn't fairing much better. Her hand, still in his, was cold and clammy. He knew it would be necessary for them to talk this out, but right now, he couldn't do it. His brain was hurting and he just wanted to not have to think for a while.

"Now, would it be ok for me to move back here in the meantime? Rachel's couch is not particularly comfortable." Amelia asked almost hesitantly, sounding just as exhausted as Cas felt. It must have gone past midnight by now.

"Of course, this is your house as well. And you take the bedroom- if you want I can, I don't know, find a motel or something or … I could take the couch."

"Thanks Castiel. I think I- honestly, I don't know what I want, so maybe the couch for now?"

"Yes, that is ok. I will just get the bedding. I feel rather tired now."

"Sure, and Castiel-" Amelia turned to look at him.

"Yes?"

She gulped before shaking her head. "Sorry, nothing- just let's get some sleep."

"Of course. I won't be a minute."

As he walked up the stairs, despite his body aching and his eyes stinging, he felt somewhat lighter as weird as that sounded. It kind of felt surreal, this position they found themselves in. Obviously he was heartbroken, and as of right now had no idea how he would be able to carry on functioning, but still, knowing where they stood had taken some of the load of his shoulders. Now as for the rest of the world and his family, he would leave that for another day. He felt like he was two seconds away from dropping dead.

#

It had taken Cas the better part of three week to feel like anything close to human again. It was weird being in the same house together but not actually being together. And it wasn't like they hated each other all of a sudden and couldn't wait to get out of each other's face. There were still deep emotions there which made the inevitable distance between them even more painful. Sometimes Castiel almost forgot for a second or two. Like when he walked into the kitchen and saw Amelia sitting at the table and wanted to close the distance and pat her hair until he remembered that they weren't like that anymore.

He had made some tentative steps to finding some answers for his personal predicament. This mainly consisted Googling from the safety of his study, trying to find some answers. He had eventually stumbled across some help sites. One of them had a link for a local church that seemed open-minded and Castiel had oh so many questions, so many conflicting emotions, but not yet the heart to address them. Maybe one day.

Amelia and he had fallen into a bizarre kind of routine. Cas would generally be the first one home, cooking and leaving some in the fridge for her, because he knew she was busy and he was cooking anyway. Also he still felt like the guilty party and if he could make her life a bit less stressful right now he would do it. By the time she would come home he was already cooped up in the office or on the sofa.

Weekends were hard. They both tried to keep busy but ever so often they would try to sit down and talk. Initially it was really weird and strained but seemed to become easier as time passed. Mainly they were just planning how to survive the festive season. They hadn't made any big decisions as to the house yet. Timing was just really bad with the end of term approaching and both of them required handing in their work.

Amongst all this going on, they hadn't spent very much time with Dean or Sammy. The brothers had been around a couple of times and Amelia and he had tried their best to accommodate them. It hadn't been too strenuous as Sammy had a tendency to spent time with Amelia and Dean preferred to hang with Cas. Still he wondered whether the brothers did pick up on any awkwardness between them.

Cas' mood was also very unpredictable and tonight the dire weather was doing its best to quell that small flutter of optimism he had woken up with this morning. It was still raining by the time he came home and he really just wanted a hot drink and a shower before making dinner and then collapse on his makeshift bed, forgetting about his current situation.

He spotted Dean sitting in the Impala across the road when he got out of his car but at the time didn't think anything of it. He knew how much Dean loved that car. Yet he couldn't help but get suspicious when he noticed Dean still sat in it almost two hours later as he was about to pull close the living room curtains and couldn't help but wonder why he was still there. It was raining heavily and the temperature was definitely not favorable for long sit-ins in a car.

Dean on his part was getting cold and felt rather pathetic, hiding away in the Impala. But he needed to be alone. All he felt was rage. He could not remember ever having felt this livid. He finally understood the meaning of seeing red. Because that was exactly what it had felt like when he came home and saw Sam's face, marred by a black eye and split lip. Fate must really hate him. The one day Dean couldn’t collect him from school as he had to stay on for a project, having given in to his brother's incessant whining about being old enough to walk home alone; Sam had to end up getting beaten up.

Of course, he questioned Sammy right away and after some initial bullshit about some playground scuffle, he finally disclosed a name. 'James McAllister', and that surname made Dean's blood boil. It was not that common a name and Dean knew another McAllister. Phil. And finally it clicked into place why Phil had zoned in on him from day one. He must have heard about him and Sammy from his little brother who apparently was in Sammy's year. And while Dean generally liked being right, on this occasion he wished he hadn't been. But he just knew Phil was up to something. He could have dealt with anything aimed at him, no problem, but to go after his brother was not only a cowardly act but a big fat line Phil one day wished he'd never crossed. And to top it all off, it had been three fucking guys against one.

Dean would so get the bastards back for this although he didn't quite yet know how. His conscience kept him (unfortunately) from going after younger kids but he had no doubt that Phil was somehow involved in this. He vividly remembered the way the jerk had grinned at him from across the hall earlier today, and Dean had no reservation going after him.

He initially contemplated to just march into school in the morning and punch the guy's lights out; he knew a few moves that would leave Phil unable to attend school for a few days but on second thought reconsidered. He could not afford getting into trouble and risking people raising questions and worst case snooping round their house. No he would have to be subtle and find out an unobtrusive way of hurting Phil. Teach him once and for all not to mess with a Winchester.

But basically he was angry at himself for being so stupid and dropping the ball. He always made sure Sammy was ok. He knew he had failed to keep his brother safe, and Dean had a sinking feeling that their dad would not be very happy about seeing Sammy like this. He always told Dean to look out for is brother as he was still so young and Dean had no doubt there would be a few stern words in store for him and he had a feeling he deserved them.

He just couldn't calm down. Every time he looked at his baby bro's face a new wave of anger hit him. Dean eventually left Sammy to his homework and had taken refuge in the Impala. He needed to clear his head. Something he could do best while listening to music and loud at that. But because their dad was home, fast asleep, exhausted from the early morning shift that required him to get up at 2am (and no doubt a couple of 'nightcaps') he had to keep the noise in the house down.

So here he was, sitting in the freezing cold car, watching the rain splatter against the windscreen, while AC/DC was blaring through the speakers because he didn't know what else to do. He was sure the battery would give out soon but he didn't care. If only he would be old enough to drive. He closed his eyes imagining the engine's rumble as he headed down an empty road, nothing ahead or behind of him for miles. As soon as he had his license he would take Sammy on a road trip, maybe drive down to Uncle Bobby for the summer.

In his daydream he even allowed himself to imagine Cas along for the ride. He could be their 'responsible adult', although in his fantasy Dean imagined him to be more along the lines of something else, something more personal, more intimate. He knew it would never happen in real life, for one, how would he explain something like that to his innocent little brother, and then, he wasn't sure whether Cas was the road trip kinda guy (and there was the small fact that Cas was married). But right now in his head he could do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. The windows would be rolled down and they would feel the wind rush through their hair as they were heading to nowhere in particular. Just going with where the mood would take them, stopping at some random motel for the night, him and Cas sharing a bed and- he could feel his cheeks flush at the thought and the accompanying memory of that time he did kind of share a bed with the man.

Despite the spike in his heart rate, he felt himself shiver. It had gotten increasingly colder in the car over the last hour or so. He pulled his jacket tighter around his body. Just a bit longer, he was not yet ready to go back inside and act all put together for Sammy. He kept his eyes closed, mind going back to his road trip fantasy and Cas.

'If you want blood' was playing (fittingly) and he almost didn't hear the rap on the window. He startled, expecting Sammy or worse his dad but instead it was Cas, staring at him like he had lost his mind. Dean couldn't help but think he looked endearing, streams of water cascading down his hair and side of his face and that tell tale trenchcoat pulled around him.

Dean turned the volume down and rolled down the window. "Hey Cas, you know it's raining, right?"

"Yes I am aware. I am also aware that you have been sitting in this car in the dark for the best part of two hours and I just wanted to know if you are ok." Curiosity and concern for Dean had finally gotten the better of him. Sitting out in the cold for hours could not be considered good for one's health.

"I'm fine." Dean said, and it was only half a lie. Seeing Cas always had an effect of lifting his mood and knowing he actually cared enough to come out in the pouring rain made him smile.

"So you just randomly sit in your car in the dark, which I can only assume is getting rather cold by now," Cas remarked eyebrow raised.

"Kinda."

Dean's heart fell for a second when the man's face disappeared from his window, and he wondered what he could have said to make him leave without a goodbye. But then he was in his peripheral vision, moving round the back. He opened the door and slid into the passenger seat.

"Hey you getting the seat all wet." Dean protested half heartedly, because really, he was just happy that Cas was still here. He grinned, rolling his eyes, when he was rewarded with one of those unique 'stating the obvious' faces, Cas pulled so well. He really had the 'face' down to a t.

"Well, I was getting wet just standing there, and as I assumed you would not vacate this vehicle any time soon, I made an informed decision to get in. Because I know you, and you are not fine."

Dean sighed. "Seems like we know each other too well." He left the 'I know you're not alright too' unsaid. While Cas seemed calmer since that night he had fallen apart, Dean could still see the tension in the man's face whenever he set eyes on him. And while he wanted to believe it was just work stress, he had this feeling there was more to it. He still didn't know what had his friend crumble like that but he would work it out and help Cas if he could.

"Yes that tends to happen when two people spend time together. Although it is entirely possible to spend years with someone and never really know them at all." And Cas hadn't meant to sound quite so wistful, the remark intended towards his family and the way they always danced around any real personal issues, but he painfully realized it was just as applicable for his current situation. And in a way, did Dean really know him?

"Way to bring down the mood." Dean chortled, and he could almost forget that he had been really upset but a few minutes ago. Cas looked startling in his dorky kind of way, hair and face still wet. "Dude, you're dripping." Droplets of water were making their way down Cas' hair and dripping onto the collar of his coat. Cas worked his hands through his hair, trying to fluff out some of the water, spraying it everywhere in the process, some hitting Dean's side of the face.

Dean couldn't' help but laugh, yelping a "hey," when the spray hit him. Now Cas really looked like something the cat dragged in, but fuck, he couldn't help staring.

"Better?" Cas asked dryly seemingly not noticing or ignoring Dean's wide smirk.

"Yeah Cas, _better_. Now it's not just on your head but all over my baby."

"Oh."

"It's alright; it needs a good wipe down anyway."

Cas gave him that look again, head bent slightly to one side like he was studying him. Dean had hoped he had forgotten about asking why he was in the car, but the look told him otherwise. He was being assessed. But that stare also made heat pool in his stomach. He wished he was better at handling his crush by now but how could he not react to the way Cas was looking at him.

"What are you doing for Christmas?" Dean looked perplexed at the question, seemingly out of nowhere, but was grateful for the change of topic. Looked like Cas really did know him and understood he wasn't up for talking about serious shit. He needed some normality, if only for a moment and somehow Cas picked up on it.

"Dunno, Bobby invited us down to his and dad mentioned going if he can get the time off. Other than that- probably same old. Hopefully minus any runaway Sammy's or stabbing incidents," he chuckled looking over at Cas.

"Maybe we upgrade to an actual mugging this time." Cas smiled back. "I'd take that over my family any day."

"Oh god, are they going to descend on you again?"

"No, it's the big gathering at my parent's house. I tried getting out of it but they threatened to all turn up here and at least my parent's house is bigger, more place to hide."

"Man, I'm sorry."

"Don't be, one can't choose their family. Something you should remember as well." He said giving Dean a pointed look.

"Yeah," Dean said sounding almost pensive. "Bobby always says family don't end with blood. And that sometimes people you meet along the way can become more of a family than your real one. Still, you know, it's family."

They both relaxed back into their seats, not really wanting to address any serious issues, rather enjoying the music for a short while. And idea popped into Dean' head seemingly out of nowhere and he ribbed Cas in the side, mischievous grin on his face.

"Why should I be wary of this face?"

"You up for a little adventure?" Dean tried to look innocent.

"Define adventure."

"Fancy a little spin? This beauty is in working order now." Dean knew it was a stupid idea, but he just felt like doing something silly, something different.

"When did this happen?" Cas couldn't hide the surprise in his voice.

"A while back, when dad had one of his better weeks, he finally got round to fixing the engine, and he even let me put the spark plug in." Dean smiled at the nice memory, unfortunately way too rare where his father was concerned. It was like sometimes Dean just didn't know which dad would turn up at any given day. He had pretty much accepted to take the good days and forget the bad. Also he did wonder how his dad had the money for the parts but was behind on the utility bills. But he knew better than to ask.

"But you-"

"I know I'm not old enough to drive." Dean chortled. "You have told me so on many occasions. I was more thinking of - _you_ driving." Dean smirked, trying to go for subtle persuasion.

"But, is it even insured?" Cas gave him a slightly panicked look.

"You want me to answer this truthfully?" Dean winked at him.

"No, on second thought don't answer that." Cas relented.

"Come on just once round the corner, don't you just want to find out what she feels like on the road."

Cas knew he would be mad agreeing to this. Why was he even contemplating Dean's offer? He never got into trouble with the law. Doing things by the book, literally, that was him. But then again, he had never admitted to being gay before, never been in the process of getting divorced and most likely disowned by his family. Always doing things by the book really hadn't served him that well looking at it like that. And Cas was tired of always playing by everybody else's rules. What was the saying, 'live a little'?

"Ok." he said before he could really think about it.

"Wow," Dean grinned. "Didn't actually think you would say yes, I was more pulling your leg but, ok, let's do this." Dean felt a sudden surge of adrenaline. On the road with his baby and Cas, maybe dreams did come true. He quickly swapped position with his friend and waited, chuckling quietly as he watched the man getting comfortable in his seat.

"You look good behind the wheel."

Cas looked over at Dean smiling, taking in a deep breath before turning the key in the ignition. It took two tries but then the engine rumbled to life.

"That's what I'm talking about," Dean's excitement was infectious and Cas grinned as he backed slowly out of the drive. It took him a moment to get used to the no power steering and handling a big car like that but then they were off down the road.

"Where to young sir?" Cas teased.

"Anywhere but here." Dean said, closing his eyes and reveling in the feeling of the moving vehicle, the vibration on the engine. Most of all though he enjoyed the company of the man next to him.

Cas decided to head straight down for a while, eventually finding a convenient spot to turn around. He had to agree with Dean, there was something about a car like this, new models just couldn't provide. And the exhilaration of knowing he did something illegal was heady. He felt his pulse racing, as he pressed down on the pedal. He let out a nervous huff, still not quite believing he was actually doing this, chancing a glance over at Dean.

He let his eyes roam over the boy's face for longer than was probably deemed safe, being as he was driving, but he looked more relaxed and content than Cas had seen him in a long time and he enjoyed seeing him like that. He loved that he could make Dean's life that little bit brighter, even if just for a short while. Also, Dean was turning into a very handsome teenager, Cas couldn't help but notice. He had no doubt he would break more than just a few hearts in a few years. But really for him it was Dean' personality that stood out, his fierce loyalty, sense of duty and the way he cared for the ones he loved, even at such a young age and after everything he's been through. He had a beautiful soul. Cas felt a nervous flutter in his stomach and put it down to the affection he had developed for the boy.

Dean couldn't help but feel like he was being watched. He opened his eyes and was met with blue eyes on him. Cas, to Dean's great disappointment, quickly looked away, focusing on the traffic again. He felt his stomach do an excited flip. Damn those eyes.

"A great feeling, ain't it? I can't wait to drive her myself." Dean felt the need to say something to ease his tension. He was not cold anymore. Cas hummed in agreement but otherwise remained quiet, like he was suddenly in his own world.

Dean turned up the music slightly and lounged back in his seat. Just for a while he could pretend this was one of those trips he imagined. Him and Cas against the world; Sammy in the backseat. In those scenarios he would of course be allowed to touch Cas. Place a hand on his shoulder or gently squeeze his knee. And for a split second he was tempted to just go with it, and see what happened. Could feel his hand twitch in anticipation. But of course this was reality. So all he could do was enjoy the man's presence, drink in his features while he was driving, and chortle at the way Cas looked way too stiff behind the wheel, sitting upright and clinging to the wheel with two hands.

"Cas, that's not how you drive a car like this." he informed the man.

"Well, this is how _I_ drive," came the Cas-like response.

"No dude, you gotta feel it, become one with the car, like- look at me." Dean instructed as he made himself more comfortable in his seat, relaxing back, one arm on his thigh the other stretching out to come to rest on the back of Cas' seat.

Cas glanced over at Dean, not looking altogether convinced.

"Come on, just give it a try." Dean nudged Cas' shoulder with his hand.

"Alright." Apparently Cas was unable to say no to Dean so he adjusted his own position, sunk a bit lower into the seat and holding the wheel with his left hand. He brought his other arm up and placed it on top of Dean's, coming to rest on his seat just behind Dean's neck. He felt ridiculous, being a strict 10 and 2 position guy but he tried to go with the moment.

"Better?"

Dean's heart was racing and about to jump out of his chest right about now. He completely forgot to grace Cas' question with an answer. It felt almost like the man was hugging him, right here in the car, with his arm slung over the back of his seat, and if he only would shift a bit, lean in he could rest his head against his shoulder. As it was, their arms were touching and even that was enough to drive him mad. He focused his gaze back on Cas. He really did look good behind the wheel of his baby. His hair now almost dry and standing up in all sorts of ways, good enough to push your hands through and Dean had to look away.

He settled for a somewhat compromise, letting his head fall back to rest against Cas' lower arm, and closed his eyes again.

"You seem exhausted, maybe we should turn around." Cas misread Dean's stolen snuggle for tiredness.

"Nah, I'm fine. Don't stop," he mumbled, letting himself inch just that little bit closer to Cas' shoulder, and really, if they would just keep on driving all night that would be ok with him.

By now they had left their neighborhood behind and Cas was heading down the familiar route to his university. He occasionally glanced over at Dean, who looked so peaceful resting against his arm, a small smile gracing his features. His silent plea to keep on going was what kept Cas driving. But he knew that really he should turn around soon. There was taking a chance and then there was tempting fate. Also it was getting late and Dean surely should be at home by now. So reluctantly he found a convenient spot to turn around.

He still felt giddy and more alive than he had in weeks as the pulled back onto the drive about fifteen minutes later and turned off the engine. He didn't quite know what it was about Dean but he seemed to manage to bring out a side of him he didn't really know existed. He gently nudged Dean.

"Any more illegal activities you care to involve me in tonight?" he asked in a flat voice but with a smirk, and damn, yes, Dean would have an idea or two and had to bite his tongue.

"Ah come on Cas. You enjoyed yourself, admit it."

"Yes, to my shame I have to admit I found the overall experience rather exhilarating."

Dean laughed. He just loved the way Cas talked. "Now there, don't get a taste for it. We can't have you break the law on a regular basis. Although my offer to bust you out still stands."

"Somehow I don't think this will be necessary. My brief fling with the wrong side of the law aside, I don't think I would be cut out for this kind of life." He chuckled.

They were still laughing when they got out of the car and Cas handed the keys back to Dean who quickly locked it. They stood on the dark drive, looking at one another, not really wanting to say goodbye. Thankfully it had stopped raining.

"Well, thanks, you know- for taking my mind off things."

"So, there was something on your mind."

"Yeah, well-"

"It's ok. Just you know, when you need to talk I will be here."

Dean suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to hug the man, and finding no real reason not to, he quickly crossed the distance flinging his arms around Cas' waist, burying his head in the crook of Cas' neck.

"Thanks," he muffled against Cas' skin, and had to restrain himself with all his will not to place a lasting kiss against the soft warm flesh.

Cas hesitated for a second before he returned the embrace, pulling Dean in, allowing himself to enjoy the hug. He realized he also had not thought about his woes over this last hour, and was thankful for the brief respite.

"No need to thank me." He said after a moment, releasing Dean and stepping back. Dean was rather reluctant to let go but he felt the man pull away and suddenly felt more than just a bit self conscious for being so forward and touchy-feely.

"Night Cas."

"Good night Dean."

Cas waited until Dean was safe behind his front door before taking the short walk back to his own house. He shook his head in disbelief as he reflected on what he had just done. In hindsight it was rather juvenile and stupid and could have ended badly. Or worse, Mr. Winchester could have noticed the car missing and reported it as stolen. He would have been in real trouble then. He was sure the word of a fourteen year old would not count for much in a suspected theft. What on earth had gotten into him?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got round to finishing off the next chapter. I hope you are all ready for some emotions, and also, I'm finally starting to delve into the real delicate aspects of this fic. I still hope I will manage to do this topic justice. Let me know what you think.
> 
> This chapter is unbeta'ed and I tried my best to catch all mistakes, if you come across anything glaringly obvious, please let me know and I will fix it.
> 
> Again, I hope you are ready for some feels (I had a serious amount of them writing parts of this chapter)

Cas had no idea how he'd managed to survive the festive season and come out the other end relatively unscathed but he wasn't going to question it. Amelia, true to her word, accompanied him to the Novak Christmas gathering. Cas rather would have faced open heart surgery than face his family, especially in his current emotional state. But despite his fears they seemed to have pulled it off, no one really suspected that anything was off. It was one of the few times Cas was extremely grateful for their superficial family dynamics. They turned up, smiled at the right moments, agreed to pretty much everything his parents threw at them in terms of doctorate, kids and finally moving out of that dreadful neighborhood, and in the evenings they excused themselves at the earliest opportunity that didn’t make them appear rude.

One good thing had come out of that weekend though. Having been forced to put up a united front actually helped their relationship. Amelia and he had to talk and before long it almost felt like the old days again. Of course they weren't exactly like before, there was no touching or cuddling, but they connected over their shared misery. If anything, Amelia seemed more protective than normal when Castiel's siblings tried laying into him and he was grateful for her support; god knows he didn't deserve it (and when would he ever be grown-up enough to warrant his sibling's respect?) Still, the knowledge of this possibly having been the last time he would spend time with them like that wore heavy on him. After all they were still his family and he wanted to do right by them.

All things considered though, their trip had been a relatively positive experience despite everything that had gone before. But now the New Year was here and with it a completely blank and scary landscape. Amelia told her parents last weekend and they, as expected, were devastated by the news and wanted to know why. Castiel knew that 'wanting different things out of life' was only a feeble explanation, one that wouldn't stand the test of time. He was infinitely grateful that Amelia kindly gave him the time to come to grips with his sexuality and promised not to 'out' him, even if that meant coming up with meager excuses as to their break-up. She even brought along some pamphlets the other night, about a local lgbt support group and pleaded with him to go, as she could see how much pain he still was in, valiantly ignoring her own suffering. She really was too good for him.

His soon to be ex-wife decided that she would move out and share an apartment with one of her friends while they sorted out all the legal stuff. As to the house, Castiel was currently looking into the prospect of whether he would be able to hold on to it, as scary as a big financial commitment like that sounded. He just couldn't envisage leaving. This house, in the relative short time he had spent in it, had become his safe place, his sanctuary. He even liked the slightly whacky and derelict neighborhood. Mainly though, if he was being completely honest, he didn't want to leave Dean and Sammy to their own devices. Breaking the news about their separation would be hard enough, telling them they both would leave, Castiel couldn't stomach. Even Amelia had voiced her concern, thinking about more creative ways of possibly staying in the boys' lives. Still, none of those options seemed viable from where Castiel was standing. He felt responsible for these kids, thought of them almost as family, and on a totally selfish note, he would miss them. He liked having them around. Dean especially had managed to shake up his boring, well organized and safe life. And Cas enjoyed that side of him. And god knows there wasn't too much to enjoy right now.

But telling them the truth (well, the abridged version) was inevitable, and they both wanted to do this whilst Amelia was still in the house, leading to today being the day. Cas had been pacing the house virtually non stop all morning, an insufferable nervousness buzzing inside him, unable to keep still. No angle seemed a good angle to address this. Damn, he was never good at this kind of talking stuff. It was definitely something that hadn't been instilled in him as a child. Smile and pretend nothing was wrong, that was what his family had taught him. Amelia clearly was affected as well, she clattered around the house, sorting through stuff and packing. Cas had to try hard not to choke up, because it reminded him that this was real, well more real than before. It was happening and he had to start his life over, feeling totally unprepared to do so but knowing there was no going back, not unless he wanted to cause more pain and trouble in the long and spend the rest of his life lying to the people he cared about

#

"Come on squirt, time to go." This must be the tenth time he told his dimwit brother to get a move on, but ever since Uncle Bobby got him that stupid Nintendo for Christmas he might as well be talking to the wall. Don't get him wrong, he loved that they actually managed to have a proper Christmas for a change. Bobby and his wife went out of their way to make them feel welcomed. Even their dad tidied up his act and mainly kept to a couple of beers every night (no doubt brought on by Bobby's scary talk the first evening about not putting up with any of John's crap. Dean had a new found appreciation and respect for his adoptive uncle, because not many people managed to get through to their old man). This led to them actually spending some quality time together. Really, it must have been their best Christmas since their mom died. God, he missed her but it felt like for the first time, they all allowed themselves to be happy. Dean only hoped this would last and their dad would not go straight back to hitting the bottle now that they were back home and the grim reality of their lives.

But this portable device was a contraption straight from hell, Dean was absolutely certain. It had transformed Sammy into some kind of walking zombie, and he didn't even want to get started on the noise that thing emitted. Its brainless electronic tune was driving him up the wall. He was tempted more than once to smash or hide that damn device. The older Winchester knew Bobby meant well but what was wrong with some good old fashioned books (and god, Dean never thought he would think that, it seemed Cas really had rubbed off on him). And thinking of Cas, they were going to be late. He hadn't seen him in almost three weeks and was desperate to meet up with his friend. Dean had planned on going over there this afternoon anyway, but then had received a rather official sounding text from the man this morning, inviting Sammy and him around for some cake and a chat. And Dean would be lying if he said he wasn't anxious. Those kinds of official gatherings never spelled anything good. Just that he couldn't for the life of it think of anything that would warrant cause for concern. Best to get if over with.

"Sammy, come on, they're waiting and there will be cake." Bribery wasn't below him to get his brother moving.

"Just letme finish the level."

"Sammy, I swear, if you don't turn this thing off, I'll-"

"Dad tells us not to swear."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Don't be a smartass and come on."

Finally, ten minutes (and a small tantrum as Sammy lost the level) later they were knocking on the Novaks' door. Amelia opened it almost immediately, wasting no time to pull them each into a warm embrace before steering them into the living room. Cas was already there, sitting on the small chair in the corner.

"Hey Cas," Dean couldn't help the big grin that spread across his face. God he had missed him and his stupid blue eyes and his messy dark hair and just, he'd missed him. Damn, he had to get a grip.

"Hello Dean." Cas voice sounded strained and Dean stopped in his tracks. He was about to go over and give his friend a hug, it had been too long but something told him it might not be such a good idea right now.

"Hey," Sammy greeted the room at large, already eyeing the cake that sat on the table hungrily.

"Ok, I guess cake first." Amelia chortled, smiling at the younger brother, putting cake on plates and handing them out. The boys happily accepted and got stuck in. Dean's eyes kept flickering over to Cas, who started to look increasingly constipated the longer they all sat there. This in turn made Dean's stomach churn anxiously. Suddenly eating cake didn't seem like such a good idea. "So, what's this all about then?" He quipped, trying to sound more relaxed than he felt but just wanting to get this over with so he could hang out with Cas or something.

But Amelia and Cas' reaction, their silent conversation with their eyes, didn't do much to calm his nerves. On the contrary! The older Winchester looked over at his brother, who seemed oblivious to the mounting tension in the room.

"Well-" Amelia started, looking at Cas for support.

"Come on, it can't be that bad. Oh, I know- you're pregnant." Dean chanced a guess. Yeah, that would make sense. They were getting to that age.

"No," Cas and Amelia both said, shaking their heads and looking even more tense than before.

"Come on, I'm starting to freak out here." Dean instinctively moved closer to his brother on the sofa.

"We're- erm," Cas started, god there was no easy way of saying this. Why did this feel like breaking bad news to their own kids, he wondered.

"We wanted you to know that we are going to separate." Amelia finally found the nerve to say.

"What?" Sammy muttered around a mouthful of cake. Dean stared at them in shock. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room, he was sure you could hear a pin drop it had gone so quiet.

Dean shook his head. "Why are you splitting up?" He asked dismayed. This was not happening. Those two were like the perfect couple from what Dean could tell.

"Did one of you cheat?" It seemed like the obvious reason for people to break up and the only thing he could think of. He pierced Cas with his gaze, like he would be able to read the guy's mind if he only tried hard enough. Cas shuffled uncomfortable in his seat at Dean's words and stared at the floor, something that didn't go unnoticed by the boy.

"Cas, really?" His voice went up an octave in sheer shock. Cas didn't seem the type to do _that_. "How could you?"

"No, it wasn't like that just,-" Cas protested and Dean was really getting mixed signals here now as Amelia put her hand on the man's knee in silent support. "I recently found out some things about myself, and-"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dean snapped, not letting Cas finish.

"Dean," Amelia tried to intercede, Sammy just stared at his brother, gob smacked at his outburst.

"Stop making no sense; why not spell it out Cas? If neither of you cheated what have you _found_ out?" He huffed amused, "You gone gay or some shit?" It was only a stab in the dark, more a joke to ease the tension, but his face fell at the way Cas' own face froze in shock. And if would have been any doubt left, Amelia's own fidgeting and shocked glare was all the confirmation he needed.

"You got to be fucking kidding me. This is-" Dean felt himself go cold, dread creeping up his spine. Cas was into guys? What the hell? This didn't make any sense. Why did he marry Amelia then? Why were they splitting up now and what was the bit about cheating? Dean felt his temper rising. He glared at Cas in disbelief, looking at him, like he saw him for the first time. Castiel Novak was- liked men! Dean's stomach clenched. Could he actually have a shot with him? And why the fuck was he thinking about this now of all things? Shit, it was all so much easier when Cas was just Cas, married to Amelia, and straight. Dean found it hard to breathe. His chest felt all too tight all of a sudden, his world abruptly knocked off its axis. He really needed to get out of here. Sammy forgotten, he jumped to his feet.

"This is bullshit." He yelled, glaring at Cas before running out of the room and out of the house.

Dean fiddled with the door keys. It took him three attempt to open the front door. He raced up to his room and flung himself on the bed, pummeling the pillow. Dean tried to convince himself that really he was just mad because they would be taking all this away from Sammy now. He knew how much his brother thought of that place as a second home, hell at times probably even more like his first home. How he adored Amelia and being pampered by her. How he loved sharing his success stories with them. He didn't want to see his baby brother's heart being broken. But even in that Dean knew that he was lying to himself. He was a selfish bastard, and while his brother should be his main concern, he couldn't help quell the panic that had gripped him. He didn't want to lose Cas. What was he supposed to do? Why had Cas not told him? Cas was a selfish asshole that was why. Dean hit the pillow again in frustration. It was easier blaming Cas than facing the hole the man would leave behind. Of course the one good thing that happened to them in the last couple of years was not meant to last. Somehow life would always screw them over, take away anything good in their lives, their mother, their father by proxy and now he would lose Cas too.

He heard the front door bang, followed by angry footsteps.

"What the hell is your problem?" Dean cringed at the voice of his little brother as he stormed into the room. He sounded furious.

"Leave m'lone," he mumbled in his pillow.

"No, what is wrong with you? You should have seen Cas, he was actually crying when you stormed out like that. You ass."

Dean's head shot up at that bit of information. "What?"

Sammy couldn't' help but notice the red rimmed eyes of his brother. "What's the matter with you? Is it the gay thing? I never had you down as a homophobe."

Dean glared wide eyed at his brother. That were some big words coming out of that little kids' mouth. Then again, Sammy had always been smart and wordy for his age.

His brother must have taken his silent glare as confirmation as he laid into him some more. "Dean, that is absolute crap-"

"Sammy, words." Dean couldn't help it; he was still the big brother. Only then did he notice that Sammy's eyes were shinning, he was about to cry and Dean's heart broke.

"I'm sorry Sammy. I didn't mean to, I just-"

His brother threw himself at him, burying his head in Dean's chest.

"It's not fair." he sobbed. "I don't want them to split up and leave us."

"I know, I know," Dean shushed him, carding his fingers through the boy's by now way too long hair. He had to find money for a haircut somehow or, even better get his hands on some clippers.

They stayed like that for a long time. Dean by now, felt very foolish for having stormed out like that, and even guiltier for the way he had left his brother behind. Nothing warranted him forgetting about Sammy. He had to come first. Still his thoughts kept drifting back to Cas. Had he really been that upset by Dean's reaction? Why did he allow to let his temper run away with him like that?

"You know," Sammy sniffled eventually. "You should probably go over there and apologize."

Dean huffed. He wanted to so badly but he was embarrassed, what would he even say?" He truly messed up this time.

"They're not trying to hurt us on purpose, life just sucks."

"I know," he marveled at his brother. "Why are you always the wise one out of the two of us?"

"I'm awesome," Sammy chuckled through the tears.

"Hey, that's my line," Dean ruffled his hair, starting to feel a bit better. As long as they had each other, they'd be able to weather anything this stupid life would throw at them.

#

It took Dean until it was way past dark to work up the courage to go back. He still had no idea what he was going to say but as time went on his anger and frustration had turned into concern and feeling plain crappy for having given Cas the idea that he might be not ok with him being into guys. Sammy told him again how devastated Cas had been, and that Amelia and he both promised that they would stay in their lives, which made Dean feel even more like crap. Because really, they would not have to spare them any thought while they sorted out their own shit. They just happened to have had the bad luck of buying the house opposite them and get drawn into their wretched world. So if two years with Cas was all he got out of this, he would remember that time with fondness. After all, he always assumed it would be just him and Sammy against the world in the end.

Leaving his brother with some dinner and his new favorite toy, he took the short walk across the street and knocked on the door (Cas had gotten as far as buying a bell a few months back but never actually installed it, Dean remembered fondly). There was no answer and if it hadn't been for the small shimmer of light that he could make out through the glass, and Cas' car out front, he would have thought no one was home. He knocked again, and when there was still no reply he got antsy. What if Cas didn’t want to see him? He really didn't want to leave this for another day. Didn't want to lose that shred of courage he had worked up.

He made his way through the small side gate into the garden, and checked the windows and the backdoor, which, to his surprise, was unlocked. Dean knew that technically he was breaking and entering but he couldn't care less right now. Plus he needed to tell them off for leaving their backdoor unlocked. Just last week the house two doors down was cleared out, they really should know better in a neighborhood like this.

He locked the door behind him, standing in the dark kitchen and hearing music coming from somewhere upstairs.

"Cas, Amelia?," he called as he headed up the stairs, making his presence known. There was no reply but the music was getting louder and coming out of the study. The door was ajar and Dean peaked inside, eyes falling on the figure of Cas, sitting on the floor, eyes closed, as the music, something classic, was coming to a crescendo. No wonder Cas didn't hear him.

He knocked on the frame. "Cas?"

"Dean?" Cas opened his eyes, locking his gaze with Dean's. "How did you get in here?"

Dean chuckled. "Free advice, don't leave your backdoor unlocked."

"Duly noted," Cas nodded but otherwise remained quiet, his eyes shying away from Dean, like he was embarrassed. Dean shuffled in the doorway for what felt like forever, trying to find something to say.

"Amelia round?" he asked nervously, he wanted to get this apology over with, ideally only having to do this once. He wasn't one for easily admitting when he was wrong.

"She left about an hour ago." Cas simply stated, still not looking at Dean. But his voice sounded so pained and raw that Dean all but rushed to his side, sitting down beside him.

"Cas, I'm so sorry," suddenly those words came easy. He really had been a jerk today. Of course, this could not be easy for Cas, or for Amelia, and he didn't even know the whole story yet. But did it even matter what the story was? His friend was hurting and all he had been thinking about was his own selfish needs.

Cas met his eyes then, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Thank you." Cas couldn't help but feel relieved. He had been devastated earlier when Dean just upped and left. It had been one of his worst case scenarios, Dean being so disgusted with him, with what he was, that he didn't want anything to do with him anymore, just like his family no doubt would do once they found out. So Dean coming back, being with him here now meant the world to him. He felt like he wasn't completely alone. As much as he hoped Amelia and he could salvage some form of friendship, she had left for good for now, only some boxes in their former shared bedroom remaining.

They sat in silence for a long while, side by side, legs touching as they listened to the music. Dean had never been much of a fan of classical music but this here now, was nice.

"What is this?"

"Nabucco by Verdi."

Dean nodded like that actually meant something to him. "And what is this current – _song_?" he asked for lack of a better word.

That made Cas chuckle and Dean decided he didn't mind sounding like a fool if that meant cheering the man up.

"It is called 'Va pensiero', 'the Hebrew slave chorus."

Dean chanced a look at Cas. That sounded kind of heavy, and Cas looked so small, so exhausted. He had no idea what they were singing about but it sounded sad, maybe expressing perfectly how Cas felt? Instinctively he scooted closer to the man, resting his head on his shoulder in silent comfort, craving the closeness.

"So, you are not- disgusted by me?" Cas asked quietly after a moment. He didn't quite know where that had come but a life time of conditioning was hard to overcome apparently, and he still sometimes couldn't believe how readily Amelia had accepted that part of him. The prospect that Dean would extend him the same courtesy felt like too good to be true.

"What?" Dean lifted his head off Cas' shoulder looking at him in confusion before he connected the dots. "Because you're gay? No, of course not. It's just, well you are married and- did she know?" Curiosity got the better of him.

"No, to be honest I hardly knew, or well- admitted it until recently and-"

"But you're sure? I mean how do you know?" Dean knew he was prying but as he himself was plagued by continuous questions regarding his attraction to Cas he was curious as to the answer.

Cas swallowed nervously. Talking about this hadn't gotten any easier over these last weeks. Half the time he still couldn't even admit to himself that he was definitely gay. But Dean looked at him with an openness and inquisitiveness he couldn't refuse.

"Yes, I am sure. As much as I wish I wasn't. I-" he felt himself choke up.

"Man, it's ok, if you don't want to talk about it now." Dean squeezed Cas' arm in support.

"No, I will have to learn to face this, face myself. Well, you have met my family, they made it pretty clear that kind of thing was not acceptable so when I realized, I just chose to ignore it. Thought I went the way of least resistance, and look where it got me. And the pain I caused everyone around me. Dean, I'm so sorry I-"

"Hey, you don't need to apologize to me." He nudged Cas' shoulder. If only Cas knew how well he understood him. He had no idea whether his dad would outright disown him or 'just' beat him up should he ever admit to liking guys but he was convinced he would not be very happy about it at the very least, and if Dean could avoid ever telling him he would gladly do so. The slurs John used on a regular basis to describe people like Cas were too vivid in his memory and to Dean's great shame he had to admit that he even used some of them before- you know.

But right now, as he was staring into Cas' blue eyes, he wondered whether he should, would be brave enough, to tell him. Tell him he was not alone in this. That he was struggling with the same issues. Maybe even what made him realize this. It was just his lips didn't want to cooperate. The traitorous thoughts of maybe, against hope, having a shot with Cas were back in full force (not that his teenagey lust addled brain would have spared much thought to such things as legality of such actions). Being so close to the older man was short-circuiting his brain. The more he stared at Cas, the more his pulse sped up. He felt that inevitable pull, the one he had so many times before, and leaned in a bit closer, keeping his eyes locked with the man's blue ones. He waited for some form of indication that Cas was not ok with this. When none came, Dean was sure he was going to kiss him. Let action speak louder than words, to hell with any consequences.

Cas had no idea why, but he was mesmerized by Dean's eyes and the way he was looking at him, more than he usually was. There was just something different in the way the teenager studied him, and he had a hard time deciphering it. Despite that, he had to admit he loved having the boy here; his presence was like a comforting balm to his wounds. It was nice to know that there were two people out there in the world who didn't think him weird, beyond salvation, despite him having messed up so badly.

Cas had to eventually will his eyes away, feeling himself blush under the scrutiny of Dean's gaze. He was painfully aware of just how close the teenager was by now, but he refused to dwell on that. It wasn't the first time they were way within each other's personal space. Contrary to first impressions, Dean seemed to be one of those people who craved physical contact. Cas rested his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, letting the music and Dean's presence soothe him.

Dean was still staring at Cas, he just couldn't help it. Even with his rather limited experience, he was sure they had a moment there just now before Cas looked away. He couldn't really focus on anything other than the man next to him, his heart beating out it s own frantic rhythm. Dean felt simultaneously hot and cold as he felt the inevitable gravitational pull towards the man again. He licked his lips nervously as he studied that beautiful face, the one he knew so well by now. Dean's eyes inevitably came to rest on Cas' slightly parted lips. He looked so peaceful there listening to the music, and Dean made up his mind.

Cas must have seen the intent in his eyes. Dean was certain it must have been pretty obvious. He must have noticed how he'd brought his face closer until his nose was almost rested against Cas' stubbled cheek, breath ghosting against the man's skin. Most importantly, he hadn't moved away, hadn't told Dean to stop or to leave. Dean's tongue flicked over his bottom lip again, wanting so bad to just close the last bit of distance that separated them. He was desperate to know what those plump lips tasted and felt like. With the newfound knowledge that Cas wasn't averse to male attention, combined with juvenile exuberance he did just that a heartbeat later. Dean's lips gently connected with Cas'. It was more a simple brush than an actual kiss but Dean couldn't hold back a moan as pulled back, studying Cas' face for a reaction with wide, uncertain but hopeful eyes.

Almost immediately man's eyes flew open, staring at Dean, his Adam's apple bobbing frantically as he swallowed in quick succession. Dean held his gaze, anxiously worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, waiting. For what he wasn't even sure himself. Just for some kind of response. When there was no further reaction from his friend, other than the piercing gaze, Dean took all the courage he still had left and leaned in again, pressing his lips more firmly against Cas', keeping his eyes on the man, going cross-eyed in the process. The blue eyes, that a second ago were meeting his own were now closed again and Dean's stomach fluttered with excitement when he heard an almost inaudible whimper escape Castiel as his lips responded, moving gently against his own. The teenager let his eyes flutter close and brought up a hand, stroking at the man's stubbled' jaw, relaxing into the kiss, when suddenly, nothing-

Dean's opened in eyes, Cas was still there, leaning back against the couch, chest heaving, hands curled into fists at his side. But he had his eyes closed, not warranting Dean with any attention. Dean's heart clenched uneasily, he was sure Cas had kissed him back just then. For a moment it had been perfect. Now he didn't know what to do, whether to persist or wait. What were the rules in these circumstances?

Cas refused to open his eyes. His heart was hammering so hard he thought it might jump out of his chest. He could only hope that this was more from panic than from actual stimulation because of what had just happened. He had thought about a lot of things with regards to Dean _but_ he had not seen this coming. Should he have seen this coming? Was there something he had missed along the way or was he already infecting and confusing Dean with his own twisted desires with regards to men? He should have never said anything.

Cas didn't know what to do or what to say. His body was wound tight, stomach churning and mind trying to catch up to what had just happened, while he could feel the nails of his fingers digging into the palm of his hands. Dean had kissed him, twice! And rather than putting a stop to it straight away he had allowed the second kiss and just for a second, before realization kicked in about who, and more importantly how old the person currently kissing him was, Castiel had allowed himself to kiss back. It was so damn easy to forget how old Dean was sometimes, the way he acted and talked way beyond his physical years. But Dean clearly must have confused friendship with attraction, their closeness with something more.

Cas knew he was a home wrecker and wasn't quite at ease yet with his sexual identity. One thing he definitely didn't need to add to his list of regrets was being a predator. He was not that kind of person. Of course he shared a deep emotional bond with the boy next to him; he had known that for a while, possibly it was even some kind of love, as for a friend. Maybe, if Cas was being totally honest, he even felt more for Dean that would be strictly acceptable. But still, it wasn't like _that_.

Perhaps if he just kept his eyes closed he could pretend this didn't just happen, but even like this he could feel Dean's questioning glance on him. And a wave of horror washed over him, making him come out in a cold sweat. Oh my god. _Dean_ had just kissed him! The second time realization hit, he freaked. Cas basically leapt to his feet and tugged his hand out of Dean's grasp (and when the hell had that happened?).

"I think I will have a drink. Would you care for one too?" And with that Castiel was out the door, heading downstairs to the kitchen. Not talking about this seemed like the most viable, like the _only_ option. Because if he didn't acknowledge it, it didn't happen, right? There was literally nothing to talk about.

Yet, his hands were trembling as he filled the kettle, pulled out the coffee beans and the grinder. He did so methodically, like he had done so many times before, trying to let the action ground him. It helped him to focus. Beans, grinder, boil water, put ground coffee in cafetiere, pour water on top. His hands were still shaky and he spilled some of the hot water over his left hand.

"Fuck!" The uncharacteristic curse word escaped him as he headed for the sink and poured cold water over his hand. He was too distracted to notice that Dean had entered the kitchen, and on seeing Cas' hand walked straight up to him taking the hand in his own to look at it. He flinched at the contact and didn't look at Dean. It was just scalded so the boy put Cas' hand back under the cold stream but not letting go of it.

"Cas" his voice wavered. He had sat in that damn study for almost 5 minutes, before he found the courage to follow the man down the stairs. He was at a loss and was fighting not to freak out about the possibility that he might have just ruined whatever they had between them.

Cas met him with silence, not even looking at him and Dean choked back a nervous groan. He needed Cas to talk to him. Tell him they were ok still, that he hadn't screwed them and their friendship up. Cas just stared at their joined hands.

"Cas, talk to me please." Dean begged, clutching to his hand.

Cas shook his head. "There's nothing to talk about."

"I kissed you, and you- kissed back!" Dean reminded him, feeling rage starting to build. How could Cas just ignore that? It had been amazing. Not something you just forgot. He just wanted some damn answers.

"I said, there is nothing to talk about," Cas snapped, pulling his hand away, not paying the sting of the burn any attention.

"Yes there is! Don't treat me like a stupid child," Dean yelled, pulling Cas by the shoulders, so he had to look at him, surprised how easily the man let himself be moved.

"But Dean- that is _exactly_ what you are." Cas said with a strained voice, saddened eyes finally meeting Dean's furious ones.

"I'm no fucking child! I haven't been a child in a long time. I basically take care of my brother all by myself. I make sure food's on the table. I clear up after my dad's messes." Dean stopped shocked. He had shared way more than he ever intended to about his messed up family life. Cas stared at him wide eyed.

"I can take care of myself and I can make my own decisions. And I know I wanted to kiss you! Don't you dare call me a child."

Cas flinched at the harshness in Dean's voice but he also saw the hurt in the boys' eyes and he had a feeling it wasn't just from Cas' carelessly chosen words.

"I'm sorry," he rasped. He had never heard Dean talk about his life like that. He knew it was tough but he was basically running his family. That was hard for any teenager and someone not as strong as Dean might have broken under the pressure already. Cas closed in on Dean, wanting to pull him in for a comforting hug like they had so many times before, not really thinking about what signals that might send to the boy, but Dean pushed him away.

"Don’t, just don't! I don't need your pity. I thought we were friends; that you understood me, but clearly I was wrong." Dean yelled before he turned and stormed out. Cas cringed when he heard the front door bang shut. What on earth had just happened here? When did it all start to go so horribly wrong?

#

Dean stormed back over to his house and marched straight up to his room, ignoring Sammy's 'how did it go' thrown at him from the living room. His life fucking sucked. He had no idea who or what he was mad at the most. Him being so stupid and to kiss Cas. Cas pushing him away and calling him a child or just feeling so alone and rejected. He didn't want to cry, he tried to hold it together but the feelings just kept on coming. He had never felt so small in his life. He'd thought Cas was his friend, thought he was the one person who really got him. He always treated him like an equal not some stupid _child_. But now, Dean just didn't know anymore. Of course he felt rejected but there was more, he felt like he just ruined everything, not just for him but for Sammy too. And worst of all he felt like some stupid spoilt brat who threw a tantrum because he didn't get what he wanted. Just like the kid he had so hard protested he wasn't anymore.

He buried his head in his pillow and allowed the tears to come. He just hoped he would be all cried out by the time Sammy would come upstairs. There weren't enough words in the world trying to explain this mess to his brother.

His phone vibrating in his pocket was what eventually drew him out of crying fit. He used his sleeve to furiously wipe at his eyes before fishing it out. It was Cas. Dean's hand trembled.

**\- Apologies for calling you a child. I know you are more mature than your age would have you, but compared to me you are in fact a child, a minor, with** **ALL** **that entails. Also I do consider you my friend and hope despite, you know, our misunderstanding we can remain friends -**

Dean gulped. Part relieved that he didn't mess things up completely with Cas and part furious because _misunderstanding_? What was there to misunderstand? He liked Cas and was sure Cas liked him back as fucking girlish as that sounded. Ok, with hindsight the timing for such as confession had been totally off but that didn't change the facts. Cas had kissed him back!

Dean flung the phone across the room. Misunderstanding! Was that Cas' way of letting him down gently? Dean knew rejection when it stared him in the face and it stung like hell. Still, Cas wanted to remain friends and maybe that was the best he could hope for. Of course that was all he could ever hope for! He had been stupid to believe anything else. Cas would find some amazing guy, get gay married and live happily ever after, while Dean would stay stuck here forever, working some deadbeat job, making sure his brother was ok and if he was lucky find someone who'd have him despite really being good for nothing.

God, he really was all over the place. He hated not feeling in control. He needed to change that. Focus on other things. Like the awesome, very pretty and hot girlfriend he had (who he shamefully had neglected over the holidays), and the fact that he still needed to get Phil back for messing with Sammy. _And_ making sure the electricity got paid and the fridge was stocked. And be the best son possible so their dad would not feel the need to hit the bottle again. Yeah, he had his work carved out, there would be no time pining over a dark haired, blue eyed nutty professor. He would text him back tomorrow; right now he wouldn't even know what to say. He just wanted to sleep and forget today ever happened.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow an update already, I guess all the kudos and lovely comments really have inspired me :) 
> 
> Now I'm afraid there will be more drama in store in this chapter, as well as feels, especially for poor Dean but I promise there will be some respite for them soon.
> 
> Again, this chapter is unbeta'ed and I tried my best but something always slips through.

It was cold. Even for mid February this was way below average. Dean had already passed his scarf to his shivering brother and pulled his beanie down as far as it would go, as they made their way home through the icy air. School had let out early because of a blizzard warning and Dean had just about made it to Sammy's school before the snow started falling for real. Dean's teeth were chattering and all he wanted was a long hot shower to defrost. Their clothes were definitely not made for these subzero temperatures. He pulled Sammy along to get home faster, before he would lose feeling in his toes, despite having put on two pairs of socks this morning.

The light was on in the house, which meant their dad must be home. Dean actually lost track of their father's shift schedule, as he had hardly seen him these last few weeks. He just prayed that didn't mean their old man was back on the bottle, but he wouldn't be surprised if he was. Erratic behavior was generally always a telltale sign and just because good things generally never lasted long.

"Hey dad, we're home," he announced their presence as he closed the front door, glad their both finally inside and safe from the elements. There was some commotion in the kitchen. It had been a while since dad prepared food for them. That would make a nice change. Dean grinned as that meant more time in the shower for him.

"Hey, what's cook- who the hell are you?" he stood frozen at the door, staring at the strange woman in their kitchen, clad in the kind of clothes that really weren't appropriate for this time of year.

"Oh, hey, sweetie," the woman looked surprised for a second before her lips twisted into saccharine smile. "Oh right, blizzard warning, school must have let out early today."

Dean just stood still, shell shocked. Who was this and what was she doing in their house, talking to him like they were old pals?

"I'm not your sweetie, who are you," he asked again crossing his arms defensively. Sammy had appeared next to him, gaping wide eyed into the kitchen.

"Who's that Dean?" he asked looking at his brother, like he had all the answers he needed.

The woman let out a nervous chuckle. "I'm Audrey, I'm your- erm, I'm a friend of your dad's."

Dean glared at her. It wasn't too hard to connect the dots. "Right, _friend_. Why did dad never mention you then?" And why did he bring this _person_ into their family home?

He saw her face fall for a second before that fake smile was back. " _Oh_ , I'm sure he must have just been waiting for the right moment."

Right moment for what? Dean wondered. "Again, what the hell are you doing in my kitchen?"

"I'm just fixing up some food. Your father was hungry and, well, he didn't expect you back until later, but I'm sure there will be enough for everyone. It should be ready in about twenty minutes and-"

"Get out!" Dean's face turned red in anger. How dared this woman be in their kitchen, acting like she was part of their family and what, play mom? She was nothing like their mother, her hair was all wrong, the perfume to sweet and heavy, the lipstick was the wrong color and, most of all, they didn't need her here.

"Dean!" John's stern voice from behind him made him jump and turn around. His father was clad in just sweatpants, hair disheveled, confirming Dean's earlier thoughts, and staring at his son. "Where are your manners? That's no way to talk to a lady."

"Dad, what is she doing in our house?" Dean clenched his fists.

John pushed past his sons and walked over, throwing an arm protectively around this woman. "This is Audrey, and she and I are seeing each other. And I would appreciate if you would show her some respect."

"How long?" Dean hissed through gritted teeth, glaring at the pair of them. This was not happening.

"Dean, this is not the right time. Now apologize to Audrey for your behavior."

Dean gulped, trying to swallow down his anger, but to no avail. "And then what? Play happy house? How can you do this, do this to mom? You can't just replace her with this- this," he shouted.

"Dean," John' voice was harsh and full of unspoken warning. "Your mother has been dead for almost five years now and I think- well it's time for us to start moving on."

"Move on? Move on? And just forget about mom while your little fling makes herself comfortable in our house?"

"Dean, I am warning you." John took a step towards his eldest son.

"John, maybe I should leave and let you talk to your children." Audrey shifted uncomfortably.

"No, you stay. Dean, if you don't apologize this very second you will be in a shed load of trouble." John waved a finger threateningly at Dean's face and Dean snapped.

"Get her out of the house. This is our house. She has no right to be here." Dean yelled, shaking in anger. His jaw clenched tight. How could dad do this? How could he replace their mom so easily and just bring this woman here and expect them to be ok with it, without as much as a word of warning? No one would ever be able to replace their mom.

"DEAN!" his dad growled, grabbing him by the shoulders.

"Don't touch me! You disgust me! How can you do this to mom, to us?" Dean pushed John away, with more force than should be possible for a boy his age, working himself into a frenzy. Sammy gawked at his brother in shock. He had never seen him talk to their dad like that or get physical towards him. "Dean stop," he begged, worried about what might happen next. The atmosphere was charged and it wouldn’t take much for it to explode.

"Dean, I won't put up with this behavior, go to your room immediately and don't bother coming down again today."

"No, not until you get her out. I want her out!" Dean stared their father down with a cold glare. There was no way this person would stay in their house, while he was relegated to his room.

Sammy flinched but bravely stood beside his brother in the kitchen.

The commotion could probably be heard in the whole neighborhood he thought, as Dean kept screaming at their dad, hurling abuse at him for tainting the memory of their mother and how he apparently didn't give a fuck about her.

"Stop, just stop please," Sammy finally cracked, shaking and putting his hands over his ears, not knowing what else to do but no one was paying attention to him.

"Get out," John finally roared.

"Fine, I'm not staying here with _her_. Sammy come on," Dean ordered, not taking his eyes of their dad.

"No, _you_ get out. Sammy will stay here and have lunch with us."

"No," Dean refused to budge.

Sammy could see their father shake with anger, trying to reign in his temper. He had his run-ins with their dad, not caring about the consequences, but even he could tell now was not the time to push back. But Dean seemed to be too out of it to notice. "Dean, it's fine, go, just go. I'll be alright." He just wanted his brother as far away from their father as possible.

"Sam, go to your room," John commanded and without his usual protests he complied. Dean sighed, half panicked half relieved. At least Sammy was out of harm's way for now; he would come for him later. He brought his attention back to their father.

"I don’t believe this. You rather throw out your own son than this floozy."

The flat of John's hand connected with Dean's cheek, effectively shutting him up. He rubbed his cheek and stared at his dad in disbelief. "I said get out," John howled as he grabbed Dean by the jacket and manhandled him out the front door. "When you get your manners back you can come home and apologize. I thought I brought you up better than this."

Dean was shaking, he was crying, kicking the front door for good measure. He didn't know where to put all the fury that was eating him alive. How dare their father soil the memory of their mother like that? That woman was nothing like her, how could he possibly think otherwise, how could he do _that_ with her?

He picked up a big rock and in his anger hurled it at the Impala, flinching at the sound of the windscreen breaking.

"Oh shit." he gawked at the car. He knew he was in deep shit now. This car meant the world to their father. He had an inkling that he should probably run but he remained glued to the spot.

"What the hell." John stormed back out, taking in the car and the smashed windscreen. "Dean Winchester," John grabbed him by the collar and pressed him into the car, trapping him with his stronger, bigger body. "What did you just do?"

"Go on, do it!" Dean challenged with venom in his voice. Maybe if his dad would hit him, he would finally stop feeling anything, finally would be able to stop making excuses for their pathetic little lives.

"Get off of him," Dean froze at the familiar gravely voice.

"Mind your own fucking business," John turned his head and snarled at Castiel, who had grabbed hold of him arm, stopping him from throwing that blow. Dean stared in disbelief. Cas was taller than their father but their old man was stronger, broader and he feared for his friend.

Like half the neighborhood, Castiel had heard the commotion all the way up in his study and when he peeked out of the window, he all but dropped the book he had been holding, and raced over, shoes forgotten, clothed in only his sweatpants, jumper and socks.

"Dean _is_ my business, and if you do not let go I will call the police."

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" John let go off Dean and instead grabbed Castiel by the arm.

"Dad, don't you dare!" Dean immediately shot forward.

"Are you the one giving my son stupid ideas about back chatting and disrespecting his father?"

Castiel was afraid, John Winchester was on imposing figure when he wanted to be, but he didn’t' show it as he fixed his fierce blue eyes on the man.

"Respect is something that needs to be earned." He stated mater of factly.

John looked murderous, Dean swallowed down the bile that was rising in his throat. "Dad, I'll call the cops myself if you don't let go off Cas."

John took a deep breath before letting go. "Fine, but you will pay for the replacement of that windscreen, so god help me, and don't bother coming back until you sort out your attitude." He headed back into the house without another word, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Dean, come on," Cas tugged at Dean's jacket sleeve. The boy was trembling and looked like he was about to be sick. He led him over to his house, where he maneuvered Dean straight to the couch, kneeling down in front of him. He took the boy's hands in his own, trying to get the teenagers attention while examining his face.

"Did he hit you?"

"No," Dean stated sounding detached. It appeared like the slap to his face had not been hard enough to bruise. But anyway, he didn't count the slap as hitting; he had deserved that for insulting that woman, no matter how much he wanted her out of the house, it was not really her fault.

"Dean, look at me. I need you to be honest. Has your father ever hit you?"

Dean met Cas' eyes reluctantly. "No Cas." He wanted to add that his dad generally didn't care enough to warrant such actions but he swallowed the comment down.

Castiel studied the boy's face for any signs of dishonesty but he could find none. "If he ever does, promise me you will tell me." He looked at Dean beseechingly. Dean nodded his head before looking away. He didn't know what else to say. He wanted to race back there and grab Sammy, and leave and never come back. No, that wasn’t quite true. He wanted to come back, just not to the way things were now. He wanted to go back to when they were a proper family, when his mom would make his dad smile as they sat together at the dinner table. Mom would have liked Cas, he was sure of that. His thoughts drifted to his friend. God, he had no idea what he would have done if his father had attacked Cas.

"Dean, what just happened back there?"

"He just-" Dean could feel himself shuddering and wrapped his arms around his body. "This woman- how could he do this to mom?"

The boy didn't make much sense but Cas realized now was probably not a good time to get answers. Dean looked like a spooked animal. And he was shaking like a leaf.

"Are you cold?"

"What?"

"You are shaking."

So he was. Dean tried to get his body under control, but it was to no avail.

"I'm getting you a blanket." Cas said heading out to grab one from his bedroom.

Dean undid his shoelaces with trembling hands, before shrugging out of his jacket, he was still wearing He cursed under his breath. His whole body was aching from the tension in his muscles. He hated how small and vulnerable he felt, so completely helpless to do anything to change this situation, this life he and Sammy found themselves in. He wanted get Sammy out of this or to change their dad back into the person he once was. The dad he knew would never have started anything with a woman like that. With a sigh he curled up on himself on the couch.

Castiel was back a moment later, gently pulling a blanket over Dean and tugging it in around his feet.

"Your socks are still wet; you probably must feel colder than I do." Dean couldn't help but notice.

"Oh." Cas had actually forgotten about that but now that Dean mentioned it, he felt the warm damp stickiness of wet cotton against his feet. And his jumper had also soaked up a fair amount of snow. "Well. I better get changed then."

Dean snuggled up under the blanket, trying to get warm while he waited for Cas. He returned wearing a new jumper and some ugly bright green socks, sitting himself down at the end of the couch, cautious not to sit too close. He was just about to offer Dean a hot drink, because he really looked like he could do with one, when he heard his phone go off.

He lamented for a few seconds whether to answer or ignore it but old habits died hard.

He picked it up from the table and saw it was Dean's number flashing on the screen.

"Who is that?" he asked, pressing 'answer'.

"Hi Cas, it's Sam."

"Sam!" Cas repeated looking over at Dean who was bold upright in a second, waving his arms, indicating for Cas to hand over the phone.

"Hey Sammy, you're ok?"

"Yeah, hiding out in our room. I found your phone, obviously- Hope you're not mad I went through it. But I thought you would be at Cas', and I just wanted to let you know I'm ok, so no need to come charging back in here. Let dad calm down first."

"You sure you don't need me to come and get you?"

"No," his brother insisted. "No need to get into any more trouble now. I can look after myself for a bit."

"Sure, you can." Dean actually managed a small smirk. "But you have the phone, anything happens you call right away, ok."

"Ok, I will. Just promise me you'll calm down. I was, god I hate it when people fight."

Dean instantly felt guilty. He had blown it again. Despite wanting to protect Sammy and his little family, he had managed to upset him.

"Ok, I promise. You hang in there squirt."

"Will do. I better hang up and go eat."

"Ok, see you soon."

Dean sighed. He handed the phone back to Cas, hands shaking and huddling back under the blanket. He wanted to be back there with Sammy so badly but his kid brother, as usual, was right. His dad was most likely still furious about that windscreen, probably more than the actual defiance, and Dean himself couldn't believe he had actually done that. Hurt his baby like that.

Cas put the phone away and picked up on his earlier thought. "Do you, you want a hot drink?"

"No I'm fine, thanks."

Cas nodded his head despite knowing full well that Dean was not fine.

Silence stretched between them, and the longer it lasted the more Dean had to fight to not start crying. He felt cold and miserable and so alone, like that whole event had torn open an old wound, reminded him just what he had lost and would never get back. He glanced over at Cas, the one person despite Sammy, who for whatever reason seemed to give a damn about him. The man telling their dad that Dean was his business suddenly became a small but bright beacon in the darkness that engulfed him, and Dean didn't like the physical distance between them at all. Cas was too far away and he needed him closer.

"Cas, I could really do with a hug here," he rasped, holding back a sob. He didn't even care that he sounded needy. Cas just stared at him from his spot on the couch, hesitation written all over his face.

"I hate this." Dean groaned, clenching the blanket in frustration.

"What?" Castiel asked quietly, although he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

"You act like you're my friend but you can't even get yourself to hug me." Dean loathed the way they had interacted since that kiss, hated the way Cas tiptoed around him these days. Yes, they had maintained their friendship and generally pretended nothing ever happened. Sammy and he still came over here to hang out, and even Amelia popped in once to spent time with them. But there had been no physical contact, no carefree hugs or even pats on the shoulder like there used to be. Any time Dean as much as got within a foot of Cas, the man recoiled, trying to act inconspicuous and smiling it off. But Dean did notice and it felt like getting rejected over and over again every single time. He reluctantly accepted their new status quo, for lack ideas of how to fix it and the knowledge that Cas had his own problems to solve. But right now he needed his friend, needed something, before he would go out of him mind.

"Dean, I-" Cas started.

"Man, I promise I won't assault you again," Dean huffed depreciatively, just please-" his voice broke and Cas gulped. He couldn't do this, couldn't keep his distance like this while Dean was hurting and asking for something as simple as a hug. He scooted over to where Dean was curled in on himself and wrapped him up in his arms.

Dean sighed contentedly. This was what he had been missing. He felt himself go slack and his eyes moisten but he would not cry. He still felt shaky and had a hard time just to control his breathing, but resting his head against Cas' shoulder helped.

"Dean, are you sure you do not want a drink. You are still shivering." Cas could feel the tremble in Dean's muscles and suspected it might be more from shock and exhaustion setting in rather than actually feeling cold.

"No, just- still cold. Also, don't want you to get up." Dean would be embarrassed at this declaration if he had it in him to care right now.

"Ok, no getting up." Cas chuckled. "But in that case, you better share, it is a bit chilly sitting here uncovered" He was trying to keep the heating bill down as money was a bit tight with only him paying the bills now. Cas wriggled and tugged at the blanket. Dean obediently lifted up his legs for Cas to pull the blanket from under his feet, creating space for the man to sneak under it too. Cas settled next to Dean and the teenager happily accepted the closeness and snuggled up to the man as he pulled the blanket around them. Dean was still shivering and his arms felt cold to the touch. Making a probably way to rash decision, he gently pulled at Dean's arm and the teenager willingly followed and climbed into his lap, bracketing Cas with his legs and molding himself against his body. Cas wrapped his arms protectively around him, covering them both with the blanket.

"Thanks," Dean whispered against Cas' neck, finally feeling warmth return to his body.

Cas just held him and as time ticked by Dean initially felt himself relaxing before the air was getting heavy with things left unsaid between them. Things he had wanted to ask for weeks but never had the nerve to do, understanding that it was a no go zone. Apparently they both were very good at not addressing their issues. But today was different. Finally they were alone, and not just that, he was curled up against Cas, had the man's sole attention and he was literally dying to know.

"Why do you never mention, you know- the kiss?" Dean mumbled, not daring to look at him.

Dean could feel the man under him go rigid as he took in a sharp breath. Cas huffed nervously, biting his bottom lip. And for a moment Dean thought he would not grace him with an answer. Then Cas' gravely voice cut the silence, low and steady. "Well for one because most likely you wouldn't like what I have to say on the subject," Dean couldn't help but chuckle at that.

"And?"

"And secondly, because it really never should have happened in the first place."

"So you didn't like it?" Dean interjected, knowing he was pushing it, but he wanted to know because he sure as hell enjoyed it and the way Cas' lips had moved against his was still vivid in his mind.

"I-" Castiel cleared his throat. "You don't understand Dean, whether I did or didn't doesn’t matter, I-"

"Cas, please, just be honest with me here. Did you enjoy it?"

Castiel really wanted to say 'no', thought he needed to say 'no' to not give Dean any wrong ideas. But the words got stuck in his throat. Because he had to admit that if the situation was different, if they were different, circumstances were more favorable, he would have wholeheartedly enjoyed that kiss. He surprised himself when what came out was a quiet "Yes."

Dean's heart missed beat, his pulse suddenly racing.

"Yes?" he repeated dazed.

"Yes, ok, but that doesn't change the facts." Cas stated emphatically.

Dean sighed. Why did there always have to be a catch. Why couldn't they just be the two of them, here now, and not having to take the whole fucked up world into consideration? "You like me though, don't you?" he probed further.

"Dean, of course I like you, you should know that by now. But as a friend, only a friend. You're young, so young, you hardly know what you want out of life and-"

"Thanks a lot," Dean huffed sarcastically.

"I told you, you wouldn't like what I have to say."

Dean went quiet for a moment.

"So if I was older, would you- like me like _that_?"

"Dean that is a moot point, we are what we are, and we can never be more," he was trying to phrase this gently, he remembered only too well how rejected Dean felt the last time. Castiel knew he hadn't handled the aftermath of that kiss very well. He should have talked to Dean, told him where the lines had to be drawn. But he had been too scared to hurt the boy further. But clearly this was not just going to go away, so he needed to be mature about it and try to explain to Dean why they could never be a thing beyond friends.

"Even if you were older, I- Dean, I am not even confident with my sexuality yet, so I will not entertain the idea of any interaction with another man for quite some time. Plus you are, well a teenager and god Dean, even if you were of age, the age gap is just too big, think about it." He just prayed listing all the reasons why Dean should let go of this infatuation, of this pipe dream, would get the boy to reconsider. To focus on stuff boys his age should focus on.

Despite the slight sting of the rebuff, Dean actually found comfort in those words. If anything Cas wouldn't be running off with some hot dude anytime soon. He was sure he would not be able to handle that. He pressed himself closer into the man's body, seeking the warmth and comfort, glad that Cas granted him this much.

"Anyway, I thought you had a girlfriend." Cas enquired. If they were being honest it should go both ways. "So what is this? Do you actually think you might be gay or are you just trying to figure things out?" And how weird was it that the first time he actually kind of openly discussed such matters was with a teenage boy who was currently sat in his lap? The universe must be having a blast messing with him.

"I- honestly, I don’t actually know. I think I like being with girls but ever since," Dean gulped "since I met you, I think about that kind of stuff, you know. I don’t know anymore. I guess I – god, how do people ever make sense of this stuff?" Dean could feel himself blush at the open admission of his feelings. A stolen kiss was one thing but to actually put it into words, kind of gave it more credibility.

Cas hummed, feeling uncomfortable at having been the catalyst for Dean's doubts but also knowing what the boy must be going through. Maybe if he had someone to talk to when he was younger, someone to make him question and explore and accept himself, he would have not ended up struggling with this now in his late twenties. He cupped Dean's jaw with his hand, getting the boy's attention, looking imploringly into his eyes. "Just a word of advice. Well, two really. Firstly, don't ever let anyone tell you what you are is wrong. You, Dean Winchester, are a wonderful person and you are not defined by your sexuality. And secondly, please don't make the same mistakes I made. Be sure who you are and what you want before you get serious with anyone."

Dean's heart fluttered. Whatever else he might be feeling about and towards Cas, it would always be those eyes that would leave him breathless. He could tell that there still was so much regret in Cas' voice with regards to Amelia and he wanted to comfort him so badly, not even kiss him, just place a peck on his cheek or something to show he understood. But damn those lips looked inviting. Without giving it much thought Dean brought up one of his hands and let his thumb trail the outline of Cas' mouth, eyes glued to his lips before bringing his eyes back up to meet Cas'. He could feel the man's breath hitch and knew he would just have to lean in. He was sure Cas would not push him away, saw it in the man's eyes. But he promised not to and he was a man of his word. What they had here now was infinitely better than what they had, or didn't have, over these last few weeks. It was not worth risking it. So with a small sigh he brought his hand around the back of Cas' head, carding his finger's through the dark unruly hair as he rested his head on his shoulder.

Cas let out the breath he had been holding and sent up a silent prayer, thankful that Dean didn't follow through, didn't test his resolve because he was not sure whether he would have been able to push him away again. He had no idea what that could possibly mean. He just knew it didn't matter because it was just an impossible situation, was well aware that even this here now was too much, too close. He was hyper conscious of Dean in his lap, intimately close, the teenager's lips just short of nuzzling his neck. Cas knew exactly what this would look like from the outside, what people would think should they be looking in. How this whole situation could be misconstrued.

Yet he couldn't get himself to care and he probably was crazy for not being concerned. But he was even more convinced that pushing Dean away right now would break the boy and would damage their friendship in a way that would be hard to mend. And he cared too much about Dean to risk that. Dean deserved so much more than what life currently gave him. Cas had a clear enough conscience and was certain Dean got the message about this never developing into more. And if Dean needed some form of physical contact in their friendship he would try to provide this within the confines of what was acceptable, valiantly ignoring the way he was already blurring those lines.

They continued with what really could only be described as cuddling. Dean was soaking in the comfort Cas gave him like he had been starving for it, which, if he was being honest, he had. He never wanted to move again.

Castiel eventually could feel Dean doze off against his chest. It had gotten nice and warm in that cocoon they made for themselves with the blanket. He shifted them around a bit as his legs were starting to feel numb under Dean's weight, and resettled Dean's head against his chest, not really willing to let go of him yet. Castiel could feel his own eyes grow heavy with sleep; maybe he even had nodded off himself for a few minutes he thought as he jolted, opening his eyes. He smiled at Dean's sleeping form unable to stifle the big yawn that escaped him. He should probably head up to go to bed. It had gotten rather late and the room was mainly cast in darkness, only the light from the hall casting a small glow.

They had missed dinner but he wasn't hungry and assumed Dean wouldn't' have managed to eat much either. Cas carefully moved the boy until he was lying outstretched on the sofa, a small grunt escaping him as Cas did so. He wrapped the blanket around Dean and gave his hair a gentle pat before heading up the stairs. He hardly managed to change into his pj's before he hit the bed, pulled the covers up and fell into an uneasy sleep.

Cas woke up in what felt like the middle of the night. The room was still shrouded in darkness. He thought he heard a quiet noise next to his ear. It almost sounded like someone snoring softly. It took him a second to comprehend this but then he whipped his head around and came face to face with Dean's sleeping features. Again, Cas' sleep addled brain didn't catch up to this straight away. Why was Dean here in his bed? Then he remembered the previous evening and how he had left Dean asleep on the couch. He must have come upstairs and climbed into his bed during the night. Dean was curled up tight to him, one arm slung around his chest, body pressed against his side. Cas could feel Dean was slightly aroused from where his groin pressed into his hip and could only hope the teenager had kept his clothes on. He at least was wearing a t-shirt, a quick touch to his back confirmed.

Cas felt a rush of heat crawl up his body and suddenly had trouble breathing. He became painfully aware of the fact that despite Dean's age, there was in fact a male body, a seemingly fully functional male body, in his bed. This was not how Cas had envisaged his 'first time' sharing a bed to go. Then again, should he be surprised? Things hadn't been going to plan for quite some time now.

He realized he was panicking, trying to take a few calming breaths. He knew sleep and dreams could do funny things to a man's body, even more so to a hormonal teenager, so he tried his hardest not to freak at the implications of Dean's bodily state. That didn't stop his mind flashing back to his one other encounter with an aroused male. Memories of that night in the car park came rushing back, the heat and need he had felt, leaving him all the more breathless and, oh god, making his own penis twitch. He knew he had to get out of here. Go and have a cold shower or something, sleep on the couch, just get away from here.

He slowly edged away from Dean, replacing the arm Dean's head was resting on with a cushion and headed down the stairs into the kitchen for some cold water. The clock on the microwave told him that in fact it had gone 6am, so Cas reconsidered, opting for some coffee instead. He needed to wake up, needed to be able to think clearly.

He was on his second mug when there was a loud knock on the door. Cas was in no mood to talk to anyone yet. Who would knock on the door at that time of day anyway? So he tried to ignore it, only for it to get louder in intensity.

"I'm coming, I'm coming, alright!" Cas mumbled, pulling his dressing gown round himself and stalking out the kitchen. Someone clearly was hell-bent on breaking his front door down if the way that person was banging against it was anything to go. And Cas was worried whoever it was would wake up Dean

He might have expected a lot of people on the other side of that door, Sammy or John Winchester, featuring high on his list, but not one of his brothers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Which brother will it be? And what do they want? Apologies for the cliffhanger but this chapter was getting so long I had to cut it at a reasonable place.  
> AND, you have no idea how hard it was not to have these two kiss again, well, maybe you do ;). I was seriously tempted to say 'to hell' with the story outline and just give in, throw away the script so to speak. But that would have steered this story into a whole different direction and with that in mind I remained strong.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I'm so glad I managed to get this out tonight. I'm so excited for this chapter, there is so much happening. Also I'm not beyond using well established tropes if it helps progress the story :) This really is a roller-coaster, I gave myself plenty of feelings writing it, and it's late here so as much as I tried to catch all errors, apologies if some remain (again, if anything is glaringly obvious, feel free to point it out).

"Gabriel?" Castiel said in disbelief, not really believing his eyes.

"Hello to you too, brother."

"Yes, hello but how- why are you here?" His brothers didn't generally have the tendency to turn up unannounced.

"Well, for one, if you would have checked your phone or email, you would have been aware of my imminent arrival and two, you didn't honestly expect there to be no repercussion to such an explosive email." Gabriel waggled his eyebrows dramatically.

Castiel cringed as he remembered. In a fateful fit of courage he had sent his parents an email Thursday evening, detailing his separation from Amelia, leaving out the juicy details, of course, but asking for their understanding. He had just finally wanted to get it off his chest. And then the drama next door happened and he actually forgot. He groaned, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He really needed the coffee to kick in.

Gabriel continued, way too cheerful for Castiel's liking. "As it is, it was either me or the Spanish inquisition of our parents. Did you really think they would just let you get divorced without bringing their fire and brimstone your way? Be happy I volunteered to be the one trying to talk some sense into you." And his brother used air quotes to make his point. Castiel still stared, mouth hanging slightly open. "At least I have pretty good inkling what this really is about."

"How did you even get here?"

"Funny invention called aeroplanes." Gabriel rolled his eyes at his brother.

"No, I mean with the weather and all." The blizzard had turned the world white overnight. Gabriel was standing in at least a foot and a half of snow, Castiel guessed.

"Well, I was lucky enough to catch the last flight before they closed the airport. Damn delays though, and don't get me started on the taxi, had to pay the guy extra to venture down your end. Still had to walk the last few hundred yards to your residence. Seriously you guys don't have any snowplows venturing to this part of town? Guess I will be stuck here for a few days if things don't improve."

"Great," Castiel gave his brother a sarcastic smile. That was just what he needed.

"Now, are you going to invite me in, or do we need to do this out here, while I freeze my private parts off?"

Shit, Dean. Cas' heart missed a beat. What were the chances of his brother turning up on the day when he had a teenage boy sleeping in his bed and- No, he would not panic. Nothing untoward had happened and no way was he going to let Gabriel snoop around the house. But he couldn't just leave him outside his front door either. Castiel would just have to try to confine him to the kitchen for now.

"If I must." Cas stepped aside, making way for his brother.

"I am making some more coffee, would you care for some?" Castiel needed more caffeine. He needed his brain to engage, to brace himself for the inevitable Novak lecture and, even more importantly, he needed to keep an eye on his brother.

Gabriel dumped his overnight bag in the hallway, took off his coat and hat before following Castiel into the kitchen. He pulled out a chair, making himself comfortable as he watched his younger brother clamber around the kitchen.

A few minutes later they both had a steaming mug of coffee in front of them. Castiel got more and more unnerved by the way Gabriel just silently stared at him, no doubt judging him. He huffed audibly, making his displeasure known.

"So, shall we talk about the weather first or shall I go straight to the point?" he finally said around a sip of coffee.

"Don't let me stop you." Better get it over with, Cas thought.

"Ok, straight then, oh- no pun intended." Gabriel smirked at Castiel growled. His brother was an ass at the best of times. "You two are breaking up because you're a homosexual, isn't it? You finally couldn't keep it in your pants anymore and succumbed to those impulses." It wasn't so much a question as a statement.

"And what if I did?" Castiel snapped defensively, he wasn't up for this.

"Hold your horses, bro. As far as I'm concerned I really couldn't care less. I told you years ago, I don't care what you get up to in your spare time. But you couldn't just keep it under the radar could you? Had to have your big gay coming out crisis. You managed up to now, so what changed? My guess is some guy got to you, probably gave you the whole 'gay pride' speech, rainbow flag and all."

"No, it wasn't like that, it- not that I need to justify myself but, this is who I am and what a man would I be if I carried on lying to my wife like that and make her miserable in the process?" Castiel clung to his mug, as he tried to stay calm.

Gabriel mulled this new bit of information over. "As noble an endeavor as that might be Castiel, you know how mother and father will react should they ever find out. And I don't have to tell you that the rest of our siblings most definitely won't be as 'relaxed' about this as me either. It will be hard enough coming up with something to explain the break-up to them- I take it there is no point trying to talk you into changing your mind on that. But for the love of god keep the rest to yourself. Just keep acting like the good little soldier they expect you to be, and live whatever life you need to live in private. Worked fine for me so far." he grinned.

"What?" Castiel's head shot up at his brother's words. What did he mean by that? "What are you- Are you trying to tell me that you're into that stuff too-"?

Gabriel stared at him for a moment before he burst out laughing as realization dawned. "Hell no, not my cup of tea. But I've been to college, oh those parties we had back then. The stuff we used to snort. Man, I really miss those days." Castiel raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not understanding there reference. Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Did you really believe that I went into my marriage a Mr. Goody Two-Shoe virgin like I have our parents and everyone else believe?"

Castiel kept staring at him. "Oh- right. And your-"

"Why burden her with stuff that has no bearing on our current life." Gabriel shrugged. "You should have done the same thing, just kept quiet, although I can see how lusting after the wrong equipment could make that hard in every day life. So you couldn't satisfy your wife in the appropriate ways any longer?"

"Fuck you." Castiel snarled, very tempted to hurl the half full mug of coffee at his brothers' head.

"Oh such colorful language from my baby brother. Rebellion suits you." Gabriel turning everything into a joke, as always, relaxed back into the chair and enjoyed another sip of his coffee.

Castiel wondered whether he would be an awful human being if the just shoved Gabriel's backside right back out the front door.

#

"Ugh-," Dean jolted awake, still feeling the aftershocks of his orgasm. He panted as he rode it out, reflexively rocking his hips to get that extra bit of friction against the mattress, before his eyes opened in alarm as he remembered where he was. His head shot up and he suddenly was very much awake. Leave it to him to have a wet dream in Castiel's bed. He looked around panicked but thankfully there was no sign of the man. Dean fell back onto the cushion head first as he took a few steadying breaths before suddenly jumping up. Shit, he felt the wetness in his boxers and pulled the blanket off only to see that it was already too late. There was a very clear and visible wet patch on the sheets.

Dean cursed. He had come in Cas' bed and, of course, left a stain on the comforter. Like he didn't feel embarrassed enough already! Dean's heart rate spiked, cheeks flushing red in mortification. He would have to change the sheets and, oh crap- possibly have to explain to Cas what happened. No doubt the man would notice the new sheets on his bed. Plus he didn't have any clean underwear and he left his jeans downstairs in the living room. So on top of everything else, he would have to go through Cas' stuff in search of anything that might fit him.

Dean went through a few drawers until he located some draw string running shorts. If he tied them tight enough they would just about stay on his hips. He quickly removed his ruined underwear, using it to wipe any remnants of come off before putting on the shorts. He continued his search until he found the clean sheets, making quick work of the bed. Dean hid his boxers in the sheets and placed them in the laundry basket in the bathroom. He would find an appropriate moment to extract them again later. Or better wash the sheets and his boxers when he could sneak into the kitchen in a quiet moment.

The aroma of coffee was wafting up from downstairs and Dean felt awake enough to crave some. He quickly relieved himself, flushed the toilet and headed down the stairs.

The pipes creaked and groaned louder than usual, probably thanks to the cold. There was no mistaking someone had just flushed the toilet. Castiel stilled, the coffee mug halfway to his mouth. He already felt his brother's gaze on him before he even had a chance to meet his gaze.

"You got someone staying with you?" The question was innocent enough though heavily loaded in its deliverance.

Castiel swallowed around a lump in his throat, not sure what to say. There was no point denying it.

"Yes." He simply stated, not sure how to explain the situation.

Gabriel's eyes were about to pop out of its sockets. "You really don't waste any time, do you?" And Castiel didn't like the implication of that at all. He was just about to emphatically deny such allegations when Dean's head came into vision.

"Morning Cas, I hope you left me some cof- OH"

And if at all possible Gabriel's eyes went even wider as Dean, still in only his t-shirt and, as was easily deductible, Castiel's shorts, shuffled into the kitchen.

Dean's eyes landed on Gabriel, who fixed him with a glare which the boy returned. "What are _you_ doing here?" He snapped while walking up behind Cas, resting against his chair and putting a hand protectively on the man's shoulder.

And Castiel had been wrong. His brother's eyes still could get bigger as his eyebrows almost disappeared into his hairline, a calculating gaze studying the two of them.

"I could ask _you_ the same question." Gabriel retorted, holding Dean's stare and then turning his attention to his brother. "Castiel?"

"He, I-" Cas stammered.

"I had a run in with my dad and Cas let me crash on his couch. Thanks again, by the way." Dean recovered first, still eyeing Gabriel warily.

"Right, _couch_." Gabriel parroted sarcastically.

"Yes, couch." Cas confirmed, finally finding his voice again.

"That's why you came ALL the way from upstairs. Last time I checked the couch was in the living room."

Castiel gulped, looking stunned and Dean needed to think for both of them, and fast.

"Well, feel free to have a look, blanket and my clothes are still there." Dean informed him, pulling a chair up next to Cas, close enough that their legs were touching in silent comfort.

"Now what _I_ would like to know is what are you doing here? You better not be giving Cas a hard time. He's had enough shit to deal with lately."

"Dean, he _knows_ about me." Cas informed him, leaving no doubt about what he was referring to.

"Oh," Dean said just as Gabriel said "The boy knows? Why am I not surprised?" He huffed.

"I do not like what you might be implying but of course he-"

A loud knock on the door interrupted Castiel, and he let out an internal sigh of relief at the interruption.

"Let me get that." He said leaving his brother and Dean at the table, glowering at each other.

"Sammy,"

"Hey Cas. Sorry it's early but-"

"It is ok. We are all up already. Come in. We are in the kitchen."

Sammy shook out of his coat and shoes, before following Castiel. "Hey Dean- oh, hello." He looked between Dean and Castiel's brother. Neither of them looked particularly happy, although Dean smiled when he noticed Sammy.

"Hey squirt. Was getting worried about you. How are things back at the house?"

"Alright I guess. They're still sleeping."

"Oh, so that woman is still there?" Dean's face fell.

"Well not like dad could drive her back home even if it hadn't been snowing." Sam said before biting his tongue, looking apologetically at his older brother.

"Damn." Dean remembered the Impala. "Guess he was mad?"

"You could say that. I stayed out of his way most of the time. Plus he had someone else to distract him." The rest didn't need to be said. Dean had a good idea about what was implied.

Gabriel watched the whole exchange with interest, especially how these two boys seemed so at home in his brother's house. It appeared like they must be spending a lot of time here. Which was only confirmed when Dean got up and offered to make pancakes for everyone, moving confidently around the kitchen and knowing where the pots and pans were. Castiel made another batch of coffee, and some hot chocolate for the little kid, and it was all so weirdly domestic, it made Gabriel wonder what was really going on here. Clearly this Dean had not been lying about the disagreement with his father but also Gabriel knew what he had and hadn't heard, and that boy had not been coming out of the living room.

#

After breakfast, Dean offered to clear out Castiel's front yard, as a thank you for letting him stay. Castiel initially refused but gave in quickly. He had learned that Dean, if anything, could be very persistent. Yet, the boy did not have the proper clothes for weather like this and Castiel ushered him back upstairs in search for some suitable winter wear. That was how Dean found himself wearing one of his friend's old padded ski jackets and his snow boots, with three pairs of socks to make them fit (and embarrassingly had to ask Cas for a pair of boxers, not even bothering to come up with an excuse and thankfully Cas didn't ask).

"Man, I look like the frigging Michelin man." Dean complained as he waddled down the stairs, a woolly hat and thermal gloves completing his outfit. His bitch brother and his so called 'friend' couldn't hold back their laughter and even Gabriel had a hard time looking serious.

"Shut up, and help me, bitch." he grumbled at Sammy as he made his way outside, shovel in hand. And Sammy didn't need asking twice. He loved snow and had been waiting all morning for an opportunity to throw a snow ball or two at his brother.

Soon the brothers were hard at work and Castiel was left with his brother once more. He busied himself in the living room, folding up the blanket and rearranging the cushions.

"Are you ok sleeping on the couch for a few days? Just we never got around to getting a bed for the spare room." Castiel tried for normality, hoping that the earlier discussion was over, but no such luck. It seemed like his brother had just been waiting for a moment to get him alone.

"Castiel, what on earth are you doing?" Gabriel asked.

"I am preparing the couch so you can use it as a sleeping facility."

"Don't play dumb with me. You know what I am referring to. What are you doing with that boy?" Gabriel pulled his brother around by his shoulders, staring at him imploringly. "It is one thing being a homosexual and that alone will give you a disadvantage and get you into plenty of trouble in parts of this country, but to get involved with a minor and running the danger of getting convicted of statutory rape or worse- Castiel that will ruin the rest of your life."

"Gabriel, there is nothing improper going on between Dean and I." Castiel protested feeling his head throb, as his pulse sky rocketed. This was what he had been scared off.

Gabriel sighed exasperated, rolling his eyes before fixing his brother again with his gaze. "And it's funny, you know. I actually believe you, but just because there isn't anything going on don't mean he or you don't want there to be _something_ going on. Castiel this is dangerous and you should run as far away from this boy as you can."

Castiel's hand went to his neck, rubbing it as he thought about how to reply. It would be so much easier protesting, denying all the accusations if it hadn't been for the knowledge that Dean in fact did want something more. That knowledge now burned in the back of Castiel's skull. Sometimes ignorance really was bliss. Everything would be so much easier if he didn't know. Still, there was no way he would give Dean away to his brother and making things more complicated than they already were.

"You don't know anything about him or his situation. He is a friend and he and Sammy really don't have a caring family to look out for them, so Amelia and I are just-"

"But Amelia is gone Castiel, so stop hiding behind her. What are you doing here? I warned you before that the boy's got it bad for you. If there had been any doubt about that, the way he just tried to protect you from the big bad _'me'_ served as confirmation. At least he has filled out a bit since the last time he tried to pull this alpha-male-in-training routine and go all protective over you."

"Gabriel, for the last time, he and I are just friends and I am just making sure he and Sammy are ok." Even to his own ears his protest sounded weak but he needed Gabriel to leave well enough alone.

"Well, fine, if you say so I have to believe you. Just make sure it stays that way, because while I might not call the cops on you, other people might not be quite so lenient whether there is grounds for suspicion or not." Gabriel let out a heavy sigh, looking up at his brother with concerned eyes. "Castiel, why do you think I'm really here? I jumped in before anyone else could offer to come and talk to you. Believe it or not, I care about you and I don't want our family's wrath on you. I might be a sarcastic bastard and not show it a lot but you are my baby brother and apart from me, you're possibly the only one halfway sane in this fucked up, zealotic family, although I am starting to doubt your sanity."

Castiel was left speechless. Gabriel had never shared that much about his feelings with him. Maybe he was struggling and fed up with their family just as much as he was. Cas all of a sudden felt rather grateful that Gabriel had volunteered to come in their parents place. It appeared there was more to him than he let on. Now Cas would just have to think of a suitable story for his break-up which his brother could relay back home and maybe he could escape the worst, at least for a while.

"Thanks Gabriel, I mean it." He said as he went to work getting blankets and sheets, trying to turn this couch into a bed.

#

And hour later Dean and Sammy were still shoveling snow like there was no tomorrow. Gabriel had retreated to his make shift bed for a quick nap and Castiel was antsy, having already cleaned the kitchen and done the laundry. He had spotted the soiled sheets and decided to just wash them and not mention anything to Dean. The boy looked like he was about to have a coronary earlier when he asked about clean underwear. He could imagine how embarrassing this was, but at least it had explained Dean wearing his shorts.

He felt a tad guilty for letting the brothers do all the hard work outside and probably should offer his help. Cas assumed they had to clear their own yard later as well. He didn't much fancy venturing outside but his conscience won. He put on his coat and gloves, found another pair of boots that were passable and headed out the front door.

"Hey Cas, finally showing your face." Dean smiled, face red from exertion and the chill in the air.

"I thought I offer my assistance, but as I can see, you are progressing rather well." The boys had managed to dig out the car, and cleared a wide path down towards the road. Well, Cas suspected that mainly it had been Dean's doing, as Sammy was halfway across the sidewalk, rolling a big ball of snow around.

Castiel let his eyes roam over to the other houses. It was weird how snow had the ability to draw out the whole neighborhood. Despite the still fairly early hour there were children and teenagers everywhere, making snowmen and throwing snowballs between adults digging out their cars. It was like the world had come to a standstill. It was moments like these that Castiel really liked this rundown neighborhood. It had character. And he really would miss moving from here should he find himself unable to hold on to the house. Just as his mood was about to take a nose dive he was hit square in the face by something cold and wet and white.

"Hey!" he yelled, wiping the snow out of his eyes. He didn't need his sight though to know who had thrown the snow. The laughter from beside him was unmistakably Dean's.

"Oh you did not just-"

"Oh yes I did. What you gonna do ab-" The snowball hit him straight in the jaw. Damn, Cas apparently had excellent aim. Dean coughed and spat out the snow that had ended up in his mouth, glaring at Castiel who had taken safety behind the car, big grin on his face

"Oh it's on!" Dean chortled, looking for something to hide behind. "Hey Sammy, snowball fight!" he called over to his brother, who immediately abandoned his half built snow man in favor of scooping up some snow and aiming at his brother.

Half an hour later, they were all cold and wet but laughing. Cas couldn't remember ever having enjoyed snow quite this much. He was sure he must have had snow ball fights as a kid, but if he did they clearly hadn't been memorable. After throwing balls of snow at one another for the first couple of minutes, they ended up in warfare with a few teenagers from down the block, five against three. In the process they pretty much managed to get snow everywhere. Dean had been at the receiving end of a snow facial when he failed to run away fast enough after brazenly attacking the other camp. The bastards actually showed snow down his coat which yeah, was very cold and had turned his shirt wet. Dean felt it clinging to his skin but he didn't care, he was having too much fun.

They were all at that lovely stage of being so cold that they didn't feel the chill anymore. Their trousers were soaked, their noses red and their cheeks flushed. Dean could feel the skin on his face sting and was sure the others weren't faring much better. After leaving their mark in the snow, making funny shapes and snow angels, they set to work on finishing off Sammy's snowman. Cas put the final touches to it with his scarf and woolly hat, which gave Dean the perfect opportunity to throw one last snowball at his head which was repaid in kind as he couldn't duck his head fast enough. Only when Sammy's lips started to turn a nice shade of blue did Cas suggest that maybe they should all head back inside to warm up.

Dean knew he needed a clean and, more importantly dry, batch of clothes but still refused to enter his home. He didn't want to face the reality of his father and that woman. He was happy and he wanted it to last. Thankfully his little brother offered to bring him some back after he got changed and he gratefully accepted.

Back in the house Cas took off his coat, only now realizing that his fingers were so cold he had lost feeling and could hardly move them. He peeled the wet gloves off his hands and discarded them on the floor. He was basically one big cold, frozen wet mess but he had a smile on his face, which only grew bigger when Dean entered the house. He looked dazzling and was still laughing, as he recounted the 'epic battle'. He was so alive; such a different person from the one Cas had scooped up yesterday afternoon. Cas thought he should always look like that, young and carefree and happy.

"That was awesome but dude, I can't feel my legs." Dean chuckled as he tried to peel out of his jeans that clung to him like a second skin.

"You can go to my room to get changed if you want. I'll take the bathroom." Cas offered, walking up the stairs, wiggling his fingers and toes, trying to get the blood flowing.

"Sure," Dean agreed and followed Cas up the stairs.

Cas grabbed some clothes before disappearing into the bathroom. He felt chilled to the bone and for a moment was tempted to just go and have a long hot shower. But maybe he should offer one to Dean first, while there was guaranteed hot water. The boy was literally soaked through and probably felt even colder than Cas.

He stripped down to his boxers and undershirt, debating whether it would be worth hanging the clothes up to dry but decided it best to just wash them. Cas grabbed a towel and worked it over his hair as he smiled at his reflection in the mirror. He let his hands trail the outline of his stubble, deciding he really needed a shave. He didn't get to contemplate this any further as suddenly something very, very cold and wet hit his bare back. He yelped, high pitched and totally undignified.

"What the-"

Dean had shoved a hand full of snow down the back of his undershirt and currently was half bend over in laughter as he leaned against the door for support.

"Cas, your face-" he rasped out between fits of giggles. "Oh man, you should have seen you. I wish I'd taken a pic."

It took Cas a second to get his bearings, cold slush working its way down his back, dribbling into his boxers, but then he pounced.

"Oh you're so going to pay for that." He grinned devilishly.

Dean saw him coming though and hightailed it out of the bathroom, making Cas grab at air, yelling a teasing "you have to catch me first" over his shoulder. He squealed as he ran back towards Cas' bedroom, the man hot on his heels.

Cas came charging into the room, coming to a stop and facing Dean down from across the bed.

He eyed Dean with a calculating glare, trying to work out whether he could make it across the bed to grab him before the boy would have a chance to escape.

"Come on." Dean teased, laughing and sticking out his tongue, wriggling his boxer clad hips in mockery, readying himself to jump out from behind the bed and out the door.

"Oh I'm planning on it." Castiel stepped to the right, and then immediately to the left, jumping half over the bed, trying to reach for the boy.

"Gotta be faster than that," Dean jeered as he jumped and raced past Cas and out the door towards the spare bedroom. Cas threw the towel he still held in his hand after him, almost catching Dean around the legs and the boy screeched as he raced into the spare room. He was laughing so hard he had problems taking in air which, in his mind at least, was the reason that a moment later Cas managed to grab hold of him.

"Now you are going to pay," the man sniggered as he put Dean into a head lock, bringing the knuckles of his other hand up to Dean's skull and rubbing them against it.

"Ouch, oh, stoooop," Dean begged but couldn't hide his chuckles as he tried to wriggle out of Castiel's hold.

"Do you surrender?" Cas asked, easing off for a moment.

"Never!" Dean declared, not beyond playing dirty and kicking Castiel in the shin. The man temporarily lost his grip which gave Dean enough time to slip free but Cas managed to hold on to his arm. They both were laughing as they wrestled for the upper hand. Dean was stronger than he looked Cas thought as he struggled to keep a hold on him.

Dean tried to writhe out of Cas' grasp and in a last ditch attempt jumped at him, wrapping his legs around the man's waist. Cas, unfortunately for both of them, lost his footing and they crashed onto the floor, a loud "umph" escaping Cas and Dean still clinging on to him.

Dean smiled victorious. "Are you ready to surrender?" He mocked from where he was now on top of his friend. Cas was winded and combined with the still manic laughter and the weight of Dean on top he felt light headed as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Never," Cas rasped after a moment, smirking up at the boy, mirroring Dean's earlier statement. He grabbed Dean by the wrists and flipped them over, straddling the boy at the waist and pinning his hands to the floor above his head.

"Surrender, Winchester." They were both in stitches and Cas could barely get out the words.

Dean groaned and struggled against Cas, trying to buck his friend off, but knew that really he was beaten.

"Make me Novak" he replied defiantly, giving Cas a challenging look.

And one minute they were laughing, as Dean, against hope, tried to squirm out of Cas' grasp and then they weren't as the atmosphere shifted. Dean swallowed and went slack under Cas, as he stared up at him, gazing into those blue eyes. Cas was staring back just as intensely, not letting go of Dean's wrists but loosening his grip. Their shared labored breathing the only sound filling the sudden silence.

Cas' thumbs started to absentmindedly draw circles at the skin of Dean's wrists as he gazed down at him. The contact and all too gentle touch had Dean come out in goose bumps all over. They just kept looking. Dean had the most wonderful shade of green, Cas thought. Not that that was a new fact, just the way they were shining now, big and full of emotions, they were beautiful, Dean was beautiful.

Dean was sure he was going to burst. He was in a daze. Cas was everywhere, Dean felt the weight of the man on him, those hands still holding on to his wrists, and yet it was not enough, he craved more.

"Cas," he whimpered as he lifted up his head, eyes coming to rest on the man's slightly parted lips. He felt a flutter in his stomach and his heart was about to jump out of his chest as Cas slowly leaned in. Dean could feel the man's exhale ghosting against his skin and held his own breath in anticipation. Cas closed the last inch that was separating them, his lips meeting Dean's in a gentle brush.

"Hey Dean, I'm back. Where are you guys?" Sammy's voice was accompanied by the slamming sound of the front door.

Within a heartbeat Cas was off of Dean, his gaze wild and unfocussed like he had just come out of a dream and tried to get his bearings. Dean scrambled into a sitting position, his body still bemoaning the loss of Cas.

"Guys?" Sammy's voice asked again.

"We're up here." Dean yelled as he drew his legs up, covering his erection that was clearly visible through his boxers.

His brother appeared a moment later, throwing a stack of clothes at Dean.

"Hey," he took the state his brother and Cas were in. "What's going on here?" he asked amused.

"Nothing much. Just Cas had an issue with some snow down his back and thought he could teach me a lesson." Dean joked. Cas didn't say anything, just stared. His mind was still busy trying to process what he had almost done, willingly, to Dean. His stomach gave a lurch and he suddenly jumped to his feet and ran out of the room.

Sammy laughed. "Guess he didn't enjoy the experience." Dean shrugged his shoulders before pulling on the dry set of clothes, acting like he didn't have a care in the world but his mind was firmly on Cas. Again, he had fucked things up and pushed Cas into something he already said he wasn't comfortable with. What the hell was wrong with him? But also he didn't quite get it. Cas was about to kiss him, and while he understood he didn't want Sam to walk in on them, why the sudden freak-out? Dean was confused. But most of all he knew it was most likely his fault for pushing the issue. He needed to apologize.

Cas locked himself in the bathroom and leaned against the sink, propping himself up on his hand as he waited for his heartbeat to return to normal. He felt dizzy and sick, physically appalled at himself, or more precisely at his body that had so easily betrayed him. He tried to reason that getting aroused was just a plain bodily reaction to being pressed up close to another human being. It had nothing to do with the actual person involved. Right, that had to be it. There was no room for any other viable explanation.

Oh god, but what had he almost done, kissing the teenager. What was wrong with him, Cas wondered, a silent question thrown at his reflection in the mirror. He needed to get a grip. He had no desire to go and chase after underage boys and take advantage of them. The thing was though, it wasn't boys, it was Dean. Had, and if so when, Cas stopped seeing him as just a kid and perceived him as something more? Dean, the boy from next door, who had so valiantly defended his baby brother all those years back when they first met. Dean who was basically still a kid, despite his protests to the contrary.

And what the hell was he going to do about this? There really shouldn't even be a 'this', because he was not a pervert and therefore there was nothing to contemplate. That small voice whispering to him, that Dean had made it quite clear that this was something he wanted, so would it be so bad to want it back, was like a hot iron pressing straight into his skull, torturing and damning him for even allowing such a thought.

Gabriel's words and warnings were rushing back to him. He splashed some water on his face. There was just no way. Even if a small, minute part of him would allow itself to think of Dean as anything more than his teenage friend, he would have to deny himself. He had denied himself for years, Cas knew he could do this, had to do this for both their sakes. Nothing was going to happen. That would have to be the bottom line of it.

"Cas?" Dean's voice followed by a tentative knock brought him back to the here and now. He stood frozen. He knew he had to address this head on but didn't know what to possibly say.

"Cas, please. Let me talk to you." Dean urged quietly, probably as to not be overheard by anyone else.

After taking in a deep breath, Cas unlocked the door, ushering Dean inside, not quite meeting his eyes.

"Cas, dude, I'm so sorry, I know I-"

"Dean, it is I who needs to apologize. I was- what was almost about to happen would have been completely inappropriate and I should have never allowed myself to get carried away like that."

"But Cas-"

"No, please Dean." Cas gulped. "I have to be very clear on this, something like this can never happen again."

Dean knew really that this was what Cas would say, still it hurt. He had seen the way the man had looked at him, still felt the tingle from where he had tenderly caressed his wrists. "But why? If it is what we both want?" He just needed Cas to be honest.

"But you see it is not what I want. I _can't_ want this. And if we are to continue our friendship-

"Cas, no-" Dean panicked.

"-which is something I would very much like to do, as I care for you deeply Dean, there will have to be rules. There can be no more crawling into bed with me or attempted kisses," Cas whispered the last word, as if he was scared someone could hear him. "And I need to be able to trust you to keep to them." The 'Because I don't trust myself right now' being left unsaid.

Dean swallowed down the anger he felt, because really that was the last thing he wanted. A rigid friendship where again, he had to watch his every step. Still, he thought he got the message, finally. Cas shot him down, again. He still had his pride and it looked like it was time for him to grow up, get over this infatuation of his. There was no point crying over something you could not have, no matter how much you wanted it.

"I'm not gonna lie, this sucks, but ok- just please promise me we won't go back to the way things were a few weeks ago. I need to know it's still ok to hug or touch you without you getting all jumpy. I- please Cas." And he knew he sounded whiney but he just needed something.

"I guess that is acceptable." Castiel agreed after thinking it over. He would just have to stay clear on the lines. As if to test that promise Dean stepped up and wrapped his arms around Cas in a quick hug.

"I'm sorry, for making you uncomfortable." Dean sighed.

"Do not be. It is not your fault." Cas replied and wasn't that the truth. Dean had done nothing wrong. It was not his fault his body was a hormonal mess, and he was questioning his sexual preferences and somehow had focused some of that attention on Castiel. If anything Castiel laid the blame squarely at his own feet. He was the adult here and as such should be in control of his emotions and the situation. Yes he was under a lot of stress lately but that should be no excuse for losing control like that.

"Come on, let's go downstairs. I have a brother waiting." Cas said after a moment, patting Dean on the back. He hoped that Gabriel missed most of their earlier romp around the house. He didn't much fancy another talk because he didn't need reminding that he was walking a thin line here. What he did need was to find a way to get his act together. Maybe go out and socialize a bit more. He had been a hermit way too long and that could not be healthy for anyone.

"Yeah, got one down there too." Dean chuckled a bit too tightly, heading down the stairs, each step feeling like stepping back into reality a bit more, slowly choking any remnants of happiness he had felt. The reality of having to apologize to his dad, of having to deal with this strange woman, to come up with a way to pay for the windscreen, not even thinking about all the other bills, and to find a way of dealing with the stinging feeling of rejection while still desiring his friend every time he looked at him. Basically he was going back to hell.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late update. This chapter has been sitting about 3/4 done on my laptop for weeks but something just felt off. I finally had breakthrough this weekend and managed to get the tone of the chapter they way I wanted to. Not that much Dean Cas interaction in this one, I apologize. They just have stuff they need to deal with to propel the story forward. 
> 
> Anyhow, hope you enjoy.

"Gabriel, your taxi is here."

"Coming, just making sure I haven't forgotten anything." Castiel's brother shouted, his eyes sweeping the living room before he checked through his bag one last time.

It had been three days since Gabriel's unannounced and initially very unwelcome arrival. Apparently a lot can change in that time and Castiel had come to appreciate his brother in a new way or, if he was being honest, in any way other than loathing. Gabriel would have been able to get a flight back yesterday if he'd wanted to but decided to stay on an extra day for which Castiel was actually grateful. It made him feel a bit less alone in this mess that currently was his life. His brother was still irritating him a fair amount, never letting a chance to wind him up pass, but now, with the knowledge of Gabriel's deeper, more thoughtful side, it was easier to handle. Castiel even managed the occasional witty retort, making his brother crack up in the process, telling him that there might be hope for him yet.

Gabriel did try his best to help him to come up with a suitably dramatic story to relay to their parents, his imagination being way more colorful than Castiel's, scarily so as he discovered. Also his brother's acceptance, even if somewhat flawed, meant a lot, especially when considering the prospect of being disowned by the rest of his family should he ever decide to come out. This remained a point of contention between them and something Gabriel passionately argued against, unless Castiel would be prepared to deal with the consequences.

Even the way the situation currently presented itself, Castiel was well aware that he would be the outcast of the family, the first one to actually be tainted by the stain of divorce as far as he knew, and as such be subjected to a certain amount of judgment. But at least they would still talk to him, probably make him go through some form of penance to save his soul. But being an accepting homosexual in no way, shape or form would get anything less than outright condemnation, Castiel had no doubt about that. His family was not the 'live and let live' type when it came to such matters.

"Well,-" he shuffled his feet, debating whether to give his older brother a hug. Big displays of affection was not something they had been taught as a valid form of social interaction.

"Don't strain yourself, you might pull something." Gabriel patted him on the back. Castiel smiled. He was getting used to his brother's sense of humor, learning not to take everything at face value. Something he had very much learned from his time spent with Dean. Not everything was to be taken literally.

"So, I'll tell them the abridged, albeit boring, version of you two having rushed into this thing and figured you want different things out of life, the contention about your belief systems,- no don't look at me like that Castiel." he was scolded before he could even get the words of objection out.

"You know I have to give them something worthy to at least consider your actions honorable in some small way. Although personally, I still favor giving them some spiel about how she broke your heart cheating which would get our parents off your back for longer, because divorce on the whole is still a big fat no."

"No, Gabriel, we've spoken about this alr-"

"I know I know. It's just she probably wouldn't even care what our parents thought of her as she's not likely to ever meet them again, but I get it, your peculiar sense of loyalty. But be prepared that this will not keep them appeased for long. If at least I could tell them something positive with regards to your doctorate to distract them."

"Just tell them I will be done this summer and am in the running for the position in the history department when the professor retires next year. It is close enough to the truth at any rate."

"Ok, got it! And with regards to the house, I will contact you once I settled things with the bank."

Castiel nodded, his mouth  up into a small grateful smirk. "Thank you for that, again." He had no idea whether he might come to regret his decision to let his brother take over Amelia's share of the mortgage but for now it really was the only choice he had short of selling the property. They sat down one evening and worked through Castiel's accounts. Gabriel's background in finances came in handy and it quickly became apparent that in all reality he could not hold on to the house just on his assistant's salary. Gabriel had offered to buy out Amelia and see this as an investment opportunity (albeit one with a poor return as he had him know). Castiel was in no doubt that his brother was doing him a favor for whatever reason, and while he didn't like being indebted to him he also was relieved that he wouldn't need to worry about the house for now.

"Don't sweat it. Just make sure it stays in good condition, or well-" Gabriel waved his hand around, "keep on making your improvements, and for the love of god, get a bell!", flashing Castiel of his lopsided grins. "It was a pleasure, although the circumstances were less than desirable. I will try to sell the story to the best of my dramatic abilities, but no guarantees, so don't come crying to me if our parents turn up at your doorstep after all. In which case it would be very advisable not to have a half naked teenager run rampage in your house, unless you want to give them a coronary, that is."

Castiel groaned. Gabriel, naturally, had heard the commotion that afternoon between Dean and him, and perceptive ass that he was, picked up on the slightly strained atmosphere afterwards and had wanted to know what brought on the 'trouble in paradise'. Luckily he was in the dark about the exact details or Castiel would have been in deep trouble. He feigned ignorance, blaming Dean's fallout with his dad for the atmosphere. Thankfully his brother mainly held his tongue thereafter, the occasional snide comment aside. "Gabriel, again-"

"Yeah I know- nothing going on, potaeto, potato." Castiel glared at him, not liking the sarcasm in his brother's voice, at the same time trying hard not to let the guilt at the memory of how close he had been to making this statement a complete lie show. He must have succeeded as Gabriel rambled on. "Still, it is quite evident you two are currently off kilter. For whatever it's worth, he seems to really care about you- and I hardly saw the kid, which, bearing in mind how he used to be attached to your hip, is kind of telling. Unless you're implying it was my jolly presence that had green eye not show his face in the last two days."

That might have been a factor, Castiel rubbed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture. But more likely Dean was still mad at him for laying down the law. The boy had made it quite clear what he thought of this new arrangement he had enforced between them. But that afternoon had been too close a call. Castiel still couldn't put his finger on why had had allowed himself to get carried away like that. Not that it mattered because the bottom line was that, regardless of motives involved, it would not be Dean's reputation or future on the line should other people presume something was not kosher between them. Gabriel had been quite right in that respect.

And as much as Dean was very mature for his age, had to grow up faster than the average teenager due to life's circumstances, there was no denying that in fact he was still a kid, something Castiel had to keep reminding himself of constantly these days. He was but a boy limited in knowledge and experience and with a naïve romantic notion about love and attraction. That somehow it would be enough. But that was not living in the real world. And Castiel needed Dean to trust him on this even if he couldn't agree. It would be for the best, something Dean would realize soon enough when he would meet a nice girl, or boy, his own age and fall in love. He shouldn't be weighed down by some weird affection for an older guy who never would be able to return those feelings in a healthy way. Even if Dean was of age, their age gap alone would not make for a relationship on equal footing. And why was Castiel even contemplating this? What Dean needed him to be was a friend, someone to be there for him when life got hard, and that was all he could give him.

Plus Castiel needed to start addressing his own demons, find self-acceptance and maybe one day even love. God knew his closet (ha-ha) was full of skeletons that he buried there and had never dealt with. He clearly was confused at the moment and that must have been the reason for reacting to Dean's advances in a very unwholesome way. Because he never had those kinds of urges before and a man his age could not, should not, hold any romantic feelings for someone so much younger, Castiel kept reminding himself.

Gabriel cleared his throat, looking at him questioningly. Castiel must have spaced out on him for a second.

"Yeah, he probably got tired having to look at your face all day." Castiel joked, trying to smile despite his sobering thoughts.

The taxi blew its horn.

"Ok, I'll better be going or I'll miss my flight. As they say 'It gets better'," Gabriel smirked and pulled Castiel into a quick hug. He huffed but returned the hug, albeit somewhat awkwardly.

"See you around baby bro." Gabriel waved as he got into the taxi.

"Goodbye." Castiel watched the taxi drive off and retreated back into his house. It was way too quiet in here. He looked around at the empty space before him. He had changed so much over these last two years. In the past order and silence was something he valued highly, but now it was threatening to suffocate him. He had a few hours to kill until his meeting with Amelia to finalize the divorce proceedings before the papers got send off to their lawyers. With both of them in agreement this should be straight forward yet the reality of it filled him with dread. Castiel decided to head to the study, put on some music and work on his thesis. This was the one area he still had complete control over, and he would have to buckle down hard if he really wanted to finish by the summer. Also it always helped him to take his mind of things. Especially of how he had missed having Dean around these last few days, because that way lied madness.

#

Dean blew out a puff of air, watching the swirl of cold air leave his mouth before it evaporated, shuffling his feet along the frozen ground. The snow had cleared enough that school was back on and he was in a foul mood as he approached the building, had been for the last three days really. Ever since he had to crawl back home, swallow his pride and apologize to his father and that woman, who, much to his dislike, had still been in their house. Because as much as he would have loved to sulk and stay away, he really didn't have anywhere else to go and he didn't want to leave Sammy to his own devices, his brother had to come first.

Staying at Cas' hadn't felt like an option, well definitely not with his dick brother around, who still gave him the stink eye, like Dean was there to cause his brother bodily harm or something. Plus Cas seemed on edge around him and he had to admit that the feeling was mutual. Apparently, despite promises to the contrary, they were back at square one. Despite trying not to show it, Dean felt rejected, brushed aside. As much as his head understood that this was not the man's intention, he couldn't just turn this feeling off. He laid it all out there and made himself vulnerable, looking like a fool for having sounded so needy.

Dean needed some time off, to get some perspective about the state of their relationship, or a better word would be _friendship_ , as Cas insisted. At what point had that word started to feel more like an insult than a declaration of fondness? He remembered a time when he was over the moon at the man calling him his friend. He didn't want to ruin whatever was left between them, but also he didn't want to feel like this anymore. Dean hoped that things could be rebuilt to a simpler time with some effort. But this was something he would be unable to focus with the man right there in his face and the current state of his own fucked up family situation.

With no other choice, Dean had headed home and taken the subsequent being yelled at and getting grounded by his father on the chin. In fact he had expected way worse. His old man had never beaten him as such but that didn't mean Dean didn't expect this to happen one of these days. His dad seemed to be getting more irrational when he was high on alcohol and Dean increasingly needed to find new ways of tiptoeing around him while trying to keep Sammy out of the firing line.

He had no doubt that he was his dad's least favorite person but most of the raw anger seemed to have dissipated. Dean wondered whether part of that reason was that on a practical level his dad was not too out of it to realize he needed him around to look after Sam. Well, it appeared that Dean at least was good for something in his dad's eyes. At any rate, being forced to stay indoors suited him. He didn't really want to see anyone and it wasn't like he particularly had places to be. Subsequently, Dean sulked in his room with Sammy keeping him company in some form of unspoken sign of solidarity.

On top of all the other crap, because he just didn't deserve to get a break, his (now ex‑) girlfriend had bitched at him last night for ignoring her, just because he hadn't immediately replied to her texts asking about going ice skating. Well, he did have rather a lot on his plate, and it wasn't like he would have been allowed out anyway. Not that she knew about that, but still she should have just trusted him when he said he had reasons, and would tell her when he was ready. Trust was a big thing and Dean didn't have time nor patience for this clingy needy act, his life was complicated enough, and had broken it off in a fit of rage. He might have been harsher than intended but he had so much pent up frustration with nowhere to go, and she just pushed the wrong buttons. No doubt he would get an earful if he should run into her at school. Pam had always been temperamental and able to handle herself. But he would deal with it when it happened.

With the snow slowly receding, he hoped that life could finally go back to more familiar parameters. His dad was back at work or the bar, which hopefully meant there would be no more Audrey at their place. The house still smelled all wrong with the lingering scent of her too sweet perfume. Dean could go back to worrying about his brother and bills and how to pay for the replacement of the windscreen. It looked more and more inevitable for him having to get a part time job, most likely a paper route, if he was lucky enough to get one. He briefly had contemplated more unsavory routes, but couldn't risk getting into trouble and dragging Sammy down with him. His brother was smart and had a real shot at making something of his life. He needed Dean to keep him safe. In all of this, school work would have to take a back seat, but it wasn't like he would ever amount to much academically anyway. Real life concerns had to come first.

Having dropped off Sammy earlier, he walked through the gates of Healy South High, when the blowing of a horn caught his attention.

He jumped out of the way in time to see Phil give him the finger as he drove past, yelling something at him. Dean absorbed that new bit of information eagerly. Looked like Phil must have had his sixteenth and gotten a car, a new bright red car. One that was very easily spotted in the parking lot and a plan was starting to form in his head. He had not forgotten about the payback for Sammy, just was biding his time, and it seemed the time had finally come.

It took Dean just three days to work out the finer details. As much as he knew he was not made for academic achievement he was aware that the same did not hold true when it came to general ingenuity and life skills. Over the years he had to develop the ability to get creative in order to keep his little brother safe and fed. He had worked out the weak spots of the school parking lot, the areas that were not, or badly, covered by the two security cameras and when the timing would be perfect to pounce without being recorded. It might not be his preferred form of revenge (beating the shit out of the guy still was top of his list), but if he timed it right it would mean maximum impact with minimal risk of getting into trouble. If the dick cared for his shiny new car just a fraction of how much Dean loved the Impala, this would hurt him and Dean would make sure that Phil knew this little surprise was courtesy of a Winchester.

Friday morning it was grey and raining, washing away the last remnants of the snow. It was weird how the weather had completely changed over the course of one week but this suited Dean. The heavy rain would make for extra cover should the cameras pick him up after all. He had his non descript grey hoodie under his jacket and a similarly bland black beanie that he pulled tight over his head as he waited for the perfect moment to scurry across the car park towards the red monstrosity. He kept eyes on the surveillance cameras, watching them move, and when the moment was right he raced across, key in hand and didn't waste any time getting creative on the paintwork. Mainly he just defaced it but he couldn't help keying the word DICK in big letters over the passenger door before disappearing again around the corner and joining the rest of the students as they scurried between classes.

He passed Phil in the hall as planned and ran into him, accidentally on purpose, holding his hands up in silent apology, before smirking and leaning in, complementing him on his nice new car and saying what a shame it would be should something happen to it, just loud enough not to be overheard by anyone else. He then pushed him aside and headed to English, leaving a confused and pissed off looking Phil in his wake. Oh Phil would know, but he'd be hard pressed to pin this on Dean. It felt good to finally have payback for Sammy.

#

"Winchester!" Dean didn't have time to turn around before he could feel himself getting slammed into the wall of the school toilets. All weekend he had prepared himself mentally for this moment, yet he had a hard time keeping a smirk off his face as his body was pressed into the cold tiles.

"I know it was you." Phil snarled, a spray of spittle hitting Dean's side of the neck, from where the other boy was leaned up close, pushing him harder into the wall.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Dean feigned innocence.

"Like fuck you don't. I told the head it was you."

Dean just smirked. "Whatever it was. Good luck trying to prove it. Let me guess, you got nothing to prove anything."

Phil's face grew even more furious and Dean knew he was right. They probably watched the camera footing already. He guessed Phil must have gone straight to the head on Friday when school let out and he saw the present left for him.

"Oh, I find a way, don't you worry. Scum like you always end up getting what they deserve. And if all else fails, you can't watch your and your brother's back forever."

Oh he did not just- Dean pushed himself off the wall with such force that Phil, despite being taller and heavier, lost his grip. He grabbed the guy by his arms, and before the older boy could even process what was happening Dean had their positions switched, kneeing him and getting him in a headlock he had learned from his dad. When Dean had him immobilized he placed his mouth next to the guy's ear.

"Listen _very_ carefully, you or your brother ever get within ten feet of my brother and you regret they day you were born, you understand and it won't be child's play. I can promise you that."

When Phil didn't reply, just gritted out profanities under his breath, Dean tightened his grip, the adrenaline coursing through his body giving him the extra strength he needed.

"I said, DO.YOU.UNDERSTAND?"

"Yes," Phil choked out, trying to breathe, Dean's arm across his throat was slowly choking him.

"Good, glad we're clear on this." Dean let go of him and shoved him against the wall.

Phil coughed and spluttered, trying to get in some well needed air. "You're just some trash with a drunk dad from a crappy side of town and you will never amount to anything." He gritted as he picked up his bag.

Dean pinned him with his ice cold stare and took at step towards the other boy. "And what do you think happens to guys like you when they piss off people like me from _my_ side of town?" For once he could use the reputation of the crabby neighborhood he lived in to his advantage.

"Fuck you." Phil rubbed his neck before hightailing it out of the boys toilets.

Dean gathered his bag and the books that lay strewn across the floor from where he had dropped his bag when Phil grabbed him and joined the rest of his peers. His mouth curved into a small smirk. The confrontation went as well as he expected. He didn't have many things to be grateful for with regards to his father but some basic combat and self defense training he had taught him when he was younger was definitely coming in handy. He assumed the prick got the message loud and clear. Never piss of a Winchester.

#

Castiel blew his horn. Damn he was going to be late just because people have apparently forgotten how handle their vehicles in the rain. This person in front of him had been driving him crazy for the last five minutes, and he was stuck behind them on this small side road with no chance of overtaking. He was not usually one for road rage but it was ten to seven and he had promised Sammy to be there for his big performance. A promise he intended to keep at all costs, even if that meant some slightly hazardous driving, as he only remembered too well being a child and looking at the empty seat of an absent parent as work and church meetings had always been more important than to waste time on such mundane things as recitals and school plays. And he knew that the chances of the brothers' father turning up was small at best.

Sammy had been so excited to hear that apart from Dean, Amelia and Cas intended to come. Both Dean and he had been drafted to practice the lines with him, Castiel was sure he knew the play of by heart, backwards. But if this traffic didn't start moving, he would miss it. He only hoped his ex had had better luck making her way through town.

It was five past seven when he finally pulled into the parking lot only to find it full and having to park two blocks down, running back towards the school in the pouring rain, minus an umbrella which, to his dismay, he had safely stored away at home for a _rainy_ day. Castiel was certain he looked like a wet dog by the time he made it inside, dripping and panting from the run. He really needed to take up some form of sport. This sitting behind the desk all day was not doing him any favors. He decided there and then to look into that tomorrow. Castiel quickly walked down the corridor, giving the stern looking teacher an apologetic smile, before grabbing the program that was handed to him and making his way inside. The show had already started and he had no idea where Dean and Amelia were sat in the sea of people.

Thankfully Dean must have kept an eye out for him as he felt a tugging on his sleeve a moment later.

"Hello Dean" Cas whispered, trying not to draw attention to them.

"Hey, you're late." Dean rolled his eyes, grinning at the man. Cas' hair was dripping and his trench coat was brown not beige from being so wet. He had that particular nerdy look about him that Dean had come to associate with his friend. The usual tugging and tingling in his gut made itself known, but Dean valiantly ignored it. He had gotten better over these last few weeks. Denial apparently was the way forward, trying to keep things firmly in friendship territory as per Cas' request. "Come on, we're just over there, Sammy's year is going to be on in a few minutes."

Cas followed Dean to where Amelia was keeping watch over two empty chairs next to her. Cas gave her a small smile in greeting.

"Hey." They had met up a few times over these last few weeks and things have improved considerably between them. Still the sense of loss and guilt would take Castiel a long time to get over despite Amelia's insistence that she was doing alright.

"Hi Castiel." It was a short but honest smile.

Castiel settled in between his ex wife and Dean, shrugging out of his wet coat. It was the first time he ever was on the other side of a school play. He watched the faces of the proud parents around him, filming and taking pictures. Something he never really experienced and something Sammy hadn't either. He couldn't get his childhood back, not that it was bad as such, just void of emotions and lonely at times. But at least he could make sure Sammy would remember people in the crowd, proud and smiling.

Soon it was the younger Winchester's year turn. The play there were performing was actually written by the students. Something about a spaceship crashing on a weird planet and the subsequent shenanigans with the locals. Sam played the commanding officer and Cas had to say he was rather good. He caught himself mouthing the words, and noticed that Dean was doing the same. They shared a knowing smile of shared misery of hours of practice between them. Then Sammy broke out in song (how he managed to keep that secret they had no idea). Despite the very confident delivery, singing apparently was not one of his strong points as he was slightly off key. But it didn't matter because he was having a good time and people were cheering at the end of his solo, and Amelia and he and Dean were all there taking pictures on their phone and then Sammy's eyes found them in the crowd and for a second he couldn't keep the smile off his face before he continued with the play.

An hour, and some rather testing performances from the other years, Castiel will never forget how this poor violin was violated by that first grader, they all picked up a very hyped up Sammy from his classroom.

"Hey squirt, well done you." Dean put his little brother in a playful headlock.

Sam giggled and squirmed out of it, bee-lining for the two adults. "Amelia, Cas!" He beamed pouncing on them and hugging each in turn.

"That was great, Sammy." Amelia ruffled his hair affectionately.

"Oh god, I was so nervous and I had to sing! Did you hear me sing?"

"Oh we did," they laughed affectionately. "You did real well out there."

"Thanks, can't wait to do this again. It was awesome." His grin was in danger of splitting his face.

"Now, who's up for some pizza?" Amelia asked, full well knowing the answer.

"Meeee!" Sammy shouted excitedly.

"Ok, go get your coat and your bag, do you want to change out of your performance clothes?"

"Nah, I'll keep them on. Makes me feel like an actor."

"Sure, kiddo." Dean chuckled as Sammy disappeared into the crowd of parents and kids again, emerging a few minutes later with his coat and bag.

They all climbed into Castiel' car and headed for the restaurant where he had reserved a table. He promised to take the two brothers out for dinner, after checking with Dean that their dad would be ok with this. Castiel was under no illusion that most likely 'checking' amounted to Dean finding out what time their old man would be home and if they would make it back before he got in. Things remained chilly in the Winchester household, that much Dean had disclosed to him during the few talks they had over these last weeks. Also Castiel was pretty sure that he was not on Winchester seniors popular list after their last run in, if the way their father threw hostile glances at him the few times they set eyes on each other from across the street was anything to go by, so maybe it was better not to ask him outright.

Other than that, Dean had been rather cagey lately, and Castiel didn't much like this new distance but then he had asked for it in the first place. Only that he didn't quite mean that they shouldn't share their lives ups and downs anymore. But better too little than going too far.

Once they were seated in a nice cozy booth, table lit by a candle and decorated with some, rather cheep looking, flower display, they ordered a vast variety of pizzas and starters. Dean allowed Sammy to have a coke, fully aware that he will have to pay the price later, when he will have to pry the little menace off the ceiling. He thought it would be weird all of them here together, especially Cas and Amelia but they seem to cope surprisingly well and Dean was grateful they still took an interest in his little brother. He knew it would have broken his heart otherwise.

Dean was painfully aware that this was as close as he had to been to Castiel since that wrestling match and the subsequent fallout. Their legs were touching from where they sat next to each other and Dean could feel his pulse speed up. He tried not to focus too much on the other man, as when he did, his stomach would get all queasy, and there was free food to be had. Instead he showered Sammy with attention, making stupid shapes out of napkins and resisting the urge to press closer to Cas. He didn't need to embarrass himself again and get scolded by the older man.

The pizza was awesome, managing to take Dean's mind of things, because food- and soon they were all tucking into some dessert. Dean hadn't felt this full in a long time and he was sure Castiel had inconspicuously (or not so) loosened his belt a notch earlier. Ok, so he failed to stick strictly to his no gazing policy, especially when Cas' hands went _there_. Sammy was high on sugar and couldn't really sit still. He was monopolizing the conversation with stories of rehearsals and how he wrote the lyrics to his song and Dean could feel himself relax and leaned back into his seat. This felt eerily domestic and his skin was still tingling with the awareness of Cas' presence across the table, but all in all it was good.

Cas and Amelia got a good dose of Sammy's pester power when he discovered the couple of fairground type machines that were placed in the corner of the restaurant. Dean kept insisting that they wouldn't waste money on that, Amelia backing him up, but Cas was easier to break which his little brother worked out in about 5 seconds flat. After a long glance at Dean for permission, and Dean's response in form of an eye roll and a nod of his head, with a mouthed 'if you must', the man got up and took Sammy over to the machines. Deep down he was smiling that someone was spoiling his little brother, but he'd be damned if he let it show or Sammy might get the ideas.

Sammy was on his third try and getting slightly frustrated. Castiel didn't have the heart to tell him that really these games were designed for losing. He would let him have a few more goes, maybe he would get lucky.

"Hello Mr. Novak." Castiel turned around, coming face to face with one of the students from last semester. Something staring with "J" if he remembered correctly.

"Hello-"

"Jane. I was in your history class. Cute kid, is that your son?" She pointed at Sammy whose tongue was lolling out of the right side of his perched mouth in concentration as he worked the metallic arm back and forth, trying to find the perfect spot to plunge into the sea of cuddly toys.

"Sammy? Oh- no. He's- the kid of a neighbor. We are having pizza." He mentally slapped himself round the head, obviously they were having pizza, it was a pizza place. And did he really look old enough to be Sam's father? Well he guessed if he had him in his late teens it would be technically possible. God he suddenly felt old, not helped by his upcoming twenty-eight birthday and the knowledge that really he should have his life sorted out by now, _had_ had his life sorted, only to now having to do it all over again because he had been too scared to face the truth.

The girl didn't seem to clue in on his sudden pensiveness and giggled, her gaze shifting from inquisitive to something more predatory as her eyes quickly flashed down to Cas' left hand, noticing the lack of a ring there, and then back to his eyes. She adjusted her stance, smiling at him.

"So, no kids and- any other attachments?"

Cas gulped, his collar felt too tight all of a sudden. Was this girl trying to proposition him or was he misreading her? "Erm, no but-"

She smiled, leaning in a bit. "I don't know if it is entirely appropriate but as I'm not one of your students anymore, would you, like maybe, want to meet for a drink one day? I always rather liked you."

"Oh, I-" He had no idea what to say without hurting her feelings. "I am flattered but-" Her face fell a little. "I mean you are very charming but I just have this policy of not going out with students, past or present. Sorry."

"Oh well, you can't blame a girl for trying." She shrugged, before getting back to her table halfway across the room, where her friends gave her a compassionate smile.

Dean sat at the table brooding. His relaxed mood was replaced by tense muscles and a churning stomach. Stupid food. He had observed the whole come on by that girl, some guts she had just chatting up a guy like that. His stomach clenched painfully in a fit of jealousy. Which he knew was actually uncalled for as for one thing, she had the wrong equipment for Cas to go after, and also, more importantly, he had no right to be jealous about anything. No matter how much he wanted to, they were not a thing, but it brought the point home painfully that apparently he still wanted there to be and even worse, sooner or later he would have to watch Cas getting together with someone else and damn it, he didn't like that thought at all. He hardly registered Amelia's concerned glance at his sullen expression or when Sammy and Cas came back to the table. He didn't even notice his brother ranting about the 'shitty game' and Amelia trying to console him.

He felt a foot nudge him under the table and jerked his head up, being met with familiar blue eyes he had tried to avoid.

"Hey, are you ok?" Cas asked concerned. He couldn't help but notice the sudden shift in the boy's mood from a few minutes ago.

"Yeah, sure. I'm just really tired, I guess getting up early for the paper route is getting to me a bit." It was the first thing he could think of.

Cas pierced him with his gaze then, and Dean really, really wished he would stop doing that, as it made him feel things he apparently wasn't allowed to. "You really should not have to do this. I can see how exhausted you are and you have only been doing it for two weeks. I wish you would just accept my offer to pay for that windscreen."

"And I told you I have to do this myself. I just-" 'don't want to owe you anything'. That was what it really came down to, his sense of self-reliance.

"Dean, pride can be a two edged sword, it is not wrong to have it but it can stop you from knowing when it is ok to accept help."

"I just, I need to do this, it was my mess and I need to clear it up, I just need to- please understand."

Cas studied him, tilting his head to the side in silent contemplation and, seeing the sincerity in Dean's gaze, the almost desperate need to fix this himself, he nodded his head.

"Fine, but please let me know if you need help with anything else in the future."

"Ok, I will, I promise." Dean smiled up at the older man. At least if it had to do with Sammy. He would not be too proud to ask for help. But his messes were his messes.

Cas was still looking at Dean and knew that really he needed to look away, dwelling on the intrinsic workings of one Dean Winchester was not helping him keeping things strictly they way they needed to be. He nodded at Dean once again before bringing his attention back to Sammy, who was still complaining about the game to a very patiently listening Amelia.

By the time they left the restaurant, Sammy had cheered up again and was on a sugar high of epic proportions. Dean would have a hard time getting him to bed and prayed his dad would still be out. If not there would be trouble ahead but it would have been worth it. They dropped Amelia off at her new place before heading home to their respective houses. Dean sighed in relief when there was no sign of their dad being at home and he could just get his brother into bed without any added complications.

#

"I don't think I can go in." Panic stricken blue eyes stayed glued to the glass door from where Castiel was stood across the other side of the sidewalk.

"Castiel, you made it this far, there is no way you're not going to go in now. Don’t make me come down there!" He chuckled at the affectionate threat. "Now close you eyes and just take a deep breath and walk through that door, ideally after opening your eyes again." Amelia's stern but kind voice made him smile and relax.

He took in a big gulp of air, eyeing the door and the sign beside it warily. He had been pacing outside this building for the last ten minutes, feeling like a complete idiot, watching people of varying ages and gender walk through the doors, his heart hammering in his chest. He was sure he was about to have an anxiety attack.

"You're still not inside, are you? What are you scared off?"

Cas huffed. "I do not know. You know I am not good with people at the best of times and this, this is- I go through those doors and it makes it real."

"But Castiel, it _is_ real, has been real all your life even when you tried it not to be. And you need to find some support, get some answers. Come on, I believe in you. Just get in there."

Cas smiled despite his nerves, the warm April breeze ruffling his by now way too long hair and making his trench coat flutter out behind him. It was weird how Amelia understood him so well. It had been hardly six months since their break-up and it was eerie sometimes how, after a few short months of coming to terms with the new reality, they had fallen back into an easy kinship, almost to the point that friends wondered why they had ever broken up in the first place. Castiel was determined to tell them one day, but right now he still didn't have the courage.

Which was the main reason he was here tonight. Inside this building, bang in the middle of central Chicago, was the bi-monthly meeting of a local LGBT group, one that, of all things, was run by a church. The one Castiel had stumbled upon during his first attempts of research, which by now felt like forever ago. After weeks of deliberation, distracting himself with his studies, living through his twenty-eight birthday (including a surprise home baked cake by Sammy and Dean) and subsequent early mid-life crisis, topped off by his inner struggles, he finally decided to go and get some answers.

Castiel had reached the point of accepting his sexual orientation, he simply got too tired of fighting it. But now he had no idea what to do with that acceptance. If and how his life would have to change as a result. His head was full of stereotypical ideas and preconception about gay men, many courtesy of his family and their church, and he couldn't really identify with them. Maybe these people had an answer, might be able to tell him where he fit in all of this, and that he was not wrong, not some sick mistake, someone that needed fixing, like he had been made to believe about people like him.

He took one final deep breath. "Ok, going in, I am going to hang up now."

"Call me later." Amelia said before the line went dead.

There were people, too many people for Castiel's liking. He didn't know where to look or who to address. He shuffled awkwardly across the room, making his way towards the tea and coffee area. It was clear that people here all knew each other and he had a sudden impulse to just turn around and leave.

"Hey, I'm Alan." A guy approached him with an outstretched hand and warm smile.

"Castiel." He took the hand and gave it a firm shake, just like his father had taught him. A weak handshake was a sign of a weak man. Castiel chased the internal voice of his father away.

"Nice you meet you. Your first time here?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Nah, don't worry. Just that I pretty much know everyone who comes here. I help run this group. But we are always happy to see new faces."

Castiel smiled, feeling a bit more at ease.

"Why don't you grab a coffee, you know- make yourself comfortable. The meeting will start in a few minutes. We generally have a speaker for the first half and then it's open discussions and if you want you can to talk to someone one-to-one. After all we are here to support one another. I'm curious what your story is."

Castiel smiled warily, at bit unsure whether he was quite ready to share his story but then again he was here to get answers.

"Oh, I know it's hard talking about stuff. But believe me, we all have stories here, after all being gay and Christian generally doesn't mix all too well in this world. I guess that's why you're here at our group rather than at one of the others out there."

"I- yes, I guess I just need some answers." Castiel confided, feeling a slight flutter of hope that maybe he could learn to be happy with who he was, could unite these two seemingly opposite sides. This man was so relaxed and comfortable with himself, yet there was a hint of more about him.

Alan gave his shoulder a supportive squeeze. "Sorry, I have to get this meeting moving, but if you want we can talk later and I can introduce you to a few people.

"I would like that very much. Thank you." Castiel helped himself to a cup of coffee (instant, but just for tonight he would make a concession) and took a seat next to a couple of girls, introducing himself.

When he came home that evening, he was buzzing with excitement and a couple of new numbers in his phone of people who offered their support, and a listening ear should he need one. The whole evening had been a revelation. There were other people like him out there. He was, after all, not alone in this. As he got ready for bed, he couldn't keep a smile off his face. He had mostly been a quiet participant but just listening to other people had been really helpful.

That night was the first night in a very, very long time Castiel went to bed feeling hopeful. These people he met today had managed to overcome adversity, years of being treated like outcasts. Some stories he heard almost made him grateful for the lot he had been given. How any parent could put their children to something as gruesome as reprogramming he would never understand. Although he feared it wouldn't have been beyond his parents should they have found out about him while he was still underage.

Despite those thoughts, one thing he had taken away from tonight was a newfound determination to tell his family and accept whatever cost there might be. He knew at heart Gabriel meant well but how could he life his live authentically, maybe even find a partner, someone to share his life with, and then keep this from his family. It would mean he would keep on pretending, hiding part of him away, and Cas was not prepared to do that any longer. He had to start to think about his own happiness, lay the ghosts of his past to rest, maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now for the next chapter. I find myself in a real dilemma with regards to a certain aspect of it. Don't want to give too much away just that it keeps bugging me and I just can't decide what to do. If one of you awesome people would be willing to let me deliberate this with you (as I'm lacking a beta atm) and maybe help me with my indecision that would be awesome. Just message me or something.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly a big thank you to Spotty333 and D_Grade for helping me sort out my dilemma with regards to this chapter and letting me bounce ideas off of you. You both have helped lots getting my head in the right place.
> 
> Now I'm so excited what you all make of this chapter, as always an emotional roller-coaster lies ahead. Also, 8000 words?!?! These chapters just seem to be getting bigger.

He really had done it this time. His dad would without a doubt kill him once they arrived home. Dean huddled in the backseat of the Impala, his brother next to him looking just as downcast. Their father was in the front, eyes fixed on the road and steering wheel gripped tight within an inch of its life. Dean could see the tension in the man's shoulder, his whole body wound tight, like a bomb on a quickly counting down timer, ready to go off at any second. Yet John remained quiet. The silent treatment was the worst though. He'd rather dad would yell at him, get it over with already. But he had not uttered a single word since he'd dragged Dean out of the police station and into the car.

It was all a blur, like Dean was looking from the outside in. It felt like he was somewhat weirdly detached from himself. This was not happening to him, it must be some weird alternate version or reality.

Because he would have not believed himself to be quite this stupid, getting talked into taking a little spin with his friends without sparing a thought to the consequences or question the sudden appearance of the car. He was usually more cautious than that, tended to keep a level head. But in that moment he'd felt the thrill, just wanted to be carefree and stupid, feel like any of the other kids on a Saturday evening. His foolishness was helped by a small amount of alcohol courtesy of one of his friends dad's drinks cabinet, not that this fact made him feel any better or less like an idiot.

Dean was well aware that none of them were of legal driving age, but he had no idea that the actual car had been hot wired and didn't belong to anyone's parents. If at all, he could only be held responsible for not having asked the obvious questions. Ten minutes into the drive the police had pulled up behind them and they slammed to a stop. The others quickly jumped out of the car and ran, so he did as well on impulse, only he had been too slow and one of the cops chased him down into an alleyway.

Really, he didn't want to resist arrest but panic took over. The rest was just a blur of finding himself pinned to the floor and led into the police car in handcuffs, as he might have tried to wriggle free of the cop's grip on him, but again, anything after the run was kind of hazy.

No one fucking believed him that he didn't steal the car, that he hadn't even known it was stolen. They asked him to disclose the names of the other persons involved, but Dean remained stubbornly silent. He wouldn't give up his friends, he was no snitch, even though he had no idea if any of the other guys would have done the same. As a result of his non-cooperation he was being charged and his father was called to come and pick him up. Dean had been too subdued to even try and lie about his name and the police managed to track his dad down easily enough, getting hold of him at work, which Dean was positive didn't go down well with his old man. At least he didn't appear to be drunk when he turned up.

Dean spent what seemed like forever being detained in this damn interrogation room, while outside John was having words with the officers and then he was finally released into his father's care and sent home. Dean still had no idea what was being said or if and when he might have to turn up at the juvenile court or, more importantly, what the hell was going to happen to him now.

His brother, who had been waiting in the car this whole time, was throwing worrying glances his way ever so often but knew better than to speak with their father fuming in the front seat.

All too soon they pulled up in front of their house and Winchester senior motioned for his two sons to follow him inside.

"Sam, go upstairs and get ready for bed." Came the steely voice of their old man as soon as the front door closed.

"But dad, I-"

"I said go upstairs, _now_." Their dad's voice was shaking with anger, as he gritted out the words.

Dean could see Sammy was about to dig his heels in and gave him a small shake of his head. He didn't want is brother to be around for the inevitable shit-storm.

"To your room!" John ordered with no room left for interpretation and finally Sammy moved, not taking his eyes off his brother as he headed up the stairs.

Dean stood stock-still, straight posture, shoulders back and eyes straight ahead, despite wanting to crawl under a rock and die. But he wouldn't add to his dad's wrath by looking weak. He would take this like a man, like he had been taught.

His father stared at him for a moment that seemed to last all eternity, his eyes full of rage. Then, without warning, the shouting started.

"You stupid son of a bitch, what were you thinking?"

"I-" Dean started but was silenced with a wave of his father's hand.

"Did I tell you to speak?" John's voice roared.

Dean shook his head meekly, wanting nothing more than to look away, to have this happening to someone else, another Dean. But he was too scared to avert his gaze, so he willed his eyes to stay on his dad.

"No, you weren't thinking at all, were you? Stealing a goddamn car and getting in trouble with the police. Letting them snoop around our family business, tainting the family name. I can't even find words to tell you how disappointed I am. I'm glad your mother is not around to see this."

Ouch, this was worse than a punch to the stomach. Dean had to swallow hard to keep the tears at bay. Mom- mom would have been so upset if she could see what he had become. His father was right, he was a disgrace to his family, stupid and selfish. Dean just stared at his dad, not sure if he was allowed to speak yet, not that telling the truth or defending himself would do any good. It would just make the man think that he was a sissy for trying to evade responsibility for his actions.

His dad glared at him, a hand carding through his hair as he clearly fought hard not to lose it completely. He shook his head disapprovingly at Dean before he spoke again.

"Go upstairs and pack your bags."

"What?" Dean's voice wavered in panic.

"I said pack your bags. The only reason the owner of the car didn't press charges was because I agreed to send you off to a camp for young delinquents. And call yourself damn lucky that Bobby's wife has contacts or you would have ended up in one of the shitholes on the police's list. I'm driving you down tomorrow. Everything is arranged with Jody."

"But Sammy-"

"No _'But Sammy'_ \- You think I want you within ten feet of your brother right now? Want your bad influence to rub off on him? Damnit boy, that kid is looking up to you and this is what you teach him? You won't be allowed anywhere near your brother until you sorted yourself out. Disobedience, breaking windscreens, joyriding in stolen cars, what's next? And are you going to take all of us down with you? Think about your brother for fuck's sake. You need to take this kind of shit serious. Sam will be just fine here with me."

His brother, Dean was always thinking about his brother, how dared dad question this. That was exactly the reason why there was no way Dean was going to leave here without his brother, just no. He was the one who knew how Sammy liked his pancakes and when he was in a bad mood and needed cheering up. He hardened his features looking directly into his dad's eyes.

"Sammy needs me, I not going anywhere without him."

John took a step towards his oldest son, towering over him, his voice deliberately low, almost a snarl. "There are _two_ options, either you go tomorrow without a fight or I'll drag your sorry ass right back to the police station and let them file charges against ya. You have any idea what a criminal record will do to your future? Goddammit, you're almost fifteen years old and this ain't no Childs play. Now go and pack your bags, I can't even look at you right now. And don't get any funny ideas, I want you to sleep on the couch tonight.

John was about to head up the stairs when he noticed Sammy scrambling back to his room from where he was perched on the top of the stairs. Already his younger son was disobeying him just like Dean. He stopped and turned around. "Actually, wait here. You are to stay away from your brother, do you understand."

Dean made no move, just stood there, not knowing what to do or which way to turn. this was not happening, not to him.

"I said, Do You Understand!"

"Yes, sir." Dean replied, jolted into action by the harsh sound in John's voice. He swallowed back his anger, even as his hands curled into fists in helpless frustration. He felt like he was four years old, bile rising up as he fought the urge to throw up. What choice did he have? Get prosecuted for some shit he didn't really do and risk getting a record, that was not happening. Yeah he had been absolutely out of his mind getting in that car in the first place, even if it hadn't been stolen it was asking for trouble, but he did not steal it and would not be someone's scapegoat. Or he could spent his next who knew how many months away from here, from Sam, from Cas, getting brainwashed into being a 'good member of society' by some psycho crooks.

He was trapped, plain and simple. Their dad wanted him gone and he could kick and scream but his father was still his responsible adult and as such had the upper hand. In the end he had no one else to blame but himself for what happened. Maybe his father was right, he was just dim-witted and useless, not even able to stay out of trouble long enough to fulfill the one job that was expected of him, to look after Sammy.

John headed up the stairs, leaving him standing all alone in the hall. A moment later a duffle bag, followed by an assortment of Dean's clothes, was thrown down. Clearly he was not even allowed in his room he shared with Sammy anymore.

Renewed tears were starting to pool in his eyes, only the fear of his dad seeing him cry held them at bay as Dean bit the inside of his cheek in a futile attempt to stay in control. He picked up the clothes and stuffed them in the bag. If his dad wanted to make him feel like the piece of crap he apparently was, he succeeded.

His father's voice was reverberating in his head, all the times he told him he needed to try harder, to be better, to be a good role model for Sammy. Well he'd blown that, and he couldn't take that voice in his head anymore. He frantically worked his hands over his head. He wanted to just disappear, get lost and never be found, but he couldn't leave his brother behind. He had to find a way to convince his father to cut his stay short, god he didn't even know where he was going. His only ray of hope was that Bobby and Jody most likely wouldn't send him anywhere too horrible.

His anger turned to self-loathing and fear and Dean could feel his chest tighten as he tried to fight for air. He wanted to break something just to get rid of some of the pent up emotions he didn't want to feel. Anything to stop him from breaking down. His dad's voice in his head just needed to shut up. God, he just needed to hear something nice, a soothing gravely voice appeared in the back of his head, telling him that he was special, that he deserved to be happy. _Cas_. Dean tried to take a few steadying breaths, focusing on the memory of his friend's voice, and how in the past it had managed to calm him down, but he still found it hard.

Dean suddenly had the overwhelming urge to see the man. Despite some of their issues he was the only person, other than Sammy, who seemingly accepted him as he was, liked him despite or because of it and Dean needed to hear it, that voice telling him that he was not some useless waste of space.

He couldn't care less that he was disobeying a direct order from his father. Screw him, it wasn't like he could get into any more trouble, couldn't sink any lower in his dad's estimation. It must have gone way past midnight by now and his dad had pretty much abandoned him to his own devices, other than telling him he had to sleep on the couch. He pulled on his jacket and headed out the front door.

The lights were out at Cas' place, no surprise given the time but Dean banged on the door regardless. When nothing happened he banged louder, adding a desperate 'Come on Cas' under his breath. He would not go back home tonight, he'd rather sleep in the Impala if he had to. In a last ditch attempt he used both hands, the flats of the palms continuously meeting the wood of the door with force, harder and faster like everything was the door's fault, until his skin started stinging. At least the pain gave him something else to focus on.

The turning on of the light startled him. Exhausted he rested his head against the doorframe, a "Cas" slipping from his lips. The man must have heard it through the closed door, as a second later it opened and he stared at Dean, all tired looking, rumpled hair and clad in button down blue pjs.

"Dean, do you have any idea what time-" the rest of the sentence got lost as Cas took in the shivering form in front of him, shoulders hunched and eyes wide in panic.

"I'm sorry, I just- I can't stay there."

"What happened?" Cas could already feel a knot forming in his stomach, worrying about Dean and whatever could have reduced him to such a state at this time of night. His eyes scanned Dean for any visible marks or telltale signs, the last run-in with the old Winchester still vivid in his mind.

"I- he- he's going to send me away and I-" Dean started and stopped a few times, not knowing which bit to focus on first.

Cas stared at Dean in a mix of concern and shock. "What do you mean 'Send you away?"

Dean took in a deep gulp of air, seemingly unable to speak as he slowly curled in on himself, and that jolted Cas into action.

"Come in," he said while simultaneously placing an arm under Dean's and leading him inside.

As soon as the front door was closed, Dean flung himself at Cas, craving the comfort he knew his friend could give him. The man didn't hesitate to hug back, feeling the boy tremble in his arms.

"Sh, it's going to be ok." Cas whispered the platitude, despite having still no idea what this was about and whether it in fact would be ok. He had a strange and painful sense of having been here before, always having to pick up the pieces when Dean's father messed up. The one who should protect his son and make him feel safe and special, instead was breaking him down bit by bit. Just because he himself was broken. That was no excuse though and Cas could feel his temper rising, enraged on Dean's behalf but he kept it under wraps, trying to exude calm and comfort. It would not help Dean one iota if he lost it as well.

Cas' hand was running soothingly down Dean's back, pulling him closer, like he could shield him from the outside world. God he wanted to so badly. If he had any say in this, John Winchester could go screw himself and Sammy and Dean would stay with him or go live at Bobby's. The old gruff man seemed to genuinely care for these children, as the occasional telephone conversation between them had established.

He could feel Dean shake his head, mumbling something inaudible against Cas' chest, trying to breathe. With one final big gulp of air he let go of the man and started to frantically pace the length of the hallway.

"He can't do that, right? He can't just send me away like that. I have to finish the school year, right. And Sammy- who would bring Sammy to school and make sure he's fed, dad is working shifts or he's at the - he can't do that." Dean looked panicked as the words tumbled out of his mouth.

"Dean, maybe if you start at the beginning."

And just like that it came all tumbling out. The meeting up with his friends and having a drink and the subsequent not so bright idea of them ending up taking a spin in a stolen car.

"Cas, you have to believe me, I had no idea it was stolen. Really I did not know, please." Dean begged, still walking up and down the length of the hallway as he talked through wet eyes and snot, because for some reason it still mattered what the older man thought of him. Mattered more than what anyone else thought because Cas had always believed in him. Dean looked at the man beseechingly.

"Please, I would never do something that stupid-"

"Dean it's ok, I believe you." Cas replied, any frustration he might have felt at Dean's folly was dissolved by the way the boy looked like he already beat himself up plenty over it. And Cas had no doubt he had, and probably his father on top of that. He would not need another berating.

"I need you to calm down though, can you do this for me Dean?"

"I can't. Dad is going to send me away and if I refuse to go they will press charges and I might get taken away anyway or- I don't know. Cas I can't leave Sammy, what is he going to do without me. He needs me and-"

"Dean please." Cas all but begged as he tugged at Dean's arm who was still pacing like a caged animal.

At Cas' touch all fight seemed to seep out of him, he stopped and took in short sharps gulps of air.

"Take some slow breaths, you're hyperventilating." Cas instructed and placed a hand on Dean's chest, counting with him, and telling him when to breathe in and out.

"What am I going to do?" Dean gasped once he calmed down sufficiently.

"Unfortunately, this is beyond my ability to help with, but I can promise you that Sammy would not be alone, he will have me and, I'm sure Amelia. If you have no choice but to go, I will look after him. You know my door is always open for the both of you."

"I- thanks but I don't want to go-" Dean started to work himself up again, like a bull trying to charge through a brick wall.

Cas tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder, speaking slow and softly. "I know, but there is nothing you can do about it tonight. I wish I could help but this is not within my powers."

Reality and dread was slowly making themselves at home and Dean just crumbled to the floor, looking up at Cas with big pleading eyes, like somehow he could still make this all better. Cas' own chest was aching by now. He had no idea what to do, whether Dean should really even be here, or risk more wrath from his father by being out at this time of night. Although he could understand why the boy wanted to be out of that toxic environment for a bit.

He sat down next to Dean, shoulder to shoulder. "You know if there was anything I could do I would. All I can offer is my moral support. I have you know that I would talk to your father if I had any hope of that leading to anything positive."

Dean snorted at that. "Yeah, that would not go down too well." They stayed in silence for a while, sitting side by side on the cold wooden floor.

"Can I stay tonight?" Dean hesitantly asked eventually.

"I don't know whether this is advisable, would staying out not get you into more trouble?"

"I don't think I could get into any more trouble if I tried." Dean said with so much self-loathing in his voice, Cas visibly flinched.

"But if you don't want me to stay-"

Cas turned and pinned Dean with his gaze. How could he even think that that was the issue. "Dean, you know you are always welcome here. I am just concerned about what might be in your best interest. But of course if you d not want to go back home I understand."

"Thanks." Dean visibly relaxed against the wall and before long a big yawn escaped him.

"You look tired. Let me get the couch ready and I'm sure I can find some clothes for you to sleep in." Cas offered as he got up off the floor, pulling Dean up with him.

"You think I- is it ok for me to take a shower, I can still smell the stench from the police station on me and it kind of creeps me out. I make it quick."

"Of course, you know where the bathroom is, just help yourself to a towel and I will leave the clothes outside the door."

Dean smiled tiredly at Cas before making his way up the stairs and heading straight for the bathroom. He could feel his whole body aching from the stress and the being manhandled and the weariness that was now overtaking him. A long hot shower was just what his tired bones would need.

Cas, true to his word, placed a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt outside the bathroom door before getting a blanket and cushion to turn the couch into a makeshift bed. With the amount of time he had people sleeping in his living room lately, he should really consider getting a pull-out couch. He was milling the whole situation over and over in his head. But whichever angle he looked at it there really was nothing much he could do, apart from promise Dean that he would look out for his brother. Dean's action and the subsequent involvement by the police had pretty much maneuvered the teenager into a corner with little wriggle room. All he could do was make sure he could get some rest tonight and try to put his mind at ease.

Cas waited on the couch until Dean emerged from the bathroom, hair still dripping and clad in the pants and t-shirt that were slightly too big for his small wiry frame.

"Hey," he said sheepishly at meeting Cas' eyes.

"Hello, I just wanted to make sure you don't need anything else."

"I will be ok." Dean had doubt he would be but Cas looked exhausted and Dean didn't want to wear his friend out further          .

"Good, but you let me know ok, if there is anything I can do."

"Yes, I will." Dean agreed as he sat down on the couch, putting his clothes on the table next to it.

Cas turned to leave the room and Dean watched his retreating form, not wanting the man to leave but also not knowing how to ask him to stay. Then he was alone, the faint light from the streetlamp streaming through a crack in the curtain the only light in the room. The silence stretched painfully around him and he tried lying down and sleep but could not get comfortable. He just could not get his brain to shut up. 'Sammy' and 'What to do now' and ' Cas' going around in a loop.

Dean could feel himself starting to tense up again, miserably hugging the cushion in search for some warmth and contact. But it was a less than adequate substitute when Dean knew what his body really craved was but a few short steps away, resting upstairs.

"Fuck this," he mumbled to himself after another ten minutes of fighting with his internal voice of reason. He got off the couch, and started pacing again, deliberating whether what he wanted to do was a wise thing to do, because he had promised, and he tended to keep his word. On the other hand, this was no ordinary situation and he had no idea how his life would change as a result of this one stupid act, when he would even get to see Cas again, so what would be another stupid act on top of everything else. Plus he had offered- kind off. 'Anything else' he had said. Anything Dean needed. It was a feeble interpretation at best but Dean was willing to take it.

With the voice of reason sufficiently silenced a deep need started to unfurl in his gut and Dean allowed it. This combined with the distaste for feeling so utterly alone had him move. He slowly made his way back up the stairs and towards Cas' bedroom. The door was slightly ajar, as though the man had kept it open on purpose in case Dean would need him. A wave of affection washed over the teenager as he stood in the doorway, just looking at the sleeping form huddled in the bed, the mob of dark hair sticking out from under the duvet.

He just watched and drank it all in. Damn he had tried, he really had, but this feeling for the older man just wouldn't go away. Oh it became easier to deal with over time. Dean was learning to distract himself, but it had never disappeared. No matter how many girls at school flung themselves at him wanting to be the next in line to date 'Dean Winchester', and finding rather creative ways to garner his attention _and_ managing to hold it for a certain amount of time, his thoughts were never far from Cas. He even on one or two occasions considered to just try and get with another dude. See if it truly was something he would enjoy, the whole guy on guy action. But fear of getting found out and basically a lack of opportunity (and a small voice that told he could not do this to Cas, for whatever stupid reason) had kept him from getting too adventurous.

But right here and now, he was beyond tempted to just throw caution into the wind. Fuck promises, he needed Cas, that intense urge to know that there was someone here who didn't think he was a failure, to feel that warm body pressed against his own to remind him that he was alive, flesh and blood with feelings.

Without further thought Dean took the few steps over to Cas' bed and slowly lifted the duvet before as quietly and careful as possible, he didn't want to wake the man, climbed into bed next to him. And talk about déjà vu. It seemed like these small stolen moments of comfort was all that he was allowed.

Only unlike last time Cas stirred and Dean froze as he was met with sleep laden blue eyes blinking confusedly at him.

"Dean?"

"I'm sorry, I know I promised but please, don't send me away, I-" Dean babbled, his body half in and half out of bed.

Cas was alert in an instant, heart hammering in his chest. He knew, was absolutely 200% positive on what the right thing to do here would be. Well, right from the view of the world's perspective, from people looking from the outside in, without any knowledge of the needs and deeper workings of Dean. He needed to send Dean back downstairs to his own makeshift bed. But Cas was convinced that if he turned him away right now, it would shatter the boy completely. And even without that knowledge, the way Dean was looking at him, those green eyes full of hurt and need for connection of some sort, _and_ something Cas would rather not put a name to, he wouldn't be able to say 'no'. There had been too many of those moments in the boy's life where he lost someone or where people just kept pushing him around, pushing him away, and Cas would not do that to him. Not tonight, when Dean's world had crumbled.

"It is ok, you can stay." he said and shuffled over to the end of the bed making more room for Dean to get in.

Dean's eyes were full of gratitude as he sidled in next to Cas. His heart was pumping from where he had prepared himself for the inevitable ultimate turn down, and now picking up speed even more from the prospect of sharing the same bed with Cas.

"Thank you," he mumbled as tried to get comfortable.

Cas nodded his head and turned around, hoping against hope for sleep to find him again, and fast, before he could process what was happening here. He went rigid like a board when a moment later Dean was following his body and molded himself against his back, snaking an arm around his waist. He didn't do anything to discourage or correct Dean, and why the hell didn't he? But he kept his eyes screwed shut like that would make it less real.

Cas' body heat was electric and Dean pressed closer, needing more like a starving man needed food. He nuzzled his face in the crook of Cas' neck, feeling the short strands of hair tickling against his face, taking in the by now familiar and intoxicating scent of the older man. His hand started to draw small circles across Cas' stomach and he could feel the muscles tense and release under the fabric of his pajamas.

Dean's breath hitched just as a sharp exhale escaped Cas too, making his stomach jump. Dean felt every movement and ripple of muscles like it was amplified by a thousand and he craved more, wanted to know what Cas' skin would feel like under his hands. Cas seemed tense but didn't' tell him to stop and, encouraged by this, Dean worked his hand under Cas' shirt, fingertips skirting along warm skin, brushing along the trail of hair below the navel, shivering at the contact.

Cas' breath hitched, he couldn't help the groan escape him as his eyes flew open wide in panic. His hand shot out, grabbing Dean's wandering one and pulled it out from under his top.

"Dean, please-" he begged, voice breathless and close to breaking. "No touching like this." He needed all his resolve to get the words out because for whatever it was worth, he was only human and Dean's fingers against his skin had him yearn for more.

"Ok," Dean whimpered against Cas' neck, keeping hold of the man's hand and letting their entwined hands rest against his chest. Cas held on to the boys' hand like his life depended on it, and quite possibly it did because if said hand started to wander again, he did not know what he would allow it to do.

They stayed like that, their intermixed breathing the only sound in the room, any thought of sleep long forgotten.

God, he was going mad, to have the man so close but not close enough, their bodies were connected but there was still a distance between them, Dean could feel it. Cas still had his back turned and he had the overwhelming urge to see him, that face and those eyes that knew him so well and made him feel just for short moments like he really mattered. He knew he was playing with fire but he quite honestly didn't care. "Cas, please," Dean breathed out against the man's neck and felt a responding shudder.

"Please what?" Cas knew he needed to stop this now, should not even encourage Dean by acknowledging his request, whatever it might be. The hair on his neck stood on end where the teenager's breath ghosted over it.

"I- just turn around, I need to see you."

That Cas could do. He let out the breath he was holding and let go off Dean's hand and slowly turned over, coming nose to nose with the boy. Dean only gazed at Cas' face for a second before, without any hesitation, he cupped his jaw with his hand and leaned in, placing a soft peck on Cas' lips, moaning at the contact of slightly chapped lips against his own.

"Dean-" Cas pulled away slightly, a feeble protest trying to work his way out of his mouth but not quite making it.

"Cas, I need you, please-" And those were possibly the worst words Dean could have thrown at him, because how could he deny the boy what he needed. He only ever wanted to make Dean happy, to give him back some of what had been lost. Somehow along the way this desire got messed up into what it was now between them. Feelings a grown man should not develop for someone that young got involved. Whether they developed as a result of Dean's advances or whether they grew out of his very own desire he didn't know. What even was this here? They shared a special emotional connection despite their age difference that much Cas had to concede. But to engage physically, the thought alone scared the living daylight out of Cas. Every fiber was screaming at him that this was wrong and Dean was currently confused and generally not in a position to make such decisions, and frankly neither was Cas despite being senior in age. But- Dean needed- needed Cas.

A kiss! That was basically what the boy was asking of him. He could give Dean that, surely. People kissed all the time for all sorts of reasons, right? Ignoring the slippery slopes of his reasoning, Cas lifted his gaze, looking into those green eyes that he had come to appreciate so much. He let his eyes trail Dean's face, just making out some of the more prominent freckles in near dark, only interrupted by the faint light coming in through the curtains. Yes, he could kiss Dean, wanted to even, now that he felt stripped bare.

The older man tentatively placed his own hand on Dean's chin, letting his thumb trail along the outline of his bottom lip, marveling at the soft feel of skin, before leaning in and mirroring Dean's earlier peck, a gentle and soft press of lips. When he pulled away Dean smiled, and that right there was his kryptonite. He wanted to see Dean like that always, if he could help it. Cas leaned in again, Dean meeting him halfway until their lips met again. The boy eagerly grabbed him around the back of the neck and pulled him in closer, deepening the kiss and flicking out his tongue, licking along the seam of stubble framed lips.

Cas' mouth opened on impulse and his tongue met Dean's in a tentative brush. Dean moaned and shivered at the contact, this was so much more, so much better than the last one, because this time Cas responded eagerly. Cas' tongue, his lips, the stubble was tickling his skin and Dean wanted more. He was so painfully hard by just a few minutes of kissing, his whole body was burning up.

He pushed Cas back without breaking the kiss and the man willingly let himself be pushed into the mattress. Dean leaned over him, hand exploring his chest and shoulders, above the clothes as per Cas' request. But even like this he could feel the strength of the body under him. His mouth left Cas' in favor of nipping along his jaw and neck and then down towards the collarbone.

"Cas," he groaned, urging him to put his own hands on Dean's back, arms, neck just somewhere, anywhere He needed to connect with him.

Cas complied, albeit tentatively, and stroked up and down Dean's clothed back as his mouth found the boy's again an they kept on kissing. Small sinful moans escaped him, whenever Dean would do something new with his tongue or bite at his bottom lip. Dean wasn't an expert at kissing, not by a mile, but he had kissed a few girls before, experience that came in handy now. The rest he just made up as he went.

"Cas, please-" he begged the older man, who was still too hesitant as far as Dean was concerned. Apparently that did the trick as Cas with a whimper plunged his tongue deep into his mouth, claiming him. Dean felt himself being grabbed by the waist with two strong hands in a way that had him moan and shiver with pleasure, then getting hoisted up by Cas to properly straddle him across his legs.

Dean's already straining and leaking erection brushed against the man's muscled thigh as he was pulled up and that brief but overwhelming friction was too much. He could not have stopped it, even if he'd wanted to. He came, just like that, with a moan and a shudder, toes curling and trembling, convulsing on top of Cas. He fell forward burying his face in his friend's neck as the bliss of his orgasm and the terror and embarrassment he felt made his face flush bright red.

And god forgive him, just for a second, Cas wanted, desired, felt the overpowering urge to just hold on to the teenager's waist and thrust up, to follow him over the edge. It had been too long, his body telling him to keep going but then Dean's moans and embarrassed apologies pulled him out of his trance and he stilled his movements in shock.

"Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry, I- oh god-" Dean mumbled against Cas' ear and the man just pulled him closer, cursing himself for his own selfish desires.

"S' ok Dean, hey, 's ok." he shushed, holding Dean through the aftershocks while valiantly ignoring his own arousal, because now that the spell was broken he could not, would not go there. This was already way too far. He had allowed himself to feel too much, not sure why or how but fully aware that he had to stop, pull himself back from the brink. He couldn't, wouldn't blame Dean for his bodily reaction to what they were doing but he himself would not allow himself to descend further into madness.

Holding Dean, Cas took some well needed breaths trying to calm down. He could feel the first shards of dread trying to claw its way up from the deep pit in his stomach but forced them back down. Not tonight, he could worry and panic and hate himself tomorrow, tonight Dean needed him, even more so now, that he had literally come apart.

Dean did not want to move from his position, he felt safe here in Cas' arms but moreso he did not want to meet the man's eyes and see the possible condemnation or pity in them for what had just happened. Not that he could have helped it. He had no idea his body could be this responsive. Still things were getting uncomfortable, he could feel his boxers starting to stick, the mess in them turning cold and icky. So reluctantly he lifted his head and looked at Cas, who looked ten kinds of worried and broken, and shit, Dean had put that look on his face.

Cas saw Dean's face fall, already seeing the self-hatred in them and against his better judgment, because apparently he hadn't fallen far enough, he pulled the teenager down for a gentle kiss, knowing he did the right thing when he felt Dean relax and return the kiss with a sigh, despite knowing he was doing the absolute wrong thing. Dean quickly forgot the messiness in his pants as he just melted into Cas. His arms snaked around him drawing him closer. Dean rested his head on the man's chest, hearing his heart beat frantically against his ribcage and let the noise sooth him.

Dean groaned, not wanting to open his eyes. He was too comfortable pressed up close against a wonderful warm and strong body. But he thought he'd heard something.

"Shit," he cursed as the noise got louder. Someone was banging against the front door. Cas shot up at the sound of Dean's panicked voice, looking confused, like he didn't know where he was and what Dean was doing here.

"Open that goddamn door, Casteel!" A pissed of familiar voice drifted up.

"My dad! What time is it?" Shit, they must have eventually fallen asleep, without setting an alarm. By the sound of it, John appeared to be about ten seconds away from kicking the door down.

Cas scrambled out of bed so fast that he lost his balance and landed with a thud on his butt, his brain still trying to catch up with what was going on, and motor skills still leaving a lot to be desired for. But he had enough clarity to know that a pissed off John Winchester was never a good thing, and that seeing his son in Cas' bed would be like adding fuel to a fire.

"Get dressed, I will open the door and try to appease your father." He instructed and Dean bolted down the stairs to pick up his clothes from the living room, while Cas found his dressing gown and put it on, all the while the banging and cursing got louder and louder.

"Just give me a minute," Cas shouted down the stairs even as Dean raced back up and past him straight into the bathroom.

Cas made his way down slowly, needing every extra second he could get to compose himself. He opened the door, trying to look braver than he felt, but he would not be intimidated in his own house by this man.

John just pushed passed him. "I know my son is here, hiding like the little sissy he is. _Dean_!"

"I do not recall having invited you into my house." Cas took a step towards the eldest Winchester and stopped him from advancing further in.

"The fuck do I care? What's my son even doing here? Our family affairs are non of your fucking business."

Cas hoped he managed to keep his face neutral, trying not to show the guilt that was quickly working its way up his spine, cold like ice, at the sudden rush of memories of what had happened last night. Even if none of it had been premeditated by him, it did not absolve him of taking responsibility. But he could beat himself up about that later, find a way to do penance. Right now he needed to stay calm at the way this man acted in his house and towards his own son, despite such behavior making his blood boil.

"First, if you would abstain from calling your son such degrading names as 'sissy' maybe he would not have the need to go and seek support elsewhere and second, I will not turn away a friend when he asks for my help, and as I consider Dean a friend, his business is also my business."

"Whatever, I have no time for this crap. I should have left an hour ago to get to Bobby's in time. And if it wasn't for Bobby telling me that I can trust you with my kids I would have punched your face in a long time ago." He added with a snarl. And Cas wanted to shrivel up and die, words getting caught in his throat. He felt not worthy of the trust that the gruff old man seemed to place in him, despite only ever having the boys best interests at heart. Oh god, this was all so messed up, and he still was furious at the way John treated his son.

"You better come out now Dean, I mean it." Cas was left staring at the man. He knew there must be a decent person in there somewhere or at least there had been at one point, Bobby had told him as much, and Cas doubted the older man would be friends with just anyone.

"Or what? You not gonna send me off to reconditioning camp?" Dean's voice interrupted the male stare off as he slowly came down the stairs. Honestly, he rather hide but the real threat of his dad clocking Cas was what made him move in the end. He had put his old clothes back on in record time, minus the boxers which were ruined. He hoped Cas would forgive him for leaving them in his laundry basket.

"Don't get snippy with me boy! Now get in the car." John yelled before turning around and pushing past Cas, with a look of disdain as he made his way to the front door.

"I-" Dean tried to protest.

"I don't care, it will be the best for you in the long run." John went outside, stalking towards the Impala, where a nauseated looking Sam was already waiting in the back seat.

"Cas-" Dean chocked.

"Dean I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do. I- I will call Bobby to see how you are and try to see if we can get you back as soon as possible."

"Promise me you look out for Sammy, please." Dean could feel his eyes well up and quickly rubbed the balls of his hands over them to stem the tears. He wanted to say so much more, wanted to ask what last night meant for them but no words came out.

"I promise I will look out for your brother."

Dean grabbed Cas into a tight hug, placing one last brief kiss on the man's lips before, without another look back, he left and followed his dad like a lamb to the slaughter.

Cas was left standing alone and dumbfounded. Dean's brief kiss had his chest clench tightly. He already missed the boy but - oh god even worse, and he hated himself for even thinking it - but a small part, a devious or maybe rational part of himself, was glad he was leaving. Because Cas needed space, needed time to remind himself that he was not a pervert lusting after underage boys. Apparently he did not have it in him not to feel something more for Dean and quite possibly not seeing him was the only way Cas could get himself back on track, sort through his feelings and holding on to the good while exorcising the ones that he wasn't allowed to have, for both their sakes. Because in the cold light of day Cas was appalled at himself and he quite honestly couldn't deal with this on top of everything else. But now Dean was gone and maybe this was his chance to get out while he still could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, please don't hate me for leaving them like this. There's method in my madness.
> 
> That said, I am really interested in your opinions regarding this chapter (of course I always am, but because of its contents maybe a tad bit more than usual)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, again sorry that this took slightly longer than I had hoped for but finally I am happy with the chapter. And many thanks to Spotty333 who has kindly volunteered to be my new beta and has been a great help in getting this chapter out.
> 
> And I just feel I have to say that all the tags are there for a reason, can you tell I'm nervous for giving you this chapter. Hope you enjoy it anyway :)
> 
> Edit: I think I need to point out specifically that the last bit of the story has a very short scene of mature Cas/OC in it, so if that is not your thing, maybe you should skip after the last # and also it has an ever briefer mention of Dean/OC but it is a kind of blink and you miss it moment. Hope that covers it all now.

"What about the green one?" Castiel held up a big woolly turtle necked jumper, waving it in the general direction where he assumed Sammy to be.

The boy's head popped out from between a rack of clothes, eyeing the jumper with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

Cas promptly folded the jumper and put it back on top of the stack with all the others. "You know you can tell me when you do not like something." He chuckled. "I know my taste might not appropriately reflect the taste of a ten - oh sorry - eleven year old."

Sam's chest puffed up proudly at the mention of his age. Eleven, he liked the sound of that. It made him feel all grown up.

Castiel had taken him shopping for his birthday, said Sam could choose whatever he wanted (within reason). But Sam was not fooled. He knew that really this was a covert operation of getting him some new clothes without making him feel like a charity case. The weather had turned cold early this year, and October was mainly just a stream of bleak and rainy days, with the occasional storm thrown in the mix. And truth be told, Sam knew he could do with a few new warm, and more importantly fitting, clothes and had accepted his 'present' eagerly.

There was only so many ribbings one could take at school over the length (or lack thereof) of ones jeans, but Sam would be damned before he asked his dad for money for clothing. If he would be doing his job as father at least half heartedly, he should have picked up himself on the state of his son's wardrobe. As it was Cas seemed to know more about his needs than his DNA donor, and while out shopping on more than one occasion people had mistaken him for Castiel's son. Something that made Sammy feel all gooey inside. It was like he could pretend for a while to be a normal kid with a dad who actually cared. His own father's half-hearted attempts to fill the space Dean left behind had lasted but a few weeks and even then it had been with varying degrees of success. Sam had only realized then how much his older brother actually did cover for their dad's lack of involvement, and really he should have not been Dean's responsibility like that.

As time went on, things deteriorated even more. 'Work' (John got fired and eventually acquired a new job, a few weeks Sam would rather forget) was taking up much of his dad's time. Also Sam was not naive enough not to know that a fair amount of evenings were spent at some bar somewhere, parting with money that would be much needed for paying the bills. However, unlike Dean he was tired of making excuses for his old man and there had been more than one shouting match as Sam called his old man out, which generally ended up with him getting grounded but nothing improving otherwise. So eventually, he decided to just suck it up.

On top of that there was a new woman. Audrey was a thing of the past. Now it was Mandy, and she was muscling her way into the Winchester household, trying to buy Sammy's affection with cookies and sweet talking and Sunday dinners which his dad insisted he attended. The younger brother could well imagine what Dean would make of this new development. Some days he just couldn't stand being in his own house and as a result spent more time at Cas' these days than at home. Cas even presented him with a key so he could let himself in whenever he needed somewhere warm to stay or just wanted a quiet and warm place to do his homework.

He generally didn't bother to turn up at his own doorstep after school any longer but headed straight for Castiel's place, only going home when he knew he would get into trouble otherwise. Despite, not generally caring too much about his whereabouts, his dad still kept a close eye on his bedtime routine, almost with military precision, quoting a growing kid needed his sleep. Like that would make up for the lack of nutritious food or electricity in the house, or his distinct disinterest in Sam's school work. But no it was all barking orders or nothing.

Sam shook his head, he would not let his mood be dragged down by the gloomy ethereal presence of his dad. The day so far had been pretty near perfect, the only thing missing was his older jerk of a brother, but Sam had had enough time to accept the fact that it would be a good few months more before he would see him again, and like it or not, life had a way of just continuing. And today was his birthday, and Dean had been allowed a phone call from Riverside Springs to congratulate him. It had been the first time in almost four months that they had spoken. Apparently this camp operated on a strictly no contact with family in the first phase of their rehabilitation program.

Dean had sounded so different, voice rougher around the edges and spent most of the time telling him how he joined the basketball team at his new school and was actually rather good at it, and how Sammy totally needed to come and see him play. Sam hadn't liked the sound of that, like Dean was expecting to stay there for good but then his older brother had assured him that he would get out of there soon, that he was playing by all their rules and that Bobby was checking in regularly and Sam's mind was put at ease. Dean hadn't forgotten about him.

Cas smiled at the boy, holding up another jumper, this one a dark blue one with a v-neck and it looked rather cozy and the color was not abhorrent. Sammy nodded his head and gave Cas a thumb's up, watching the man add the jumper to the growing pile of clothes. Shopping bags from their earlier trip to the electronics store rested against his feet. There were some games in there and a cell phone. Nothing too fancy but Cas had insisted he get one so he could stay in contact with people. The 'should you need to get hold of me in a hurry' was implied. Sammy relished the gesture though, and couldn't wait to get home to unpack it all.

First they would meet up with Amelia though to go to the cinema and Sam couldn't remember ever getting this spoiled on his birthday.

"Ok, I think this should do," Cas eyed the pile in his arm, two pairs of jeans, two shirts, a jumper and some warm socks, that should see Sammy through the worst of the weather for now. Although the jacket he was currently wearing looked very snug on him. Maybe he could get him a proper coat as an early Christmas present at some point, although Sammy wasn't quite as averse to accepting help as Dean so he might get away with just buying him one soon.

Just then Sammy appeared with another t-shirt in his arm.

"Look, this is totally awesome." It was a plain black t-shirt with a big print of a pumpkin with a big black 'pie' symbol in its middle.

Cas couldn't hide his smirk, thoughts briefly flashing to Dean and his like of the sweet pastry. He was sure Sammy' brother would approve of the shirt and on top of that would tease him relentlessly about it. Cas already knew he would not be able to say no. Apparently he still had not improved on raising his resistance level to the younger Winchester's puppy eyes and sheer juvenile enthusiasm.

"It is very fitting." He stated and took the shirt out of the boy's hand. He needed to go and pay fast before Sammy discovered any more 'awesome' shirts. This day's activities would put a serious dent in his wallet as it was, but he knew how to survive on Ramen noodles and toast for a few weeks. Who ever said student life didn't teach you some valuable life skills. Sammy needed clothes more than he needed his fruit and veg and Cas would rather buy them for him than confront his father about his lack in parental duties. Call him a coward but this way was far more productive and less likely to cause a big scene. It wasn't like he held out much hope for money to be had from the old Winchester anyway. He was well aware that it had mainly been Dean who kept a reign on whatever household money was available. He did not really expect Sam to be able to do the same at his young age. Then again, he knew that Dean pretty much held what was left of his family together since his mother died and he couldn't have been older than 10 at the time.

Cas felt a pang of regret and anger at that, knowing there was nothing he could do to change the past and right now there was not even much he could do for the boy in the present. And now he couldn't stop thinking about Dean. All he knew via Bobby was that his young friend was well and after struggling the first few weeks seemed to have turned a corner and settled into his new temporary home. He had not expected for the older man to keep him informed, but it was gratefully received. He missed the teenager, of course he did. At the same time he undeniably needed this time apart to clear his head, to think and to pull himself back together. It had taken him weeks to not feel paranoid after that night. He felt like everyone who looked at him knew, judged him quietly and more than once he had woken up in the middle of the night, sweating, heart racing and convinced the police would burst through his front door at any second, arresting him like the perverted molester that he was.

It had taken some time, but eventually he was able to make peace with himself, he could not change the past and had to move on, reframe Dean in his mind as just a boy, a friend and nothing more. It seemed to work, he didn't miss Dean's presence quite as much anymore. No that was a lie, he did miss the boy, his company, the way he smiled so genuinely and could make him smile in return and have him come out of his shell. _But_ he didn't miss the confusing emotions that came along with it. Now with the time apart he was able to rationalize, talk himself down from the brink of any unhealthy feelings. He had chosen that instead of missing Dean he would focus on keeping his promise of looking out for his little brother and work on his own issues.

"Here, all yours," Cas said once he paid, thanking the very nice and polite sales assistant, who seemed to be swooning over Sammy. He handed the bags of clothing over for the boy to carry.

"Thanks Cas." Sam beamed and felt like a million dollars carrying the variety of bags back to the car.

Amelia was already waiting for them at the cinema, tickets and popcorn in hand. She engulfed Sammy in a big hug and the boy let himself sink into it. Now here was someone he wouldn't mind to have as a step mom, although her and his dad, yuck, just no, that would be so wrong! Sam looked at them both and smiled. He still felt sad at times that these two had to break up although he understood the reasons, at least he thought he did. He had no idea why, not that it was spoken about at great length at home or at school, but he firmly believed that people just were who they were and lying about stuff generally just made everything worse. So Cas liked dudes and that was the end of it. At least he and Amelia remained good friends and still cared for him.

The film was awesome, Sam was high on coke and sweets when they finally arrived back home. He saw the light was on across the street in his house but as it wasn't his time to be expected curled up in bed yet, he ignored it, instead following Cas inside and spending the next hour going through his stuff, and setting up his new phone. He took a picture of Cas (it took him five tries to get one where Cas looked at least remotely like he was smiling and not just bearing his teeth) and added him to his contacts.

Sam was still buzzing when he finally crawled into bed, after a tense 'where have you been boy' from his dad. But even that could not spoil his mood. He had such a great day he couldn't wait to tell Dean all about it. In lieu of any telephone contact, Sam had started to keep a diary, telling his brother about things that were going on in his life. Maybe he would actually let him read it when he'd get back.

#

**'hi'**

**'hello Sam'**

**'this thing is fun'**

**'I am glad you are enjoying it'**

**':-)'**

Castiel was just about to put the phone away when if vibrated again.

**'heellooo'**

He rolled his eyes, smiling affectionately, Sammy sure enjoyed his new toy. But Cas did not really have time for idle texting as he was about to head to his next lecture and put the phone in his pocket. He felt the phone buzz a few more times while he tried to outline the benefits of actual revision to the student body in front of him.

Now that he was a fully qualified and certified Ph.D he was able to pick up a few more hours teaching every week, which is bank account was grateful for. But really he was biding his time until he could put his name into the hat for the tenure that he knew would become available at the end of the next academic year. In the meantime it was a lot of groundwork, sucking up to the right people, bending over backwards for the current professor who would no doubt have some input in his successor, and generally keeping a high profile. His final work had been well received and got him some recognition in the field but this 'people' business was really not for him. He had come a long way since his awkward beginnings but being sociable just was not his natural default. To put it plainly it was damn hard work.

Later that day he sank into the softness of his couch, a mug of steaming coffee in his hand just like he loved it. His head was spinning from too many people asking too many questions and he enjoyed the silence, closing his eyes. The buzzing of his phone pulled him out of his blissful state of daydreaming and Cas internally cursed himself for not having taken it out of his pocket. But now that he knew he had a text he also remembered the earlier messages he hadn't read yet, and suddenly the phone was burning a hole in his trousers. He fished it out to check. Five missed messages from Sammy, the last one sent just now. He chuckled around a mouthful of coffee, maybe getting the boy a cell phone would come back to bite him in the proverbial.

**'call me'**

**'CAAAAS'**

**'please, I want 2 chek out my new ringtone'**

**'hi'**

**'oh poop'**

Castiel snorted the coffee up his nose, damn that burned. He contemplated whether to ring him back or let him steam for a bit longer. Checking the time he decided to wait, Sammy should be back from school soon and no doubt would give Cas the exclusive and extended experience of all the new noises he had to have his phone make.

#

Dean's leg seemed to have developed a life of its own, bouncing up and down restlessly while he had to endure yet another circle time. It was really all he could do to not just run out of here or throttle that happy clappy annoying group leader. If he had to sit through many more of these positive affirmation crap groups he would find a bridge and throw himself off it. Yet outwardly he was smiling and nodding his head. All part of the game for his ticket out of here. Because despite having grown to like certain aspects of his stay here (some of the guys were rather cool) and to his surprise finding that he actually quite enjoyed team sports and was doing rather well at his new school, his real focus only ever remained on returning back home as soon as he could. His younger brother never far from his mind.

Sometimes he still couldn't believe he ended up here. What were they even thinking sending him to a place like this? And _'here'_ was a place that Jody had considered good enough for him to be shipped off to. His body gave an involuntary shudder at the thought what the other places must be like. Because if they had believed him to be corrupted and a threat to society before coming here, he could tell them a thing or two about getting corrupted. He had learned more about illegal activities in the five months here than he'd ever thought possible.

Some of these kids were seriously disturbed and even scared him. Robbery, drugs, causing bodily harm and hustling just to mention a few. He kept away from the really rough guys mainly for reasons of self preservation. Some of his fellow 'in-mates', despite only being 16 or 17, were built like tree trunks and not to be messed with. But the rest of them weren't half bad. Thanks to his new friends he got pretty good at poker and picked up a few new tricks like immobilizing a person should the need arise and even an introduction to pick-pocketing. Dean's finger were getting more nimble at extracting things out of other people's pockets. It was mainly a game they played during their down time, so no real harm done. He also started to smoke the odd cigarette. Again, it was something to do on a Saturday night after light's out when the leaders finally stopped monitoring their every move and a rather passive aggressive way of flipping them the bird without a too high chance of getting caught and being forced to 'talk it out'.

Right now he was on his best behavior because he really, really wanted to be allowed home for Christmas, or at the very least have his brother be allowed to visit him down here. He'd much prefer to go home, if possible for good, because what good was seeing Sammy only to leave him again. He knew very little of what was actually going on back home thanks to this stupid 'no contact' rule, but at least these days he was allowed a short phone call every week. Not that Sammy told him much about how things _really_ were, but he gleaned that he spent a fair amount of time at Cas' place and his mind had no problems putting one and one together and arriving at the conclusion of their dad not stepping up to the plate.

And Cas- right there was another reason why he wanted, needed to go home. The sheer physical and mental pain of being so far removed from the man had faded but he still missed him. On top of that he had no idea where they stood and it had been driving him mad for the first few weeks. He eventually had accepted that there was no point of worrying about it and had gotten back to his well-established routine of trying to ignore his feelings for the man, or more to the point, ignore feelings at large. What good would feelings do him in a place like this? If anything they made you look weak. There was literally nothing he could change and too many emotions only dragged him down. So he neatly shut this part of himself down, finding new, sometimes rather exciting, ways of distraction.

Apparently he wasn't half bad looking and when at school or out and about started to receive rather a lot of attention and he started to roll with it, use it to his advantage. His looks and smile had gotten him more than a few freebees and favors from waitresses and store clerks. He wasn't looking for anything serious of course, mainly flirting, being as he was planning on getting out of here as soon as possible but the attention was pleasurable and made him feel good, a feeling he was in desperate need of more of.

He even had his first real sexual encounter of sorts. A memory that still made him flush and his blood rush down south. Having someone's mouth on your dick was the best possible feeling in the world he had decided that evening, when the leaders had taken the group out for dinner. A waitress, who had taken a liking to him, took him out back and offered to 'blow' him because he was 'cute'. And damn, he'd just wanted to know what that felt like and yeah, he barely lasted three minutes and was rather ashamed of that fact but she just smiled, tucked him back in and gave him a messy kiss with his cum still on her lips.

The buzz had lasted about half an hour before he had felt empty, even as he was surrounded by about fifteen people. There were no warm arms that engulfed him or fingers carding through his hair and with his guard down he had allowed himself to miss Cas for the first time in weeks, flashing back to the night where he'd lied curled up next to the dark haired man, remembering what that felt like. Luckily by the next day he had himself back together again, no schmoopy feelings dragging him down, and might have actually bragged a bit to his friends about that waitress. Of course they pulled his leg about him making it up but high-fived him regardless.

Now with mid-terms out of the way, his main focus purely lied on finding a way of convincing these goddamn counselors and leaders that he was a fully rehabilitated member of society so they would let him go home.

#

"Damn, boy, would ya keep still for just one minute. I can feel you vibrating out of your skin from all the way over here, which is impressive as we're - in a moving car ya know!"

"Sorry Bobby, just I'm so excited. I can't wait to see his face."

"Still don't know why you insisted on coming up a day early and not tell your brother but I'm sure you got your reasons."

"Told you, I just want to see the look on his face. God, I really can't wait."

Bobby just shook his head and Jody chuckled in the seat next to him. "As long as you don't make this car take off with the way your leg is going." Bobby rolled his eyes in the rear-view mirror.

Damn, Dean might have picked up a proper tick from his time at camp. He concentrated very hard for the rest of the journey on not moving his legs, and ended up having the mother of all cramps when they eventually arrived and he had to get out of the back of Bobby's old pickup.

Bobby and Jody got out the front and equally stretched their legs. They had made it here in good time, going without a stop over as they shared the drive. Luckily the weather hadn't been too bad for December. Dean still couldn't believe it, he was out of that hell hole for now. He stared at his house, then down the street and finally came to rest at the all to familiar house across the street, seeing the light on in several rooms. He really was home. Not that it was thanks to his dad. If it were up to him he would have spent the rest of the academic school year at Riverside Springs. Thankfully Bobby convinced him that he had learned his lesson and was ready to go back, and the counselors, thank god, agreed. The old man spent a good few afternoons talking to him, pointing out that he had no trouble driving up here to kick Dean's ass himself if need be. But it was said with so much hidden affection that he couldn't really be mad at the old gruff. At least Bobby cared.

Dean made the short walk to his door and knocked, having had to leave his key behind. It made him feel weird, like a stranger, like he didn't belong. There were no lights on inside and no one came to answer the door. Dean's next guess would be that his brother was at Cas'. Where his dad was he didn't know nor particularly cared for, although he had to admit that a small part of him, a part that still remembered the man that used to take him out to play football and buy ice-cream, had missed him.

He gave Bobby and Jody a quick wave with a mouthed 'no one in' and pointed in the direction of Cas' house before he made his way over. His heart was pounding faster and faster in his chest, his stomach suddenly twisting itself in knots. He had not really let himself think about the moment when he would see Cas again. It had been a long eight months. Now it was suddenly imminent and Dean felt a whole bag of mixed emotions coming to the surface. Damn he had been so good at keeping this stuff down. But suddenly he was goddamn nervous about seeing the man again, felt excited but also hesitant.

He knocked on the door and waited, putting his best practiced grin on and kept his fingers crossed that it would be Sammy opening the door. He still wanted to see the look of surprise on his brother's face.

The door opened after a moment and a man Dean had never seen before was staring at him.

"Can I help you?"

"Who the hell are you?" Dean burst out before he could control the words. The man just raised an eyebrow.

"I could ask you the same thing." He sounded amused.

"DEEEEEAN!" Before Dean could process, he had an armful of brother, literally climbing him as he hugged him tight. Dean chuckled as his own arms wrapped around Sammy, lifting him off the ground.

"God, you put on some weight." He laughed.

"What you're doing here? I thought you wouldn't be here before tomorrow?"

"Yeah, well- that _look_ right there" Dean pointed to Sammy's confused face. "totally worth it."

"Jerk," Sammy giggled, giving his big brother an affectionate shove.

The man in the door cleared his throat, looking between Dean and Sam.

"Oh Alan, this is Dean my idiot brother. Wasn't expecting him until tomorrow as you might know. Dean this is Alan, a friend of Cas'."

"Hi" Dean said, eyeing the man suspiciously. He looked nice enough but still Dean was unnerved.

"Speaking of-" he tore his gaze from the man, "where's Cas?"

"Upstairs in his study, drawing up his lecture plans or something." Sammy provided and Dean didn't wait for anyone to invite him in but pushed past Alan and headed straight up the stairs. Now that he was here he couldn't wait. Memories flooding every sense of his body. The house had that familiar smell about it. Something Dean hadn't even noticed until right now. His heart was beating double by the time he made it to the door, which was shut. Dean debated for a moment whether to just charge in or knock first. Damn, his hands were clammy and he nervously wiped them against his jeans. He honestly had tried not to think too much about this moment. What would it be like to see Cas again? Would he still invoke the same myriad of feelings as before?

That question was swiftly answered when he opened the door, after a brief knock to announce his presence. There was Cas, like he remembered him, perched over the desk, wearing his glasses, pen in hand, and staring at him in complete shock, and Dean couldn't breathe, yet his face sported the biggest grin possible.

" _Dean_?" Cas had trouble believing his eyes. He had not expected the boy until tomorrow.

"Hi" Dean replied almost sounding shy, standing in the door just taking in all of Cas. God he looked so good. His mouth framed by the usual scruff and those blue eyes just as piercing as he remembered.

"It's - ah, hi." Cas stammered as his eyes raked over Dean. Eight months. It had been so long since he last set eyes on the boy. And damn, Dean must have had a growth spurt or something. He had always been on the pretty side but now, Cas couldn't tear his gaze away. His face has definitely matured, the features starting to resemble that of a man, and he has filled out a bit, probably due to the basketball. His eyes still were that familiar and bright shade of green. Cas had to swallow hard. Damn, he was completely frozen, even as he got up off the chair and trance-like walked towards the boy, coming to a stop just before him. Dean also had grown, Cas couldn't help but notice, almost standing as tall as him now.

Dean was sure he was going to implode any second now. He had obviously been kidding himself into thinking his feelings for Cas were in any way or form lessened. They just had been dormant, subdued by their physical separation. He didn't know what to say and Cas still looked at him like he had seen a ghost.

"Cas, god I missed you." Dean exclaimed and grinned before without any further warning surged forward, grabbing the man's head and sealing his lips confidently over Cas' own. If he had learned one thing while away, it was how to kiss.

Cas jumped at the contact. Really, he shouldn't be surprised, Dean had that look on his face just before he closed the distance. On instinct Cas' hands came up and wrapped around the boy as he felt Dean's tongue probing at the seam of his lips. His body shuddered as he let out a low moan and opened his mouth, meeting Dean's tongue with his own. The boy kissed him almost aggressively and Cas' head was spinning, as he tried to keep up with the ferocity of the kiss.

"Bobby, Jody!" Sammy's voice drifted up from downstairs and pulled Cas out of his stupor. He pulled away from Dean with a gasp and put his hands on the boy's chest to gain some distance. There were people downstairs. Bobby of all people, who had so much trust in Cas, and Alan, oh god, what was he doing?

"Dean, please." Cas whimpered, looking imploringly at the beautiful teenager in front of him. This was not happening, not again. He had believed he had gotten over his little unhealthy infatuation. Yet it only took less than a minute before he gave in.

Cas, what-?" Dean had trouble catching up to why they were not kissing anymore. Something he didn't very much agree with by the way. Cas pressed against him, kissing him, was what he had missed and he intended to rectify the lack thereof immediately by leaning in again, grabbing Cas round the waist to pull him in again.

"Dean, stop," Cas begged, trying to sound a bit more forceful while still keeping his voice low. His head was reeling, Dean was too close.

"Cas, why? I missed you." Dean's eyes searched Castiel's, confusing written over his face.

"Oh god," Cas groaned. "I, we-" He was shaking by now, from the sudden onslaught of emotions.

"Cas, you have no idea, damn-" Dean buried his hands in Cas' shirt, pulling him in again and just for a second it appeared that Cas was letting him. He felt pliant against Dean's body, head resting on his shoulder, his breath coming out in short sharp gasps. Low murmurs were still being heard from downstairs, as Castiel tried to pull himself together, tried to think of the right words to explain himself.

"Cas," Dean whispered against his ear and Cas could feel the warm exhale against his skin, making him come out in Goosebumps, and then Dean started to nibble along his neck and jaw.

"God I missed you so much, I, Cas I want to-" Dean mumbled between little nips.

And for a second Cas was tempted to just say 'screw it all'. To possibly throw everything away for this one moment. It felt so good to have Dean here with him. But just as quick as the feeling appeared it was replaced by a cold hand of dread snaking up his spine as reality came crushing over him. "Dean no, we can't." Castiel said but Dean just seemed to increase the intensity of his administration. With a superhuman effort, because he'd be damned but it felt so good, Cas finally managed to pull himself away and out of the boys' arms. Panting, he stared at Dean. "Dean, if you care for me at all, like I know you do, then please, you have to stop!"

"Why? Didn't you miss me at all?" Dean said, challenging, the confusion evident in his voice.

"Of course I did," Cas conceded although maybe he should just lie and tell him 'no, he did not', just to make this go easier, but he just couldn't.

"Then where's the problem." he asked, voice slightly sharper than he had intended. He had not anticipated to get rebuffed like this, not now that he had Cas here with him like that.

Cas swallowed and ran his hands through his hair. "The problem- has and always will be your age." Cas gritted out after a moment, and already felt like he had revealed too much. That Dean could sense the between the lines meaning of 'otherwise I would be all over you by now', and that sent Cas into another spiral of panic. It wasn't only about Dean and his age any longer. He was not allowed to have these feelings for another person right now, not since... This would hurt.

"Dean, if nothing else we can't do this because I'm actually in a relationship."

"What?" Dean's suddenly too highly pitched voice shot back.

"I'm-" He was what, Cas thought. 'Sorry'? Sorry about what? About the fact that he and Dean could not be? That he had finally had the guts to address his personal issues and felt comfortable enough to date? That he still felt bad for letting what had happened happen all those months ago. That he felt he had taken advantage of Dean and led him on and then not having a chance to explain? There was so much they needed to talk about, and Cas had not wanted for Dean to find out like this.

"Oh god, its this Alan dude, isn't it?" Dean looked at Cas wide eyed. "God, I was so stupid, of course, why else would he be here on a Saturday evening?" He suddenly felt hot and cold and like he was going to throw up and on top of it all an extreme sense of embarrassment for just having pushed himself on Cas like that, thinking somehow time had stood still, that nothing had changed. How stupid could he be.

"Dean, maybe we can talk-" Cas didn't get to finish his sentence as Dean turned and raced out the room. Cas heard heavy footsteps on the stairs, and then the happy squeals of Sammy as he addressed his brother again.

Dean had just wanted to run out of here, he wasn't really thinking. He was just so pissed and upset and embarrassed and god, so fucking jealous he felt sick. But then there was Sammy and he looked so happy to see him that Dean instantly deflated and swept him up in his arms, giving him another twirl. Bobby and Jody were sat in the living room talking to this Alan. Dean hadn't even exchanged two words with the guy but already he hated him. Hated that he got what Dean wanted. That he had the fucking right age and the fucking right job and the fucking right everything.

Of course he had expected this to happen sooner or later but still, it hurt. And now Dean might have to sit through a whole evening with them, as he just overheard Alan inviting them to stay for dinner. Fucking great. Now he had to try and smile while this guy was getting all handsy with Cas and, no, he had to stop this train of thought. He was here and Sammy was here and he would just need to find a way to cut Cas right out of his heart. He decided there and then that a good a place as any to start was at pushing all his stupid emotions right back down where they belonged.

#

It was late by the time people left. John Winchester had knocked on the door in search of everyone, having spotted the truck in his drive. He gave Dean an awkward pat on the back along with a "welcome back boy," before greeting Jody and Bobby in a slightly friendlier fashion. He didn't pay Cas much attention but he had gotten used to it. It wasn't like John was one of his favorite people either.

Alan was in the kitchen cleaning up the last of the dishes while Cas said good-bye to everyone. Dinner, all things considered, had gone better than he had expected. Mainly due to Sammy's infectious good mood, Cas guessed. Because while he could feel that Dean was pissed, being rather short and abrupt, especially with Alan, Sammy always managed to lift his mood with stories of all the stuff he did while Dean had been away.

Dean had said a very brief good-bye to Cas, and evidently couldn't wait to get out of the house. Not that Cas could blame him. He knew he handled the whole situation very bad. If only Dean had arrived when he said he would, Cas would have been prepared then, would not have let Dean catch him like that. They could have sat down somewhere and talked it over. Of course, deep down Cas had always hoped that there would be nothing left to talk over. Eight months were a long time and he had always hoped Dean might have found someone else, fallen in love while he was away. And he had believed himself to be over it.

He had managed to get his life back on track, after the divorce and everything. He was finally comfortable with himself. Of course, he still had bad days but who didn't, and when Alan had asked him out, he had felt ready to explore the concept of dating another man. And he really liked Alan. He could not let all this come crashing down on him again. And for what? At best, some secret fling that would wear itself out soon enough when Dean grew tired of him and found someone his own age, or at worst with him ending up in prison, being labeled a child molester, basically throwing the rest of his life away. Cold panic, the degree of which he hadn't felt in a long time gripped him with renewed fervor. In a moment he had made up his mind.

"Hey you," Cas said as he sauntered back into the kitchen, wrapping his arms around the other man from behind.

"Hey," he turned his head, smiling affectionately at Cas.

"So, you know, I- we should, do you want to stay the night?" Cas said, placing a small kiss on Alan's cheek. They had been going out coming up to three months but as per Cas' request had taken things day by day and very slow. Cas still had trouble showing this side of him to the world at large and at times even in his own home. He had wanted to keep a low profile about their budding relationship while he figured this out and Alan had been nothing but understanding. This possibly might explain the raised eyebrows and slightly shocked expression on his partner's face.

"You sure?"

"Yes," Cas tried to give a smile that passed as confident, although he was feeling like he was about to faint.

Alan put the dishcloth down and swooped Cas up in his arms. "Whatever happened to taking things slow?" He mumbled against Cas' skin, as he placed a tender kiss there.

"I got tired of waiting I guess." Cas smiled back in return, pulling Alan in and holding on to him for dear life.

Later as Cas was pressed back against the mattress, a hot, wet mouth firmly moving up and down his cock, he tried his best not to let images and visions of green eyes and freckled skin and smooth lips pressed against his own, enter his mind. Instead he gripped Alan's hair tight and urged him on to go faster and rougher. Begged him to grip him harder around he hips, and to not hold back, hoping and praying that if he just felt enough, was taken apart all the way, it would chase away any remnant thoughts of Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, *hides in a corner chanting 'don't hate me, don't hate me'*. I know it's painful to read right now, believe me it was hard to write AND to leave them in this place. All I can reiterate is that there will be a happy ending but that, keeping in mind where they're at currently, it will be a long and bumpy road.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please accept my apologies for again being a bit late in updating. I blame the world cup and the subsequent heat-wave here in the UK, which pretty much turned by brain to mush. (and some serious angsting over parts of this chapter).
> 
> This chapter will cover a few months, dealing with some of Dean and Cas' emotional baggage. Some angst and lots of feels, and they even eventually get to talk.

"Dean, you really don't need to walk me to school." Sam whined around a mouthful of scrambled eggs.

"No, I'm back now and it's high time someone takes good care of you again," and to underline the point, he shoved an extra slice of bacon on his brother's plate. He had been surprised that there actually was bacon and eggs in the fridge in the first place, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"I'm no baby anymore, I was perfectly fine walking to and from school while you were away."

Dean felt that hole in his stomach again, the one that seemingly had made itself at home over these last three weeks since he'd been back. He ignored it, like he had done the previous times. "Well, then maybe just humor me," Dean said with, what he hoped was, a convincing amount of nonchalance and a practiced grin.

"Ah, come on, I really don't need baby-sitting. Kids at school will just think it would be weird having you walk me again all of a sudden. Plus it makes your life a lot easier not having to rush around like crazy. You should be glad to have some more time to yourself."

Dean just shrugged. "Fine." He turned around to hide the solemn look on his face that despite his trying had crept up. So much had changed in the time he'd been away and he had real trouble finding his place in this new dynamic with his family and friends. This morning was not the first time he felt pretty much surplus to requirement, like he just wasn't needed any longer. Well at least Sammy still appreciated his cooking skills if the way he was shoveling his food was an indication. But other than that- apparently everybody had moved on with their lives while he had been away. Dean didn't quite know what he had expected but it was not this.

Their dad was busy with his new job and his new woman, and his general below average performance as a father aside (as he rarely was around long enough to warrant the title), he was seemingly doing his best to get his act together even working double shifts some days to bring in some extra cash. That might explain the presence of said eggs and bacon. Dean had no idea what Bobby told their old man over the holidays, but since he had been back he had not seen him drunk once. Bobby was the sort of person who could put the fear of god into anyone. Dean had received his own pep-talk by the gruff old man before he and Jody headed back home, something he was sure would be forever edged into his memory. But as for his father, he just waited for the other shoe to drop, didn't expect this to last, good things never did.

His old man trying to straighten himself out, Dean could have gotten on board with, but now his father was on the 'happy' family trip, well mainly on the keeping his woman happy trip, but it did spill over into their home life. Dean's hackles rose just at the thought of it. John even allowed this person to stay in the house while he was at work, and basically take over. Dean hated every second of her being here. No matter how much their dad insisted that a 'womanly touch' was just what 'his boys' needed. They had done just fine without a 'womanly touch' in the house. As long as Dean had money for bills and food he didn't need anyone else snooping in their business. No one could replace their mom anyway. He would have sucked it up for Sammy's sake, if he'd wanted him to, but his little brother seemed to dislike this new status quo as much as he did. That woman was just infuriating, too sweet and fake, and treated their place like it was her home, and Dean really, really loathed her.

From what he could tell, the feeling was pretty mutual. While Sammy still had the adorable kid factor in his favor, and generally got away with his snotty behavior, Dean was just too big and rowdy, on the verge of growing up, to appeal to her motherly instincts. No matter how much she smiled and 'oh sweetie'd' him when John was around, Dean just knew she didn't like him. Dean even wondered whether his father's reluctance to allow him back was due to her influence. It probably was easier to pretend to be a happy, functioning family with just a cute eleven year old around, minus the delinquent trouble maker.

But it all added up to Dean feeling like a stranger in his own house, and now he didn't even have sanctuary at Cas' any longer. Not that Cas wouldn't want him there, Dean knew him better than that. Just he generally couldn't make himself go. Especially not when that stupid blue Toyota, that must belong to Alan, was a near constant feature in his driveway these days. He could count the times he had been over there since he came back on one hand, and if it hadn't been for Sammy's incessant whining about accompanying him or the occasional' he just needed to get out of his own house right the fuck now before he would punch something', he'd probably visit even less.

Cas had tried a few times to get him alone and _talk_ to him, but what was there left to talk about? Dean didn't need any more first hand embarrassment or making a fool of himself for laying his feelings bare. He'd brushed Cas off and if the man had looked hurt then that was just a price he had to pay. Dean didn't even know what he wanted anymore, just that he needed space.

Then there was Sammy, who seemed to have grown up so much while he was away. His brother had found his own way of dealing with life and their dad, apparently perfectly able to look after himself. The times he did need help, it appeared Cas stepped up to the plate and took care of things, even now that Dean was back. He should be grateful for this, as he had asked as much of the older man all those months back, but it was just another factor in making him feel redundant all around. Hell, Sammy seemed to spent most of his free time over at Cas' house, and had gotten into more than one argument with Dean over why he didn't want to go with him. Sammy seemed reluctant to break his new-found routine, and Dean couldn't blame him. It was an escape for him from this shitty life their dad had provided for them over these last years. It used to be his escape too but that was all screwed to hell now. The bitter feeling of his brother spending time over _there_ , while this other person was making themselves comfortable at Cas' side, in a way taking this from Dean, was eating away at him.

_And_ , right there was the topic Dean still had the most trouble getting his head around and generally didn't go near with a ten foot pole. Cas in a relationship. Not just some quick fling as Dean had hoped for those first few days after that afternoon. Although what would be different now if it had been, he didn't know. He knew he was being unfair, as really Cas had never made any promises, never told Dean he wanted something more than friendship. Just Dean thought after that night- but obviously he'd been wrong, stupid and naive. And it wasn't like he had been idle while he was away. With that in mind, Dean knew he actually had no right being pissed at Cas. But his flings were just that, nothing serious. Cas, on the other hand, was in a _serious_ relationship, and it hurt. And probably the guy was a decent enough guy, didn't deserve Dean's contempt. At times, Dean hated himself for disliking Alan, for not being able to be pleased for Cas. Because, as he had to remind himself, the older man deserved to be happy but damn it, so did he and right now he felt anything but. It was all just so fucked up.

More than once Dean wished himself back to the camp. At least there he didn't have any expectation of life or people and in return knew what was expected of him.

#

Dean's first day back at school sucked big time. He was like some kind of celebrity, in the negative sense of the word. People were staring and talking behind his back. Most of his old friends stayed clear of him now that apparently the appeal of the tough guy had turned into 'the one who got into trouble with the police'. Fuck them, he didn't need them anyway, if that was their thanks for him sticking his neck out for them. He couldn't even really look forward to the basketball practice he'd had this afternoon. His other school had pulled a few strings, which allowed him to join the team without a try-out and half way through their winter season. Dean was sure that wouldn't go down too well with his fellow team-mates. He'd just have to shut them up with his performance, because he enjoyed the sport and would be damned if the one good thing he had left right now would be taken away from him.

By lunch-time Dean just about had it for the day, math sucked, and the stares got really tiresome after a few hours. He decided against the canteen and went to hide out under the bleachers instead. Not his usual digs but he was hopeful he might bump into someone he could charm into giving him a cigarette or two. He'd fully intended to stop once he got back, but now he just didn't care. More importantly it would give him something to do, a legitimate excuse, at least in his mind, why he didn't want to hang out in the canteen.

Eying a group of juniors, it didn't take Dean long to catch the eye of one of the chicks. She had long black hair and wore way too much make-up but Dean gave her his best cheeky smile regardless. After whispering something to her friends she made her way over and, to his relief, very willingly shared her stack of cigarettes with him while not so subtly checking him out. Dean leaned back against a pillar, taking a lazy drag of the cigarette and brought forward his charming persona, the one that got him more than a few favors and that he had perfected during his stay at camp. He let his own eyes rake suggestively over the girl and she smiled up at him. Yeah, she was definitely interested, and would prove a nice distraction from his current woes. It appeared like this day was finally starting to look up.

#

Some days Cas really wondered what he had been thinking, going into teaching. He slumped back into the chair in his office, his ears were ringing and he could feel the onset of a headache. The door was finally closed after a seemingly endless stream of students, wanting guidance and advice and, of course, the guy actually in charge was away at some conference somewhere and left Cas to pick up the pieces. He guessed that was just some of the perks of being the big-wig. Cas hoped he would make a better example of a professor should he ever get a tenure and not let everyone else do the work for him.

He couldn't wait to get home and put his feet up for the day. He just wanted to check his emails so he wouldn't be tempted at home, and then he could finally head out of here. Once he opened his hotmail, he wished he'd just gone straight home as at the top of the list, the name of his brother caught his eye. The subject didn't leave much room for interpretation about what this was about. "DON'T DO IT." It spelled in big capital letters.

Cas let the mouse hover for a moment, contemplating whether to just ignore the message at least for today. Gabriel had made his thoughts on the subject crystal clear already, more than once. Cas had only informed him of his decision to finally tell his parents out of courtesy, so his brother could prepare himself for the inevitable storm that was to follow. Gabriel still had his quirks but Castiel could appreciate his brother more these days, being able to see through his bullshit, and respected him for sticking with him despite them disagreeing on a few fundamental issues.

It was funny really, that after all those months of fretting and trying to square the proverbial circle, to try to become comfortable with himself and to hold on to his family, it had been the sermon Castiel had to endure during his Christmas visit, that broke the camel's back.

He had felt like an outcast for most of his stay, tolerated only because he was related to them by blood. They all made their disappointment in him very clear. A family meeting had been called on his first night back, where he was told that they were willing (haha) to move past this (the disgrace, Cas brought on this family well implied between the lines), if Cas in turn was prepared to repent for his wayward ways and go to seek out their pastor for 'guidance' and forgiveness.

Well after what he had to endure during that Sunday's sermon, there was no way in hell he would be in the same room with that man and he had told his parents as much. Something that did not go down well. Balthazar, trying to fulfill his role as oldest son and upholder of the family name, had taken him aside, basically begging him to let go of his insolence and just go, as they were all worried about his soul and he couldn't do this to their parents, who he owed so much to. Talk about guilt-tripping him.

Castiel was aware it would have been easier to give in but the man's sermon had just been so hate filled it had his blood pressure rise to dangerous levels. Another state had allowed for gay marriage to become legalized and despite it being 'the season to be jolly', the pastor had used the sermon as a non-stop rant about sin and debauchery and, worst of all, 'the big gay agenda'. Cas had just wanted to scream. He had no goddamn 'agenda'. He just wanted to be allowed to live his life and to love who the hell he wanted to.

He shuddered as he remembered how he had abandoned that particular thought very, very quickly when a certain young man had flashed before his eyes. Because if there ever would be a reason to burn in hell, it would be for allowing himself to entertain that thought any more than he already had in the past. Instead he had focused on the unfairness of how all his brothers and sister were here with their spouses while he had to hide not only his sexuality but also his partner away.

The sordid topic spilt over into family dinner time and if it hadn't been for a healthy amount of brandy and Gabriel, who valiantly had taken on the role of devil's advocate and interjected just as Castiel was ready to burst, he would have gone mad or shouted at them there and then that they had a raging homosexual as their son and that he was ok with it and that no, God did not hate him because of it, no matter what their bigoted pastor might teach.

Still the thought festered in his mind over the coming weeks and last night he finally made up his mind to just get it over with, rip the band-aid off and deal with whatever pain would come as a result. Anything must be better than having this Damocles sword constantly hanging over his head.

Reminding himself of his resolve, he clicked on the mail. Gabriel outlined again in colorful words why he should not be doing this, but right at the end he stated that if that truly was what he wanted then he would not stop him, and that it could be actually rather entertaining seeing Raphael's head explode. Castiel had to smile at that. It made him feel remotely better to know he would not lose contact with all of his family should things go south.

He didn't bother dealing with the rest of his mail, and closed the pc down, more than ready to go home, cook a good meal and start working on the letter he had decided on sending his family.

#

"No, Dean, there's no way you're not going." Sam stood in front of his older brother, staring him down even though he was physically still smaller.

"But I already promised Charlene I'd take her out this Saturday."

"You've known for a whole week that we were all going to celebrate Cas' birthday tomorrow. What's wrong with you lately" Sam burst out.

"Nothing's wrong. I just forgot, ok. I got a chance to take out a chick, one day you'll understand." Dean waggled his eyebrows suggestively, plastering on a fake smile. "Plus, I can't just blow her off now." Of course he hadn't forgotten Cas' birthday, how could he? He just didn't want to spent a whole day around the happy couple, sue him. And it was easier playing dumb than try to explain things to Sammy. What would he even say? 'He didn't want to be around Cas and Alan because he'd just wanted to punch something every time he was.' Yeah, that would just lead to a tsunami of questions.

"Bullshit." Sammy called, faced scrunched up.

"Language." Came Dean's automated reply. Sammy might be older and didn't need him quite as much anymore as he used to, but he was still a kid, and you couldn't take the older brother out of Dean.

His little brother just rolled his eyes. "No seriously, what has gotten into you. It used to be all Cas this and Cas that. Then you came back and you're all different, and now to top it off, you're telling me you forgot his birthday?"

Dean gave a shrug. "People change."

"Yeah, and it would have nothing to do with Alan?"

"What?" Dean's eyes shot up to meet Sammy's. What was his brother implying here? Had he at some point given himself away to his brother? Dean could feel his hands go clammy and wiped them on his jeans.

"Oh come on. I'm eleven not stupid. I've noticed how you run off as soon as Alan's around. What do you even have against the guy? He's actually really nice, not that you would know."

"Whatever." Was all that Dean could come up with in reply, because he wasn't having this conversation with his brother.

"Yeah, whatever... why do I get the impression that you're uncomfortable with two dudes, you know-. Cas is our friend, you should be happy for him."

"Sammy, you know that's not true." Dean growled menacingly before adding "just let it rest, ok." His brother had hit his sore spot head on, only not quite for the reasons he assumed.

"If you say so." Sam looked at him with a calculating glare. "Then there is _no_ problem with you coming to the cinema with us tomorrow. I actually planned it all." Sam face changed to a grin, holding up his notepad with the itinerary for the day. Dean knew his brother had been allowed to be in charge of the planning with some supervision by Amelia and this Alan. Maybe if his fucking name started with an 'A' he would have had a shot with Cas. Dean snorted at the stupidity of his own thought.

At any rate, this gathering was just going to be too much 'sweet' all around for Dean's liking. Amelia was supposed to bring her new man as well, and Dean didn't need happy couples shoved down his throat. But he knew by the way his brother was looking at him, there was no getting out of it without risking a _real_ shit-storm, he knew how stubborn the little menace could be. Plus he really should be over ' _it'_ by now. Not feel that irate pull in his gut any longer every time he as much as got a look of this Alan guy near Cas. Dean had definitely tried his best to distract himself, to literally drown his feelings, and while he had to admit he was having fun, even getting to third base with one or two of the girls, it never seemed quite enough.

This Charlene was just another girl who he would date for a few weeks and then move on. It never felt quite right and Dean tended to break it off before things got too serious or when the chicks started to get too attached. It was easier that way. He still hadn't dared exploring his curiosity regarding the same sex, despite letting his eyes wander to a male specimen on occasion but then his thoughts would without fail turn to Cas and mostly that was the end of his curiosity. Just once or twice Dean really thought 'fuck it' and was almost about to just go for it. He even imagined telling Cas about how he got it on with another dude. Not that this would achieve very much or change anything, but the thought made Dean feel better, if only for a little while.

"Fine, I'll try to get out of it." Dean conceded. "But if she breaks up with me because of it, you can cook your own breakfast for a month."

Sammy smiled brightly. "There, that wasn't so hard. Now please promise me to give Alan a chance. Just talk to the guy or something."

Dean nodded his head if only to shut his brother up. There was no way that was going to happen but Sammy didn't need to know that.

#

Of course this had been a bad idea from the start. Dean knew exactly why he'd planned on not attending. Cas in close proximity for a prolonged period of time brought his defenses crumbling down fast. But even in his wildest dreams he hadn't accounted for the possibility of being wedged between his brother on one side and CAS on the other.

Ok, technically he'd been awake half the night conjuring up various scenarios of how he and Cas were pressed close together, not being able to keep their hands to themselves, to the dismay of Alan who had been reduced to the role of bystander. To his great shame, he had actually gotten hard and jerked off to this fantasy. Then he had spent the rest of the night scolding himself for still pining after Cas, unable to fall asleep with the prospect of spending a whole afternoon in the man's presence. Something that used to be so easy. And just before he was about to get really emotional, roughly around 4am, and mourn the loss of his friend, because damn he missed hanging out with Cas, missed his dry humor and even his stupid coffee, and how could you even miss something so mundane, he got up and started to watch some crappy early morning TV which thankfully eventually bored him into falling asleep.

And now here he suddenly was, the situation resembling too closely like one of his fantasy scenarios. He honestly had no idea how they ended up like this. Last thing he knew was that Amelia was in front of him and Sammy was behind him, followed by Alan and Cas, as they made their way to their seats. Then Sammy had shoved in front of him, wanting to sit next to Amelia as he had not seen her in weeks. Next thing he knew Alan stepped behind Cas, probably trying to do Dean a favor by not sitting next to him (yeah they still hadn't spoken more than a few tense words) and Cas looked at him wide eyed, licking his lips nervously.

Unbeknown to him, Castiel's thoughts were currently along very similar lines to Dean's. He had been so careful, trying to make sure he did not end up sat next to Dean, whether that was mainly to spare the older Winchester's feelings or for his own benefit he wasn't sure. He had been pleasantly surprised to see the teenager come along and even give him a 'birthday' hug, despite feeling his pulse quicken at the contact and maybe enjoying it more than he should allow himself to. It was just so good to have Dean here with him for his birthday. After the way he seemed to avoid him lately, he had not banked on him being here. Cas took Dean's presence as a good sign, a sign that maybe the teenager had started to move past his juvenile infatuation with him. The few times they had talked, Dean outright refused to talk about 'it' and Cas was getting to the stage where he had to agree. Maybe it would just be best to let whatever had transpired between them rest. It had been so long that there hardly seemed any point to dig up the past, surely they both had moved on by now from whatever there had been between them.

And Cas really believed he had overcome his own ill infatuation he'd had for the boy. He was in a healthy relationship with someone far better suited for his age and what little he had gleaned from Sam, so was Dean. Cas felt his harsh actions from just before Christmas validated by the knowledge that Dean was dating someone his own age now.

That belief was shattered though once he sat down next to the boy, and felt his heart speed up, like it had a mind of its own. He suddenly felt overwhelmed and Dean was way too close for comfort and he couldn't get his body to calm down. Even though he was sat straight, arms folded over his lap and legs pressed together, he could feel the body heat of the teenager and the familiar scent of Dean invade his nostrils. It had been months since they'd been this close but the sensations and the memories were coming back fast. Especially how confident and possessive that last kiss they shared had been. No one had ever kissed him like that. Not that Cas had much experience, having kissed a total of four people in his life. Still the memory made his skin crawl an his lips tingle. He suddenly felt too hot and opened the top button of his shirt. What the hell was wrong with him? He was in a happy relationship, finding his place in the world, finally comfortable with himself. Why couldn't that be enough? Surely it had to be enough!

Everybody was passing around the popcorn and sweets and making happy banter while they waited for the film to start. Nobody paid much attention to the fact that both let the food pass them by. Normally Dean would be the first to stuff his face but right now he couldn't care less about food. His mood was fast changing from overwhelmed and antsy of having Cas so close to him to angry at the way the man seemingly was so uncomfortable being in his close proximity. Not that Dean was particularly overjoyed about them having ended up next to one another but - would it really be so horrible if any parts of their bodies touched? Did Dean become that repulsive to him? No, he refused to believe that, his brain was just going into overdrive. He chanced a glance at Cas, trying to look inconspicuous pretending to check out the rows behind them. The man looked like he had swallowed a stick. Dean caught motion to Cas' left and couldn't help his eyes zooming in on where Alan was about to pat Cas' knee, only to be slapped away by the dark haired man.

Shit, Cas gulped and smiled apologetically at Alan, who gave him a confused 'I thought we went past the 'no PDA' stage' look. Just he could not deal with having anyone close and groping him right now. He had acted without thinking because he just knew Dean was watching and he didn't want to rub it in his face, or so he was telling himself. God, he was a horrible person. To make up for it he shuffled a bit closer to Alan, giving him, what he hoped was a convincing, smile.

This was fast becoming majorly awkward. Dean turned and tried to engage his brother in some light banter, and yet, Cas so close, the smell of his cologne and the stupid guy next to him who was allowed to be all the things Dean was not, had him come out in a cold sweat. He didn't even need to look at them. It was like they were burning a hole in his back. His leg tick made itself known and Dean was sure the whole row was shaking with how fast his leg bounced up and down. Damn, instead of this emotional turmoil he could have been out making cosy with Charlene.

"S'cuse me" Dean mumbled as he got up, not caring that the film was about to start, and pushed past Cas and Alan. The rest of the group just looked on confused as he headed out of the theatre. He just needed a moment to collect himself and a cigarette would definitely help. He still hadn't given up on his habit and it had become somewhat of his go to whenever emotions of any kind seem to overwhelm him. Heading out the entrance, he walked past the cinema to a quiet corner with a bench, lit up and took a big drag before blowing out the smoke in little rings. Just one of the tricks he had learned over the months.

"Dean?" A familiar voice came from behind him as he was halfway through his cigarette.

"What you're doing here?" Dean asked as his head whipped around, staring into blue eyes.

"Just wanted to make sure you're ok." Dean detected a note of shakiness in Cas' voice. "Look, I know it might be a bit uncom-"

"No, everything's alright. Why wouldn't it? Can't a guy just go out for a smoke these days?" Dean was quick to interrupt, because he had not wanted to talk about this, _them_ , in the past, and he was not in the mood to start now.

"You smoke?" Cas eyed the offending item in Dean's hand.

"Yeah, so?" Dean turned to look at Cas, the challenge of 'and how is that any of your business' evident in his voice.

To his credit, Cas just shrugged his shoulders and sat down next to Dean.

Cas was not happy with this new habit but now was not the right time worry about it.

"Where did you even get these from?" He asked, hoping Dean hadn't gotten himself into any trouble. He really had not much of an idea what Dean got up to lately. And that thought hurt. He had been the one Dean used to trust, who he confided in, Cas wondered whether he had found anyone else to fulfill that role.

"My girlfriend likes to take care of me." Dean grinned around another drag, the double meaning fully intentional.

Cas remained quiet for a moment. His gaze was impassive as he studied Dean. Dean wasn't sure whether he should be pleased about that or whether he had hoped for Cas to react in some way. God he was so petty.

"And _how_ would she be getting hold of some?" Cas just had to know. Worried that Dean got in with the wrong crowd.

Dean smirked. Ok, he _was_ petty and loved the irritated tone in Cas' voice. "Guess it's legal for an 18 year old to buy cigarettes in this state." Oh, he had kind of wanted to rub that one in. Cas raised his eyebrows at him, not clearly at a loss of how to answer that.

Dean held the man's gaze as he continued. "Yes, looks like not everybody is that bothered with dating an _underage_ guy." He couldn't hide the light note of bitterness, as he continued to stare at Cas.

They held eye contact for a long moment. The older man was evidently looking for something to say. "Dean... " Cas seemed suddenly flushed and worked the fingers of his right hand through his hair. "You know that it is not the same." He eventually hissed in frustration.

"Why? The law's the law, ain't it? Either you're considered legally an adult or you're not." Dean could feel anger boil up, frustration he didn't even knew he had, and lit another cigarette even though he just stomped out the last one.

"You know that it is more complicated than that. I- I'm-" Castiel stuttered.

"Did you know that the legal age of consent is 'sixteen' in 31 states." Dean interjected. So what, he googled this shit when he still had hoped that there could be something more between them. Of course, Illinois had to have a legal age of seventeen, which had dampened his mood a bit, but they could have worked it out somehow. Why was he even talking about this now? After all these months, it was just like it finally all needed to come out.

"And in Europe, it is even more varied, in some countries you only have to be fourteen to be able to decide when and who you want to have a relationship with. It just varies so much, what the fuck does it even mean? Is it not just some random number made up by some assholes in suits who think they know best?" He pierced Cas with his gaze who looked like he was physically in pain.

Cas had wanted that conversation for so long, a chance to clear the air between them, but he had not foreseen such a conversation going down this particular road.

"Why are you bringing this up?" He asked, voice shaking, hands wringing nervously in his lap.

Dean studied him for a second, before he shrugged his shoulders. "Honestly, I don't even know. Just- been thinking about stuff, I guess." Damn and now he was talking about the one thing he did not want to talk about, might as well get it all out now. "It just seems unfair that something like this should be purely decided by where you happen to live. Like if we lived a few states over, I would be legal in a few months and we-"

"It is what it is." Cas interjected. He needed to stop the direction this conversation was heading right now. "I- the law is there for a reason, and even if it might seem unfair to you, it will do more good than harm. You just have to trust that people in charge know what they're doing and-"

"Well, I damn well don't! I'm fucking old enough to make my own decisions." Dean growled.

"And what- in your world that takes away my autonomy, doesn't include me being able to make decisions of my own?" Cas shot back, suddenly feeling a mix or panic and rage rise up.

"Cas, that's not what I meant, I-" Dean stammered, looking wide eyed at the man next to him.

"No Dean." Cas hissed in a whisper, feeling equally panicked and aggravated and too aware there were people walking past them. "Have you ever, _ever_ really thought about what this, us, could do to me? Do you really want to see me go to prison? And yes, that would be the bottom line for me. I would be risking it all, you on the other hand would be seen as the victim, no harm would come to you."

Dean gulped, the sharp tone in Cas' voice cutting him deep. Moreso because this was a close as the older man had ever come to outright admitting that he might have wanted something more from him, if circumstances were different. Yes, Dean knew there were risks involved, more for Cas than for him, and no, he did not want to see Cas in prison. But no-one would have had to know. He turned to be able to look at Cas properly. And damn, his blue eyes were full of sadness and something else, Dean just could see it, and it suddenly tore him apart. He had just thought- no, to be honest, he hadn't really thought all that much what it might do to Cas should they get together as anything more than friends. Dean suddenly felt like the world's biggest asshole.

"Of course I don't. What do you think of me? For one, I would not have told anyone. And I'm sorry, I never meant for you to- I just- I really thought you- and me -" Dean scrambled to find the words he wanted to say.

"Not that any of this matters now, right?" Cas cut in. He just couldn't listen to what Dean might have been about to say, because he might crumble under the weight of it. He has to stay in control "I mean, you have a girlfriend now and I- I have Alan." Cas stated, like it was final.

"Yeah, right. It doesn't matter anymore. You made your choice and as a result I had to make mine." Dean nodded his head, trying to convince himself, taking a last drag of his cigarette before flipping it onto the pavement, watching it glimmer for a moment before he stomped it out.

The older man's gaze still bore into him, and damn, despite it all, Dean missed him, just missed having him around. His mind was going round in circles. Maybe this talk could be closure.

"Still, this sucks." Dean said, fixing his boots with his eyes.

Cas nodded his head. "Yes. Dean, I'm really sorry I-"

"I swear to god if you say you regret what happened I'm gonna punch something."

That is not what I wanted to say. I'm sorry I messed up our friendship by not being more-"

"I said don't say it. "Dean implored. He did not want to hear Cas say that he thought it was a mistake. Because as much as Dean blamed himself for coming onto Cas, putting him in this impossible situation, he didn't want to regret those moments together. But he agreed, he hated that this had come between what they used to have.

"You think we could try and, I don't know- go back?" Dean had to smile at the way Cas stumbled over those words, awkward and adorable, at the same time it hurt, _because_ Cas was awkward and adorable and Dean ached to touch him. Could he try just being friends again? Well it wasn't like they ever had been anything more, even with the kisses and the co-sleeping (Dean valiantly tried not to think about _that_ time when he had come lying on top of Cas, because that was an accident and just awkward). He could try as long as he didn't have to be around Alan, for now at least. Maybe in time he could be happy for Cas, as a good friend should.

Dean gave Cas an honest smile, "I can't promise anything but I'd like to try."

"Ok. So, maybe to start, come and join Sammy after school at my house. I know he would like to have you there."

Dean assumed Cas knew about their latest home situation and just nodded in agreement. He was well aware Sammy was more comfortable around his place these days and spending more time with Sammy was something he could definitely do.

Dean stood up and dusted the back off his jeans. "Come on, we probably missed half the movie by now, and probably they miss the birthday boy." He said offering his hand to pull Cas up. That would be something they would have done before, right? Cas smiled in return and took it and let himself be pulled up.

#

Wow, he couldn't believe that he'd finally done it. Cas' heart was beating out a staccato beat as he sunk back onto his couch, double brandy in hand, and staring at the 'sent' symbol on his laptop screen. The mail was addressed to each of his brothers and his sister and to his father. He had worked on the wording of this mail for weeks. Gabriel, once he had accepted the inevitable, offered his services at reading it over and smoothing it out. Cas turned his mobile off and put it on the table in front of him. Really, he felt not prepared to deal with any highly likely calls he might receive tonight. He would leave that for tomorrow.

As much as he was still petrified of the consequences, it felt like a big weight had finally been lifted off his shoulders. The missing puzzle piece to him finally being able to live with himself at peace. It had taken him an awful long time to get to this point of acceptance, but if his family couldn't see past his homosexuality then it would hurt but he'd move on. At least he knew he had one brother who would stand by him. Also he had made new friends, built a new life here for himself so he didn't feel like it was just him against the world any more. He could finally just be.

His name was among five names of possible candidates for the tenure, and even if he didn't get it, he was pretty much promised a permanent teaching position for the foreseeable future. Things with Alan still worked out well and they had finally given each other the title of 'boyfriends'.

His relationship with Dean was still rocky but he could tell the boy at least tried. He still didn't stay long when Alan was at the house, and Cas tried to keep any personal contact with Alan to a minimum during those times, it felt like the courteous thing to do. Of course his partner noted and tried to probe Cas for information, getting frustrated when he was being evasive. Cas had an inkling that Alan started to blame Dean for his own standoffishness, as he more than once wanted to know what Dean's problem was. A question Cas came increasingly short of giving a plausible answer to.

It all ended in a big blow-up one evening, when Cas in his frustration yelled at Alan to 'just leave Dean be'. He would always feel protective over Dean and might have overreacted. He just wished he could explain, but there were some things that just were better left alone. The following discussion hadn't been pretty but in the end Alan begrudgingly accepted that Dean was here to stay just as much as Sammy was and that 'he had his reasons' for acting the way he did. Cas just hoped that in time they could work it out and Alan would see what a great, loyal and caring kid Dean really was.

Cas knocked back the rest of his drink, letting the warmth spread through is body. If he ever needed to get inebriated it was tonight. He closed the laptop down, basically shutting himself off from the world. He had told Alan to not come round as he really needed to do this by himself and further would be no good company. But really, he just didn't want any mothering of any kind. Staring at the wall opposite him until the brandy would make him sleepy was just about what he wanted.

Cas was just about to get up to refill his glass, when someone knocked frantically on his door.

"Cas, oh god, _Cas_ ," A voice yelled as the knocking turned into thuds.

"CAS, please be in." The voice, which he now recognized as Sammy's shouted.

He made his way quickly to the door and pulled it open, eyes going wide at the sight of Sammy. A bruise was forming on the side of his face and he had run out of his house without shoes.

"Sammy?"

"Oh thank god. Cas, come- please." The younger Winchester begged and pulled at his sleeve.

"What happened to your face?" Cas took Sam's chin in his hand, examining the bruise.

"It doesn't matter, just knocked my head when I tried pulling them apart. Cas, you have to do something, he's going to kill him. I- I tried- but-"

"Who?" Cas asked perplexed, the alcohol having slowed down his brain function.

"Dad and Dean. Please, I would call the cops but-"

Castiel knew what calling the cops could possibly mean for the Winchester boys. He quickly pulled on the first pair of shoes he could get his hands on and followed a frantic Sammy over to their house, where he already could hear yelling coming from the upstairs bedroom.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like a good cliff-hanger, right? I know it looks like Dean and Cas have come to some kind of uncomfortable truce, and not much Destiel goodness, but... OMG, I'm so excited about the next chapter, it will have one of the first scenes I had for this fic in it. I know I'm mean not saying much more. You will just have to wait. (and for anyone that's worried, it will be the end of the line for Cas and Alan in that chapter).
> 
> Also, I know that Dean's stance on AOC issues is fairly simplified, and that there is a lot more to it, especially in regards to same-sex relationships. But he is a teenager and as such might not delve too deep into the actual subject. I tried to reflect that in his understanding on the matter.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I worked extra hard to get this chapter out before I go on holiday because I didn't want to leave you hanging any longer than absolutely necessary. I have to give a shout-out to my awesome beta Spotty333, who must have read about 5 different versions of this before it finally felt right.
> 
> This chapter is kind of the vital breaking point, I guess that is why I angsted so much over getting it right, and has lots of emotions, angst and well, Dean and Cas in it. Also this chapter got so long, that I needed to break it up, so technically the next chapter will be the second half of this one.

Cas started to run, urged on by the racket coming from the house, Sammy hot on his heels. Memories came crashing to the forefront of his mind of the last time he had to step in and prevent anything worse from happening.

"What on earth happened?" Cas voiced the thought out loud, already sounding breathless, not expecting to get an answer from the younger Winchester. He looked too spooked to talk and had trouble keeping up with Cas' frantic pace. He believed things had been going reasonably well between the brothers and their father lately but obviously something had changed. Finally at the Winchester house, he burst through the front door and straight up the stairs. He actually didn't know where Sam and Dean's room was but all he needed to do was follow the commotion.

He was halfway up the stairs when he heard John's angry voice, yelling undoubtedly at Dean, and Cas blood ran cold, making him take in a sharp breath.

"No son of my is going to be a _faggot_."

Cas could feel his heart stop, at the same time climbing the stairs faster, as he could hear Dean whimper and mumble something in reply, which he couldn't quite make out.

"Hey!" Cas yelled for lack of anything better to say, stepping into the room, eyes wide and scanning the scene before him. Both John and Dean looked like they managed to get a few punches in, but now John had Dean in a headlock against the wall. In the end Dean was no match for his dad's sheer physical strength. John' head whipped around, glaring at Cas. Dean was unable to move much. "Cas?" he whimpered.

The room looked like a hurricane had swept through. One of the beds was upturned, books and clothes strewn across the floor. Cas' eyes roamed over the mess and came to rest on what looked like a skin magazine. He gulped as the image of two guys in a very compromising position jumped out at him. Cas tried to put the pieces together as he noticed a laptop on the floor that undoubtedly had been smashed against the wall, as the screen had a big crack across it. Scattered in between the mess he could make out a handful of cigarettes. It couldn't have been more than a few seconds for Cas to take it all in, yet it felt like everything was moving in slow motion. His gaze came back to rest on Dean, and how he looked at him through the hold of his fathers' arm, panicked and tear stricken.

John looked murderous and Castiel had no idea what to do, never been one for a physical fight, still he pulled himself up tall in an attempt to look more menacing, hands balled into fists at his side. He just knew that he needed to get Dean out of here.

"Let go of him." He said in a deep growl, fixing the oldest Winchester with his steely blue eyes.

"Get the fuck out of my house." John snarled, not loosening his grip.

"Not until you let go of Dean." Cas didn't know how he did it but he actually made his body take a step towards the other man, his heart beating so hard in his chest he could feel the pulse pumping in his jugular.

"Fine," John snapped letting go of his son and pushing him into the wall in the process, before storming straight at Castiel and, without warning, punched him in the face. Cas railed back at the impact, but at the same time brought up his right fist and, with a strength he didn't know he possessed, placed a right hook right on John's jaw. He could feel the crack in his knuckles on contact and John's head swivelled back. The man looked stunned for a second, rubbing his jaw but then, with a quick shake of his head, John steadied himself. He grabbed Cas, who still seemed a bit disoriented, and smashed him into the wall.

"This is all your fault, isn't it?” The old Winchester spat, face blotchy red in anger, an inch from Cas' face, before following him with his body, getting in another blow with his left fist and about to throw another blow with his right.

"No," Dean yelled and both he and Sammy jumped their father, trying to hold him back.

"Stop," Sammy begged but his dad was like a person possessed.

"I know what's going on in that house of yours, with you and that _pansy_ friend of yours. I can only imagine what disgusting and twisted stuff you two get up to. People like you are just sick." John roared.

"You probably thought it great fun to corrupt an innocent kid into your perverse ways. Damn, I should have put a stop to this, Bobby and his opinion of you be damned. Does he even know you're a- a fucking cocksucker?"

"Dad, STOP!" Dean all but begged, hanging off John's arm and putting his whole bodyweight into stopping him from hurting his friend further.

Cas was still subdued, but only in parts from the pain on his right chin and the ringing that wouldn't quieten down in his ear. Even through the internal noise he could hear John and his allegations crystal clear and with every accusation came everything he had ever dreaded of hearing. Facts and slurs he had worked on so hard to disassociate with himself. It was almost like he could hear his own father's voice, things he used to say about people like 'him'. And they cut deep. Every word spat in his face was like a burning coal, searing and scorching him, disabling him from doing anything more than stare. It was the look of pain and fear on Dean's face that brought him back to the here and now. God, he needed to focus.

"I- would never- do that." He said, glaring at John. Ouch, his whole face lit up in pain as he moved his jaw.

"Bullshit. You probably gave him those sick sites to look at, and -" waving his left arm, with a desperate Sammy hanging on it, towards the magazine on the floor. "Where else would he even get this filth from."

"I nicked it, ok.!" Dean yelled, immediately regretting volunteering the information when John let go of Cas, which was good, and shaking off Sam, grabbed Dean by his shirt, lifting him up off the floor, which was not so good!

"So what- now you're a fag and a common thief? Stole those cigarettes too while you were at it?"

"I- " Dean choked out, finding it hard to breathe. The shirt he was being held up by at his shoulders was cutting into his throat, or maybe he was just in shock, he couldn't tell anymore.

Sammy was screaming, banging his fists against John's back, begging him to let go of Dean. Cas' vision was still blurry but his goal had to be to get the boys out of here.

"I said let go of him.!" Cas gritted out as he took the few steps towards John's back. He used his whole body weight and barrelled into the bigger man, trying to make him loosen his hold on Dean. It worked and Dean's feet hit the ground and he doubled over, looking like he was about to be sick.

John turned around absolutely livid, holding his side, and Cas again was surprised at his own strength, or maybe he just got lucky and managed to get an elbow into one of his kidneys.

The older Winchester shoved Cas back. "I said GET OUT!" He pushed him again, but Cas dug his heels in.

"Not without the boys." He had no idea where the conviction in his voice came from, he was pretty sure the rest of his body was shaking like a leaf. It must be the adrenaline giving him an artificial high.

"What, so you can get your sick, perverted hands on Sammy next? Turn him gay just like you tried with Dean?"

"You cannot turn anyone gay." Sammy piped in defiantly from somewhere in the back of the room, huddled against Dean, who had an arm around his small shoulders despite still looking pale like a ghost, bruise forming on his left eye. He was quickly silenced with a stare from their father.

"I should just call the cops on you and tell them what you get up to in your spare time."

"Being gay is not a crime." Cas snapped back.

"Yeah, well maybe it should be, _but_ putting your sick hands all over-"

"I never-" Cas protested, panic suddenly rising in his chest. He couldn't breathe. He had damn well kissed Dean and oh god, maybe he was guilty of all the things he was being accused of. But no, it was not like that. Despite his somewhat conflicted emotions towards the teenager he would never take advantage of Dean in the way he was being accused of.

"Go on..." Dean suddenly found his voice, stepping up and standing beside Cas, staring at his dad. He would not stand by and let his dad talk to his friend like that. He was done being scared of this man, done hiding. His dad was the last one who was allowed to stand on any moral high ground.

"Go and call the cops! I'm sure they would love to hear how you just beat your son up-" with a wave to Sammy he continued. "and how you gave the other one a black eye." John's eyes widened. "I did not do that," he hissed.

"But the cops won't know that. So go on, let's see who will get into trouble here tonight." Dean put all the conviction he could muster into his voice, and prayed that his dad wouldn't call the bluff, because really there was no way he would be calling the cops and risk getting him and Sammy put in foster care, most likely getting separated in the process.

John was a string pulled so tight you basically could see it start to snap. Dean gulped down the bile that he felt rising, repeating the mantra of 'please, please, please' in his head.

"So that's how it's going to be. You side with that faggot over your own family. In that case, get out of my fucking house and don't dare come back."

"Don't call me a faggot." Cas protested under his breath. Shit, he needed to shut up and not reignite the fire.

"I call you whatever the hell I want in my own house! Now get the fuck out."

"Come on Dean, Sammy." Cas placed a hand on the small of Dean's back, gently edging him out the door. He just wanted to be a million miles away from here.

"Sammy." Dean repeated, and his brother was about to step past their dad when a big sweaty hand held him back.

"No, YOU get out. Sammy will stay. He will not spend another second with the likes of you." The younger boy stared at Dean and Cas wide eyed and not sure what to do.

"No." Dean and Cas said at the same time. Dean's hands curled into fists. He would fight his dad again, if he had to. He would not leave without his brother, not this time.

"He will stay here with Mandy and me, get a chance at being a normal kid."

"Normal?" Dean's voice broke it was pitched so high. "You don't even know what that word means anymore."

"Well, it surely doesn't mean taking it up the ass! You're making me sick. Get the fuck out and take that excuse for a man with you- or I will make sure the cops _will_ have something worth coming over for." He advanced menacingly towards Dean and Cas again.

"Dean, go, please!" Sammy pleaded, from where he stood next to their father. As much as he wanted to leave with them, he had enough, this just had to stop. He needed his brother to be safe and he knew for that Dean needed to leave, give their dad a chance to calm down. He somehow doubted their old man would physically harm him, not now at least. Dean had always been the one to take the brunt for everything, though so far it never went quite into the physical territory like it had tonight. He looked at his brother and at Cas beseechingly, begging them with his eyes to just go.

"Sammy, no." Dean croaked, taking a step towards his brother, aggressively brushing John's hand off his shoulder and grabbing Sammy's shirt sleeve. "We're not leaving you-"

Dean didn't get to finish his sentence as he was grabbed hard by his dad, who took his arm and yanked it behind his back, immobilising him.

Cas tried to stop him, to get Dean free but John kicked him in the shin before marching the teenager out of the room.

"I said I want you out!" He growled as he rushed down the stairs, pushing a frantically wriggling Dean in front of him, almost making him trip on the steps. Cas and Sam were scrambling behind, both begging him to stop.

John opened the door and shoved Dean through it before doing the same with Cas then closing the door in their face before Sammy could slip through.

Dean scrambled back up to his feet, banging against the door and screaming for their dad to let him in. He only got a 'fuck off' in response. Dean could hear him yell at Sam to go to his room and stay the hell in it. He continued to bang against the door. Some people were peeking out of windows at the racket, but as is common in this neighbourhood no one seemed bothered enough to intervene or to call the cops. Someone even shouted "Shut the fuck up," from somewhere. Cleary this was not the first domestic fight they witnessed and Cas would chance a guess that it won't be the last.

"Dean, maybe we should call the police after all,” The older man suggested for a lack of any other ideas of how to fix this. He was pretty certain Dean wouldn't like the idea but maybe it would be for the best.

"No! They're just going to take us away or worse- dad will feed them some lies. You heard what he said! There has to be another way - Open the goddamn door!" Dean was shaking as he now used his feet to pummel the door. But instead someone turned the lights off inside, basically telling them that this was over.

Dean slid down the length of the door, hands in his head. "Damn it."

He felt Cas' hand on his arm. "You think he will hurt him?" It was an honest enough question and Dean shrugged his shoulders. 'Normally I'd say no, if he is wise enough to keep his head down.'

"Sammy is clever, he will know to stay out of your dad's way but- I don't know if there's much else we can do tonight. We think of something tomorrow, I promise. We could call Bobby, he might be able to talk some sense into your dad. God Dean, I'm so sorry." Cas gulped looking at the small heap of a boy on the floor. Dean suddenly looked like he had gone catatonic, like all the fight has left him.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up and then we think about what to do next." Cas pulled Dean up by the hand and Dean wiped his wet and snotty face with his sleeve.

"Ok," he said meekly, staring back at the house and praying to a god he didn't believe in that Sammy would be smart, and stay safe until they could get him.

Cas led the boy across the road, through his own open front door, which he shut, locking it for good measure. He didn't quite expect John to burst through the door but it felt safer like this. He manoeuvred Dean over to the couch and motioned for him to sit down.

Dean was in a stupor, about to lower himself onto said couch and never move again, when his stomach made itself violently known and he jumped up and darted towards the stairs, managing to get to the bathroom just in time to empty his stomach of this evening's dinner.

Dean was bent over the toilet, head in the bowl and stomach cramping. There was nothing left but some bile but he couldn't stop gagging. A warm, comforting hand was being placed on his back and started rubbing circles onto it. It took him another minute or two but eventually the urge to gag stopped and he turned around, sinking down and back against the base of the toilet, looking up at Cas, meeting the worried eyes with his own.

"Here," The man held out a glass of water. "Might help with the taste in your mouth." Cas offered the glass before he lowered himself down next to Dean, letting out a groan at the pain he could feel in his right side.

Dean flashed his friend a small smile. Cas couldn't help but notice how it didn't quite reach the boy's normally so bright and sparkling green eyes. Eyes that now seemed so tired and empty, and Cas hated that look on Dean's face. It had no right to be there. The boy deserved so much more, so much better.

"Thanks" Dean mumbled, before taking an eager gulp. His face hurt from where, no doubts bruises had already formed. At least he'd managed one good swing at his old man, not that the thought really helped rid him of this goddamn hole that had been blasted right through him, where his heart used to be.

The water helped somewhat, still the bitter taste in his mouth remained and Dean scrunched up his face as he swallowed, handing the empty glass back to Cas.

Cas must have seen the awkward swallow as he got up and rummaged through his cabinet, presenting Dean with a new toothbrush a moment later.

"Knew I had one stashed away somewhere." He tried to smile as he handed it to Dean, but his whole left side was in agony, especially around the eye, so he aborted the motion mid move. The adrenaline was slowly leaving his body and he could feel a dull pain start to spread all over. It wasn't every day that he was thrown into a wall and punched, multiple times.

Dean got busy with his teeth and Cas stared at his hand, the right one to be precise, which looked red and swollen, and he joined Dean at the sink letting cold water run over his knuckles, soothing the pain.

"Man, that looks bad, you might want to get that checked out." Dean mumbled around the toothbrush, and Cas wondered whether the boy was right. He had no experience in these matters, but for now this would have to do. Maybe some painkillers and some ice would help. He dug around and found some Advil, popping two in his mouth and threw his head back, swallowing them dry

He held the pack out to Dean. "If you think you can keep them down, it would probably be a good idea to take some."

Dean nodded and took two tablets, washing them down with some water from the tap. A silence settled between them. They both stood there, letting whatever just happened sink in, or possibly trying to blend it out. Dean probably would need to talk about what happened, Cas thought, studying the boy's reflection. But knowing Dean, he would need some time to process. Now was most likely not the right time. He could see how exhausted Dean looked and he himself didn't feel (or look) much better.

He took in both their faces in the mirror and Dean stared back at him from the shiny surface. Dean's left eye was swollen and turning an interesting shade of purple and Cas' own face was sprouting a shiner to rival it. He could make out another bruise on the boy's left cheek where there was dried blood along a small cut. Cas had dried blood on his lip from where it had split. God they looked like they just went three rounds with a bull.

Cas suddenly had to laugh, he couldn't help it. This was what madness must feel like, he was certain. "Look at us!" He snickered, waving a hand between them, pointing at the mirror. Oh god, laughing hurt, and he wondered whether there were more bruises hiding along his body, but he couldn't stop chuckling. This had to be a dream, right?

Dean kept staring at him in the mirror, raising an eyebrow but already felt his own manic laughter bubble up. Cas' face was crinkled up, almost in pain, at it looked so out of place on the man right now that Dean just couldn't help the chortle escaping him. And he was sure he was laughing; he had to be, the way his body was shaking, why then were his eyes welling up all of a sudden? His chuckles suddenly sounding like sobs?

"I'm not going to cry!" he gritted through clenched teeth, facing himself in the mirror.

"Hey it's ok." Dean felt Cas' arms come around him from behind, wrapping him up tight, keeping him safe and Dean couldn't think of a reason not to let go of it all. He turned around, pressing himself tight against the man and burying his face in his neck. His own arms snaked around his friend's torso to the back and he buried his hands in Cas' shirt, bunching it up and holding on to it like otherwise Cas would disappear.

"Cas" Dean whimpered through sobs, his body shaking. Cas tightened his arms around him in response, resting his face in the boy's hair.

"Hey- _hey_ , I'm here, alright." Cas' familiar low voice was like a soothing balm to Dean. Cas moved one of his hands up and carded his fingers through the teenager's hair, the other one still holding him tight, keeping him close.

"Will you still be here tomorrow?" Dean mumbled into Cas' shirt, sobs slowly dying down.

"Of course," Cas replied and knew he meant it. As long as Dean would let him, he'd be here for him.

"Look at me." Cas gently cupped the teenager's face with his hands and lifted his chin until his gaze met his own, beseechingly looking into his green, red rimmed eyes.

"We will figure this out, ok. I promise. And we- but for now, let's clean up those cuts, ok." He spoke softly, and Dean nodded, thankful for the man in front of him, the way he always came through when it mattered, and his mouth curled up at the edges. "Yeah, your lip has seen better days, too." Dean's eyes flicked down to Cas' mouth, and then back up to Cas' eyes, not liking how one eye was almost completely shut, it was so swollen. Cas held his gaze for a long moment, neither of them moving, and Dean could feel his throat go dry, as he swallowed nervously, suddenly feeling a weird kind of buzz under his skin.

Cas was the first to move. He closed the toilet lid and motioned for Dean to sit down. He rummaged through the cabinet again, eventually victoriously producing a tube of antiseptic cream.

He turned to Dean, his eyes roaming over the boy's face, studying his injuries. He gently brought up his hand, tracing the outline of his eye, where it was swollen and bruised. Dean flinched at the contact before relaxing again, leaning into the touch.

"Tender," He hissed.

"Hold on." Cas said before disappearing and coming back a minute later with two bags of frozen peas. One was already pressed against the knuckles of his right hand, although Dean would argue his eye might need it more urgently at present.

"Here, hold this on." Cas offered the other bag to Dean who took it gratefully and pressed it against his eye, watching with his good eye as the man rummaged some more, grabbing a small towel and wetting it before lowering himself and positioning his body between the V of Dean's legs. Dean couldn't help the swallow or the consequent lick of his lips as blood rushed to his face at the sudden intimacy of their position. Cas didn't seem to notice though, his brows furrowing in concentration as he methodically and very gently started to wipe the cloth across Dean's swollen cheek, letting it rest over the dried blood to loosen it. He very carefully stared to remove the dried blood, placing his other, swollen hand on Dean's chin, holding his head still. Dean winced at the initial contact and the sting of the water on the cut but after a second the comfort of the coolness took over and he relaxed, reminding himself that Cas wouldn't hurt him.

"This will be cold,” The older man warned as he placed some of the antiseptic cream on his finger and started to gently working it into the skin. Dean sighed. Once the sting had gone it felt really nice having Cas caress his face. It was weirdly calming and stimulating at the same time.

"There, good as new." Cas smiled up at Dean from where he was still perched between his legs and Dean had to gulp again, already missing the touch. "You sure you haven't got any other cuts or bruises from when, you know-" Cas couldn't get to actually say it, not wanting to upset Dean again.

"Dunno, there was a fair amount of shoving going on. One way to find out." Dean said, before swiftly pulling his shirt off over his head, wincing as his shoulder protested at the movement. Damn his dad must have twisted his arm bad.

Dean stared down at Cas, who suddenly looked like he was in pain as he stared at him.

"Is it bad?" He asked, looking down at himself. He could only make out two small bruises across his right side, and looked back at Cas, confused. What had the man so spooked all of a sudden?

Cas had no idea why he couldn't stop staring. He should focus on the task at hand, but he was mesmerized by the sight in front of him. It physically pained him to see Dean's body bruised, and he really just wanted to march right back over there and give John Winchester a taste of his own medicine (Cas decided there and then to take up boxing or something), at the same time he couldn't help admire Dean, the person he was turning into. He drank in the boy, almost man, and couldn't help but notice the way his body had continued to fill out over these last months, arms stronger and shoulders broader than he remembered.

Dean seemed just as focussed, studying Cas intensely with his green eyes. The way his left eye was almost closed now, skin purple against the otherwise pale skin. He couldn't get himself to move, was scared of even breathing for some reason. He felt like he didn't want to interrupt Cas and whatever daze he had fallen into. Cas' eyes on him like that, like he was something special to behold, made Dean's stomach flip and his pulse quicken. Not that he was anything special but Cas' gaze was like a balm to his soul right now.

Castiel eyes roamed over Dean's chest, fascinated by the freckles dotted across it and the small smattering of hair. He let his gaze drop and come to rest on the larger of the bruises. His breath hitched as he brought up his hand and gently let his fingertips touch the skin, feeling Dean tremble at the contact. "No one should ever be allowed to do that to you." Cas whispered, not quite knowing where the sudden possessiveness in his voice came from, or the body shudder that accompanied his statement.

"Cas" Dean whimpered, the barely there touch throwing him into action. He reached out, cupping the older man's face with his hands, pulling him up and closer to him, close enough that he could feel the laboured exhales on his skin, the faint smell of coffee and alcohol invading his senses as he rested their foreheads together, closing his eyes, just absorbing the presence of this man.

He could feel Cas' warm breath on him, and it send a shiver down his spine despite feeling hot and clammy. Feeling brave, Dean's thumb started to trace the outline of Cas' mouth, coming to a stop at the crusted over blood where his lip split. "You should take care of that." He smiled against Cas skin, where his mouth was brushing his cheek, eyes still closed.

" _Dean_ ," Castiel moaned quietly, not knowing whether he was asking him to stop or begging him to just carry on and do it, put him out of his misery. To break down the last of his resolve, because right now he had none left to spare. He just wanted to fall, to not fight anymore. Show Dean just how much he meant to him, how much he was cherished. Maybe the alcohol, together with the painkillers, he had imbibed earlier made the surrender easier. He by no way was drunk, had all his faculties still, but for once to just let go didn't seem like such a bad idea. There was not doubt in his mind what this would mean for them, the trouble it could cause for him down the line, if he allowed this to continue. Cas closed his eyes, in trepidation or anticipation or quite possibly both, taking in short shallow breaths, skin crawling with nervous energy. Any fight he might have had left was well and truly knocked out of him, and he could hear Dean grunt deep in his throat before he closed the last inch. Cas surged up to meet him, as the teenager pressed his warm soft lips gently against his own and he couldn't, wouldn't pull back for anything.

An electric current went through him at the contact and Cas brought his hand up and around Dean's neck pulling him in deeper, despite feeling his bottom lip sting in protest. But it was too chaste, too little. He needed to feel Dean, desired that passion their last kiss had. He pulled and tugged at Dean's arm and shoulder, desperately pulling the teenager down and Dean eagerly followed. They ended up on the bathroom floor, entangled in each other, silent moans escaping both of them as the kiss deepened.

They only broke apart when feeling dizzy from lack of oxygen, staring into each other's eyes as they caught their breath. Dean caressed Cas' cheek, smiling down at this beautiful man, taking in every aspect of his face, so familiar and yet so different at the moment with the bruises. Dean categorized them all and wanted to kiss them all better one by one. Cas' hand was a warm presence against the skin on his lower back, and he arched into the touch as fingers traced patterns that had Dean come out in goosebumps.

Dean could see Cas open his mouth, quite possibly to say something, but he was not ready to have this end, so he dove in again, chasing those pink and swollen lip with his own, swallowing up whatever Cas was about to say.

Dean teased the seam of Cas' lip before pressing in, eagerly meeting his tongue, eliciting a moan from the older man. The kiss turned more aggressive and Cas couldn't help the deep guttural groan that escaped him. Finally! This was what he needed. He kissed back just as aggressively, allowing himself to put all his pent up emotions into the way his tongue eagerly explored Dean's mouth, teeth clashing with the desperate force of it.

Dean whined with arousal, he could feel Cas' hands all over his bare back and it drove him insane. Forgetting about Cas' injury he bit and pulled Cas bottom lip into his mouth, realising too late the taste of blood that accompanied his action. Cas hissed at the sudden pain, and Dean released the lip, tracing the reopened wound with his finger, mumbling an apology.

"Is ok," Cas panted, sounding totally wrecked as he pulled Dean fully on top of him, just holding him, pressing his face into the crook of his neck, stroking the boys' back reverently, allowing himself to enjoy the physical sensation, loving the way Dean responded with little sighs and nibs to his neck. They stayed like that for a long time, so long that his lip had started to crust over again. Dean eventually started to shiver, possibly from cold or tiredness or both and Cas could feel him go heavy in his arms.

"Hey, don't fall asleep on me like this." He chuckled, placing a gentle kiss into the line of Dean's hair.

"Mmph," the teenager mumbled, burying his head deeper into the side of Cas.

"Come on, I think we both could do with some sleep." He nudged Dean who moved off of him, but only under protest. Cas stood up and pulled Dean up along with him. His body was heavy and aching and the prospect of his soft mattress seemed like heaven.

"Let's get some rest." He took Dean by the hand as he turned off the light, leading them out of the bathroom.

Dean looked at him with tired eyes, and Cas realised he needed to clarify.

"My bed, come on. Not gonna leave you alone tonight." God he was so screwed. This literally could ruin his life, but once you fell, it was hard getting back up and despite that, there really was no way that he would leave Dean on his own right now.

Dean smiled for a second, this time it reached his eyes, Cas couldn't help but smile back, before a pensive worry took over the boy's features.

"You not gonna regret this in the morning or- make me leave?" He suddenly sounded so vulnerable, it broke Cas' heart. He wrapped him up in his arms, kissing him gently.

"Possibly but no, I won't." He said truthfully, hoping he was making any sense. "But- we will need to talk- _tomorrow_. Now is not the time and-" Cas eyes grew wide in panic, even his swollen one. "Oh god, I will need to break up with Alan." That particular truth hit him, hard. Dean's heart flipped excitedly at that, he didn't even really feel bad about being selfish. He probably was just too exhausted to muster such deep emotions at present.

Cas gulped, again he and his messed up ways would affect someone else's life negatively. When would he stop hurting people? He had only ever tried to do what was right. And look where it got him- again. Why did it always have to come to this? What would he even say to him? From where Alan was standing everything was good between them. But he just knew he couldn't carry on his relationship, not when he had, _oh god_ \- those kind of feelings for someone else, no matter how complicated the situation was or whether it would ever lead to anything. He was well and truly in too deep.

Dean must have see the panic written all over his face, as he squeezed his hand, and rubbed his thumb over the swollen knuckles, so gently it didn't even hurt. "Hey, we will work it all out tomorrow, remember?" He said softly, placing a peck on Cas' cheek.

Cas smiled gratefully at Dean, nodding in agreement and pulled him along towards his bedroom. They didn't bother removing the rest of their clothes, as they were tired to the bone. They just crawled under the blanket, Dean moulding himself against Cas' side like he belonged there, feeling safe in the man's arms and despite thinking he couldn't, falling asleep within minutes shortly followed by an exhausted Castiel.

#

Cas woke with a start. Head pounding, lip burning and his right hand throbbing. He was only able to open his left eye a tiny bit and it felt tender to the touch. He really needed more painkillers. He looked over at the sleeping form of Dean. He had a feeling he should be freaking out, should chastise himself for, in a way, willingly taking the boy to bed with him. Yet he felt surreally calm as he fondly gazed down at the teenager. Dean looked so peaceful despite his black eye, and Cas just couldn't regret his actions when this was the result. He quietly made his way out of the bed, replacing his body with a pillow that Dean immediately clutched tight. He headed to the bathroom for some more Advil, groaning in pain when he saw the packet empty.

He might have some more in the kitchen, he remembered, so he padded down the stairs, the first light of morning giving the house an eerie greyish glow. He located another pack and took two with some water. He wondered what time it was, surely it must be time to get up soon. Where was his phone? Cas remembered he left it in the living room after he- a train of realisation hit him full on. Oh god, the _email_. He had completely forgotten about it with everything that happened last night and the timing really couldn't be any worse. There was no way he would be able to deal with his family today. He had other, more urgent matters that needed taking care off. They would just have to get in line.

He made his way into the living room, coming to an abrupt stop in front of the couch, where he could make out the sleeping form of Sammy, curled up on himself, still wearing his jacket and with no blanket. It was almost summer but the house still got cold at night. He must have let himself in during the night, and for a second Cas panicked, wondering if he had gone upstairs and saw him and Dean, but then he relaxed. He would have just seen them share a bed and if anyone would understand that Dean was distressed last night it would be Sammy. But why was he here? Cas had no idea what that could mean with regards to John but he was not yet awake enough to really care.

He quickly went upstairs getting a spare blanket, returning with it and draping it over Sammy. He then located his phone on the coffee table and, leaving Sammy to sleep, moved back into the kitchen, turning his phone on. Ten texts and five voicemails it informed him, and Cas stared at the notices for a long time. Also it was almost 6.30. Time to get up and face the day. He already decided he would call in sick. There was no way he would go to work looking like this. As for Dean, he probably would be better off at home, too. He could call his school as he assumed he was still listed as one of Dean's contacts but Sammy, unless Dean had added Cas' name on his contact list as well, would have to go to school.

God, his head was already hurting and he hadn't even had any coffee yet. He needed to call Bobby as well, see if there was anything the man could do to help Dean and Sam and- Alan! He needed to speak to him, urgently. Cas' head was going a hundred miles an hour, and he buried his face in his hands, letting out a deep long sigh.

He didn't hear Dean come down the stairs. The teenager stopped in the doorway, looking at Cas' huddled form at the table, and felt a pang of affection tugging at his heart, worried what might be going through his head, his stomach cramping at the prospect that Cas might regret last night. That he took those hurtful words his father spewed at him to heart. Dean couldn't stand the thought.

"You know, it's not true- what my dad said."

Cas looked up through his fingers, eyes meeting Dean's.

"You didn't do anything wrong. You sure as hell didn't turn me into this - whatever this is. God I don't even know what I am, but it's not your fault." When all he got was silence in response, he took a few steps closer towards the man, not breaking their eye contact.

"And you know- generally no one can make me do something I don't want." He smiled at Cas and was thankful when Cas finally smiled back at him, small as it might be, it counted. Cas let out another sigh and nodded his head at Dean. His mind was a jumble but it felt good, like a relief to hear Dean say those words. Without a doubt there was plenty he had done wrong, but one thing he was sure of. There was nothing wrong with him, or Dean, for liking people of the same sex, and John could go to hell if he couldn't accept his son for it.

Dean walked up behind Cas, wrapping his arms around the man's shoulders and leaning down, placing a quick kiss on his lips in what was meant to be a comforting gesture.

Cas shied away from the kiss and the boy stared at him, uncertainty and hurt written all over his face.

"Sammy's next door." Cas volunteered like that would explain his hesitance, and to a degree it did. Dean's face went from worried to confused to relieved.

"Thank god, he's safe." He said, pulling up a chair and sitting down next to Cas. The man was currently studying his hands like they held the answers to all the universe's questions. Dean covered them with his own, but otherwise waited patiently for Cas to finish whatever thinking it was that he needed to do.

Cas was having an internal conversation with himself. He knew logically that he should stop this right now but he couldn't face the prospect of pushing Dean away again, hurting him like that after having been a more than willing participant last night. Dean didn't deserve that, just because Cas was too weak to stick to his own rules. And goddamnit, he didn't want to push him away any more. Was tired of pretending that there was nothing more between them. Short of never seeing Dean again, he had a feeling they would always end up here in one form or another. And Cas was not prepared to cut Dean out of his life. God knows Cas had tried to keep his distance and failed, every goddamn time. He didn't know what to do but there had to be a way.

Cas looked up at Dean then, all serious. "I honestly have no idea what I'm doing here, Dean." He suddenly blurted out, removing his hands from under Dean's and working them frantically through his hair. Dean's face fell, and Cas quickly grabbed his hand in reassurance.

"Not like that! I know it should be wrong, _we_ should be wrong- but apparently whatever this is, it is not going away any time soon." He fixed Dean with his blue eyes. "It seems that you got under my skin in a way that you shouldn't and no matter what, I can't get you out of my head. And I can guess that it is the same way for you. I feel things for you that I know is considered wrong but-."

Dean swallowed nervously while listening attentively and squeezing Cas' hand in reassurance and anticipation of where this was heading.

"If- I - if this is what you _really_ want, if you're sure - and I need you to be sure, Dean, I'm- I could wait for you."

Dean's face split into a wide grin, even though doing so hurt, he couldn't help it. His heart was about to jump out of is chest.

"Yes, I'm sure," was all he managed to say. He'd be stupid to not grab hold of anything Cas might offer him. His stomach was coiling itself into knots as he smiled at the man next to him.

"We need to- you know we can't have a proper relationship, at least not before you're 17, 18 if it was for me. But I wouldn't be seeing anyone else, and we can hang out and do stuff, see if we work well together, if you want." Cas couldn't quite believe he was saying this but it was the best his mind could come up with while trying to hold on to at least a shred of accountability and to maybe get a little bit of what they both clearly want. He was pretty sure he could do without the sexual aspects, he had years of practice after all. Now the question was whether Dean could do the same.

"Like close friends?" Dean tried to clarify, face shining with excitement.

"Yeah, I suppose like close friends. And I'm not gonna hold you to it if- like in any relationship, you might change your mind."

"Don't think that is likely to happen." Dean protested. Why would he not want to be with Cas?

"Not saying it will, just putting it out there, you are still so young and you might decide you want different things as you grow up, might want to try to figure out what it is you really like." It hurt Cas to think about Dean like that but he would not stifle the teenager and any self-exploration he still had to do.

"Hey, it's a two-way street." Dean cringed at his platitude. "If you make the commitment so will I! I told you I'm old enough to know what I want and the rest we can make up as we go."

Cas smiled at that. "So we take this as a starting point, is that ok?"

Dean let this scenario sink in for a moment, his heart picking up in pace at the prospect of allowed to spent time with Cas whenever he wanted to, not having to share him with anyone else. He could only see one flaw. "Will I be ok to kiss you, because right now, I really fucking want to!"

Cas looked like he gave this some serious consideration, blue eyes fixed on Dean, as the boy eagerly waited for his answer, looking like he was ready to pounce should the answer be 'yes'. A small part of him knew that even conceding this much would be a step too far, but they already had crossed that line, hadn't they, and he had loved every second of it.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea but, maybe on occasion and in private only, and nothing more until you're 18. I still could get into a lot of trouble should people think were are more than just 'close' friends."

"17." Dean cut in immediately, and Cas huffed in resigned laughter. "Dean, this is no joking matter."

"Sorry, of course." Dean felt stupid for letting his emotions and wants run away with him. He didn't want to screw this up before it had even started. "Just, you know- I'm so happy right now."

Cas smiled at him then and Dean grinned, a new wave of affection for this man washing over him, before leaning in then stopping for a second to gauge Cas' reaction. Cas held his gaze and closed the distance placing a small peck on Dean's lips before moving back, still smiling and squeezing the boys' hand.

"I must have gone batshit crazy." He huffed amused and Dean burst out laughing at Cas' unusual choice of words. This day was already a thousand times better than he could have ever hoped for.

The front door banged shut, followed by a "Hey Cas, I brought breakfast."

"Shit," Cas groaned as he removed his hand from Dean's, his heart rate spiking. Dean jumped up from his place next to him like he suddenly was one fire. Cas looked at the door with trepidation. He knew he had to start somewhere, might as well start with his 'chat' with Alan. Apparently someone had decided it was time for him to face the music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you hate John Winchester right now? And hopefully I managed to give you some serious DeanCas feels.
> 
> Also sorry for the small cliff-hanger, but there was just not way to get it all in one chapter. I'll try to update as fast as possible.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter is a bit of a roller-coaster, as is to be expected with everything that's going on. And I'm no doctor, so the bit about Castiel's hand is based on Google and some artistic license.

"Hey bab- what the hell happened to you?" Alan nearly dropped the bag of croissants that was clutched in his hand as he entered the kitchen and saw the state Cas was in. He rushed over, taking in his partner's battered face. Then, realizing that he wasn't alone in the kitchen, his gaze shifted to Dean, who stood awkwardly against the kitchen counter, suddenly very aware that he was still shirtless. He felt rather naked and crossed his arms defensively over his chest, while his gaze shifted from Cas to Alan and back again.

"What is going on here?" Alan demanded to know, eyes flitting between the two. Dean tried his best to look casual but failed miserably and if Castiel wouldn't stop that 'deer in headlight' expression that was currently gracing his face, Dean had no doubt Alan might just figure _some_ things out for himself.

"Long story." Cas mumbled, and wasn't that the truth. He felt such an intense bout of shame and guilt and an overbearing bone-crushing tiredness from everything that had happened that he couldn't meet the other man's eyes.

"Care to elaborate? You look - are you ok?" Alan enquired, sounding more concerned now as he noticed the slight waver in Castiel's voice. He took the man's chin in his hand, turning his face this way and that, examining the damage. His worried gaze met Castiel's, who finally pulled his eyes up. Cas nodded his head in a silent answer but he saw on his partner's face that he didn't quite believe him. Alan's fingers were brushing against his uninjured cheek before leaning in about to place a small peck on the cheek. Castiel pulled away, eyes briefly searching out Dean before coming back to rest on Alan, trying to give the man an apologetic smile, and Alan looked even more confused, and possibly a bit hurt.

"What is going on? Who did this? Have you reported-" He eyed Dean again, "And what is he doing here? Did- is-"

"Alan, we need to talk." Cas sounded eerily calm even to his own ears as he uttered the words, despite his heart beating out a fast beat inside his chest.

"Ok."

"Dean, would you mind giving us a minute?" Cas shifted his attention to the teenager whose eyes lingered on him.

"Sure, should probably check on how Sammy's doing anyway." Dean was fast to agree and quickly made his exit to the sound of a chair being pulled up and a “You're going to tell me who did this to you?” from Alan. If this _talk_ was going the way he assumed and sincerely hoped it would be going, he'd rather not be privy to it. No matter how much he desired Cas for himself and was ecstatic they got to this point, his conscience made itself known with a vengeance. He couldn't help but feel bad for this Alan, the guy who without a doubt cared for Cas, had helped his introvert, awkward friend to get to this point of self-acceptance, and who might be about to get his heart broken. But in the end, Dean reasoned if only to feel less guilty, he had spotted Cas first and if it hadn't always been about his stupid age they would have been a thing a long time ago. Dean sneaked into the living room, smiling at the sight of a lightly snoring Sammy. He had no idea what made his brother leave or how he managed to get past their dad, but he was glad he was here.

The teenager started to make a mental list of everything that he might need to do over these next few days, like finding a way of getting all his stuff if his dad stayed unreasonable, find a new, better part time job than the paper routes and most importantly, how to ensure that Sammy would stay with him. In between, his thoughts drifted to Cas and what this new kind of friendship slash relationship they just had agreed upon might involve while trying to ensure that the man stayed safe. He couldn't help the exciting flutter in his stomach at the prospect of time spent with the man and his mind wandered to all the things that they might get away with doing. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't help but notice the increased volume of voices drifting in from the kitchen and the awareness that, at least to a point, he was the reason for the current conflict.

"I don't understand- I thought we were- why?"

Cas cringed at the hurt tone in the other man's voice. He couldn't believe that he was about to give him the 'It's not you, it's me' speech. But in a way it was the truth. It was not Alan's fault that Cas, despite his better judgment and determination not to, had developed 'more than just friends' kind of feelings for Dean, and apparently did not have it in him to deny these any longer, no matter how much he still wanted to fight against them. He was sure he loved Alan, he just didn't love him enough. But Cas cared for him enough to know that it would be unfair to pretend that this was what he wanted while secretly pining for someone else. Damn, if he had been completely honest with himself before, as scary as that thought still was, he could have spared them ending up here, and maybe even found a way of cauterizing those emotions for Dean to avoid them overtaking him so completely. Alan deserved more than this, someone who could love him like he deserved. Better a quick end than a prolonged lie. If Cas had learned anything from his past it was this nugget of truth.

He must have been quiet for too long, as it was Alan who spoke again. "Did I do something wrong? If so, tell me and I can try and fix this."

Cas gulped and shook his head. "No, you did nothing wrong, on the contrary you're a real great person- I-, I just- there is so much going on in my life right now and I just cannot- I care for you, I really do, but I cannot do this relationship, not when my heart is not in it. It would not be fair to you if I kept this going. You deserve so much better than me."

Alan stared at him for a long time, Adam's apple bobbing, and jaw clenching while he tried to absorb the information. "I- we were happy, weren't we?" Suddenly his eyes went wide. "Is this- did your family put you up to this? Are they pressuring you? You did sent that email, right?" He asked, a new level of concern in his voice, that Cas had no right to receive.

"No, I mean yes, I did sent the email but- as you can see," Cas pointed at his face, "There were more urgent matters I had to attend to, I haven't even opened my messages. So no, it is not my family making me do this. They do not run my life any longer."

"Then what? When I left everything seemed fine. What happened here last night?" Alan's voice was short and clipped, showing his frustration, his hands running through his hair.

Cas sighed, not able to hide his exhaustion. He was not sure how much information he should convey especially with regards to Dean's circumstances, but he felt he owed Alan at least some version of the truth.

"It was- I'm not going to go into details because it is not my place to tell but Dean's father found out some things about his son and let's say, he did not like it very much and was getting physical and Sammy was worried and came to me for help."

Alan's jaw clenched. "Their father did this? Please tell me you reported him."

"No, and-"

"Hell, Cas!" Alan shouted in an unlikely manner. He was normally calm personified. "This man beat up you up- and his son- and you are not going to do anything about this?"

"It is complicated."

"No, it's really not. This is assault and that's what the police is there for. You're not seriously letting this man get away with this? You need-"

"I asked him not to." Dean stood in the doorway, having overheard most of the conversation. It was hard not to with the shouting and all. Sammy was by his side, blinking tiredly at them and Alan's eyes grew wide at seeing the bruise on the kid's face.

"Did he hit you too?" He asked the younger brother. As much as he was ambivalent about the older Winchester, he could wholeheartedly say that he liked Sammy. He had an inkling that his home life wasn't the picture perfect one, being as he chose to hang around Castiel's house most of the time, but he had no idea it was a violent home. Sammy shook his head. "Just got caught between the line of fire." He shrugged way to casual for Alan's liking.

"This is- you need to report this!" Alan sounded exasperated and like he was one second away from calling the cops himself.

"No!" Dean said again. "We can handle this and anyway- it's none of your business." He hadn't intended to sound quite so harsh but he was panicking. He'd rather run away with Sammy than let the police or child protection or some overly concerned dude tear them apart.

"Like hell it is. If Castiel is getting hurt, it is my business." Alan turned to glare at Dean head on.

"And _what_ makes you think I wouldn't care that he got hurt? I was there after all!" Dean was furious now. He felt guilty as hell that Cas got caught in the line of fire and bore the bruises to prove it because of him, he didn't need anyone else implying that he didn't care.

"Alan, please." Castiel pleaded quietly from his place at the table, while the man and Dean stared each other down. It dawned on him that this quite possibly had been a real bad time to break up with Alan, what with the boys here and with what had transpired between him and Dean (Dean who currently was acting like the 'alpha male' his brother had labeled him as which was definitely not helping current matters). And on top of it all loomed the situation with the brothers' father, but there was no backing down now, it would just unnecessarily complicate things further.

Alan cocked a brow at Castiel, but only after he gave Dean a glowering stare. "Oh- _right_ , apparently what happens to you is not my business any longer." He sounded resigned. "What happened to you, Castiel?"

"Please, maybe we can talk this over later, when my head is not about to split in half." He cast a pleading look at his, he guessed now former partner.

"Will that change any of what you just told me?" Alan's brown eyes searched Castiel's face for some sign, not trying to hide the hurt or the anger.

"No." Cas answered, while suddenly feeling an inexplicable urge to study his hands.

"Right." Alan got up, pulled out his keychain and removed Cas' front door key. "Guess I won't need this any longer."

"I'm sorry, I really am." Cas said, voice wavering, swallowing back a small sob. He knew he had no right to be upset, still it hurt and he would miss Alan's company, he had been a good and loyal friend to Cas over this last year.

"Me too." Alan replied tight lipped. "I guess I'll be- seeing you around or something." With that the man turned around, coming to a stop before Sammy.

"You need anything, you got my number, ok." He briefly nodded at Dean before he left and a moment after the front door banged shut.

"Oh god." Cas buried his head in his hands. He was shaking. Dean wanted nothing more than to rush to his side and embrace him but with his brother here, he abstained.

Sammy looked between the two, not really understanding what was happening. "You- did you just break up with Alan?" He fixed Castiel with a baffled glare. They had been so good together. He loved having Alan here and there was no indication that there was something wrong between Cas and the other man.

"Not now," Dean scolded his brother before Cas could answer and Sammy nodded, albeit begrudgingly. He didn't very much like not being in the loop.

Cas took in a big gulp of air and faced the boys. He had to keep it together. They still needed to figure out what to do about their home situation.

"How did you get out?" He asked the younger Winchester.

"After the whole thing, dad hit the bottle pretty hard and then, when he was out, I assume he went to some bar to finish what he started. I heard him leave and thought where's the point in sitting home alone, when I'd rather be here with you guys."

Cas nodded at that. "But he will be back and I can imagine he will not be happy about you going AWOL. But for now, I think we will have to get you to school and then I better call Bobby and tell him what's going on and hope he can talk some sense into your father, because otherwise we might just have to look into other options." Cas saw the look on Dean's face and the way he shook his head. "No that I want to but he might not leave us much choice, because the way he treats you cannot continue."

"Can't we just stay with you?" Sammy asked, being too young to see the complications such a request would bring.

"If only it was that easy. But let's not worry about this until we are out of alternatives." Cas suggested trying to lighten the mood and the boys nodded in agreement.

Dean tried to insist that Sammy should stay at home with them but the little nerd whined about a test or something he had to sit today, plus Cas had a rather convincing argument about stirring the pot if Sammy would just miss school without getting reported as absent by their father. Dean begrudgingly gave in to his kid brother and reason at large. He didn't much like having Sammy go off with the bruise on his face but the younger Winchester was adamant that he would be fine and would tell the teacher he hurt himself while playing ball, should they even bother to ask, that was. Still Dean insisted on at least sending him off to a full stomach and got busy in the kitchen making some pancakes for them all while Cas prepared some coffee and a hot chocolate for Sam, just about managing with the minimal use of his right hand, which was still swollen and throbbed painfully.

While Dean fussed over Sam, Cas called Dean's school and then his workplace, informing them that neither would be able to attend today due to health reasons. By the time Sammy finally left, he had his second mug of coffee in front of him and his cell clutched in his left hand. He eyed the object like he was figuring out how to use it for the first time. Cas was delaying this particular call, he was well aware, instead staring at the message symbol, finger hovering over it, deliberating whether he should just get it over with and read them now or save the best for last, so to speak.

But he had no idea when or in what mood John would be back and it seemed adamant to inform Bobby and get his input. He was not too proud to admit that this was mainly because he was apprehensive of another squabble with the man. Mind made up he scrolled through his contacts and pressed the number before he could change it again.

Bobby picked up on the third ring.

"Castiel?" The gruff voice sounded surprised. It was not often that Cas called the older man.

"Hello Bobby. How are you?"

"Doin' alright, the usual ya know. I take it this is not your average Monday morning 'How'ya doin' call. What can I do ya for?"

No beating around the bush with Bobby. Castiel liked that about him. In his peripheral vision he saw Dean re-enter the kitchen, refilling his own mug of coffee before joining Cas at the table.

"Son? What's wrong?" Bobby asked, now sounding alarmed at Cas' extended silence.

"It is, well- there was an altercation between Dean and his father last night and-"

"What did the dimwit do this time?"

Cas actually didn't quite know whether that was aimed at Dean or at John. "Well, it is‑" Castiel stalled, looking over at Dean. Again, he was not sure it was his place to give away Dean's situation but at the same time it was kind of vital in order for Bobby to understand the severity of it. And what- what if Bobby was of the same opinion as Dean's father? Stupidly, that thought had not occurred to Cas until this moment. He quirked an eyebrow at Dean in a silent question.

"Letme talk to him." The boy held out his slightly shaky hand, and took the phone off Cas.

"Hey Bobby." Dean tried to sound cheerful but the tightness in his voice was obvious.

"Dean, give it to me straight. If Castiel calls me first thing in the mornin' I take it's bad."

"Well-" he fidgeted with the mug of coffee, almost knocking it over in the process, but Cas, bless him, caught it just in time.

"No need to sugar-coat it boy, just shoot."

"Dad kicked me out. He- found some stuff of mine and kind of went nuts and-"

"What _stuff_? You didn't get yourself into any more trouble, did ya?" Bobby interrupted.

"NO, no, just-" Dean gulped, his eyes searching for Cas', locking gaze with him and taking in another deep breath. He could hear Bobby shuffle about on the other end, and could imagine him taking off his cap to work his hand through his thinning hair. His heart was now hammering in his chest. He would have to tell someone- Bobby- about his experimentation or whatever the fuck he had been trying to figure out when he was looking at those images.

"I- dad used the computer last night and I forgot to clear the history- yeah I know, stupid me." Dean said self-deprecatingly when the man on the other line huffed in amusement. "And well- he saw the special sites I went on and-" Dean gulped. "Damn it- they were of two guys doing you know- _things_ and he got mad and yelled at me- and tore up my room and found more of those kinds of skin mags and-" God he hoped he didn't have to spell it out for the man, his face was already burning.

"Oh." Bobby said abruptly, understanding dawning, and Dean could feel his hands start to sweat, his free hand searching out Cas' and clutching it, hard. The man gave him a squeeze in return.

"That it, or is there more?" Bobby enquired after a moment's pause.

"Erm- he found some cigarettes I got off a friend of mine." Dean said nonplussed.

"So, no one is killed or in police custody- you didn't start taking drugs or joined a cult?"

"No-"

There was a big exhale on the other line. "Damn it, you idjit. You had me real worried here for a second."

Dean felt like a big stone literally rolled off his shoulders and let out a massive sigh. "Now you listen to me son, not that this- sexual- stuff is my field of expertise- but there ain't nothing that would make me care for you less, especially not where you want to put- ya know... got that?!" Bobby mumbled sounding slightly flustered.

"Yes, Sir." Dean replied, giving Cas a small smile of relief.

"Now put Castiel back on, will ya?"

"Yeah, right. Bye Bobby." Dean handed the cell back and took a big gulp of his coffee, finally able to enjoy the taste.

"How bad is it, what exactly did John do?"

Castiel relayed as best as possible what happened over at the Winchester house the night before, not leaving out the injuries and the fact that Dean hadn't wanted the police involved, occasionally getting interrupted by a grunt or a mumbled curse from Bobby.

"But they're safe now." He asked when Cas had finished.

"For now, but honestly, I do not know what to do or how to proceed from here, and I was wondering whether you could talk some sense into John. Clearly he will not listen to me." Cas almost added 'a fag' but thought better of it at the last second. He was pretty sure Bobby must have picked up on him and Alan having been a couple last time he was here but he didn't want to rub his face in it right now.

"Already tryin' to clear my schedule as we speak. I will have to see if I can get one of the guys to cover for me at the garage, that might take a few hours, and even then, I don't think I'll make it there before tomorrow. You think you can hold on to them boys till then?"

"Yes, yes of course." Castiel would not let the brothers go back to their place for now but he was worried what would happen if John, most likely drunk, would come to his house and demanded entry. He was a strong man and surely would know how to kick down a door.

"I can hear ya think all the way over here. Don't ya worry your pretty little head, just keep them boys with ya. I'll try and call John ASAP, talk some sense into that noggin of his. What was he even thinking? Just- do what you have to do if he causes any more trouble." Cas understood that to mean to get the police involved if need be and told Bobby that he would.

Bobby hung up with a "take care of them boys" and a "See ya tomorrow."

"And?" Dean asked curious as to the outcome.

"He's trying to get here by tomorrow, until then, we just have to wait and see I suppose."

"Ok." Dean nodded in understanding.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, savoring the rest of their coffees. Cas' cell was still burning hot in his hand with unopened messages and voicemails. He could feel the painkillers start to wear off and his body still felt sore and he could do with some more, or maybe another couple of hours of rest- or most likely both. But his mind was just too busy for sleep. He randomly turned the cell on and off, staring at it blankly.

"Hey, it's going to be ok." Dean broke the silence, having watched Cas drawing in on himself over the last few minutes. He walked over and wrapped his arms around the man from behind, still feeling bad for having put Cas through all of this.

"It's not that- well not just. I- I came out to my family last night and I don't know if I can deal with them now." He waved his cell and Dean noticed the notifications.

"You did what? Man that's real huge." Dean didn't know the whole story but he knew some of Castiel's family history and his fear about them finding out about his sexuality. Especially in light of what had transpired with his own dad last night, he thought Cas was damn brave for taking that step.

"Or real stupid." Cas' hands were shaking. It was like the inevitable confirmation was there, right in front of him, but as long as he didn't open them, didn't acknowledge their contents, it was not real, he could pretend that maybe his family accepted him regardless. A bit like Schrödinger's Cat, and Cas really didn't want to find out that his relationship with his family was dead.

"I'm here," Dean squeezed Cas' shoulder and leaned in, placing a kiss into his friend's messy dark hair, because he was kind of allowed now and more importantly, because Cas looked like he needed it.

Cas smiled a woeful smile and brought his hand up, placing it on top of Dean's, still resting on his shoulder.

"I know." Maybe it should unnerve him that those simple words from Dean had such a profound effect on him but he suddenly felt like he could face those messages, with the teenager there by his side. Before he could change his mind, he pressed on the message symbol and on the top message, from his dear brother Balthazar who, as expected, had taken on the role of spokesperson for the family. 'How could you do this to mother and father' and 'There will be a family meeting immediately, attendance not optional!' jumped out at him. He didn't even bother to read the rest and instead skimmed over the other messages. They were pretty much along similar lines, the occasional slur like 'Abomination' (courtesy of Raphael) and 'You need to get over this rebellious phase and find your way back to the way of righteousness' (Anna) thrown in. His mother sent the nugget of 'We did not bring you up to be like this' and ended her voicemail (Castiel with Dean's support felt courageous enough to listen to those) with that they knew of a very good place where these urges could get taken care off and that they are already enquiring about a place for him. His father was disappointed in him and accused him of being selfish and not caring for the rest of his family or he would not put them through this suffering.

By the end of the messages, Cas' face was wet. He had no idea at what point he had started to cry. It was not like he hadn't expected their reaction, still it hurt so goddamn much to have the people who should love you unconditionally call you all the possible names under the sun. Dean's hands had tightened incrementally on his arms while the boy was perched over his shoulder, first reading and then listening to the messages with him. He whispered sweet nothings of "It will be ok" and "You will always have me's" in Castiel's ear and right now Castiel needed to believe them to be true, no matter how much his logical, analytical side wanted to protest that no, one day Dean would grow out of this infatuation and find someone more suitable for his age, maybe even a girl he could start a family with. Deep down Castiel knew this was a one-way street to disaster; still he let Dean hold him and smashed his face against the boy's bare torso as he hugged him back.

Dean was seething. He had so many choice things to say about Cas' family but he swallowed them all back, for now. He had experienced first hand what it felt like to be in Cas' shoes and knew that bad mouthing his family would do no good. The hurt was there and it was real no matter how wrong these people were. Instead he did what he'd hoped would help. Held Cas just like the man had held him last night, placed little kisses along his neck and face and just waited for the wave of pain to wash over him. That didn't stop the constant 'Fuck them' that was going round in his head. In fact Dean decided that the whole world with its preconceptions and rules and stereotypes and pretend bullshit could go and fuck itself. If this was the result he'd rather follow his own rules and to hell with the rest.

The beeping of Cas' cell was what made them jump apart after what felt like minutes but must have been a good half hour of just holding each other close and Dean had no idea that doing something apparently so ordinary and boring could make time fly like it had.

Cas opened the message. A simple one liner from Gabriel. "Call me," it read. Cas looked at it and his lips curved into a small smile. Who would have thought that a message from his exasperating brother could ever do that to him. But Gabriel had proved loyal and Cas should probably call him to get the low down on the latest family talk.

"You ok?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, just Gabriel."

"Oh, is he- what did he say?" Dean's gaze grew weary. Cas didn't need any more bad news.

"You might not believe this but he is kind of the good guy here. Wants me to call him, probably to find out how bad the backlash was. I told him I was going to do this."

"Oh, and he's- ok with _it_?"

"To be honest I am not quite sure but at the very least he is accepting regardless and also tired of our family's bigotry, so we have that in common. And he has helped me a great deal over these last few months. If it hadn't been for him, I might have well lost this house." Castiel informed the teenager.

Dean hadn't thought it possible that he ever would have a positive thought about one of Cas' brothers, and annoying as he had found Gabriel to be in the past he couldn't help a 'Thank god' cross his mind. Cas' voice held a kind of fondness in it when talking about his brother that Dean recognized as a distinct mixture or affection and exasperation, one he himself had used when talking to or about Sammy.

"So, you gonna call him?" Dean probed gently.

"I probably should but- I think I will grab a shower first and possibly some more painkillers. How are you feeling by the way?" It occurred to Cas that he hadn't enquired about Dean's wellbeing yet.

"Been better but nothing I can't deal with." Dean shrugged his shoulders. "Plus you're here so that's- yeah." Dean said and feeling daring, gave Cas a meaningful look. He smirked when that got a reaction out of the older man.

"Oookay," Cas took in a deep breath, collecting himself. Dean definitely had picked up how to flirt. This was unchartered territory and Cas still half feared that even smiling at the boy 'wrongly' would get him into trouble. He busied himself by grabbing the mugs and bringing them over to the sink, cursing his fluttering heart.

"Gonna head for the shower. Why don't you- if you need a new shirt, socks or- boxers," Cas swallowed, "just look in my drawer and, you want to take the first shower?" He added as an afterthought.

"Na, you go first, I'm gonna clear up in here."

"You don't have to." Cas was quick to point out.

"I know but I want to." Dean always liked being busy and cleaning and taking care of stuff, he knew how to do. Plus Cas' hand still looked like shit and probably needed some rest.

#

An hour later they were both freshly showered and dressed. Cas' hand had proved pretty useless while he attempted to put on his trousers, apparently one hand was not enough to fiddle a button through its hole. After a few infuriating tries and the odd mumbled curse, he opted for some sweatpants as there was no way he would ask Dean to do the button for him. The state of his hand started to concern him and after some gentle coaxing from Dean, Cas decided it might be best to get it looked at professionally. That was why Dean, to Cas' slight embarrassment, was kneeled on the floor in front of him, helping him into his shoes and tying the laces before they made their way down to the nearest hospital.

Driving basically one-handed was an experience to put it lightly, and a long wait and an x-ray later they were on their way home again. Cas' hand was in a splint and he felt a bit emasculated that he couldn't even punch someone without hurting himself. The x-ray had shown a hairline fracture to two of his fingers and the doctor suspected he might have a sprained wrist. He must have hit Dean's father (not that they disclosed that to the doctor) at an unfortunate angle. Cas was told to keep the splint on for about three weeks and was handed a follow up appointment to see that he regained full movement of his wrist and fingers.

There was a tense moment as Cas pulled up into his drive, when Dean noticed John stumble into the Winchester house. Cas had no idea whether he was just too drunk to care or whether Bobby had already contacted him and put him straight, but apart from a short cold glare he ignored them and disappeared into the house.

Still, they both were eager to get inside and close the door behind them. "Damn shoes." Cas cursed as he tried to kick them off without having to undo the laces. It must have been the events of the last 24 hours catching up with him, as Cas felt his mood plummeting as irritation took over.

"Let me help you." Dean was quick to offer.

"No, I can, letme just-" Cas grunted in frustration, taking of his jacket one-handed proved just as challenging.

"Cas, come on," Dean took hold of the jacket, helping Cas to shrug out of it before hanging it up and steering the man towards the couch in the living-room.

"Sit." He ordered and Cas complied, letting his body sink into the couch and sighing.

"Fancy some lunch? I can probably whip up something."

"Dean, you really don't need to." Cas was quick to respond although he felt warmed by the way Dean was lavishing him with attention. It really showed that he had taken care of his brother since he was little. He seemed to be in his element.

"Shut up and tell me what you want." Dean said with a slight tease in his voice.

"Alright, alright. I could do with a sandwich I suppose."

"Grilled cheese?"

"Sounds good." Cas smiled at the boy.

"And you look like you could do with some more coffee." Dean commented, about to turn and leave.

"I can make the coffee." Cas felt like he should at least try and help.

"I know you're rather particular about how you have your coffee but- aren't you lucky that I watched you rather _closely_ when you used to prepare it." He added with a wink.

Cas felt a slight flutter in his gut and was wrecking his brain whether to reply with something equally as flirtatious (if he could even think of something to say) or whether that would be overstepping the boundaries, when his cell started to ring.

His brother's name flashed on the screen. "Gabriel. God, I forgot to cal him earlier."

"Say what, you talk to your brother, I start on the food." Dean offered.

Cas nodded his head before accepting the call.

"Hello Gabriel."

"Hey bro. Glad to hear you're alive."

"Oh. I apologize for not having called earlier but I had some business to attend to." If he had known his brother was that concerned for his well-being he would have called back right away.

"Just was worried, 's all. As long as you're holding up ok. From the bits I have heard from our beloved siblings it can't have been too pretty."

Cas snorted. "Yeah, pretty is not something I would associate with being called an 'Abomination'."

"Ah, I'm sorry, I really am, not that much else was to be expected." Gabriel sighed.

"No." Castiel agreed. "Still, you know- there was that little stupid flicker of hope that somehow family means more than some rigid and outdated traditions. That _I_ actually mean more to them than some interpretation of some lines of texts and what other people might think about me or them."

Gabriel hummed in agreement.

"So, I take it that you will spare yourself the mandatory family gathering then?", Gabriel enquired after a moments silence when he seemed to think about what to say next. Cas appreciated his brother's concern but right now, he himself really didn't know what else there might be to talk about.

"Honestly, I haven't thought about it yet, I had-"

Dean appeared and placed a hot steaming mug of coffee in front of him, giving his shoulder a comforting squeeze. Cas mumbled a "Thanks" and squeezed Dean's hand in return.

"Oh, say 'Hi' to Alan from me. I hope he's making sure you're looked after."

Cas gulped audibly. "Oh that was not- Alan and I broke up."

"What? When was that? The guy has some pretty shitty timing to call it off." Gabriel sounded outraged.

"No, please don't blame him. It was I that ended our relationship." Cas hoped that his brother wouldn't ask as to the reasons as he really didn't feel he would be able to lie anymore today. He felt like he had lied and bended the truth enough and he was exhausted.

"I- why?"

"Gabriel." Cas pleaded.

"Of course, sorry, you have a lot on your plate. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'll be here." His brother was quick to relent and Castiel was grateful for it.

"Thank you."

"Say 'Hi' do Dean then." Cas was sure he could hear a smirk in his brother's voice.

"I- what? How do you know Dean is here?"

"Lucky guess. The boy seems to generally be orbiting around you, unless anything's changed there?"

"I- yeah, no." Cas was almost too quick to answer. "He just had some trouble with his father and needed some help."

"Doesn't he always?" Gabriel retorted. "Just be careful." He added a moment later and Cas knew the hidden meaning behind the obvious one.

"I will be." He said lamely. Fear gripped him of his brother knowing or suspecting just how far he had let himself fall. He was sure in Gabriel's eyes even the platonic kind of relationship he had sort of agreed with Dean was taking it too far. And really, Cas would have to concur and yet he had offered it to the teenager willingly and would not want to take it back. Part of him wished he could just explain himself to his brother, longed for someone he could share his struggles with. Outline the complexity of this whole situation, that it was not about some ill-fitted lust but about more, but he knew he couldn't. This was something he would have to bear himself, for now at least, as he had no doubt that people would accuse first and ask questions later even if he would never lay as much as a hand on Dean.

"Good. Just, let me know whether you decide to show up here or not. I'd say there is not much point. They even had a go at me for not outright disowning you." Gabriel said, pulling Cas out of his thoughts.

"I'm sorry. I never wanted to drag you into this."

"Don't apologize. While I still believe that silence would have been the preferred option, I have to admire your guts and this family was way overdue for a little shake-up. I can hold my own, don't worry."

"I guess you can." Castiel acknowledged, a big yawn escaping him.

"I think I'll let you go for now, you sound exhausted. Call me when you made up your mind, ok and- if you do come, you can always stay at mine."

"I will, thank you Gabriel."

"Hey, no need to thank me. Seeing Balthazar go red in the face with irritation, totally worth it. See you bro."

Cas disconnected the call and took a swig of the coffee. The smell of melted cheese was wafting in from the kitchen but he couldn't focus on it. The familiar feeling of dread and not quite being able to breathe made itself known.

By the time Dean walked in with two plates Cas had worked himself up into a state, which must have shown as Dean put the plates down and came rushing to his side.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"Nothing, just- what are we doing here?" Cas' hands were shaking.

"You're not going to freak out on me?" Dean felt his own pang of anxiety even as he clutched Cas' hand in his for comfort.

"I think I am." Cas looked at him, breathing shallowly.

"Ok, just- anything I can do?" Dean placed his other hand on Cas' knee in an attempt to support. "Tell you to breathe or something?"

"No, I-" Cas suddenly snorted, still short of breath. "I think I will have to reserve the right to freak out from time to time. Especially with everything that's going on right now. Sorry." He suddenly felt rather foolish for not holding it together.

"So you're not-" Dean swallowed back the lump in his throat, trying to dispel the doubts that quickly were rising to the surface.

Cas studied the teenager, before it hit him what Dean meant. "Oh- no, _no_. Dean I meant everything that I said! That won't mean thought that I will not have moments like this. I was not joking when I said I have no idea what I'm doing." He tried to smile but only managed a grimace.

"Well, that makes two of us but it's- we're good, yeah?" Dean's eyes searched out Cas'.

"Yeah." Cas replied, feeling the rest of his anxiety ebb away. Dean rested his head on his shoulder, pressing himself close against Cas' side and they stayed like that for a while until Dean's stomach rumbled and they were reminded of the grilled cheese that was getting cold.

By the time they had finished their food and cleared up after them it was early afternoon and Cas looked worse for wear and despite his protests to the contrary it was obvious that he needed some rest. Dean still felt uneasy about the situation with their father and half expected their dad to either come charging in here or maybe nab Sammy right after school. That was why he decided to collect his brother from school while Cas tried to catch up on some well needed sleep.

Dean was glad when all seemed quiet at their house, and assumed that their dad was most likely sleeping off his hangover. It was a nice warm afternoon and apart from the odd look from people at the state of his face, it was a rather pleasant walk. Sammy was surprised to see him waiting at the gate but maybe because of recent events didn't kick up a fuss but seemed actually pleased by Dean's presence.

They walked back, laughing and kicking round small stones on the pavement and Dean even had a few coins spare to treat his brother to some ice-cream before they headed straight for Castiel's house. Dean knew it would be best to just lie low until Bobby's arrival and they would just have to make due clothes wise as he wasn't risking either himself or Sammy going back over to get their stuff. Cas was up and running, which equated to him being tucked away in his study and trying to type on his laptop with one hand. Apparently lectures didn't plan themselves and he needed to go back into work the next day.

After going through the kitchen cupboards to take stock on the supplies, Dean decided to cook up some spaghetti with meatballs for dinner and while he was busy with the preparation Sammy sat at the table, nose buried in his homework like it generally was. Eventually Cas emerged from his study, laptop in hand and joined Sammy at the table and Dean had to hide his smile at the adorable dorkiness of these two. When they eventually all sat down for dinner, Dean couldn't hide his smile any longer. This was without a doubt the most homely he had felt in a very long time. As he watched his brother and Cas discuss today's test and how Sammy thought he did, Dean thought he wouldn't mind having this for the rest of his life. The only way this could have been any better was if he would have been free to just hug and kiss Cas, share his feeling of affection like he so desperately wanted to. Still he couldn't stop his hand from wandering occasionally, giving the man a quick pat or squeeze on his knee and felt his heart flutter when Cas turned to smile at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the bit of fluff I managed to get in at the end, the guys (and I) definitely needed it.
> 
> It might take me a bit longer for the next update as I have a lot going on right now, having to move being one of the things but I will try my best not to leave it too long.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone and sincerest apologies for the very long time it took me to update. Between moving, sort of being homeless and soon having to move again, plus some continuous health issues that keep pestering me, I was pressed to find time to actually write. I won't bore you with the details, just that I really hope life can go back to normal soon so I can focus on such relaxing things as writing, as I had my dose of stress for this year.
> 
> Now I hope you guys are still reading and enjoying this and that this chapter was worth the wait.

Dean turned for what felt like the tenth time in as many minutes. Damn, the floor was uncomfortable and he could already feel his back protesting. He would have loved nothing more than to share another night with Cas in his warm, comfortable bed but with his little brother around that was definitely not an option. Not that he would have left Sammy to his own devices down here at any rate, no matter how tempting the prospect of being curled up next to Cas and a proper bed had been. Because this was also nice in 'having a slice of normality' kind of way; sharing a room brought back a small measure of familiarity into their lives after what had happened, so the living room floor it was. Dean, being all big brotherly, had insisted on Sammy taking the couch, assuring his brother he would be fine, although he since started to regret his attempt at 'valor'. He sighed as he lifted his head, scrunched up the cushion, shoved it back under his head and mashed his face into it.

"Dean?" Sammy's tired sounding voice cut through the silence.

"Yeah?" Dean had thought his brother was asleep. He hoped he didn't wake him with his incessant tossing and turning.

"You know it's alright, don't you?"

Dean lifted his head off his makeshift resting place to try and make out Sammy's face in the darkened room. "What is?" He asked unable to quite follow his brother's train of thought.

"You know- you being gay."

_Oh_. Dean had waited for the other shoe to drop and for Sammy to finally catch up with the reason as to his blow up with their dad. He had been fearful of his brother rejecting him, despite obvious proof to the contrary. Sammy had accepted Cas without as much as a raised eyebrow after all. Still dread and anxiety had made themselves at home in his stomach over the course of the evening, once the busyness of the day had been left behind. The irritation of the inevitable questions had been itching under his skin. And Sammy had decided that now was the time for it, and like he tended to do, he went straight to the point.

"Not sure that I am." Dean replied as truthfully as he could after thinking it over for a minute. He was still confused as to what he was and which, if any, label he should put on himself. Moreover, he felt that this was nobody else's business. Why did who he was attracted to suddenly become a big issue? But it was his brother that was asking and he kind of owed him the truth, and he wanted Sammy to understand. However, he hadn't quite figured it all out for himself yet. It wasn't like he didn't find girls attractive any longer, he was pretty sure of that. Just that there were some guys, and ok some of the sex stuff guys did together, that appealed to him, got his engine going. He was one hundred percent positive on that part after his recent exploration that started this whole sordid mess. And then, of course, there was Cas who brought out a frightening amount of emotions and urges in him, some of which he just didn't know what to do with, even now that they had established some kind of mutual understanding with the promise of more. And god- did Dean want more, he knew that much!

"That's ok, too." Sammy replied, sounding way too wise and understanding for an eleven year old. Dean could make out his face in the darkness, hanging over the edge of the couch and smiling down at him, almost making Dean choke up at the unhidden honesty and acceptance he found in his gaze. His dad being a dick about his sexuality, he could come to terms with but if Sammy had rejected him, Dean was sure he would have rather denied it all and gone into hiding than lose his kid brother. Thankfully it appeared like it didn't need to come to this.

"Thanks." He rasped, hoping Sam wouldn't hear the slight waver in his voice.

"But- you do like guys- like _that_?" Sam enquired curiously after another moment's silence.

"Well-" Dean swallowed. Why was he still feeling so touchy about this? It would be only natural his little brother would have questions, after all he was getting to that age where he would start taking an interest in these things, at least if he was developing at the same rate Dean had. And he never had issues talking about girls, why should this any different? He just needed to get over himself. Truth was that yes, he did like _certain_ guys like that. "Some, I guess. It's- complicated."

"Mhhh." Sammy mumbled like he was mulling this information over.

"Just- what I don't get is - if you _do_ like some guys like that and you're not - you know - why were you always so weirded out by Cas and Alan?" Dean could feel his brother's eyes on him from where he was now almost hanging off the edge of the couch.

Dean shifted his gaze away and fixed his eyes at the wall. How was he supposed to answer that? Not with the truth, that much was sure. Of course Sammy would have gotten the wrong idea by Dean's previous behavior. In a way Dean should be relieved, as opening this particular can of worms would not be a good idea. Part of him wanted nothing more than to confide in Sammy, hoping he might actually get it, he was a smart and intuitive little shit after all. Then again, he might not, plus he had promised Cas, and it was Cas who would be in trouble should this ever get out.

Still, it didn't feel quite right keeping this from his brother. Dean was sure, his brother would start asking questions if he, after months and months of changing girlfriends would suddenly be seen to go without. Because if Cas wouldn't be seeing anyone while they tried this whatever it was, Dean would do the same. It was only fair, even if the man had offered. Plus he really wasn't that interested in pursuing anyone else all of a sudden. It had been fun while he couldn't get what he actually wanted but now things were different, now Cas was within reach and no girl or scrawny boy could come close to the man by comparison. As for Sammy asking probing questions, Dean would just have to cross that bridge if and when he needed to. There where bigger fish to fry right now.

"Dunno. Just- probably was working through some stuff." He mumbled, hoping the kid would let it rest, as he really had no idea what else to tell him.

"But you're ok now, I mean you and Cas?" And it tugged at Dean's heart just how emotional his little brother's voice sounded. Dean realized with a start how much he really must have hated them not getting along these last few months. How much Cas had come to mean to Sammy in terms of a friend or maybe even family.

"Yeah Sammy, we are." Dean answered, thankful for the darkness that hopefully hid the grin he couldn't hold back. Despite all the crap life presently was throwing at them, he and Cas were fine, for the first time better than just fine, in fact. He really had to learn to reign in his emotions or he might as well strap a sign declaring 'Cas and I are hot for each other' to his forehead. And damn, now he missed lying close next to the man, the way his long fingers would card through his hair, even missed the slight snoring noises Cas made once asleep, they were rather soothing.

"That's great, because having you two at odds sucks."

Dean hummed in agreement and turned onto his back, hoping that this position might be slightly more comfortable.

"What you think is gonna happen now?" Apparently Sam was in a talkative mood. They hadn't really touched on recent events. This evening had felt strangely surreal, like straight out of a 1950's movie and nobody wanted to spoil the mood, Dean guessed. Funny how _now_ Sammy wanted to talk, the again, maybe it was just habit. They used to do this a fair bit after light's out, before Dean's stunt at the camp. Sammy was tucked up in bed and Dean sat crossed leg on his own, laptop in his lap or even the occasional book. These days Dean normally went to bed after Sammy was asleep. He realized he kind of missed those moments, conversation always used to be easier in the dark and comfort of their room. But now everything was up in the air, and of course Sammy would be apprehensive about what might lie ahead.

"Dunno, I- god I'm sorry Sam." Dean couldn't help it. He felt like he had ruined it all. What if Sammy would lose his home over this? Even if it was less than perfect, it was still their home, a place to go to at the end of the day. Or worse, what if his dad managed to separate them somehow. Found a way to sent Dean away again. All because he was too stupid to clear the damn history and rock a boat that really didn't need rocking.

"Hey, it's all dad's fault, if he only-"

"Not all- He didn't have it easy since- you know." Dean protested before he could stop himself.

"Stop making excuses for him." Sammy said, sounding agitated. "Mom dying has nothing to do with him beating up his own kid for liking guys."

"Sammy," Dean gritted in warning. Mom's death was a sore topic and even after all this time generally not talked about much.

"'S true though. I just wish we all would stop pretending and blame everything on mom dying, that was like forever ago."

"Don't talk about her like that. Don't you dare. She was- everything was different then." That hole deep inside his soul, the one he had slowly managed to patch up abruptly ruptured with force. Memories of his mom swiftly overwhelmed him, the way she used to laugh, how her voice sounded when she sang Sammy to sleep, how their dad walked into the kitchen after a long day at work and kissed the back of her neck softly. Dean could remember it vividly now. And Dean was horrified. When had he last thought of his mom like that? Was he starting to forget about her? He swallowed back the sudden lump in his throat.

"Sorry," Sammy was quick to interject. "You know I miss her too, I just- I can't really remember her and-" Dean could hear Sammy taking in a breath, like he tried hard not to cry. "It would be nice to talk about her sometimes, and I mean not just at Christmas and her birthday, or go to the grave once a year, but just the stuff she used to do, the good memories."

"I know." Dean agreed, wondering when trying to spare their dad's feeling over his loss had turned into barely talking about her at all. Well, for one their dad seemed to have moved on so why shouldn't they talk about her, remember her?

"I promise we will, just not tonight, alright?" Dean didn't want to lose it and he knew he would if he allowed himself to go there, really examined what he had lost. He could already feel the emotions bubbling away right under the surface. Dean took in a deep breath, surprised by a sudden urge for Cas making itself known. He didn't even know why he wanted to be near the man now, he used to do just fine dealing with this stuff on his own, or so he thought, but for some reason, he craved Cas' personal contact.

"Ok, but when this is all over, promise?" Sammy sounded hopeful and Dean made a promise to himself that he would not allow his brother to forget her. There were old picture albums flying around somewhere in the attic. He would get them and they would look at them together and talk about their mother, one day soon.

"Yeah." Dean affirmed while squirming under the blankets again. His shoulder hurt from the weird angle he had held himself up to look at Sammy and he still felt too emotional for his liking. He just needed a moment. With an exasperated huff he pulled the blankets off of him and scrambled to his feet.

"Where ya going?" Sammy mumbled, finally sounding tired.

"Bathroom, try to get some sleep." Dean said and staggered up the stairs to take a quick leak. It had gone midnight but he didn't feel particularly sleepy. He stretched out the kinks in his back, looking himself over in the mirror and prodded at his swollen face where it was purple and tender. But really, he was debating with his mirror image whether he could get away with sneaking into Cas' room, just for a bit. He could do with a hug. Damn, he even would settle for just a smile. His stomach was in all sorts of twisted knots, stupid emotions. He glared at his reflection. He felt pathetic and stupid and at his core just fucking lonely.

Just a quick glance through the door, Dean decided on his way out of the bathroom. If Cas was asleep he would just head back downstairs and lie awake all night, no problem. The door was closed and Dean pressed down the handle as quietly as he could, opening the door just enough to peek through, making out the dark mop of hair sticking out from under the blankets in the relative darkness.

"Dean?" Castiel's sleep laden voice made the boy jump. Apparently he had not been as stealthy as he had assumed. "Is everything ok?"

"I- yeah. Sure, I'm sorry for waking you."

"'S okay. Hey, you don't sound too good, what is wrong?" The man had pulled up into a sitting position and turned on the bedside lamp, even as he couldn't help a yawn escaping him.

"I- 's stupid, I just, me and Sammy we got talking and I- I, we talked about mom."

Castiel and Dean had never talked much about Mary, more than how she died. Whenever he had tried Dean had clamped up and Castiel knew better than to poke a sleeping bear. He knew how hard it was to talk about some things and had always hoped that Dean would let him know when he was ready to talk.

"I'm here to listen, if you need to talk. You know that, right?" He offered, giving Dean a reassuring, albeit tired, smile.

Dean shuffled in the doorway. "I know, just I don't want to talk anymore right now. I just wanted-" Dean stopped mid-sentence, looking at Cas, knowing that really he should have not woken the man.

But Castiel nodded in understanding, surprising Dean. "What do you want?" The older man asked, while hoping it would not be something he was not ready to give the teenager yet.

"I- just felt so damn alone there in the bathroom for a second." Dean admitted, biting his bottom lip nervously. God he hated how he sounded like a needy basket case. When had he started talking about his feelings like that? What was it that Cas had that made him want to be so damn honest?

Something Castiel seemed to know instinctively, despite his protests to the contrary, was how to read situations, or maybe he just learned how to read Dean. He pulled his duvet aside and opened his arms in invitation, without a big speech or lecture or, which Dean probably feared most, pity, and Dean felt a weird burst of heat shoot through his chest, chasing away that feeling of darkness and dread that had filled its place but a moment ago. He closed the door quietly and took the few steps towards the man, unashamedly flinging himself at him. Cas pulled him down with him and covered them both with the duvet. Dean didn't even have the urge like he normally did to grope and cop a feel. It was almost chaste how Cas just held him, more comfort than anything else, one hand on his back the other slung around his waist, and it was just what Dean needed, he realized as he rested his head against the man's chest, letting the rise and fall of it calm him. He was thankful that Cas didn't try to engage him in conversation.

"It is ok to not feel ok, you know," Cas mumbled, working his fingers through Dean's hair, slowly feeling the tension leave the boys' body.

"Mhhh," Dean hummed, his eyes were closed and the steady beat of Cas' heart was slowly threatening to pull him under, but the break of silence had him pull back from the brink of sleep.

"I should probably go back downstairs." Dean said in a moment of clarity. He so desperately wanted to stay and just sleep here in Cas' arms but also wanted to be there for his brother, plus he knew he couldn't risk Sammy finding them here, entwined in each other, without having to answer awkward questions. Dean had the weird sensation of wanting to be in two places at the same time.

"Probably a wise decision." Cas agreed. Honestly, if Dean hadn't volunteered, he would have let the teenager stay, consequences be damned. They could have come up with something to tell Sammy. Not to say that he wasn't relieved at Dean's words. It was by far the way of lesser resistance.

Dean smiled tiredly, already bemoaning the loss of the soft mattress and the body heat of the man next to him. He couldn't help to steal a quick kiss, tender and languid. It was a real effort to pull away and not just on Dean's part if the way Cas' lips chased his for just a second after he finally managed to break the kiss was anything to go by.

"Night, Cas" Dean smiled, a genuine smile that surprised him after the previous events of the evening.

"Good night, Dean." Cas returned the smile, not feeling tired in the least any longer but knowing he really needed to try and catch at least a few hours of sleep in order to be able to face tomorrow's events.

Sam was fast asleep by the time Dean sneaked back into the room. He resigned himself to spending what was left on the night on the hard floor and grumpily shuffled the cushion under his head as he rested on his stomach, kicking himself for having given up on that warm soft bed so easily.

#

Bobby Singer was a force to be reckoned with. Castiel always assumed as much. But even if the pickup truck that was parked in the Winchester drive hadn't announced his presence, his booming voice, ringing through the street as he laid into John Winchester would have been a dead giveaway.

Castiel arrived home from his morning lecture and endless questions as to the reason for his current appearance (he had a feeling that this was only in part curiosity at the state of his face and hand but mostly aimed at his less than appropriate attire, but tying a tie with one hand was just not going to happen he had conceded after about the fifth try) to raised voices from the house opposite. He quickly scurried inside, hoping these two forces of nature wouldn't kill each other but knew better than to head over and add fuel to the fire. Bobby had proven himself more than apt to keep John Winchester in line. Dean and Sam were still at school for a few more hours and he hoped for the worst to be over by then.

Cas threw together a quick sandwich and brewed some coffee, all the while keeping an eye on the front door of the Winchester house through his window, like he could will himself to see through the walls if he only tried hard enough. Time passed and he eventually grew bored of window watching. He had other things on his to-do list, might as well get to them while the peace lasted. It was two hours later that a knock on the door interrupted his Skype conversation with Gabriel. (Stupid bell was still in its packing in the garage, Gabriel would have a field day if he knew). Castiel excused himself, promising to call back later to talk about plans on handling 'The Situation' as they have come to call the Novak Family Meltdown. He opened the door to the sight of an extremely exhausted looking Bobby Singer, who just mumbled "Idjit" under his breath and didn't wait for an invitation but strolled straight past Castiel, bee-lining for the kitchen.

"Any chance for a decent cup of coffee before I give into temptation and get out the hard liquor?" He grumbled, taking off his baseball cap and working his hands through his slightly damp hair and then swiftly placing it back on top of his head.

"Certainly." Castiel replied, having gotten somewhat used to Bobby's gruff ways over the few times they met.

He went to work preparing another batch of coffee, not daring to ask the man how things went with John. Like Dean, Bobby seemed to be the kind of person who will let you know when they were ready to talk and the older man looked like he needed a moment.

Ten minutes and half a mug of too sweet, but he needed the sugar boost, coffee later, Bobby let out an exasperated sigh.

"That going to be ok?" Bobby asked pointing to Castiel's hand.

"Yes, it will just take some time."

Bobby nodded in understanding before staring at his mug some more.

"That man hasn't been right since Mary's accident. I had always thought all he needed was some time. I never quite realized how bad things got. He seemed to be doin' alright. I should have done somethin' earlier. I should have seen this comin', _damn_ , I've been there myself, should have been able to see the signs, still I hoped-"

The genuine pain and regret Castiel saw in Bobby's eyes floored him. He pulled up a chair and poured himself some more coffee, waiting for Bobby to continue. At the rate he was chugging down the beverage today, all his blood would be replaced by caffeine pretty soon, but sleep was overrated anyway.

"When my first wife died- I was a mess, nearly well managed to get myself killed, drivin' into a tree while completely smashed. But it was the wake-up call I needed." The old man mumbled into his mug.

Cas "mmmh'ed" in understanding, slightly surprised Bobby shared this information with him.

"He still reeked of alcohol when I went over there earlier, there was really not much talking sense with him, about Dean and stuff- ya know, god, no matter what- he's his damn son!" He took his baseball cap off again, placing it on the table next to his mug. Castiel looked on, not sure what to say.

"I gave him an ultimatum." He continued after a dramatic pause and Castiel raised an eyebrow in question. "If he cares for them boys like he says he does then he needs to go and get himself straightened out. Should have done this years ago. But over Christmas I really believed he had finally pulled through, damn I was a fool. Told him about this place I know. It ain't cheap but their program is good and I've got some savings."

"You mean like a clinic?" Cas questioned.

"Yeah, he needs a place to sort out his head, it's not just the alcohol, it's how he learned to cope- and the boys need to get their father back, or at least what might be left of him."

Castiel nodded, mulling this over. John getting the help he so clearly needed was a good thing on all fronts but-

"How about Sam and Dean? Where would they stay?" He asked, worried on their behalf. Castiel just knew that Dean would not react well if any official institution would get involved and, god forbid, split them up, even if just for a while.

"That's the part where you and I come in." Bobby for the first time since he got here met Castiel's gaze head on, a slight uncertainty in his eyes.

"Was wondering whether ya would take them in until the school years up. 'S only another couple of weeks and then me 'n Jody would take them for the summer. That way no one else would need to get involved. But I understand if ya can't-"

"Of course." Cas agreed without having to think it over, only to have his stomach starting to churn immediately. His gaze shifted, evading Bobby's as a hot flush of shame and embarrassment worked its way up his spine, heating his neck and face. What would Bobby say- make of him if he knew? Knew the tightrope Castiel walked with regards to Dean and how they were more than met the eye, closer than would be considered healthy. He certainly would not trust him with the wellbeing of the Winchester boys.

Maybe Castiel should say 'no' but he couldn't get himself to do that either. He really did want to help so that the brothers didn’t have to go through more upheaval than they already had. Also, Castiel didn’t doubt that whether Dean would be here or elsewhere, the current state of affairs between them would not change. So far distance and societal expectations had not been able to lessen the pull between them so why should any new separation be any different? Castiel was already in too deep and no avoidance of Bobby or what he asked of him would change that. There would have to be some logistics, like beds and stuff to be considered, but they boys were at his house half the time anyway. It would cause the least interruption to their lives.

"And- John's ok with that?" Castiel asked, the 'Ok with _him_ ' heavily implied, slightly worried about any backlash from the man. He was still painfully aware of the look of disgust that John had thrown his way and his general opinion on homosexuality.

"As I said. Didn't leave him much of a choice. It was this or me getting Services involved and reporting him. I want to help John, but the kids have to come first," Bobby took another swig of his coffee.

"I made the call already. He can go up there on Friday for six weeks. I'll stay here 'till then and take him there myself."

"You think this will work?"

"It better." Bobby mumbled and Castiel nodded. Bobby must really care for the old Winchester to spent his own savings on him, placed like that didn't come cheap. Or possibly he cared for the boys although Castiel had an inkling that really it was a bit of both.

#

They filled the boys in once they returned from school and it was generally received with a mix of tentative optimism and apprehension, although they both cheered up at the prospect of staying with Castiel for the time being. Over dinner they all worked out the necessary arrangements. Bobby decided to spent the night over at the Winchester house, keeping an eye on John, mainly to keep him from heading out and hitting the bottle again. In the morning there would be the prospect of having to deal with John's place of work, if he still had a job after not going in for the last two days that was, and helping him deal with any of the necessary paperwork and finances. At least he owned the house, inherited it from his parents, so the only bills they really needed to worry about where the household ones.

Castiel and Bobby had left the choice of whether to move back in for the few days until Friday or stay at Castiel's to the boys. Dean refused outright (with only a slight ulterior motive of wanting to stay close to Cas in the back of his head, mainly he just didn't want to be subjected to the look of disappointment and disgust their dad would no doubt throw at him) and subsequently Sam refused to go back without his brother.

Of course it wasn't as easy as that, there was the sleep arrangement issue. Castiel offered to clear out the second bedroom for the boys to share, but as of right now they were painfully short of mattresses or beds for the brothers to sleep on and the couch was just not big enough for two people. Eventually and only when it became apparent that Dean would not let him take his turn on the floor, Sam agreed to go back with Bobby and sleep in his own bed, with the promise that he would be back first thing and Dean could make him an extra big helping of pancakes with real maple syrup.

If the couch didn't get much use that night (or the night after), as Dean didn't see any valid reason not to slip into Cas' room and share his bed, something the man, to his relief, seemed to agree on, then no one would need to know about that.

Friday came soon enough and with it the departure of John and Bobby. Dean couldn't make himself go and say goodbye, instead took off to school extra early to avoid any emotional (or otherwise) confrontation. He just didn't feel ready to face his old man yet. Bobby promised to keep them up to date about John's progress as he was his official point of contact, and to be back in three weeks to pick the boys up for the summer.

Castiel spent a frustrating day at university. End of term was even more frantic than he remembered, or possibly it was because he was left to deal with an extra class (and the joy of marking about 50 extra papers) as the soon to be retired professor was taking liberty with sick leave (again). He managed successfully to dodge his family, not feeling in a position to deal with them right now, screening his calls and valiantly ignoring any email messages. Gabriel kept him up to date with any important developments that he needed to know about. Not that there was much news in terms of substance, other than the family being in crisis over one of their own having gone so horribly astray.

Most of Friday afternoon and early evening was spent taking apart, carrying across the street and reassembling the brothers' beds in Cas' spare room. It was a tight fit as the room was smaller than the one they shared in their own home but they made it work. Dean, as always, proved very skilled with his hands and did most of the work himself, Sammy helping where he could. It was a lovely and sunny May day and Castiel decided to dust down the barbeque and make the most of the warm weather. They ended up sitting out back, not particularly doing anything much other than enjoy their burgers.

The weekend was generally a quiet affair, everybody trying to settle into some semblance of a routine. Castiel on his part was getting more frustrated with the lack of use of his hand and the limitations this put on him. Especially for everyday tasks that generally required the use of two fully functional hands, like putting on some decent clothes, (generally involving lots of buttons). The weekend had not been much of a problem but by Monday Castiel had given in to Dean's repeated offers for help as sweatpants were just not an acceptable garment for lecturing in. It was that or buy some pull up pants and polo-shirts. After that, the boy was basically dressing him in the mornings, ties and all. And that should not feel as intimate as it did, but having Dean so close in his personal space, feeling his fingers brush over his skin as he did up the buttons of his shirt before tugging it in and doing up his slacks was electrifying to a degree that Castiel had not prior associated or experienced with the teenager. This new exhilarating feeling was not helped by the prolonged eye contact they started to engage in during those moments. Castiel wondered whether Dean realized the effect he was having on him and played towards it or whether it was just his natural youthful exuberance.

Castiel felt like his body was starting to betray him now that the barrier he had put in place was finally removed and he had accepted his attraction, platonic or otherwise, to the teenager. Physical attraction seemed such a fickle state, yet, desire for more than just Dean's company started to flare up intermittently, and that more than anything petrified him. He should not be in that way attracted to someone so much younger but here he was, finding it harder and harder to deny the truth of this fact. Dean's changing and maturing physique was definitely working against Castiel on this front.

Generally he overcame his own doubts by not thinking about it too deeply before his morals and the worry about the increasingly thinning line of legality he was walking could make themselves known. Right now it was fairly easy to distract himself with work and all the other issues going on. It was not like he was asking the boy for sexual favors or anything even close to it. At face value, their interactions could be considered fairly innocent as of late, more companionship during the hours they shared than anything tangibly physical (those dressing Castiel for work moments aside, but that could be explained away as being a 'necessity'). There was the occasional good morning peck or brush of hands while they passed each other in the bathroom or kitchen, but they didn't hold the same desperation as those past frantic stolen kisses. Their urgent need was somewhat quelled by the acknowledgment of reciprocal feelings. But regardless of the level of ferocity (or the lack thereof) of any interaction, it would still be considered wrong. It was just that Castiel couldn't make himself come up with enough reasons as to why that was any more.

#

"Hey, you're coming out of there any time soon?" Dean peeked into the study where Cas had locked himself away for the last few hours, papers apparently still hadn't developed the skill to grade themselves and he was running behind.

"No." Came the exasperated reply from the man, without as much as taking his eyes off the paper he was currently redecorating with a red marker pen.

Dean chuckled as he opened the door fully and stepped inside. "Well, good then I planned ahead. Here." He placed a steaming mug of coffee on the table.

"Oh god yes, I- can I keep you?" Castiel's eyes lit up at the sight of the steaming hot liquid and he picked up the mug and brought it to his mouth, briefly blowing on the coffee before taking a gulp. "Mhhh, you're getting good at this."

Dean beamed at the sentiment. Cas could keep him, alright. As for the coffee- "I had a good teacher I guess." He smiled at the way the man's face relaxed as the warm liquid hit his palate.

"But seriously, dinner's almost ready and Sammy has asked for your help out back three times so far, it can't be healthy being cooped up in one place for this amount of time."

Castiel frowned. "Believe me I'd rather be helping your brother with his end of year science project but I'm behind as it is and this needs to be done by Monday or I will have a lot of explaining to do. And do not get me started on having to do this with my left hand, I have no idea whether they will even be able to decipher my writing."

Dean molded himself against Cas' back as he chanced a quick glance at the current paper in front of the man. "It's not _that_ bad." He concluded with a smirk, placing a teasing peck on the back of Cas' neck. Cas' handwriting currently resembled that of a six year old.

"It is bad then, You are _cruel_ for taking pleasure in my misfortune." Castiel huffed but it held no real malice and he turned his face to lock eyes with the boy, the skin around his eyes crinkling ever so slightly as he clearly tried not to smile. Cas could be adorable like that, Dean had discovered, trying to stay grumpy just for the sake of it. Dean rested his chin on the top of the Cas' head.

"Hey, only another two weeks or so."

Castiel grunted. "I cannot wait to finally get this thing off."

"What's the first thing you gonna do?" Dean mumbled into the man's hairline.

"Anything that requires the use of my right hand."

Dean let out a snort. He was sure Castiel hadn't meant for this to be an innuendo and he had real trouble biting back the teasing comment ready at the tip of his tongue.

"What is so amusing?"

"Nothing, Cas, nothing." Dean chuckled. "Never change," he added wrapping his arms around the man's chest. Castiel allowed himself a moment of closing his eyes, just enjoying Dean's warm presence but the pile of papers was at the forefront of his mind and after a moment, he moved away from the boy with a sigh and picked up the marker pen.

"I'm going back down but when dinner is ready you better show your face." Dean said, having gotten the hint.

"Mhhh," Cas hummed already focused on the paper again.

Dean did not want to boast but he was getting rather good at cooking, and the thing was, he really enjoyed it. It used to be a necessity, something he had to learn unless he and Sammy wanted to live off sandwiches. But now he liked to experiment and try new things and even more, he got a rise out of people complementing his cooking, something Cas did on a regular basis. Sammy generally let second and third helpings do the talking. Dean sometimes wondered whether they were playing some weird version of 'house' and it was unnerving how well it all seemed to fit, but he was scared that if he did think too much on this, he would probably find a way of screwing it all up. At any rate, they only had another two weeks before Bobby would come and get them for the summer. Part of Dean really wished he had Sammy could just stay here. If it worked why change it?

He pricked the potatoes, another couple of minutes and they'll be done he decided, when the phone rang. Dean was quick to answer, as he knew that Cas didn't like interruptions when he was barricaded in his study.

"Yes?"

"Erm, I would like to speak with Castiel Novak, please."

"Sorry, he's busy. I can take a message."

"No, this is an urgent matter. If you tell him it is his brother, Balthazar then-"

" _Oh_. He definitely won't be talking to you." Dean snapped, the posh voice rubbing him up all the wrong way.

"Pardon? Who is this?"

" _This_ \- is a friend of Cas' and as I said he's busy."

"A _friend_ , right. I do not wish to relay such a personal sensitive matter via a _friend_ ," came the condescending voice. "So if you could just go and fetch my brother so that I can personally-."

"Now listen," Dean was getting more pissed off with the hoity-toity guy by the second. "You got anything to say to Cas I'm sure you have his email, and if he ain't replying to those, I'm sure he's got his reasons- but personally I think if you could just leave him alone, I quite frankly think you've done enough damage-"

"Your tone of voice is rather scandalous. I will not be spoken to like this by some-"

"Some _what_?" Dean interrupted.

"Some perversion of nature." Came the cold reply. Balthazar was not even trying to hide the disdain in his voice. "I assume you are one of _them_. One of those people who feeds my brother lies about how his twisted urges are an acceptable lifestyle choice, to make him forget what is right and proper and-"

" _OK_ \- for one, you know jack shit about me or what I am!" Dean gritted into the receiver. "And two, I am talking to you however I want and you and your bigoted and backwards family can go and fuck yourselves if you cannot see what a great and caring guy Cas is. You don't fucking deserve him." Dean was yelling by now.

Castiel came racing down the stairs, having heard Dean's raised voice and wondered what had the boy so worked up, when Dean clicked 'end call' with a "Go, fuck yourself." When he noticed Cas staring at him wide eyed he gave him a sheepish look, suddenly feeling not so confident anymore, his anger quickly turning to anxiety.

"Your brother, Balthazar." He informed Cas, whose eyes only grew wider. "Sorry?!" he added apologetically. Maybe shouting at Cas' brother had not been his brightest moment, for all he knew he was calling to make peace with Castiel and now he ruined it for the man.

Castiel for a second didn't quite know how to react, whether to scold Dean or laugh. In the end an intense awe for the teenager won out (no one generally talked to Balthazar like that and Castiel could only imagine his brother's face a couple of states over, probably still wondering what had hit him. And Cas might have been just a bit moved that Dean apparently had such strong feelings towards him to defend him like that).

Castiel smiled at Dean and couldn't hold back a laugh at the image of his brother's face, and Dean smiled bashfully back, relief evident on his face while still clutching the phone in his hand. Castiel was overwhelmed by a sudden wave of affection for the boy and without thinking pulled Dean in by the shoulders and kissed him square on the mouth. The gesture ended up being slightly more passionate than he had aimed for and Dean sank into it fast. He reciprocated with enthusiasm, grabbing Cas round the neck and tangling his fingers in his hair, sucking on the man's bottom lip and feeling the stubble against his lips. It was not normally Cas who initiated those moments and Dean was going to make damn sure that he would get as much out of this as Cas would let him.

The kiss continued for another minute until they broke apart, panting for air and lips shiny. They both grinned at each other. "Gonna be taller than you soon." Dean teased when he realized that he didn't need to lift his gaze up any more to meet Cas' blue eyes like he used to. Cas' smile froze for a split second. If Dean didn't know him so well by now he would have missed it. Damn, he should really learn to keep his trap shut, avoid mentioning growing up or anything age related as he was well aware of Cas still wrestling with the issue. Dean placed a reassuring peck on the man's cheek and was rewarded with a smile that eased the sudden tension he had felt.

"Come on, foods ready anyway." He nudged Castiel in the side and it probably was fool's luck or fate or whatever that Sam chose that moment and not ten seconds earlier to walk in from the garden where he had been tending to his science project.

Castiel watched Dean's retreating back and cursed himself for his folly. This had been too close a call and he could not afford to be this careless with his displays of affection towards Dean, no matter how much he wanted to in the heat of the moment. There had to be rules that absolutely needed adhering to. Thankfully Sammy seemed blissfully oblivious and just wanted to know why they were both in such a good mood.

"Dean just told my brother to 'Fuck himself," Cas said for lack of a better answer, still finding the thought rather hilarious.

Sammy looked at him, wide eyed, gaze conveying the 'normally kids get told off for using language like that', then he shrugged with a smile, before dragging Cas outside with him to show him what he had done so far.

#

The next couple of weeks were a blur of end of year activities both at school and at university, home cooked dinners, weekend activities with Castiel and on one occasion Amelia, who took the boys for a day out and spoilt them rotten. Dean still had trouble to just accept a good thing when he was gifted with it and a small part of him always waited for the other shoe to drop. He just got better at ignoring it and enjoying what he had.

But all too soon it was the morning when Bobby arrived to take the brothers with him for the summer. Dean still didn't much care for going, rather would stay here with Cas and the man had even offered to Bobby to have the brothers stay. But Bobby was having none of it, saying they've been enough of a burden on Castiel already and they shouldn't overstretch his patience or hospitality.

Castiel watched as the truck drove down the road and disappeared behind the bend. He walked back into his house, which suddenly seemed all too big and quiet for Castiel's liking and for the first time in a long time he kind of felt lost.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for again taking so long to update. My life has been very hectic, including ongoing health stuff, but at least I finally moved and hopefully things will start to calm down now, giving me more time to write amongst other things.  
> It didn't help that this was one hard chapter to write, especially one of the scenes gave me a headache (I am curious if you will pick up on which scene ;) ) and hope I managed to give it the right flavor. Let me know your thoughts either way.  
> Hope you enjoy

"Well, that went as well as was to be expected." Gabriel stated sardonically as he unlocked the front door to his house and ushered his brother inside, breaking the silence that had stretched between him and Castiel for the better part of half an hour.

Castiel humphed in the affirmative. The drive back from their family gathering had been quiet and solemn. He had been in no mood to talk after the inquisition, preferred to stew in his misery instead. He thoroughly regretted having caved and agreed to this meeting, in the feeble hope that there would be something, anything, that could be salvaged in his relations with his family. Castiel walked past his brother and straight through to the kitchen, where he slumped down on a chair and buried his head in his hands.

"Ah, well, only one thing to do in times like these." Gabriel patted Castiel on the back before walking over to the cabinet and pulling out two glasses and a bottle of Scotch. Castiel eyed his brother with suspicion.

"Get shitfaced!" the older Novak announced airily as he poured them both a generous helping flopping down in the chair opposite his brother.

"I don't even like Scotch." Castiel grumbled staring at the glass that was put in front of him.

"'S not supposed to taste nice, think of it as medicine."

Castiel snorted but brought the glass up to his lips regardless and took a big swig, grimacing at the taste of the liquid as he swallowed.

They both emptied their glasses with a few gulps and Gabriel was swift in refilling them with more amber liquid.

"To our parents." He huffed sarcastically lifting the glass in a mock salute.

"Our parents" Castiel parroted, clicking his glass with Gabriel's before knocking back its contents in one go.

"Shining examples of unconditional love and care." Castiel scoffed, feeling warmth slowly spreading through his limbs as the alcohol started to take effect.

"Upholders of eternal truths and appearances." Gabriel added as he filled their tumblers yet again, a bitter laugh escaping him. Their family had put them both through their paces and while he hadn't been the main focus for most of it, he felt drained and bitter regardless at the way they had left things. He really did not envy Castiel and his situation. And while Gabriel knew his own life would be considerable easier if he just broke all ties with his brother, he was willing to take the aggravation. Maybe years and years of having had to dance to their family's tune had worn him down. He used to be content to just grin and bear it and do whatever he felt like in his own time but he increasingly got fed up with their bullshit. At least with Castiel, homosexual or not (what the hell did it even matter), he knew where he stood, something Gabriel started to appreciate. He could stop pretending around his baby brother and who was he to not return the favor.

Castiel's phone buzzed. He placed his empty glass in front of him and fished for it in his pocket, checking the caller ID.

"I've got to take this." Castiel excused himself to a questioning gaze from his brother, heading to the living room for some privacy, hardly able to hide the small smile that seemingly out of nowhere tugged at this lips.

"Hey." Castiel was greeted with Dean's young energetic voice.

"Hello Dean." The smile on Castiel's face grew bigger. He had stopped trying to analyze why, without fail, Dean presence (or as of late just his voice) had this uplifting effect on him.

"Can you talk?" Dean sounded nervous and Castiel's stomach fluttered at the evident concern, or maybe it was just the effect of imbibing of too much Scotch way too fast. It didn't really matter, it was nice to feel better.

"Yes."

"Great, I just wanted to hear how today went, you know- make sure you're ok." Dean tried to sound casual but was not sure how well he succeeded. Because truth was that he had been fretting over Cas all day, constantly checking the phone for messages to the point where people around him picked up on it. It was hard to hide while supposedly changing tires in Bobby's garage and he had taken the subsequent ribbings in his stride. Because really they were nothing compared to the worry that had been eating away at him when there was no sign of life until he just couldn't bear it any longer and just rang on the off chance of Cas picking up.

Castiel let out a massive sigh at the stark reminder of reality.

"Cas?"

"Let's just say I am a persona non grata in the Novak household from now on."

"I have no idea what that means but I take it that it's nothing good."

Castiel snorted derisively . "It means that until I decide to see the _truth_ , their truth, and take the appropriate actions, my family will seize all contact with me and I am not welcomed at their homes any longer."

Dean gasped. "What the hell- and they all agreed on this, just like that? Just because you're- How about Gabriel?"

"Well, Gabriel is under- how should I say it - _probation_ might be fitting. He is being 'encouraged' to fall back into the fold. They gave him time to consider his relationship with me, while making it perfectly clear were he should put his allegiance under threat of similar sanctions to mine."

Castiel remembered vividly the past few hours, the hissed conversations and eloquently spoken warnings and outlining of consequences his father and his oldest brother bestowed on him and then by proxy to Gabriel, who had dared raising his voice about 'all this nonsense' in the heat of the moment. The Novak family was not prone to shouting matches, always keeping their voices level and controlled, no matter how heated the underlying arguments were getting. Castiel had given up on being heard after about the first ten minutes when it became apparent that nothing short of denouncing his way of life and enrolling to one of those conversion therapy classes would be acceptable to his family. There just was no leveling with them. He remained silent as the accusations of dishonor and shame and sin and eternal damnation were being spelled out for him. But he could bear those, nothing he hadn't heard before after all. But what really cut deep was the cold glare his mother gave him as he was about to leave. There was not even a hint of sadness or love for him in it, just condemnation and disgust at what, according to her, he had let himself become.

"Wow, I- that is- your family is something else," Dean's angered voice broke through Castiel's thoughts. "Really, you're better off without them." He snapped angrily before realizing what he said. "Sorry that's probably not helping, but-"

"You are merely stating the truth." Castiel acknowledged with a tinge of sadness and resignation. "It is unfortunate but it is what it is. At least it is over now, and in a way I am relieved, the uncertainty and the allusion of hope was not an easy state to exist in."

Dean understood painfully well what Castiel meant. Living with hope of change, of a better future, only to have that hope squashed again and again was soul crushing. An answer, even a hurtful one was the preferred option, at least to Dean. Still to lose virtually one's whole family in one go was a hard blow and Dean could hear the tension in Cas' voice. He wanted nothing more than to fix this somehow, or at least find a way to show his friend that he was being cherished, if not by his own family, by the people around him, the ones who accepted him for who he was. But he was stuck here in the middle of nowhere for at least another month and it sucked.

"Cas I'm- damn, I wish there was something I could do." Dean huffed in frustration.

"You are." Castiel was quick to reply, his mouth curling up into a small barely there wistful smirk. How could Dean not realize what effect he had on him?

"You _are_ doing something, don't dare think otherwise." He clarified, stomach doing a little flip. "You are- you're making me feel things - feel better- about everything." he confessed not very eloquently. Castiel could feel words and emotions on the tip of his tongue he knew he shouldn't necessarily admit like this, over the phone, or quite possibly at all, but the Scotch had loosened his tongue somewhat, making his head fuzzy.

"You always manage to put a smile on my face, no matter what a shitty day I might have had. You-" Cas gulped, suddenly feeling rather bashful.

"What?" Dean asked inquisitively, breathless, feeling his heart rate pick up speed at all the prospective ways Cas might have wanted to end that sentence, and wishing again, like he had every damn day over these last weeks that he was closer, that he could be there face to face with the man, gazing into his mesmerizing blue eyes.

"'S nothing-" Castiel finally settled for, smiling to himself at the myriad of thoughts and half formed notions that were racing through his slightly foggy head and the warm feeling they evoked in his chest. "Just, I really wish you were here, I kind of miss you- a lot."

"I miss you too." Dean replied with a happy chuckle, while at the same time feeling his stomach flutter. God, did he miss Cas! And hearing that the feeling was mutual almost made him want to hot wire a car from Bobby's yard and drive all the way to Oklahoma. But he had learned his lesson about being thoughtless the hard way. No way was he getting himself into trouble like that again, no matter how badly he wanted to.

"Oh god, Dean, it really has been too _damn_ long." Castiel's face split into a grin at the way Dean chortled at his choice of words. The use of such language still was more the exception than the rule for him, but he had started to appreciate its simplicity and ability to effectively convey meaning. Just another area where he failed his parents who had a distinct dislike for vulgar language. "Once you are back we have to-" Castiel was cut short in his reply by a knock on the doorframe and he turned to see Gabriel at the door to the living room with a takeout menu in his hand. Castiel looked at him wide eyed, praying silently that his brother had not been privy to his conversation but the way he looked at him with a calculating glare left him little hope for that.

"Sorry, Gabriel wants me," He said rather abruptly.

"Oh, he's- yeah that's fine. We talk later, alright." Dean did not want to end their conversation just yet but it was obvious at Cas' sudden change in tone that he wanted to cut this short now that his brother was in the room.

"Yes we can do that. Goodbye."

"Bye Cas."

Castiel ended the call and squared his shoulders as his eyes met his brother's.

"Sorry, I was getting hungry and just wanted to ask whether you wanted to get some Chinese." Gabriel said by way of apology for his apparent eavesdropping, waving the menu in the air as if to prove the validity of his statement, while his eyes still rested on his youngest brother, uncomfortably so.

"What?" Castiel snapped too readily, hackles rising, his nerves having worn thin after the events of the day, and only amplified by the sudden worry about how much his brother might have overheard.

Gabriel shook his head dejectedly, taking in the guilty expression on his brother's face. "Castiel, what have you gotten yourself into?"

"Nothing I can't handle." He was quick to bark back.

His brother gave him a long suffering glance. "Are you quite sure about that? Because from over here it sounded like-"

"Yes, I am! And whatever it might have sounded like, it is not, ok." Castiel replied defensively, flinching at the tone of his own voice. He really didn't want to lose his last family member but there was no way he would tell Gabriel the truth. There was just too much to explain. He would not understand the complicated dynamics between him and Dean. Furthermore, Castiel loathed the thought of proving his brother right; about Dean, about him and all those warnings and accusations Gabriel had jokingly or otherwise taunted him with over the years.

His stomach felt like he had just swallowed a ten ton brick. He had little doubt that in his brother's eyes he would be no more than a pervert, a child molester and maybe that was all that he was. It didn't matter that Dean had recently turned sixteen and was slowly turning into an adult. Castiel could fool himself when it was just the two of them. Could pretend that this was ok and that they indeed shared a special connection, that Dean was more than able to make his own decisions. But right here, right now he was painfully reminded of his very real and warranted fear of judgment, of being thought of as nothing more than a depraved gay man with a weird kink for underage boys. He suddenly felt like two years of hard work at self-acceptance and discovery had been erased just in this one moment here between him and Gabriel.

"Just, talk to me, man." Gabriel implored after remaining silent for too long, almost crushing Castiel under the weight of his stare. Castiel shook his head, not being quite able to meet his brother's eyes, something that didn't go unnoticed by Gabriel who sighed in resignation.

"I'm here if you need to talk or- need help, no judgment." he offered sounding too solemn for his usual jovial nature as he, sat down next to Castiel on the couch. "And- I know things are never as straightforward as they appear, but not everybody will agree with me on that front, and - you are supposed to be a responsible adult. No matter how much you might want something- even if it's being offered to you. You might just have to say 'no'."

Castiel swallowed hard, his throat feeling like sandpaper, assuming his brother implied that he, if not outright knew, at least had an inkling about what was going on.

"I can't-" Castiel didn't even know which part of his brother's requests he was replying to, maybe all of them. He definitely couldn't talk about this with him. Moreover, he didn't want Gabriel to have to make a choice of either aiding in a criminal offence by remaining silent, because in the cold light of day that was what this could be construed as, or reporting him to the police, as any sensible adult should do.

"Ok, maybe today's not a good day for more emotional baggage, but the offer stands and please- be careful." Gabriel placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. "If I didn't know you so well and trust that you really couldn't hurt a fly on purpose, I'd-" The older Novak didn't finish that sentence but Castiel heard its meaning loud and clear.

"How about that Scotch? Wasn't the plan to get drunk?" Castiel deflected. He knew his brother would smell his attempt at changing the subject ten miles against the wind but fortunately he let it rest.

"Now, we're talking" Gabriel slapped him on the back. "And how about some food to go with that. Let's just have fun tonight. All of life's crap will still be waiting for us tomorrow."

Castiel didn't quite feel like eating but he nodded regardless. He had learned the hard way that trying to get drunk on an empty stomach was generally not a good idea.

#

"You finally managed to get hold of whoever it was that you were pining over all day?"

"I was not pining." Dean stated indignantly.

"Well, you could have fooled me, son." Jody smiled at him. "Anyone special?"

"No," Dean was quick to reply even as he could feel his face heat up. Bobby's wife gave him a knowing smirk that had his face go red even more.

"Well, I'm sure whoever it was must be worth it." She said with a wink. "And as far as I'm concerned, anyone who manages to put a smile like that on your face is good in my books."

Dean rolled his eyes but thought it pretty pointless trying to uphold his protest, being as he was unable to hide the grin and the accompanying red cheeks. He just prayed that Jody wouldn't press him for any more information. Maybe he would need to create a convincing cover story about some girl or, if he was brave enough, guy, to have at the ready whenever anyone asked stupid questions. Luckily for him, on this occasion his prayer was being answered when she, with a smile, changed the subject.

"Now that we might have your undivided attention again, I think Sam has been patient long enough."

Oh right, he had almost forgotten about having promised his brother to take him to the summer fair this evening. Sammy had been pestering him about it for days, while insisting it had nothing whatsoever to do with the prospect of running into Sarah, the girl he had befriended over their stay at Bobby's. Dean was pretty certain that this little brother had a massive crush on her and enjoyed pulling his leg over it. His Sammy was growing up.

"Yeah, sure. Can I take the truck?" Dean perked up. He loved driving. Bobby had helped him get his license over the summer and since then he took every possible opportunity to get behind a wheel. He still hoped that one day he would be able to drive the Impala, if he ever managed to get back into his dad's good graces that was, but for now he settled for anything with four wheels that gave him the illusion of independence and freedom.

"Of course you can. Let me grab the keys, oh and be back here by 10."

"Will do." Dean bounced out of the kitchen and went in search of his little brother, who he found out front helping Bobby in the yard.

The fair was the usual small town event, plenty of food stalls, rides and games that try to con you out of your money. If it hadn't been for Sammy's excitement, Dean would have gotten bored ages ago. No, bored was not quite the right word, more like he felt slightly out of place and more than a little lonely, as he watched cavity inducing couples sharing in PDA all over the place. He noticed girls occasionally making eyes at him and on instinct smiled back, giving them one of his lopsided grins. Once or twice a girl was actually brave enough to approach him to the squeals of her friends but Dean was swift to move on, suddenly uncomfortable and not wanting to give out the wrong vibes. He was not above using having to chaperone his little brother as an excuse but apparently that only made him even more attractive to them. So in the end he just stopped looking at anyone.

Sammy currently was sharing a ride on the Ferris wheel with his 'not'-crush, who they finally had bumped into about fifteen minute ago. Dean toyed with his cell in his hand as he watched the wheel go round, its turning lights hypnotizing him as he allowed his mind to drift. He was itching to call Cas, just to hear his voice. He felt the man's absence almost like a physical ache despite being surrounded by a multitude of people, or maybe because of it. Yet he hesitated, not wanting to interrupt unnecessarily or seem needy, having called him not two hours ago. He was still confused at times by these strong emotions, having not experienced anything like it, apart from caring for his little brother but even that was different. Sammy was family and he would do anything for him but Cas was- God he didn't' even know, just that he wanted to be around the man, as much as possible and that it had been too long since he last saw him.

Unsure of telephone etiquette and boundaries, and annoyed at himself for spending at least five minutes debating this in his head, Dean decided on a compromise, took a snapshot of the fair with the crappy camera on his cell and sending it to Cas with a 'Wish you were here'.

His mood brightened considerably, uncertainty instantly evaporated, when not two minutes later Cas replied with a 'Me too' and he was just grateful that Sammy was too busy making googly eyes at Sarah to notice the ensuing texting frenzy between him and Cas. Dean gave Cas the low-down on all the rides, with running commentary on their lameness or lack thereof, underlining his point with photographic proof. Castiel replied with an image of a sleeping Gabriel, slouched over the edge of the couch, drool on his chin and a 'What lameness factor would you assign to this?'

Dean had to concede that the fair was infinitely better than babysitting a clearly drunk and passed-out brother, although he chanced a guess that Cas was most likely inebriated as well, judging by the general lack of grammatical accuracy in most his texts. By the end of the evening, when it was time to take Sammy back to Bobby and Jody's, it almost felt like Cas had been there with him and surviving these next few weeks suddenly didn't seem like quite such a challenge any longer while simultaneously driving him insane.

#

"Coming," Castiel mumbled under his breath, pulling the dressing gown over his shoulders as he headed down the stairs. He surely didn't expect anybody at 8.30 on a Sunday morning and if it hadn't been for the clear ringing of the doorbell, which he had finally gotten around to installing and now kind of wished he hadn't, he would have probably missed anyone knocking.

"This better be urgent," he grumbled, trying to blink the sleep out of his eyes as he unlocked the front door, only to be startled awake immediately as he laid eyes on the person standing on the other side.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't want to wake you, I can come back later." John Winchester mumbled as he took in the other man's appearance at the same time as an "What do you want?" escaped Castiel. He crossed his arms defensively over his chest, adrenaline starting to pump through his body, not sure whether he needed to prepare himself for a fight. Had it already been six weeks since the brothers' father had left for the clinic?

Castiel stared at the man for a long moment, assessing him. He looked healthier than he had the last time he had set eyes on him. He was met with a nervous gaze from the man, something he had not prior associated with John Winchester. Castiel shuffled in the doorway, not really sure how to proceed, then settling on it being better to just get whatever drove the man to his door out in the open and get it over with.

"No, I'm awake now. Anything I can help you with?"

"I- erm." John wringed his hands in front of him. "I just wanted to- would it be possible to go inside for a moment?"

"I am not sure that might be such a good idea." Castiel's defenses went up a notch.

John held his hands up. "Look, I'm not here to cause trouble, but of course I understand that you might not believe me- after our last encounter. Just,- as you know I was in a bad place - have been for some time really." John rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I want to - some of the stuff they make us talk about at the clinic- erm, they encourage us to go back to the people we might have hurt or upset when we were drunk. Part of the healing process or something, and -" John stammered, clearly uncomfortable but carrying on regardless. "I guess you are due an apology for, you know-"

Castiel swallowed, too gobsmacked to reply. He had expected a lot of things, internally had prepared already for a shouting match of some form or another, but this was a surprise.

"Ok, well-" Castiel contemplated for a second whether letting John Winchester into his house was a good idea but maybe it was his upbringing or the remnants of his faith showing; if someone wanted to right some wrongs, who was he to decline such a request.

He opened the door fully and waved John inside, making the man follow him into the kitchen.

"Would you care for some coffee?" He asked, remembering his manners.

"Yes, thank you." John replied as he took a seat at the dining table.

Uncomfortable silence stretched between them as Castiel prepared the coffee. He placed a mug in front of John and sat down on the opposite side of the table, waiting for the man to talk.

"Look, I know this is uncomfortable for you, and I appreciate you giving me your time. I'm just gonna say my piece and then will leave you alone."

Castiel nodded, clinging to the mug too hard as he tried to stay calm and not panic.

"I- um. That night, I'm sorry for getting carried away like that. For hitting you for no real reason, for um- the stuff I said." John gulped, clearly fishing for what to say.

Cas nodded in silent acceptance.

"I just, I know it's not an excuse but I was in a real bad place and did a lot of things I shouldn't have done, and I guess I have to thank you for not - you know reporting me. I know you had every right to get me into trouble."

"You can thank Dean for that." Castiel replied tersely.

John briefly glanced up, looking slightly stunned before examining his mug again. "I think I've finally gotten myself back on track and it's all gonna change from now on." He sipped on his coffee. "I got a new job lined up thanks to the clinic, a nine to five job. It will give me time to take care of the boys."

Castiel felt himself tense. He was not sure if he trusted John Winchester with his children, in particular with Dean, after how he had reacted to his son's sexuality.

"What about Dean?" He couldn't help but ask, knowing full well he might be stirring up a hornet's nest.

"What about him?" John deflected brusquely, starting to fidget.

"You know what I mean." Castiel stated, trying to bite back his quickly rising temper.

"I, erm." John rubbed the back of his neck. "I know I overreacted." He muttered into his mug. "Should have not done that. But- I just don't get it." He added after a moment. "You were married, right? Dean used to go out with girls, and what? Suddenly everybody is turning- you know. That can't be right. It's all this modern nonsense."

Castiel felt like he was vibrating out of his body and took in a deep breath.

"No offence!" John was quick to add defensively, picking up on the sudden shift in atmosphere. "But- my son likes girls. It's just a silly phase, right? This experimenting people do these days or whatever. Once he finds a nice girl, things will go back to normal."

Castiel started to seethe now. This was hitting too close to home for a multitude of reasons. He only recently heard arguments along similar lines. He cleared his throat.

"I could lecture you on the complexity of human sexuality but you made it quite clear that I'm the last person you want to talk to about this." Castiel said while he debated the pros and cons of just giving John a piece of his mind. In the end he thought better than to get into a discussion (or argument) about sexual orientation and the varieties thereof with John Winchester at his kitchen table. Instead he got up and went to his 'random stuff' drawer, sifting through it until he found the flyer for the support group he used to go to.

"If you _really_ want to understand your son, it might be worth going to one of these. They have a group for parents of LGBT youth." Castiel sat down again at the table as  John studied the flyer with much trepidation before eventually stuffing it into his jacket pocket.

Castiel doubted the man would actually go, but he was pretty sure he was even less likely to take advice from him on this matter. Maybe the best to hope for, for now, was that he at least would let Dean be. They both finished their coffee in silence, which settled uncomfortably between them.

After another few minutes, John got up. "I better be going. Thank you for your time and again, I apologize for my past behavior and hope we can put this behind us now."

"I hope so, too." Castiel replied curtly. "Let me walk you to the door." John Winchester offered his hand which Castiel took, giving it a firm shake. He didn't hold out much hope for a sudden friendship with John but he would try to at least be cordial to the man for the sake of Dean and Sam, and it would help keep an eye on him to make sure he would not endanger either of them again. One thing he definitely tried very hard not to think about was any possible repercussions should John ever find out about him an Dean.

#

"Dean, Sam. Your father is here." Bobby's announcement had Dean go tense. He had known for a few days that their dad would come and pick them up to take them back home, but he was not quite ready to face him yet, as his stomach reminded him, painfully so. He didn't know what to expect, despite both Bobby and Jody's reassurances that their dad was doing well and that he had been sober for the last eight weeks. Seeing his father clouded his overall excitement at the prospect of reuniting with Cas soon.

John seemed to feel just as uneasy as Dean, standing in the doorway and shuffling his feet. He pulled Sammy into a quick one-armed hug before extending his hand to Dean with a "good to see you, son," to which Dean replied with a well practiced "You too, sir." as he shook it. And that was it, their anticlimactic reunion. Their dad looked better than he had in a long time, Dean had to admit. Still, he didn't allow himself to relax, because they had been here before and this time he would not let his guard down, would not let himself hope to finally get his dad back. For now it was what it was and he would play his part, and when shit hit the fan yet again, he would deal with it.

Bobby spent a good half hour talking to John in the privacy of the kitchen and then just like that, they were on the road back to Chicago. Bobby and Jody promised to check in on them once a month for the near future (more likely to keep an eye on John Dean guessed). Dean especially was urged to contact them immediately with any issues while their dad was finding his feet and was encouraged to give it time.

Dean's woes were temporarily forgotten when his father let him take a turn at the wheel. It was his dream come true. He couldn't keep the grin off his face as the Impala sped along the open road. He saw Sammy smile and stick his head out the window through the rear-view mirror and just for a while Dean could pretend that life was good. He was driving his baby and he was heading home towards Cas.

It was dark when John finally pulled the Impala up in front of their house. Sammy had dozed off in the back and Dean went to get their bags out the boot while John shook his youngest son awake. It was weird going back in there, seeing his room, where it all happened. Cas had informed him that John had come for their beds after his return from the clinic. News Dean hadn't received well and which he, to his great shame, had taken out on Cas at the time, like the man somehow could have done something about it. He had no idea what he expected but he had let himself hope, daydream about coming back and continuing with life as it had been, him and Sammy at Castiel's place, being some weird kind of family unit. That dream got shattered in that moment and since then Dean had worked hard creating new dreams around the reality he found himself in. Spending time with Cas being top of that list.

With that thought he dumped the duffel bags on his bed and bounded down the stairs.

"Where you're going?" Sammy asked sleepily just walking in through the front door.

"Just saying hi to Cas."

"Son, I am sure that can wait for another day. It's gotten late and I don't think-" His dad was quick to intervene.

"He said we should come and say hello, even if it's late." With that Dean was out the door and across the street before anyone could say any more on the subject. His heart was hammering so hard in his chest he thought he might faint. He smiled at the sight of the big white button next to the front door, the bell Cas had finally managed to install. Dean could still recall the smug tone in Cas' voice as he told him about his achievement.

He pressed it and waited, nervously brushing non existing creases out of his shirt, shifting from foot to foot.

A moment later the door opened and the sight of Cas, his blue eyes, his dark messy hair, scruff that framed those perfect lips that split into a genuine smile as their eyes met, had Dean's stomach tying itself in knots.

"Hey- I'm back." Dean stammered, words failing him.

"I can see that." Cas sounded just as flustered as Dean. They stayed like that, smiling at each other, eyes locked.

"You- It's good to have you back." Castiel eventually uttered, becoming aware he had been staring and feeling the need to say something. He half lifted his hands like he wanted to hug the boy in front of him, then lowered them again, hesitating. God he had missed Dean and now that he was here Castiel felt jittery with excitement but uncertain how to proceed. He knew what he wanted to do, felt an overwhelming urge to just pull Dean in and kiss him senseless, but that was so far off the scale of parameters he had put in place, that he froze.

"I- um."

"You gonna let me in? I kind of want to hug you real bad!" Dean teased with a smirk, finally having found his voice. He gently pushed against Cas and the man let himself be moved from the door and back towards the wall, feeling his breath go ragged at Dean's touch.

Dean hooked the front door with his foot, pulling it before giving it a push, eyes never leaving Cas', pressing up against the man and engulfing him with his arms, finally!

Castiel sighed happily, only now allowing his own arms to move up and wrap around the teenager, pulling him in.

"God, I missed you." He mumbled as he buried his face in Dean's neck, surprised by the painful honesty in those words. He really had missed Dean, more than he had realized until this very moment. Dean hummed in agreement, one of his hands reaching up to the back of Cas' neck, playing with the strands of hair while his other hand gripped his shirt, bunching up the fabric in his fist, whispering a "ditto" against the shell of Castiel's ear. The man felt a shiver run through his body at the ghost of Dean's breath against his skin.

Castiel held Dean close for a long while, eventually bringing around one of his hands, gently cupping Dean's jaw and lifting it up so he could look into those beautiful green eyes. He let his thumb brush along the teenager's cheek and smiled when Dean unashamedly leaned into the touch. He marveled at the feel of fluffy scruff against his fingers, letting them run over it again and again.

Dean felt Goosebumps rising all over his skin at the gentle touch, feeling too hot and too cold. God, he wanted to kiss Cas so badly. Just one kiss. His eyes never left Cas' as he closed the last bit of distance between them, briefly brushing his lips against the man's before doing it again, placing a string of short pecks on Castiel's lips. His hand on Cas' neck worked its way up and he buried his fingers in his dark hair, pulling on it gently and finally letting his eyes flutter closed as he leaned in again.

An undignified moan escaped Castiel. His head was swimming and his pulse was racing. He was acting purely on impulse and want. There was no fooling himself any longer, he desired Dean and he was too caught up right now to think straight. He gripped Dean's jaw harder, moving his head slightly to be able to deepen the kiss, licking eagerly against the boy's bottom lip and trembling when Dean opened up willingly and their tongues met.

Dean could feel himself burn up. He was light-headed. All his blood seemed to have rushed south, leaving him without rational thought. They continued to kiss, hot and messy, Dean pressing Cas against the wall and Cas letting him do so, letting Dean take control, own him. Castiel himself was unable to think beyond the constant pounding of 'more, more' in his head.

Dean shuddered and whimpered into Cas' mouth, biting and licking the man's bottom lip. He had imagined this so many times over these last few months, not letting himself hope anything like this would happen but now that it was, he greedily wanted to take all he could. He pushed himself flush against Cas, grunting needily as his erection brushed against Cas' thigh.

The man trembled at the feel of Dean's arousal, he was painfully hard by now, too. warning lights were going off in his head, warring with the desire for Dean, but it felt too good to stop. He would put a stop to it soon, he just wanted to allow himself a few more seconds of this.

"Cas," Dean whined, bunching up the man's shirt, exposing part of his stomach, pressing his hips closer against Cas' thigh, trying to work a leg between Cas' own.

"What the hell?"

Sammy's high pitched voice rang through the room from where he stood frozen at the front door. Dean and Castiel jumped apart like they had been burned, panting hard, staring at the boy in utter disbelief as they tried to catch their breath.

"Oh god." Castiel groaned, sounding panicked, not believing that this was actually happening.

"Shit." Dean cursed. The door must have not closed properly when he kicked it shut earlier. His pleading and panicked eyes met his brother's but before he got a chance to say anything more, Sammy turned on his heels and raced out the door.

Castiel felt the world spinning, tilting on its axis. This was not happening. He could feel his stomach constrict, as bile tried to work its way up his esophagus. "No, no, no!" He repeated as he pulled frantically at his hair, his heart pounding frantically.

Dean, who had been paralyzed from shock for a second, jumped into action at his brother's retreating form. "Damn! Sammy- wait!" he shouted, running after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, it's a cliffhanger! Only slightly sorry as this chapter was getting rather long and this seemed like a good place to stop (and hopefully leave you wanting more). Well, something like this was bound to happen sooner or later.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. I finally settled into my new place (leaky pipe and non-compliant boiler aside) and generally have more time for such nice things as writing, so hopefully updates will be a bit more regular again from now on. That said, here's the next chapter (and it hasn't even been a month yet LOL). I hope you enjoy this next installment.

Sam was across the road and tearing through the front door of the Winchester house by the time Dean caught up with him.

"Sammy, wait." He pleaded breathlessly for his brother to slow down.

"Leave m'lone," the younger Winchester protested.

"Sammy!" Dean tried again, grabbing his brother on the sleeve of his jacket only to be shrugged off.

"Go away!" Sammy yelled as he stomped up the stairs and into their room where he threw himself on the bed, burying his head in the pillow.

"What on earth is going on?" John's voice boomed from across the hall before, but a moment later, he walked into the room.

"Boys?"

Dean flinched at his father's voice. He spun around, looking at his dad wide eyed. John's glare was shifting between his two sons, eyebrows drawn tight together in a frown. Dean gulped, continued to stare for a second before turning and locking eyes with Sammy who had lifted his head off the pillow and his slightly wet eyes trained on Dean.

"Please don't," Dean mouthed, feeling his throat go dry, heart hammering frantically. He could still see the anger in his baby brother's face and for a split second a cold chill crawled up Dean's spine as it looked like Sammy was about to say something. Oh god, no. Their dad could not find out, not like this. He silently begged his brother, eyes conveying the 'please don't say anything', underlined by a minuscule shake of his head.

"'S nothing, Dean's just being an idiot." Sammy eventually grunted and Dean felt like crying with momentary relief, but he swallowed it back.

"Son!" John said sternly, fixing Sammy with his eyes. "What did Dean do?" And just like that Dean felt like the air was being punched out of him again, his eyes never leaving his brothers'.

"Just leave me alone, all of you. I'm tired, I want to sleep." Sammy grunted before turning away, sulking into his pillow.

John stared at the form of his younger son for a long moment before shifting his attention to his eldest. "Dean? What the hell did you do?" The cold, no-nonsense tone in his voice had Dean cringe. His heart was pounding but he knew he had to say something or this all could go down south real fast, especially for Cas. "I- just a misunderstanding dad." His voice was shaky but Dean tried to reign himself in. "You know what it's like- between brothers."

"No- I actually don't. You two never fight, so again, what the hell?"

Dean had a sarcastic "How would you even know" on the tip of his tongue, but his survival instinct or fools luck must have stopped it from slipping out.

I will sort it, I promise." He said, trying for light-heartedness, meeting his dad's eyes head on despite feeling like hiding away.

"You better." John sighed and Dean had trouble hiding the surprise at his father's plain acceptance of the situation . Then again, he looked tired and worn after the day's drive and about ready to drop. "Just no more yelling, my head's hurting as it is. And get ready for bed, it's been a long day- yes, that's you too, Dean." John insisted when he saw Dean was about to say something but was quick to swallow whatever he was about to say.

"Yes, sir." Dean replied subdued, knowing when he was being shut up.

John wished them good-night and left, closing the door behind him. Dean exhaled noisily, standing lost in the middle of the room, staring at the door for a long moment. He really, really had the overwhelming urge to get back to Cas, but not sure how he could do this now with his father's orders of getting ready for bed. _And_ he needed to talk to Sam, try to explain, make him understand. His temples were throbbing. But Cas had been pale as a sheet when Dean had left to go after Sam and as much as Dean knew he could just call or text, he needed to _see_ him.

He sighed, chancing a glance over at Sam, who was still smashed face first into his pillow. Dean hesitated for a second before walking over to his brother's bed, sitting down at the edge.

"Thanks." he said, voice small and shaking.

"Misunderstanding right!" The younger Winchester sneered in reply, without lifting his head off pillow.

"Just let me explain, please." Dean implored.

Sam stayed unmoving and rigid for what seemed like an eternity and Dean was just about to call it a lost cause and try again tomorrow when he pulled himself up to a sitting position, arms crossed defensively across his chest. His eyes were bloodshot and he stared at Dean full of hurt.

"What's there to explain? You ruined everything and I hate you!" He hissed, barely able to contain himself, but aware that being too loud would just get their dad's attention again.

Dean visibly recoiled at the venom in his brothers' voice. "What?" He asked not sure what Sammy was getting at.

"Things were good, for the first time in years. You, me and Cas- he's always there for us. And now? You have to go and ruin it by doing _that_. What the hell, Dean? Cas is like family, like a dad and ugh-" Sam's eyes grew wide at his words. "Oh my god. This is just wrong!"

Dean groaned, feeling like he had just been slapped in the face. He'd suspected that Sammy had grown attached to Cas in a parental kind of way, how could he not. Cas had been there for him more than their dad over these last few years. Fuck, from his brother's perspective this must look real bad. Dean felt like a selfish bastard. He opened and closed his mouth, not really knowing how to reply. Had he ever really thought about how their relationship, if he could call it that, would affect Sammy if, or if Dean had been more realistic, _when_ , his little brother would find out. But damn, things had worked well before, hadn't they? Nothing really changed, only that Sam now knew. Dean just needed to make him understand.

"God, Sammy. I- I get it." Sam sniggered derisively at Dean's words. "No, I _really_ _do_ ," the older brother emphasized. "But- you have to understand it's never been like that for me. I never saw Cas like that. Cas has always been- more of a friend, a good friend and-" he gulped fishing for words. "Crap, I'm not good at this emotional stuff but- I really like him, ok. I mean like as in _like_ like. And for some reason I don't get, he likes me back and if there is a chance of this going somewhere, I want to find out- and I'm real sorry you had to find out like this, but nothing has to change." Dean was rambling but he wanted to ram this truth into his brother's head.

Sammy sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve as he continued to study Dean, although, as Dean couldn't help but notice, the look on his face was slightly less hostile and more confused.

"Isn't it wrong though? I mean-" Sammy gulped. "Not the two guys thing!" He was quick to add. "But just the whole- he's so much older, an adult and you're- they warn us about stuff like that in school, it's illegal or something?"

"No it's not," Dean states emphatically, too loud and quickly reigned his voice in again. "Technically it is but- it's not to me. But that's why we can't tell anyone, not yet- that's why we didn't tell you. I know it looks shady but- Cas didn't do anything wrong, he- we-. Please can you just trust me- and Cas on this one? He's not doing anything to me I don't want." And Dean blanched at Sammy's scrunched up slightly weirded out face when he realized how that came across.

"Um- not that- we're not- just -please?" Dean stuttered.

"Still, you didn't trust me." Sammy hissed. "After all the crap we've been through, you don't trust _me_. You just want to take Cas and keep him to yourself and-"

"Dammit Sammy, it's more complicated than that." Dean yelled, immediately regretting it at the look of shock in his brother's face and the yell of their dad 'to keep it down, godammit,' from across the hall.

"I'm sorry. Hey," he nudged his brother who had gone back to sulking and not looking at him.

"Sammy, you know me, and you know Cas! We would never leave you out."

"That's why you ran off by yourself the second we came home, because you don't leave me out?" Came the mocking reply.

"Sorry, just- you looked tired and yes- ok, I wanted a moment alone with Cas, that doesn't mean that-"

"How long?" Sammy interrupted, now staring at his brother again, like he was trying to work out a puzzle.

"What?"

"How long have you two been - you know."

"A few months, but we're not really- like we- it's hard to explain, it's been a few months since we both admitted we liked each other." Dean cringed. "Oh god, that makes me sound like a total girl."

A barely there chuckle escaped Sammy, eyes trained at the ceiling and face squeezed in concentration as he was trying to figure out if he could pinpoint the moment when things had changed between his brother and Cas. The mere thought of his brother and his - friend, big brother figure - Sammy wasn't quite sure how to label Cas, seemed surreal. But Dean had seemed generally more relaxed and happier lately and god, he would deserve someone to look after him for a change. Sammy was not too young or naive to know how much Dean had sacrificed for him over these last few years, going without just so he could have what he needed. And now that Sam thought about it, it would also explain the sudden lack of girlfriends. Which could only mean that this was kind of a big deal for Dean. Shit!

But even with that revelation, Sammy couldn't help but feel betrayed and hurt. These were the two people closest to him and this went on for months behind his back, like he didn't count, didn't matter. Did they really think he would just go and blabber about them to other people? God, he was mad and didn't even really know why. Just that there was a knot in his stomach and he didn't like it.

"Where does that leave me? I'm just in the way now. Do you two just want to hang out with each other, and I'm stuck here by myself?"

"God no. Nothing has to change." Dean said reassuringly. "It all worked well before the holidays, didn't it? You, me and Cas, it was good, it doesn't need to change. Just, you know, dad can't find out about this."

"I'm not stupid, Dean!" Sam huffed indignantly. "I _do_ remember how he flipped his shit when he found out you liked guys and what accusations he threw around. I can very well put two and two together and get 'pissed off dad'. Just don't expect me to be thrilled about any of this." Sammy grumbled and turned around again, letting Dean know this talk was over.

Dean sat there in silence for a minute, before begrudgingly acknowledging that for now this was probably all he could expect. "Ok, thanks, I guess- and sorry I have to ask you to keep my secret."

"Not like you asked me in the first place." Sammy huffed and made a non committal noise in his throat. Talk about feeling like crap, Dean thought. He had really screwed up with his brother here. But he would try his best to fix it, tomorrow.

Dean let out a long breath as he stared at the door, trying to work out the best possible way of sneaking out the house without their dad noticing because he still needed to go and see Cas. He'd just have to chance it.

"You're going over there now?" Sammy asked in disbelief. "Dad said to go to bed. You know you're just asking for trouble."

"I know- but I need to make sure he's ok. I kind of just left him there earlier." Dean willed his brother to understand.

"Whatever." Sammy grunted, before adding a mumbled "Just- don't let dad catch you." Dean couldn't help the flutter of hope. If his brother still cared enough for his wellbeing, he was sure they could work things out in time.

#

Castiel paced the living room floor frantically, feeling like he was about to implode. He was sure he was two seconds away from a full blown panic attack as he breathed too fast and too shallow. Thoughts were racing through his head. This would be it! It was over. That look of horror on Sammy's face, he would never forget. It was like a knife continuously twisting in his back. The younger Winchester would tell John and the man would come over here and kill him or, even worse, call the cops and he would get arrested and sent to prison. He would be branded a child-molester. Castiel could only imagine what people in prison would do to the likes of him, no questions asked. His name would be put on a register. Castiel could feel himself start to hyperventilate but he couldn't stop the onslaught of thoughts or calm his breathing.

He surely would lose his job over this, even if he wasn't sent to prison. No way any university would keep a convicted criminal on their payroll. Oh god, he was going to faint or be sick, or both. There was a jackhammer pounding against his right temple. Would it be better if he turned himself in? Maybe by doing so he could avoid the worst, after all he never had intercourse or any actual sexual contact with Dean, that surely must count for something.

The thing was, he was not like _that_ , he didn't have some twisted hankering for underage boys, no urge to use them for quick sexual gratification, had never even looked at anyone underage in that way. Castiel had always preferred older company, sexual or otherwise, until Dean had crushed into his life. Dean was different, so mature for his age and in spite of their age difference there was a connection between them, the like of which Castiel hadn't felt with anyone before, something indescribable that somehow seemed to make the risk worthwhile. And yes, while he increasingly found Dean visually pleasing and attractive as he grew into himself, it had never been about sex but he doubted that anyone would believe him, especially with his earlier actions attesting to the contrary.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god." He mumbled sitting down on the couch and starting to rock. He needed to calm down, take some slow steadying breaths, prepare himself. Perhaps call Gabriel. Maybe his brother would understand somehow. Also how long had it been? Twenty minutes, half an hour? He had expected John to have burst through the door by now. What if he took to assaulting Dean first instead? It wouldn't be the first time. Maybe the reminder of Dean's sexuality drove him over the edge again. Castiel jumped up off the couch. Oh god, Dean. He needed to make sure he was ok.

Strangely this new thought helped him to calm down somewhat, to focus. Dean's safety was more important than his own right now. It took weeks last time until all the bruises had healed and he would not want to see Dean beaten up like that again. He had to go over there and check, consequences be damned. Castiel took in a deep breath, walked into the hallway, pulled on the first pair of shoes he could find and fumbled for the keys in his coat pocket when the doorbell made him jump. Oh god! This was it!

Just wanting it all to be over, he resisted the momentary urge to just run and hide and opened the door with trepidation, letting out a massive breath when he saw Dean standing there.

"Oh god Dean, are you ok?" He took Dean's face in his hands, turning it from side to side, checking for any bruising or signs of a physical altercation.

"You're ok?" He asked again, not letting go of the boy, when Dean didn't say anything.

"Yes. Yes, I'm fine. But you don't look too good." Dean took in Cas' form, the man was shaking and still pale as a ghost. "Let's get you inside."

"But-" Castiel protested weakly, not comprehending why Dean was here, unharmed. This didn't make sense. At the same time he could feel himself deflate, all the fight leaving him. The room around him started to spin.

"It's alright. Everything's ok. Sammy will be ok- we'll be ok!" Dean assured the man and had to catch Cas around his waist when he seemed to fold in on himself.

"Oh god." Cas whimpered as Dean dragged him inside, this time making sure the door closed properly. He lead Cas into the living room, where he made him sit, and took a seat next to him before pulling him in for a hug. Dean probably needed it just as much as Cas and he unashamedly molded himself against the man's body, pressing his face against his chest, feeling like crying but refusing to let the tears take over.

"What happened?" Castiel eventually asked.

"Sammy's upset but I'm sure he'll come around. I talked to him."

"So he didn't tell-"

"No, dad doesn't know, and it will stay like that." Dean emphasized, raising his head to look at Castiel.

"Hey, look at me. I promise it will stay like that, just don't-" Dean swallowed.

"Don't what?"

"I dunno, call this off or something, just because I was stupid and forced you into doing something you clearly stated was off the menu for the time being."

And Castiel's heart ached at the sudden pain and anxiety in the teenager's voice. This was not a healthy basis for any kind of relationship if every time Castiel freaked out, rightly or otherwise, Dean would be fearful of just being cast aside. And he'd be damned, but one thing Castiel realized in that instant with a blinding clarity was that even if tonight it would have all gone belly up, his feelings for Dean would not have changed. Maybe it was just a sign of some slow descent into madness, leaving all common sense behind, but the again, love often was without reason or rhyme.

"Hey," He placed the palm of his hands on Dean's jaw, stroking his chin with his thumb. "Dean, listen very carefully. I will not just leave you! Call me crazy but I want this to go somewhere, and you have to believe me on this. I really care for you and I enjoy your company immensely, that will not change, no matter what the circumstances." And Castiel could feel the word right there, on the tip of his tongue, yet for some unbeknown reason it did not come. He rested his forehead against Dean's. "Yes, things went too far tonight but it is as much my fault as yours, maybe even moreso, because really I should know better than to let myself get carried away like that, knowing what is at stake- have better control over myself."

"But Cas, you can't always blame yourself for when-"

"But I do! I feel like I am responsible for both our actions, maybe it's not fair on me- or on you, but it is how I feel. I need this safety net."

"Ok." Dean conceded, resting his head against Cas' shoulders. He had no idea what pressure Castiel must feel under because of this thing between them and maybe, if Dean had any willpower, he would call this off for both their sakes, but he was selfish and he didn't want to envisage a life without Cas or even with just some of Cas. Plus the man just said he wanted this to go somewhere. That was reason enough for Dean to try and make this work, odds be damned.

Cas placed a gentle peck on the top of Dean's head. "Let's just learn from this and find ways to cope because I can tell you- _this_ " he pointed between the two "It will not get easier with time."

Dean let the words sink in, nodding his head after a moment. He could keep a hold on himself. Had to if he didn't want to risk putting Cas in danger. No matter how much he desired the man he was currently pressed against, wanted to experience all the wonderful things he had been fantasizing about, the memory of earlier would just have to do for a while, serve him as jerk off fodder for the near future. It would have to be enough for him keep his urges at bay. Because if he was being honest, even now he could feel his body react to Cas' presence, the need to just feel and touch and taste, making his body strum with want. He wondered whether Castiel felt the same pull. If he pleasured himself with Dean in his thoughts, but he didn't want to pry. These were murky waters at best and anything sexual needed to be kept out of their relationship for now.

"So back to basics?" Dean suggested.

"That would probably the best for now. Especially with Sammy in mind. It's not just about the two of us any longer." Castiel agreed.

"Yeah, of course." Sammy! Dean really hoped his brother would come around and more importantly, keep their secret safe. It pained him to have to put this on Sammy but they had no other option now. He sighed, suddenly feeling worn out and tired.

Castiel must have misread his reaction as frustration at him and he cradled his face in his hands before pulling him against him. "Hey, we still will spent time together, just like before." Castiel said reassuringly.

"I know and I'd like that. Just- I guess it's been a long day, and Sammy is most likely still upset. Probably should head back. You going to be ok?"

"Yes." Castiel stated and actually meant it. His panic had mostly dissipated. Now he was just bone crushingly tired. He got up and pulled Dean up with him. He didn't let go of the boy's hand but intertwined their fingers as he walked Dean to the front-door. Dean squeezed his hand and held on tight like he was afraid Cas would let go at any moment.

"See you tomorrow." Castiel said like a promise, placing a quick peck on Dean's lips before opening the door.

"Tomorrow." Dean replied, smiling and feeling more at ease again. If Castiel wanted to reassure him with his small gestures of comfort he had definitely succeeded. Dean's heart felt light and hopeful as he quickly made his way across the street, and quietly entered his own house, relieved to find it in darkness. It appeared he got away with sneaking out. Sammy was curled up under his duvet and fast asleep when he tiptoed into their room. Dean couldn't help the smile tugging on his lips at the sight. He was certain his little brother would come around. He would show Sammy that nothing had to change, and somehow they all would make this work until Dean was old enough for Cas and him to have an open and proper relationship.

#

In the end it took Sammy almost two weeks before he showed his face at Castiel's place again. Those had probably been two of the most tense weeks Dean had ever had to live through, especially as he had been at a loss at how to fix the situation. The first week was the worst, as Sammy just sulked around the house, not talking to anyone and avoiding Dean like the plague. Their father, in his newfound attempt at fatherhood, tried to intervene, unbeknowingly only making matters more tense as the brothers ended up not only avoiding each other but their father as well for fear of accidentally spilling the beans. This led to all kinds of probing on their father's part as normally his sons provided a pretty united front and an increasingly sour atmosphere at home.

At least Dean had the advantage of being able to escape to Castiel's. In fact, he got to spent plenty of time at the man's place, with Cas, just the two of them, while his brother spent his late afternoons and evening hiding in their shared room, probably grateful Dean wasn't around. Dean knew his dad was not thrilled about his time spent at Cas' but thankfully he kept his dislike quiet as long as Dean would turn back up home in time for dinner, which John insisted they'd all eat together these days.

In reality though, it wasn't as much time spent with each other but more both of them inhabiting the same space at the same time. Castiel was busy with preparing for the start of the new semester, and as much as he said he was fine, Dean knew that the fact Cas didn't get the tenancy he'd hoped for was gnawing at him. Not that his friend had to worry about his employment, he had accepted a three year contract as a lecturer for the history department. Dean chanced a guess that it was more hurt pride or some weird kind of competitive streak, or the legacy of Cas still wanting to please his parents, despite not having spoken to them in almost two months, or some other crap. But that disappointment combined with the constant underlying worry about what might or might not happen with regards to Sammy hanging over them like a Damocles sword, meant that Cas really wasn't faring too well. He tried not to show it but Dean could read his older friend pretty well these days.

Combined with his own anxiety over junior year, the unresolved Sammy situation and life at large, Dean felt like he had been thrown in an emotional tumble dryer. He might have had the odd cigarette, from a pack he had stashed in the back of his wardrobe, despite having given up on the habit a while ago, and if Cas noticed he didn't say anything, for which Dean was thankful.

After a whole week, which felt like a year, of avoiding Dean, Sam finally broke one evening and asked Dean if his _thing_ with Cas was serious, taking Dean's answer of 'Yes' at face value, nodding his head and going back to the schoolwork he was in the middle off. Dean assumed his brother needed time to work things out in his head and was just relieved Sammy was acknowledging his existence again.

They hardly spoke for that second week and then, Monday afternoon, Sammy just turned up at Castiel's doorstep, ringing the bell instead of using his key, like he didn't want to intrude, and with a grunt for a 'Hello' walked into the kitchen and started on his homework. Castiel was up in his study where he brooded over lecture plans and Dean had his own homework to do, albeit reluctantly, and planted himself down next to his brother. And just like that, it all somehow slotted back into place. The only indication of there being anything different was Sammy's exclamation of 'This is weird' when Dean and Cas had gazed at each other for slightly longer than was considered appropriate while they were preparing some coffee, for which it apparently took two people these days. Dean and Cas hadn't quite known how to react but Sammy just rolled his eyes and focused on his book again, leaving them to it and for the first time in weeks Dean really let himself believe that this all had a chance of working out.

If it hadn't been for school Dean would have even said that he was happy. But junior year proved to be an seemingly endless strings of assignments and homework and tests and talks about if and what colleges he should think of applying to. Dean felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of it, and didn't see the point of it anyway, as he could never see himself go off to college, much preferring practical hands on work to all this pointless book knowledge.

He considered to just calling it a day more than once, when frustration got the better of him. Not helped by his teachers generally not expecting much of him and in his mind validating what he already knew to be true. He would never really get far in life, not academic wise at least. If it was for him he'd just do his GED when he turned 17 and be done with it, focusing on earning some money instead. He wanted to support his family, aka Sammy, and make sure he didn't have to worry about money ever again and being able to afford to pay for his college education, as there was no doubt in Dean's mind that, unlike him, that was exactly where his brother would be heading.

Castiel tried to gently nudge him ever so often, telling him how bright he was, and as much as Dean appreciated the sentiment behind it, it irritated him on a regular basis. They had gotten into a good few arguments over it, Castiel passionately urging Dean on while Dean pushed him away with words and silence.

Then one regretful evening, Dean yelled at him that he was not his dad, regretting the words as soon as they had left his mouth. It had been a stupid, mindless thing to say. Something you hurl at someone without thinking but Cas looked stunned and had left the kitchen without another word. Talk about pouring salt onto an open wound. Sammy had stared at him for what felt like hours, before shaking his head with a "what the hell, Dean?" Like Dean needed reminding that he screwed up! He fucking well knew about Cas' issues with their age gap, and that in the man's ear this must have been a particularly low blow. But he was just so furious after a shit day at school and an essay that needed handing in the next day that he just came out with the first thing that came to his mind, just to shut Cas up.

It had been tense between them for the days that followed, no matter how much Dean apologized and Cas outwardly accepted his apologies. Cas pointedly avoided mentioning anything school work related and generally kept things casual and that, if anything, was even worse. And Dean didn't know how to make it right again. Didn't know what to say to undo the damage. He hated every second of them dancing around each other like that. It felt they were back to before, when Castiel had desperately tried to keep Dean strictly in the 'friends-zone'.

Castiel didn't share any of his internal monologues with Dean about how that one little stupid sentence, said out of spite, had propelled him into a deep crisis. He questioned everything about himself, and worse, about Dean and his motives for being attracted to him, for wanting to be close. Castiel thought that maybe he had it all wrong and Dean was really only looking for a father figure, being as he didn't really have one to speak of over these last years and somehow confused this with attraction for the older man. And would that mean that he was taking advantage of the boy? Thirteen years was an awfully big age-gap, even once Dean would be of age. And yes, his brother's words, albeit spoken years ago and out of spite, were ringing in Castiel's ears, although he would never believe Dean capable of consciously using other people like that.

All this doubt and hurt had led to him tiptoeing around Dean, not sure what to say or how to interact all of a sudden, while hating the look his actions put on the teenager's face and wanting nothing more than to pull him into a hug and forget this ever happened.

It was Sammy, who somehow seemed to be the most mature of all of them, who snapped them out of it eventually. He grumbled in frustration one afternoon, when Dean and Cas were being all passive aggressive again, and told them both to sort out their shit ("language, Sammy!"). But it did get them to, in fact, sort shit out. They ended up talking and Cas, to his own surprise, even shared his very real hurt over the comment and Dean assured him that he never, ever saw him like that. In the end it felt good to hug it out and to connect again. Dean agreed to ask for help when he felt like he didn't get something and Cas promised to not be too overbearing in his general encouragement.

Still, some of Cas' belief in him must have slowly trickled through, as Dean more often than not found himself engrossed in his homework, and even, after some serious buckling down, came back with 90% on his latest math's test, to the chagrin of his teacher who, if anyone, should have been pleased about Dean's sudden improvement, but seemed more interested in trying to find out whether he cheated or not. Apparently his short brush with the law and his address were enough for people to write him off.

The only thing that Dean enjoyed at school was the new basketball season. He was promoted to team captain after almost single handedly winning them the first game of the season. Coach Baxter was one of the few teachers he slowly developed some kind of respect for as he was tough but fair, something Dean appreciated and could work with.

Sammy and Cas made a point of coming to all of his games and tonight was the last match before the Christmas break and even his old man showed up. Dean felt a weird urge to do extra well. He just wanted to show his dad he was good at something, something he would approve off at least. Sports was one of the few things he and his dad could share. Also he had no idea why he still felt the need to impress him at all, but John had been more of a father to them over these last few months, flawed as it still was, than the last five years. Maybe a small part of Dean was starting to mellow, letting his guard down and thinking that against his better judgment, this time John, with the help of Bobby and those support groups, really had turned a corner.

The game was grueling and they narrowly managed to win by 4 points, thanks to two last minute throws by Dean. Yeah he was good at this sport and loved every second of the crowd cheering and high-fiving his team mates. The only downside was that while everyone else could sprint off to their respective girlfriends to share in their joy, Dean had to make due with a glance and a smile at the stands, and he couldn't even do that too blatantly as his dad was right there, next to Sammy who was next to Cas. The man gave him a small wave of acknowledgment in return and John nodded his approval while Sammy was shouting his name and grinning like an idiot.

His team-mates were slapping his shoulders, praising him for a game well played and he found himself surrounded by three cheerleaders who were all batting their eyelashes at him, asking whether he would be at the party later. He smiled and winked and flirted half-heartedly, trying to adhere to some weird notion of what he thought was expected of him. He didn't even really know why, but it was easier than trying to explain that he just wasn't interested and was actually taken. He had come to realize that this was generally sufficient, keeping them entertained just enough that they thought they might have a shot without ever actually following through.

What Dean hadn't quite accounted for was the fact that this apparently 'coy' behavior would give him some kind of appeal and propel him to the number one spot of guys girls wanted to date. Apparently getting with Dean Winchester had become some kind of challenge for the female population of South Healey High. Dean mumbled a non-committal 'maybe' accompanied by a wink and excused himself, but not before one of the cheerleaders, a pretty brunette, whispered into his ear that she could make it worth his while.

He just wanted to get out of here and spent whatever was left of the evening with Cas, if he could get away from his dad that was. It had been a hectic week and he hardly spent more than five minutes with the man. But his team-mates wouldn't let up on him joining them and also they had increasing issues as to his reluctance to date any of the girls. 'What has happened to you, man, you used to be all over them," was asked more than once, which Dean generally ignored or replied to with a shrug.

Tonight was no different. Dean was tired of this shit and gave some pointless reply along the lines of that the cheerleaders bored him. Of course that was when the inevitable "How can pussy bore you? Don't say you're playing for the other team now" was hurled at him for the first time. As jokingly as it was said, it jarred Dean. Not necessarily because he was scared as such of the label 'Gay', he had survived John Winchester's wrath after all, these guys were small fish in comparison. But more because that might lead to other questions which eventually might lead to Cas and he couldn't afford for anyone to go there. Plus strictly speaking, he was not gay but try and get that into the head of these Neanderthals. Dean knew a lost cause when he saw one. So he said that he would see what he could do about tonight, to the laughs and shoulder slaps of his team-mates. If it took some stupid party and flirting with some girls to get them off his back, Dean would reluctantly do so, anything for a quiet life.

Dean texted Sammy to keep their dad occupied as he needed a moment with Cas. He didn't like asking his brother for these favors but it had come in handy once or twice in that past. Sammy, to Dean's great relief, seemed to have come round from reluctant acknowledgement to plain acceptance of his relationship with Cas, because his brother was just awesome like that. He even told them once or twice that they didn't need to be quite so distant with each other when he was around. It probably had a lot do with both Cas and Dean making an extra effort so Sammy didn't feel left out when they were all together.

Dean told his team-mates he would meet them at the party before leaving the locker room, heading out of the building on a mission to intercept Cas before he would make it to his car.

"Hey," Dean smiled as he spotted Cas and Sammy walking towards the parking lot. John was about two feet ahead, veering off to the right towards the Impala. They had come in two cars, as Cas had come straight from work and also, him and John sharing a vehicle, not so much. John merely tolerated the other man's existence and his apparent involvement in his sons' lives, but he made no secret of the fact that he was not too comfortable with it. Dean more than once was about two seconds away from putting his old man straight about this. During moments when he felt especially protective of Cas and what the man meant to him, and to Sammy. Something their father should damn well acknowledge and show this man some respect. After all, he had been the one who was there for _his_ kids without fail over these years, while John was out somewhere or other, drunk off his head. But Dean never did, mainly out of fear of accidentally putting John's nose where it didn't belong. Didn't' mean that he was happy with his father's behavior.

Cas and Sam turned around, both waving in greeting. Sammy gave his older brother a quick nod of understanding that he had received his earlier text, before heading after their dad, no idea what riveting conversation he might be able to engage him in but he would think of something. He just hoped that whatever Dean and Cas had so urgently to discuss would not take too long, and above all that his idiot of a brother would be careful. It was hard to miss the way his face lit up at the sight of their friend these days. Sammy wondered how he could have ever missed something so obvious or maybe Dean's heart eyes just gotten worse over these last few months. Cas at least was able to keep a poker face, well most of the time anyway.

Dean grinned almost shyly and pulled Cas along by his sleeve until they were shielded away from sight in a quiet corner behind the sports hall.

They both smiled at each other, and it was one of those moments where both hated that they had to be so careful about any interaction as it was clearly written on both their faces that what they really wanted to do was embrace each other.

"That was a very enjoyable game." Castiel chuckled, nudging Dean's shoulder with his own.

"Maybe because you finally understand all the rules." Dean teased.

"Yes, most certainly. It is still regrettable that my parents preferred to introduce us to such boring games as football and baseball, ignoring to focus on finer aspects of basketball." Cas chortled. He of course had known the basics of the game but never until now had taken a real interest in this particular sport. Clearly that had changed. "Or maybe it has to do with a certain Power Forward." Cas smirked and Dean could feel his face heat up.

"Shut up." He scolded playfully. God he so did not want to go to that stupid party, with these stupid brainless idiots but rather go back and curl up with Cas on the couch, no matter how lame that sounded. But he had already agreed and also he knew if he didn't show his face tonight the questions just would keep coming.

"Cas, look, I know I said I'd come back to yours but-"

Castiel nodded, still smiling. "Dean, I've been to high school and while I was not on any of the teams, I know about the concept of celebratory parties after a successful match."

Dean nodded relieved that he didn't need to go into some long-winded speech. "Man, you know I'd rather go back with you, right?"

"Just go and enjoy yourself. You're only in high school once." Cas was actually relieved Dean wanted to go off with his peers. He sometimes felt like it was due to him that Dean kept himself to himself so much and as much as their time together was precious, it could not be healthy for the teenager to cut himself off like that. He needed to experience aspects of teenage life Castiel would not be able to provide. Also a small part of him thought that if Dean had fun with people his own age and then still chose him, their relationship would have a better chance of succeeding.

"Yeah, ok, old man." Dean teased, then clamped him mouth shut, eyes wide. Shit he'd done it again.

Castiel, to Dean's surprise, threw his head back in quiet laughter before looking at him fondly. "It's ok Dean, really." Cas smiled, and it really was ok. Their talk a few weeks ago had helped Castiel to face up to some things. Mainly the reality that he was older and had to stop being so hung up over that fact, and moreover not be butt hurt every time Dean took a jab at it, especially when it was said in such a fond way as it just had been.

Dean was beaming now. It felt like they just had turned some kind of invisible corner and it felt good. He quickly chanced a look to the right and the left and when he was positive that there was no one nearby, leaned in, placing a quick closed mouth kiss on Cas' lips.

"See you tomorrow?"

"You know where to find me." Cas said with a wink and Dean chuckled in the affirmative. They emerged from their hiding place a moment later, not able to take their eyes off each other. There was a crowd of people just outside the building, and shouts of "Hey Dean, you need a ride?" were pulling them back to the here and now.

"Yeah, sure." Dean yelled back. "Bye Cas." He said before jogging over to his team-mates, throwing a quick glance back over his shoulder, watching Cas head towards his car. It appeared John and Sammy had already headed off home. He would just have to call his dad to tell him that he would be back late.

"Who was that?" One of his friends asked, nodding in Castiel' direction.

"Oh- that's-" Dean gulped, trying to will away the blush that threatened to creep up his face.

"Just a friend." He shrugged his shoulders non-committal and prayed he got away with it.

"You have weird friends, Winchester. I think it's time we showed you how to have a good time."

"Yeah, right." Dean laughed. They all piled into a fancy 4 by 4 that Dean had no idea who it belonged to, but didn't really care. As long as people won't be asking stupid questions and poke in his personal business, he'd play nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always kudos and feedback are love and more than welcomed :) . I especially hope you liked my take on Sammy and how he took the situation. Now off to finish off the next chapter (which I seriously cannot wait to give to you)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just something to keep you warm tonight :) So happy I got this finished today. I tried to the best of my abilities to comb through it, but I am really tired, so if you see anything glaringly obvious please let me know, as this chapter has only been beta'ed for content not for grammar!  
> (Gently reminds readers about the M rating)

"Hey, this is where you are hiding."

"Amelia-" Castiel looked up sheepishly from where he stood leaning against the kitchen cabinets, 'Busted'. "I- urm, just wanted to get some water." He offered as a feeble explanation as to why he was skulking in the kitchen whilst there was a party going on in the living-room.

"Still feeling awkward around too many people?" She smiled softly at him while pointedly looking at content of the glass he was holding, which was decidedly _not_ water.

"You know me- I have my moments." Castiel shrugged his shoulders and took swig of the yellow liquid in his glass.

"Easy there, how much of the eggnog did you have?"

"A glass or three." Castiel chuckled.

"You know it's my mother's deadly recipe with the _extra_ kick, right?"

"Thought I tasted something funny." He teased smiling at the woman. That didn't deter him though from devouring what was left in his glass, already being eager for more. He loved Amelia's homemade eggnog and was planning on getting his fill tonight, he could always sleep it off tomorrow.

She came and stood next to him, mirroring his stance as she rested her elbows on the kitchen top, leaning back.

"Soooo?" Her voice changed to a lilting tease, eyes resting on Castiel's face.

"Sooooo- what?" He imitated, knowing that tone of voice only too well. They had been married after all.

"Greg?" She simply stated raising an eyebrow.

"What about him?"

"He seems nice."

"He is very interesting to talk to."

"You know he works in our Accounts department, but he's thinking about retraining as a teacher."

"You are telling me this why?" Now it was Castiel's turn to raise an eyebrow at the way Amelia was slyly grinning at him and rolling her eyes like he was somehow slow, or missing the point here. And quite possibly he was. Castiel definitely didn't pride himself in understanding in detail the intrinsic workings of social interactions, especially not at these kinds of informal gatherings.

"Just saying, he's a history nerd, just like you and - he's not exactly hard on the eyes." She nudged his shoulder.

"Oh god," It finally clicked. "You are trying to set me up!" Castiel blurted out, face twisted in a mix of horror and embarrassment. Suddenly Amelia's behavior this evening made a lot more sense. The way she had so enthusiastically introduced them and made sure their paths kept crossing.

"Well-" She grinned. "Is it working?"

"I- erm. Amelia, I'm really not-" He flailed his arms.

She smiled sympathetically at the awkward gesture, before fixing the man with a serious look. "Castiel, it's been almost a year since your break-up with Alan. I know it can't have been easy but- Don't you think it's time to move on?"

Castiel gulped. "I- I really do not need a relationship right now." He stuttered, clinging to his glass.

"Maybe not _need_ \- but Cassie, I worry about you. You basically lost your whole family not too long ago and- I just don't want you to be lonely." She admitted after a moment.

"Oh Millie" Castiel smiled fondly at his former wife, now best friend. "Really, I'm doing fine. Plus, I have you." He underlined that statement with a gentle nudge and a gummy smile, while cringing on the inside. If only he could share with her. He hated the fact that he had to keep a big part of his current life secret. That he had to deflect and feed her half truths. Of course she would worry about him, with everything that had been happening in his life lately and no apparent partner to support him through it. Then again if she knew, she might worry even more, or worse, judge and abandon him, although a small part of Castiel hoped that she at least would try and understand before passing judgment. She just was that kind of person and if it hadn't been for her, Castiel would not be where he was today. But he was not going to put that theory to the test any time soon.

"I'm glad to hear. But- just, maybe give Greg a chance? Not saying it has to lead to happily ever after. Just, he is a really great guy, you know."

"Yes, he seems pleasant, just- I am really not looking right now."

"Okay," Amelia conceded, "I let it rest, but only if you come out of here and join the party. Come on, enough hibernating." She grinned and before he could protest, dragged him out of the kitchen and into the living room, where her combined Christmas and Birthday party was in full swing.

Two hours later and Castiel for sure felt the effect of the spiked eggnog. He might have slightly overestimated his ability to imbibe alcoholic beverages, not having had any since that unfortunate evening at Gabriel's, after which he had sworn he would never drink again. Greg, unfortunately, seemed to have taken a real liking to him and Castiel had to literal pry himself away from flirty conversations and gentle, searching touches. He had every intention of letting the guy down easy but subtlety had never been his forte and he kind of accidentally offended the guy.

This time, to his own consternation, he took to hiding in the en-suite in an attempt at avoiding any additional awkwardness. He knew Amelia meant well and he wished he could have just told Greg that he was not available but he could not for fear of the 'news' getting around and maybe he should have just stayed at home. But that aside, he definitely felt like it was time to _go_ home. He fumbled for his cell in his trouser pocket and dialed Dean.

"Hey, how's things at Amelia's?" Dean chuckled through the line.

"Oh god, Dean. Please come and get me." Cas whined.

"Party that boring?" Dean laughed. He knew Cas wasn't exactly a party person but he thought he could last one evening.

"Well, boring might be the wrong word. A _challenge_ might be more fitting. Amelia tried to set me up with this guy and-"

"What?" Dean butted in, a fiery feeling taking a hold in the pit of his stomach.

"I know, right!" Cas huffed. "And he's kind of nice and all and I don't want to be an ass but I'm just doing this obstacle course of avoidance and- ugh I need more drink."

"Easy there tiger. I can come and get you if that's want you want." Dean offered, for totally unselfish reasons- of course. But honestly, he didn't want to image some dude trying his moves on 'his man' and rather get him out of there. As much as he trusted Cas, he sounded a bit worse for wear and sometimes people did stupid shit without wanting to and as he and Cas weren't doing that kind of stuff exactly, maybe Cas' body would override and just-. Dean took a steadying breath, his thoughts were getting ahead of him.

"You'd come and safe me?" Cas chortled. "I was mainly joking though. I could always get a taxi, I suppose-"

"Save yourself the money. Just give me half an hour, you think you can last that long?"

"My hero." Cas teased, tongue loosened by the generous amount of the yellow liquid he had consumed.

True to his word, it took Dean just over thirty minutes to make his way across town to where Amelia and her new man had bought a nice two bedroom apartment. When she opened the door and saw Dean standing there, a bright smile spread across her face and she engulfed him in one of her big hugs, despite Dean towering above her these days.

"Good to see you Dean. Hey, you gotta stop growing!" She said, reaching up and pinching his cheek, giggling. Clearly she might have had one or two too many glasses of whatever it was they were serving at this party as well.

"Not until I'm taller than Cas, just to spite him." Dean grinned back. He hadn't seen Amelia since Sammy's twelfth birthday party. It was weird how, despite not seeing as much of her as they used to, she definitely still was a firm part in their lives, especially Sammy's, as he knew those two were regularly doing this thing called Skype. There were good people in the world and by some miracle two of those had been placed right outside their front door four years ago.

"So, you're here for Cassie?"

"Yeah, I got a distress call and he didn't really sound in any condition to be driving."

Amelia snorted not very lady-like. "That sounds like him. Well, he always did like my eggnog. Let me get him for you, I'm sure he's currently hiding in the spare bedroom."

Dean let out a laughter that was mildly tinted with relief. If Cas was not part of the party, then this dude was not currently sweet-talking him.

Amelia made her way through the crowded living-room where people were dancing to some cheesy Christmas music.

"Your steed has arrived." She chortled when she found Castiel sitting on the edge of the bed, a blush creeping over his cheeks as he was found red handed cleaning out his glass, with tongue and fingers.

"Great, I just- grab my coat then," Castiel stuttered and got up, stumbling slightly, catching himself just in time. He rummaged through the array of coats on the bed until he found his and wrestled himself into it. "Thanks Amelia, I had a great time-"

"Castiel, you don't need to lie. I'm just glad you showed, you know."

"No, I really did. Ok- grabby hands aside-" He chuckled, working his hands through his hair.

"Sorry for that."

"Don't worry. No harm done." He flung his arm around her shoulder and they walked arm in am to the door where Castiel pulled her into a long hug.

"Love you Millie."

"Same." She smiled before shoving him out the door, with a wave to Dean. "Just get him home in one piece."

"Will, do, bye Amelia."

"Bye honey." She ruffled Dean's hair before closing the door on the them, leaving Dean to struggle with a very malleable Castiel, who plastered himself to his side.

"Ok, let's go, big boy." Dean grabbed Cas around the waist, not sure whether the man actually needed the extra support but wanting to be on the safe side. Cas, being uncharacteristically affectionate, rested his head on Dean's shoulder as he brought up his own arm and wrapped it around the teenager's waist, a low chuckle escaping him. It was almost like they were just a normal couple, walking arm in arm to the car and Dean never wanted to let go while equally feeling a pang of bitterness taking hold. Because of stupid rules and shit, they could not have this every day. Something so simple and innocent, yet affectionate.

He maneuvered Castiel into the passenger seat of the Impala, getting in on the driver side and started her up.

Castiel groaned and rested his head against the window, eyes closed.

"So... interesting night?" Dean cocked an eyebrow curiously as he briefly glanced over at Cas' huddled form.

"Amelia's lethal eggnog more like."

"You telling me you got drunk on _eggnog_?" Dean had trouble keeping a straight face.

"Do not judge until you tried it for yourself." Castiel grumbled. Maybe he should have not had that last glass, but it was easily his favorite drink.

"And otherwise?" Dean probed gently, the _one_ question burning on his tongue but he did not want to seem like some stupid jealous idiot.

"Great food, too many people and Amelia playing cupid, that pretty much covers it."

"How was he?" Dean tried for light curiosity but there was a bite to his voice. It must have been so obvious that even a slightly inebriated Cas picked up on it.

"He was interesting to talk to for a while, but Dean- he's got nothing on you." Castiel turned and smiled at the teenager, shuffling slightly closer on the seat and resting his head on Dean's shoulder. The grin that spread over Dean's face was so big, he was worried for a second that it might split his face in half and no matter how hard the tried, he couldn't stop.

"Good," Dean mumbled, the slight feeling of dread replaced by jittery butterflies. He lifted his arm so the man's head could rest properly on his shoulder, placing it over the backseat. Castiel left his head there the rest of the way, eyes closed and humming along to the music as they rode home in companionable silence.

Dean parked the Impala outside his house and walked Cas over to his own place, sneakily hoping that maybe he could steal a kiss before saying goodnight. Cas seemed to have sobered up during the drive, Dean thought. Well he appeared to have anyway, until he tried to unlock his front door, unsuccessfully, three times, that was.

"Gimme that." Dean grabbed the keys out of the man's hand and made quick work of the door, shoving Cas through and into the house before closing it behind them.

And then in the dark hallway, as they ended up standing no more than an arms length apart, it was suddenly all too quiet. Castiel stared at Dean like he just saw him for the first time and Dean's heart skipped a beat as he held the man's gaze, licking his lips nervously. Cas kept on staring through taking off his coat, like he was in deep thought even as his eyes raked over the teenager and Dean felt himself grow hot under the scrutiny.

"What?" He huffed, needing to say something to break the sudden tension before he would explode or do something very, _very_ stupid.

"God, Dean," Cas grunted, working his hands furiously through his hair, messing it up even more than it already was.

"What?" Dean asked again, this time more a breathless whisper, his heart racing.

Castiel stared for a while longer, before shaking his head and turning away from the boy, the rise and fall of his shoulders indicating that he was trying to compose himself.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Dean was confused by the atypical behavior of his friend, even if he'd allowed for the fact that he was slightly drunk and his confusion was swiftly changing to worry. Cas grumbled something inaudible before walking off to the living room where he sat down on the couch, putting his head in his hands. Dean followed without delay. He felt his chest tighten as he took a seat next to the man, turning to face him. Cas very deliberately focused his gaze on his clasped hands in his lap.

Dean sighed. "Please, what's wrong?" He implored, placing his hand on Cas' cheek moving his face so he had no choice but to face him.

Castiel could feel his throat go dry. Dean's touch seared his skin. He got so lost in his own head, fighting a losing battle. The sight and touch of Dean violently pulled him out of his daze. "God Dean, you have no idea, do you?" He whimpered, sounding like he was in pain.

"About what?" Dean now had a slight panicked edge to his voice.

Finally Cas' blue eyes met Dean's. A small bitter laugh escaped him. "You-" he sighed. A small voice in his head tried to raise some protest; he valiantly ignored it. "You have no idea what you are doing to me." Cas' eyes bored into Dean's now and the teenager was not sure if this was a good or a bad thing, just that his heart was beating even faster than it had a moment ago.

Dean's hand still rested on Cas' cheek and he leaned into the touch, heaving a sigh. Dean's thumb started to gently stroke across Cas' stubbled jaw and the man closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath, like he was looking for courage.

"The way you make me feel- it's, god Dean I hate this so much." Dean withdrew his hand in shock, gasping, and Cas' eyes flew open.

"No, that's not what I mean- Dean- I hate this situation we're stuck in. That I cannot just tell people I'm not interested because I have found someone special." Castiel stumbled over his words, pulling Dean in again by his wrist, willing him to understand. He let himself be drawn in, allowed those strong arms to engulf him.

Castiel rested his head in the crook of Dean's neck, whispering against the teenager's skin, the brush of warm lips making Dean shiver. "I hate that I have to keep you a secret, I hate that we can't go out together like a couple and most of all I hate that-" he bit his lip fretfully.

"What?" Dean asked, voice shaking with nervous anticipation, just needing to know.

Castiel had thought about this a lot lately, if and when the time might be right to say- knew how he really felt about the teenager. But he had always held back, not wanting to overburden him. Now with the help of spiked eggnog he seemed to have found some Dutch courage. It actually seemed silly that he never said it. "I- I so badly want to tell you that I- I'm absolutely- how I'm in love with you but-"

The man didn't get to finish that sentence given that as soon as Dean heard those words he smashed his lips against Cas', swallowing the rest of whatever he was about to say. Dean whimpered needily. His whole body was thrumming and he felt dizzy with excitement. He pulled Cas in by the neck, deepening the kiss, the other hand grabbing his jumper and bunching it up in his fist.

Castiel pulled back once he ran out of air, breathing heavily. One of his hands came up, caressing Dean's face.

"Dean-" Cas gasped and leaned in again. A low whine escaped Dean at the renewed contact and he pressed up against the man's side as their tongues met and the kiss turned more ferocious.

"God," Castiel panted between kisses. "There's so much more I want to say to you- so much I wish I could- Dean, the things I wished we could do, want to do- it's so damn hard to do this right some days." Ever since that time Sammy had walked in on them making out, he had found it harder and harder to ignore his more carnal desires, to deny the way Dean had made him feel in that moment. On occasion, he allowed his mind to go places, imagine things, while trying his very best not to let it affect him, them, in everyday life. Apparently he was about to fail miserably.

Dean's breath hitched. This was the most forward and open he had ever experienced the older man, and damn, it was getting to him, on every level. He had been well aroused even before those words, but now it was like a near painful ache spreading through his body.

"Cas-" Dean moaned, frantically scrambling to climb onto the man's lap, needing to feel him. He met his mouth again, letting his tongue run and explore the outline of Cas' lips, feeling himself grow even harder at the little pants and gasps he managed to coax out of him.

"Just tell me, please." Dean all but begged, too far gone to spare the demarcation line they had so carefully drawn around anything sexual any thought.

"Fuck, Dean," Castiel growled in a low tone. Somewhere in that muddled brain of his he knew he really needed to shut up but he was woozy from sensational overload and was losing coherency fast. Dean was driving him crazy with that mouth of his, a pleading 'please' murmured against his lips.

Cas' chest was heaving and he felt light-headed.

"Please, tell me, what would you do to me?" Dean nibbled at Cas' ear lobe, wheedling another moan out of the man.

Castiel took in a labored breath, 'just words, they're just words' he tried to reason, with what little common sense he had left, and a surreal revelation that Dean had a right to know. "God- I would just kiss you for a long time, just like now, exploring every crevice of your mouth, sucking at that lip just so-" Cas demonstrated by pulling Dean's bottom lip in between his teeth, having Dean moan in ecstasy and involuntarily grind his hips down.

Castiel let out an arduous wheeze and closed his eyes, his hands roaming the expanse of Dean's back under the heavy jacket he still had on.

Dean grunted and briefly detached himself enough to shrug out of his jacket, letting it drop behind him before diving in again, already missing the man's body heat. "Next?" Dean whispered into his ear, before paying his ear-lobe some attention, which had the man moan and shudder. "Don't stop," he panted as he licked his way down Cas' throat.

Castiel complied, how could he not to a request like that. "Eventually, I'd spread you all out on my bed-" Dean's dick gave an excited twitch at the words and a broken off sob got stuck in his throat.

"I'd take my time taking off your shirt, pulling it up bit by bit, peppering each new sliver of skin with little kisses and nips." Dean's head fell against Cas' shoulder. He was losing it fast. How he wished that Cas would be touching him, just like that, right now.

Dean buried his hands in the man's hair, carding through it over and over, grabbing a handful and gently pulling on it, a silent encouragement to carry on.

"Once I rid you of your clothes, I'd explore your whole body with my mouth, my lips, my tongue, my hands, taking my time- finding all the little areas where you might be ticklish or sensitive." Cas stopped to take a well needed breath. Dean was too close and not close enough and he was going insane. He should shut up but the floodgates were opened, and Dean was on top of him, nibbling at the skin of his neck, intermittently rolling his hips, each and every movement sending a spike of extreme rapture through him.

"I'd- ugh- slowly kiss my way back down, to just your hipbone, teasing you until you beg me to go lower."

"CAS- oh god, please- _lower_." Dean gripped the man around the waist and started to experimentally grind in a rhythmic fashion, needing to feel the friction so bad, Cas' visuals were making him not so slowly lose his mind. Judging by the sound that escaped him, the other man rather enjoyed the motion.

"My hands would hold your hips still-," Castiel accompanied those words by grabbing Dean's waist, making him temporarily stop his movements, Dean whined and smashed his face into Cas' chest, panting words under his breath. "-Then I finally would go lower, flicking out my tongue to get that first taste. I'd start off by licking just your head, while keeping my eyes fixed on your face, taking in your reaction to the sensation."

Dean was reduced to a whimpering mess on top of Cas, helplessly gasping for breath, as his hands scrambled for purchase on Cas' clothes, fisting his jumper. Cas, to Dean's great joy, released his waist, allowing him to move again. The man's hands moved back up, stroking along his back and Dean felt the touch like burning coals, even through the fabric of his two shirts. He so desperately wanted that barrier of fabric to just disappear, to feel those hands on his bare skin.

Castiel still had his eyes closed and was primarily being guided by sound and touch, which added an hereto unknown thrill to what he was currently experiencing. He needed a moment to take in some air before continuing. His mind playing out exactly what he would be doing next.

"Cas, please- don't stop-" Dean whimpered, tongue sliding along the skin just behind Cas' ear.

Castiel could feel his breath go ragged. "I'd take you into my mouth, as far as I can, sucking hard on your erection while one of my hands teases your balls and moving the other one gently up your torso with feather-light touches, stopping at one of your nipples and tweaking the nub." Castiel's hips jerked up and he let out a breathy moan, which propelled Dean oh so close to the finish line.

"Cas, fuck, I'm-" he stopped mid-sentence, a filthy groan escaping him as Cas' hands moved lower and squeezed his butt-checks through his denim, urging his hips to keep moving.

"When I can feel you're- _oh_ \- close, I'd stop, and you would whine and beg me to continue, but I would move back up and catch you lips with mine while gently stroking you with my hand, getting you close again."

"Cas- oh my-" Dean was shaking now, increasing the speed of his thrusts against Cas' crotch, his face pressed into the man's shoulder. He could feel his orgasm approaching fast, balls tightening and spine tingling and he was too close to care that he would come in his pants, on Cas' lap, just by Cas taking dirty to him. The man's voice alone was enough to claim a spot in Dean's jerk off fantasies. He might have a problem.

"And just when you can't take anymore, I quickly make my way back down, sucking you back into my mouth moving up and down, bringing one of my hands around and under you, teasing between your cheeks at your entrance and-"

"CAAAS-" Dean bucked on final time and came, hard, flopping bonelessly against the man, as he rode out his orgasm with some gentle roll of his hips. He felt strong hands grip him tight, steadying him.

Dean came back to after a minute and felt so high on endorphins and post-orgasm haze that he didn't have a care in the world as his lips moved past Cas' neck and jaw to the man's lips, and he kissed him passionately while trying to suppress a happy giggle. He pressed himself against the man, wanting to be closer still, and felt Cas' straining erection poking into his hip.

"Oh-" He shuddered with renewed interest at the feeling. Cas hadn't come yet and the way he had gone still under him, Dean wondered whether he had any intention to actually do so.

"Cas-" Dean whispered, placing a gentle kiss on the man's lips, while seductively rocking his hips against Cas' hard cock. "Please, can I?"

It was an open statement as Dean didn't quite knew what exactly he was going to do but he wanted to have Cas experience the same blissful pleasure he had just felt. And he wanted it to be him to make Cas moan like that.

Castiel looked at him, panting, slightly unfocussed and pupils blown wide. He gave Dean a small nod before throwing his head back against the couch, hands resting on the teenager's ass.

Dean shuffled back just enough to be able to gaze down at the obvious tent in Cas' slacks and he wanted to touch so bad. His hand moved up, trembling, palm open as he placed it over the outline of Cas' erection, sucking in an elated breath at the feel of the hard flesh under his hand, just as Cas let out a growl and pushed up into it. Dean tentatively squeezed the shaft and only needed to rub his palm across its length a few times before he could feel a twitch and heard Cas groan out his name as he stilled for a second, holding his breath, before he suddenly exploded with a loud "Oh god."

Dean couldn't help but feel empowered by the way Cas reacted to his simple touch, and stroked the man through his orgasm as he placed a bruising kiss on his lips, swallowing the moans and pants. Cas kissed back almost possessively and Dean kissed back even harder.

"God, Cas-" he gasped, feeling giddy and like he could fly. This was by far the best experience of his whole goddamn entire life. He was pretty certain, that if they ever made it to actual skin on skin contact, he would die. Dean more felt than heard the answering chuckle vibrating through Cas' body, like the man was trying not to. Cas gave Dean's butt one last caress before slowly stroking back up, eventually resting his hands on his upper back, engulfing Dean and pulling him flush against him.

Cas' mouth found Dean's again, he just wanted to feel, not talk, not think about what had just happened, just needed more of Dean. The kiss was deep and languish, both worn out as the bliss of their orgasms slowly faded. They continued to kiss, intermixed with cuddles and nearly said words, which got lost in more kissing.

In time Castiel started to yawn and was not able to hide his tiredness any longer, limbs heavy from both mental and physical exertion as well as the after-effects of too much of that sweet drink. He tightened his arms around the boy, lowering them both down to the floor, which was a sizeable effort given Dean's latest growth spurt. He reached up and blindly grappled for some cushions and the fleece blanket, he normally used to curl up in front of the TV.

Dean hummed contentedly as he let himself be maneuvered into a comfortable position, head resting on Cas' chest, before the man covered them both with the blanket, holding him tight as they slowly drifted off to sleep.

#

Dean woke up in the middle of the night, really needing to pee. He looked around, disoriented for a moment until it all came back. Cas was snoring, one leg spread out wide from under the blanket and he had some not very appealing drool at the corner of his mouth. Yet to Dean he was the most beautiful thing he'd ever set eyes on. He would have almost doubted that last night actually happened if it hadn't been for the telltale feeling in his boxers that were sticking to his skin. God he hoped Cas wouldn't regret this when he woke up because Dean sure as hell couldn't. If anything, he was already hoping for more. The thought of whether he had taken advantage of Cas' state flashed through his mind but went just as quickly. Cas no doubt had been loosened up by the alcohol but he didn't appear too drunk to make his own decisions, and Dean, through painful experience, counted himself a good judge on that front. At any rate, he would no doubt find out in the morning.

He extracted himself and quietly padded up to the bathroom, giving himself a quick clean after a much needed pee and wondered whether he should head back home or spend the night. He desperately wanted to stay but the idea of John finding his bed empty and unused in the morning helped him made up his mind. With a sigh he went back down and chanced a last glance at the sleeping form on the floor. No doubt Cas would feel it in his back in the morning but Dean just didn't have it in him to wake the man. He looked so peaceful, and if need be Dean could always offer him a massage for any knotted muscles. He quickly headed home and thankfully, without waking anyone, sneaked upstairs and to his own bed.

#

Castiel woke up with a grunt, a pain in his neck and a distinct feeling that something was missing. He pried one of his eyes open and took in his surroundings, the movement making him realize two things. One that he was lying on the living room floor and two the sticky situation in his pants. He rolled onto his back with a sigh, staring at the ceiling. Dean must have left during the night, make sure he would wake up in his own bed so John wouldn't ask any questions. It made sense, that didn't stop the pang of disappointment at the empty space next to him.

Also, there should be panic, he should be freaking out after last night's events. But all he felt was a small amount of awkwardness and the knowledge that likely, this wouldn't have happened had he been sober, but even that fact was rapidly overridden by the pleasant memory of how good it had all felt. He even tried to conjure up the panic when it didn't want to come voluntarily, feeling like by right he should be alarmed, appalled or worse, but he couldn't stop from grinning as he continued to stare at the ceiling because- him and Dean.

A rational part of him should have known that this was where they inevitably, sooner rather than later, would be headed. But denial generally did not allow for such epiphanies. He had tried his hardest to ignore that side of him, the one that wanted to touch and needed to be touched in return. And did he wish he could have held back a little while longer, preferably until Dean was not a minor any more? That would be an emphatic yes. But the way Dean felt in his arms, the way he responded so eagerly had Castiel's stomach flutter even now and a jolt of electricity shooting all the way down to his cock.

Cas rubbed at his eyes which were dry and itchy and he could feel the onset of a headache from the aftermath of the alcohol. As long as he didn't move, it wasn't too bad though. So he decided to just stay here on the floor, staring at the ceiling, and to deal with these deep thoughts later.

The next time he woke, the pain in his neck had spread to his shoulder, damn, he should have at least moved to the couch, and there were green eyes looking down at him. A hand held out a glass of water while another offered up two painkillers.

Castiel groaned deep in his throat, this time not from pleasure, as he pulled up to a sitting position, taking the offering eagerly.

"Thank you," he rasped, voice not working properly and forcing him to clear his throat.

Dean sank down to the floor next to him, eyeing him with a nervous, bashful expression. He knocked their legs together, keeping them touching as he smiled at Cas. This whole 'morning after the night before' was completely new territory for him, and he had no idea whether people talked about it or just carried on. He was kind of looking to Cas for guidance but the man was barely conscious, clearly a night on the floor was not conducive to a restful night.

Castiel stared at the floor, while moving his neck, reveling in the crack as something slid back into place. They sat in silence, Cas grateful that Dean allowed him the time to gather his thoughts. God, he could do with a decent cup of coffee, and more importantly, a shower and some clean clothes. He felt filthy and that did not help his overall emotional state.

He turned, giving Dean a small smile.

"I really need a shower." Dean gave him that knowing look and Castiel had to turn away as he could feel himself blush. Damn, he was a grown man for goodness sake.

"Tell you what- you go and clean up and I get some breakfast going. You look like you could do with some greasy goodness."

"That sounds acceptable." Cas stated matter of factly in his Cas-like way that Dean had come to love so much. And there was a thought- He had been itching to ask ever since he had woken up this morning, but didn't know how to. It could wait.

Dean chuckled and got up, holding out his hand for the man to take. Once he was up and standing Dean kissed his cheek before pushing him in the direction of the stairs.

The hot stream of water felt like heaven as it pelted against Castiel's skin. He stayed under the stream until the water started to get lukewarm, his mind drifting back to last night. He still couldn't muster any regret for it although in the cold light of day he knew that he should try not to let things go that far again. Then again, was there any point going back now? Denying himself and by approximation Dean something they both clearly enjoyed. All other issues aside, it came down to whether he trusted Dean to know what he wanted out of this relationship.

Castiel felt peculiar, stripped bare and emotionally drained. Yet, he still felt like himself. He had always feared this might turn him into someone else, something else he would not recognize- or even like. But he was just Castiel, with a PhD, a fucked up family and in love with Dean, against all conceivable odds. In a weird way it was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. There were no' ifs' and 'buts' left after last night. If they got found out, he would go down. There was no more hiding behind half truth and morals. He had been - still was -  a willing participant in a full blown relationship- with a minor. And as long as Dean wanted him, he would be there. They just would have to stick to being secretive about it until the right time and the rest they would have to make up as they went.

He exited the shower to the sweet smell of bacon and coffee drifting up from the kitchen and his stomach made itself known with a loud rumble. He quickly got dressed into some sweat-pants and a shirt, over which he put on his favorite grey cardigan and headed downstairs where Dean was waiting for him at the table with a mug of coffee an plate full of food.

"Thank you, this is just what I need." Castiel sat down, first grabbing the mug and taking a big swig of the coffee.

They made some meaningless small talk about the party and their Christmas plans, avidly avoiding the elephant in the room. Eventually they fell silent, Dean clearing the table to Cas' protests of "I should be doing this, you cooked," and told the man to just finish his coffee.

Dean was hovering at the sink, that earlier question burning on his tongue again. He just really needed to know before this feeling inside of him became too much only to come crushing down on him.

"Cas- you know-" He started without turning around. Castiel stilled. He knew this was coming sooner or later, still he was nervous.

"The thing- did you mean what you said last night?" Dean found the courage to turn around, meeting Cas' eyes who were fixed on him.

Cas chuckled nervously. "I said a lot of things last night." And he could feel himself start to blush again. He actually had no idea he was capable of such colorful language, of talking like that, and he'd rather not address it directly.

At least, to his satisfaction, Dean flushed just as red, eyes briefly lowered to the ground before meeting his again.

"Believe me, I know- I was there." He chortled. "But I mean- did you mean, you know- when you said that you - loved me?" Dean tripped over the words, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.

Castiel's heart rate sped up. He kept his eyes fixed on Dean, looking at him earnestly. "Yes." And the way that one word was set left no room for doubt in Dean's mind that it was the truth. He closed the short distance from the sink to where Cas was sat and leaned down, wrapping his arms around the man.

"Good, 'cause I kind of am completely gone on you too." He whispered, hiding his face to cover his red cheeks, cursing his stupid complexion.

Castiel pulled Dean across his lap hugging him tight, enjoying this quiet moment between them while those words bounced around in his head, making him feel giddy as though he was a goddamn teenager. No doubt Sammy would turn up at one point, as John had the weekend shift, demanding they all go out and do something. And as they generally did, they would cave and later Dean would cook while Castiel read or brooded over lesson plans or answered some of Sammy's millions of questions about seemingly random stuff, before eventually the brothers would have to go home.

They had two days before John would take the boys down to Bobby's for Christmas and Castiel would head over to Amelia's for Christmas Day, before flying down to Oklahoma to spent New Years with Gabriel. But just for now, on this lazy Sunday morning it was just the two of them, They had nowhere particularly to be nothing else to do than soak up each others presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medium sized author note coming up:  
> For one, I hope you enjoyed that :) And I don't know if some of you might be a bit disappointed that their first actual sexual encounter happened under these kinds of circumstances (although I hope not), but above all, I always try to keep this story as realistic as possible (well, as I imagine it in my mind at least), and there was just no way, in this story, that this would be an all romantic and gentle event. The way I Imagine Castiel's head space right now, he would only ever give into the sexual part of his feelings for Dean while not being in full control. Being slightly drunk, combined with the constant low build up of his general frustration at their situation, definitely seemed the way to get him over that mental hurdle, and have him break so to speak. After all, that is what happens in real life all too often. That said, this is not intended to take away from the very real feelings these two have, and the fact that they both did, in fact, enjoy it, which I hope I managed to get across. And the "I love you" was definitely heart felt and the truth, and I, for one, am glad it's out there!


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had hoped to have this up last week, but ya know- Christmas. Also, this was really hard to write, trying to get inside about seven different head spaces did drive me mad at times, but I finally am happy with the overall feel of this chapter and most of all hope I still manage to keep this all believable.
> 
> A fair warning to all my lovely readers with weak hearts (so you can brace yourselves): this is where shit hits the fan. I just hope you manage to get through it and stick it out with me till the end. Hugs.

"Dean, no- stop!" Sammy squealed, trying to wriggle out of the headlock his big brother had him in, burying his face against his shoulder to avoid yet another load of snow getting shoveled in his face. Without looking back he lumped the white ball in his gloved hand over his shoulder knowing it hit its target when Dean let out a yelp, followed by a laugh. "You're gonna pay for that!" the older Winchester chuckled as he lost his grip on his little brother. Sam hooted as he scampered away on the slippery ground. "Gotta catch me first", he teased, Dean in hot pursuit.

Snow had started to fall Christmas Day and it had not let up since, having quickly transformed the world around Bobby and Jody's property into a winter wonderland. The power already cut out twice and the brothers, for a distinct lack of anything better to do, made the most of it, building increasingly ridiculous snowmen and testing their agility during numerous snowball fights. But there was only so much cold Dean was willing take in one go and even as he pelted another snowball at Sam's face, he could feel his trousers clinging to his skin, the damp cold making him shiver. His nose was cold and runny and his fingers had gone numb some time ago.

"Come on, squirt, time to get back inside, before I have to worry about my jewels." Dean pulled off Sam's beanie and ruffled through the boy's hair, lumping some snow on top of the hairy mess. Sam protested and snorted as he spat out some snow that had found its way into his mouth during Dean's final attack, mumbling something about paying Dean back next time under his breath.

"SHOES OFF!" Jody yelled from where the adults were huddled around the fireplace in the living room before the brothers were even halfway through the front door. Apparently she was still mad at Sam for having stomped through the house in full attire, shoes and all, yesterday, having left a wet trail of melting snow and dirt in his wake.

Once in their room, Dean peeled out of his jeans and jumper and headed for the bathroom, covering his lower half with a towel, he had left discarded on the floor this morning. After a glorious hot shower and a fresh set of clothes, he took in the state of their room, not really able to avoid the issue any longer. He went to pick up the various garments that were strewn across a multitude of surfaces, deciding that now might be a good a time as any to wash them. He was already out of underwear and socks, not having accounted for multiple changes every day thanks to their snow antics, and his brother couldn't be faring much better. He struggled down the stairs with his arms full and loaded the machine, not being able to keep a grin off his face; a sudden giddiness spreading through his body like it had a tendency to do lately whenever his thoughts inevitably would wander to Cas. His inability to do so, at times, elicited curious, amused glances from the people around him but he just couldn't help it. It was like an electric current zinged through him at the sheer thought of his friend, making his body do silly things he apparently had no control over. It had been five days since they parted and he missed the man like crazy.

That wasn't to say that he didn't have a good time. All in all, it was great out here, as much as that surprised him, given their previous Christmas experiences. Bobby and Jody were doing their part of making this a special occasion, spoiling them with food, and their dad strictly sticking to sodas and coffee made for a generally relaxed atmosphere. Now if only Cas was here it would be pretty much near perfect, well in the world of a Winchesters at least. Phone calls and texts just didn't quite compensate for the real thing, especially now that Dean had had a very real glimpse of said real thing. It kind of sucked that just as their relationship had evolved, they had to separate for the best part of two weeks. There had been no further opportunities to test these new waters after that evening a week ago, and Dean spent a fair amount of his time here imagining the awesome things they might get around to experience in the not too distant future, and five more days, at times, seemed just like too damn long. But absence made the heart grow fonder or some shit, which was very true if his increasing yearning for the man and random stupid grinning faces was an indicator.

Sammy had just come back from his shower and was frantically looking through his duffel for an undershirt when Dean sauntered back into their room, that grin still plastered on his face, accompanied by an excited fluttering unfurling low in his belly at the memories of Castiel's touch, resulting in a sudden urge to get in contact with him. They had been keeping up a constant stream of texts during this morning, just a general back and forth, intermixed with a few more personal messages but now Dean hankered to hear his voice.

"Hey, you seen my cell?" Dean was sure he'd left it in here earlier when they got changed to go outside. He definitely didn't bring it and now that his mind was firmly focused on Cas, he was dying to see if the man had replied to his latest text.

"What, can't even spent an hour without hearing from your _boyfriend_? You two are so gross!" Sam teased which earned him a pillow to the head, just on principle, because Dean had to keep face and his brother needed to know who was boss. But really, he actually quite enjoyed the easy banter he and Sammy had fallen into with regards to his relationship with their friend, not that he would have the little menace know though.

"Shut up! And just so you know it's been at least three hours." Dean pouted, rummaging through his duffel and when that proved unsuccessful, attacking his bed.

"What do you always say about Uncle Bobby with regards to Jody? 'Whipped' ring a bell?" Sam chuckled as Dean scowled at him again.

"Whatever." Dean eventually snapped back, although not maliciously, when he couldn't think of a good comeback. "I'm hungry. I bet there is still some of that leftover turkey in the fridge. Sandwich?" He not so subtly changed the subject, but food was always a good distraction, no way was he going to blush in front of his brother. He would just call Cas while his brother was busy with the sandwich.

"Yep. Just gimme a minute." Sammy mumbled from under a half pulled on jumper.

"Can't guarantee there'll be any left." Dean grinned and bounded down the stairs, two steps at a time and straight into the kitchen, where he came to a screeching halt in front of the kitchen table where Jody, Bobby and John were in deep conversation. At his lively entrance, three pairs of eyes shot up, fixing him with an unreadable expression, and Dean instinctively curled in on himself, mentally going through any possible actions or scenarios that might have gotten him into trouble and drawing a blank.

"What's up?" He huffed casually, trying to ignore the tension as he walked over to the fridge.

"Dean. Could you sit down for a minute. We need to talk." Jody addressed him in an unusual, formal way, somewhat sounding off to Dean's ears.

"'Bout what?" Dean mumbled from where his head was buried in the fridge, looking for that leftover turkey.

"Dean." His father's strained voice had him pull his head out and stand to attention, an intrinsic reaction, arms held behind his back.

"I didn't do nothing." He said pre-emptively, eyes roaming between the adults, before his eyes fell on the object his dad was clutching in his hand, and a cold shiver of trepidation worked its way down his spine. Now he remembered- he left his cell on the kitchen table when he had grabbed a drink just before heading out with Sam.

"Hey, I was looking for that. What you're-"

As it was evident that Dean had no intention of joining them at the table, Bobby cleared his throat, interrupting Dean.

"Certain things have come to light and we-"

"What things?" Dean cut his surrogate uncle off mid-sentence, something he would not normally do, but he had a real bad feeling all of a sudden. He bit his tongue as he tried to calm down, tried to keep up appearances.

"I didn't want to pry but your phone went off just as I came in here to get some water and I just picked it up-" Jody looked at him full of sympathy and some weird kind of anguish that had Dean's stomach tie itself in knots. "And what I saw had me concerned." she added, "especially when I saw who it was from. I'm sorry but I had to inform your father about this."

Dean shrugged his shoulders, going for denial despite his heart hammering out a frantic beat. "No idea what you're talking about."

John cleared his throat and swiped across the screen, making it light up. " _Shame you are not here. I could think of a few ways to warm you up,_ all _of you *winkey face*_." John emphasized the last words, before putting the cell down, staring at Dean in a way that had the teenager swallow audibly. The words unmistakably were Cas' reply to his earlier teasing of the man, bemoaning the fact that he wouldn't have anyone to keep his cold body warm after he would be done with Sammy.

"Oh _that_!" Dean laughed, trying to hide the nerves with a dismissive wave of his hand. "We were just messing about."

"Messing about with a _grown_ man about what?" John snapped.

"You know, snowball fights and stuff. Told him about me and Sammy heading out and that we're gonna end up cold. No biggy."

"Dean, we're just a bit alarmed, especially when considering the other messages and-" Jody tried to keep her voice level and calm, something that almost came natural to her after years in her job. She was well aware how a small spark could ignite a whole room when tension was already high, and Dean was wound tight from what she could tell, which did not help alleviate her worries.

"How do you- You’ve gone through my phone?" Dean stared at them in disbelief, realization dawning that they must have read more than just the one message. He could kick himself now for not having put a lock on his cell, he'd just been too lazy to always punch in a code and dammit, his own family should respect his boundaries. "This is a breach of my privacy, Gimme that!" Dean demanded, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. As a rule he always deleted any conversations he had with Cas, generally being quite diligent. However, the ones from this morning were still there, he was getting round to deleting them, and he had a few snapshots of the man in his gallery. He mentally went through anything that could be incriminating, but apart from some teasing there really was nothing that- oh shit! Dean gulped. There was this one text, the one Cas sent two evenings ago when Dean had been not so subtly flirting with him. Those three words that Dean just couldn't get himself to delete, choosing instead to keep them and stare at them over and over at any given opportunity, trying to remember what Cas sounded like as he spoke them to him not even a week ago, and which now could indict them. How could he have been so stupid?

"No, I will hold on to this until we know exactly what's going on." John insisted.

"Just give me my damn cell." Dean yelled, stomach constricting painfully, when John didn't make any indication to hand it over.

"Dean, please. We're just trying to help you. We need you to tell us the truth and, of course we know this might not be easy-" Jody's calm and level voice cut through the staring match Dean and his father had engaged in.

"What truth?" Dean threw up his hands in the air, exasperated. "The truth is Cas is my friend, that's all."

"Dean, if he's putting pressure on you, told you to keep quiet about whatever it is that is going on, you know you're safe here-"

"Are you out of your fucking minds?" Dean couldn't keep calm any longer at the not so hidden accusation, full blown panic exploding through his chest, making breathing difficult. How the hell was he getting Cas out of this unscathed? Stupid; he was so, so stupid. Cas had taken this great risk to be with him and he couldn't even delete a fucking text, despite all his promises and assurances. Just as he was desperately fishing for something more to say, Sammy bolted down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Hey, jerk. You better have left me some- _oh_." He stopped abruptly, taking in the tense atmosphere, the varying looks on the faces of the adults present, ranging from concern to indignation. He instinctively took a step closer to his brother, his shoulder brushing against Dean's arm. Dean, who looked like he was about to be sick.

"Sam, please go upstairs for a few minutes." Bobby addressed him, just as he opened his mouth. "What's going on?" The younger brother demanded to know.

"Samuel, to your room!" This time it was John speaking, more demanding and less kind than Bobby had been a second ago. But Sammy stood his ground next to his brother, chancing a quick glance at him, studying his face for any silent prompt or guidance. No guidance came, but Sammy could tell how tense his brother was, his jaw clutched tight, a muscle twitching under the strain. No way would he leave now. Memories of the last time these two had butted heads were still too fresh in his mind. "No, you got something to say to Dean, you say it to me." Dean nudged him with his arm in silent thanks as his eyes stayed trained on John.

"I want my cell." Dean stubbornly insisted, and they didn't call Sammy smart for no reason as it took him about two seconds to work out the most likely scenario of what caused this stand-off. His dad must have gotten hold of Dean's cell and likely his brother had not deleted all his lovely-dovey conversations he had with Cas and- shit, this could get ugly for their friend, and for Dean. He shot a concerned look at his older brother, eyes wide, something which didn't go unnoticed.

"Sam, are you _privy_ to this?" Jody enquired, sounding slightly shocked, despite keeping her voice level. She left the question hanging open, interpreting the younger brother's body language and the way he stood molded against Dean's side as silent confirmation.

"Did he ever- do anything you didn't want him to do, Sam, Dean?" The woman prodded oh so gently when both boys remained silent.

"I swear, if that motherfucker as much as laid a hand on Sammy, I'll-" John barked, being shushed by Bobby and Jody as Sam gaped at them wide eyed, not believing what he just heard. Where they implying that Cas-?

"What? Castiel would never do anything like that, he's-" The younger brother burst out in shock.

"Sam, give me your cell." John demanded.

"No." Sam yelled, trying to mask his nerves with volume.

"Sam, your cell!" The younger Winchester flinched at the tone of voice, and his resolve wavered.

"Fine, not like there is anything on there." He made a point as he dug his cell out of his jeans pocket. He had no idea what his dad was hoping to find but whatever it was, Sam was certain he would be disappointed.

John grumbled under his breath after a quick browse through Sam's phone brought up nothing but some conversations over homework and plans to go to the cinema. Still, he knew his boys were hiding something, and it could not be good. They were shifty and clearly anxious and avoided meeting any of the adults eyes directly as they presented an eerily united front.

"What is the hold this man has over you?" He heaved a desperate sigh. "Did he buy your affection with gifts? This thing, I definitely didn't buy it for you- and your coat, Sam."

"Yes," Sam snapped. "He bought me that coat, _and_ some clothes last winter when you were too frigging drunk to even care whether I had anything left to wear." Unlike Dean, Sam never had much problems addressing his dad's drinking problems, not really remembering the time of 'before' and even now not really believing his old man's dry spell was going to last.

"Sammy." His dad scolded, sitting up straighter in his chair.

"It's the truth. He was there when you weren't. He's just a nice guy and wouldn't need to buy our affection. He cares for us and he's a great friend and he never would have, _ugh_." The younger brother threw his hands up in frustration, feeling three sets of eyes resting on him, studying him closely.

"So he's just grooming Dean then." John brought everybody's attention back to his older son. "How long's this been this going on?"

"He _what_?" Dean's voice went up by about an octave. "He never-"

"Dean, this-" John waved the cell in his son's face. "Doesn't exactly leave much room for interpretation."

"Well yeah, _your_ interpretation-."

"So you think it's totally normal for a grown man to tell some sixteen year old that he loves him? It's sick is what it is! There are laws against people like that for a reason." John slammed his fist on the table in frustration.

"I-" Dean stumbled over his words, looking for some retort but his mind was reeling, mouth opening and closing again.

"So you're not denying it?" John prodded, taking the silence as confirmation.

"Because there's nothing to deny, people say shit like that all the time without it meaning anything." Dean said all too defensively even to his own ears. All he got for his feeble attempt at an explanation was some unbelieving huffs.

"Dean, you have to try and see this from our point of view, we're just tryin' to look out for ya." Bobby's deep gruff voice cut through his haze, but Dean was past being reasonable, he just needed this to go away. "And what a stellar job you're all doing." He laced a fair amount of sarcasm into his voice. "Going through my messages behind my back, you had not right-"

"Yes I have every right, I'm your father and you're a minor and therefore I am responsible for you."

"Oh how convenient that you remember this _NOW_." Dean snapped back.

John glared at him but at least had the decency to look slightly chastised at Dean's clipped words. "Yes, I know- I've been a shitty dad, you don't need to remind me. But I'm here now and I'm just trying to do better and to not let you down again."

"By doing what? Turning Cas into some kind of monster in your head, that goes after little boys and buys their affection? That's so twisted." Dean shook with rage.

Sammy, who had mostly turned into a silent bystander, placed a hand on the small of his brother's back, somewhat grounding him and Dean was grateful for his silent support.

John pushed up from the table, chair falling backwards at the force. Bobby jumped up too, preparing for any possible fallout.

"Twisted? I'm the one that's twisted? I'm not some faggot pervert who lusts after boys and wheedles their way into their lives just so they can act upon their sick fantasies- these gays are all-"

And that right there broke the camel's back, even as Jody and Bobby tried to intervene with calming words, Dean snapped like a rubber band, not caring for the consequences. "Newsflash for you dad- in case you forgot. I'm one of those GAYS you're talking about. Yes, your son's a flaming queer, likes taking it up the ass- and I didn't need some 'twisted' homosexual to talk me into this, I figured it out _all_ by myself. I like cock, what you're gonna do about it?" Dean was nose to nose with his old man and shaking with rage, not even registering all the words that had tumbled out of his mouth. The sting of the hand connecting with the side of his face was almost like a welcome distraction, bringing him back down.

"John, Dean, STOP!" Bobby and Jody yelled at the same time. Bobby pulled John aside. "Dean's not the bad guy here."

"Neither is Cas!" Dean protested from halfway across the kitchen, where Jody was holding him back. He had to bite his cheek to stop himself from blurting out that if anything, it was all his doing. He was the one who had chipped away at Cas for the best part of two years. If they wanted to blame someone, it should be him, but he doubted they would believe him. They all appeared to have made up their minds already.

"You're not old enough to decide that. You're still a kid."

Dean's sneered, not able to hide the disdain in his voice. "No, just old enough to be in charge of Sammy while you were out getting drunk, but clearly not old enough to trust my judge of character!"

"Clearly not, if you let that man take advantage of you-"

"He wasn't the one who took advantage of me-" Dean growled, eyes resting on his father with an unspoken challenge. He had no idea where his sudden spell of courage hailed from. Clearly, his survival instinct had taken a break, talking back to his old man like that wouldn't get him anything but trouble. Dean just didn't care.

"Calm down, everyone. Nothing's gonna get solved while tempers are soarin', let's all take some time out and then we can talk 'bout this." Bobby's stern voice effectively shut everyone else up.

"There's nothing TO talk about, we're just friends! Can I have my phone now?" Dean tried to make another grab for it. He needed to call Cas, warn him, hear his voice- just something to make this nightmare go away, a warm low voice telling him things would be alright.

"No, this remains confiscated until further notice."

"WHAT? You can't do that. It's mine! You're-"

"You are a minor and if I think it's in your best interest, I have every right. Neither of you is to contact Castiel- by phone or otherwise, until we shed some light on the situation."

"Make me." A new wave of panic and nausea coiled through Dean. Surely they could not keep him from at least talking to his friend.

"If you do, I will not hesitate to forward this information to Child Protection, I'm sure they would find this very interesting." John's words were hard and final and Dean flinched.

"But _nothing_ happened!" It was a last ditch attempt. His voice was shaky and desperate. "He didn't bad touch me or force me to do stuff. My cherry is still firmly in place and I will tell anyone as much, you have nothing! This is just a witch hunt, you always hated Cas."

Sam took a step closer to Dean, pulling himself up tall and squaring his shoulders. "And I will corroborate this, Castiel has never done anything wrong, he's a good guy, just leave him alone."

John stared in utter disbelief at the open defiance, jaw clenching and unclenching as he fixed his sons with a glare. "Even if you deny this, You know what it's like, something is bound to stick- and in a profession like his, that can't be good."

"You're blackmailing me?"

"I'm doing this for your own good. You might not understand this now, but you will when you're older and have your own kids."

"Jody, Bobby!" Dean pleaded urgently at the other two adults in the room.

"I'm afraid it's your old man's call Dean, and 'til we know all the fact I'm inclined to agree with him." Bobby replied and Jody nodded her agreement. And Dean hated them in that moment, all of them. He knew he needed to get out of here or he would hurt someone, not even caring who it was, and that thought scared him shitless and spurred him into moving.

"Fuck you, all of you!" Dean yelled, before storming up the stairs, Sammy following on his heels without sparing the adults another thought.

Dean couldn't breathe, he was so furious, working himself up even more as emotions and thoughts were coursing unchecked through his system. They had pushed him metaphorically and physically into a corner and he never felt more helpless in his life.

Dean punched the doorframe, twice, as he passed through it, welcoming the pain, then threw himself on his bed, only now allowing the tears to come, big sobs and gulps of air, making his body shudder. This could not be happening. As soon as they got back home he would find a way to talk to Cas and they would come up with a way to fix this, even if that meant going back to just being friends for the time being. No way would Cas have to bear the brunt of his carelessness with regards to those texts or his father’s callousness. He would deny anything more than them spending time together as friends until he'd be blue in the face.

Sammy stood in the doorway and stared at his brother, feeling for him so badly. He had no idea how Dean really felt or how this would affect him, or Cas. Most likely he did not get all the implications of the situation they found themselves in. But in the end, they made each other happy and shouldn't that be enough? Not like Dean was a helpless kid or anything. Maybe it was a 'because Cas was a guy' thing that had the adults so worked up. He felt righteous indignation on his brother's behalf. Finally there was someone who cared for Dean, looked out for him, for both of them, and Cas did not deserve his dad's fury, but his gratitude for taking care of his boys. And at the heart of it, Sam didn't want to lose what they had back in Chicago. Cas and Amelia had been a welcome constant in his life and despite his initial fear, Dean's relationship with their friend had not changed that.

A frustrated sob drew his attention back to his brother. Dean definitely never had been the overly emotional type, always hiding behind a snide remark or joke, so for him to be openly crying- Sam swallowed around a lump in his throat. Remembering how his big brother used to comfort him after a nightmare or a bad day, he climbed onto the bed and let his smaller frame surround his brother, sobs still wrecking his body. He engulfed Dean with his lanky arms, and Dean only put up a small protest of trying to shove him away before he just sank into it, while he cried. Sammy waited patiently until eventually his brother was all cried out and drifted off to sleep.

#

"Go away!" Dean yelled at the person who knocked at the door. It was the third time someone tried to get their attention but he refused to come out, for dinner or otherwise, and by proxy that meant Sammy, who was sat next to him on his bed, playing on his Nintendo, refusing to leave his brother's side. And Dean really loved him for his quiet but heartfelt loyalty right now.

"Dean, please, just come and eat something." Jody pleaded from the other side of the door.

"Not hungry." The teenager grumbled. He still felt sick, eyes puffy and itchy and food was the last thing on his mind right now.

"In that case, can I come in for a minute?" She asked after a moment of hovering at the door, voice calm and kind.

"What if I say no?"

"Not going to force you, but just- one minute, I promise."

Dean remained quiet and Jody took this as agreement. She opened the door slowly and walked in, sitting down on the bed next to Dean.

They shared an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, only interrupted by the beeps and jingles from Sammy's game. Dean found an interesting patch of dirt on the floor to focus on.

"You know, I really just want to do right by you." Jody broke the silence, gazing at Dean with motherly concern. Despite not looking at her, Dean could feel it, radiating off of her, and it was nearly enough for him to break and just go in for a hug, but the anger of earlier was still too fresh. If she had never picked up his cell, none of this would be happening.

Dean huffed. "Then make my dad give me back my cell." Stubbornness was a Winchester trade after all.

"That might not be a good idea while we're trying to figure out the situation." The woman replied calmly.

Dean rolled his eyes in frustration. Of course they would all have a united front against him, even Jody.

"I know you won't believe me, but your father is concerned, we all are. He might not be handling this very well, but it is not an everyday situation. But I'm on your side, Dean, really."

"Then believe me that nothing bad happened. Cas did not abuse me, or rape me or whatever stuff you're imagining. He's a friend and he has always been there for me."

Jody nodded her head. Dean couldn't help the small speck of gratitude that she at least listened. "But even you must admit that it doesn't quite come across like that, things don't quite add up in what you're telling us. And as much as I'm inclined to believe you, _want_ to believe you, you might not be an objective observer. You know there are many ways of -" Jody paused, clearly looking for the right words. "Let's say- inappropriate treatment. Not all of them have to be physical. You are a capable young man but you are also in a quite vulnerable position with everything that has happened in your past. I don't know Castiel well enough to just rule anything out as a possibility. Mentally taking advantage of someone could be-"

"Stop, just stop!" Dean yelled, feeling his hackles rise again. "You just don't' get it, don't' want to get it. Cas is not like that, at all. He's great- and you said anyone who makes me happy is ok with you." Dean clamped his mouth shut, realizing in horror what just slipped out.

Jody stared at him, mouth opening and closing a few times as she processes this information.

"That was- all this time? That was _him_?" She asked not at all sure how to react to the way her own words were being flung back in her face, remembering the joyful looks on the teenagers face all over the summer, her gentle teasing and his answering blush. But she didn't know- and that was not what she meant, only it kind of had been. But things were different now that she knew who it was, she couldn't just ignore the facts. Back then Dean had just turned sixteen, which made any interaction between these two that happened previous illegal in this state, let alone in Illinois where the age of consent was even higher. Dean could not expect her to just ignore the law.

Dean met her question with silence, staring at his toes.

"Dammit, Dean!" Jody's frustrated and slightly raised voice startled the brothers. Sammy looking up at her from his game. "Just talk to me, son. 'M worried about you. In my job, you hear stuff- see stuff, ugly stuff- and I want to help you but I can't if you don't talk to me, don't tell me whether he, you-."

"You want to help me, get my dad of Cas' back. If you believe nothing else, believe me that Cas didn't do nothing wrong." Dean snapped before turning and crossing his arms. Jody read the body language for what it was.

"Ok, I will stop now. Just, if you need to talk, I'm here. I'll try to keep an open mind, I promise." She ruffled the teenager's hair before leaving the room, silently sighing to herself, mulling over this new bit of information, hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe this relationship was really only on the platonic side, but she'd seen too much in her line of work, heard too much from her friends to hold out much hope. But above all, Dean would need time in order to open up, and John needed to calm down, the two of them butting heads would not help anyone.

Speaking of John, neither her nor Bobby had seen him since a tense and silent dinner. He had all but vanished and any Christmas spirit that might have lingered in the house had well and truly been put to death. While Jody went to check on the boys, Bobby took it on himself to go and look for their old man. He'd had enough time to stew. When he found him, Bobby's blood curdled in anger as he stormed into the study, where John was perched over the table, a glass of telltale amber liquid in his hand.

"Put the fucking glass down." He barked. John's head shot up and met Bobby's angry stare. "You don't want to do this, believe me. This is not going to solve anything."

John glared at his old friend but after a moment put the glass down. "You stupid sonofabitch", Bobby did not even try to hide his frustration. "Your boys need you and all you can think about is hitting the bottle!" The older man swiftly grabbed the glass along with the bottle, emptying their contents into the kitchen sink and cursing himself for not having gotten rid of his secret stash. Not like any of them should be drinking.

He returned with two mugs of steaming coffee. "Here, this will be better at clearing your head."

John grumbled but accepted the offering, sipping at it absentmindedly, while he works through his thoughts.

"You know, I blame you for this." John eventually said, not meeting the other man's eyes. "I knew something was off about that guy, but you had to insist that-"

"Stop right there." Bobby cut his friend off. "IF it turns that he did something to them boys- hell, I'll kick myself for being so trusting and if you want to throw a punch, I won't stop you. But, he always struck me as trustworthy and we still don't know the whole story and until then-"

"What the hell more is there to know? You're still trying to make excuses for this motherfucker? I should have kicked his ass when I had the chance- and now- what has he done to my son? I don't even know that kid anymore. Sure as hell wasn't 'gay' before he met this pervert."

Jody chose that moment to walk in, mind still reeling from her talk with Dean. "John, to put it frank," she cut in as she pulled up a chair. "You haven't known your boys for a long time. You've been too obsessed with your own grief and anger to realize that they were hurting too. Hell, I blame myself, and I know Bobby blames himself too, for not having picked up how bad things had gotten. You have put them through hell, and I am glad you finally came out the other side, I really am. But, sexuality aside which, you know, you might just have to face the fact that Dean has a preference for the same sex- no don't look at me like that." She scolded the man in her no-nonsense voice. "But as I said, that aside, it's not a surprise they went looking for affection in other places. Now the question is what kind of affection this is. And if you can calm down enough to look at the bigger picture, we need to think about how to do right by these boys, not jump the gun."

"But someone like that should not get away with-"

"No they should not, and if he has done something illegal, he will not. But for now you need to think about your sons. Dean is upstairs and is upset, whether we believe his version of events or not doesn't matter. He believes that we wronged him and clearly they will not volunteer any more information. They both seem to care about Castiel, whether those feelings are misplaced or not, and if you push them away now, it will just make everything worse. This needs to be handled delicately. People train for years to be able to deal with cases like this."

"So what, pretend nothing happened? I can't fucking do that."

"You might just have to swallow your pride, this is not about you right now!" Bobby urged.

John stayed in that study a long time after the Singer-Mills went to bed. The remainder of his coffee had long since gone cold but he still intermittently took a sip as he toyed with Dean's cell in his hand. Part of him knew Bobby and Jody were right but part of him needed to do something before he would explode or head out and find the nearest bar, snow or no snow. He hadn't felt this strong a pull for a drink in a long time and on top of everything else it scared him, taking his focus away from the situation in front of him.

John read over those few texts again, and felt physically sick. 'Love', this man dared say he was in love with Dean, with a fucking kid! How was that not wrong? A renewed surge of anger had him hit the dial button before he could stop himself.  

#

Castiel shifted, trying to make himself more comfortable on the couch next to his brother, who had a blissful expression on his face. He no doubt was in a sugar induced coma from the copious amounts of Christmas desserts he had eaten over these last days. Castiel himself hadn't really moved at all in the last half an hour either, a lazy nothingness spreading through his body, making it heavy and sleepy, when his phone buzzed. His face split into a grin when he saw he caller ID. He'd been wondering why Dean hadn't texted or called for most of the day, as it was in stark contrast to their generally quite frequent communication they had established. He got up, giving his brother an apologetic smile, who returned it with a raised eyebrow. Thankfully, Gabriel hadn't asked who he had been so engaged with over these last few days, which in itself made Castiel wonder whether his brother actually knew and chose to ignore the issue, because it was unlike him to pass up an opportunity for a good ribbing. Halfway out of the room he accepted the call.

"Hey. I was about to send out a search party for you." He teased fondly, having missed talking to Dean.

"Now listen here you sonofabitch-"

Castiel's face fell, hands started to shake and a cold dread of foreboding took hold in his gut, which suddenly churned frantically.

"John?" Gabriel's head shot up, having picked up on the way Castiel's voice broke off there at the end of that name.

"Don't talk, just listen. It's over. I know what you did to Dean, _with_ Dean, how you wormed your way into the lives of my sons -. I always knew I couldn't trust you and I don't know how you mind-whammied my boys into submission that they won't admit the ugly truth BUT- no more, you hear me! I don't know what I'm going to do about this yet, but if you ever, ever get within a mile of either of them again, I will not hesitate to take you out. Are we clear?" He did not wait for an answer but just disconnected the call.

Castiel swayed, the world around him moved out of focus. He wanted to interrupt, to say something but before he got the chance the line went dead.

"Oh god." He lost the grip on his cell, and it fell to the floor with a thud.

"Castiel?" Somehow Gabriel was there, arm around his waist and guiding him over to the couch where he made him sit down.

"What was that all about? You are as white as a sheet." He sat down next to his brother, eyes boring into the side of his head.

"It's- I- oh god." Castiel stuttered, not able to make sense of the various trains of thoughts that currently were running rampage his head. He folded in on himself, burying his face in his hands.

"Castiel, maybe now would be a good time to tell me exactly what's been going on with you lately. I might pretend at times, but I'm not actually stupid."

"You wouldn't understand." Castiel mumbled into the palm of his hands.

"Try me." Gabriel said, almost like a challenge.

"It's, oh god, I don't know what to do!"

Gabriel sighed sympathetically. His brother might think he had been sly and good at hiding his emotions, but during his last visit, his feelings for a certain boy had been written all over his face whenever as much as his name came up. "I can't tell you that until I know all the facts. Look, I am chancing a guess that this has to do with Dean." Castiel eyes grew large, his brother's words confirmation of his earlier suspicions.

"I might have sounded like I was joking when I warned you about him but, you know that's just how I talk, try and turn everything into a joke but, damn- If I'm honest, I knew something was there, maybe I should have been more forward." Gabriel worked his hands through is sandy hair, considering his next words. "I don't know what you were thinking or whether you are thinking at all with regards to the boy, but I need to know what exactly is going on between you two. And I want the truth. I'm your brother so let me help you, please." Gabriel implored following up his words with a pleading glance.

"But you, you don't want to get involved in this." Castiel looked up from between his hands, studying his brother, looking for disgust or condemnation in his gaze but finding neither.

"I already am. You are my brother. And I can promise you that I will try not to judge. Hell, that boy's been head over heels for you for years, and you have not been very good at hiding your fondness for him. Now, all I want to know is whether I need to have any concern about you having done something against his will; that would be the only reason I would consider reporting you, but somehow I doubt that will be necessary. Still, please tell me, would I have reason to consider making that call? The truth, Castiel, no matter what. I know you're an honorable man and this clearly is eating you up." Gabriel knew he was playing slightly dirty by appealing to his brother's morality, but sometimes you had to protect people from themselves, and maybe Castiel needed reminding. Yet, while he waited for him to reply Gabriel prayed that his instinct with regards to his brother could be trusted.

Castiel pondered this, really thought about his relationship with Dean and whether despite his own reservations, there ever had been any indication that he forced Dean into something he did not want.

"No." He replied when he could not come up with any plausible scenarios of him having taken advantage in that way. Dean had always been very forward with how he felt about him and what he might want out of their relationship.

"I'm glad." Gabriel let out a sigh, giving away how tense he actually was, placing a comforting had on his brother's shoulder. And the damn broke, Castiel let it all out with words and tears and more words. Finally he was able to share with someone, all his doubts and attempts at denying himself and Dean and ultimately failing. How he had come to love the boy against his better judgment, and how he didn't know what to do now that Dean's father was in the know and had threatened him. That he was worried for Dean, without a means to contact him, and just so scared but that he would deserve what was coming to him for not having been strong enough to deny himself. At which point Gabriel told him to 'just stop' and pulled him into a tight hug something Castiel didn't feel he deserved but accepted nonetheless with gratitude.

God knows, generally Gabriel loved being right but just on this occasion, as he held his sobbing brother in his arms, he wished with all his heart that he had been wrong. That he imagined all those signs he picked up on over the years, first from the boy but increasingly from Castiel as well over this last year. Damn, he should really have sat him down rather than joke about the matter. Because this could get real bad for Castiel.

Gabriel wanted to feel appalled, after all Dean was sixteen and this had been going on for a while, but he just could not make himself. He knew his brother, his generally too high standards at morality, and he had observed Dean over the years and in hindsight, all his quips and innuendos aside, it was a train wreck waiting to happen. Somehow they had been caught in each other's orbit, inevitably gravitating towards one another. Plus, Dean surely seemed to be a guy who knew what he wanted and would go for it, despite his young age. But other people would not see it like that. These two would just be another statistic, something to gush over and he had no idea how much John knew, but these things always left a sour aftertaste, even if Castiel would get off unscathed. He could call up one of his friends, a family lawyer, and make some general enquiries without mentioning names.

But nothing would get solved tonight. The cops hadn't kicked the door in looking for Castiel, which most likely meant that nothing had been filed- yet. He wondered what, if any, evidence John could have over his brother, as Castiel insisted they hadn't really been intimate yet, and generally kept things under wraps. Dean didn't seem the type to just go behind someone's back, especially not someone he cared about. At least that was the impression he had of the boy from the little he knew about him. He had to give him credit where it was due.

Castiel managed to somewhat pull himself together after his little breakdown. The initial shock and numbness quickly turned into worry for Dean, as he shared with his brother how his dad could be abusive and he only hoped that Bobby and Jody would keep tabs on him. And Gabriel listened, shocked that his brother carried all this by himself for years that he had actually been assaulted by John Winchester. This whole situation was so much more complicated than the 'forbidden love' he would normally have teased his brother about, if the situation had been less serious.

Gabriel managed to get a small amount of food, and a slightly larger amount of alcohol down Castiel's throat before he shipped him off to bed.

Castiel appreciated the effort, but it was not like he would be able to sleep. His hands were itching to pick up his cell and call Dean, in the feeble hope it would be him picking up but knowing better than to risk angering John. Not knowing what state the teenager was in, or what had and had not happened all the way over in Sioux Falls drove him mad as the minutes on the clock ticked by. He did not know exactly how but once they were all back in Chicago he would find a way of contacting Dean, although the thought of coming face to face with John had him break out in a cold sweat. But he needed to know that the teenager was ok. Logically, John could not have much on him if anything, and he trusted Dean. Still, Castiel was painfully aware that all it would need were some ill spoken words and hushed accusations, especially when it came to same sex relationships with an underage party involved, to make his life a misery. But he had willingly made his bed, knowing the risks involved, now he'd have to lie in it, whatever the outcome.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this chapter ready to post days ago but then my laptop decided to play up and well, three frustrating days later it's finally back up and running, yeah!
> 
> I apologize in advance for the extended pain and angst, I'm afraid this chapter has plenty of it, and some guilt to boot, as we slowly edge towards the last stretch of this fic.
> 
> But it will all be alright in the end (right now I'm probably the one most in need of being reminded of that)

They were in a fuckton of trouble, to put it mildly. Dean had never seen his father so furious. Even that time when he found his magazines paled in comparison. Maybe he should take solace in the fact that apparently defiance and attempted theft, as really that was what he had tried to do, weighed even higher on his old man's scale than having a varied sexuality. He was absolutely positive that if it had not been for Jody and Bobby, he would be nursing more than just a bruised cheek.

But damn, they hadn't exactly left him with many options, adamantly refusing to just let things rest, or at the very least hand him back his cellphone or- you know, give his version of events the benefit of the doubt. And he had to try, just had to do something. This inability of changing the situation, steer it to somewhat safer waters, was gnawing away at him with ever increasing intensity. Dean hardly even noticed the passing of time, he was too busy, initially with sulking and then trying to come up with a plan to fix this, or bar being able to do so, at least take the so-called evidence out of the equation.

Of course Sammy figured out something was up when Dean went from simmering, hardly contained anger to quietly brooding, and loyal brother that he was, refused to let him try anything by himself. after all, as he kept insisting, Cas was his friend too. After half a day of trying to convince him otherwise, Dean had to concede that he was being out-stubborn'ed by his little brother. Consequently, he roped Sammy in to act as lookout while he methodically combed through the house in search of his cell while Bobby and John had taken to clearing a path from the house to the main road in preparation for the Winchesters' leaving the next day, now that the snow had finally stopped falling.

In the end, after having gone from top to bottom, the only place left to check was Bobby's study, and it would make total sense to hide the thing in the one place neither of the boys were officially allowed in. Dean had to resort to his lock picking skills, courtesy of his stay at 'rehabilitation camp' (the irony would never not be funny to him) to open the locked drawer of the desk. The need to delete those texts urged him on as he fiddled with the paper clip inside the lock. But no sooner than he had the damn drawer open and rejoiced at the sight of his phone, Sammy came barging through the door, saying the two men were back.

And Dean would never blame his brother, after all he really didn't have any experience in the area of acting as lookout, but he must have been so obviously up to no good as he raced from his hiding place that John went after him, still in his outdoor attire and clearly paying the 'no shoes' rule no heed. He was on them before Dean could even get to the text messages. The following shouting match could probably be heard two states over and Dean got pushed into the edge of the bookshelf as his dad wrangled the cellphone out of his hands. Oh their father was furious, insubordination never sat well with him and Dean saw the split second of pure rage in his father's eyes before Bobby's voice reached him and he deflated, instead yelling at them to get out of his sight.

Now they were grounded, not that Dean minded, he had pretty much been in self-inflicted isolation for days, but he feared that in his attempt at improving the situation, he might have actually made it worse and he still was in no position to contact Cas nor has he gotten his friend out of the firing line. Almost worse still, on top of the worry and uncertainty, Dean could feel himself grow increasingly irritated and angry at the adults and their treatment of him. After years and years of being his own boss and being responsible for his little brother, suddenly he felt stripped bare, all agency taken from him, like he wasn't even able to be trusted on simple day to day matters. He felt like he was slowly being suffocated by their misplaced concern and care.

All he really wanted to do was to go home, although he had no idea what would lie in wait for him there, whether his dad would make good on his threats or if and when he could see Cas again. Two more days, then something would happen one way or another. Dean decided he might as well just go to bed, maybe he would wake up to a better world tomorrow.

#

" _What_?" Dean and Sammy exclaimed in unison, staring at their old man in utter shock where they stood in the hall, their duffels at their feet and about to put on their jackets. Dean was sure he must have misheard because his father's words just didn't make any sense. He had been fearful of the backlash from his little stunt, had had a millions and one different scenarios played out in his head, but this?

"You can't be serious!" He stuttered helplessly, as the words slowly sank in.

"Boys, I've had a lot of time to think about this, and this solution will be the best for everyone involved." John said tight-lipped, trying to reign in the temper he could already feel bubbling away under the surface. He'd been pretty certain his sons wouldn't receive his decision with open arms and had dragged out actually telling them until the very last moment, but couldn't they damn well see that for once he was actually trying to look out for them?

In hindsight, leaving them under the impression they would all be going back home as planned, going as far as to actually let them pack their bags had probably been a bad idea. But his sons' continued exasperating refusal to cooperate, or at least talk to him, had left John drained. Ultimately he just didn't have it in him to confront them last night as he had spent the better part of yesterday battling his own demons, trying to keep away his increasing urge to just drink his troubles away.

"No it's not. Our house- everything is there. It's our home!" Sammy protested. Dean was not even thinking about that. His mind was racing with thoughts of the possible implications of his father's decision, threaded through all of them was the constant notion of 'Cas', and what this might mean for them. If they didn't go back, when would he be able to see Cas again? Would he be allowed to see him at all? Dean hadn't forgotten his father's threats but he would have figured something out once they got back. But what if his dad saw this through? The last few days of not talking to his - what was Cas exactly, his boyfriend? - and the pressure of the uncertainty of what might happen to him _and_ their relationship had been torture. His refusal to talk and indict Cas of what his father assumed to be the truth, seemed to have kept John from acting on his threats, for now. But Dean was well aware that even without his cooperation his dad could make life very miserable for Cas should he want to. That had been the crux, the big stumbling block for them all along, and now it threatened to overtake them, possibly destroy what they had. And if it would, Dean could only blame himself and his own stupidity. The sheer frustration of feeling so powerless in this situation was slowly but mercilessly choking him.

But right now, he needed to stay focused, Dean reminded himself, and took a labored breath, trying to steady himself and holding the need to just scream at bay. He needed to find a way to talk his dad out of this. "And our schools." Was the first thing he could think off. "You can't just make us change schools like that in the middle of the year." He said, trying for diplomacy, as he was sure yelling about Cas would not be conducive to changing his father's mind.

"Sammy is a bright kid, he will be fine wherever, and you already have attended school nearby, so you'd be just transferring back."

"But- you can't just leave your job. It was hard enough finding that one." Dean couldn't help the slight pitch to his voice, even as he continued to think of more reasons why this was a very bad idea, trying his hardest to stay on the side of logic.

"Bobby offered to take me on as an extra hand at the garage until I find something more permanent, and I will start looking for a job and a place for us to stay today."

Bobby and by association Jody being in on this hurt more than Dean would care to admit. He couldn't help feeling a stab of betrayal at the revelation, especially over Jody, who he had almost believed to be someone who would try not to judge him, or Cas, especially after her reaction to Dean's accidental admission. But apparently all her offers to listen, being all understanding about 'confused feelings', and her psycho-babble about this being a difficult situation had only been for show. Maybe she was trying to wheedle some incriminating details out of Dean, after all they could well not convict someone just for being in love. But of course, in the end they would all side with John, and clearly no-one seemed to ask what they wanted. It was literally him and Sammy against everyone, just like it used to be. In a way nothing had changed, well for a while it had been Sammy, him and Cas, Dean reminded himself wistfully. But the man was not here and everyone seemed to be hell-bent on keeping them apart.

"I'm not going to stay." Dean griped, voice shaking with suppressed rage, and his brother mumbled his agreement.

"Dean, why can't you see that this is for the best, I'm doing this for us, for _you_." John heaved a frustrated sigh. This damn well had not been an easy decision, giving up the house he used to share with Mary, the thought of it had torn open old wounds but also made him face some of them for the first time. His wife was gone and he had been on a downward spiral for way too long, not willing to face the present. So after mulling over the current circumstances with his friends, exploring possible avenues of actions open to him and the likely consequences of those, his mind was made up.

And as for Castiel Novak, he undoubtedly had been the deciding factor in this decision. More than once John held the phone clutched in his hand, ready to call the cops on his neighbor. Mostly because he wanted the man to have to pay regardless of whether what he had done would legally be regarded as abuse. Without a doubt Castiel had taken advantage of his boys in their vulnerable state in some form, as was evident from their erratic and shady behavior. His imagination tried to fill in the blanks, provided all too vivid scenarios of what this man might have gotten up to with his older son, and it made him feel sick. Moreso because John knew that in a way he only had himself to blame for the current mess, for not having been there for his kids, but that didn't stop him from putting blame firmly at Castiel's feet.

In the end it was his ingrained mistrust in the authorities that had stopped him from making that call. He had a few run-ins with the police during his drunk days, not even to mention the mess that was the investigation after Mary's accident, and the less than adequate way it was handled by all parties involved. No, John and authorities did not mix well. At its core was the fear of them poking their nose where it didn't belong, as no doubt they would want to know about their family background, and let's face it, he hadn't been exactly the father of he year. He just didn't have any hard proof to confirm his suspicions, to make this a quick and easy investigation, and to his immense frustration his boys kept hedging. John also knew that if he would go back without making that call, he was sure he would do something very stupid which might find him on the wrong side of the law. After confessing in Bobby, rather than seeking solace in the bottle, he decided on the best course of action being a new start. John realized that really it was time to move on, and letting go of the past in a literal sense could only be a good thing for all of them.

"I'm not staying and you can't make me!" Dean yelled defiantly, fists balled at his side.

"Dean, I'm your father and until you're eighteen I'm responsible for you. We will make a new life for ourselves here, forget-".

"We should have a say in this." Sammy piped in. He didn't much fancy staying here either. He loved Bobby and Jody, but back in Chicago was their house, their home.

"I'm leaving _and_ I'm taking Sammy. We don't need you." Dean dug his heels in, taking some perverted pleasure at the way their father's face crumbled for a second at his words before his face turned thunderous.

"And then _what_? You just gonna get yourself a job? Find an apartment for you two to live in? You're sixteen years old Dean, wake up!"

"I'll find a way." And he meant it, he would get a job, two if he had to and figure the rest out along the way. He glared at John.

"Or- oh wait. You're just going to run back to Cast _iel_ , is that it? And what, let him have a go at Sammy too in exchange for a warm bed?" John could feel the last shards of his calm disintegrating at the continued insolence of his sons.

"Shut up, just-." Dean was beyond livid now. "When will you get it through your thick skull he's not a pervert!"

"Dean, it's not open for discussion! You will do as you're told _or_ would you rather we all go back and let Mr. Novak face the consequences of whatever it was that he talked you into?" John's voice was gaining in volume. For whatever reason Dean still felt the need to protect that man, and John didn't want to do this, would prefer a clear break rather than dredging this up again, wanted nothing more than to forget that Castiel Novak ever existed. But if a well aimed threat was what it would take for Dean to fall in line, he would use it. Dean was too involved, too compromised to see the situation clearly. John could only hope that after a few weeks away from that man's corrupting influence, the teenager would start to understand that he was only looking out for him, and Sammy.

"That- you- " Dean stammered, his chest constricting as he gasped for breath. Suddenly with a blinding clarity he realized that he was pushed into a corner and defenseless. If he were to go back to Chicago and Cas, he would bring trouble for his friend in his wake, and if he wanted to keep Cas safe he had to yield to his father's demands. Dean started to pace like a trapped animal, because that was exactly what he was.

"You bastard. You-" He shouted at the top of his lungs, anger quickly turning into red hot rage.

"Watch it now, son!" John barked, taking a step towards Dean.

Sammy, not liking where this was going, memories of yelling and of Dean's bruised face coming back to him and making his body shake with fear, tried to get between them, shouting, "Stop it, just _stop_ _it_ ", gangly arms and hands pressing at their respective chests with little success.

Jody and Bobby came running in from the kitchen, where they had been 'hiding', thinking it best for John to talk to his sons alone, but wanting to stay nearby in case of rising tempers, which they knew the Winchesters had in abundance.

"I'm not gonna, you can't make me-" Dean shrieked, body wound tight from trying to contain his rage.

"I told you, the decision's been made. Now stop." John stood his ground, glaring at his son, hoping it would be enough to make him fall back in line.

Dean recoiled at that particular tone in his father's voice. He had heard it many times before. The one that left no room for interpretation or negotiation. He had to shut up and do as he was told, and despite wanting to continue to scream and yell and lash out, he fell in line, shoulders back and arms behind his back. It was a well practiced response, a bodily reaction he seemed to have no control over and which had kept him from harm in the past, no matter how unwelcome it was now. He knew this was it as he desperately swallowed back the sudden lump in his throat, and he couldn't quite meet his father's eyes despite knowing that he should. His world collapsed in around him, his vision whiting out for a second, stomach churning. Dean could feel his eyes well up, from the sheer hopelessness he felt at this very second, a desperate choked up sound trying to escape but he swallowed it back.

Dean hated his father, hated them all in that moment. He had to get out of here fast before he would lose it and just hit someone, preferably his dad, not caring for the consequences. In a way he would prefer, welcome any physical pain to the emotional anguish, wanted to push his dad to that point. But Sammy was still between them and in that split second it took him to realize this, the urge to fight left him for good. He turned on his heels and hightailed it out of the room and not even bothering to put on his jacket which lay discarded next to him on the floor, ran out the front door.

The cold hit him full on, but instead of clearing his head, it made him even angrier. He hated winter, hated the cold, the way the snow pretended for it all to look so serene and pretty when really the whole world was just one ugly place, not allowing him to be happy for more than five minutes.

Standing out against the blinding white was the shiny black of the Impala, gleaming in the sunlight, cleared of snow, like it was just waiting to take them home. Their dad had spent most of yesterday afternoon digging her out and removing all the snow. It had all been for show, one charade to toy with him, and all Dean could see when he looked at the car was John. The one thing he so truly cared about, always treated with reverence even when he didn't care for much else than the next drink. Dean even hated the goddamn car right now and everything it stood for. If Dean couldn't have what he wanted then neither should his dad.

He spotted a crowbar halfway buried under the snow and grabbed it, the cold metal freezing his skin and sticking to it. Without a second thought and with a yell and a grunt he lifted it up and brought it down against the trunk, the reverberation going through his arms as iron hit metal. He repeated the action with more force, then again and again, grunts turning into screams. Tears were now flowing freely as he continued to pummel the car, leaving a gaping hole in its trunk, smashing the rear window next and still it was not enough. His muscles ached and despite the physical exertion his body started to shake from the cold, but he just carried on, tail-lights, windows, whatever he could reach, yelling, panting not even noticing the people standing on the porch. How Bobby had to physically restrain their dad, who was screaming at Dean to stop, telling him that Dean needed this to move on, or the way Sammy stared, pressed closed to Jody as his own tears fell at feeling so utterly helpless and just a little bit scared seeing Dean losing it like that.

#

They should have been back two days ago. The date was seared into Castiel's brain. Initially because it was the day he'd see Dean again (and quite likely the inevitable confrontation with Winchester senior) but now increasingly so because of the distinct absence of any sign of life next door.

New Year had come and gone without as much as a peep from any of the Winchesters. Not that he had held out much hope for Dean contacting him, still there had been that small flicker of anticipation. If anything, Dean proved resourceful and creative in the face of adversity. Maybe that was why this complete silence was unsettling in more than the obvious way. What was going on all the way over in Sioux Falls?

Gabriel had tried to reason with him that if Dean's father wanted him reported, this would most likely have happened already, and he would know by now as his whereabouts were not hard to track down. But that had only worried Castiel more about John’s motives and whether he was planning on taking matters into his own hand or worse taking it out on Dean. He had seen what an enraged John could do. He near well had himself convinced that maybe confronting John first would be a way of clearing the air, just let the man beat him up and get it over with. Cas would take it, especially if it might take any pressure off of Dean. He had no idea what state Dean or Sammy were in, and it frustrated and angered him to be so utterly clueless. It was all but his brother and the less than favorable weather conditions that stopped him from finding his way over there. Plus, they would all be back in Chicago soon enough, and then, according to Gabriel, Castiel could do whatever he deemed necessary while 'for the love of God and everything holy’ not getting himself into any more trouble.

But regardless of his brother's reassurances, when Castiel arrived home, he half expected to be arrested on the spot. But no one showed up questioning him and he wondered whether John was toying with him on purpose, letting him rot in his own hell of uncertainty. And he had to admit that it was working, there was nothing as punishing as a black hole of nothing overshadowing your every waking second.

He started to near obsess with checking on the house opposite, to see if there was any sign of the Winchesters' return. The longer this state of affairs lasted, the more Castiel just needed something to happen. He got to the point that he didn't even care anymore whether it would be good or bad, just something to put him out of his misery. In all the scenarios he had envisaged during long sleepless and angst-ridden nights, staring out of his window with increasing trepidation as first the hours, then the days ticked past without any sign of the Winchesters, had not been part of it.

But life around him didn't just stop. He knew that he had to get a grip, despite the crushing weight on his shoulders. He had lectures to prepare, bills to pay, a life to live, at least until something definite would happen. He couldn't stop functioning just because of 'if's' and 'maybe's'.

It was on the morning of the fourth day, the day school started up again, that Castiel's world stopped turning. He was about to head out to catch up on much needed grocery shopping when he saw the sign go up. 'No, no no, there must have been a mistake; they must have the wrong house', Castiel thought as he stared in disbelief before jumping into action. All plans of shopping forgotten, he jogged over to the too cheerful looking realtor lady to enquire.

Five minutes later he was sat at his kitchen table, visibly shaking, as the words still reverberated in his ears. "Yes, Mr. Winchester's place. Called us Saturday about the sale of his property. Charming man. Said something about a short notice job opportunity he just couldn't pass up that would require him to relocate. Apparently had to tell them yes there and then."

Castiel had just about managed to thank her for her time before he ran back into the house feeling sick. He stared at his hands for a long time; feeling lost like a big void had opened up and swallowed him whole. So this was John's solution, up and go. Force them apart. Castiel still had no idea how much Dean's father actually knew. He refused to believe that Dean would have willingly told the man about them, knowing what was at stake. Maybe the man had overheard one of their conversations and drawn his own conclusions.

He couldn't remember how long he sat there, feeling a numbness spread through him, infesting every cell in his body, before the coffee mug went flying, its cold contents splattering against the wall. The mug, broken on the floor, was a pretty accurate visual for the way his life had splintered into a million pieces.

He had prepared himself for a fight, for the worst case scenario, but this- he needed to do something or he would go out of his mind. He could already feel it clawing at the edge of his brain, the panic, the worry, the thoughts starting to race. He dug out his cellphone and against hope tried Dean's number again, but of course it went straight to voicemail. It was the same for Sammy's. In his desperation he tried Amelia next, knowing of her continued contact with the younger brother, asking if she had heard anything from Sammy over the holidays. She hadn't since a 'Merry Christmas' message that he sent her on Christmas Day, and when she enquired as to whether everything was ok, Castiel just excused himself and hung up, fully aware how unfair it was to leave her worried for the brothers. He would need to explain to her another time; no way could he focus on this right now.

A feeling of cold dread curled its way up his spine, making him shiver. He stared at his cell in his hand, a thought coming to him. Every bone in his body was telling him that this was most likely a very bad idea but there was literally no one else he could try to get some answers from and maybe it was time to face the situation head on. Eventually the need for answers and worry for the brothers won out over his own trepidation and hang-ups and with trembling fingers he scrolled through his contacts until he found the number he needed, pressing the call button.

On the third ring a gruff voice answered with a curt "Yes?"

"Hello Bobby", Castiel gulped around a lump in his throat.

"Castiel!" Bobby exclaimed with a coldness in his voice that he couldn't help but pick up on. It made his hands shake. "You know, I won't let you talk to Dean." Bobby stated, straight to the point knowing full well, or taking a well-educated guess as to the reason for his call.

"I understand." Castiel conceded, not wanting to anger the older man further. Talking to Dean really would have been too much to hope for. "I- I just need to know that they are ok." He said pleadingly after a few steadying breaths. He should be grateful Bobby didn't just hang up on him.

There was silence on the line for a few seconds, like Bobby was contemplating doing just that. Then a long exhale followed by, "They're fine - all things considered, but they won't be coming back to Chicago."

Despite already having worked that out for himself, hearing it straight from the horse's mouth had Castiel suck in a breath, it was like he was being slapped in the face. There was another beat of tense silence as Castiel tried to come up with something more to say. For a second he wondered whether he actually missed Bobby hanging up, then an exasperated sigh confirmed that he was still there.

"Damnit, Castiel!" The sudden outburst of the older man made him jump. Castiel again scrambled for something, anything to say but it was like he had been stunned into silence.

"I trusted you, I put them in your hands - how could you-" Bobby grunted down the line. He had been tempted to just disconnect the call but this might be the closest he would ever get to get some actual answers, being as Dean and Sammy still refused to say exactly what had transpired between them and this man. Part of Bobby stubbornly refused to believe that he could have been so wrong about Castiel, that he had been played by the brother's so called 'friend' for his own gain. But if he had been too trusting and stupid, the blame of what happened to the boys would fall to him, not John or anyone else, being as he had willingly left the brothers in the man's care. But damn, Dean and Sammy had seemed happy with Castiel, but what the hell did he know about the psychology of abuse and all that stuff- Zilch, that was why he had to trust other people in their judgment of the situation.

Bobby's words hurt, stung deep. But of course they were nothing Castiel hadn't accused himself off at one point or other. Lying to Bobby's face about the nature of his and Dean's feelings for one another had always been the hardest, felt so much like betrayal. Precisely because he knew Bobby trusted him and would not look kindly upon him having gotten involved with Dean as anything more than a brotherly friend, regardless of the fact that it clearly was something Dean wanted, and that for the most part Castiel had tried his hardest to adhere to the 'rules'. At least for his own sanity Castiel could take solace in the fact that he had never pushed Dean into anything, something the long talks with Gabriel had reaffirmed for him. He would not want to be associated with people who got involved with minors for kicks because that was never what it was. And right here might be his only chance to be heard.

"I do not know what it is you think that I have done, but I can promise you that I have never done either of them any wrong. I am not like that, I promise. I have never -."

"But- you're in love with Dean" Bobby cut in, more as a statement than a question.

"I-" The bluntness of the older man caught Castiel completely off guard, he grappled for words but none would come to him.

"I take you silence as confirmation." Bobby stated after almost being able to hear the other man think.

"I-" Castiel tried again. At least he suddenly had an idea what they might know, and was there much point denying his feelings?

"Look, not gonna sugar-coat it for you. This is all mightily messed up and I have a feelin' we'll never get the whole story- and I really don't understand how you can claim to be in love with a sixteen year old kid. You're a grown man for fuck's sake! But that aside, I don't wanna forget that you've looked out for them boys when no one else did, even though I can't help but to question your motives now."

" _That_ \- whatever you're implying was never my intention, I-"

"I heard ya the first time-" Bobby stopped Castiel mid-sentence. He took in a big gulp of air, considering his next words. "Without any hard evidence I won't condemn a man and ruin his life based on assumptions and a few text messages. Also I can't ignore the fact how them boys keep sticking up for you, and frankly, I don't know what to make of that. But John- he's got a lot to work through, he's got every right to feel angry and protective of his boys." Bobby let out a long suffering sigh. "At least he's finally well enough to care- and I can't vouch for him or his actions. So I think it'll be in everybody's best interest if this stops now, if everybody goes their separate ways, starts over." Bobby let out a long suffering sigh. "I don't think you're inherently a bad person, Castiel. Just- move on with your live, maybe go back to that nice man you had".

"I- Just-"

"Please, just don't try and contact Dean. If you do care for him like you say you do, let him go and start a new life here, with his peers. He is messed up six ways from Sunday at the moment, and he needs a clear break of whatever's going on with you. Damn it, did you really ever see Dean and you going anywhere, if there was anything to go somewhere in the first place, that is." Bobby let the question hang heavy between them.

Castiel startled at the question. Had he seen this go somewhere? Or was he so caught up in the moment that he stopped being rational, stopped looking at what would be best for everyone involved. He wanted to yell that 'yes, of course he and Dean were headed somewhere' but in the cold light of day, could they have? Thirteen years equated to a whole lifetime worth of different experiences. With the stress of the last week finally having caught up with him, wearing him out, he suddenly wasn't quite so sure anymore, still he wanted to believe.

"Maybe, I don't know." He replied after a long silence.

"Then let it rest. I take it this is goodb-"

"But they're ok?" Castiel asked again, like he didn't believe it the fist time.

"They will be." Bobby replied before he disconnected the call. He had no idea what just happened. Really, he should have just yelled at Castiel, but something in the other man's voice had sounded so sincere and almost broken. He without a doubt cared for the brothers, but maybe that was the problem, he cared too much for one of them. Bobby still didn't know Dean's version, whether he believed himself to be in love with Castiel as well, and whether that really was all there was to it, but Bobby had to agree with John on that at sixteen, Dean very well did not know what love might or should look like. He could have easily been led to believe that any feelings of friendship or whatever he might have felt for Castiel were something more. Keeping them apart would be for the best. Dean would forget and eventually move on and this all would be but a nasty memory.

Back in Chicago, Castiel could not get himself to move, refusing to believe in the finality of his relationship with Dean while at the same time knowing it to be true. No doubt Gabriel would tell him that he should be glad, that he got off 'easy' with just a few scrapes so to speak. And while his rational side wanted to agree, tried to tell him this was all for the best and that the last year and a half should just be forgotten, that he somehow had not been quite himself, he could not make himself do so. He had fallen in every way imaginable and most of all he had fallen in love with Dean, and no matter what people might have him believe, he knew what he felt for the teenager was real. He had fought against it for too long to now believe otherwise. Despite knowing it would be for the best, would be the logical approach to take, he did not want to move on, he wouldn't even know where to start, although as of right now, he had no idea where that left him at.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, this was supposed to be up weeks ago. I can only blame life having been very busy, and that nasty stretch of writer's block I suffered for over two weeks also did not help.
> 
> But I'm glad I got this finished and ready to post this weekend, mainly because I really need these two to be together again, which I can now focus on :)

Thirty.

The number had been going around in Castiel's head for days, weeks even. He still had trouble associating it with himself, despite never having been someone to fret too much about his age. Maybe it was because it was supposed to be a 'big' deal, turning thirty. Should he feel old and distinguished, wiser even? Castiel did have a feeling that he wouldn't do attributes such as these justice. Then, again, what was one supposed to be like at thirty? In the past he'd thought he knew, believed he’d have it all figured out. His 'wonderful' ten year plan, the joining of the rat-race, falling in line and follow the examples set before him by his family and people they interacted with. Get his doctorate, get a job, get married, get the house, maybe some rugrats to please the parents (and the wife). Castiel couldn't help the bitter sneer that escaped his throat thinking back to his younger self and the naive simplicity his life was back then, predictable but safe. And in broad terms, his plan had worked out at least in part. He had the job _and_ the house (barely, but thanks to his brother's help he managed to hold on to it). Even had the marriage, if only for while. As for pleasing his parents, well, he would rather not think about that. The distinct lack of any cards or calls served as a plain and painful reminder how far from grace he had fallen in their eyes. For the most part he had made peace with it, still it was his family and it was during moments like these that he felt the hole that was left behind by their absence.

On cue Castiel's gaze traveled up to the cards sitting on the mantelpiece, studying the handful of cards he had received from friends and work colleagues and, of course, Gabriel, bless him. A wave of gratitude washed over him at the thought of his brother. Despite their differences he had become a constant, an anchor, in Castiel's life, a last connection to the things he had to leave behind, and funnily making the mess that his current life was, more bearable. He was the only one who knew the whole story, the one Castiel had called plenty of times during those first few weeks when the silence that now stretched through the house was just too much to bear.

Castiel buried his head in his hands, taking in a too labored breath for simply sitting on the couch. He tried hard not to focus on one card in particular, the one he had tellingly placed in the centre (blatantly ignoring the fact that its position was not helping in his attempt to avoid being reminded of it, of _him_ ). After a moment he conceded defeat with a sigh and got up, closing the short distance to the mantelpiece, and pick up the card, letting his thumb brush tenderly over its edges. It was a plain card with a simple '30' on it, and a standard message inside, plus a small personal note of 'Miss you so much'. It was not signed but Castiel had known whose writing it was the second he saw it. He had read over enough of Dean's homework to be able to recognize it anywhere. That barely scabbed over wound, the one he had tried to cauterize by avoiding any- and everything relating to the teenager, had been ripped open at the sight of the card and its contents, and days later it was still bleeding.

Three months without as much as a peep from any of the Winchesters. The movers had come and gone, the new neighbors moved in and in time Castiel started to face the inevitable. Bobby's words about trying to do what would be best for Dean were a constant reminder in those moments when his resolve wavered. Castiel almost managed to convince himself that he was indeed doing the right thing, letting Dean go. That was until the card showed up, proving without a doubt that Dean was still thinking of him, had risked going behind the adults back to reach out to Castiel and all notions of uncertainty had gone out the proverbial window. Dean missed him and that knowledge was like a physical ache tearing Castiel apart from the inside out. With another heavy sigh he put the card back, looking around the already too sterile and clean living room for something he could occupy himself with. Something that would stop the thoughts in their tracks before they would come bursting out and overwhelm him, like they had managed a few times lately.

He was well aware that he had been on a downwards spiral ever since the card's arrival three days ago. He suffered through the surprise birthday party Amelia had arranged for him, mainly consisting of work colleagues and a few people he would not call more than acquaintances. But he could not help but appreciate the gesture, playing along to the best of his abilities, while inside he just felt hollow. Castiel was sure that he hadn't really pulled off fooling himself or other people, despite putting on his best smile.

Of course Amelia had picked up on something being very, very wrong with him a long time ago, gently probing for answers. Her offer of an open ear soon gave way to outright fussing and worrying. But Castiel could not bring himself to confide in her, tell her the real reason as to the sudden disappearance of the Winchester brothers, or his corresponding extended mood swings, spinning her the same line about a job opportunity for the boys' father that the realtor had given him. Still that did not explain the sudden radio silence but Castiel had no answer to give her. For a while he had hoped that Sam would at least stay in contact with Amelia, letting her (and by proxy him) know how they were doing. The longer the silence lasted the moodier Castiel got. And as for his suddenly turning into more of a recluse than he used to be, well it was nobody's damn business, plus he didn't want to accidentally take out his frustration on the few people he still had in his life.

Castiel's life now was predictable, work, eat, run, prepare lecture plans, sleep, rinse and repeat. He did not need or want any distractions or excitement in his life. This way there could be no surprises, no curve balls. He was not sure he would have it in him to deal with any more of those. He needed to get control back over his life, and keeping things in order at work and in his home environment made him feel safe. His house now was the epitome of rectangular angles and clean lines, all knick-knacks that had found their way into his space over the last few years had been carefully removed and stored away.

But then the card had to arrive and send him tail spinning, reminding him of the ugly truth that no matter what, he could not at this point rip Dean out of his heart, despite his best efforts. And in spite of moving to that age where he should have it all figured out, he in fact felt lost in a way he could not remember ever having experienced. The truth was that he was madly pining for a teenager, someone who for a while had taken over his mediocre life and turned it into something exciting and worth living for.

These days all Castiel wanted to do was curl up under a blanket and not come out for at least a year. It was only his ingrained work ethics that kept him going. Maybe one day he would get over Dean, or Dean would come looking for him once he was all grown up, although Castiel did not want to hold out hope for that. Hope only led to disappointment. One thing was clear though; three months had by no way been enough time to get over his feelings.

Castiel could feel his hands twitch with the urge to occupy them, to do something to distract himself. The kitchen- it had been a few days since he last gave it a once over. Rolling up his sleeves, he got the cleaning equipment out and before long he was scrubbing every last bit of surface within an inch of its life until the voice in his head finally quieted down.

#

"Damn it Dean, this is the second time in as many months." Jody glared across at the teenager, gripping the steering wheel tight. Dean didn't do much more than give a non-committal shrug, staring out the window at the passing landscape.

"Shoplifting, what _the hell_ were you thinking?" Jody tried keeping her voice level, but didn't quite manage to hide the hitch in her voice. "You know there are only so many strings I can pull, and this time I'm afraid there's no getting you out of facing the consequences."

Dean didn't grace this with a reply, instead slumped against the door, eyes still glued to the outside.

"I can only imagine what your father will have to say about this." Jody managed to somewhat spin the last time Dean was arrested, telling John she had stumbled across a drunk Dean and dragged his ass back home, conveniently forgetting the part about having had to pick Dean up from the station. Dean had given them her contact details rather than John's, and damn, he was lucky that the officer in charge at the time let him leave with her, mainly because he still owed her a favor and everybody knew about her involvement in the Winchesters' life. So she wasn't even surprised when they called her earlier to deal with the situation rather than Dean's father. But this time John would have to know the whole story, and better from her than some unknown cop showing up at his doorstep with his son in tow.

"I don't care." Came the clipped snotty reply. And really, Dean didn't give a crap what his old man thought. He would never forgive him for the stunt he pulled. He hated the it here, hated their new house, a simple two bedroom place, slightly bigger than their house back in Chicago. He didn't care about the size though, the house in Chicago had been home, this was just bricks to keep them warm at night. He hated the school and the teachers, which might be the reason why he didn't bother turning up half the time, only making an appearance when the adults got on his case. His grades were in the dumpster but he didn't care about that either. That might have to do with the fact that he was too high or drunk to care half the time. He found a group of people to hang with which had easy access to all kind of stuff. Well the responsible adults in his life wanted him to make 'new' friends, didn't they. So what if they did not meet their standards, wasn't the first time, was it. So all things considered, Dean honestly didn't care if John's feelings would get hurt, or if he had to go juvie or do community service. For all he cared, they could just lock him up and let him rot.

Dean jolted as Jody pulled the car over to side of the road with a sharp turn before turning off the engine. He could hear her take in a big gulp of air, could feel her gaze bore into the back of his head, but he could not bring himself to turn and look at her.

"Talk to me, Dean. I just want to understand what is going on in that head of yours?"

"I thought you all knew perfectly well what's going on in my head." Dean snapped, wasn't that why he was stuck here in the first place, because they all knew him and what was best for him _so well_?

"Dean," Jody sighed, still not used to the amount of sass Dean passed around easily these days, if he had the courtesy to talk at all. Somehow that nice, helpful exuberant kid she used to know had turned into this. And it wasn't just the teenage hormones talking, this was Dean outright rebelling, hurting himself and others in the process. Of course she had expected some of it, had forewarned John to go easy on his son, give him time to adjust. But this had been going on for four months now, and these last two months Dean, instead of slowly pulling himself back together like they had all hoped, had completely flown off the handle. John tried what he could between long hours and still figuring out how to be a father to two teenagers but she knew for a fact that Dean and his father generally ended up just butting heads when John tried to intervene. The hard heavy approach really did not work any longer with the teenager. But what worried Jody most was that she could see the signs, the way Dean started to slip into the same behavioral patterns than his father, employed the same coping mechanisms to deal with emotional trauma. She had no idea who supplied him with the alcohol (and she hoped it was only alcohol he used for self-medication) but she knew that teenagers had their ways. And after today's events she was more concerned than ever.

"I'm just trying to help. But I don't get it. You're literally throwing your life away here."

"So what if I do? It's my life isn't it?" Dean turned to glare at her.

Jody nodded. "Yes, ultimately it is and once you're an adult you can do with it as you seem fit, even if it is making bad choices. But you can't avoid people on calling you out on it. Also- you don't exist in a vacuum, the way you behave will not only affect yourself but also have a direct impact on the people around you. People who love you and care for you. How do you think this makes Sammy feel?" She got a slight flinch out of Dean at the mention of his brother.

"He'll be alright. He doesn't need to worry about me." Dean didn't feel the confidence with which he tried to deliver those words. All he could do was hope that Sammy would indeed be alright, because Dean knew ultimately he failed him too, didn't have it in him to hold it together at least until his brother was old enough to take care of himself. That truth was generally easier to handle while his brain was foggy, and the effect of the alcohol he imbibed earlier in the day was wearing off too fast for his liking, allowed him enough clarity to think about things he'd rather not.

"But you see he does. You're his big brother, the one who always has his back. He's worried about you, whether you want to hear it or not. Most of all he misses his brother."

"Well, tell him not to, I'm _fine_. So what if I don't want to finish high school. Not everybody's book-smart. I can get my GED when I'm old enough and then get a job. Then, me and him can finally go back to Chicago, if he still wants to, and dad can't stop us."

Oh- Jody tried not to let her surprise show. Dean had not mentioned Chicago for a long time, even in those increasingly rare moments where he actually talked to people. Chicago and its implications was generally a no go subject with everyone these days. After a few more failed attempts to get Dean to open up, John, Bobby and her had agreed not bringing it up for the time being, or Castiel for that matter, would be the best way forward. Had they mistook his silence on the matter as him letting go of this ill-conceived fascination he had with the man? As far as she was aware, she was still the only one Dean actually ever confided in about his feelings or that there was an actual relationship involved (the depth of which she never had a chance to work out).

At times she couldn't help but think back to the way those texts used to make Dean smile, a smile that had been absent from his face for a long time. But still, she could not - refused to - wrap her head around the possibility that what Dean felt could have ever been more than some teenage infatuation. Something, which in her mind she had construed as Castiel having taken full advantage off. Just with a blinding jolt of clarity, as she allowed herself to take in Dean's defiant yet defeated expression, Jody suddenly was not so sure anymore about that. What if indeed Dean had been a willing and driving force in this relationship, as he had alluded to once or twice. Would that make Castiel's involvement with a minor less of an offence? Jody knew life wasn't just black and white, that things had a tendency to get messy, yet as an officer of the law she had to believe in right and wrong as least as far as the law was concerned. The one thing she did know though was that Dean was clearly still emotionally hung up on the man.

With a heavy heart she decided to test that theory.

"And- what would Castiel say if he could see you now?"

Dean's reaction was instantaneous. His shoulders went up and he sucked in a breath before going still and staring out the window. Jody could see a muscle tick in his jaw.

"What does it matter?" He gritted out after a moment, not hiding his bitterness.

"Just, if-" Jody thought about how to best phrase this. "If Castiel really cares for you the way you kept insisting that he does, what do you think he would say knowing you're gambling with your future the way you do? And I don't just mean your attitude to education."

Dean could feel himself losing the last of his composure, fast. "Well, you made damn sure that it doesn't matter any more what he thinks on the matter. You all should be fucking proud of yourselves!" Dean snarled turning on his side, effectively cutting off the conversation. He didn't need a reminder that there was another person he had let down. He remembered only too well how important a good education was to Cas, how he had always been there encouraging him, without being too overbearing, still accepting him and his limits. And he needed to be reminded of Cas even less. It hurt too much thinking about him. He curled in on himself, crossing his arms across his chest and closing his eyes, just wanting all of this to go away.

Jody stared at him gobsmacked for a second, because despite Dean's best efforts, she could pick up on the raw hurt in his voice. Damn, either Dean was one stubborn sonofabitch, which being a Winchester he totally was, or those feelings for Castiel really ran deep, for good or for bad. She hated seeing him like that. If only she would be able to get through to him, or anyone for that matter.

She started the car and pulled back onto the road. The drive home to the Winchester house was silent, a heaviness hanging in the car that was palatable and making Jody itch to keep talking. But she knew better than to exasperate and already on edge teenager. At least the silence gave her plenty of time to mull things over, let a sudden stray idea take root that she could not shake the more she thought about it. It would be too late for the charges regarding the shoplifting, but it was not too late for Dean to turn his still young life around. All she would need was a helping hand.

By the time they arrived, it was dark and Jody could see Sammy milling about in the small kitchen through the window. That could only mean that John was not back from work and the job of making dinner fell to Sammy in Dean's absence. She could see the downward spiral for all parties involved playing out in front of her eyes. If Dean didn't pull himself together that might well in time push John over the edge. She knew he had been struggling but so far with Bobby's guidance managed to stay dry. If that happened it would drag them all down, Sammy included and she could not let that happen.

"Dean, I will talk to your father in the morning. I want you to have an overnight bag ready. I'm taking you on a little trip and I'm not taking 'No' for an answer. This has been going on long enough and you better have your ass ready to go."

Dean only grunted in acknowledgement before he opened the door and without as much as a 'Hi' to his brother legged it up the stairs, leaving Jody to deal with Sammy's questions. Despite his better judgment, he pulled out his duffle and started packing. Jody was one scary lady when she wanted to be and for some reason, maybe because of her mention of Cas earlier, this time something must have gotten through to him.

#

Dean did not quite believe it but he was actually glad to be tucked in the car with Jody. After a night of next to no sleep, the morning had been a whirlwind of fretting and trying to avoid John for as long as possible, or at least until Jody got here, while picking up his big brother duties and making breakfast for Sammy. He was just handing Sammy his packed lunch when Jody arrived. From then it was only minutes until the inevitable shouting and getting yelled at by his dad started. John didn't even try to hide his disappointment and anger after she was done telling him about what happened yesterday afternoon and the likely consequences of Dean's actions.

Worse than the shouting was the look his baby brother gave him. Dean couldn't quite decipher whether it was worry or disappointment and he couldn't get out of there fast enough. Not that John was very keen on letting him go. If it had been for his dad, he would probably be locked away in his room until he was twenty-five. But Jody held some serious sway over his old man, and convinced him that she was going to try to put Dean's head straight (good luck with that) and John, most likely at a loss for what else to do, trusted her enough to leave his son in her care.

She was suspiciously tight lipped about their destination, and so far had held back with the lecture Dean just knew had to be coming. Now in the cold light of day, head aching but otherwise clear apart from lack of sleep, he couldn't get that look on his brother's face out of his head. God, he most likely would get a record, how was he going to explain that to Sammy? And as much bravado and 'didn't give a crap attitude' as he felt yesterday, he knew he did not want to go to juvie. He didn't much want to do community service either but at least that way he could be at home and try to make it up to Sammy. Damn, his head really started to hurt. At least the constant thrum and hum of the car was slowly dragging him under.

Dean did not know what time it was when Jody shook him awake for a much needed toilet break and refuel. He accepted the below par slosh that masqueraded as coffee and the slightly stale pastry. He definitely could do with a caffeine and sugar infusion.

They pulled back onto the road which was when Dean noticed what road they were on. I-90, just passing Rochester. He sucked in a breath as his heart started to hammer in his chest. He had taken this route plenty of times in the past.

"Where we're going?"

"Chicago". Jody simply stated.

"Why?" Dean's voice was shaking, not trusting that they really could be heading _there_.

"I-, call it a gut feeling. I've had a lot of time to think and I just want to get some answers, figure this out once and for all." She briefly glanced over at Dean. "Maybe this is something someone should have done a long time ago. Get both sides of the story; or- give your story the benefit of the doubt. I know your dad is too close to be objective and I- I don't know, maybe Bobby and I too readily jumped to conclusions. But regardless of the outcome, I think you and me will need to do some serious talking. Whenever you're ready, I'll listen, without prejudice or consequences, I promise."

Dean felt like he was going to throw up, the pastry suddenly sitting heavy like a stone in his stomach. Was Jody implying he might get to see Cas? His heart rate spiked at the mere prospect of it. Shit, he looked like hell, what would Cas make of him now? Was Jody expecting him to say something? Would that help his chances to be allowed near his friend? What if he said the wrong thing and screwed this up and Jody would turn straight around. How was he to know this was not just another attempt to indict Cas? His head started hurting and it just sounded too good to be true.

"So just like that, you believe me?" Dean had been burned one to many times to just take things at face value.

"No. But I'm willing to re-evaluate. I see the way this is tearing you apart, and I'm fresh out of ideas on how to get through to you. You sure as hell ain't listening to any of us, and maybe- we haven't been very good at listening to you."

Dean didn't have a reply to that, just nodded in response. He would need a minute or two to let what Jody just said sink in. He sure as hell didn't feel like he could trust her, regardless of her rousing speech, despite already feeling part of him wanting to do just that. It's been too long since anybody was willing to listen and he was just so tired. Dean let himself sink into the seat. They still had a good few hours drive ahead of them, he might as well try to get comfortable while his brain was whirring with thoughts and hopes and fears, trying not to get his hopes up.

#

They arrived in Chicago just after seven. Jody booked them into a motel, which by Dean's estimation was a good half hour drive away from his old neighborhood. He was itching to just make a run for it. He broke the drawn out silence that had built between them during the rest of the journey and begged Jody to just let him go. But she was having none of it, telling him in no uncertain terms that he was not to go anywhere until she had a chance to talk to Castiel, which she was planning on doing first thing in the morning.

Instead she took Dean out to a local diner where they shared a tense dinner. Dean was well aware that Jody was waiting for him to open up, to say something. He just couldn't get himself to. He didn't want to accidentally blurt out anything that might get Cas into trouble (well, any more trouble). He thought his best course of action would be to wait what tomorrow would bring and after some non-committal small talk, Jody gave up and they turned in for the night.

Dean didn't sleep a wink. He was a ball of nerves and really craved a drink to calm his mind but with Jody being here, he knew better than to even think about sneaking a bottle from the mini bar. He ended up tossing and turning in the small, uncomfortable bed, his mind going crazy with endless scenarios of tomorrow. He listened to the traffic outside as he stared at the ceiling, realizing he really missed the big city and its noises and smells. A tense itch, nervous expectation was thrumming through his body at the idea of finally being able to see Cas, to hug him, to touch and listen to his voice. The intensity of it nearly was too much, he hadn't allowed himself to feel like this for a long time. At around 2AM his excitement gave way to doubt. What if Cas didn't want this anymore? If he told Jody as much in no uncertain terms. Maybe this whole mess had driven him to the point of just giving up on them despite his past reassurances. And Dean wouldn't even hold it against him.

Morning came too fast and not fast enough. Dean was exhausted but high on adrenaline as he tried his best to keep down his breakfast. Jody was adamant on him keeping his ass parked right here in the motel room until she would be back from he little excursion under threat of just calling the whole thing off if he didn't. Dean was picking apart his cuticles as he tried to distract himself with some daytime TV, doing his best to ignore the clock on the wall and the churning of this stomach.

#

Castiel had just gotten comfortable in his study, a fresh mug of coffee on the table and pen ready for grading in his hand when the doorbell rang. It was still fairly early for a Saturday morning and it wasn't like he had many unannounced visitors. Still, his instilled manners won out and he trudged down the stairs, expecting it to be some delivery firm or other, it wouldn't be the first time he would sign for one of his neighbors parcels.

He was not prepared for the person on the other side of the door to be Jody of all people. It must have shown on his face, as he just stared at her like he had seen a ghost, no even bothering with the pleasantries of a salutation.

"Hello Castiel." Jody said in greeting. She was well aware that she was not playing fair, wearing her sheriff's uniform despite being off the clock. It was a calculated move, asserting her authority while trying to remind Castiel of his duty to tell the truth when questioned by an officer. It might be a long shot and maybe all it did was make her feel more in control.

"Jody." Castiel stared at the woman on his front porch. They had only met face to face one time and he had conveniently forgotten about the fact that she was an officer of the law. Would this be it? Did she take it upon herself to turn him in? Why did they wait this long to act? He could feel his muscles tense even while he tried not to let it show.

"You going to invite me in?" Jody asked after a long moment of Castiel just looking at her, clasping his hands together tightly in front of him.

"Yes, of course, where are my manners?" He opened the door and waved her inside. No need to not keep this as civil as possible for as long as possible. After all she was only doing her job.

"How is this- I mean, would you care for something to drink?"

"If you could whip up some of that coffee you did last time I was here, I'd appreciate that." Jody replied, eyes not moving from the man in front of her, even now trying to get a read on him. It was almost frustrating how normal he appeared, tussled hair, his professor glasses on, sweater vest paired with not quite matching lounge pants, giving him a slightly nerdy appearance. From an objective perspective, he was a very handsome man with clean cut facial features and magnetic eyes. She could see how Dean might have felt drawn to him. But, it was also apparent that he was just so much older than Dean. Jody would not be fooled by appearances but as she had promised the teenager, she would try to keep an open mind. After all she was here to help Dean.

Castiel waved Jody into the kitchen where he busied himself with making the requested beverage while trying to steel his mind, wondering how this would play out. Jody sat down at the table and watched him work. He felt her eyes on him the entire time and if her goal was to make him nervous, she was definitely succeeding. Castiel carried two steaming mugs of coffee over to the table where he positioned himself opposite her, sipping anxiously at his own drink just so he had something to do.

"Thank you." Jody said politely before taking a big gulp of the slightly too hot liquid. "As good as I remembered it."

Castiel nodded in thanks.

After another tense minute of silence, Castiel was just about ready to break. "Why are you here?"

Jody sighed, gathering her thoughts. "Answers, I guess. I should have done this a long time ago. Not gonna lie, part of me just wants to punch you right in the face for ever getting involved with Dean. But-" She let out a little snort. "You know, I had you looked into after this whole mess came out, so I guess I'm not exactly beyond bending the rules myself."

Castiel looked at her with wide eyes not sure whether to take this as a threat or some sort of admission to level the playing field.

"I know it's not legal but someone owed me a favor, and I just needed to know whether you-"

"And?" Castiel cut in.

"You're squeaky clean, two parking tickets aside."

"Parking near campus can be a bit of a challenge at times." Castiel offered as an explanation.

"Thing is, I can't figure you out. When I first met you, I liked you, the way you cared for the Winchester boys. Of course that was before I found out about the degree of your involvement." She sighed. "I really hoped to find some dirt on you, something that would beyond a doubt prove that our suspicions were right. But either you're very good at burying any dirt or-" She wanted to say, 'Dean said the truth', but she cut herself off in time. No need to bring that up yet.

"Feel free to go through my house, my laptop. Take it with you to have it examined if you want. I don't have anything to hide, I told Bobby I'm not like that."

"Then _what_ are you like?" Jody tried her best to keep the frustration out of her voice. "Because from where I am standing it's hard not to think of you just like that."

Castiel thought for a moment whether to give the woman opposite him the courtesy of a reply. But would there be any point? Wasn't she here because finally they thought they had something they could convict him with? So instead he fixed her with his best neutral expression. "You didn't answer my question, why are you here?"

"I'm not here to arrest you, if that is what you're thinking. I don't think Dean would ever forgive me for that." Jody saw a change flick over Castiel's face at the mention of the boys' name. She couldn't make out the exact emotion, but she definitely had Castiel's full attention now, his whole body basically leaning towards her.

"Look, I will be perfectly honest here. I wanted to really hate you, hoped that there was something about you that would prove beyond a doubt that you are just a sick little man who wormed his way into Dean's life, that you would give me a reason to just up and leave and take Dean back with me and tell him once and for all that he needs to let go of this pipedream or whatever else this was or-"

"Wait!" Castiel almost jumped out of his chair, not really believing what he just heard. "Dean is _here_?" His heart started to beat frantically in his chest at the idea of Dean being close by, not a whole ten hours away in a different part of the country. He was ready to just run and go find him, if it hadn't been for the way Jody was staring at him.

"Yeah, I- I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea, but-" Her gaze briefly flicked to the floor before it settled on the man opposite her again. "Dean's not doing so well. And whether we like it or not, it all seems to be coming back to you- it started to go wrong the minute he was not allowed to get in contact with you any more."

"What do you mean, not doing so well?" Castiel sounded so concerned, the feeling also etched into his features, that it hit Jody in that second that there really were deep emotions involved on the man's side. She might not be ok with the concept of a 'Dean and Castiel' but to keep denying the reality of it at this point would just be foolish. She had a hurting teenager back at the motel and now this man was giving her the same wounded animal look. She really didn't know what she wanted out of this but these two needed a chance to talk it out. She hoped then Dean would be able to get himself back together, let the people around him help him for a change to get back on his feet or at the very least stop with his self-destructive streak.

"Well, he displays some very destructive tendencies, not just throwing his education away, but- it's just like he has given up, and he's just so angry all the time. And well, you know how his father used to deal with stress."

Castiel just gulped and nodded his head in understanding. This sounded bad and he was mentally kicking himself for not having gone after Dean, facing his father head on, because now Dean was suffering, and he had been left in the dark as to just how much.

"It's a long shot, but was hoping maybe you could talk some sense into him, he might listen to you. Also, I know this will be a lot to ask seeing as you- but ... I think it might be best for him if you could tell him that he should let it go, whatever he is still holding on to. Hearing it from you might be the push he needs. He can't carry on the way he has and can there really be a future for him with you?"

Castiel just stared at his hands, letting the words sink in. That question again, the one Bobby had asked him so many months ago and which he had been tormenting himself with ever since. Back then he had conceded that Bobby must have been right, but since then he had a lot of time to think, deny, ignore, and re-evaluate. And after everything she just told him, how could she expect him to push Dean away again, lie to him? The only one who would get to tell him to stop would be Dean himself. Consequences be damned.

With a sudden clarity he faced Jody again. "I am definitely willing to talk to him, I know how Dean tends to bottle up what is really going on inside of him. But- I will not tell him to let this go. I am sorry, I just cannot and I do not think it would be in his best interest either. I will not tell him that this was not real or is over, even if that means you will stop me from talking to him." It was a calculated risk but he would not lie to Dean, if anything he would leave that ball in Jody's court.

Jody huffed, working her hand through her hair. "Dammit, think of what's best for Dean for just a second."

"I _am_. I always have. And after what you just told me I don't believe lying to him would help. I do not believe telling him my feelings were not, are not real will be conducive to this situation, if anything it will make him feel even more abandoned. I know how Dean thinks; maybe better than you do. I know I am putting my neck on the line here with this admittance, and maybe you will use this against me. But for what it's worth, I promise you I never forced Dean to do anything, we never indulged in the kinds of things you probably imagined us doing." Castiel stopped for a second, surprised at the easiness with which the little white lie rolled of his tongue. He was clinging to a technicality of to what counted as 'sex' and what didn't. And by that account he actually never touched Dean skin to skin or any of his private areas. He was well aware of Jody's piercing gaze, like she could pry the truth of that statement out of him if she stared hard enough.

"Plus, should Dean not have a say in this? Has anyone ever bothered asking him what he wants? I know he is young, believe me I do, and it has caused me great internal struggles. But you know as well as I do that he had to grow up before his time and is definitely able to make his own decisions. I learned to trust his judgment. But I for one am well aware of how the world at large would perceive me. Dean and I had long discussions about this, mainly it was him trying to put my reservations to rest." A small fond smile, hardly more than the lifting the edge of his lips, worked its way across Castiel's face.

Jody opened and then closed her mouth, after she couldn't think of a suitable reply. She did not really expect Castiel to be this forward. Also she was not quite prepared to be put on the spot like this, have the tables turn and make her the responsible one, well at least an accomplice, to Dean's current descent. But Castiel had a point, Dean was very mature for his age, had to be because of circumstances, and then without warning, they had brought his sense of judgment into question, not allowing him the authority over his life he had gotten accustomed to. Not wanting to believe him because it was easier not to. She didn't quite know what to think anymore.

Castiel sighed before continuing, he might as well get it all out. "You know, I did not want this, did not want to feel the way I do about Dean, mainly for the same reasons I assume you are trying to talk me out of it. But I have come to know Dean, as a person, an amazing young man. And unless he tells me he wants to move on, I will do what I have promised him all those months ago, I will wait for him."

With that last statement, the room fell quiet once more. They sat in uncomfortable silence as they finished the rest of their by now lukewarm coffee. Castiel's words about asking Dean what he wanted, trusting him with his own decisions, struck a cord with Jody. The few times Dean had opened up to her, she still had made all the decisions, deciding over his head, as did everyone else. No wonder he shut down and went off the rails. It was time to hand back some autonomy to Dean, ask him what he wanted. She decided to go back to the motel and ask Dean exactly that question.

"I appreciate your honesty." She said, getting up, holding out a hand for Castiel to shake, a bit like a peace offering.

Castiel studied the hand for a moment before taking it in a firm shake. "So- what now?" He was afraid of the answer but he just needed to know.

"I will go back to the motel and have a talk with Dean. There is something I have to ask him."

"Does that mean that-"

"It depends on Dean's answer." Jody was quick to reply as she made her goodbye. Although she was pretty sure she knew what the boy's answer would be.

Castiel was left at the door, dumbstruck and yet for the first time in months with a buzzing anticipation crawling under his skin. He needed to find something to distract himself with or the wait and uncertainty would drive him insane. Also slowly the realization that he just confessed to a relationship with a minor to a sheriff did not help his heart or stomach to calm down. At the same time he felt weirdly relieved at the way this confrontation had played out. Was it too early to let that small seed of hope start to blossom?

#

It had been over two hours since Jody left and Dean was a nervous wreck. He had lost interest in anything on the TV a long time ago, only having it on as background noise to calm his nerves as he took to pacing the floor, checking outside the window every five minutes, and pacing some more. When the door eventually opened and Jody walked through it, looking drained, his heart stopped for a second. He had a weird feeling that this would be it as thoughts were running amok in his head.

Jody sat down on her bed and sighed, looking at Dean with such intensity that it made him start to fidget. This didn't bode well. He just wanted to yell, demand to know what happened, why it took so long, but he kept his mouth shut, for fear of screwing things up.

Jody could see Dean holding back, knew he wanted to know what had transpired between her and Castiel. But really, there was no point reiterating. If Castiel told the truth, none of this would be news to Dean. Really, there was only one thing she needed to ask. She cleared her throat, making sure she had Deans' full attention.

"I need to ask you something." Dean raised an eyebrow in question, not sure where this was going but too scared to interrupt. "I- we should have asked you this a long time ago and I apologize that we did not. But believe me, we only ever wanted what's best for you. Maybe our judgment was clouded by your age or by the fact that Castiel is an older _man_ , and the fact that strictly speaking this is an illegal relationship, I don't know. But I know that you are able to make good decisions, well current issues aside." Jody let out a small humored huff.

"But I think I get it now, so I'm gonna ask you this, Dean, what is it you want?"

"I just want to go and see Cas." Dean did not even have to think about the answer, it was really the only thing he wanted to do at this point, had been for months. If he would allow himself to think harder, maybe he would come up with other things he might want, but right now that would also mean facing the mess he left behind in Sioux Falls, something he was not ready to do.

"Ok."

" _Ok_?" Dean parroted. He didn't want to believe what he just heard. He felt like he was about to be sick, the sudden spike of anticipation was making his stomach churn. But regardless, he never put on his shoes and coat faster than he did now, basically sprinting to the car and getting in before Jody could change her mind.

The drive to Castiel's house was tense. The closer they got the more edgy Dean felt. He started recognizing the streets, the shops, finally the road their little house was on. It still defied belief that this was actually happening. Then just like that they were parked in front of Castiel's old car. Jody steeled her features as she got out and motioned for Dean to follow. Her face was impassive and Dean scrambled after her, still afraid this was all gonna blow up in his face at any second.

He was bouncing on the balls of his feet, not able to stand still as Jody rang the doorbell. The door opened almost immediately. Dean's throat went dry as he set eyes on Cas for the first time in months. The man’s own eyes went straight past Jody, coming to rest on the teenager, a look of surprise and awe written all over his face.

"Dean!?" Castiel's voice quivered, he could not believe Dean was really here. His heart was about to leap out of his chest it was beating so hard. The boy looked exhausted. Big rings were under his eyes, like he hadn't slept in a long time. His hair was unkempt, longer than it used to be and he sported some light stubble. But it was still Dean, and he was here. Castiel stood frozen, wanting to just reach out and touch but not sure if that was appropriate with Jody being here and after all this time. If things between them had changed, well of course they had.

"Dean decided he wanted to see you. I am honoring his request." Jody prayed that she made the right call with this. Even if she had, it would be near impossible to explain this to John. But she would cross that bridge when it came to it. "I think you two have a lot to talk about. Castiel-" Jody fixed him with a calculating glare. "I trust you with Dean, and Dean, I trust you. Please do not make me regret my decision."

"Of course." Castiel replied, not caring that he was being rude as his eyes stayed fixed on Dean. Dean who still had not said a single word, but just kept staring, almost like he couldn't believe that this was real. Cas' heart ached for him. If he thought the last four months had been hard on him, it looked like they had been hell for Dean.

"Dean, I will pick you up tomorrow lunchtime, so we don't get back too late." Jody said. Dean briefly glanced at her with wide eyes, like he could not believe he would get to spend a whole 24 hours with Castiel, before nodding his head and disappearing into the house, the door closing behind him.

Jody got in the car and drove back to the motel. She hoped by god this would work out the way she was banking on. But just seeing the way these two looked at each other just now, seeing some light behind Dean's green eyes, the likes of which she had not seen in a long time, made her believe that she might have made the right call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really spent a lot of time in Jody's headspace, imagining how she (and kind of by approximation, I) would possibly deal with a situation like that, I just really hope I managed to convey her change of heart and attitude (and her confrontation with Cas) believably. Oh, and I really did not originally plan on ending it here and leaving you all hanging, but at over 8500 words I wasn't left with much of a choice. At least it will be all Dean and Cas in the next chapter.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so this chapter somehow turned into a 12000+ word giant, so after some deliberation I decided to split it, which means technically this slightly shorter chapter is just the first half. BUT it also means that there is another chapter ready to go in a day or two (once I made all the changes my beta suggested), so that's good news, I hope.
> 
> BTW, thanks for all the lovely reviews for the last chapter. Glad you all seemed to like Jody :) (also keep them coming, they always brighten my days and encourage me to keep going!)
> 
> I take it, you're all looking forward to finally having our guys back together again. There will be emotions!

Dean walked past Castiel and into the house, unable to take his eyes off the man. He was in a daze, couldn't even get his mouth to open to say something, anything at all. It all felt so surreal. His eyes briefly roamed his surroundings, he had remembered Cas' house differently, warmer somehow, yet at the same time it had an air of familiarity, home, about it. The man looked as spooked as Dean felt, gaze fixed on him as he closed the door behind them, shutting them away from the world. Dean had all but given up hope that this moment would ever happen and now here they were and he could feel himself starting to shake, unable to deal with any of it, internally scolding himself to just keep it the fuck together.

"Hey." Castiel said on an exhale, not very eloquently but still somehow managing to convey a myriad of emotions in the simple greeting, looking at Dean like he was scared that he would disappear at any moment. That vulnerable expressions stabbed Dean right in the heart.

"Cas," His voice cracked and it all became too much. All the stuffed away emotions, the shit he had locked up in a deep dark place inside of him, the shame and reality of how he had screwed up his life over these last few months hit him like a freight train. He did not want to cry but his body seemed to have a mind of its own as he felt his eyes well up, helpless to do anything but desperately try and swallow back a pitiful sob. But before the sound even managed to escape him, he felt himself being pulled in by strong arms.

"Hey, it is ok." Castiel whispered, breath hot against Dean's ear and Dean fell, buried his face in the crook of the man's neck and just held on as his body was wrecked with shivers.

Castiel could feel the tremors going through the body in his arms and tightened his hold on the teenager. He didn't quite know what he was expecting seeing Dean again. Even after Jody's insinuation that this might happen he had not wanted to allow himself to hope. He felt eternally grateful for this chance, at the same time overwhelmed to deal with it. He racked his brain for something to say, some comfort to offer but Dean was shaking so violently, he doubted that words would even get through to him. All he could do was hold him, trying not to lose it himself as he pulled Dean's face against his neck, working his fingers through the strands of hair at the back of his head. Long-winded explanations or confessions of any kind could come later, for now this would have to be enough, the physical reminder that he was here for Dean.

Castiel had no idea of long they stood there like that, clinging to one another. Dean eventually calmed down but still held on, burying his head harder into the crook of Cas' neck, like he wanted to crawl inside the man. He was afraid of letting go or of letting words break the weird serenity of the moment and. It appeared Cas was pretty much in the same boat. The man had to yet utter more than two words, but the way he engulfed Dean, stroked his hair and back while doing so, felt almost like a silent conversation, one Dean soaked up with every pore. It was like they both knew there was reality to face and it was obvious that neither of them was very keen on facing it just yet.

It was kind of funny that what eventually brought them back to the here and now was a distinct rumble of Dean's stomach. Yeah, he hadn't exactly eaten much over these last few days, didn't really feel like he would be able to keep much down. Even half of last night's burger had gone to waste. Apparently his stomach decided now was as good a time as any to stage a revolt.

"Hungry?" Cas' voice was a low rumble, lips moving gently against Dean's hairline in a delightful tickle that brought out another, this time decidedly more positive, body shudder in the younger man. Dean suddenly became very aware that they hadn't been doing much else other than holding each other, hadn't even felt the need for a kiss, and while he felt a sudden overwhelming urge to do just that, he hesitated, not sure whether he was allowed.

He finally lifted up his head from where it was nestled against Cas' neck, being met with the intense gaze of those blue eyes. Cas still looked at him like he was some kind of mirage. Dean could feel his insides flip-flopping as he held the man's gaze, still not quite feeling like himself, but it had been such a long time, he kind of didn't know what it was to feel like himself any more, or what it had felt like to be here, having Cas pressed against him, warm and comforting.

"Yeah." He simply replied. No point denying it, especially when his stomach growled again defiantly.

Cas smiled then, small but decidedly there, eyes crinkling up at the corners and Dean felt another pang of emotions race through him, a need to reach up and run his thumb over those fine lines that framed those gorgeous eyes. But again he refrained even as he felt his hand twitch.

"How about we go and get an early lunch? You remember that diner I took you to near campus?" Castiel suggested. He was not sure he would be able to eat much, but maybe by the time they got there his stomach would have decided otherwise, especially once the delicious smells would hit his senses.

Dean nodded. How could he ever forget that? It seemed like a lifetime ago, yet it held a firm place in his heart as the moment Cas turned from the friendly weird neighbor guy to something more, a friend, plus the food they served there was pretty awesome from what he remembered.

"You just want an excuse to have one of those burgers." He teased, for the first time since he got here allowing himself to relax just a tad.

"Guilty as charged." Castiel grinned slyly, making Dean's stomach lurch again. Shit, he had missed him so much.

"So?" Castiel enquired.

"Yes, sounds good." Dean agreed. Cas stepped away from him, fully detangling his limbs to get his shoes and wallet and Dean already missed the contact. Now standing here in the hallway, he suddenly couldn't help but feel self-conscious, that momentary calm all but vanished. He didn't really know what to do with himself. He knew was a mess, didn't need to look in the mirror to know that despite the prolonged scrub in the shower this morning he looked like crap. His hair was unkempt and too long, there were dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleeps and too many drunken endeavors, his clothes were old and more tattered than they used to be. He was well aware he had not paid much attention to such things as his appearance recently. But now, going out into the world with Cas, who despite the almost beard he had going on, looked put together and distinguished in his slacks and sweater, he couldn't help but wonder what a sight they would make. Questioned what Cas even still saw (or had ever seen) in him. He was just a loser, drop-out and no good borderline alcoholic, following perfectly in his old man's footsteps. No he was actually worse than his dad, soon he would have a criminal record, too. He had really fucked things up, and Cas being a professor (or as good as one) and all, probably could not even really associate with the likes of him. Funny how suddenly the age gap seemed to be the least of his worries.

The press of a warm hand on his shoulder brought him out of his little near freak-out. Cas was smiling at him, taking all of him in with those blue eyes that roamed freely over his face, like he was searching his soul. Looked at him like he was something special, someone to behold and Dean couldn't help but smile back despite feeling like he didn't deserve any of it.

They both appeared to get lost in each other's eyes for a moment, just taking their fill looking. Eventually Cas took his hand and gave it a firm comforting squeeze, Dean clutched it like a lifeline as Cas lead them out the front door where he promptly let go of his hand as they headed for the car. Dean bemoaned the loss, balling his hand into a fist instead. Still with the secrecy, always the keeping things on the down-low as soon as they were faced with the world. Dean knew that this was how it had to be, more for Cas' sake than his own, but he didn't have to like it.

The drive was quiet as was the short walk from the car to the diner. There were fleeting gazes between them, before one or both would quickly turn away, like they weren't allowed to even look. Castiel was vaguely aware that they probably should dial down the intensity of those stolen glances if they wanted to stay inconspicuous. Just he couldn't get himself to care enough to follow through with that thought, despite being well known on campus and in the diner. The server was there the instant they walked through the door, greeting Castiel like an old friend and showing them to a small table at the back. She knew his order off by heart, not bothering to hand him a menu, and Dean declined the one that was held out to him and just ordered the same.

They sat opposite each other, both occupying themselves with studying the pattern on the walls, smiling up politely as the waitress placed down their coffees in front of them. Once or twice Dean thought Cas was about to say something, heard the slightly deeper intake of a breath, like the man prepared himself for something, but ultimately he was just met with more silence. Dean could feel himself starting to fidget. The longer this quiet lasted the more uncomfortable he got. This was nothing like it used to be between them. Despite their ups and downs there had always been a kind of underlying easiness and understanding to their interactions. Now it was like there was a ten foot wall between them. Like both were too scared to be the first to break this dreadful stalemate, the four months of radio silence weighing them down.

Dean ended up being locked away in his own head, which was never a good place to be. He was halfway on the way to convincing himself that Cas was just looking for the right words to end things with him. What else could his awkward demeanor mean, what else was there? Dean had brought him nothing but grief, and he hadn't done himself any favors with his recent irrational and destructive behavior. He was sure Jody must have told his older friend about the highlights of the crap he had gotten up to. Most likely he was just a big disappointment to Cas, just like he was to everyone else. He mindlessly slurped down half of his coffee in one go. It was still hot enough to burn but he didn't care and somehow managed to successfully suppress the cough that was working its way up his throat.

Dean chanced a look at Cas when he was just about to burst and damn, the man couldn't even get himself to meet his eyes. Not helped by the rampant thoughts in his head, Dean could feel his temper starting to bubble away under the surface, settling nicely next the healthy dose of anxiety that had already taken root. He just needed something to happen, get Cas to acknowledge him even if it was in a negative context.

"So, this is where you gonna try to talk some sense into me?" Dean huffed, trying to go for casual conversation, but instead sounded all defensive and apprehensive, as he clutched his hands tight under the table.

"What?" Castiel's eyes snapped up, locking with Dean's own, and not liking what he saw there. He had been lost in his thoughts, again trying and failing to come up with the right thing to say. There were too many things on his mind, things he desperately wanted to say. He had never been good at sorting emotions out in his own head, definitely not when put on the spot. He was searching for a light-hearted opening, something to put Dean at ease, both of them really. He had felt the exhaustion in the teenager earlier as he held him, both physically and mentally. Moreso, he himself just needed a bit more time to adjust, to process the fact that Dean was really here with him and what to do with that fact. He suddenly realized how that silence could be understood as him being uncomfortable being around Dean. And in a way he was but not for the reason the teenager probably assumed. Castiel knew he needed to address what had happened in Dean's life but just felt that now would not be the right time. Not while Dean was still on edge and looked like he could do with at least a whole day's worth of sleep.

He fixed Dean with his eyes, searching that beautiful face for any indication what was going on inside his head. Dean held his gaze but the nerves were clearly imprinted on his face.

"Do you want me to? Would that help?" He simply stated, leaving the choice up to Dean, not wanting to push him, but the teenager had opened up that line of conversation with his question.

Dean felt put on the spot by that gaze and averted his eyes, staring at his hands that were twisting in his lap. He wanted to talk- but not at the same time. God, he couldn't even sort his own head out. He was scared by the prospect of what might be said. He looked up, his gaze meeting Cas' once more, feeling at a loss of what to say. "I don't know." He eventually said meekly but truthfully.

Castiel's heart melted a little at the lost look in the boy's face, nudging him gently with his leg, the first physical contact he allowed them since they left the house. "We don't have to talk now, or we could talk about whatever you want. It is your call. I just want to say this." Castiel pressed his leg harder against Dean, really all he could do despite wanting to clutch his hand to really get his full attention. "I _know_ you Dean, know how things affect you more than you would care to admit. _And_ I trust you to make the right decisions- in time. We all take detours and make mistakes and it is ok not to have it all figured out. I know that for a fact!" A small wistful tug at his lips graced Cas' face at those words. He definitely knew about making poor choices. "But for now, I'd rather just enjoy our time together, if that is something you might want. But whenever you want to talk, know I will be here."

Dean let out the breath he wasn't even aware he had been holding, some of the strain leaving him as he looked up at Cas through his lashes, for the first time feeling an honest smile pulling at the corners of this mouth. Cas still got him, and he didn't hold his failings against him. Dean felt like he could breathe again, maybe even breathe properly for the first time in months.

"I'd like that." He said with a lopsided grin, his emotional rollercoaster continuing, as anxiety quickly made way to nervous anticipation. "I mean- spending time with you, and maybe later-" Dean left the sentence hanging unfinished between them. He knew they would have to talk, about what happened and also about what was going to happen after tomorrow, but for now he was here with Cas, something he had not believed to be possible all but 48 hours ago, and he'd be damned if he would let his nerves get in the way.

Castiel returned the grin, it was small, barely more than an upward tug at the ends of his mouth, but it was honest and open. He had always found Dean's smiles to be rather infectious. He underlined the emotion with another press of his leg against the teenager's, well aware that in terms of open affection, this was the most he could allow himself as the display was fairly well hidden from view. This time Dean pressed back, sinking just a little bit lower in his seat to allow his leg to come to rest properly between Cas', feeling the warmth of the man's legs seep into his own.

They stayed like that while eating their food and finishing off their coffees. There still was a silence between them as neither said much more than commenting on the quality of the food, only now it was broken up by he occasional smile and fond looks. It felt more real, more like what used to be between them. The small connection, that small press of legs in the privacy of their own little corner, was a constant reminder that they were here together.

It was just after one when they left the diner, walking back towards Castiel's car across campus. It was busier now than earlier and a few people greeted Castiel and he nodded in return. Dean was very aware that he should keep his distance, this was Cas' domain after all, and after everything he'd put him through already he didn't need people talking about him here as well.

On arrival Castiel was hovering and made no indication that he intended to get inside the vehicle. Dean raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"Where to now?" the man asked, sounding borderline nervous, endearing in a way that Dean had always loved about him, that had drawn him to Cas. Dean looked skyward then, squinting against the sunlight. It was a bright, albeit rather breezy day, a few white fluffy clouds made their way across an otherwise blue sky. The whole setup had a tinge of unreal to it, colors too bright, and sunlight too warm on his face, the likes of which he hadn't felt in a long time. Dean had thought that if he would get the chance to see Cas again he'd knew exactly what he wanted to do. He had dam well spent most of last night running through endless scenarios in his head. Yet now that he was here, he was at a loss. Not sure where exactly they stood with each other and their relationship, what would be acceptable, knowing they would need to talk about this- _more_ stuff they needed to talk about and that he'd rather not. He looked over at Cas, putting on what he hoped was a convincing smile as he shrugged his shoulders in a 'whatever you want to do is fine by me' kind of way.

Cas appeared to be pondering the situation for a moment, eyes flitting between Dean and the surroundings, looking up at the sky before coming to rest on the teenager again. "I think it is a nice day to drive up to the lake, what do you think?"

"Yeah- yeah we could do that." Dean was quick to agree. It sounded as good a plan as any. He had only been there once, taking Sammy on a particularly hot summer's day because he had mercilessly begged him to. Mundane things like enjoying the view or going on walks hadn't been really one of his priorities in the business that generally was his life. Plus cash for such adventures had always been in short supply. Even buying Sammy an ice-cream that one time meant they had to make due with 'butter pasta' for three days in a row. But from what he remembered it was nice place.

It took them a while to get there, the busy afternoon traffic slowing them down, and it took Cas almost as long again to find a space to park, apparently the whole of Chicago had decided to descend on the lake on one of the first nice days of the year.

They walked along the lakefront in companionable silence. Dean had to zip up his jacket against the breeze, feeling a chill slowly working through his body despite the best efforts of the sun to counteract the effect of the wind. Cas must have picked up on it as a moment later Dean felt the man wrap his scarf securely around his neck, then tugging it into the collar of his jacket. Dean was taken aback for a second by the gentle and thoughtful act, a protest already half formed on his lips that he didn't need mollycoddling. Hadn't needed it for a long time, he was almost a grown man after all. But something stopped him. Cas sparing his comfort any thought, the clear affection in the act made him feel warm and gooey inside. Cas used to be able to do that to him, and apparently that hadn't changed. He realized how much he had missed Cas' affection. Maybe that was why in the end he simply accepted the scarf and smiled his thanks as they carried on walking amongst the throng of people.

After some time Dean felt Cas tug at his sleeve, puling him along towards a bench overlooking the water. Dean went willingly, their knees bumping as they sat down. Cas leant forward and rested his elbows on his legs; his gaze traveling out over the water. Dean mimicked the stance, his own gaze looking out across the lake. It seemed to stretch out before him endlessly, the blue water shimmering and reflecting the sunlight, giving it all a surreal calm despite the hustle and bustle of the people around them. The motion enthralled him, he let it draw him in as his thoughts began to wander, and his breathing leveled out. He felt a calm wash over him he hadn't felt in months, possibly a lot longer than that.

"I hate him." Dean sucked in a breath and stiffened as soon as those words had left his mouth. He had no idea where they even came from. He had decidedly not thought about his dad just now, and he wasn't even sure they were the actual truth. Despite everything, his dad was still his dad; it was more like he desperately wanted, needed, to hate him, because he was to blame for all of this. He was painfully aware of Cas' eyes on him, but couldn't get to turn to meet the man's gaze. There was stuff that just wanted to spill out and he was not sure he was ready for that to happen.

Castiel was surprised by Dean's sudden outburst but he had a feeling that there were things Dean just needed to get off his chest, that he hadn't really been able or willing to say before. Not giving the people around them any thought Castiel reached out and took hold of Dean's hand and gave it a gentle supportive squeeze, tracing his thumb along the wrist in a back and forth motion.

Dean was startled out of his thoughts by the unexpected contact, peering down at Cas' hands in his. It was such an open and affectionate gesture, he instinctively wanted to retract his hand, keep them and their secret safe from the world, just he couldn't get himself to move. It had been too long, he had missed, craved the older man's touch. He hadn't allowed himself to feel this need, one of the many things he had buried, but now he couldn't stop the longing. The day was starting to wear on him. He sighed and squeezed back, holding on like he was scared Cas would let go. When the man didn't, Dean allowed himself to relax, shifting his gaze back out over the lake.

"I- Things were good, real good. For the first time in fucking years we- Sam and I didn't have to worry so much, and I was-, and then he had to- just take it all away. Pretending to suddenly give a crap, deciding he knows best. What we wanted didn't even matter. What even gave him the fucking right all of a sudden?" It came spilling out of him then, the anger and frustration at having been treated like a child, at not having been heard. And he still felt an overwhelming rage over the things his old man had said, accused Cas off.

Dean turned to face the other man, voice breaking. "Cas I- I never- I didn't rat you out or anything, I was just stupid and- my dad found my phone and-" Dean's voice shook. That was the crux of it, the fear he had harbored and tried to push down all these months, that Cas would somehow blame him, thought he had willingly divulged the actual state of their relationship or how far it had progressed.

"I know, I know." Castiel said reassuringly, gripping Dean's hand tighter, smiling at him warmly. He never had had any doubt about Dean's loyalty, had experienced it first hand with regards to his younger brother. Though it was a weight he had never wanted Dean to bear, this secret of theirs. It was just the paradox of their relationship, that in order to have one, they had to keep it a secret. Their current circumstances were proof of that.

"God, he doesn't even know _you_ , and the things he said- about you- I just was- am so fucking angry, and there was nothing- there IS nothing I can do, just try and suck it up, but I _can't_ do that!" Dean heaved a sigh.

Castiel gripped Dean's hand tighter, the tormented tone in the teenager's words cutting him like a knife. He wondered whether Dean actually knew about the call he had received from John all those months ago, but doubted that to be the case. He had a very good idea of the kind of things John would have accused him off and a part of him still struggled to not associate with those, at least to a degree. At face value the evidence would always be stacked against him. And there were a lot of things he could and did blame John Winchester for, mainly neglecting his children while not willing to sort out his own head, but honestly, if the situation had been reversed, Castiel wondered whether he would have been quick to judge too.

"Was that why you- you know, did the stuff you did?" Cas prodded gently.

"Guess so," Dean huffed with an accompanying shoulder shrug. "It was- damn, I feel so stupid, but when I am drunk at least I don't need to think, don't feel like I want to constantly punch him or run away- consequences be damned. Not that I could have done that anyway."

Cas nodded in understanding and Dean was eternally grateful that he left it at that, didn't probe, and didn’t question him further. He had a feeling that right now he wouldn't deal too well with an actual lecture, or even some comforting platitudes. Now that he was removed from his reality back in Sioux Falls, he could see how stupid he had been, how reckless, and a pang of guilt hit him at the thought of the extra stress he must have put Sammy through. After all, he hadn't been the only one who suffered, and he hadn't been there for his brother to help him through his own crap.

They fell silent once more, staring out at the lake while still holding hands; Dean grew bolder and interlinked their fingers when the world around them hadn't caved in or come to a standstill. No one was paying them any particular attention as they sat there next to one another.

"You know- I'll be seventeen in a few months." He blurted out, another one of those random thoughts that apparently needed to be voiced.

"Mhh-" Cas hummed turning to face Dean, curious where this new train of thought was leading him.

"Just- then my dad can't tell us what to do any more. We can see each other without putting you in danger and-" Cas' continued silence was making Dean nervous and he cut himself off, changing direction of what he wanted to say. "I mean, if that's still is what you want, or-"

"Dean," Castiel interrupted before the teenager could work himself up into frenzy. He basically radiated uncertainty all of a sudden. He turned to look at him, squinting his eyes against the sunlight. "Of course I still want this- _you_ , never doubt that. But we have to think this through. Yes, soon we can see each other without fear of direct consequences, but there will still be a stigma attached because of our age gap, made worse by the fact that we are two guys, _and_ until you're eighteen your father still is your legal guardian and you cannot just up and leave- also Sammy." He wanted to add Dean' schooling as well but he knew that would be one of the least things on Dean's mind right now.

"Damn, I know! I won't just leave Sammy, but my dad can't forbid me to be in contact with you or you to come and see me and we can- I don't know." Dean huffed in frustration. He wanted this so much, yet even once he passed that wonderful magical number, because of the way his dad had fucked things up, he still might end up not having this, having Cas, at least not in the way he'd hoped for.

"Hey, no need to try and figure it all out today. I am not going anywhere." Castiel nudged Dean's shoulder gently with his.

Dean looked up at Cas with hopeful eyes. "Promise?" It didn't even matter if Cas was telling the truth or not, he just needed to hear him say it.

"Yes." Castiel confirmed, taking Dean's hand between both of his. "I promise." Dean felt like he wanted to smile and cry at the same time. In the end his face contorted into something in-between that couldn't have been pretty but the way Cas smiled back at him was all he needed in that moment.

A sudden shiver worked through Dean's body, decidedly breaking the moment. He hadn't realize how cold he had gotten. "Not that's is not nice here but- I'm starting to fucking freeze, can we go back now?"

"Of course." Castiel conceded easily. He pulled Dean up by his hand and not letting go of it they slowly made their way back to the car. If there was the odd glance in their direction, Castiel chose to ignore it. It might just as likely be from seeing two men holding hands as from the fact that at face value they made quite a mismatched pair. It was rather unlikely that someone would outright stop them demanding to know the age of the person whose hand he was holding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're all looking forward to the second half of the chapter now!


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to leave this here as promised... (really, this is the continuation of the last chapter, it's all still happening on the same day. I probably could have edited this scene into oblivion but I think I reached a stage where I wouldn't be improving it any longer!)
> 
> This might be a good time to remind people of the tags (underage! I'm just being preemptive here, I'm sure you wouldn't be here if this bothered you) and the M rating. In short, stuff is going to happen in this chapter. Also, I am never quite sure where to draw the line between M and E, but for now am quite content to keep the fic M rated. 
> 
> And while I'm mostly an equal opportunist with regards to most things sexual between D/C , I know some people have definite preferences or at least would like to get a little head's up beforehand. If that's you, I refer you to the notes at the end.

It was late afternoon when Castiel pulled up in front of his house. Dean seemed lost in his thoughts and Castiel caught him glancing wistfully across the street. He knew exactly where the teenager's gaze was rested on.

"The Roberts live there now. One kid and another on the way. Met Mrs. Roberts once. They seem like nice people."

Dean let out a low rumble of acknowledgment while scrutinizing his old home. The house had a new coat of paint, new windows and a new front door. Somehow it felt wrong seeing it like that, like all remnants of the Winchesters ever having been there had been methodically stripped away. He felt like with the loss of the house, he finally had to let go of that last tether that connected him to his mother. They had been happy there once, a lifetime ago. Dean heaved a sigh.

"It is not quite the same without you here," Castiel teased and nudged Dean's shoulder in an attempt to try and ease some of the tension that he couldn't help but notice had seeped back into him.

"Yeah, well- I'm awesome." Dean chuckled, happily taking the bait, feeling some of the heaviness lift off his shoulders as he smiled across at the older man before they both got out of the car. He chanced one final look over his shoulder at what by all rights still should be his family home, and then followed Castiel into the house. He hovered inelegantly in the hallway just like earlier, feeling himself tense up again. God, he just needed to chill the fuck out. He had been here so many times, it used to be like a second home to him, and he should be able to keep it together for like five minutes. Cas must have heard his grumblings or seen it written on his face, as he advanced on him with purpose, gripping his shoulder with strong hands and fixing him with that mesmerizing stare as he told him in no uncertain terms that this was his home, too. The man underlined this with a chaste kiss to his cheek before excusing himself to use the bathroom.

A weird mix of calm and excitement washed over Dean in that moment. He smiled as he watched the retreating form of Cas, for the first time since he got here this morning allowing himself to just look, taking in all of the man, from his sharp features, slightly hidden under that scruff, to the way his body moved, strong but with a hint of fluidity to it. It finally hit him that this was real, he was in fact here and not stuck in some alcohol induced hallucination, and he just wanted to follow Cas up the stairs and wrap him up in his arms and never let go again. Dean felt the lingering phantom touch of those lips, bringing his hand up and brushing over the spot with his thumb. Still, he should probably wait for Cas to return. He looked around the place and for a lack of anything better to do walked into the kitchen, where he started preparing some coffee. He had missed the taste of Cas' special variety of coffee beans and only hoped he still remembered the way to prepare it and that Cas hadn't changed the way he liked it.

When Castiel entered the kitchen Dean had two steaming mugs of coffee waiting. He accepted the offered beverage with a smile and another peck on Dean's cheek and Dean's mind went 'Fuck it' as he put his mug down and wrapped himself around the older man.

"Woah!" Castiel exclaimed with a low chuckle, the coffee in his mug sloshing dangerously close to the rim. Without looking he reached around Dean, hoping the mug would hit the counter as he placed it down before pulling the boy in.

"Missed you so friggin' much." Dean breathed into the crook of Cas' neck where he currently had his face buried against. Had he told Cas yet? He couldn't remember, but even if he had, it was worth repeating.

"You're here now." Castiel simply replied, kissing the top of Dean's head. "Hey-" He added as he moved his head back just enough to be able to reach the teenager's face with one of his hands. He gently cupped his jaw, getting Dean to meet his gaze. They were basically the same height now and Dean fit perfectly in his arms, he couldn't help but notice. Castiel's breath hitched at the way Dean was staring back at him, not even trying to mask all the emotions that he could keep hidden so expertly behind those green eyes if he chose to do so.

Dean's heart was beating at a frantic rate. God, he had forgotten that the Cas could do that to him with just a look. He licked his lips in anticipation while not taking his eyes off of Cas', just wanting contact, some physical connection so badly.

Castiel traced the motion as his eyes briefly flicked down to Dean's lips and then up at his eyes again. Then finally, Dean felt the brush of slightly too dry lips against his own, accompanied by the scratch of too long stubble, and he closed his eyes, wanting to just experience the touch and taste, wondering why the hell they had waited until now to do this. Cas' hand was still on his chin as he kept kissing him, running his tongue across the seam of his lips, having Dean shudder, before he pulled back. Dean opened his eyes, a protest ready on his lips, but then Cas brushed his thumb over his lips, swiping across the trace of moisture he left there and Dean was stunned into silence, fisting his hands in the back of Cas' shirt, and grinning like an absolute lunatic and not giving a shit about it.

"The coffee is getting cold." Castiel smirked as he reached around Dean, picking up his mug again. "We should not let your efforts go to waste." Dean laughed at that and picked up his own, taking Cas' free hand with his own, letting his thumb run across the warm skin of his palm, willing his stomach to calm down.

"TV?" Castiel asked and Dean agreed, no point just standing in the kitchen and nursing their drinks. They made their way over to the living room where they got comfortable on the couch, Dean kicking his feet up on the coffee table as Castiel reached for the remote, neatly arranged on said table. It was all so very Cas yet it felt off. Like everything was too clean and too in order, even for Cas' standards. Obviously the touch of the Winchesters was missing. Dean's stomach clenched uneasily at that thought. Better not think about shit like that now. Instead he focused on his coffee and rested his head against Cas' shoulder, watching the man flick through the channels. It took a while and some light-hearted banter, but eventually they found a movie they both could agree on, their feet nudging each other ever so often.

They were halfway through the movie when Castiel could feel Dean start to drop off. He was resting heavy against his shoulder, body going slack to the point where he had to take the mug out of the teenager's hand for fear of him spilling the remainder of the coffee all over the couch. Castiel bumped Dean gently with his leg, earning him a grumble from the boy.

"I think you could do with some sleep." He stated bluntly, but with a gentle undertone.

"But 's not even night." Dean protested without opening his eyes. "'M good here." He snuggled his head further into Cas' shoulder.

"How about a nap then before dinner?"

"You gonna be there?" Dean mumbled.

"I think that can be arranged. Come on." Castiel got up and pulled Dean up after him, leading him up the stairs and into his bedroom. "This will be more comfortable than contorting ourselves into pretzels on the couch."

Dean chuckled tiredly. Really, if he wasn't feeling so bone crushingly tired he would have probably gotten very excited at the prospect of sharing Cas' bed. As it was, he barely managed to crawl under the blankets and wrap himself around the man once he had climbed in after him, before sleep took him.

Dean woke up, feeling disoriented. It took him a moment to realize where he was and to let the events of the day catch up with him. He was in Cas' bed and more importantly, the man in question was nestled against him, a warm presence against his back. The slow, steady exhales tickling the short hairs at his neck. He turned over and watched Cas' sleeping form, just about able to make out his features in the twilight. He wondered briefly what time it was before focusing on the man again. He felt a sudden urge to touch and brought his hand up, stroking gently through the dark scruff on Cas' face, pondering whether the man was actually going to grow a full on beard. Dean let his mind wander to what that would look like. Would it suit Cas? How would kissing him feel like then? As it was, the scruff currently was just the right side of scratchy and Dean felt a pull, an urgent need to feel it against his skin again, his lips more precisely. He closed the short distance and placed his lips over Cas', giving him a gentle closed mouth kiss. The man grumbled something unintelligible, before his eyes opened and Dean found tired, slightly dazed blue eyes gaze at him. He could feel Cas' lips curve into a smile under his and that was enough encouragement for him to move in closer still, wrapping himself properly around the man and deepening the kiss.

Castiel's hands shot out, one finding its way into Dean's hair, while the other grabbed hold of Dean's shirt, pulling him closer. Dean leaned into the touch at the back of his head, while trying not to break the contact of their lips, sucking Cas' bottom lip into his mouth, followed by little nips that had the man moan in appreciation. The next few minutes were just a whirlwind of tongues and hands, both carried away by the sudden desire to feel more. Dean all but rolled on top of Cas, while kissing and licking his way past the scruffy jaw down the neck, ending up with his lips pressed against Cas' collarbone.

Castiel slanted his head to the side, granting Dean easier access, the way those lips felt against his skin, was overwhelming. It had been so long, he had near convinced himself that he would never get to feel them again, and he just couldn't get enough. He pulled and tugged at Dean's hair, urging him on for more, for anything he was able to give him.

"Cas-" Dean whimpered, lapping at the red mark he just sucked into the man's skin. "Please-" he begged as he brought his lips back up, hungrily colliding with Cas' own.

"What?" Cas panted into the kiss. "Tell me."

"Oh god-" Dean pressed his face against Cas' chest, trying to hide the way his face flushed red with embarrassment, feeling it rise and fall as well as the rapid beat of the man's heart. He generally was a guy of action, not of words. He sure as hell was not used to voice _these_ kind of things. Even the few times he had gotten somewhere with girls, it was generally not by talking about the ins and outs of it first, but by just going with the flow. But he vividly remembered the last time he and Cas had been like this, all those enticing words that had been whispered against his ear as the man slowly took him apart. Dean remembered it like it was yesterday! _That_ was what he wanted to experience, and he knew there was only one way to make sure he might get exactly that. He had to _actually_ ask for it. So pushing any embarrassment, as well as lingering issues of age or whether they should be doing this at all, to one side, he found his voice. If he didn't ask now, they might not even get another chance like this.

"I want- you remember that time- what you said- I'd- I want that."

He could feel Cas go rigid under him as he took in a labored breath. Dean held his own in anticipation, afraid he might have just ruined the moment. Cas looked up at him, and Dean could see it written all over the man's face, the internal struggle he was going through, the uncertainty and reservations as he scrutinized Dean with his stare. But just as Dean was about to brush it off, say he didn't really mean it, that Cas should not worry, he felt himself being grabbed around his waist and tossed onto his back. He yelped in surprise, staring up at the man who now was hovering above him. Dean's breath hitched. That look of apprehension was replaced by one of hunger, the likes of which Dean had not seen from Cas before. It made his stomach flutter in anticipation, sparks zinging through his spine straight down to his groin.

"Yes, ok." Castiel wheezed, already sounding breathless, as he looked down at Dean, slowly letting his eyes rake over the teenager's face, then down his neck and chest, finally following the trail further down to Dean's crotch where the outline of his erection was obvious through his jeans.

Dean could feel himself grow hot, skin flushed and crawling with nervous energy, but he never wanted Cas to stop. No one had ever looked at him like that. He needed more, wanted for the man to finally touch him. For real, not through layers and layers but skin to skin.

" _Cas_ -" Dean didn't care if he sounded desperate.

Cas straddled him then, as he kept taking him apart with his gaze alone. Dean sighed as he reveled in the weight of the body on top of him. He pushed himself up on his elbows trying to capture those delicious lips in another kiss, having to strain his neck to close that final distance.

Castiel groaned into the contact, then kissed back, letting his tongue trail the outline of Dean's lips, before pushing him back down.

Dean watched with wide eyes, chest heaving as Cas was beginning to move, bringing his hands up, briefly resting them on Dean's chest and tracing his fingers across the fabric of his shirt, before slowly, reverently starting to unbutton it. Dean arched his back up and into the movement, desperate to just feel the man's hands on him already. Cas was going all too slow for his liking, methodically like he did most things in life, and Dean whined in frustration, which at least earned him another kiss.

Castiel was sure he was going insane. He could not remember ever having wanted anything, or anyone, this much. In that split second a moment (or a lifetime) ago, there had been two paths laid out before him, he had seen them clearly. The sensible one, the one he should have taken, and the one where he could just follow what his heart desired. In the end it hadn't been a hard decision to make, not when Dean had looked at him with such open fondness and yearning. Having him here, under him, frantically urging him on was more, better, than Castiel had ever imagined, even in his wildest fantasies. He had a hard time to keep his hands from trembling as he undid the buttons, one by one. If he moved any faster he would start fumbling, also he wanted this to last, remember every second of it, have it seared into his brain for the 'after' that would soon enough catch up with them.

"Up." Castiel instructed as he pushed the shirt past Dean's shoulders, then tugged on his t-shirt, nudging it up the teenager's torso. Dean had never scrambled up to a sitting position so fast in his life. Castiel pulled the garments off and Dean fell back onto the bed, eyes never leaving the other man's.

"Cas-" he hissed in elation when he finally felt those hands against his skin. Cas' fingers were skimming down his chest, circling his nipples before moving further down, where he splayed them across his stomach, pressing down ever so gently against the softness there.

"You're so- beautiful." Castiel near whispered, taking in every last detail of the body under him. Freckles were sprinkled across Dean's shoulders and chest. He leaned in, placing gentle kisses and nips along their trail, having Dean moan and whimper in appreciation.

"God, Cas- _please_." Dean ground his hips up against Cas', already desperate for friction of any kind. His jeans were painfully tight, confining him in a most maddening way.

"Shh-" The man shushed him. "Remember, I said I would take my time." He whispered against Dean's skin, the brush of air and lips having Dean come out in goose bumps even as a frustrated whine escaped him.

"You gonna kill me here," he grunted, biting on his bottom lip, before canting his hips up again, as Cas' deft fingers dipped inside the waistband of his jeans. "Oh god-" Dean couldn't help the moan escaping him, the anticipation making his stomach twist itself into one giant knot. He had to hold on to something, hands scrambling on the bed as Cas was just out of reach unless Dean would push himself up, something he was completely incapable of doing in his current state. All he could grab was a handful of the sheets, and Dean bunched them up in his hands, clinging to them for dear life.

Castiel could feel his heart skip a beat at the way Dean reacted to his fingers brushing against the skin hidden just below his waistband. He had had no idea someone could be this responsive to something as simple as touch, this in turn made him hyperaware of every action, no matter how small that he administered. He could not keep his hands from trembling any longer as he traced his thumbs across the skin just at the edge of Dean's jeans, before coming to rest on his button. He hesitated for a moment, locking eyes with Dean, who was breathing heavily and canted his hips up in silent invitation, his erection brushing against Cas' own through the layers.

Dean gazed at Cas with hooded eyes, repeating the motion with more conviction this time, and finally, _fucking_ finally Cas seemed to lose it, if the sudden intake of breath and a barely held back uncharacteristically 'Fuck' was an indication. Dean's head fell back against the mattress, and he had to close his eyes and take a few steadying breaths. As it was he was already dangerously close to coming. He knew it wouldn't take much more.

Castiel made quick work of the button and zipper, shimmying down Dean's legs, taking the jeans and his boxers with him before pulling them off of Dean and discarding them somewhere on the floor. There was a sudden urgency to him. Dean could feel it through the way the man kissed his way back up his legs, pushing them apart just slightly as he kissed the inside of his thighs, and Dean started to tremble.

Dean was too out of it to even be bothered or concerned by the fact that this was the first time someone had seen him completely naked like that. Too aroused to worry about what a picture he must make right now. It said something about the way he trusted Cas that he could just let his barriers down so completely, for the first time in months just feeling, not thinking, worrying or being angry at the world.

"Cas- please." He pleaded. Those were apparently the only words he was still capable of forming. Cas attached his lips to a particular sensitive spot on his left thigh, just short of where Dean really, really needed him to be. But then he started to suck at said spot, and a sharp pin prick like pain shot through Dean, but god, it felt good.

The next thing he was conscious of was Cas mouthing at the base of his erection. Dean jerked and gulped in a big breath of air. "Oh fuck- Imma-" he whimpered and Cas removed his mouth just that little bit too early to push him over the edge. Dean let out a multitude of barely audible curses under his breath, as his fists white-knuckled around the sheets.

Castiel looked up the length of Dean's body. He needed a moment to take it all in, and calm himself. Dean looked absolutely stunning, face flushed, mouth parted, small needy gasps escaping him and Castiel had real trouble holding it together. He had no idea how much longer he could keep Dean on edge, but there was still so much more to do, to explore. He was faintly aware that he was still fully clothed, but this was not about him, not really. This was about getting to know Dean, what made him tick, to make him feel good.

He kissed Dean's hipbone, licked his way up to his belly button before slowly making his way back down, placing a gentle teasing lick across the top of Dean's straining cock. There was a loud groan then, and Castiel for the life of him couldn't say if the sound came from Dean or himself. One of his hands stroked up and around Dean's thigh, instinctively etching towards his ass, until he had one of the cheeks in a firm grasp in his hand as he licked over the head again.

"Oh fuck- _Caaas_! Please- Want to feel you- inside."

Castiel froze where he was, kneeled between Dean's spread legs, panting heavily. Dean's eyes flew open once he registered the sudden lack of movement, his brain trying to rewind to what he just said.

"Dean, I-" Castiel's voice shook, broke off before he could finish.

Dean was vaguely aware of the bridge this would be crossing, but he wanted, had wanted this for such a long time, longer probably than he could ever admit out loud to Cas.

" _Please_ ," He lifted his head, trying to meet Cas' gaze.

"I can't - we shouldn't-" Castiel replied feebly, his pulse beating like a loud drum in his ears. He had to try and stay in control, at least to some degree. Couldn't allow himself to get lost completely.

Dean groaned, lifting himself up on his elbows. The craving to feel Cas in all the ways possible gave him a newfound courage. "Look at me, please!" He begged. "I- you said you trust me, then _trust_ me. I really want this. I'm old enough to know that I do! If you don't want to that's fine- but don't just- because you're trying to protect me or something." Dean had no idea he was still able to string that many words together. He held his breath as he waited for Cas to process his little speech.

Castiel swallowed, so hard he almost choked on the gulp of air, having to cough to clear his airways. God he was so tempted, but despite whether Dean really knew what he wanted, was _he_ ready to give it to him? Would he be able to live with himself after? There were things on his mind, stuff he didn't know about Dean. They haven't had that kind of discussion yet, never really needed to until now. It was something that was not supposed to be an issue until later. He took a steadying breath, gently gripping Dean's hips as he straightened up.

"Have you ever even-" And why was he pushing this further?

" _No_ , of course not." Dean was quick to protest; almost hurt that Cas could even think he would have let anyone else do this to him.

"That was not quite what I meant." Castiel clarified. "I meant to ask whether you ever even had- you know- anything up there." He could feel himself heat up. Talking openly about sex was still hard for him. With Amelia things just had evolved to the stage of actual sex organically and with Alan, they did talk about it, but again not in great detail. At the time, Castiel had stated his still getting used to the whole aspect of gay sex in his defense. But now, there really were no excuses, plus this was Dean, and Castiel would never want to push him into anything.

Dean gulped at the question, feeling a renewed heat in his cheeks. He was sure his complexion was quickly turning an impressive shade of red. He suddenly felt stupidly inadequate, uneducated. Why hadn't he experimented more? "I- erm, not really, I- um- used a finger or two sometimes when I- you know-"

Castiel felt a surge of affection for the teenager as he fumbled for words, as well as a spike of arousal at the thought of Dean fingering himself. It was too much. His head fell forward with a groan, coming to rest against Dean's chest. He just needed a moment to collect himself. Dean's hands found their way into his hair, fingers stroking through it. "Cas- you're ok?", he stuttered, voice laced with worry.

Castiel looked up then, another wave of arousal hitting him at the sight. He shuffled up a bit to meet Dean's lips in a deep kiss, trying to mask his internal turmoil. "I-" he panted after a moment. "I could- if you really wanted to- we should just take it slow, I- could finger you for a bit, see if you enjoy it." He stumbled over the words as they left his mouth. He was equally petrified and excited by the prospect of this. He only hoped he would manage to do this right should Dean agree, never really having done this kind of fingering before. He did not want to accidentally hurt Dean.

" _Yes_ -" Dean replied so fast, it was almost comically needy. But he just wanted to avoid the chance of Cas changing his mind. He was starting to feel dizzy, his heart pumping so hard, it was practically trying to burst out of his ribcage.

"Ok, yes- we can- Oh-" Castiel stopped in his tracks.

"What?" Dean enquired, an urgency and desperation behind that one word.

"I have no- we would need some lube or something." he said and Dean grunted as his head fell back. _No_ , this was not happening. No way, they would not be able to do this because of fucking stupid supplies.

"Damn, there must be _something_ -" He grumbled defiantly.

"There- I might have some Vaseline in the bathroom cupboard. Let me check." Castiel was about to get off the bed, when Dean grabbed him round the wrist.

"No, I'll go." He offered and before Cas could protest he was up and out the door, again the focus on the task at hand stopped him from being concerned with his nakedness. Dean had an ulterior motive for volunteering. He was going to have Cas' fingers up there and he just needed to make sure that everything was in order, otherwise he wouldn't be able to enjoy this, he was nervous enough as it was. He found the pot of Vaseline after a short rummage through the cupboard, then went over to the sink where he picked up a washcloth and after wetting it, gave himself a quick wipe down and clean back where it mattered.

He was basically vibrating with anticipation as he walked back into the room, Cas was lying on the bed, eyes closed, almost like he was sleeping. Dean's eyes roamed greedily over the man, suddenly needing him out of those clothes. He sat down on the side of the bed, tugging at Cas' shirt.

"Too many clothes." He grumbled. "'S not fair."

Castiel chuckled as he sat up, eyes locking with Dean for a brief second before he started to level the playing field by pulling off his sweater and undershirt, followed quickly by his slacks and finally his boxer briefs. All the time he felt those gorgeous green eyes on him, roaming over every new bit of exposed skin, his body responding by sending sparks like lightning bolts up and down his spine. He tried hard to ignore his own erection, as he focused back on Dean.

"How we're going to-,” Cas wondered out loud, as his hands gently traced over Dean's shoulders and down his arms, coming to rest on the teenager's wrists, were he felt the rapid beat of his pulse. Dean swallowed back the sudden flutter of nerves, eyes resting on Cas' hands as he waited for directions.

"Lie down." Cas concluded after another moment's deliberation and Dean complied eagerly, sighing happily when the man covered his body with his own, finally feeling skin against skin. Dean dug his fingers into the flesh on Cas' back, leaving crescent shaped indents as Cas leaned in to capture his lips. Dean loved the weight of the older man on him. He was so on edge that he needed this, it grounded him, made him feel safe and he closed his eyes, allowing himself to fall. He felt Cas' hands roam up and down his sides, brushing over his nipples, then doing it again when Dean arched his back off the bed in response. Cas slowly made his way down, nudging Dean's legs apart with his own and coming to rest in between them.

Dean was breathing hard, labored intakes and noisy exhales, filled with a string of moans and grunts as Cas mouthed at his erection. He felt a fingers trace along its outline teasingly. Then Cas brushed past it and down, teasing his scrotum before moving further back and circling the rim.

"Yes-" Dean trembled at the touch, all too gentle and not enough, urging Cas on by slanting his hips down, trying to follow the touch. Instead of continuing the man removed his finger and Dean near cried from frustration and built up pressure. "Please-" he whimpered before a moment later Cas' finger was back, this time slick with Vaseline.

"You sure?" Cas asked looking up at Dean from his position between his legs.

"Damn, _yes_. I'm sure!" Dean panted gruffly, shooting Cas a glare that in no uncertain terms conveyed that he was not going to break. Cas kissed and nipped along his hips in reply, before a second later- " _Fuck_ -" Dean hissed when Cas' finger breached him, pushing in slowly, tongue licking a wet stripe up his cock, and Dean couldn't take it anymore. Cas just about had time to push in a second finger before Dean felt his balls draw tight and his toes curling and then he came, all over his stomach, some of it catching on the edge of Cas' lips, who continued to lick at that spot just below his head, wringing out another spike of ecstasy from him.

"Cas- fuck- I-" Dean panted helplessly as Castiel pushed himself up from between his legs, coming up to kiss him, hard- desperate. Cas pushed himself closer against the body under him and Dean let his legs fall open wider to accommodate the man. As he did so Cas' hard-on slipped out from where it was trapped between them, the tip of it brushing against his hole.

"Cas- _please,_ " Dean whimpered as he wrapped his legs around Cas' waist, drawing him in closer, making it perfectly clear what he wanted from the older man.

"Oh god, Dean- what are you doing to me?!" It was as much as question as a statement, not meant in any malicious way, more an expression of surrender. Because at the end of the day Castiel was only human, and to deny the truth of how much he wanted Dean, especially in that moment was completely and utterly impossible.

"It's ok, I _really_ want you to-" Even through the haze of the afterglow Dean felt the shift in Cas' mood and right now he didn't care if he was being selfish or placed some strain on their relationship. He needed Cas like he had never needed anyone else before and at the same time he wanted to give this to Cas, prayed that Cas would want to take it.

"I haven't even got any condoms." Castiel said with his last shred of common sense he had left.

"I don't care." Dean replied, tightening his hold around Cas' waist.

"You should though." Castiel protested. "I mean, I am clean. I got tested back when Alan- when we decided we - just it never got that far in the end, and obviously I haven't since- Still you-"

"I've never had proper sex with anyone. So that's settled then." Dean cut Cas off, feeling a weird sense of possessiveness mixed with relief that Cas had actually never gotten that far with another man. He rolled his hips with renewed vigor in invitation, making the man groan as a flash of heat shot through him. " _Dean_ -" He panted, knowing already what his answer was going to be. He literally had no arguments left, and just the thought of being like this with Dean, in a way both being each others firsts in doing so, finally completely short-circuited Castiel's brain.

"I will need to prepare you more. I do not want to hurt you, ever." Castiel placed an eager kiss, full of promise yet somewhat tender on Dean's parted lips, swallowing down the moan that escaped the teenager. Dean unclamped his legs from around Cas and let them fall open. His hands were buried in Cas' hair, tugging at the strands intermittently as the man re-entered him with two fingers. Then, at Dean's insistence that he wasn't going to break, he quickly added a third, which had Dean hiss briefly, before relaxing against the intrusion. Cas worked his fingers in and out, adding more Vaseline and stretching him, eventually finding Dean's prostate and brushing against it a few times, reveling in the sounds and whines he was able to pull from the teenager.

Dean felt himself grow hard again under Cas' ministrations, jerking and moving with the man, trying to follow the rhythm of his fingers. "'M ready- please- need you." Dean begged, as he rolled his hips down against Cas' fingers.

"Ok." Was all Castiel was able to reply. He was completely and utterly transfixed by Dean and his own pressing need for release.

He removed his fingers and lined himself up, trying to reign in his nerves by focusing on Dean, watching him take in a deep breath as he felt the tip of Cas' erection brush against his rim. With a shuddered breath, the man pushed in, breached the tight muscle with his head. He tried to go slow and be gentle, but he could feel the resistance, felt the way Dean was cramping up, unable to hide the pain from his face.

"Dean-" Cas implored. "You have to relax." He instructed, rubbing his thumbs along the side of Dean's waist but it seemed to no avail, and there was no way Cas would just force his way in. He waited for another moment for Dean to adjust, but it was almost like he tensed up more and Cas could feel himself starting to soften under the pressure he suddenly felt. He carefully pulled out, placing a hand soothingly on Dean's thigh.

"Dean, hey-" He tried to sound soft but his ragged breathing made it sound more like a grunt.

"Don't stop," Dean gritted out through his teeth in response.

"Don't want to hurt you, we don't-" Castiel didn't even know he had any self-restraint left until those words left his mouth.

" _No_! I want this. I can take it." Dean insisted, opening his eyes to meet Cas' gaze with his own.

"Dean-"

"Cas- _please_. I've wanted this for so long, so-" Dean implored and Cas couldn't help a rather out of place grin flick across face.

"What's so damn funny?" Dean snapped defensively, feeling oh so stupid that he couldn't even get this right.

"Just- I always admired your stubbornness. Who knew it would come and bite me in the proverbial ass, or quite literally-" Cas supplied in terms of an explanation, trying to stifle a giggle as he bent down, kissing Dean's stomach gently. God, he really had lost his mind, and he had no intention of upsetting the teenager, he hoped he was able to convey that with little nips and licks as he didn't trust his words right now.

"Oh- I- _damn_!" Dean couldn't hide a chuckle, his back arching off the bed and the sudden onset of grumpiness effectively diffused, as Cas' tongue tickled that one sensitive spot near his belly button. Cas looked up at him from where he was perched over his stomach with those stupid blue eyes of his, making Dean want him even more. "Cas, that a yes?" It was definitely not a 'No', Dean assumed. His desire for the man was back in full force

Cas just kept staring at him, and Dean grunted wantonly. "Go on, then!" A mischievous glint in his eyes accompanied those words. He just wanted Cas to be back inside him, pain be damned. He probably would have managed to sound halfway authoritative if it hadn't been for that damn tongue that was still making him squirm.

"Ok." Cas mumbled against Dean's skin, his own body buzzing with the need to feel Dean, and he couldn't argue with that look he had just been given. They could give it one more try at least. Nothing was ever perfect the first time. "Turn over." He said, letting his fingers dance across Dean's hipbones.

"What?"

"Turn over, get on your hands and knees." Castiel repeated and Dean obeyed without further questions. He guessed Cas thought this might be an easier position. What he did not expect was Cas' mouth on the small of his neck or the return of the man's fingers, liberally coated with more Vaseline.

"Need you to relax, babe." Cas hummed against his skin, as he kept working him over with three fingers, tracing the outline of his spine with his tongue and lips, whispering encouraging nothings.

Dean almost lost it at the use of the pet name. He had no idea why; a silly name should not affect him like that. But it had him near tears for a second, before he managed to swallow it back, instead zoning in on the sensation of Cas' lips on his skin, the way now four fingers were slipping in and out of him. The pain was now nothing more than a slight dull echo, while the pleasure of the tug and slide combined with the pressure against his prostate slowly took over, leaving him hard and panting.

"Ready?" Castiel asked, wrapping himself over Dean's back, placing a gentle kiss on the side of his neck. Dean could only nod in reply.

Cas kept stroking one hand up and down the teenager's back as he gave himself a few tugs with the other before lining up again. Dean felt the blunt pressure against his entrance, trying not to hold his breath but to keep breathing, steady, in and out. This time when Cas pushed in, there was only a feeling of fullness and an initial twinge that disappeared almost as fast as it came.

"Cas-" Dean cried out as he felt him work his way deeper inside, arms and legs shaking.

"I'm here." Cas kissed his shoulder, as he waited for Dean to adjust fully. After a moment he began to move, encouraged by the little experimental rolls of Dean's hips.

"God, Dean- you're- love you." Castiel panted against Dean's skin as he started a slow rhythm, completely overwhelmed by the sensation of being engulfed by Dean. Being connected so closely.

Dean's whole body shivered at those words. How he had longed to hear them again, and for Cas to say them now, while he felt the man move inside him, was already overtaken by the physical sensations, was too much. Dean lost momentary control of his arms and slumped forward, burying his head in the pillow, feeling Cas follow the movement of his body with his own. "Cas-" he mumbled, choked off by the pillow, at the same time rolling his hips back against the man, desperate to feel more. Instead he suddenly felt empty as Cas pulled out of him.

Dean whined as he turned his head to see why he had suddenly stopped. Cas looked delectable, flushed, chest heaving and a drop of sweat working its way down his brow.

"Turn over." Cas growled, voice low and raspy. "Want to see you." Again, Dean was quick to comply, lying back and watching Cas with glazed over eyes as he moved in between his legs, uttering a deep moan when the man entered him again.

"Cas-" Dean grabbed him tight around his shoulders, pulling him down. He needed him to be closer still, felt like he wanted to crawl inside his skin. Castiel followed, winding his arms under Dean's and gripping him tight at this shoulders as he pressed their bodies together. He moved in slow short thrusts, the movement providing just enough friction against Dean's own erection to send him spiraling slowly towards the edge.

"Love you-" Castiel whispered again, face buried in the crook of Dean' neck as his rhythm started to falter, pushing faster and harder. Dean was doing his best to meet him with thrusts of his own, wrapping his legs around Cas' waist again, trying to pull him in more, wanting him deeper. Their sweat slicked bodies rubbed against each other as Cas chased his release, grip still tight, almost painfully so around Dean's shoulders.

"Dean, I'm going- can I come inside you?" Castiel gasped, as he felt his impeding release. He slowed his thrusts, breathing in through his nose in an attempt to stave it off just a bit longer, half prepared to pull out and finish himself off by hand.

Those words combined with the thought of feeling Cas come inside him were enough to send Dean tumbling straight into his second orgasm, spilling between them as he groaned out Cas' name followed by a rasped "God yes-".

The way Dean spasmed around him was too much and with one final snap of his hips, and Dean's grunts ringing in his ears, Cas came, releasing himself inside the teenager, groaning and panting as he kept thrusting erratically, chasing the last aftershocks of his orgasm. He could feel the nails of Dean's fingers digging into his shoulders as they both slowly came down, placing little kisses and nips all along Cas' throat and jaw, before pulling his bottom lip into his mouth. Cas turned his face to give Dean better access. It was more an exchange of air than an actual kiss as they both fought to get their breathing under control.

They lay there pressed together from head to toe for a long time. Dean couldn't get enough of the way Cas' weight was pressing him into the mattress, even if it meant he couldn't take a deep breath. Cas' fingers carded through his hair as they slowly kissed, Dean's own hands lazily trailing along the outline of Cas' spine. Dean was flying high on endorphins. He never wanted this feeling to end. Even the mess between them, the sticky reminder of how they had just come together, was a feeling to be cherished not despised.

It was way past ten when Castiel finally found enough strength in him to get up, and fetch a washcloth, giving first himself and then Dean a thorough clean. Dean still felt limp and couldn't do much more than shift and turn slightly giving Cas access to all areas. He still hadn't come down yet, giving the man a goofy smile, his heart leaping in his chest when it was returned in like.

"Hungry?" Cas asked then, and Dean would have agreed eagerly if he hadn't been too tired to move. The man must have seen it in his face, as he told Dean to just wait here as he disappeared down the stairs. Dean snuggled happily into the blankets. Those three words Cas had so reverently whispered against his skin earlier were playing on a loop in his head.

The house was shrouded in darkness and Castiel almost turned on the light in the kitchen before he remembered that he was stark naked and rather not grace his neighbors with a full frontal view from his kitchen window. He fumbled around in the dark for anything edible and more importantly some water, unable to keep the happy, sated grin off his face as he did so.

He had had a lot of regrets throughout his life, knew the weight of a heavy conscience but this, what had just happened between him and Dean he would not regret. He couldn't even call it a mistake. Dean said to trust him, and in the end that was what Cas had decided to do. The rest of the world could, as Dean would most likely put it, 'go fuck itself'. His attitude was juvenile, most likely. Castiel was very aware what people would brand him as now, there was no coming back from this for him.

Actually, he did have one regret, that this would be another secret Dean would have to carry on his shoulders for the time being, something no one else could know about. This was not something to be broadcasted at large. At the same time, if there had been doubts in his mid in the past about the viability of their relationship (and he dared called it that now), he suddenly knew with surprising clarity, that they both were in this for the long shot, would fight for this to work. Dean was not someone to give his affection easily; Castiel knew that. In that regards he and Dean were quite similar. Maybe that was why this felt like so much more than just finally having sex.

He placed some fruit, and crackers he found in the cupboard on a tray, along with the water, and made his way back upstairs. He used to have a no food in the bedroom rule, but rules, as he had just learned, were not as set in stone as he had always needed to believe, and Dean needed sustenance more than he needed a crumb-free floor. Plus, he somehow had a feeling they would not be making their way back downstairs for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bottom!Dean  
> This scene turned out totally different than I had originally planned, but the characters just wouldn't let me have my way and once I gave in, the words just started flowing. Talk about your characters taking over a story!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the comments and kudos for the last chapter. I didn't get around to reply, but I appreciate them so much and they keep me going and always put a smile on my face.
> 
> So, this chapter was kind of ready for over a week, but then Asylum happened, and I died! Glad to say I'm back to somewhat functioning now, and finally able to post this.

Cas grumbled as he turned, burying his head deeper into the pillow. This annoying streak of sunlight coming through a gap in the curtains had been bothering him for at least the last ten minutes, but he was not awake enough, or willing for that matter, to leave the confines of his bed. Plus, even if he would be prepared to actually move, he didn't want to wake Dean, who was draped around his back like an extra blanket. He felt the teenager's body heat radiating into his in a most delicious way, adding to the sleepy comfortable drowsiness that surrounded him while simultaneously making his chest ache with affection and desire, even in his at most half-conscious state.

"You know, just getting up might be easier." Dean chuckled, voice raspy with sleep, breath ghosting over the top of Cas' spine, making the man's hair stand on edge. "You're not as stealthy as you think you are."

"Apologies. I did not want to wake you." Castiel shuffled, turned onto his stomach and lifted his head just enough to make out Dean's face. Dean couldn't help another chortle at the bleary eyed look and the way the left side of Cas' face was imprinted with creases from the pillow. He shifted so he was able to bring up one of his hands, gently tracing them with his thumb, smiling when Cas leaned into the touch.

"You look kind of cute first thing in the morning." Dean said with an easy tease. His heart started to speed up at the sight and feel of the man, here with him, in bed- naked. The accompanying elated grin was in danger of splitting his face. Dean was under no misconception that to him Cas would always look good, always would get his heart racing and his stomach flip, but also it was so much more than that, and after months apart it was a bit overwhelming, in a good way. Especially now with Cas looking so delectable, rumpled from sleep, hair askew and that slightly confused 'not quite awake' expression on his face, which Dean just wanted to kiss off.

"And you're far too awake for my liking." Castiel muttered in reply, peeking at him with one eye open.

"Not a morning person? How did I never notice this?" Dean chortled fondly, pressing closer.

"And there I was under the impression that it was teenagers who generally despise this early hour." The older man grunted.

"Yeah, well. Having to drag Sammy out of bed for school every morning, I kind of didn't have a choice _but_ to be a morning person." Dean said while placing a peck on the back of Cas' shoulder.

The man humphed in reply before pressing his face back into the pillow, a mumble suspiciously sounding like "damn sun" escaping him.

"Would it help if I closed the curtain?" Dean asked, allowing one of his fingers to trace lazily along Castiel's bare shoulders, earning him a shudder.

"Yes."

Dean huffed, feigning annoyance, as he placed another peck on the back of Cas' neck before climbing out of bed. He just about managed to keep in the wince that was about to escape him, as his body reminded him valiantly of last night's activities, of muscles and parts of his body used in a way never before experienced. He brought his arms up for a quick stretch, then padded over the few steps to the window and pulled the curtains shut tight.

"There, better?" He glanced back over his shoulder at the lump in the bed.

"Mhhh." Came the mumbled reply, like Cas was already half asleep again.

"Ok, sleepy-head. Back in a sec." The teenager said with a smirk and quickly made his way to the bathroom to relieve himself. He ached pretty much all over, muscles in his legs and torso were protesting at being used and he felt more than a little bit sore in other places, which no doubt would make sitting an interesting experience. Still he loved the feeling, wiggling his hips as memories of last night made Dean smile at his reflection in the mirror while he washed his hands. Damn, he was still high or something, because he couldn't remember feeling this good in a very long time, unable to wipe that stupid grin off his face.

He made his way back to Cas' bedroom, a gooey feeling of fondness paired with a pang of arousal spreading in his chest and down to his groin at the sight of the man, half draped in blankets, just enough to give hints of legs and skin and bum while leaving the rest to the imagination. And oh, did Dean imagine, had been imagining scenarios just like this for a long time, only now he had a visual of the real deal and he had the sudden overwhelming urge to be close, to touch and map out every inch of Cas he could get his hands and tongue on.

Cas' face was still firmly pressed into the pillow and Dean was not sure whether he actually had gone back to sleep for real. He climbed back into bed and immediately had his answer to his question when Cas shuffled to make space for him, turning just enough to be able to pull him against his side, slinging one arm over Dean's torso.

"Missed you." Cas smiled up from where his face peeked out from the pillow. It was silly, really. Dean had hardly been gone more than a few minutes, yet he had already bemoaned the loss of the warm and comforting presence of the young man. He just wanted Dean close, to wrap his arms around him. Castiel's brain was slowly starting to come online and with it the thoughts about the expiration date on current affairs but he chose not to dwell on it. The situation was what it was, and it was so much more than he had thought possible a mere 24 hours ago. Just for now he was happy. They would still have to talk about how to proceed from here but right now Dean was back in his bed, those green eyes trained on him, and that was all that mattered.

Dean chuckled contentedly as Cas' arms tightened around him. He placed a playful kiss on the man's temple, then continued a trail down the cheek to the chin, and finally to the edge of his lips, which was all he could reach with the way Cas was still mainly hogging the pillow with his face.

"Mhh," Castiel sighed turning his face just enough to fully catch Dean's lips with his own, hoping the teenager would not care about his morning breath as he deepened the kiss, eagerly opening up to Dean's probing tongue at the seam of his lips, while pulling him in further.

Dean moaned, relishing the intensity with which Cas claimed his mouth. His hands were stroking down Cas' side, making the man's muscles jump as Dean hit a ticklish spot. The touch was feather light and teasing as he roamed down towards his hips. Cas seemed to be more alert all of a sudden, tugging at Dean, a silent plea for more, one hand carding through his hair, the other hand stroking up and down the teenager's back.

Dean pulled back just enough to be able to speak, lips still brushing against Cas', as they breathed in each other's air." You know I didn't really get to touch you last night." Cas groaned needily as one of Dean's fingers tentatively brushed against the head of his cock, as if to prove the point.

"You like that?" Dean licked the lobe of Cas' ear as he repeated the action, a visceral want pulling at his insides at the way the man's erection twitched in response, making him feel bold despite a definite undeniable amount of uncertainty. This being with another man, with Cas, despite having wanted it for so long was still new, and he didn't want to screw this up. Talking about stuff while doing this felt weird but like a necessity, like he wanted confirmation that what he was doing was ok.

"God, _yes_." Cas voice was rough and edgy, accompanied by a thrust of his hips and it gave Dean the final push to properly take hold of the hard flesh, and experimentally move his closed fist over it a few times.

Cas was grappling at the boy next to him, bringing their lips back together, whispering words of encouragement and endearment between kisses. Dean's hands on him had his synapses fire on all cylinders and now that he had allowed himself to feel this, he couldn't get enough of it.

Dean greedily soaked up the reactions he pulled from the man and started to jerk Cas off more resolutely, trying to find out what movements got the best reactions, flicking his wrist and letting his thumb trace along the ridge of the head.

"Ugh- right _there_ \- That's good." Cas panted, pushing himself up into Dean's hand, chasing the contact, urging Dean on. Dean repeated the action, focusing the pad of his thumb on the small area just below the head as he moved his fist loosely up and down Cas' shaft.

Castiel could feel himself getting close, but he wanted more, wanted Dean along for the ride with him, feel him. He tugged at Dean's arm to get his attention, and then with an "Up", he pulled him right on top of him. Dean followed willingly, eyes fixed on Cas. The gaze set Castiel's body on fire and he quickly reached between them and aligned their erections. Dean bucked desperately into the contact.

"Keep moving. Like this." Cas wheezed as he brought his hands up to Dean's ass, gripping tight and helping Dean to find a rhythm for his thrusts.

Dean clutched Cas shoulders tight, burying his head against he man's chest, letting the sensation of the friction, and the gasps and noises and sound of flesh against flesh fill his senses as he kept grinding down. Dean took in a big gulp of air before smashing his lips against Cas, needing to feel as much connection and contact as possible as their bodies kept moving against each other, driving them closer to the finish. Soon the kiss was nothing more than frantic moans and pants into each other's mouths, Dean desperately trying to hang in there just for that little bit longer, to not have this moment end yet.

"Dean-" Cas growled, gripping Dean's butt-cheeks even tighter, probably tight enough to bruise as he urged him to move faster. "So good-" he whimpered bringing up his own hips in a matching rhythm.

It was all getting too much for Dean. "Cas, I-" Was all the warning Dean was able to stammer before he pressed his face into Cas' shoulder, biting down on it as he came, spilling between them.

Cas hissed half in pleasure, half in pain at the sting of Dean's teeth against his skin. It was a new but not altogether unpleasant sensation. Dean all but stopped moving as he rode out the aftershocks of his orgasm and Cas deftly worked his hand between them, giving himself a few tugs, quickly following Dean over the edge, the teenager's name on his lips as he added to the mess between them.

Cas kept his arms tight around Dean as they both caught their breaths. Dean nuzzled against Cas' neck, kissing an nipping his way up towards the man's jaw, reveling in the slight salty taste where, a small sheen of sweat covered his neck and face. Cas carded his fingers through Dean's hair, humming contentedly. Soon his lips found Dean's again and he pulled him down into a deep kiss, leaving them both breathless again.

They were on the verge of falling asleep, mess be damned, when Cas remembered that they actually had no idea exactly what time Jody would be back to collect Dean and they couldn't afford her to find them like this. If there ever had been a thought similar to an ice bucket over his head, this had to be it. It was like reality was hurtling itself at them at a hundred miles an hour, an inevitable crash they would be unable to escape. He did not want to face this reality, wanted to stay here and be an irresponsible human being, wanted to keep Dean here with him, but if anything he had to think about Dean in all this.

He stroked Dean's neck as he pulled him in and kissed the teenager deeply, almost desperately, wanting to savor every last moment of this. Dean clung to him, clearly not wanting to get up either. But after another ten minutes, Cas felt that nervous energy under his skin increase to the point that he could no longer ignore it. They had to get up. He held out his hand, pulling Dean up an out of bed after him, ushering him into the bathroom for a much needed shower.

Dean had gone awfully quiet, all the earlier ease and happiness wiped off his face. Castiel could only assume that Dean's thoughts were along similar lines than his judging by the sudden somber mood between them. They clung to each other almost comically all the way through the shower, Cas washing Dean's hair, gently massaging the scalp, trying his best to redirect the boy's thoughts for just a little while longer. Dean returned the favor and they stayed in the shower until the water started to run cold and they were forced to leave what felt like the last stronghold between them and the real world.

Cas was towel drying his hair, trying to make out his reflection in the fogged up mirror. He ran a hand over its smooth surface, leaving a clear path behind, then examined his face, trailing his fingers though his scruff. He jumped when he felt Dean molding himself against his back, chin on his shoulder, green eyes meeting blue in the mirror.

"You gonna keep it?" The teenager asked as his fingers brushed over the ever growing stubble on the man's face.

"Not sure. Why? Do you like it?" Cas asked taking hold of Dean's hand and bringing it to rest on his chest, pulling Dean flush against him.

"Mmmh, I haven't made up my mind quite yet." Dean said as he kissed the side of Cas' face, feeling said stubble scratch against his lips, then proceeded to rub his chin against it.

"And?" Cas enquired with a smirk once Dean looked back at him via the mirror.

"Keep it, for now." Dean hummed as he continued his assault on the man's chin and down to his jaw, ending on his neck where he sucked the skin into his mouth until Cas turned and pulled Dean against him, bringing their lips together in a brief kiss.

"How about you?" Castiel questioned, letting his thumb trail along the fine hairs along Dean's upper lip. "Gonna grow a moustache?" He said with an accompanying eyebrow raise.

"Shuddup." Dean chuckled, even as his eyes wandered to his image in the mirror. There was definitely some stubble there but nothing to write home about, definitely not when compared with Castiel's own impressive growth. Still, maybe he should attempt a shave, new day, new start and all that. Maybe it would make him feel like he was taking control, at least in charge of some aspects of his life. And he definitely did not like his hair, the way it flopped over his eyes, he would have to get that seen to once he would be back-

Dean gulped, a led weight dropping into his stomach at the thought. He would have to leave, and soon. As much as he just would love to say 'Fuck it' to everything and stay, he knew that this was not an option. It would only confound the current mess he found himself in, and most of all, even if there was a way, he couldn't abandon Sammy like that. Not after all the recent crap he pulled. For all he knew, Sammy didn't even want to have anything to do with him any longer. Why would he? Dean hadn't been exactly a good brother these last few months. Cas must have sensed his sudden shift further down that particular rabbit hole of self-loathing and engulfed Dean in his arms.

"Hey, come here. How about you shave and then we get dressed and I make us some breakfast."

Dean nodded into the crook of Cas' neck, and with one last peck stepped away focusing on the tasks and hand. This he could do. Just focus on the moment.

#

Cas was halfway through frying a stack of bacon when Dean entered the kitchen and gratefully accepted the mug of coffee that was waiting for him. He leaned casually against the worktop as he watched the dark haired man work, hair still slightly moist from the earlier shower. His stomach clenched uneasily Dean had no idea whether he could actually eat much. That earlier heaviness had taken up residence in every part of his body again, the maddening uncertainty of what would happen next, knowing that now would have to be the time to address it while already mourning the inevitable loss of Cas and their new found intimacy. Part of him wanted to get angry again, feeling the first stirrings of that alto familiar feeling, welcoming it for an instant before his eyes met with Cas', the man giving him an almost shy smile and he deflated. He had been down that road and had left nothing but mess in his wake. Staying angry at the world, at his dad, at the universe and its unfairness wouldn't get him anywhere. He returned the smile, although it didn't quite reach his eyes.

Cas served them a generous helping of bacon and eggs and a few slices of toast. Dean really didn't feel like eating, pushing the food around on his plate and glaring at it like it was to blame for his current predicament.

Castiel in turned stared at his plate, nibbling half-heartedly at a slice of bacon, already regretting having prepared that much food as it appeared like most of it would go to waste. He thought he would be doing Dean a favor, providing a generous helping of food but clearly, the boys' stomach was in no better condition than his own. He sighed, pushing his plate away.

"Dean-" He started, then stopped, taking in another big gulp of air instead. "You know, this is- it's not the end, right? You know I will be here for you." He reached across the table, wrapping his fingers across Dean's where he clutched his mug tightly.

Dean swallowed through a lump in his throat, bringing his gaze up to meet Castiel's. "I know, just-" He didn't get to finish whatever he wanted to say as he was interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell.

"Shit." Dean cursed, body tensing, eyes trained on Cas, like he could somehow prevent the inevitable. He felt the blood drain from his face, and Cas inhaled sharply before he got up. He gave Dean a comforting squeeze on the shoulder before making his way to the front door.

Dean felt like he was going to be sick. Was it really that late already? Would Jody just grab him and leave? He was not ready, they hadn't even talked properly yet and- he could feel himself start to hyperventilate and forced himself to take a few steadying breathes as mumbled voices drifted in from the hallway.

"Hello Jody." Castiel greeted the woman at the door. She was dressed in casual attire much to his relief.

"Castiel." She said with a small nod of her head.

"Would you- do you want to come in? We are just finishing up with our food, and - there is some coffee, if you would like."

Jody nodded. "Some coffee before the long drive would be appreciated." She followed Castiel into the kitchen, where she was met with Dean's worried glare. She looked the boy over. In a way he looked better, more rested and cleaned up than he did before, but at the same time he still had that haunted appearance about him, looked like he wanted to bolt, whether just from her or from the situation in general she could not tell, and it broke her heart.

She joined them at the table as they finished, or tried to finish, their food, before eventually giving up and staring at their mugs instead, silence stretching between them.

Jody was beginning to worry that something had gone wrong here. She had observed these two closely these last few minutes, and their non-verbal communication and eye-contact hadn't gone unnoticed. Only thing was she couldn't quite decipher what those looks implied, which made her start to seriously second-guess her decision to have facilitated this, to have allowed this meeting to happen in the first place. Maybe it wasn't all as clean-cut as Dean had had her believe. What did she really know about this Castiel? An exasperated huff escaped her as she rubbed her chin, trying to ease some of the strain.

"Dean, did something- did I- did this make it worse? I only wanted-"

"No." Dean protested so fast and with such fervor that Jody shut her mouth mid-sentence, startled.

"In that case- Someone gonna fill me in? Where do we stand?" She didn't address anyone in particular although her eyes were focused on Dean. She needed to hear his opinion. That was the one that mattered to her.

"I don't want to leave, ok." Dean snapped.

Some of the tension Jody had felt left her at those words, even while she couldn't help but feel for the young man sitting opposite her. Taking into account the events of these last few months, and Dean's complete meltdown when he had been cut off from any contact with Castiel, she should have expected this. She could only hope that leaving here wouldn't send Dean on another downward spiral because that would be the polar opposite of what she had hoped to achieve.

Before she could open her mouth to reply, her attention got diverted by the scrape of a chair against tiles as Castiel swiftly made his way over to the teenager with an "We are going to work this out. This would only be temporary", while making eye-contact with Jody. She was relieved that at least Castiel seemed to be on the same page to a degree, understood that Dean staying here, at least for now, really wasn't an option. The older man stood behind Dean, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and placing a kiss on his sandy hair in an open display of affection that left Jody speechless. But what got to her even more was the expression of open adoration that flitted across Dean's face. She quickly turned her gaze away, feeling suddenly like she was intruding and wanting to give them, more precisely Dean, a moment to collect himself.

After a swig of her coffee her gaze traveled over to the two men again. Dean's hands were holding on tightly to Cas' arms and he had his head turned, pressed against Cas' chest.

"You must understand Dean, staying's not an option." Jody sighed, bringing their attention back to her, and Dean reluctantly let go of Cas' arms. Cas let go as well and worked his hand nervously through his hair, feeling like this was his moment to speak. Jody looked at them expectantly; gaze unreadable.

"Dean and I-" Cas started even as Dean said. "Then I wanna stay in contact with Cas at least." No point beating around the bush. That was the thing he was afraid of. That somehow _all_ of this would all be taken away from him, again.

Jody sipped at her coffee with a calmness that had Dean's skin crawl.

"Why is that, Dean?" She prodded, ignoring Castiel for the moment.

"Because-" Den gulped, gaze briefly flashing to Cas for silent confirmation that it was ok to say what he was about to say. "I love him and he loves me. I _know_ I can't just stay and I know I've made a stupid fucking mess of things lately but don't take this away from me. You brought me here to figure things out, and I have- I want to be with Cas and for some reason he wants to be with me, and no one can tell me that's wrong." Dean shook with emotions, fear and dread and a willingness to fight for this. After all Jody had brought him here, there must be a way to get her to understand.

Jody's stare traveled from Dean to Cas and back again.

"So does that mean you two are what- a couple?" She let that word sit in her mouth, mulling it over, tasting it in relation to the two people in front of her. Dean looked at Cas and the man took a step closer to the boy, taking his hands and entwining their fingers, giving Jody a tight nod before speaking.

"It's-" Cas searched for the right words to convey what they were without giving too much away. "We have mutually decided this is what we want. We want to try. I know it is not conventional and that because of current circumstances we cannot be a couple in the traditional sense of the word. I am well aware that I have made myself vulnerable to you by admitting as much, and I leave the final judgment up to you, any consequences that this might involve- as much as I hope you might consider leaving the final word up to Dean and trusting his decision on this, because I know you do not have any reason to trust in mine."

The woman buried her head in her hands for a moment before looking up again, letting that image sink in. The older man holding Dean's hand, and the way Dean's whole face just lit up at that simple touch. She had no idea if a relationship like this could ever be a healthy one, whether Dean was almost too attached to the man. There was probably so much more to consider than she could think off, the age gap of all things. But at the same time, sometimes things could be and should be taken in good faith. She had said she would trust Dean, and that boy definitely deserved something good in his life, and she did not want a repeat of the last four months. All she really would have to agree to at this point was for them to stay in contact, and if that was something that would help Dean back on his feet, could it really be a bad thing? Maybe it would fizzle out naturally over time, as first loves have a tendency to do. In a way all she could do was let this run its course, because keeping them apart at all costs was what had caused all this in the first place.

Jody let out a long-suffering sigh, feeling two sets of eyes on her, waiting for her verdict. "To be honest, I won't lie and say that all of a sudden I'm comfortable with _this_." Her hand waving between the two men. "And it's not the guy thing, Dean you have to believe me. But my job- I can't just turn off that part of me that says that this is wrong, even if you're skirting around the edge of being of age in the eyes of the law in this state."

Dean pulled himself up taking in a gulp of air, protest ready on his lips.

"BUT- I also can see the change in you, I know you and- and whether I like it or not, I believe myself to be a good enough reader of people to see that there are some real emotions going on here, that you two care for one another. And I want to be the last person to take that away from you. Still I need to see some efforts on your side that you can keep it together, need to see that I can indeed trust your judgment. That you can be mature enough on your own, because it's the right thing to do not because of Castiel or Sammy or some other person you might or might not want to please. "

Dean huffed in a mix of indignation and embarrassment.

"No Dean, you have to face the facts, you made a big mess back in Sioux Falls, hurt people who care about you. Even if this thing with Castiel continues, you have to go back and face the consequences, are you prepared to do that?"

Dean gulped but nodded. He had already decided that that was what he had to do. He had wanted to do it for Sammy and Cas, and to a lesser degree for Jody and Bobby, even his dad, but maybe she was right, he had to do this for himself first and foremost.

"Good, I'm proud of you for that." She gave him a genuine smile, while knowing full well that some of the consequences might spell nothing good. "And Castiel, let me ask you this." Castiel snapped to attention at his name.

"Are you genuine? Are you really prepared to wait for this _kid_ to grow up, wait while he sorts out the mess he made, while he, I hope, finishes high-school. And even if so, what then? You could build a life here with someone your own age now, not live for the future. Does it have to be Dean or is it just some infatuation that you will get over in a few months, _or_ when Dean's all- grown up?" The look of indignation and hurt on Castiel's face almost made her regret her words, but she needed to address this. Dean had his own protest on his lips but was cut off by Castiel.

"It's ok, Dean." He switched his attention to the woman in front of him. "I understand why you're being so harsh. It shows how much you care for Dean and I respect that. And I can only repeat myself. It was never about some kind of weird kink for me. I had not planned on falling for Dean, but I did, and now we just need for figure out a way to make this work." He held Jody's gaze, trying to convey the truth of those words with his eyes.

Jody stared back, maybe a last ditch attempt to see if she could rattle Castiel. Whether he would be phased by her no-nonsense demeanor. After a tense few seconds of silence, she sighed, addressing both men. "Look, I know no relationship is ever written in stone, but this one on paper looks like it’s doomed from the start. You're really prepared for the possible repercussions? Please think about Dean before you answer." She implored.

"Yes." Cas said without hesitation. It had taken him long enough to get to this point, he had more than his fair share of examining this from every angle. Inevitably, all his actions have led him here, just like his brother had always predicted. Gabriel would probably laugh his head off if he knew, or slap him around the head, most likely both. It was simple really, he was in love with Dean, and he couldn't stop even if he wanted to. The last four months had been the worst of his life. And just knowing there might be a future for them, even if they couldn't see each other for a while, was enough.

Dean visually sagged in relief clutching the man's hand.

Jody sighed but nodded her head. This was what she had been scared of but she would stand by her promise to trust Dean which meant by proxy Castiel. An amused huff passed her perched lips. "I have _no_ idea how you or me or anyone is going to break this to your father."

Dean and Cas both shared a look of equal dread. Clearly this was something no one was particularly keen on addressing.

"But- maybe it's best to not worry about that until the charges for theft are dealt with." No point adding fuel to an already burning fire, Jody decided, hoping it wouldn't come to bite her in the proverbial. She generally was the last person to advocate going behind a parent's back, but this was not your average situation and John was already tip-toeing close to the edge with all the recent events.

Dean looked nervously up at Cas, the situation regarding his dad temporarily pushed to the back of his mind. Had Cas been aware of the full extend of his recent exploits, that he might actually soon be a convicted criminal? They hadn't really addressed his misdemeanors in great detail.

"So what can Dean expect for that?" The man simply asked, sound calm and squeezing Dean's hand in support.

"Anything from being let off to juvie, although I think community service is most likely, keeping in mind his age." Turning to Dean, she added, "Especially if you show that you have changed your ways. Like attending school regularly, maybe getting a Saturday job, and definitely staying out of trouble. You get the idea."

Dean nodded meekly.

"Well, we better be going, if we want to make it back before midnight." Jody said, breaking the silence that had settled between them, as she got up from her chair. She handed over her phone to Castiel. "Here put your number in. For now this will probably be the only way you can contact each other, until everything is sorted back home. Then we can think of what to do next."

Castiel quickly typed in his number, home and cell, before handing the device back to Jody.

"Well, I guess- I'll be in the car. Castiel-" She said holding out her hand which the man took, giving it a firm shake. "Dean, two minutes." She added before letting herself out.

"God, I hate good-byes." Dean said through a fake smile. He had no idea why he even tried, it wasn't like Cas couldn't see right through him.

"Hey. This is not good-bye, ok?" Cas pulled Dean in and placed a gentle kiss on the teenager's lips. "It's like a small detour on the way to our destination."

Dean chuckled despite not really feeling it. "You suck at metaphors."

"I know." Castiel smiled at the young man in his arms. "Call me when you get a chance, let me know you got back safe."

"Will do." Dean said pulling Cas in for one last kiss. Cas took his hand and together they walked to the front door where Dean reluctantly let go. He made his way over to Jody's car and with one last wave of his hands got in, watching Cas through the side-mirror until they turned at the end of the road.

#

The drive was uneventful and mainly quiet. Dean was all talked out. He already missed Cas like mad and with every mile they got closer to home, his unease grew. He assumed he had to attempt to go back to school tomorrow, pick up the shards of his life and try to piece them back together again, while he waited for the consequences of his actions to catch up with him. It was all he could do for now.

It had gotten past eleven when Jody pulled the car up front of their new home. Light was still on in the kitchen. Which meant John was home. Jody was about to get out of the car when Dean grabbed her wrist, making her turn to face him.

"Just, you know-" He gulped. "Thanks." Dean said after another beat of silence. "It- "

Jody smiled and nodded in reply, patting Dean on the leg, before getting out and escorting him inside. Dean was grateful he didn't have to face his father alone, and the woman expertly diverted John's instant questions about where they had been, allowing Dean to slip upstairs quietly.

He tip-toed into his room, not turning on the light as he didn't want to wake Sammy. His eyes slowly adjusted to the dark and he rested his gaze on the moving lump on the bed in the corner. He would have a lot of explaining and making up to do, if Sammy let him.

Finding some pyjamas and getting changed in the dark was always a challenge and of course Dean' had to stub his toe on the stupid bed-frame, accompanied by an 'Ah fuck'.

"Dean?" Came the small-tired sounding voice.

"Sorry, go back to sleep." Dean whispered.

"You're back!" Sam turned on his bed, blindly reaching for the button on his bedside lamp.

"Stating the obvious, genius." Dean teased, for a moment forgetting that they hadn't been like this for a while.

His brother sat up on the bed, blinking away the sleep. "Where have you been? I was so worried. You got arrested and then you just disappeared and I just-" Sam broke off with a sob. Dean was next to him in a second.

"Hey, I'm ok. I mean, I will be. I know I've been a real jerk lately, and I'm sorry."

"Ok. Is just- I missed you, you were just so different, and I- you just- you had me worried sick." Another sob escaped him.

"I know, but I'm back now. No more stupid shit from me, I promise." Dean said pulling his baby brother to his side. "Remember, you and me against the world." Sam understood the meaning behind those words. They had said them to each other too many times to count when things had gotten really tough.

"So where did you go?" The younger Winchester asked after a moment, curiosity getting the better of him.

Dean couldn't help the smile that worked its way across his face at the memories of the last two days. He leaned closer to his brother conspiratorially. "I need you to promise not to tell a soul, not for now at least."

Sammy nodded enthusiastically, almost like he was proud being a confidante, an accomplice to one of Dean's secrets. That Dean would trust him again with those.

"I went to see Cas." Dean's face was a full on grin now. An astounded gasp escaped Sammy.

"For real? I mean- _How_ -" He said too loud to be a whisper, making Dean shush him.

"Jody took me, and we're- things are good. Me and Cas- We're going to work it out."

"That's- great! But Jody, why did she, why would she- they all said we could never see him again? And does dad know? I guess, _obviously_ not, or it wouldn't be a secret- just-" His little brother's mind was clearly going at a hundred miles an hour. Dean chuckled, ruffling the boy's long hair affectionately. "How about I tell you everything tomorrow? Dad's probably going to kill us if he knew we're still awake on a school night."

"Ok." Sam said as he climbed back under the covers, then as an afterthought he added, "you think she might let me go and see him?"

And Dean was painfully reminded that he hadn't been the only one who had to suffer through these last few months that he had been blinded by his own grief too much to care about Sam. He had lost a good friend too, although the nature of their relationships was very different, of course.

"I don't know. I hope so." He evaded what he knew the likely answer to be, but then again a few days ago he had never thought it possible that he would be allowed to see Cas again. Maybe with time they could work it all out for the better.

"Now get some sleep, pipsqueak."

"Hey, 'm twelve and a half." Came the mumbled protest.

"Sure you are." Dean teased, before climbing into bed; the events of the last few days catching up with him, having him out like a light within minutes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I hope I manage to keep all their interactions and motives believable. I don't for one second think Jody would be in favor of a full-blown sexual relationship between Dean and Cas, but she's kind of working on the premise of the smaller of two evils here, at least that's how she is acting in my head. Also she doesn't know the full extend and she's not asking some questions on purpose. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut instinct, despite what your head might tell you.
> 
> I'm slowly heading towards the home stretch, just a few more situations and road-blocks that need to be cleared up.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I am so, so sorry it took me this long to post, but I have most definitely not abandoned this story.  
> I could bore you with details how busy life was and how my health has bothered me again, but I won't, I much rather just give you this chapter and hope you enjoy it. It really is more of a filler, need to move the plot along, chapter, a bit like getting all the pieces on a chessboard in the right positions. I'm afraid it hasn't got much DeanCas interaction but they will meet again in the next chapter.  
> Also I am excited that I almost made it to the end. The rest of the chapters are all outlined and I really am going to try my damn hardest to get this fic finished before S11 starts (at least I can try, right?)

"You never guess who showed up at the shop today, asking for a Saturday job."

Jody stuck her head out of the en-suite bathroom, toothbrush in mouth and giving Bobby a 'go on' look, accompanied by a raised eyebrow.

"Dean, that's who. Almost dropped the wrench I had in my hand. Dunno what you did to get through to him, but that boy’s definitely trying to turn his life around. Did not leave 'til I hired him. Damn well made him squirm for a bit." Bobby chuckled,

Jody held up her hand indicating she'd be out in a second and quickly went to rinse out her mouth. This was good news. Dean taking her advice on getting himself a job as well showing up at school again regularly, and agreeing to work with the school counselor, would go some way at proving to the judge that he was serious about his rehabilitation. Jody knew a thing or two about how to work the system and she had set Dean down shortly after their little excursion, coming up with a plan on damage limitation. But as pleased as she was about the news that Dean was starting to implement said plan with full force, she dreaded the next bit; the conversation that undoubtedly would have to happen; talking about what got Dean to this place in the first place.

So far Bobby had not pressed for any information about that weekend when Dean and her had all but disappeared, and John had been suspiciously quiet on the subject of Dean's sudden ‘reform’, apparently happy with the new status quo. But she knew that this state of affairs would only last so long. Questions would get asked and she would have to confide in them, or her husband at least. A uneasy flutter in her gut told her that the time for this had most likely come. She would love to have her husband on her side when everything unavoidably would have to be communicated to John. But she would be lying if she said she was in any way ready for this, and silently prayed she could put this particular talk off for just a bit longer.

"That's good news." She said, putting on a smile as she walked back into the room, where Bobby was rested on the bed, propped up with cushions against the headboard, book on his lap. Jody busied herself with changing into her pajamas, feeling Bobby's eyes burning a hole into her back.

"You ever gonna tell me what ya did with that boy? One minute he's hell bent on self-destruction, next he's all Mr. Goodie Two Shoes."

"I- he-" Jody sighed, then took in a big steadying breath. "You most likely will not like what I have to say."

"Jody, that boy was on the brink of turning into his old man, from where I stand ya did good, even if it mighta been not by the book. I know how you tick, that's why I married you." Bobby said, giving his wife a fond smile.

She plunked herself down on her side of the bed, turning to face her husband as she worked her fingers through her hair, letting out another sigh.

"I need you to keep an open mind here."

"Very cryptic, I don't need to call the cops on ya or anything?" Bobby ribbed fondly, although he was ever so slightly unnerved by the way his wife seemed to avoid giving an actual answer, she was not normally this tight lipped.

"Ok- we all know well enough why Dean went off the way he did and that-"

"Oh, for the love of God, just spit it out, whatever it is."

Jody inhaled deeply. Might as well pull the band aid off in one swoop. "I took Dean to see Castiel." She let the words hang between them as she observed her husband, face going from surprise to shock before his expression became neutrally blank.

"You wanna run this by me again?"

"I- I took him to see Castiel, because we all know he's at the heart of all this and despite what we might have all hoped- time and distance was not gonna resolve any of it, Dean was not letting it go, and it was slowly killing him."

"You-" Jody could sense that Bobby had a hard time holding his temper in, he gulped in quick succession as he looked for the right words, opening and closing his mouth.

"Look, you can be mad at me if you want, but plainly, John, for all his good intentions, had no idea how to deal with the situation and was hiding behind his new job. Not like Dean would have listened anyway.” Bobby let out a small affirmative huff at the truth of the statement. “But we were out of options and kind of on the clock being as Dean went from bad to worse at record speed, and it was the only thing I could think of that might work."

"But- you didn't think to check in with me first? I can understand why ya didn't wanna tell John, because he would have just flipped, but- I don't actually know what to say. Na- I know exactly what I would like to say on the matter, that it was crazy and against everything John had tried to achieve, but-" He gave his wife an exasperated look.

“That's why I didn't say anything, look, I'm sorry I went behind your back but-“

Bobby cut off his wife. "I'm not mad, just- this is outta left field. What the hell actually happened?"

Jody shuffled on the bed, turning to face her husband head on. "At the time- I guess I just wanted to appeal to Castiel, make him understand that Dean- to tell Dean to let go of this infatuation, to tell him to think of his future and to stop hurting himself. I thought if Dean would listen to anyone it would be Castiel, but- well let's just say things worked out slightly differently than I had planned.

"Meaning?"

"I didn't account for Castiel to be very forward about his feelings for Dean. Also, he said some things that made me think, about trusting Dean's judgment. I just wanted to give Dean the option to make up his own mind, make him feel like his voice matters. At the start of this trip, I promised him an open mind. I tried to listen to him and let him call his own shots. And well, long story short, they both remain adamant on this relationship, if you want to call it that, and I don't know. I was all for the clean break, for keeping Dean away from the man's influence, but seeing them together -there is just something between them. I haven't seen Dean that happy in a long time and-"

"So just like that it's ok in your book to have an adult involved with an underage boy?"

"No, of course it's not!" Jody stated emphatically. "But we actually don't know exactly how involved they were- _are_ \- nor will we ever, most likely. I’m not naïve enough to think all they did that weekend was hold hands, and yes, I turned the other way and did not ask. But- just look at the change in Dean." Jody looked at her husband, willing him to understand.

"I'm going out on a whim here, it was either risk this, under as controlled conditions as possible, and see how it would play out or risk losing Dean. And to be frank, at the time the risk of Dean continuing down this dark path was the most likely scenario, and I was not just going to stand by or ignore the situation like John was. You said it yourself, it's like he's a changed person.

Bobby nodded deep in thought. "I take it John doesn't know any of this."

"Of course not, not yet anyway."

"Oh my, that's one shit-storm and a half waitin' to happen, but I know ya know that." Bobby worked his hands over his thinning hair.

"Yes, and when that happens I- Dean will need all the support he can get, and so will John."

"This will not just go away, will it?" Bobby's voice sounded almost pleading.

"No, at least not for a while. I think we have to face the facts and make our peace with the situation for what it is, and somehow stop it from blowing up in everyone's faces."

"When are you planning on telling John?"

"Let's get the hearing out of the way first. One hurdle at a time."

"Sounds like a plan." Bobby finally put the book aside and huddled under the blankets, waiting for his wife to follow before turning out the bedside lamp, and wrapping her up in his arms in a show of silent comfort.

#

Castiel woke up with a jolt, heart hammering in his chest, the chiding of 'child molester' still ringing in his ears. He'd had this dream, or variations thereof a fair few times over these last weeks, and they always left him perturbed. He probably should talk to someone, but struggling with emotional and moral dilemmas of having sexual relations with an underage boy wasn't exactly a topic you just brought up over a cup of coffee. And it wasn't like he could just get some counseling for what was troubling him, not without some serious repercussions. He hadn't even spoken to his brother about the recent developments with regards to Dean. As far as Gabriel was aware, Castiel was still moping around the house and very much Dean-less, and his brother hardly missed a chance in reminding him that it was for the best in the long run and that he would come out the other side eventually.

Castiel made the decision there and then to call his brother and just tell him. This whole situation was getting to him and Gabriel by far and large was the closest he had to an impartial confidante. He rubbed at his eyes. They were itching and felt puffy, no doubt due to his staying up all night marking papers. He just had trouble getting to sleep these days and found it easier staying productive until he literally dropped where he stood.

Castiel turned and chanced a look at his phone. 10.15 am. He heaved a sigh. He must have forgotten to set his alarm last night. Luckily, he was not due at university until the afternoon. Still he never slept this late on a weekday, it just showed the abysmal state he was in. He got up with a grunt and despite feeling like death warmed over proceeded to make his bed, meticulously, like he did every morning before padding into the bathroom. A glance in the mirror confirmed his earlier suspicion as to the state of his eyes, big dark circles underlining just how exhausted he really was. He knew he needed to get his sleep problem under control somehow; it was slowly messing up his whole routine. Even now he would rather crawl back into bed than get into the shower and try and make himself presentable to the world. God, he felt like he was suffocating most days.

Of course he was well aware that his particular sour mood this morning was at least in part due to the fact that today would be Dean's sentencing hearing. The teenager had been found guilty of theft, and he would love nothing more than to be there with him, help him through this, just like a partner should. But Castiel knew that even if his job hadn't kept him from going, him being there would have been an all around bad idea.

Dean had called last night just as Castiel had sat down to grade some papers, and despite trying to sound upbeat, Castiel had heard the strain and worry in the normally exuberant voice. If he had been there with Dean, he would have wrapped him up in his arms, stroked his hair in that fashion that he had come to learn calmed Dean down. Basically, Castiel had felt pretty damn useless, just talking wasn't good enough sometimes. He missed the teenager. The lack of Dean's presence was like a physical ache, more ever since those two days they had spent together. But that was something he could dwell on another time, once all the immediate problems had been eradicated.

Dean had promised someone would call him as soon as they were done and what time was it now? Had he missed the call while he was in the shower? Castiel raced back to his room, the phone blinking at him. Damn, what if Dean was sentenced and he missed the call? He quickly swiped across the screen sighing with relief when he saw that it had not been Jody's' number. There were two missed calls and both were from Amelia.

Castiel knew he should call her back. Like pretty much everyone else, he had been avoiding her lately. He didn't particularly feel up to social interactions in general and to the kind that would without doubt lead to uncomfortable questions in particular, no matter how well intended they were. A small part of him felt guilty and dirty, almost undeserving of anyone's affection, which brought his thought process back to square one. He needed to find a way of dealing with his conflicting emotions before they would tear him apart.

He was a mess and only clung to the hope that in time this rollercoaster of opposing emotions would settle and merge into something more manageable and eventually disappear. He did not regret his decision with regards to Dean; he really did love the teenager in that all encompassing, for good and for bad kind of way. But his upbringing and conscience was working against him and too often he found himself alone with his thoughts, accusing him of giving in too easily, not having been strong enough and not having Dean here by his side did not help. It only made his daily monotony and the voices in his head worse. The only thing grounding him was Dean's phone calls and that was kind of a heavy burden to place on the shoulders of someone so young.

Castiel was halfway through preparing some well-needed coffee when the doorbell rang. He abandoned the brewing drink and headed for the door.

"Amelia?" He had a hard time hiding the surprise in his voice.

"Hi Cassie."

"What are you doing here?"

"I've got a day off work and thought I might as well check in on you, as you continue to ignore my calls." Castiel flinched slightly at that.

"I apologize. I was going to call you back, promise."

"Well, I'm here now and I didn't come empty handed." She waved a deliciously smelling bag in front of his face, no doubt containing an assortment of pastries.

Before Castiel could invite his ex-wife in, she squeezed past him and straight into the kitchen.

"Oh just in time for some coffee by the smell of it." The voice drifted out into the hallway as Castiel closed the front door. He sighed. It was nice to see Amelia, it really was, he just wasn't sure he was up for a conversation.

Amelia busied herself, taking out plates before finishing off the coffee for Castiel, motioning for him to sit at the table. She looked so at ease here, of course she would he reminded himself; she used to live here after all.

"Eat, drink. You look like you need it." She put a plate with two kinds of pastries in front of him, and then carried over the mugs before pulling up a chair and joining Castiel at the table, just studying his face.

Castiel tried to ignore the searching gaze and managed for all but one minute before it made his skin crawl with unease.

"What?" It sounded slightly snippier than he had intended it to.

"You look like crap." The bluntness took Castiel by surprise.

"No need to sugarcoat it." He huffed into his coffee, despite knowing only too well how accurate her assessment was.

"No, but really. What is going on with you? You don't want to go out, you do not call, cutting yourself off even more than usual. I know you, in case you forgot, and seeing you like this- I've seen you like this before, something is eating away at you and I'm concerned."

"I'm fine."

"Cassie, I'm your friend, at least I thought I was, so-"

"Of course you are. Just- there are things you can't help me with, I have to-"

"So there is something wrong?"

"Please just let it rest." He pleaded.

"I wish you would tell me, but ok. Just please, is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" She implored putting a comforting hand on Castiel's arm.

Just at that moment Castiel's phone chimed and his heart missed a beat at seeing Jody's number light up.

Without thinking he hit the accept button, heart now hammering in his chest, Amelia all but forgotten.

"Hello, Jody?"

"Cas! It's me. Oh my god!" Dean's sounded excited.

"What happened?"

"They gave me a conditional discharge, I can't believe, it! Cas, can you believe it?"

"That is wonderful, Dean." Cas sighed with relief, feeling a big weight being lifted off his shoulders.

"Yeah, apparently all this turning my life around shit really impressed them, I just can't believe it. I am going to be alright."

"How long will you stay in the system for?"

"If I don't get into any trouble in the next 2 years, they will discharge me from the system, that means no record. This is so- Jody's the bomb with all her advice, she knew exactly what they wanted to hear."

Castiel chuckled at Dean's exuberance. It felt like the first real smile in days. He got up from his chair, just needing to move, feeling a sudden rush of nervous energy go through him. "I wish I could hug you right now."

"Yeah, I want you here so bad, but soon, right? Now that this is over, we can start working all this out and I can see you again." Dean sounded so hopeful and thrilled it pulled another small smile from Castiel.

"Yes, we will work something out, definitely. It has been too long already. But for now enjoy what you have. I am so happy for you. You deserve this."

"Not so sure about that but- I take what I can get."

"Dean, you know me, I do not just hand out compliments willy nilly, you have worked very hard over these last weeks and I am incredibly proud of you."

Castiel could basically feel Dean's self-depreciating eye-roll, and it saddened him that Dean still at times didn't see his own worth. One day he would make him believe these words.

"Thanks, I guess- oh- gotta go. Everyone is waving at me madly; and dad's there- so you know- We're going for some food now to celebrate. Damn, why can't you be here? I miss you so much."

Castiel chuckled. "Go have a burger for me."

"Double cheese, no bacon." Dean's grin carried through in his voice. Castiel had no trouble imagining the bright, careless smile on that handsome face.

"You know it".

"Gotta scramble- Love you so much." Dean's voice was so bright and warm, Castiel could feel his stomach flutter at the words, and the plain honesty behind them floored him.

"Love y-" Castiel was just about to say it back like he normally did at the end of their calls when Amelia came into focus, looking at him perplexed, jaw open.

"I- we will talk later, I'm kind of in the middle of something here. Go enjoy your food."

"Sure will, I see if I can get the phone off Jody later, bye."

Dean disconnected the call and Castiel was left in the quiet of the kitchen, his ex-wife's gaze piercing him.

"Was that Dean? As in Dean _Winchester_?"

"Ye- _ah_?!" Castiel offered up hesitantly, not sure how much she had gleaned about their relationship from just his side of the conversation, but that didn't stop the sudden lump from forming in his throat. This was why he avoided people, less chance of someone finding out his dirty little secret.

"You are in contact with Dean?" She sounded confused.

"Yes."

"And- you didn't think to tell me?" Her voice slowly took on a hostile undertone that had Castiel bemused.

"Damn Cassie! You know how worried I was for them when they just vanished off the face of the earth and here you are talking to Dean- and you didn't think it was important enough to tell me?"

"I'm sorry." He offered up meekly, suddenly feeling like the worst human being. With all his own personal drama, he had never even thought about letting Amelia know that the Winchester brothers were alive and well.

"How long? Were you even considering ever telling me? This is so unbelievably selfish of you." She fixed him with a glare, not hiding the hurt or disappointment.

"Only for about six weeks and-" Castiel swallowed nervously. "Honestly, I don't know why I did not tell you." White lie, he knew exactly why, but what else could he tell her? He couldn’t tell her that he and Dean had not only entered into but also consummated their very illegal relationship and ever since then he had trouble getting a grip on himself and reality. And most definitely not that he was dying with longing to do it again. To feel Dean in his arms, hear those delicious sounds as he kissed him all over and that he was slowly going crazy. Instead he offered up an apologetic smile.

"I am really, _really_ sorry. Of course I know how much you care for the boys and it was incredibly selfish of me to forget."

Amelia accepted his apology with a small nod. "Are- but they're they ok? What did you mean by Dean staying in the system? Are they not staying with their father? I thought he managed to straighten himself out."

"Yes, yes they are. Dean just had some trouble adjusting and got himself into some trouble with the police, but he is turning himself around. Sam has settled into his new school well as far as I know, I only managed to speak to him once over these weeks."

Amelia nodded. "So how come you're back in contact with them? They seemed pretty hell bent on cutting all ties to their life in Chicago."

Castiel actually choked on the sip of coffee he had just taken, thankful for the time it took him to clear his throat as it gave him time to think.

"Just-" Oh, how he hated lying, had never been good at it despite proof to the contrary by the fact that he had successfully hidden his homosexuality for most of his life.

Suddenly another thought seemed to occur to Amelia. "Is this why you behaved so weird lately? Is there something- is everything ok with their father? I know you and him had trouble before, is he giving you or the boys grief?"

"What? No-" Castiel replied quickly, hearing the sudden worry clear and loud in his former wife's voice. He regretted his outburst a second later, as this could have been a perfect out for him. He could have just fabricated something about trouble with John and how it had preoccupied his mind.

"What is it then? Just talk to me."

Castiel needed this conversation to end five minutes ago, as he could feel his resolve crumble. He was just so goddamn tired.

"Nothing." He said defensively, sounding like an insolent ten year old.

Amelia was going over the bits of conversation she overhead. She had been able to make out bits of what Dean had been saying; the boy was near enough shouting half the time. She had had no intention of prying but some words were coming back to her now that the initial shock of it having been Dean Winchester on the other end of that call had abided. She examined her memories for any clues why Castiel looked like he was five seconds away from fainting.

"Wait!" She looked at him with a sudden change in demeanor that had Castiel cringe.

"Did Dean tell you that he loved you?!" It was as much a question as a statement.

" _NO_." Castiel protested. He needed to stay calm. He knew he had to. Did she know? How could she possibly know? There had been times when he had wanted to confide in Amelia, hoped for her understanding but that had been before he and Dean had gone all the way. That had changed the playing field.

"And- you almost said it back! You _were_ about to say it- Isn't that a bit- inappropriate? I know you have always been kind of close to Dean but- Castiel, what is going on?"

"Just leave it alone, _please_." He begged dejected, tired of trying to come up with an elaborate lie. He placed his mug on the table and walked out of the kitchen and up into the living room. He could not bear to be in the same room any longer. He sat down on the couch and buried his head in his hands. This was not how he had imagined this day to go.

There was silence for a long time, to the point where Castiel wondered if he had somehow missed Amelia leaving. He would not blame her if she had. He had been rude and brushed her off. After everything he had put her through in the past he wouldn't blame her at all if she would finally give up on him or, if she had managed to figure it out, called the police.

Eventually he heard footsteps that came closer and felt the couch next to him dip, but he could not look up. Arms came around to hug him and he wanted to shrug them off but instead he leaned into the touch, craving this small display of human affection.

"So Dean-" came the soothing but questioning voice along with fingers carding through his hair.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh god- I'm so, _so_ sorry-" He couldn't stop the verbal vomit. He had no idea what he even apologized for.

Castiel felt Amelia stiffen beside him, as she sat up straight. "Castiel, look at me. What did you do?" She sounded worried now.

"I tried so hard, I did not want to- you have to believe me- it just happened."

"What happened?" His ex-wife probed gently, although there was a distinct hint of apprehension in her voice.

"I and Dean- we- I-" He couldn't get himself to meet Amelia's eyes.

"Oh my god!" Castiel recoiled at the sharp tone in her voice. It sounded like she finally put two and two together. "Did you? No, you wouldn't. You're a good man. You would not do something like that. You would not defile a kid- " She actually swayed back.

"No, not like that, no- but- I do love him." The admittance settled heavily between them as Amelia took another shuffle away from Castiel.

"What? How can you- he's just a-"

"He loves me, too." Castiel replied for the first time meeting Amelia's eyes.

"He's a kid!"

"He's Dean." Castiel stated simply, like that would explain everything.

"Oh my god. Please tell me you did not abuse a child, Dean was like twelve when we met him." Amelia got up off the couch and started pacing.

"NO. Never, not back then, I mean I never abused- it's-" He sighed, going for broke. "I will tell you if you will listen, please listen before you condemn me." He pleaded and could have cried with relief when Amelia nodded her head.

"I guess the falling in love part happened over time, gradually, for me at least. As you said, I always liked him but not like that- anyway, I have been aware for a long time that Dean had feelings for me. He did not exactly hide them. And I always cared for him; you know that. Despite his young age we always had a special connection." He briefly looked up at Amelia before focusing on his hands in his lap again.

"You know about all the trouble Dean had with his father, but you never knew why. In part it was because he found out that Dean liked men as well as women. And I thought I could guide him through it, be his mentor, like I wished I had someone there for me when I had to figure it all out. But then- when I realized I started to feel something more for him I pulled away, I was trying to do the right thing, please believe me." Another beseeching look went up towards his ex-wife who had stopped pacing and was looking at him intently.

"But somehow our lives kept intertwining and yes, part of me wanted him around, and then just before last Christmas we kissed, I did not stop it and I know that this is on me. I was just so tired of fighting my feelings and Dean had never hidden his. We agreed to explore a platonic relationship until he would be of age. But then his father found one of my texts to him and figured it all out and made them all stay in Sioux Falls and threatened me with consequences should I ever contact them again. I had no idea how they were doing. Then a few months later Jody called, telling me Dean pretty much self-destructed and if I could help her talk some sense to him. So they came here and we did talk- and- and Dean and I are together in the loosest of terms."

"But it's-" Amelia's wide eyes and open mouth did not escape Castiel, but he needed to finish explaining himself before he would allow her to pronounce judgment on him.

"Believe me, I know it is considered wrong but should it be if we are both feeling the same way? If we both talked it over and agreed on this? I never coerced him into anything. We both want a relationship, and it's not like- Dean's nearly seventeen, and oh my god, I know what that sounds like" Castiel gasped, working his shaking hands through his hair. "But Dean is also very mature for his age and- well anyway, he has things he needs to do before we can move into anything resembling a normal relationship but I am willing to wait. And before you call the police or child services on me, consider that Jody is fully aware of the situation. She is a sheriff and she probably knows Dean and his situation better than most."

Castiel chanced a proper look at Amelia after his monologue and found her looking shocked, clearly trying to absorb the information.

"But he's- so young. How can you even think he knows what he wants?"

"Honestly, on a bad day I ask myself the same question. But when I talk with him- you know he's more mature than most people his age, and I have to trust his judgment. I would never want to do anything he didn't want me to."

"And everyone knows?"

"No, only Jody and Sam know about our ongoing involvement."

"Of course Sam would know." A small snort escaped her and Castiel looked up and met her eyes. She held his gaze as she sat down again next to him.

"I- I don't know what to say. For one, I'm not sure if I should be more concerned about his well-being or yours. Castiel, I _am_ your friend and I can see the strain this puts on you, and you know this cannot end well."

Castiel let out a derisive snort. "So everybody keeps telling me, and yet here we are. And Dean is doing better than he has in months. And despite everything so am I. I have hope. I don't expect you to understand, but if there's a chance Dean would want a future with me, I want that."

"And it's still only platonic?"

"Well, being as we don't see each other." If Amelia caught on to him avoiding answering the question directly, she did not show it for which Castiel was grateful.

"I think I will need time to think about this. Also, it would help me to talk this through with someone." Amelia shifted on the couch, clearly conflicted.

"But that-"

"I know. I want to understand you- _this_ \- But it is a lot to process and I don't have all the information I need. Just your account of things. Maybe it would be good to talk to someone who does. Do you think it would be ok for me to contact this Jody?"

"Oh- yes. I mean, I can certainly ask her."

"I don't want to condemn you but every fiber in my body right now tells me what you're doing is wrong but I also know you, and believe you when you say that you did not take advantage of a vulnerable kid. But for the life of me I can't envisage Dean as anything other than a kid right now. Maybe that's because I haven't seen him in so long."

"That is more than I can ask for." Castiel knew that it would be in her right to condemn him, and he would not hold it against her, but for now there remained hope that their friendship would not be broken over this. He felt undeserving but grateful nonetheless.

He promised Amelia to call Jody later and if she was agreeable to pass on her number.

By the time he finally made it to his afternoon lecture, his head was drumming out a steady beat behind his right eye. He felt vulnerable and drained after the morning’s events. The ride on the emotional rollercoaster had left him exhausted. But despite that, just the knowledge that Dean had escaped some possibly dire consequences to his juvenile actions and the teenager’s continuous declaration of love put a small spring in his step.

#

Dean bolted down the stairs, doing up the button of his jeans and cursing under his breath while simultaneously trying very hard no to wake up the rest of the household. He somehow managed to not hear his alarm and now he only had about 5 minutes for breakfast if he didn't want to be late for work. It was only his third Saturday working for Bobby and Dean didn't want to give the wrong impression. He really enjoyed working for the gruff man, despite most of his current duties involving playing gopher to the actual mechanics. But Bobby always found time to teach him something about engines and cars in general, and promised that soon Dean would get to actually get his hands dirty with grease.

He took a turn into their kitchen and stopped in his tracks when he saw John sitting at the small table wedged against the far wall. Dean grumbled out a 'good morning, sir' before walking to the fridge and pulling out some ingredients for making a quick sandwich. He heard his father clear his throat behind him but tried his best to ignore it. Their interaction over these last few months could be described as formal at best. Too much had been left unsaid and unresolved, and if it had not been for Jody and Bobby's insistent nagging, Dean would much rather just ignore his dad completely. He hadn't, nor would he ever, forgive his father for what he had said about Cas and more so for taking him away from the man. But for whatever it was worth, he'd had years of practice of dealing with his father, knew how to be cordial if he needed to be. Generally a few short chosen words in response to his dad's question kept the peace. Dean only hoped that John would not be in one of his rare inquisitive moods, but as he heard another, more insistent, cough behind him, realized that he had no such luck.

"Sit down for a moment, will you?" John finally broke the silence.

"I'm already running late." Dean informed his dad without looking up from his sandwich.

"It's just gonna take a minute, son."

"Fine." Dean huffed and pulled turned around to face John but not quite meeting his father's eyes.

"I just want to say, I'm proud of you, the way you're turning things around after all that- you know."

'No thanks to you', Dean would have loved to reply, instead he bit his tongue and gave a nod in acknowledgement.

"You had me worried there for a while, but seeing you now, it just confirms that I made the right call moving here."

Dean had to actually bite his tongue to stop himself from barking at his dad that he would not have gotten himself into this mess in the first place if John had left well enough alone. Something must have shown in his face though as his dad sighed, running his hand through his graying hair.

"Look, I know you were real mad at me but you have to admit it's all worked itself out for the better. Sammy seems really happy and settled at his new school, my job is going well, and you- after you got all that anger out of your system, you have a job and are doing better in school, you made new friends, the right kind of friends."

Dean scoffed. "And what is the _right_ kind of friends?" He couldn't help himself.

"The kind that doesn't get you into trouble or takes advantage of you."

Dean gulped. He was not sure if his father intended the snide remark at Castiel or at those guys he used to hang around with for booze and cigarettes. But regardless, Dean felt indignation rising.

"Not like _you_ then." The words were out before he could stop himself.

John looked affronted but tried to keep his composure. "Dean! We've been over this, I was a shitty dad, now I'm trying to make up for it. That's why- I was wondering. Why don't you ask that nice girl out to go to junior prom with you? If you think money would be a problem, I have some cash saved up and-"

"What girl?" Dean asked with an obvious air of confusion.

"That nice one with the dark hair, who has been to our house a few times."

"Lisa? You do know that she's just my English tutor."

"That might be so but she clearly likes you."

"Well, I don't like her- I mean I do but not like that."

John sighed. "What's wrong with her? She's pretty and smart and I have seen the way she makes you laugh."

Ugh, Dean wanted to scream. Yes, she was a nice girl and if they had met under different circumstances he might have wanted to tap that. But he was not interested in the slightest because his heart belonged to someone else and it was in moments like this that he just wanted to scream that simple truth from the rooftops.

"Nothing's wrong with her, I just don't want to go out with her."

"How would you know until you take her on a date or two?"

"Wow! I _definitely_ don't want to take her on a date." Dean got up signaling the end of the discussion as far as he was concerned. Behind him his dad let out a labored breath.

"Is this- this is not still about this liking guys stuff. Dean, that's no way to live your life. You know how hard people like _that_ have it, and you used to like girls just fine until-" John stopped abruptly and Dean swiveled around. They had never as much as insinuated to the sheer existence of Castiel since they moved here.

"Until what? Just call a spade a spade."

"Do _not_ make me say it." John gritted out between clenched teeth. The calm exterior all but vanished.

Dean knew he shouldn't, knew it was like poking a hornet's nest but he could not help himself. Dad not being ok with him liking guys as well as girls, that he could come to terms with, but dad blaming Cas for turning him gay or whatever version of truth his old man had conjured up in his head, Dean could not stand for that.

"Go on, say it." He goaded, arms protectively over his chest.

"Until you were corrupted by that individual you all trusted even though I told you otherwise."

"Cas, his name is _CAS_." Dean spat out. "And you never liked him, you just needed an excuse to hate him more."

"You can't seriously still be loyal to that piece of-"

"Don't you _dare_!" Dean yelled. "Don't you dare call him that! He is one of the nicest people I've ever met, and he cares for me, unconditionally, whether I get myself into some shit or do something he doesn't agree with. You know what that's called- Love. He never stopped believing in me even when I was a stupid son of a bitch, and I know that even if I had been convicted he would have stood by me, he told me-" Dean clamped his mouth shut, staring wide eyed at a suddenly seething John. Why didn't he just shut the hell up.

"You- he- you two are still in contact? You _directly_ disobeyed me and went back to that- that- is that why you don't want to go and date some nice girl because- that pervert still has his hooks in you and you LET HIM?"

John gripped Dean by the collar of his shirt and pushed him against the wall. "All this was for nothing, I've tried, I fucking tried but you just don't want to be helped-"

"I don't need you help!" Dean wheezed.

John let go of Dean as if burned. "It's like I don't even know you anymore. I tried but- I'm fucking done." He yelled as he ran out of the kitchen, kicking over the chair and pushing the half full coffee mug off the table. A moment later the front door banged shut and Dean heard the roar of the Impala coming to life. Shit, now he had no way of getting to work.

Dean sank to the floor; eyes shining with unshed tears. He rubbed at them furiously. He had done it again. When would he learn to just keep his trap shut? Jody had said she and Bobby would break the situation about Cas to John at an opportune moment and now it was all in taters. He could only pray that John wouldn't do anything stupid like make true on his old threats of reporting Castiel just for the sake of it.

Dean felt like curling up into a ball and never move again, an almost forgotten longing for a strong drink helping him forget just for a bit made itself known with a vengeance. But he knew that not showing up for work was not an option, not unless he wanted to dig this hole deeper. He needed to be responsible, take ownership of the situation, or how would anyone ever take him serious again when he said that he knew what he wanted in life.

He would have to call Bobby and ask for a lift. _And_ explain about how stupid he'd just been and warn them of the impending storm. Also he desperately wanted to call Cas to give him the heads up of this sudden development, for which he needed Jody's phone.

Fuck it, he thought. The secret was out now, so what could his dad do if he went out and got himself a cheap phone. He quickly went back to his room, trying his best not to wake Sammy as he dug out some money from where he was stacking it in his closet, intent on going to the electronics store on the way home. He could think about how to fix this while at work.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so glad I managed to get this finished today (trying to stay on course to have this finished before October!). That said it's not beta'ed and while I tried my best to catch all mistakes, if there's anything glaringly obvious, please feel free to let me know.
> 
> Other than that, there isn't much to say other than Dean and Cas finally together again, yeah! There is a note at the end of the chapter, again for anyone who likes to know beforehand about the kind of sexual content in the chapter.

A loud bang jolted Dean awake. Barely conscious, his heart was hammering in his chest as the noise continued. Shit, there was someone in the house, in the middle of the night, and it was just him and Sammy. That thought had him fully alert within seconds. He fished for the baseball bat hidden under his bed, locating it quickly and grabbing it firmly in both hands. As he tiptoed out of their room, he chanced a quick glance at his brother, and thankfully found him asleep. Dean strained his ears for the origin of the commotion but now only heard silence. Letting out an uneasy breath he slowly made his way down the stairs, silently praying that whoever had thought it wise to break into their crappy house had already grabbed what little they owned and hightailed it out of here.

He was barely at the bottom of the stairs when a pungent smell hit his nostrils, and he had to actually swerve and jump to avoid the puddle of vomit on the floor. The front door was swinging open in the midnight breeze, and bat in hand, Dean went towards it to close it when a lump on the floor in the living room caught his eye.

There was his dad, passed out and for a moment Dean's heart stopped and only picked up again when John let out a miserable snore. Four days, it had been four days since dad had stormed out of the house and no one had heard as much as a peep from him. Dean slumped against the wall, just staring at his old man, disheveled, dirty. He was sure he could see some dried blood on the side of his face, and wondered for a second how John managed to get home in this state, but then he noticed the smell again - Dean had to suppress a gag, before he regained his wits and went into the kitchen, grabbing towels and disinfectant, trying to clear the vomit of the carpet as best he could.

Walking back into the living room, he gave John a quick prod but the man didn’t as much as grunt in response. He had seen his old man drunk off his head before but it had never been this bad. Dean had no idea what to do. Should he just leave him there and let him sleep it off? He should at least move him to lie on his side to make sure he wouldn't choke should he puke again. Even while he attempted to move the immovable object that was his father, tears were pooling in his eyes. He had done this. John hadn't touched a drink in almost a year and now Dean had driven him straight to the bottom of a bottle because he, as always, couldn't keep his mouth shut. No matter how many issues Sammy and he had with their father, he was family. Maybe it was Dean that was the poison in this whole equation. Maybe it had always been his fault that their old man looked to alcohol for comfort. If he only had been a better son in the months and years after their mom's accident, maybe their dad would have been able to pull himself together again. He should have spent less time nagging him about things like bills and clothing and just somehow taken care of it himself, maybe then they wouldn't have ended up here. At the very least he could have kept his mouth shut about Castiel until he was old enough to legally make his own decisions. Maybe then John would finally accept their relationship. But at least his dad didn't appear to have gone after his friend. Small mercies!

"Fuck!" he yelled at the room at large, while pushing John, pressing his back against the edge of the couch and grabbing a cushion to support the man's head. He prayed that Sammy wouldn't wake up and see their father like this. Just then John groaned and convulsed and brought up what appeared to be the rest of his stomach all over the living room floor.

Dean felt the cold tendrils of panic creep up his spine. What was he supposed to do? He knew that really he had to call someone, just to make sure his dad didn’t have alcohol poisoning or something else wrong with him. His dad let out another pitiful moan, that sounded like he was in pain and it jolted Dean into action.

He raced back up to his room, telling a bleary eyed Sam to go back to sleep, as he grabbed his recently acquired cell off the nightstand and went back downstairs, dialing Bobby's number as he went. Of course Sammy, the little bitch, didn't listen to him and followed him downstairs, and before Dean could even fully comprehend what was happening he had a sobbing Sam in his arms, asking again and again what was wrong with dad as John had started to convulse. Next thing he knew there was Bobby accompanied by paramedics and John was hauled off to have his stomach pumped (like there was anything left to pump Dean thought bitterly looking at the mess on the floor). He ended up huddled against the wall, brother by his side, as they watched Jody cleaning up the mess in the living room as daylight broke through the windows.

The next couple of weeks were just a blur. Between school and work and looking after Sam, and worrying about their dad, Dean didn't have much time to actually worry about much else.

John's relapse had cost him his job and after he was released from hospital, Bobby had literally torn him a new one for having been so stupid to risk throwing his life away like that and what example he was thinking he was setting for his sons. He gave him an ultimatum of drying out again or to get the hell out of dodge, leaving his kids with Jody and himself. For some unfathomable reason, John had agreed and due to lack of funds Bobby and Jody had taken it upon themselves to guide John through the process, pretty much locking him up in their basement while he went through the worst of his withdrawals.

This left Dean in charge of the household and his little brother. He didn't mind, it was a familiar comfort. He was used of being in charge, and at least for the next month or two he didn't need to worry about the bills, as long as John would find another job quickly, and of course if he managed to stay off the alcohol. But Dean could not worry about that, one day at a time it would have to be. He was so busy, that he had to try hard to carve out time for any calls to Cas. Generally those would happen while he and Sammy were hunched over their homework, and pretty quickly the calls became the highlight of his day. These conversations would always brightened his mood and took his mind off all the guilt that was still eating away at him, and he had a hunch they were similarly important to Cas.

Cas had offered to come up there as soon as he had heard about John's valiant attempt at annihilation by alcohol and a cocktail of other illegal substances but Jody and Bobby thought it best for him to put off any visits until a time when John had found his feet again. Also, despite how much Dean would have wanted the man here, he was aware that Castiel had his own issues back home. He knew that Amelia was now privy to their unique situation and even after talking to Jody had a hard time getting used to the idea of a relationship between him and Cas, which was eating away at the man. Dean had decided that he would have to go and try and talk to her if and when he would get a chance to visit Cas, as he knew how much that friendship meant to the man, plus Sammy had said more than once how much he would love to meet up with her again.

But finally after weeks and weeks of chaos, school ended, John had moved back into the house, dry for now, and had even managed to secure another job. Dean had no idea how but assumed Jody or Bobby had something to do with it. The atmosphere remained cold and mostly everyone kept to themselves, John not bringing himself to talk to Dean and Dean not really minding. No talking meant no confrontations or accidentally sending his dad over the edge again. Instead he focused on his schoolwork.

Dean had passed most of his subjects and had enrolled for summer school to catch up on the rest and had asked Bobby to increase his hours of work during the summer holidays, and thankfully the man had agreed. Yes, he was being responsible and his life had started to settle into some form of routine. He even had a special treat to look forward to. It would be his seventeenth birthday in two days and Castiel had arranged to come up to Sioux Falls, to celebrate with him. Bobby and Jody were in the know and would cover for him (albeit reluctantly but they didn't seem to have it in them to stop this reunion from happening), but everyone thought it an all around bad idea to spring this on John, who was barely functioning and no one felt any particular need to rock the boat. Dean hated that again he had to keep this all under wraps but after what happened the last time, if anything he did not want to have to deal with the fallout. In time either his dad would learn to deal or Dean would have to leave as soon as he was old enough.

Saturday was almost here but Dean had not heard a single peep from Cas all afternoon, despite the promise that he would call before going to bed in order to catch some sleep before his early morning flight. Dean had tried to call him a few times, but all his calls to the man went straight to voicemail and by evening Dean was basically climbing the walls. He probably was driving Sammy mad with his incessant pining and worrying and his baby brother had a great time pulling his leg. John just shot him a few irritated glances but thankfully left it at that. But even Sam finally admitted that it was not like Cas to just fall off the face of the earth like that. Not that that helped Dean's mood at all, but all he could do was wait and hope for news.

Dean woke up early on Saturday morning to very little sleep and a message on his phone. He cursed internally that he had somehow missed Cas' call but when he checked the time the message was left, his heart immediately started hammering in his chest. It was not like Cas to call at 2 am.

With trembling fingers he pressed on the flashing icon. Cas sounded exhausted and the words made Dean's heart stop. His mother had called yesterday lunchtime informing him that his father had had a heart attack, but was conscious and requested Castiel's presence because he wanted to talk things over. Apparently nothing like a near death experience to re-evaluate the treatment of your children, Dean couldn't help the bitter taste in his mouth at the thoughts of how badly Cas had been treated by his family in the past. But he knew that if it had been his old man, he would have made the trip without hesitation, no matter what had come before. Cas apologized incessantly for not having called Dean straight away but explained that he just hadn't been thinking straight and had needed to arrange a flight to Oklahoma City.

All the color drained from Dean's face. He wasn't even angry that Cas would not be able to make it for his birthday. Yes he was disappointed, but the anguish was evident in Castiel's voice and it was like a stab to Deans' own heart. He should be there with him. He tried calling him straight away but again only had his voicemail. He left a message, telling Cas to call as soon as he was able to while he was already planning on the fastest way of getting to Oklahoma. Baby seemed to be the obvious choice, but he should be at work soon, also he would need money and couldn't leave Sam alone and what would he tell his dad about where he was going, and what if he said 'no' to him using the car? Maybe he could borrow one of Bobby's old bangers.

By the time Castiel finally called, Dean had it all sorted and was ready to set off, thanks to a very understanding Bobby and Jody who, after he told them the whole story, not only let him use one of their cars, but gave him money to cover the petrol and any unforeseen expenses. They also offered to keep an eye out for Sammy (and John by proxy) and cover for him with regards to John. Dean could have kissed them both.

Dean accepted the call but didn't even get to tell Cas about his plans before he could hear the man starting to fight back the sobs. Cas had a hard time trying to compose himself as he talked and Dean wanted to be there right now so badly it hurt. Apparently Cas' father had had complications from the medications and a second heart attack from which he did not recover before Castiel even made it to the hospital. It took Dean a good five minutes to get through to the man, and when he finally did, Castiel insisted that there was no need for him to fly out, that he would manage on his own somehow and try to see Dean after the funeral. But Dean was adamant, especially after hearing the state Cas was in, and thankfully eventually the man got the message that this was not open for discussion and accepted, giving Dean the address of his brother Gabriel's house, where he would be staying.

#

Dean made the trip down south in record time, just over nine hours, making one last stop for coffee outside the city limits, using the opportunity to stretch out his aching bones and call Cas. Like so many times before, and to his immense frustration, the call went straight to voicemail, so Dean left a message telling Cas he would be at his brother's house within the next hour.

He had just pulled back onto the road when his phone buzzed with a received text and not sparing road safety any thought, Dean fumbled for his cell and opened the message while simultaneously trying to watch the road. Cas texted that he was about to leave the hospital and would see him at Gabriel's place.

The closer to the house he got, the more Dean's eyes bulged. The houses in this neighborhood were not just nice, they were huge, with massive front yards, and driveways surrounded by big hedges, the likes he normally only saw on some fancy TV show. Gabriel certainly was doing well for himself. His own place was a massive two storey, double fronted, private drive leading to a two double garage affair and Dean felt very self-conscious as he pulled up in front of the house, half expecting the neighbors or cops to turn up and ask him his business here. He got out and rang the fancy sounding doorbell but had no reply. Luckily he didn't have long to fret about what to do until Cas would get here, as a few minutes later a taxi pulled up and out climbed a very, very miserable looking Cas, suitcase by his side. He must have gone straight to the hospital from the airport by the looks of it. He looked a little lost as he paid the driver and then just stood there, staring up at Dean like he couldn't really believe he was there. Dean couldn't help the swell of his heart at seeing his friend (boyfriend he reminded himself) in person after all these weeks, even if the circumstances were less than favorable.

Castiel gave him a tired smile, the strain of the last few days evident in his face, eyes red and puffy. Dean returned the smile and with a simple 'Hey Cas' he walked the short distance up to him and pulled him into a hug. Cas melted against him, burying his head in the crook of his chest, letting out a long suffering sigh. It was not the most preferable place for such a display of affection but neither seemed to care as they just stood an held each other for what felt like hours. Eventually Dean started to shuffle, as all that coffee made itself known to his bladder. He smiled apologetically at the dark haired man as he informed him of his need for the bathroom.

Castiel unlocked the door and ushered them both inside, pointing Dean in the direction of the downstairs bathroom, but not before telling him to take off his shoes as he took off his own. Cas walked in the direction of a room off to the side of the front door, where he put his shoes on the built-in shoe rack and hung up his trench coat on the hanger next to it. Dean could see why there was a no-shoes rule, the whole hallway was kitted out with puffy cream carpet, and the place generally looked more like a show home than a place where people actually lived. He quickly followed Cas, placing his shoes next to his and hanging up his jacket. Didn't Gabriel have kids, Dean tried to remember as he made his way to the bathroom. It didn't feel like a particularly welcoming place, but who was he to judge, it was definitely a step up from the Winchester home.

Castiel was in the kitchen chugging back a huge glass of water when Dean returned. He turned and smiled tiredly at Dean. He looked drawn and older than Dean remembered, and he just wanted to wrap him up and protect him from whatever mental agony he so clearly was in.

"I think you could do with a lie down." The teenager said softly, placing an arm on the older man's shoulder. He would have steered him towards the closest bed if he had any idea where that was actually located.

Cas hummed before suddenly turning towards Dean. "Sorry, you came all this way and- I didn't even- hello Dean."

"'S okay. You don't need to apologize," Dean said reassuringly, giving the man's shoulder a squeeze. "I- you really should lie down for a bit, when was the last time you slept?"

"No idea." Cas shrugged his shoulders. "I caught an hour or two on the plane here. But, you came all this way-"

"Don't worry about me." Dean smiled. "What room we're staying in anyway?" Castiel's eyes grew wide for a second and Dean feared he had overstepped his bounds by assuming they'd be staying in the same room. As far as he was concerned they were a couple but then again, this was not Cas' house but his brother's, so maybe he shouldn't have assumed.

"I mean- which room are you staying in? I can take the couch or-"

"No. I would rather have you with me- if that is acceptable?" Castiel sounded nervous and it brought a small smile to Dean's face. He sighed with relief and nodded, still he needed to make sure it was not just tiredness talking. "But your brother?"

"He knows we are together- again, I should say." Castiel scratched his stubbled chin, clearly still not that versed in talking about this relationship. "Somehow in all this chaos I found a moment to tell him, well more like he guessed after I told him about your intentions of coming here. He wasn't even surprised really, apparently he had fully expected for this to happen."

"Oh-" had they really been that obvious Dean wondered. But whatever, this was good in a way, one less person to have to keep secrets from. And at any rate, tomorrow was his seventeenth birthday which brought them another step closer to being able to have their relationship out in the open.

"Ok. Now that's sorted- let's get you to bed, show the way."

Castiel put up no resistance, grabbed his suitcase with one hand and with the other pulled Dean along and up the stairs and down a long corridor with white walls and pictures Dean just knew must be worth a fortune before opening the third door on the left and steering them through to a bright big room, the late evening sun streaming through two big double windows, giving the whole room a golden orangey glow. A big double bed was the center piece of the room, all made up with cream bedspreads and fluffy cushions, straight out of a Good Housekeeping magazine.

Castiel toed off his shoes and flopped back onto the bed, no bothering to pull back the covers or to remove any layers of clothing. He sighed, massaging his temples.

"Damn," he grumbled.

"What?" Dean enquired, spinning around, eyeing his boyfriend warily.

Nothing- just my head is literally splitting in two and I have no painkillers nor do I know where Gabriel keeps his, if he has any that is."

"I got some in my duffel- in the car. Back in a sec." Dean said and raced out of the room like he was on a mission. He would do anything to make Cas feel better and if all he could do right now was to provide painkillers, he'd happily do so. At least it would make him feel a little useful. He made it as far as the front door where he came to a screeching halt as the damn thing near hit him in the face.

"What the-" He cursed under his breath before coming face to face with Castiel's brother, who looked just as exhausted as Castiel, maybe even more so. The age difference between the brother's definitely showed this evening.

"Oh- hey." Dean offered as an awkward salutation, and Gabriel grunted in reply, eyeing him inquisitively, and Dean started to feel laid bare under the scrutinizing stare, especially with the knowledge that Gabriel _knew_.

"Just- you know- getting my bag from the car- Cas has a headache and- yeah, painkillers." He stuttered, suddenly feeling tongue tight. Gabriel just nodded as he took off his coat and shoes and headed for the kitchen leaving Dean to go get his bag.

The teenager returned a minute later, closing the door behind him. He walked into the kitchen with the intention of quickly grabbing Cas some water for the pills but stopped when he saw a slouched over Gabriel at the table, nursing what looked like a glass of triple bourbon in his hand. He was sure he should say something given the circumstances.

"Um- I'm sorry for your loss." Was the first thing he could think off, even as he cringed inwardly at the platitude.

Gabriel grunted and lifted his drink in a silent salute before gulping half of it back in one go. "To our beloved father." He drawled and Dean could have sworn he could detect a hint of sarcasm in there.

"Anyway, like everyone keeps on telling us, I'm sure he's in a much better place now." He knocked back the second half of his drink with those words.

Dean had no idea whether Gabriel expected him to reply, so he busied himself with fetching that glass of water he had intended on getting, letting out a non-committal grunt.

"Soo-" Dean's hairs stood on edge at the change in tone in Gabriel's voice. He turned to find himself being fixed by a set of amber eyes.

"Guess you got want you wanted in the end."

"What?" Dean was not really following.

"Oh don't play dumb with me. I'm talking about my little brother. I saw it all those years ago, you know-  even warned him about you- like that did much good." He huffed as he poured himself another helping of the drink.

"What? I- I didn't- I do-" Dean was fishing for word, feeling put on the spot, also- Gabriel warned Cas about him? Dean didn't know quite what to do with that information.

"Oh, not blaming you, well maybe a bit. But my idiot brother is old enough to make his own damn mistakes. But I do wonder whether you fully understand- you could really hurt him-"

"I would never-" Dean was quick to protest.

"Not now, but these issues, a relationship with a minor, you could still report him in years to come and cause him some serious trouble, especially in his profession. But let's assume you're not gonna do that still- there are enough states where you're relationship is still illegal until- how old are you now?"

"I'm gonna be seventeen tomorrow." Dean replied numbly. How could Gabriel even think that he could ever hurt Cas on purpose like that? He might be many things but malicious was not one of them.

"Mhhh. I just- I'm not sure either of you idiots know exactly what you've gotten yourself into and, can I be frank?"

Dean swallowed but nodded.

"I know that my brother would be in the wrong in the eye of the law, but _I_ saw him struggle with his feelings for you- and between us, I think we know who probably was the driving force for this- _relationship_ \- so I'm gonna give you the big brother speech only once, you try some shit on Castiel, now or later, and I will find you and it won't be pretty. I have contacts."

Dean gulped but nodded his head in understanding. In a way his estimation of the man just rose tenfold. Despite the not so veiled threat, Dean was glad that Cas had at least one member of his family who would look out for him.

"I understand."

"Good, now I'm heading for bed, I can't even see straight anymore. It's been some 48 hours, let me tell you." He said knocking back the rest of his drink. "Just keep it down, you two." He snorted the last bit before leaving a dumbfounded Dean standing in the kitchen. Dean briefly wondered where Gabriel's wife and kids were, he had spotted a family portrait in the hall earlier, but the thought didn't hold his attention for long. Instead they drifted back to Cas and the thought of him and his headache finally made Dean move.

Castiel was face down on the bed, arm slung over his head, like he was trying to block out any remainder of light.

"Hey." Dean sat down next to him, nudging him gently and placing the glass of water on the nightstand. Cas grunted in reply.

"Hold on." Dean said, placing the duffle on his lap and rummaging through it and eventually victoriously producing a pack of Advil. He pressed two tablet out of their casing and nudged Cas again, making the man turn his head. He held the pills out and Castiel obediently opened his mouth letting Dean place them onto his tongue then taking a gulp from the glass Dean held out to him before slumping back down.

"Just give them a few minutes to work." Dean said as he walked over to the windows and pulled the curtains shut, plunging the room into darkness, which he assumed was just what Cas' needed. He went back over to the bed and sat down next to the man, placing a soothing hand on the small of Cas' back.

"You want to sleep? Should I leave? I can go watch some TV or something." Dean enquired, unsure of how to be of any more help.

"No, stay." Castiel said, blindly reaching out with a hand, grabbing Dean's arm and pulling him down next to him. Dean let himself be pulled in easily and flopped down onto the bed molding himself against Cas, wrapping his arms around the man's body.

Cas moved into the touch shuffling his body infinitesimal closer to the teenager, reveling in the warm physical contact. A yawn escaped him as he rested his head against Dean's chest. He so wished he could just collapse and not wake up for at least a day but is mind was whirling and keeping him from finding that much needed rest. He felt warm lips brush against his forehead and opened his eyes, lifting his head slightly and was met with startling green ones. Cas sighed, allowing himself to enjoy the lingering warmth of Dean's lips. Encouraged by Cas' responsiveness, Dean started to place gentle pecks all over his face, forehead, eyebrows, cheeks and nose before gently pressing then against Cas' lips. God he wanted to take all that pain away if he could. But what could he possibly say or do, losing a parent was never easy, no matter whether they had been jerks.

Cas groaned into the kiss, and moved his lips against Dean's, tentatively at first but soon he was kissing back with more fervor, tongue slipping past the teenager's lips as he felt a sudden stirring deep in his gut, those voices that had been in his head for days, finally starting to fade. Hands found their way to the back of Dean's head where they pulled at his short strands and pulled him closer, mouth crushing together almost painfully, teeth clanging.

"Cas?" Dean mumbled as he pulled away for a much needed breath, the name loaded with an unspoken question, as the man started to paw at Dean's shirt, hand sneaking underneath and running up and down Dean's tummy and sides.

"Dean-" Cas moaned, suddenly not sounding tired anymore, but almost desperate, wanton.

"I- Dean, please." Cas groaned as his hand snuck to the button of Dean's jeans, brushing against the teenager's quickly hardening flesh in the process. Dean moaned and arched into the touch, even while he was trying to fully process the sudden change in atmosphere.

"God, Cas- we need to-" Dean stuttered, overwhelmed by the feeling of Cas' hand on his crotch.

"Dean, please, I need you," Cas whimpered as he nibbled at Dean's neck, the friction of the stubble sending a spark of arousal through Dean. He moaned wantonly, it has been too long and if this was what Cas needed right now, Dean could fully get behind that, as the physical need for Cas quickly was overriding all his senses.

"What? Cas- what do you need?" He breathed against Cas' cheek, making the man shiver.

"Need you, please, just Dean, fuck me- _please_." The words were more of a desperate grunt than actual words but the use of the unusual crude language sent another jolt of electricity straight to Dean's groin.

Before he could reply, Cas' lips were back against his and the man's hand was in his pants and Dean whined and moved with the touch, his own hands palming frantically at Cas' clothes, trying to get them out of the way. He had an urgent desperate need to feel some more of Cas' skin.

"But we don't- how-" Dean tried to retain some form of upper brain function despite Cas' continuous touches driving him crazy . There was no denying the intense desire for the man he was currently on top of, still nerves were making themselves known. Could he do this? Would he be good enough? What if he came too soon?

"My suitcase, toiletry bag." Cas instructed and Dean, half jumped half fell off the bed, as his legs got entangled in his jeans that somehow had ended up halfway down his knees. He rolled and stood up with a groan, shucking out of his trousers in the process. He tried to quieten his thoughts as he rummaged through Cas' suitcase, thinking that really it would have been easier if the man would have done this. A minute later he finally located a small tube of lube inside the toiletry bag, actual lube, still sealed. He turned around trying to give Cas a victorious smile, which slipped off his face when his eyes fell on a fully naked Cas, sitting on the bed, erection jutting out between his legs. Dean's stomach fluttered with excitement, heat traveling up his whole body. God, this man was beautiful and did things to him and if Cas wanted him now, wanted him to fuck him, circumstances be damned, he would try and give it to him.

Quickly taking off his shirt and pulling down his boxers, he climbed onto the bed, touching Cas' strong, hairy thighs, gently stroking up to his hipbones, where his hands came to rest, as their eyes met and Dean's stomach did another flip.

"Lie back." Dean said with more confidence than he felt, and gently pushed against Cas stomach.

"No." Cas protested, making Dean slow his movements. He watched Cas turn and get on his hands and knees in the middle of the bed, positioning himself for easy access.

"Like this." He simply said, looking back at Dean over his shoulder.

"Ok." Dean replied and placed a few kisses along Cas lower spine as his hands fumbled with the seal on the tube.

"Please, Dean." Cas all but begged, body already trembling, Dean could feel the slight tremor under his lips.

"Ok, Cas. I got you." He whispered against his skin, pretty much feeling like he was just making it up as he went as he stroked a wet finger against Cas' perineum moving over his entrance and hesitantly pushing in.

Cas groaned and moved back against his finger immediately, begging him for more already.

"Cas, gotta slow down." Dean remembered how it had felt getting breached down there for the first time, and as far as he knew Cas had never done this before either. He did not want to hurt him.

"Please, more- I just need to- feel-" Cas rasped out. Dean complied and pushed in a second finger. He could feel Cas spasm and clench around him, and was sure it must burn but Cas just begged him to keep going.

Cas felt the intrusion, the slight jolt of pain and burn, and it felt so good but it was not enough. He needed to feel more, wanted to feel alive, wanted to be so filled up with sensation that his thoughts would have no other option but to finally quieten down. He pushed back against Dean and again asked for more, and faster and when Dean finally put in a third finger, he moaned in pleasure as he got that brief reprieve from his mind, focusing in on Dean's fingers instead. Only it didn't last.

"Dean, please, just- do it now, please." Cas accentuated his plea by another thrust of his hips and he heard Dean groan needily behind him.

"You sure you're ready?" The teenager's voice sounded hesitant.

"Yes, just now- please." Cas needed this, needed Dean.

"Ok." Dean finally relented, feeling the last of his resolve break under his own desperate need to just feel Cas. He pulled out his fingers and adding a bit of extra lube lined himself up, already feeling strung too tight and silently prayed that this wouldn't all be over as soon as he pushed inside.

With a last warning and a comforting hand on the small of Cas' back he guided himself in and slowly breached Cas' tight muscle, grunting at the intense pleasure that cursed through him in that moment. He hardly had time to recover before he felt Cas push back against him, taking in all of him in one swift move.

Cas cried out. It hurt. He knew he hadn't been prepared enough but at the same time it was just what he needed. An excuse to finally let go. Tears, that he hadn't allowed to fall earlier at the hospital, not while under the scrutiny of his family, were stinging at the edge of his eyes and he finally, finally allowed them to fall, not needing to hold back anymore as he urged Dean on to please just start moving, voice trembling and hoarse.

Dean started slow and it took them a moment to find a rhythm but then Cas pushed back with desperation against each of Dean's thrusts and the sensations were overwhelming. Cas sobbed into the pillow, biting down onto it to hide the noises from Dean. His thoughts had returned and were running wild in his head. What if his family, his dad could see him like this? What would they say seeing him needy and desperate, getting fucked from behind just like some animal, and fucking loving it. Yes, Cas loved every second of this, loved the teenager who was behind him right now. Screw his family, how dared they look down on him and judge him. Even while he was at the hospital, at his own father's request, he had felt like an outcast. Fuck them all! They were no better than him.

"Cas, I'm not gonna-" Dean grunted breathlessly, pulling Cas out of his headspace. The teenager's thrusts had become erratic and he clung to Cas' hips with a tight grip. He just knew he wouldn't be able to last, and slowed down to try and stave off the inevitable just a bit longer.

"More Dean, please just- harder, hold me-" Cas moaned and pulled himself up a bit, grabbing the headboard to give him more leverage to push back. The new angle made Dean's erection hit his prostate and he cried out, mind going blissfully blank again, biting down on his arm to keep the noise down.

"Cas-" Dean panted. He was sure he had lost his mind. He had never expected this to feel so good, and the way Cas was pushing back and clenching around him, trembling with the early signs of release was nearly enough to have Dean fall over the edge.

"Dean- touch me." Cas whimpered and Dean, without hesitation, moved one of his hands, reached around to stroke hot flesh. Cas was a trembling mess and even though Dean really tried hard not to, it only took him another two thrusts before his orgasm overtook him, shooting out of him, and he couldn't help but to collapse on top of Cas' back, even as his hand still tried to keep some semblance of rhythmic strokes on Cas' cock.

Cas was frantically searching for friction and one of his hands joined Dean's, making the grip so much tighter, painfully so, Dean guessed, and moved them together in hard unyielding strokes until he too came a moment later.

They both collapsed onto the bed, Dean half on top of Cas, as they fought to get their breathing under control. For a long moment all Dean could hear was a buzzing in his ear and the beating of his heart. But when he came back around the silent sobs from the man next to him where like a bucket of cold water.

"Cas? Hey, you're ok?" He placed a hand over the man's back, who now was wracked by more body shudders as he couldn't hold back the tears.

"No." He managed to get out between gulps of air. Dean didn't know what to do. Had he hurt Cas? God, he never wanted to hurt Cas. He knew they had moved this whole thing along too fast. Just as he was working himself up into a mental frenzy, a hand clutched his own, and Cas turned and looked at him through red rimed eyes.

"No I'm not." Cas said taking a shuddering breath, looking deep into Dean's eyes, before resting his head against Dean's chest and clinging to Dean like he would disappear at any second. "But you're here, it helps." He added almost inaudibly, yet Dean caught the words and gripped Cas tight in response, one of his hands drawing soothing patterns on the small of Cas' back.

"I don’t- I didn't make it in time to say goodbye." Cas eventually said, as Dean felt renewed tears against his bare chest. "I never get to find out why he wanted me to come, what he wanted to say to me." Cas carried on, grief evident in his voice and Dean, for a lack of what else to do, just held him tighter.

After a moment he felt Cas' head shift and was met with shiny blue, red rimmed eyes. Cas brought his head up and placed a kiss on Dean' now trembling lips, as he too suddenly felt like crying.

"Thank you." Cas said after a long moment of silence where they just clung onto each other.

"What for?" Dean enquired.

"For everything. For not listening to me and coming here, for giving me just want I needed, for- loving me." He near whispered the last few words and Dean might have almost missed them.

"Always." Dean declared and sealed this simple truth with another gentle kiss. Cas' head fell against his chest and Dean could feel the exhaustion finally catch up with the man, his lover, as his eyelids kept drooping close. He whispered sweet nothings in his ear and stroked his hair until Cas finally fell asleep. Only once Dean was certain Cas was out for the night did he allow himself to move the man under the blankets. He joined him a moment later and wrapping his arms and legs around the older man, soon followed him into dream land.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bottom Cas. Also slightly rough sex, which I hope will make sense in the context of the chapter.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I'm just gonna post this now, despite not being 100% happy with it, but it's one of those chapters I could edit forever (and have done for the last week and not sure whether I'm actually improving it or making it worse). Also, apologies in advance for any mistakes and for the slight cliffhanger.

Dean was the first to wake up. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes and it took him a moment to piece together where he was as he took in the unfamiliar surroundings. Judging by the faint light streaming through the curtains, which did a sub-par job at blacking out the room, it was early in the morning. Cas was still lost to the world, back pressed tight against Dean's chest, the man's own rising and falling evenly with the peace of sleep as soft snores escaped him. One of Dean's arms was loosely flung around Cas' waist and he instinctively tightened the hold he had on the warm body, burying his face in the nape of Cas' neck. He closed his eyes again. It was too early to even entertain the idea of getting up, plus he didn't get chances like this often, to just revel in the other man's presence and he always had the urge to make the most of these rare occasions.

The teenager let the rhythmic breathing of Cas soothe him and soon was about to doze off again, when he felt the body next to him start to stir. Dean pressed his lips against the skin on Cas' neck in a silent good morning as he draped himself around the man more fully. Cas hummed in response, his hand finding Dean's and interlacing their fingers. They stayed like that for a few minutes, giving Cas time to wake up, their thumbs absentmindedly rubbing patterns into each others palms. Eventually Cas felt coherent enough and a need to set eyes on Dean unfurled in his stomach. With a grunt and a yawn he turned in the teenager's tight grip until they were face to face. Dean smiled warmly at Cas. A big pillow crease marred one side of his gorgeous scruffy face and Dean brought up his hand tracing the patterns with his fingers, smiling at the older man who still looked at most half-awake.

"Morning." Dean closed the small distance pressing his lips gently against Cas'.

"Morning." Cas replied, voice raspy from sleep, bleary blue eyes fixed on Dean.

"How are you feeling?" Dean enquired while gently brushing his thumb along Cas' jaw.

Cas face pulled up into a frown as he seemed to be taken mental stock of his state of well-being.

"Kind of gross and sticky." He replied after a moment, wriggling as if to prove the point. "I must have been really out of it last night, falling asleep like this."

Dean felt heat rising in his cheeks at the mention of last night, images of what they did coming to him fast, causing an exited flutter in his stomach. Also he internally cursed himself for having forgotten the clean-up duty. He couldn't really have expected Cas to remember. Thankfully, before he could start working himself up over his stupid oversight, he felt the press of dry chapped lips and closed his eyes, melting into the kiss, his hands finding the back of Cas' neck and pulling him in. One of Cas' hands wrapped around Dean in response, his long fingers trailing delicately over Dean's spine, making the teenager shiver.

After a long moment Castiel pulled away with a smacking sound and sat up. Dean opened his eyes at the loss of contact, gazing dazedly at the man next to him. "I really could do with a shower," Castiel said, pulling his arms over his head in a well needed stretch. His muscles and backside were aching from last night's activities but it was a welcome pain. In hindsight, it might have not been the most healthy setting, their sexual relationship was still new and fragile after all, but Castiel couldn't deny that it achieved what he had so desperately needed last night. Distraction and comfort. He hoped Dean had enjoyed it just as much as he had. His mouth curled up into a tiny smile at the memory.

He leaned into Dean's personal space again. "Thank you for last night, it was immensely pleasurable," Cas whispered against Dean's lips and Dean felt a stirring in his gut at the memory of how amazing it had felt being inside of Cas.

Dean wanted to say something snarky in reply, not wanting to let on just how much Cas' word were affecting him, as red spread across his cheeks all the way down his neck, but all that came out was some garbled half sentence, which had Castiel chuckle as he placed a peck on the teenager's cheek before getting off the bed and rolling his shoulders. Dean let his eyes rake over the flexing back muscles, before moving his gaze down Cas' whole body and then up again, licking his lips subconsciously as he unashamedly took in the strong glorious form of the man.

"Coming?" Cas glanced at Dean from over his shoulder.

Dean could only nod as he swallowed, throat feeling too dry, and pulled aside the blanket climbing out of the bed after Cas. He suddenly felt nervous and exposed. Despite them having had sex twice now, it still felt somewhat odd being stark naked in front of another person once not in the throws of passion. Dean was well aware that he wasn't half bad looking, had been told too many times for it not to be true. But compared to Cas he felt like the lanky teenager still growing into his body that he was. After his latest growth spurt he had the height, maybe even was an inch taller than the man, but Dean wished he would gain some body mass already. He self-consciously flapped his hands in front of his midsection, but then Cas turned and gave him that small, barely there lopsided smile Dean had come to love so much and held out a hand which Dean took; the momentary feeling of awkwardness dispelled.

Dean let himself be pulled into the adjoining bathroom where he watched Cas turn on the shower, fiddling with the dials until he thought the water sufficiently hot and steam started to fog up the mirror.

"Why don't you get in, I just fetch the shampoo and shower gel from my suitcase," Cas said. Dean nodded but before he got in, he quickly relieved himself, because doing so with Cas in the room would just be plain awkward and the running water of the shower had reminded his body that he really needed to go sooner rather than later. He hummed happily as he got under the hot stream, letting his skin and muscles soak up the warmth. Cas joined him a minute later, sighing with contentment as he positioned himself under the water.

It was a comfortable fit for two people but still within minutes their bodies were pressed together tight, drawn to each other like two magnets. Dean molded himself against Cas, working his fingers through Cas' wet strands and meeting the man's lips with his own in a slow and lazy kiss. It was sheer and utter bliss and Dean could feel himself harden instantly under Cas' gentle ministrations, tongue licking into his mouth and hands roaming freely over his shoulders and back. Cas on the other hand wasn't even quite at half mast. Dean could tell from where the man's crotch was pressed up against his hips, and appeared to be looking more for comfort than anything sexual.

Dean broke the kiss, trying to calm his body. "Sorry, just-" He shot Cas an apologetic look before moving his gaze down somewhere near his feet , silently reprimanding his teenage hormones for always running rampage.

"Hey." Castiel placed his hand on Dean's chin, thumb tracing along the jaw as he tipped the teenager's head up slightly so he had no choice but to meet his eyes. Droplets of water were dripping deliciously from his long lashes and Cas' gaze followed their paths for a second before looking back up into the teenager's green eyes.

"Never apologize! Not for this." The older man said softly as he pulled Dean in again, kissing him with more fervor than before. "I love how I can make you feel like this," he mumbled, lips so close they brushed against Dean's, their breaths mingling. "Plus I remember what is was like, being young and having hormones go wild," he chuckled. It was a testament to how far Cas had come with regards to their relationship, being able to openly hint at their age difference and only have a very minor internal freak-out, which passed almost as soon as he had uttered the words.

Dean honest to god giggled, pressing his face in the crook of Cas' neck to hide his slight embarrassment at his childish outburst. It didn't take him long to recover his wits tough, having Cas in this close proximity, his hands all over his body, was a surefire way to get Dean going, and the need for more quickly overrode anything else. Dean's lips found Cas' neck and he sucked and nipped at that sensitive spot just below the man's ear who uttered a delicious groan in response that went straight to Dean's already straining erection. Suddenly the teenager felt strong hands at his waist, and found himself swiftly being spun around, Cas pressing his chest against Dean's back and holding him tight with one hand while the other traced teasingly down his chest and abdomen, coming to rest on Dean's hard flesh. Without further hesitation his strong hand engulfed Dean's shaft in a tight grip and Dean couldn't hold back a moan as his head fell back against Cas' shoulder.

"Close you eyes." Castiel whispered against Dean's ear. Dean could feel the low rumble reverberate in Cas' chest, and did as he was told. Cas' hand made quick work of things, and within minutes Dean was a panting mess, one hand pressed against the tile of the shower wall to keep him upright as Cas expertly pushed him close to the edge with well timed strokes. He came with a desperate shout a moment later, turning his head just enough to be able to capture Cas' lips with his own, kiss desperate and messy and wet as the spray of the water hit them square in the face.

Once he could move again, Dean turned in Cas' arms, never breaking the kiss as his arms wrapped around the man in a possessive grip. One hand found its way down towards Cas' crotch, eager to return the favor, but Cas grabbed it with one of his own, placing it on his chest, directly over his heart instead.

"Another time." He uttered against Dean's lips, nibbling at the teenager's bottom lip, and Dean nodded in understanding, instead trying to put all the affection he felt for the older man into the kiss.

After a few minutes of tender kisses and nips, Castiel pulled away and grabbed the shampoo, pouring a general helping into his hand and went on to gently massage it into Dean's hair, then positioning his head under the stream, rising it out with soft strokes through Dean's strands. He continued to wash the teenager's body and Dean be damned, but if Cas continued to touch him like that, with such reverence and care, he might get aroused again rather fast. Dean still struggled with accepting someone lavishing that much attention on him but he held back the protest and tried to take pleasure in the fact that Cas so clearly enjoyed what he was doing.

He eventually got to return the favor, exploring Cas' body in detail as his hands rubbed shower gel all over his skin, from the man's strong shoulders down to his sharp hip bones and further, feeling the strength in Cas' thighs and calves. He finished just in time for the hot water to run out. Shutting the water off, Castiel got out and grabbed two towels, handing one to Dean and drying himself off with the other as he walked back into the bedroom, rummaging through his suitcase for something suitable to wear that wasn't too creased.

Dean was half dressed, just about to pull on a black short sleeved shirt, when out of the blue Cas grabbed him and pulled him onto his lap. Dean followed willingly although not able to hold in a little yelp of surprise, and soon settled comfortably against the man, looking at him inquisitively, resting his arms around Cas' neck.

"I almost forgot. Happy birthday." Cas said with a small smile, looking deep into Dean's eyes. "Sorry it is not how we had planned celebrating it." And suddenly that tired, haunted look was back in Cas' eyes and Dean would have done anything to chase it away again.

"Hey, it's ok. My birthday really doesn't matter that much. It's you that matters right now. I'm here for you, if you need to talk or not- just tell me, alright." Dean implored, giving Cas a small smile.

Cas just gazed back for a long time, taking in everything about the amazing young man in his lap. He felt his eyes well up and couldn't even say why. It was at least half in sheer adoration for Dean and also because of the grief he knew was just there, simmering away under the surface. He didn't really know what he wanted or needed right now but having Dean here definitely helped in some capacity. It stopped him from just crumbling under the weight of it all. Functioning was what he would have to do for the next few days, at least until the funeral, and with Dean here, Castiel felt like he might just be able to do it.

"Ok." Castiel said eventually, swallowing back a lump in his throat and pulling Dean close against him, soaking up the boy's presence for a moment before he let go, and they continued to dress in silence.

When they came downstairs, Gabriel was already sitting at the kitchen table, phone in hand. By the sound of it he was talking to Balthazar, who as the oldest apparently had appointed himself the person in charge of funeral arrangements. Dean and Castiel busied themselves with making breakfast, while trying no to eavesdrop, and Gabriel nodded when the younger Novak asked if he wanted some as well.

Gabriel relayed to them over coffee and pancakes that the family were to gather that afternoon to talk over the plans of who was to do what, and most of all to support their mother through this. He put in a half-hearted protest about not bringing Dean along and Castiel was almost about to agree when Dean brought up the point that all the other spouses (not that Cas and he were married or anything but the point stood regardless) would be there and that Cas had a right to some moral support just like everyone else. After Gabriel sarcastically congratulated his brother on having found himself a 'feisty' one, he implored them to at least hold back on the _relationship_ part of their relationship in front of the Novak family (and half the church congregation that no doubt would show up throughout the next few days to give their condolences). They agreed, Dean begrudgingly so and more for Cas' sake than Gabriel's, not happy at all but knowing a good compromise when it stared him in the face.

#

The next few days until the funeral where emotionally challenging, to say the least, and that was not taking into account all the logistics that had to be dealt with for the funeral. Dean would have never assumed that there were so many calls that needed making and documents and general arrangements that needed taking care of, not to mention the speeches and the actual service and the liturgy.

By the time they dragged their tired bodies back to Gabriel's that first evening, Dean had a pretty good read on all of Cas' family and was under no false allusion that his boyfriend was only tolerated because of the old Novak's wish to see him before he died. His siblings, except for Gabriel, interacted a bare minimum with either of them, although Balthazar oh so gracefully "allowed" Castiel to have input in the flower arrangements and wreaths when he handed out jobs that needed doing. Dean would have rolled his eyes at the asshole's 'generosity' if the occasion hadn't been tragic to begin with.

Castiel's mother was something else entirely. She was a presence to behold, stoic and composed even in her pain, while still managing to give Dean the death glare, communicating very clearly that in her eyes he had no right to be there. She watched Cas and him interact out of the corner of her eyes and at one point pulled her youngest son away into a quiet corner for 'words'. As they had planned, they kept a respectable distance throughout all their dealings with Cas' family, trying their utmost to not allude to anything more than a rather unusual friendship. Yet, Dean couldn't shake the feeling that she saw right through it, knew exactly in what capacity he was here. It probably was some weird intuition or something, and it made him rather uncomfortable, as even if the issue of Castiel's sexuality hadn't been a problem (and they were only too aware that it was), Dean's bare brush with legality certainly would be. He only hoped that whatever Castiel told his mother would be enough to appease her.

To Castiel's surprise, his extended family and friends that dropped by over the days that followed by and large seemed pleased to see him, although they appeared puzzled as to his prolonged absence. It became clear pretty quick that his family hadn't disclosed the actual reason for his disappearance. Castiel grew more and more weary with every hour he had to spent answering questions about his life and why his lovely wife hadn't accompanied him. He had thought about just making a scene and telling everyone he was oh so g.a.y. for about 2.5 seconds, imagining the gasps and look of horror on people's faces. He had not fought so hard to come out of the closet only to be shoved back into it. But no matter how satisfying it might have felt in the moment, it was just not the time and place, he would not add more reason for his family to despise him. Anyway, it wasn't like he could hold the hand of the object of his affection without bringing down literal fire and brimstone, so he kept quiet and smiled, eyes searching out Dean amongst the people, whenever he had a chance.

Dean for his part felt like a rare species on display. Apart from Mrs. Novak's death glares, he more than once had to deal with exactly the kind of nosy probing questions from family and neighbors Cas and he were trying to avoid. He was asked what his relation to the Novaks was and being eyed with suspicion when he pointed to the wayward son in response. Sure, it must seem weird for a grown man to have a teenager for a friend and more, being their person of moral support, but why did people even care? It was none of their business a far as Dean was concerned, but it was the closest to the truth he could answer without giving away too much. It was not his problem if people's minds were too narrow to imagine such a friendship to be possible. The only person he cared for was Cas, he couldn’t give a rat's ass about anybody else's opinions. It really took a lot out of him to downplay what exactly Cas meant to him, and by the end of the first day he was exhausted and just craved Cas' closeness, wanted to curl up to him and never let go, while simultaneously trying to be the one to uphold the man through this whole situation.

It was no surprise that that evening and the ones that followed were mainly spent curled up under the blankets, giving physical and emotional support, making up for touches and displays of affection they were not allowed to show around other people during the day but which both were in desperate need of.

Gabriel spent his evenings mostly in the kitchen with a bottle or two of red wine keeping him company. He had disclosed to Castiel and Dean after the second evening of falling asleep drunk and alone on the couch, that his wife had taken herself and the kids to stay at her parents' house as she did not want to expose their children to the 'alternative lifestyle' Castiel was representing. Castiel immediately offered to find a hotel for Dean and himself but Gabriel just let out a bitter huff and said that his wife could 'stick her attitude where the sun don't shine', and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'good riddance' under his breath.

#

The funeral was a rather big affair. The Novaks' local church was one of the larger ones in the area and Dean guess would be that at least 300 people turned up. When they lowered the coffin into the ground, Dean could hear Cas' breathing turning from heavy to erratic, sounding suspiciously like he was fighting back tears, and without thinking he took the man's hand in silent support before he remembered where they were. But as he was about to let go, Cas grabbed back with all his strength and Dean didn't dare to let go after that. He defiantly glared down Balthazar and Raphael who gave them some dirty looks from the other side of the grave, Cas thankfully was completely oblivious to the silent exchange.

All too soon in was time for Castiel to fly back to Chicago. Dean didn't want to let him go on his own, knew that Cas was not alright, but as it was, he needed to go back to Sioux Falls. He was behind in summer school, only got the week off because of the slight white lie that a family relative had died. But he knew he couldn't mess up his education any more than he already had, no matter how much he wanted to stay with Cas. He still had that whole showing everyone that he could be a responsible adult and make wise decisions to work on. He made the man promise to call him at least twice every day though and they agreed that Dean would try and come down to see Cas in Chicago for a weekend before school started up again. With a heavy heart both went their separate ways.

#

"Squirt, you're ready? I have no problems leaving without you." Dean shouted up the stairs. He had been up for the better part of two hours and was just itching to get going already. Why oh why had he agreed to take Sam along with him? Oh right, because the little menace had literally talked his ears off with how much he wanted to see Cas and Amelia again.

"I can't leave without my cell." Sam's muffled yell came back from upstairs and Dean rolled his eyes.

"Try calling it." He suggested, really needing to get out of here now, and regretting the fact that he was the one that had bought his brother that stupid phone in the first place.

"D'uh, it's on silent," Sammy retorted all too cockily.

"Oh for fuck's sake. Sammy I'm leaving." If they don't hit the roads now, they would no doubt get stuck in work traffic and add at least 30 minutes to their trip.

"Found it. Coming." Sam raced down the stairs, almost tripping over his gangly legs, which he still didn't seem to have full control over after his latest growth spurt.

Their old man was around somewhere in the house, hopefully getting ready for work but Dean didn't exactly feel like saying goodbye, not after the fit John threw when he announced that he would be off to Chicago for the weekend. It had been the first time in weeks Dean had actually attempted to talk to his old man, and just like so many times before, it ended in a shouting match, that Sammy had to break up. The actual reason for the trip was not even mentioned, it didn't have to be, John might be a recovering alcoholic but he was not stupid. And just for a moment there, Dean had considered conceding, if only to keep the peace and not wanting to risk pushing his dad over the edge into drinking again. He still blamed himself for his father's latest failure, which almost cost him his life and would have left Sammy and himself without any family, but mostly he was just so tired of it all and wanted some kind of normality, if not for himself then at least for Sammy. But the idea of not seeing Cas until Christmas or possibly even later was not even an option.

Dean knew that really there was not much his dad could do, other than possibly throw him out or go off the rails again. Dean had his age on his side now, so ignoring all his reservations and the nagging voice of guilt, he managed to stand up to him. He still had no idea how Sammy got the go-ahead for the trip, but suspected Bobby or Jody to be behind that.

Taking a road trip with his little brother was nice. With everything that had happened this last year, they really hadn't had a chance to spent much bonding time together and as they were driving down the interstate, windows open and Sammy singing along loudly, albeit off-key, to one of Dean's favorite songs, Dean couldn't keep the grin off his face, things just felt right.

#

Cas felt stupidly giddy as he paced around the house, a bit at a loss of what to do with himself as he waited for the brothers to arrive. The last couple of weeks had been hard. He had to emotionally recover from the backlash of the recent involvement with his family and deal with his grief over having lost his father without having had a chance to say goodbye or to find out why he had wanted to say to Castiel before he died. To his surprise his mother had kept up weekly phone calls. They were nothing out of the ordinary, mainly just small talk and the odd enquiry about his job, but it was something, maybe a start, a willingness to somehow reconnect. Damn that small flicker of hope that had started to take up life in Castiel's heart again. Gabriel had been suspiciously quiet since the funeral and Castiel could only hope that he was doing ok.

He checked the spare bedroom once more. For a short while it used to hold both the brothers' beds. Now it had a brand new double bed and wardrobe in it, a place for Sam to stay (and Dean should he decide that he didn't want to share his room while his brother was here). Castiel checked his watch. It would be at least another hour before he expected the Winchesters to arrive and reluctantly the man padded into his study, trying to focus on his research for his latest project, a book. He didn't quite know yet how he would transform his latest idea into the written form, unsure what angle to approach it from, but he had always been fascinated with the influence time periods and cultures had on meanings of words or even whole scriptures and their translations. Because of his own history, he had an obvious interest in religious texts but he also was aware that those were generally already well documented. But maybe he could put a new spin on the subject. Castiel was already well versed in Latin but this also required him to acquire more ancient language skills, something which he generally enjoyed. He even managed to get lost in an old Hebrew text he had dug up on the internet for a while when the doorbell rang.

As expected, it was the brothers. Dean didn't even get a chance to say more than 'Hi' before a grinning Sammy flung himself at Cas, and almost knocked the man over in the process.

"My god, you have grown." Castiel chuckled as he returned the hug, eyes resting over the boys' shoulder on Dean's smiling face. Castiel felt a warmth spread through his body and one person should not be able to have that effect on him but Dean just did.

"Hey, my turn." The older Winchester protested, but grinned as he shoved his little brother aside, reaching for Cas, and not really paying Sam's annoyed "You just saw him a few weeks ago" any mind. He had missed just being held by those strong arms and as he leaned into his boyfriend, his scent filling his senses, Dean felt like coming home.

Castiel let go after a moment, smiling at the brothers in turn and ruffling Sam's hair before ushering them inside. He had a weird feeling settle in his gut. Finally his house didn't feel empty any longer, there was life in it. Castiel almost chuckled at the thought. He used to be such a stickler for quiet and order but now, with Sammy leaving his bag right there at the bottom of the stairs, bounding around the house, commenting on how little it had changed and 'wow, is that a new TV' and Dean leaving his shoes just there in the hallway, not where Cas would have put them, it was like things just suddenly fell into place.

He told the brothers to leave their bags in the spare room, pulling Dean aside for a second, asking him in a quiet voice whether he'd be staying with Sam and quirking his lips up into a small smile when Dean just rolled his eyes in that endearing way.

"Are you crazy? I share a room with him all the time, plus- I missed you." Dean added with a wink, leaning in to steal a quick kiss while his brother was out of sight.

"Really, Dean?" Sammy said in mock horror but grinned, peeking his head out the door. He had never quite seen his brother and Cas interact in this coupely fashion and it felt a bit weird. Probably he was not used to seeing this side of Dean, but his brother had that peculiar sappy glow about him and Cas was a good guy and in the end Sam was happy for them.

"Shut up." Dean retorted but could feel his face heat up. No matter that Sammy knew and was ok with their relationship, being caught red handed by your kid brother was not cool, but something he would have to get used to, because he had not really planned on holding back his affection for Cas in the few days they were here.

The afternoon was spent with catching up, Sammy telling Cas animatedly about all his latest school projects and friends he made and Cas listening intently. Dean mainly just sat in silence, apart from the odd ribbing when Sam turned too nerdy, and smiled, observing his boyfriend and brother interact like they had never been apart. Finally they all headed out for pizza and Sam was glued to the car window, excitedly pointing out landmarks and shops he remembered. Sam started to droop off around ten, almost too tired to finish his ice-cream, clearly worn out from a day's traveling. Dean insisted that, if anything, he should be the one slacking as he had been the one doing most of the hard work and that Sammy was just a wuss which earned him a kick in the shin from his brother and an amused laugh from Cas. They bundled Sammy up once Cas settled the bill and headed back home. Dean managed to get his brother awake enough to make him get out of his clothes and brush his teeth before he collapsed into his bed.

Cas and Dean too decided that it might be best for them to head to bed and changed into their pajamas, which in Dean's case was a t-shirt and boxers, and although Dean could feel himself grow tired, there was no way he would just go to sleep and miss this opportunity to spend some quality time with Cas.

The pajamas turned out to be somewhat unnecessary as no twenty minutes later they were both naked, clothes having been peeled off layer by layer until it was just warm skin against warm skin, as they reacquainted themselves with each other through touch and quietly whispered words.

Dean at one point begged for Cas to be inside him, driven crazy with want from extended kisses and the man's hands all over his body. And as weird as that request should feel, what with his brother next door and all, he could not get himself to care, even if he sounded needy beyond belief, the overwhelming urge to feel Cas was all consuming.

Cas' eyes grew darker and hungrier the more Dean begged, and then finally with a 'You just gotta keep quiet' he gave Dean what he wanted, craved so desperately. Cas' fingers inside him felt electric, his movements so much more confident than the first time they did this, and Dean had to bite his arm to stop himself from moaning too loud as he was opened up torturously slow, dissolving into a whimpering mess as he clung on to the man's broad shoulders. Dean was just about to shout out in frustration for Cas to get on with it, when fucking finally the man added that extra bit of lube and grabbed the teenager's hips hard as he buried himself deep inside Dean's tight heat in one slow continuous motion. Dean barely managed to suppress a groan and wrapped his arms and legs around the man, needing all of him as close as possible as they slowly, quietly started to move, Dean attaching his lips hungrily to Cas' own.

But no matter how quiet they kept their breathing and moans and kisses, the bed eventually started to squeak in that telltale rhythmic fashion as Cas picked up speed, and made Dean gasp (too loudly) when he hit his prostate. They had to stop after a particularly loud bang of the headboard against the wall, both trying not to just dissolve into an embarrassed fit of giggles as they somehow managed to relocate to the floor. Dean now on his hands and knees and Cas positioned behind him, holding his waist with one hand as he entered him again and reached around with the other, wrapping it around Dean's erection. They didn't hold back after that, thrusts became harder and frantic and within minutes they were curled up on the floor, sated and relaxed and sticky, ignoring the mess for now as they exchanged lazy kisses and it was without a doubt the most natural they had been together so far.

#

The next day started slow with a late breakfast and if Sam had heard anything the night before he managed to keep a straight face, for which Dean was _very_ grateful.

In the afternoon they would meet with Amelia. Dean had mixed emotions about it. It would be the first time he would see her in his capacity as Castiel's boyfriend and he still was not a hundred percent sure what her stance on this relationship was. But he would do his damn hardest to show her, tell her that this was what he wanted, what was right for both of them, and he just prayed that she would see the good thing they had going here. If not, he just hoped for Sam to charm the pants off of her, as these two always had been close. If anything, as he saw Sam's excited face at the prospect of meeting Amelia after all these months, he couldn't help but get excited himself.

They met for a coffee in one of those upmarket city coffee shops, Sammy yet again retelling tales of his school life, beaming at Amelia as he sipped his hot chocolate, her face matching Sam's perfectly, she clearly had missed the brothers, or most definitely Sam, and Dean would forever be grateful for her for giving Sammy even a glance of what it might have been like to have a loving mother.

Dean had found a moment to talk to Amelia, having felt her gaze on him and Cas for most of their time in the coffee shop, like she was trying to gauge what was really going on, feel out the situation. Maybe looking for any signs of a power imbalance or coercion. He didn't really say much just that he knew it was an unconventional situation but there was no need to worry or blame her ex. Dean really cared for Cas and Cas for him and they were good together and wasn't that what it was ultimately all about. Somehow that must have been a good thing to say as she seemed to relax afterwards. Cas sat quietly for the most part, but smiled fondly at everyone, a look that Dean wanted to see more often on the man. After too much coffee and talking they made their way to the cinema, almost like old times, only now Dean and Cas were allowed to openly show their affection for one another, even it that mainly consisted of long glances and stupid grins.

They observed another gay couple being affectionate while in the ticket queue, and Dean and Cas in turn exchanged another of their goofy smiles while subconsciously keeping a small distance between them, like they had gotten used to over these past years. But Dean had one of his 'Screw It' moments because really there was no reason for this any longer. So just before he headed off to grab some snacks for everyone, he closed the distance and placed a peck on Cas' cheek before turning with a wink. Castiel was flabbergasted for a second but then smiled, looking after Dean and wanting nothing more than to return the gesture, and even Amelia couldn't hide the fond expression that flitted across her face. Castiel was surprised but chanced a guess that whatever Dean had said to his ex-wife earlier must have won her over, because he had seen the tension in her face for most of the afternoon. He would have to ask Dean about it later. He didn't really get a chance to dwell on it for long when a familiar voice called out his name.

"Castiel?"

He turned around and came face to face with his (other) ex, whom he hadn't set eyes on since their break-up, having avoided to go back to the group where they had met, even if that had meant losing some of his other friends in the process. But he had just felt too bad for how he had treated him and some of those feelings came now rushing back to him, even as he gave Alan a warm smile, allowing himself to relax a little when the other man smiled at him in return.

"Hello, Alan."

"Hey man, it's been like- it's good to see you, I mean- yeah- not that it was- " Alan stuttered for a bit, taking in a deep breath. "No, it's good to see you. Look, I know we left things in a weird spot, and I was mad for a long time but- you just dropped off the face off the earth. How have you been?" Alan shuffled his feet.

Castiel gulped. He would have to give a very long overdue apology. Thankfully Amelia seemed to have sensed the serious undertone in the conversation and took Sammy aside with the promise of buying some ice-cream.

Castiel looked to his shoes before bringing his eyes back up to meet the other man's. "I have been well, for the most part. But I know I owe you an apology and while I might not be able to fully explain my behavior back then to you, I need you to know that-"

"Water under the bridge." Alan shrugged his shoulders. "It's been a long time ago now, and as they say, time heals."

"Still, you deserved better than that, and I am very, very sorry for having put you through that."

"Thank you." Alan said sincerely after letting the words sink in for a moment. "We're still running that group, you know. And people are still asking about you, so if you want to maybe come along one time."

Castiel allowed himself a small smile. "That would be nice."

"Hey Cas, got you some super sugary toffee, and you and Gabe are definitely related if you like this stuff." Dean appeared seemingly out of nowhere from behind Alan and without turning to look at who Cas was talking to stepped right into his personal bubble and gave his waist an affectionate squeeze while hogging a massive container of popcorn and other sweets with his other. Cas going rigid at his touch was definitely not something Dean expected and he quickly turned his head to follow Castiel's gaze who was staring at a man, oh shit, his ex, whose eyes in turn were glued to where Dean's hands were still rested on Cas' waist. Dean removed it with lighting speed and took a step to the side, trying to recover by giving this dude a beaming smile.

"Hey, I know you, you are-" Dean fished for a name- something with 'A', he was sure.

"Alan." The man stated, even as he raised an eyebrow questioningly at Castiel.

"Alan, you remember Dean." Cas said, sounding much calmer than he felt.

"Yes, yes I do. The neighbor's kid. So are you two here- _together_?" He placed an awful amount of emphasis on the word 'together' as his eyebrows narrowed in a frown and it had both Cas and Dean flounder. It shouldn't matter what this guy thought, Dean tried to convince himself, only that it did. If Alan even entertained any inkling that there might have been something going on between him and Cas before now, shit might go down.

"Yeah, I mean we're all here, Cas 'n me and Amelia and Sammy, you know, kind of like a family trip." Dean huffed nervously.

"Ah yeah Sammy. How is he doing?" Alan sounded sincerely interested and Dean thanked any gods he could think of for his little brother and his ability to make friends with virtually anyone.

"He's great actually. We moved up to Sioux Falls, just here for a visit, and what can I say, schools great, you might remember what a nerd the guy is."

"Yes, he is very bright. So- things are good, also with your family?" And damn, Dean almost forgot that this guy had been privy to some of their issues. But he just smiled right back at the man.

"Yeah, we're all doing fine. New scenery and all- you know. Just needed the change."

Alan nodded, seemingly mollified by the answer, yet he still had that slight suspicious look in his eyes as he studied Cas and Dean closely even as he abruptly made his goodbyes to go back to his friends as their movie was about to start. Dean hoped, no prayed, they'd done enough damage limitation to not raise any real alarm bells.

Cinema was not as relaxing an experience as they had hoped. Cas felt tense and like he was being watched, and Dean, if he was being honest, felt the same as by some sheer misfortune they ended up watching the same movie as Cas' ex and his friends. Even back home it took them a while to shake the uncomfortable feeling but eventually as they curled up in bed together, the feeling or familiarity and right returned to them.

The weekend was over all too soon and reluctantly they shared a last breakfast before bringing their bags out to the car, Sammy giving Dean and Cas a moment of privacy to say a proper goodbye, probably meaning lots of kissing, which he really didn't need to see, and then they had to make the long trek back to Sioux Falls, where a new school year awaited them. Dean's mind was mainly busy with working out any possible times in which he would be able to meet up with Cas again, because not seeing him for months on end just wasn't an option.

#

Cas had just finished putting his shopping away and felt worn out after a first full day back at the university, when the doorbell rang. Right now someone standing at the door was definitely not welcome and he half wished for whoever it was to just go away. He sighed as the doorbell rang again but as it was obvious that he was home there was no point hiding.

He trudged over to the door and when he opened it, and was met with the sight of two police officers, he nearly swallowed his tongue.

"Mr. Castiel Novak?" The female officer asked.

"Yes, how can I help you?" Castiel's brain was whirring even as he smiled at the two officers.

"We apologize for any inconvenience, just that in light of some recent accusations against your person, we need to ask you a few questions. Now at this stage it is just informal but your cooperation would be greatly appreciated and would most likely help to clear this up faster. As you might appreciate we have an obligations to follow up any serious allegations, even if they turn out to be false."

"Oh, yes of course. But may I enquire what this is about?" Castiel's throat felt tight even as his heart started to beat frantically. He had a bad feeling about this.

"Do you know a Dean Winchester?"


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it took me this long to get this out. But in my defence, I had the whole chapter finished about two weeks ago, hated it, and basically rewrote the whole thing (after stewing a few days over the unfairness that I had to scrap 6000+ words). The way I had this bit of the story planned out suddenly didn't make much sense in light of past chapters, and as I always try to strive for continuity, I felt I had no other option but to get rid of it and instead go with the obvious choice with regards to the whistle-blower. I hope it won't take away from the overall impact of the chapter. 
> 
> I just keep my fingers crossed that you will find the way I have taken the story satisfactory (in a good and a bad way, as there will be some drama here, but nothing that can't be resolved, I promise)

"Do you know a Dean Winchester?"

Castiel swallowed back the sudden lump in his throat. On the surface, the question came across as innocent, delivered without indication as to any deeper meaning, as the officers looked at him with a fairly friendly, albeit guarded, expression, But regardless, Castiel felt cold tendrils of panic creep up his spine, threatening to choke him. He tried his utmost to keep the onslaught of emotions hidden; to maintain a neutral appearance, only allowing a slight hint of curious confusion to shine through, while his mind was spinning. He was quickly weighing up the options, calculating how much of the truth he should convey, how much these people might know already. They kept staring at him, and he realized he needed to say something, and quick- before his silence in itself would raise suspicions. In that split moment he decided it would be best to stick as close to the truth as possible without implicating himself.

"Yes." He replied simply, holding the officers gaze.

They nodded at him in response, faces still irksomely blank.. However, Castiel was well aware that every move he made was being scrutinized. The male officer cleared his throat, "Do you mind if we step inside for a minute rather than do this out here?"

"Of course, yes. Do come in." Castiel rather not have the whole neighborhood be privy to this conversation. He waved them into the house and steered them towards the living room, sitting down on the armchair and offering the couch to the two cops. He swallowed audibly, eyeing the two strangers sitting opposite him with trepidation.

"May I- What does this relate to- is everything ok with Dean?" Castiel looked at them wide-eyed, a new surge of panic gripping him. He had been caught off-guard by the officers appearance and hadn't even considered the possibility that something might have happened to Dean.

"As far as we know, Mr. Winchester is well." The cops seemed slightly surprised by Castiel's near outburst, but soon enough calm and calculating eyes came to rest on him again, and Castiel had to try his best not to fidget. He felt like he was a specimen under a microscope.

"So, in what capacity do you know Dean Winchester?" The female officer leaned forward slightly; again with that sharp stare that had Castiel's skin crawl.

"His family used to live across the street. He and his brother had a bit of a rough time and me and my then wife took them under our wings. Guess it's fair to say that Dean and I became friends over the years."

The officers nodded. "From what we have on our records the family doesn't live here anymore and- are you still in contact with this Dean?"

"Yes, we are. As I said, we are friends and after his family moved we stayed in contact." Castiel crossed his legs and placed his hands on his knee to stop them from twitching, as he tried to give the officers some form of a friendly smile.

They stayed silent for a minute, shuffling some papers, and Castiel started to wonder whether that was some passive aggressive tactic of unnerving the subject of interrogation. If it was, it was definitely working. Castiel could feel his pulse speed up when thankfully at long last the female officer spoke again. "Isn't it a bit unusual for someone your age to have a friendship with someone so much younger?"

Castiel was getting exasperated by this tip-toeing, working his hands through his hair. He had a hard time not to just freak and was quickly getting tired of skirting around the issue of what he assumed the officers were really here to talk about.

"Yes, you could say that, although I am sure not unheard off. We found out over the years that we have quite a few interests in common despite the age difference. Dean is a very bright young individual." He took in a gulp of air, straightening his posture and locking eyes with the female officer, who seemed to be the one asking most of the questions. "Look, please just give it to me straight, what are these allegations that have been made against my person, because I take it that is what you really want to talk about."

The male officer fiddled with some forms in a folder. "We received a call from CPS yesterday afternoon. They had been informed that there was reasonable cause for concern with regards to you having taken advantage of a vulnerable youth and possibly engaged them in sexual activities, one accusation dating as far back as-" The man checked his papers again, "four years ago, Christmas to be precise, which would make Mr. Winchester thirteen at the time."

Castiel's mouth dropped open. Not that he hadn't expected something along these lines from the moment he set eyes on the two officers. At the same time, he had not expected _this_. Of everything that had transpired between Dean and him - and he was only too aware that he had messed up somewhere along the way, something he could not change - someone was actually accusing him of one thing that he had most definitely not done. But still, hearing it like that, making him out to just be some hardened sex offender, made him squirm and his stomach churn.

"What? I never- Who would- I haven't- Who would accuse me of something like this?" He stuttered, honest indignation working itself into the tone of his voice, as he tried to keep his wits about himself. How were people even supposed to react to such accusations, as unfounded as they may be, at least in their overall assessment of the situation. He had never thought of Dean as anything other than the neighbor's kid back then, would never- Why would someone fabricate an actual lie?

"The call was made by a Mr. Alan Chambers. Castiel let out a humorless huff, letting the name sink in. Ever since that chance meeting at the cinema he hadn't been able to shake a slight niggling feeling at the back of his mind. Was it just spite or did his ex really have any proof, which really, he could not have; also something didn't add up.

"I did not even know Alan four years ago.." He realized he mumbled that out loud as he shook his head, when the officer cleared her throat, garnering his attention once more.

"Well, he did cite a Mr.-" She shuffled through some more papers, " Balthazar and Raphael Novak as eye witnesses to some happenings back in 2011. From what we understand you are related."

"My brothers, yes." Castiel grumbled, not hiding the bitterness in his voice. He just couldn't believe what he was hearing. Did Alan actually get in contact with his family? After everything he knew about how much they despised Castiel and his sexuality. Castiel felt a stab of betrayal pierce through him, hurting more than the actual accusations. His family would never be ok with him being gay, he had accepted that, and God, he did not need reminding of the tangled up mess he got himself into with regards to acting on his feelings for Dean too soon. Despite of how far they had come, he still despised himself for that some days. If he had just been a bit stronger he surely would not be in this mess now. But that aside, could any of them really believe him to be _that_. Nothing more than a vulture molesting a kid, because that was all that Dean had been to him back then. Castiel just wanted to close his eyes and for all of this to go away. His rapidly hammering pulse made him dizzy, at the same time giving him a stabbing pain in his right temple.

But he knew he couldn't just fold in on himself. For all that he had done wrong, this had not been part of it and he would not go down without a fight, despite his brain unhelpfully providing that in some small twisted sort of way they had a point. His thoughts circled back around to any possible evidence. Really, there was no way either Alan or his brothers would have any. Alan could certainly accuse him of having been unusually close to Dean. But there was no way he could even know about the rare kisses they traded back then, nor of the way Castiel had fought tooth and nail to do the right thing, for Dean and himself. As for his brothers, the only 'proof' they might have was his and Dean's interactions over the summer, and hate it as they may, Dean was old enough then. The only person who knew about the whole picture was Gabriel, and would he-? No, he trusted his brother and would not let fear grip him and jump to conclusions.

The officers stared at him with blank faces, probably waiting for him to say something.

"And you believe them why?" Castiel uttered still shaking his head in disbelief.

"Mr. Novak, we are not at this point saying that there is much merit in these allegations, but as you can certainly understand, being as this is a delicate issue and very serious in its nature, we always have to take allegations such as these seriously. Mr. Chambers has a background of working with vulnerable children through his church work and as such we have an obligation, and if anything, Dean’s past does not paint a picture of a well-adjusted individual, which raises questions. Also, when accusations come from within members of the family, who as far as we understand are very respected members of their community, it would be negligent of us not to investigate."

Castiel couldn't hide the derisive huff. His brothers, the upstanding and respected members of their community. Playing by some hardened self-imposed rules, leaving compassion about anyone who is not as perfect as they were by the wayside. Most likely they would have anyone who was asked about them sing their praises. Well, his family had always good a keeping the perfect façade.

"Mr. Novak? Have you got anything to add?"

Castiel tried to compose himself, not to let anger and frustration get the better of him. "Yes, I have actually. I do not know if Mr. Chambers disclosed this information, but he and I used to be in a relationship and we did not end on the best of terms. And while I never would have had him down as a spiteful person, I might have to revise my opinion of him. And as for my oh so respectable brothers- they have never made a secret of how much they despise me for my- as they would call it, _lifestyle_ choice. Most of my family, are extremely religious and as such have been harboring bad feelings towards me and my sexuality for years. I have no idea why they would say the things they said, but unfortunately I wouldn't put it past them to use this as a way of teaching me a lesson and Mr. Chambers contacting them with these ludicrous claims might have been just what they were looking for. As for Dean, of course he is a troubled youth, losing his mother when he was so young and having a drunk for a father, having to look out for his little brother, that puts a lot of strain on a young soul. And where have you, or the school, or anyone been then? At least I did what I could at the time.” Castiel griped, barely able to contain his anger, which maddeningly just seemed to wash straight over the two cops, making him even more furious. He immediately worried that he might have said too much, some of these issues Dean had always been very cagey about. Also pushing these cops was probably not his brightest moment. Luckily, they appeared nonplussed by any of this.

"So, to summaries, you claim that you have not engaged in illegal activities with Dean Winchester while he was underage, and was reliant, at least to an extent, on your care for himself and his brother. That your ex-partner and your brothers made up this story just to mess with you and that there is no ground for concern?"

"Yes. A smear campaign if nothing else."

"May I ask you as to the reason for your break-up with Mr. Chambers." The female officer looked him dead in the eyes.

Castiel stalled for a second. He had no idea what, if any, Alan might have told them about their time together, or what inferences he might have drawn since then as to the reason for their break-up.

"I do not see how this is relevant to the current investigation."

"Of course you do not have to answer, but it might help if you would humor us," she interjected.

Castiel shrugged. "Relationships fail. I realized that we were not as compatible as I had hoped, and I wanted to end it before either of us might get too invested. But I will say this, Alan never liked Dean, as to the reasons you have to ask him yourself, and when we recently met and he saw us still being friends- maybe he despised that fact.”

“And you are, in fact, just friends? Because according to Mr. Chambers it appeared like your two were rather _close_ in your interactions.”

“Yes. I don't know what Alan thought he saw, plus I don't see how any current interactions between me and Dan would reflect our interactions in the past. As for my brothers- all I can think of is that they saw Dean accompany me to the funeral and somehow decided to draw their own conclusions; the rest is just made up because as far as they are concerned a homosexual and a sexual predator are basically the same thing. Or to turn this around- why else would they sit on such 'vital' information for almost four years, if they really were so concerned about my dealings with Dean? Have you asked yourself this question?"

"Yes, of course. This is something that will need to be addressed. There are a lot of loose ends and questions. That is why we are conducting this interview unofficially, a fact finding mission, if you want."

The rustling sound of more shuffling of papers worked its way under Castiel's skin as the officers conversed quietly for a moment.

"Just to be crystal clear here, because I do not want to relay anything wrong, you are in fact denying these allegations in their totality and are stating that nothing untoward happened between you and Dean Winchester while he was legally below the age of consent."

"Yes. That is exactly what I am saying." Castiel prayed he sounded resolute in his exclamation. He sure didn't feel like it.

"I will put this on record for now and feed the information back to the CPS." The officer scribbled something at the bottom of one of the papers. Castiel still felt the eyes of his female colleague observe him closely. His heart was going a hundred miles a minute but he thought he did an adequate job of keeping his face calm.

"Just one last question. Why would Dean Winchester accompany you to the funeral? It seems like a rather personal occasion."

"Because as I already stated multiple times, we are friends and he offered to support me through a difficult time, especially with regards to my strained relationship with my family, which he is aware of. I would have done the same thing for him in a heartbeat if the situation had been reversed."

The officers both nodded in acknowledgement. "I think this will be all for now. But I will have to ask you to keep yourself available for any possible follow up questions. More enquiries will have to be made with Dean and his family and see if they corroborate your story."

"Of course."

"Thank you for your time Mr. Novak." They said politely, even holding out their hands for Castiel to shake. But he could see it, the judgment just hidden behind their friendly front. In their eyes he was already a suspect, guilty until proven innocent. Just another one of those sick weirdos that would need putting away.

Still, Castiel gave a small nod and shook each of their hands in turn before walking them to the door. Only once he heard their car start did he allow himself to slump against the wall, gulping in air of which he suddenly couldn't get enough into his lungs. His hands started to shake as he processed everything that had happened in the last fifteen minutes. Soon the overwhelmed feeling and fear turned to anger, white hot and furious, coiling in his gut. How dared they do this to him? His brothers sinking this low was not really much of a surprise, but Alan- they had been through so much. He had been there, seen Castiel at his lowest, struggle with the very notion of his sexuality and the rift it caused with his family. And what- now, after seeing him and Dean being friendly at the cinema, he _suddenly_ had suspicions. Fuck that.

With trembling hands he pulled out his phone and scrolled down, pretty sure he for some reason never got round to delete the number he was looking for.

Before his rage could give way to panic and self-flagellation, he pressed the call button.

A male voice answered after the third ring.

"How _dare_ you!" Castiel shot out, not even waiting for a 'Hello'.

A long sigh on the other end let Castiel know that Alan knew this was most definitely not a friendly call.

"Castiel, listen, I had no-."

"Bullshit!" Castiel didn't even flinch at the crude language. Too worked up to care. "You out of the blue decide- without any proof, I might add, that I am some monster that takes advantage of children and-"

"Not out of the blue-" Alan supplied feebly.

"No? What then? You just conveniently sat on these suspicions until you saw me and Dean last week and-"

"To be perfectly blunt, I had my suspicions back then but did not want to entertain them. I thought you to be a good person, maybe I was too close to be objective. But the way you and Dean interacted even back then, was not how an adult and a kid should interact. There was just something very off about your behavior. But I put it down to his messed up family situation and the way you got caught up in it. But seeing you with him at the cinema- and don't even try to deny that there is a relationship there, the kid basically worships you- What was I _supposed_ to think? That nothing happened between you two in the past? That somehow Dean just had this unrequited crush and you did nothing to encourage it? And now magically you are together? That was not what I was seeing!"

"So instead of talking to me you went straight to my brothers, despite knowing how much they abhor me. My _brothers_ for goodness sake! You know they will say anything if it suits their purpose, and you know what their purpose is with regards to me. How could you even believe a word they said? Do I really strike you as a pedophile?" Castiel was pretty much yelling at this point, body coiled tight with rage.

"Do I want to believe that you would be capable some something like that. _No_! But there is a vulnerable teenager involved and I did what I had to, possibly should have done a long time ago. I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I have seen and heard some tough shit working with children over this last year and believe me, most abusers don't look anything like what the population at large wants to believe. On the contrary, they're nice and respectful and generally blend it. I still hope I'm wrong, and if you have nothing to hide, you will be cleared-"

"You know as well as me how easy it is for something like this to stick- guilty or not-" Castiel cut in. "You're basically accusing me of something just because you _don't get_ the kind of friendship Dean and I have and-"

"That's why I went to your family - I know the relationship is strained and did not disclose my actual worries, but when you brother said he saw you two act weirdly in the past, how evasive you had been with regards to questions about Dean back then, how odd you both interacted that Christmas…"

"You know, if you didn't want to talk to me, you could at least have talked to Dean if you were really that concerned for his safety. He sure as hell needed help back when his dad was basically beating him into a pulp just for liking guys. Where was your concern then? Yes, I hurt you with the way we broke up, but you just disappeared, not sparing him or Sam another thought."

"You can't put that on me." Alan snapped, quickly losing his composure by the sound of his voice. "In case you forgot, _I_ was the one who wanted to report his father to the police, but both you and Dean were dead set against it. I can't help but wonder _why_?!" He said accusingly.

"Because Dean didn't want his family to get broken up. Risk him and his brother ending up in different foster homes. It's not hard to understand, is it? No weird, sinister motive, just the plain obvious. And you know what, when this has all blown over I think I might just want to sue you for slander." Castiel gritted out, clutching the phone so tightly, he feared he might crush it.

"You can't honestly blame me for just doing what any decent human being would do If you thought a kid might have been abused would you just sit by? If anything, I blame myself for not having investigated it sooner, just chose to ignore the signs, like too many people out there do. And there is such a thing as grooming, plenty of ways to get someone to do what you want them to without having to use force. That's why Dean might not be a reliable narrator and why it is best for the experts to look into this. They know what to look for, Dean is-"

Now Castiel was livid. "Dean has been through enough, and he sure as hell doesn't need some people messing his life up yet again. You don't even have any idea what this might do to him, how he almost self-destructed last year-" And Castiel had to bite his lip to stop himself from disclosing too much, how John had tried to keep them apart and how it almost broke Dean. "Well, if this pushes him over the edge, I promise I will come after you. In short-  _fuck you_ Alan, for even thinking me capable of this, and for listening to my brothers rather than me and for basically taking a shot at ruining my life. I hope you're happy now!"

Castiel disconnected the call. He hadn't even realized his while body was shaking. He suddenly felt completely drained, dizzy and his stomach was convulsing. Lies and deceit, that was all there was. Even his words to Alan had to be carefully weighted and were all lies in the end. Lies and half-truths! Because when it came down to the cold hard facts, he did have relations with an underage kid. The law stood firm on this point and wouldn't really care that Dean was nearly seventeen and not thirteen at the time, and definitely mature enough as a person to consent. Castiel had not been joking when he said he was worried how this turn of events might affect Dean, but to be perfectly honest, he was petrified about what this could do to him.

All his life and choices suddenly lay down in shambles around him and Castiel just about made it to the bathroom before he heaved up the contents of his stomach into the toilet, tears stinging in his eyes. Why did this have to happen now? They had almost made it, were finally in safe waters only for the past to catch up to them in the most ludicrous of ways.

Castiel ended up huddled on the cold tiles, back propped against the wall and hugging his knees. He started to rock back and forth, trying to get in some air through too fast and shallow breaths, knowing the panic attack for what it was but unable to do anything about it other than to succumb to it.

#

"Hey Jody. This just came in from Chicago. Thought you might want to have a look at it. You know the Winchester family, don't you?"

Jody looked up from where she was perched over some paperwork. The name having all kinds of alarm bells ring. Things had been going well lately, what could possibly have them in trouble again?

"What is it?" She took the fax from the hand of the deputy and skimmed over it, the blood in her veins turning to ice.

"Oh." Shit, this was not good. There in front of her was a request for an interview with Dean Winchester (and family) with regard to allegations of childhood abuse, and not the kind she at times would have liked to see John Winchester go down for. Castiel Novak, the name hit her over the head like a sledge hammer. How had this happened? Had John finally said something? But no, she was sure he would have told her, or Bobby at least. Also- she read over the report and felt sick, some of this was dating back almost four years. Had she misread the situation between Dean and Castiel all along? Was there really cause for concern? What did this mean for Dean?

Was reality finally catching up with her? Jody felt like being caught between a rock and a hard place, because if this turned into a proper investigation, could she keep quiet about what she knew? No matter how much Dean would, no doubt, beg her, would that not stand against everything she had vowed to protect? But also, in the end she actually did not know much. Dean was legal now and there was nothing stopping him from pursuing a relationship with Castiel, and what really went on between these two before, she probably would never know, and didn't want to know if she was being honest- unless Castiel would turn out to be exactly the kind of person both he and Dean had so adamantly insisted he wasn't. In which case she herself would bring hell down on the man.

Jody had no doubt, going by past experiences, that Dean would flip when he heard about this. Especially if some nameless officer turned up at his doorstep. Shit. Right now she needed to do damage limitation and worry about the rest later.

"You think there is any merit to this? God, I hate child molesters." The deputy commented too cheerfully for Jody's liking. Like it was just another day at the office. Which for him it obviously was.

"No." She answered resolutely, cutting any gossip off before it could get started. She had to believe this truth for now. "I know this man and about his relations with the Winchesters. I'm sure it's all just a big misunderstanding. But of course we need to investigate. I will go and talk to them."

"Sheriff. With all due respect, should not someone else do this, as you are- you know- personally affected."

"I can take someone with me if you prefer, but I know Dean and he will not talk to just anyone, and especially not the police after his recent clashes with the law." That seemed to appease the deputy.

Jody said she needed to get some paperwork finished and then she and Deputy Raymond would head over to the Winchesters house to ask a few (delicately phrased, as she insisted) questions and hopefully clear this up quick and easy. She excused herself to use the bathroom and the second the door closed she messaged Dean, briefly appraising him of the situation and urging him to delete the message after. She really was putting her neck on the line here. If anyone would look at her phone records they would see her contacting Dean just before the visit. She reasoned with herself that she was doing it all for Dean's benefit. If she had any doubt whatsoever that Dean was not in this relationship with the older man one hundred percent of his own free will, she would not hesitate to blow the whistle. But she had promised the teenager to trust him and even her strong commitment for her work could not make her go back on that promise, not unless some irrefutable evidence would surface.

#

"Maybe we should do this with a responsible adult present." Deputy Raymond said, eyeing Dean warily. The boy looked like he was one second away from killing someone, hardly contained rage at the accusations visible on his face, no matter how lightly Jody had tried to word them. The sheriff shook her head at her colleague, having briefly filled him in on the family's history and her own opinion that having John present at this stage would do more harm than good, because of the delicate stale-mate between father and son with regards to Dean's sexuality. She was fully aware that if this went any further, John would get questioned and that he was one loaded gun just waiting to go off.

"This is bullshit!" Dean yelled, kicking over the chair he just jumped up from and pacing the length of the small kitchen.

"Dean-"

"Mr. Winchester, calm down please." Jody and her colleague exclaimed at the same time. Jody could see the ticking time bomb for what it was. Dean's jaw was clenched so hard, his muscles were twitching.

"Don't feed me this crap and then expect me to calm down." Dean got up into the officer's face.

"Please, sit down. I don't want to have to use force." The officer glared back.

Jody jumped up, grabbing Dean by the shoulder. "Now, I don't think that will be necessary, _right_ Dean?" She looked at him with the best mom face she could muster. Dean gulped, still staring at Officer Raymond like he was to blame for this, but nodded his head.

"You can take those fabricated accusations and stick them where the sun don't shine because non of this shit is true."

"DEAN!" Jody looked at him sternly, hoping he would get the message that his behavior is not currently helping himself or Cas.

"Yeah, sorry Jody." Dean looked sufficiently chastised as he studied the wall just behind the woman's shoulder.

"Just please, if you could tell us in your own words about your involvement with Castiel Novak, and know you are safe here to say anything that's on your mind." Jody coaxed gently, quietly communicating to her fellow officer that it would probably be best if she asked the questions.

"You know- We used to be neighbors. He looked out for me and Sammy when no-one else would and he's definitely not some weirdo pervert- he didn't force himself on me or anything. We're friends, nothing more to it." He swallowed hard around his emotions. He just prayed that whatever bull he was feeding them would match up with anything Cas might say if anyone would come and ask questions, which was likely. He had tried to call the man the second he received Jody's message but Cas hadn't answered.

The reluctance to say any more on the matter was clearly written all over his face as he stared down Officer Douche, poignantly avoiding Jody's gaze, not wanting to see any possible doubt in them. Last thing he needed was her to question his relationship with Cas. She pretty much was the only person Dean could count on, apart from Sammy, but he was a snotty thirteen year old. Not someone who could take on the whole of the law enforcement if need be.

"I understand this can be a hard topic, if you are more comfortable we could have you talk to one of our youth counselors-" Officer Douche tried, going for the 'We are just concerned about you' voice.

"And I would tell them exactly the same. Because there is nothing else to tell. Do I look like someone who would just roll over and let someone take what they want?" Dean gritted out through clenched teeth.

"Well, if these eye-witnesses are to be trusted, this would go back to where you clearly were still a child and-"

"Let me stop you right there. I don't know what these stupid-ass _witnesses_ claim to have seen because there was nothing to see! Why don't you do something productive with your time and go and help kids who are actually in trouble, like homeless or forced into prostitution or some crap- but probably that's too much hassle. It's easier to try and get a easy win on your books, no matter if any of it is true! Man, I'm not gonna deal with this shit!" Dean snarled.

"Dean, _please_." Jody implored, hoping to relay in her tone that this might all go away a lot easier if he would just cooperate. Dean took a deep breath before looking up at her in silent surrender.

"Just so we can send a report back to Chicago, please tell us in your own words, calmly if possible, what exactly your affiliation to Castiel Novak is, and whether you ever felt like he actively, or by manipulation, tried to get you to do something you were not comfortable with." Jody chose her words carefully, attempted to make it easier for Dean to answer as truthfully as possible.

Dean looked at Jody and nodded his head. If he wanted to help Cas (and their relationship) he had to calm down and cooperate and most of all choose his words carefully.

#

An hour later, Jody and Officer Raymond were back at the station. Jody was busy filling out the report, outlining in great detail that according to Dean Winchester there was no ground to these allegations (rephrasing some of the more colorful language he had used), the nature of their unusual but healthy friendship and that based on her, and her fellow officer's, professional observations, it didn't appear like Dean was distressed (well apart from being upset about the accusations against a friend) or otherwise impaired in his judgment, nor did he seem under any duress to stretch the truth or withhold information.

Uneasiness about the fact that she was withholding certain information herself was a constant buzz in the back of her mind. But she placated her conscience with the excuse that Dean basically had promised on his life that there was no truth whatsoever in any of this. She had managed to pull the teenager aside for a brief moment while her colleague was using the bathroom. Laying out all her personal grievances, she had implored him to tell her truthfully if anything untoward, no matter how small, had perspired between Castiel and him before last year. Dean had opened up to her more than he ever had, maybe and act of desperation, but she believed him when he said that if anything, it had been him who had a crush on Cas at the time in question, and had whished there to be more, maybe even tried to push the issue. He was adamant that never, ever had Cas done anything more than be a good neighbor and friend back then, supported him and Sammy when things got bad at home on a regular basis, and even gently rebuked his advances.

He begged her to make this go away and to not tell his dad about any of this, feared John might get the idea to put in his two cents. And against her professional judgment she went with her instinct. Dean clearly cared very deeply for this man, more than an average seventeen year old had a right to, and she could not take that away from him again, not unless there was some tangible evidence. But the more she read over the statements, the more she wondered how much of it was just vengeful fabrication. Nothing more than vague dates and hearsay. Definitely not enough to build a case on its own.

#

"Dean, you gotta calm down!" Sam eyed his brother warily from where he was perched on his bed, the math homework that rested on his lap long forgotten, as he tried to talk some sense into his brother.

"I can't. Why doesn't he answer his damn phone? He always answers his phone at this time." Dean was pacing the small length of their room and pressed the call button again, for what feels like the hundredth time in the last hour.

"If you keep this up, dad's gonna hear you and no doubt wants to know what's going on. You definitely don't want that!"

"I know- just, what if they got to him? Taken him away. I'm sure people get done for less." Dean furiously ran his fingers through his short strands.

"Maybe he's just busy. Doesn't mean something bad has happened, I'm sure they can't just go around arresting people-."

"Sammy. Stop. I know you're trying to help but just- this is _bad_ , ok." Dean's whole body was shaking. He needed to know that Cas was ok, that he hadn't been taken away by some overzealous asshole, who arrested first and asked questions later. He just needed to hear his voice. Oh, and when he found those bastards who did this to him- them, he already had at least half a dozen scenarios of kicking their asses planned out in his mind.

At long last, after another hour of fruitless attempts and a dozen messages, and some cigarettes Dean had stored away in the back of his closet - it was either smoking or try and procure some alcohol, something, anything to calm his nerves - the man finally answered.

"Fuck, Cas!" Dean sighed with relief. "Are you ok? Have they- has anyone- " He stumbled over his words.

"I'm alright, Dean." Cas voice sounded raspy and shaky and just wrong.

"You don't sound it." Dean accused, not realizing how his own voice was high pitched and just short of panicky.

"No you're right, I am most definitely _not_ alright, not that it makes a fucking difference." Castiel snapped immediately regretting it. It was not Dean's fault that his whole life was in tatters.

"Woah. No need to get pissy. I'm just worried." Dean said defensively. Cas really didn't sound like himself and he could guess only too well as to why that was.

"I'm sorry Dean, just- it's all getting to me."

"I know. I-"

"I take it someone has been to see you as well." Castiel sighed, and pulled the blanket he had draped over his legs up to his waist. It had taken him over an hour to calm down enough to just leave the bathroom. He felt drained and just overall worn-out. He had been too tired to even think about calling Dean or to check his phone. Didn't even have the energy to call his brothers and give them a piece of his mind, not that it would have changed anything. It was by chance that he heard it buzzing as he tried to huddle up on the couch.

"Yeah, some idiot deputy who asked way too many questions about you- and us. Luckily Jody was there to keep him in line."

"Oh- and does she-?"

"Believe any of this? Dunno but I don't think so, she kinda gave me the heads up earlier, glad she did or I would have legit freaked. But man, I still don't get what is actually going on. Who would come up with this crap now? It's just so- unfair!" Dean slumped on his bed, closing his eyes, taking in a deep breath.

"Alan and my dear brothers cooked this one up." Cas huffed, sounding too resigned for Dean's liking.

"What? I'm gonna kill those fuckers-"

"Dean! You will do no such thing. Please, lashing out in frustration will not help us at all. We need to keep calm and just stick to what we always said we would tell people- god I hate all this lying-" Castiel heaved a sigh, chest still feeling too tight.

"What? And let them get away with this?"

"No, just we need to be smart about it. While their version of events doesn't hold much truth, we did nonetheless engage in sexual activities before you were of age, and we just cannot risk to rock the boat."

"But they don't have anything, right? There's no way they know about that! I mean, they're just making this shit up, and- you're not really gonna get into trouble, Cas, right? Oh god- I'm so sorry." Dean felt his throat close up as the reality of any possible repercussions for Cas finally caught of with him . What a fucking mess this all had become. And he couldn't help but feel like he was to blame for it. If he only hadn't pushed Cas so hard, had listened to the man's reservations, he'd actually fucking told him about the potential dangers, they would not be here. Then again, it didn't take much to spread rumors, if someone wanted to come after them, all they needed would be to fabricate some lies, as was clearly the case.

"You have nothing to apologies for! If anything-" Castiel chocked back a sob.

"What is it? Cas, talk to me" Dean begged.

"I- it's me that- I just can't shake the feeling that in part they're right and if only I hadn't-"

Cas, stop this now, please!" Dean saw Sammy swivel round to look at him, concern clearly visible in his gaze. Bless his little brother, he had at least pretended to give him some privacy for this conversation, until now. Dean gave him a tired smile, that must have fallen short of being convincing if Sam's look was to be trusted.

He sighed. "I thought we've been over this We BOTH agreed on this relationship, so don't you dare put this all on you now- unless-" Dean swallowed hard, not wanting to say those words but they came out anyway. "You don't regret it, do you?" He hated the way his voice was wavering, disliked sounding so weak on front of his little brother.

"What? No, of course not. Never doubt that. Just- don't you sometimes wish we had gone about this all different-"

"Cas, what are you saying?"

"I don't know- nothing. Just- Dean, I'm scared, for me- for you, and I don't want to give them any more reasons to dig around our past and-" Castiel took a second. "I think we just have to be extra careful for a while, until this blows over."

"But they can't prove anything and I'm old enough now and-" Dean's stumbled over his words.

"I know, just having those cops questioning me- if anything sticks, this could ruin my life or at the very least my career and until we know for sure they have nothing concrete-"

"They don't or I'm sure they would have used it." Dean tried to reassure, mentally going over the last few years, whether there was anything that could implement them, then with a blinding clarity landing on his old phone.

"Fuck."

"What is it?"

"My dad- I mean my cell- I have to find out if he held on to it and if so, get it back."

Castiel sucked in a breath, Dean could basically feel the tension through the line.

"Hey, I'm gonna take care of that don't worry. Just- don't give up on us, please."

A humorless chuckle came through the line. "As if I could ever do that, Dean Winchester."

"Good, because you're stuck with me." Dean tried for light humor despite the ache in his chest. "So what now?" He added tentatively.

"Lying low and reiterating the story as many times as they ask us, until this will go away."

"Lying low?"

"Basically do what we did before, be friends, be there for one another. Just no more public displays of affection or anything of the sort for the time being. Probably we have to think really carefully about when we should next meet-"

"Cas-" Dean interrupted, pleadingly.

"No, please Dean- I know it is not ideal, and I'm not implying that we can't see each other at all. All I'm saying we might need to play it by ear for a while, think long term. Anyway, you need to focus on your schooling, you are doing so well and I don't want this to interfere. But I love you. Don't doubt that."

He tried to hold back a sniffle. Whether he liked it or not Cas was right.

"Ok- I hate it when you're right." Dean reluctantly agreed with a chuckle, but it was a hollow sound. He promised Cas he would make sure to find that phone and they arranged to catch up tomorrow before finally disconnecting the call.

Dean stared at the ceiling for a long time, while he tried to get the swirl of emotions under control. Sammy, thankfully, remained quiet, as if he knew that Dean needed to work through this in his own time. Eventually he turned to face his little brother, mind made up. First things first, he had something to do, a phone to find.

"Sammy, I need your help."


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry for having taken this long (again), especially with where I left off the last chapter. This has been sitting near-done on my laptop for weeks but RL threw me a couple of curve-balls and my being unhappy with some parts of this chapter also did not help to speed things along. I've decided to post this now, despite not being 100% ok with parts of it but I've been mulling over it so much, I probably would end up making it worse at this point. It is not beta'ed and I apologize for any mistakes.
> 
> I hope the amount of fluff I somehow managed to shoehorn into this chapter after all the drama will make up for the wait.

Dean arched his back into the touch, deft fingers skimming feather light over his heated, sensitive skin. Soft lips followed their trail and he moaned wantonly, willingly drowning in every sensation the man above him bestowed on him. It had been too long since he felt like this, like being taken apart and being put back together again all at the same time. He had craved this so much over these last months, months during which he had almost come to believe that he might never get to experience this again- be with the man he fell in love with. Just to feel Cas, breathe Cas, be surrounded by him.

Cas and he had literally been to hell and back. Those initial weeks after the authorities had first come knocking on their doors had been the worst. They'd reluctantly decided to keep their interaction to a 'respectable' minimum, no more than the odd call. Breaking all contact would have looked suspicious they'd both agreed. In the process, their relationship had ended up being a mere shadow of what it once was but both had been paranoid to risk saying or doing anything that might be overheard or misconstrued. Dean had had a renewed acute awareness that Cas' life and future was hanging in the balance and it had dragged on him more than he'd cared to admit. He'd had a hard enough time trying to keep it together for his final year in high school with all the stress that entailed, but it had paled in comparison to the stress of the seemingly endless scrutiny he'd suddenly found himself under and the evasion tactics he had to come up with in response.

The authorities had tried, _really_ tried to find something, _anything_ they could pin on Castiel. Possibly the driving force had been the prospect of 'bagging' a University Professor, someone that was supposed to be respected and trusted. It sure as hell couldn't have been a sudden urge to protect a 'low-life' like Dean. Not like anyone had ever cared before. But whatever the motivation, people had snooped around their lives (all within what could be considered legal, of course), and kept asking uncomfortable questions, especially Dean, who all of a sudden (and to Dean's great amusement and dismay) appeared to have been classified as some kind of vulnerable youth or, which would have been Dean's guess, possibly just as the easier of the two to crack.

The irony of this whole bizarre ordeal hadn't escaped the teenager. There had to have been plenty of moments in his past where he could have been considered vulnerable or neglected but the authorities had chosen this point in time, when he was nearly old enough to be considered an adult, to take an interest, and worse, had tried to twist things in their favor. Dean had grown weary real fast because the more he had protested to the contrary, the more they had been convinced that there was something he was hiding. Well, he had, still was, but that would never be any of their goddamn business. Despite the scare tactics, Dean and Cas had stuck with their story, which they'd repeated ad infinitum, and just for a short period of time, when no new incriminating evidence had come to light, made up or otherwise, they had thought themselves save in the knowledge that they were out of the danger zone.

"Cas, _da-aamn_." Dean bucked his hips, a noise somewhere between a chuckle and a whimper escaping him as he chased the tickly swipe of a tongue that was there but for a second before it disappeared. Cas' teasing was driving him crazy in the best possible way and he was desperate to feel the man's mouth on his hard flesh. But Castiel was having none of it, instead diving back in and trailing his tongue along Dean's right hipbone, ghosting his breath over the wet skin, having Dean shiver and groan in pleasure. Cas kissed along the soft skin of the teen's belly before switching his attention over to his left hipbone, where he licked tenderly across the raggedy crescent-shaped strip of pink, raised skin. 

"I don't think I can ever forgive him for doing this to you." Cas' exhale against his scar made the teenager shudder. The scar would forever be a reminder of the day John Winchester had finally lost it for real. Dean shuddered at the memory, trying to focus on Cas instead, but the memories were still too fresh, too painful to just cast aside, fighting their way to conscious thought, even as his body simultaneously craved more of the pleasure Cas was lavishing on him, quickly bringing him to new heights with confident yet tender touches.

Two cops and a 'specialist' counselor had turned up for a final assessment at Dean's house that fateful Saturday morning, regrettably that time minus Jody to do damage limitation. It had been all the more unfortunate because of the ill-fated timing of his father's presence and the over-eagerness of the counselor to get his father up to speed, questioning and kicking up a fuss about how the involvement of Dean's responsible adult had been avoided so far. When John had been filled in as to the reason for their visit, including all the hilariously incorrect accusations, as Dean had repeatedly called them, he'd been fuming and was only too willing to provide a statement. 

Dean couldn't stop the vivid memory of the way he had been stared down and shut up by his dad when he'd tried to dissuade him, despite his best efforts to push the image away and just focus on the here and now. _'This has been going on for long enough and must end now. I knew I was right about that man'_ , John had thrown in his face, before telling the officers that he could do them one better than just give a verbal statement, and provide actual proof. 

The cops had been very eager for his father to come to the station with the cellphone he said he had in his possession and to lodge it as evidence. John had agreed to come and give them a full statement that afternoon so that they finally would be able to try and build a case, despite Dean's refusal to cooperate.

All of Dean's alarm bells had gone off at that as unbeknown to his dad, the phone had long been destroyed. Sammy had been the one who found it taped under the front bench of the Impala and Dean had ended up just burning the damn thing. Not sure of how to deliver those particular news, he had made the split decision just to let the situation unfold; positive that with no proof, his father's statement wouldn't hold much weight. 

This had been a decidedly bad decision as not four hours later, Dean had laid bleeding on the floor, Sammy was screaming at their dad and all that he could remember to this day was the look of absolute shock and instant soberness on his father's face It even overshadowed the memory of the searing pain. 

Dean moaned and shivered, moving one of his hands down and buried his fingers in Cas' dark, slightly sweat damp hair, it was like an anchor grounding him, and he gripped tighter. 

Dean was convinced, had known even back then, that his dad had not really wanted to hurt him, not like that. He had been collateral, in the wrong place at the wrong time as John tore through the house, drunk, smashing and throwing anything he could get his hands on while screaming at the top of his lungs. The sting of betrayal when John had found out that both his sons had conspired in finding and destroying the phone and the only concrete evidence he had so carefully stored away combined with the startling realization that they both had decided yet again to pick 'this man' over him, had been enough to make something in him snap. The bottle of Jack had taken care of the rest.

Dean had shoved Sammy out of harm's way when lamps and glasses started flying and followed their father into the kitchen, trying to calm John down, and to save whatever there might have been left to save in terms of furniture or appliances. He couldn't even remember in any great detail what exactly he had hoped to achieve by going after their old man because a sharp, agonizing pain in his left side had instantaneously made everything come to a jarring halt. John had turned and backhanded him before trying to shove him away just as Dean had tried to grab hold of him, not noticing the smashed whiskey bottle John still had clutched in his hand. Due to the force of the impact of two objects in motion, its sharp edges had cut right through Dean's shirt and buried itself into his flesh. Dean barely even remembered the way he hadn't been able to breathe and had been breathing all too fast at the same time as his shocked eyes met with John's.

From what his brother told him after, their dad had gained his wits back enough to call 911 before trying to stave off the bleeding. Luckily nothing major had been hit, but it had been a deep gash and it needed stitches, and when he'd been released back home a day later, he'd come back to an empty house, broken items still strewn everywhere, a distraught Sammy and Bobby waiting for him with packed bags. John had handed himself into the police. There was to be an investigation and he and Sammy were to stay with the Singer-Mills for the time being.

" _Cas_." Dean snapped back to the here and now with a needy whine, as the man _finally_ seemed to have decided to stop his teasing, tonguing Dean's shaft with fervor before enveloping the head of his erection with his hot warm mouth. Dean's hands scrambled for purchase, the one still in Cas' hair tightening its grip and holding the head in place, maybe with slightly more force than necessary, but Dean just wanted to feel more. Cas moaned and the vibrations made Dean buck up his hips, shoving himself deeper into the man's willing mouth.

Castiel pulled off after another long suck, leaving Dean panting and grumbling, but he shut him up soon enough when his mouth met the teenager's, tongue sliding against red swollen lips, prying them open. Dean's arms snaked around Cas' back, gripping tight and pulling him fully on top. They almost had lost this, Castiel could have almost lost a lot more than just being with Dean, and yet here they were, finally able to openly enjoy each other's company. Finally safe. Castiel sighed into Dean's mouth, half in arousal, half with overwhelming gratitude that he was able to have this again.

After John had retracted his initial statement, and there had been no more evidence other than the words of an ex-boyfriend and estranged brothers, three months after the whole ordeal had started, the case finally had been dropped for good. Castiel, for a very brief moment, brought on by relief and pettiness, had considered making good on his threat and go after Alan and his brothers for slander. But after long conversations with Dean, they had mutually decided that they just wanted this to be over, and to be able to get on with their lives.

Neither had expected at that point that it would take them till Spring Break to finally physically be together again. Adverse weather conditions thwarted their plans for Christmas and Dean's school schedule had been working against them. But apparently, absence really did make the heart grow fonder, Dean had to concede the minute he'd set eyes on Castiel after all that time. That weird, constantly there, undercurrent of affection and attraction had exploded in his chest, and as much as he just wanted the man, he also just wanted to be with him, be in his presence and if that was not love, then Dean had no idea what was, and he could tell that this was also true for Cas.

And for all that it had been excruciating to stay apart for that long it had, if anything, proven that their relationship was something real, tangible. That they both were invested in it and willing to work with what they had been given. Something that over time had helped warm Bobby and Jody to the idea of considering Castiel Dean's boyfriend, and openly engaging in the topic, for which they both were very grateful.

Castiel traced his thumb across the scar again and felt the teenager's intake of breath, the slight tremor that went through him. This was a part of Dean now, just like his freckles and magnetic green eyes. A testament of where they have come from and what it almost could have cost them. He shuddered at the thought that just for a moment, there might have been the very real possibility of losing Dean, in a very fatalistic sense. Initially, he'd only heard the accounts of what happened second hand from Sammy and Bobby and then eventually from Dean himself, once he was ready to open up about it. When he had first heard, he had wanted to race up there and punch John's lights out. In hindsight it had probably been a good thing he didn't get the time off work. For a long time he just wanted to hate John Winchester. But he knew Dean didn't, couldn't hate his father, and if anyone would have the right to do so, it was the teenager. 

In fact, they had a near falling out when Dean had refused to press charges and Castiel just could not see rhyme or reason. But after two days of not talking, and a pleading call from Sammy of all people, urging him to sort out his 'shit' as Dean was just unbearable, skulking around the house and, by right, it should be Sammy who should be the moody teenager, Castiel had come to the conclusion that he should trust Dean on this, just like he would trust him on other issues. After all, Castiel could sympathize with trying to hold on to 'family' despite differences.

While he personally never wanted to have anything to do with either Balthazar or Raphael again, he still held out hope that one day, if not able to fix, then at a minimum, be able maintain a civil relationship with his mother, who at least had called the actions of her eldest sons despicable (although Castiel was under no illusion that the main reason for that was because they had risked dragging the family name through the mud). Maybe he could even rebuild some form of communication with his sister, although he hadn't heard from her since the funeral. And of course there was Gabriel, who besides all his quirks and faults, had stood by him. He'd had a near fit once he found out what their brothers had done and despite his own problems, finally having decided that he didn't want to be married to a bigot any longer and the subsequent 'family drama' and not so friendly custody battle (still ongoing), had been down to visit Castiel more than once in the last few months.

In the end, despite their differences in age and life experiences, they were both a bit of a mess, and all they could do was be there for each other as they put the pieces of their lives back together. 

Without Dean pressing charges, John had been released and returned home. Bobby had come through and yelled at the man for two hours straight (according to Dean) and spelled out in no uncertain terms that he would not set eyes on his boys again until he once and for all straightened himself out. A week later John had found an anger management course and returned to his AA meetings. It was a start.

Cas shivered as Dean's nails raked over his skin, leaving faint marks in their wake. God, he wanted Dean so badly, his whole body ached with the need. Now, he was finally able to fully acknowledge this. Nothing was holding him back anymore. The people that mattered in their lives knew and to varying degrees accepted and supported their unusual relationship, and legally they were finally free to be who they wanted to be. And right now he wanted to show Dean just how much he wanted him, kissing and nipping at every bit of skin he could get access to, leaving the boy a whimpering mess under him. 

Dean grabbed him around the hips and pulled him down fully, grinding their groins together, communicating without words exactly what it was he was so desperate for. Cas knew of course, and was just enjoying keeping the teenager on the edge. Dean sighed when Cas finally relented and got the lube, nudging his legs further apart, taking his sweet time preparing him, maddeningly slow and gentle. Cas just wanted to feel it all, every twitch, and jerk and gasp of breath coming from Dean.

"Cas, please-" Dean grabbed him by the chin and pulled him up for a pleading kiss.

Cas looked into those lust blown eyes and was lost. "Anything you want-" He panted against Dean's lips.

"I- I always wanted to try- can I ride you?" Dean stammered, still figuring out this whole asking for what you want during sex business and not to just let it happen. Cas' swallow was audible and he nodded his head, eyes never leaving Dean's, Dean gazing back as they shifted position. Dean straddled Cas and reached between them, bringing Cas' erection to his entrance, throwing his head back with a moan as he slowly sank down on it.

The sex was slow and sensuous. Neither was in a particular hurry to finish, more content just to enjoy the feeling of each other. Dean took a moment to figure out this new position, how to move his hips in time with Cas' gentle thrusts. Cas' strong hands were gripping his hips, guiding him, finding a rhythm that suited them both, Dean rolled his hips ever so often while lifting himself up and slamming back down, Cas meeting him halfway with upwards thrusts of his own, until on one push Cas hit his prostate and Dean near doubled over, before begging him to do it again. All too soon they both were panting and sweaty, holding each other's gaze as they slowly hurdled towards their release, Dean was the first one to surrender as he came with a yelp, Cas following a few thrusts later. They collapsed beside each other, while trying to catch their breaths.

Eventually Cas found the energy to get up and fetch a cloth to clean them both. The teenager still seemed too out of it to move and let Cas maneuver him until he was tucked under the blankets. Cas followed a short while after and wrapped his arms around Dean's shoulders, pulling him to his side, the teenager following willingly, resting his head over Cas' heart. Dean was just so happy at that moment, he could burst, he took Cas' hand and entwined their fingers, before bringing it towards his mouth and kissing each of Cas' knuckles individually, the man pressing his own lips against Dean's temple in return.

Both seemed to get lost in their own thoughts for a while, while comforting each other with little touches and kisses.

"A penny for them." Castiel eventually broke the silence, after having spent the last five minutes just drinking in Dean's features, the gorgeous eyes he could just get lost in that currently were staring off into the distance.

"Huh?" 

"Where were you?"

"I'm right here."

"I know, but your mind just seemed far away."

"Yes and no." Dean tried to explain. "Just- I'm so happy and- I can't believe we're actually here like this- right now, and just- it made me think- there's this guy at school-"

"Mhh," Cas hummed, squeezing Dean's shoulder in silent support to continue. If there was a very, very small voice inside of him that wanted to panic at those words, wanted to tell him that it would be only a matter of time before Dean would find someone better suited to his own age, he successfully squashed it down. They were here together after everything, and that must mean something.

"Well, it's- Prom's coming up and this guy, Aaron, he's in my study group and he's an ok kind of guy- and he always wanted to go and then- some assholes outed him a few weeks ago, and let's just say it's been hell for him. And despite his friends telling him to just ignore it and go, he doesn't want to- and I think it just sucks. And he's actually kind of nice and I've been thinking, maybe I should just ask him to go as my date…, not that I had planned on going and of course it wouldn't be an _actual_ date, but- you know it would be totally awesome as a 'fuck you' to those fuckers. I know I'd be outing myself in the process, but not like I really give a shit about any of them. And anyway- you always say I should go to these stupid things and-" Dean's nervous ramblings were just too endearing and Cas just had to plant a kiss on the teenager's forehead.

"I think he would be a very lucky young man to have someone like you take him to Prom. If that is what you want to do, I support you all the way." 

Dean rolled over, facing Cas, grabbing hold of his face as he placed a hungry kiss on the man's lips, which soon turned more passionate, and despite their earlier exertion (and his thirty years) Cas could already feel himself harden again and Dean was not far behind. Dean eventually ended up on top, nestled between Castiel's legs, taking immense pleasure in the way he was able to take Cas apart as he rocked into him over and over again until they both were spent for a second time and fell asleep wrapped up in each other.

#

Dean was getting frustrated. Castiel could see it in the tense slump of his shoulders, the increase in huffs and grunts and the way he worked his hand through his hair, aggressively like he was one step away from actually pulling it out.

"Why do they even need to know all this shit?" The teenager grumbled as he pushed the paperwork aside. He knew he had left it late to try and come to any kind of decision with regards to college and with applying this late, had a limited number of colleges to apply to. But all this thinking about test scores and GPA and AP Credits (like Dean even had those) and what the hell to study in the first place, was making his head hurt. 

"Why do I need to go to college anyway?" 

Castiel sighed. They had been over this more than once over these last few days. But he also knew how Dean worked and this was just his way of getting the frustration out of his system.

"You know you do not have to, if you really think it is not for you. Just- do not give up on it because the process of getting there seems daunting. You've worked so hard this last year, you might regret it if you didn't at least give it a try." Castiel put a mug of steaming coffee in front of Dean and pulled up a chair.

"I know- just, I don't even know where to go. I don't want to have to leave Sammy behind and I don't want to be away from you and- fuck, if I could just clone myself-"

"Hey." Castiel pulled Dean in for a kiss, the teenager's lips hard and unyielding for a moment before he allowed himself to relax and melt into the kiss.

"You looked after Sam your whole life, maybe it is time to be a little bit selfish. I am sure he will be just fine with Bobby and Jody looking out for him. Anyway, what would he want you to do?"

Dean grumbled something unintelligibly.

"Pardon?"

" _Hewouldwantmetogotocollege_." Dean grumbled just slightly louder.

"Damn right he would. And as for me, of course I would want you to be as close as possible, but this is your life we have to think about, and- I can't believe that I am practically about to give you the whole 'it's your future' speech. That probably makes me sound like a boring old fart."

Dean didn't want to laugh, he'd rather stay grumpy but he couldn't hold back the smirk at Cas' words. "Well, at least you're my boring old fart." He chucked. "Seriously, who even talks like that?" He leaned in, capturing Cas' lips, thinking this might be a far better time to spent his afternoon than filling out stupid applications.

"Nu-uh." Castiel pulled back after a moment. "We are not done here." Dean groaned in frustration.

"Ok, lets bring the map back up and see which suitable colleges are an acceptable distance from both  Sioux Falls and  Chicago ."

Hours later they both fell into bed, too tired to do much else than cuddle, Dean grumbling about his wrist hurting for all the wrong reasons, but secretly content that he managed to sent out a couple of applications He was well aware that if it hadn't been for Cas he probably would have just said 'screw it' to everything. He had no idea whether to be excited or scared, most likely both, but more convinced than before that he at least should give this college thing a try. He had been working his butt off over this last year to graduate, might as well put the result to some good use. 

#

"Oh man, I still can't get over the look on Gordon's face." Dean doubled over laughing as he and Aaron made their way to his car. Like the good prom date that he was, he was taking his date home after a good night out. Well, he knew very well what most of the other people were getting up to with their respective companions, apparently it was considered some right of passage, and if the rest of the school thought they snuck out and were driving off to somewhere to screw like bunnies all night, let them, for all Dean cared.

"Seriously, I thought he was gonna hit you- or sink into the floor in shame. Kissing him? What were you even thinking?" Aaron couldn't hold back his own laughter. Not that earlier he hadn't been mortified and actually scared that the situation might turn ugly real fast.

"It was the only way to get him to shut the fuck up. I seriously have no time for his bullshit, and- I just wanted to have a nice slow dance with my _date_." Dean teasingly whispered the last bit, giving the smaller teen a little wink and a nudge with his shoulder, chuckling at the answering blush, he was able to make out even in the relative dark of the parking lot. He hoped he wasn't overstepping any bounds. Aaron was fully aware that Dean was in a relationship, in fact the comical face Alan had pulled when Dean 'came out' and told him that he was with a guy, and no he wasn't making fun of Aaron but really wanted to take him to Prom, would forever be one of his most treasured memories. Dean had made the concept of this 'date' being on just a friendly basis, because they couldn't let the jerks win and stop them from having a good time, quite clear from the outset, and after only minimal reservations, Aaron had wholeheartedly thrown himself at the opportunity. And Dean couldn't help but try and make this a special, memorable occasion for his friend, especially after all the crap he had to deal with lately. And if he had gotten one over the assholes in the process, even better.

"Your carriage awaits." He joked as they arrived at his car, holding the door open like a gentleman. Thankfully John still felt bad for what happened last year and willingly handed over the keys to the Impala for the night when Dean had asked. He even seemed interested in hearing more about this 'Aaron' and whether it was anything serious; the 'does this mean you've gotten over Castiel' left unsaid but implied. Dean hadn't bothered to explain, the subject was still too sore to be addressed openly. His dad would find out in due time that Cas and he were stronger than ever when the older man would turn up to his graduation and be officially presented as his boyfriend for the first time, should anyone ask.

Aaron chuckled. "Thank you." 

The drive home was done in relative silence, interrupted by little snippets of conversation here and there. Dean would have a hard time admitting it to anyone who might ask, but he actually had a good time, the 'jerk' incident aside. Actually no, even that was kind of funny. He half wished one of the douchebags had tried to deck him, he'd been itching for weeks to show them what's what, and it might even have been worth the suspension.

Dean pulled up in front of Aarons' house, killing his baby's engine and its accompanying rumble. He saw there was still light on in the living room, probably Aaron's mom waiting for the safe return of her son. She had near smothered Dean with her hug earlier, to her son's embarrassment, who had to remind her that this was just a friend taking him to Prom.

"So-" Dean started and then stopped, unsure of how to exactly end this evening. If it had been a real date, he would have no problem, but at the same time just a friendly pat on the shoulder seemed weird too.

"So." Aaron echoed, turning to face Dean. "This is where I say goodnight, I suppose." He smiled shyly. 

"Yeah-"

"Unless-" Aaron just for a second looked like he wanted to lean in and kiss him, and Dean was just about to protest when he changed course and gave him a chaste peck on the cheek.

"Thank you for tonight and- you're pretty awesome. I hope your guy knows how lucky he is."

Dean broke out into a grin, couldn't help it, his cheeks heating slightly. "Yeah, I think it's me that got lucky there."

The smaller teenager chuckled softly. 

"Come on, I walk you to your door." Dean offered.

"You don't have to-"

"What kind of date would I be if I didn't?" Dean protested, getting out the car before Aaron could object further. He walked around the Impala and opened the door, holding out his arm for the boy to take.

Aaron smiled and took the offered arm and let himself be walked to the front door.

"Thanks again. It really means a lot to me you doing this. I will remember this for a long time."

"No problem. And so will I. We did have fun, didn't we?" Dean knocked their shoulders together affectionately. "And don't let those jerks get to you. You're a great guy." Dean returned the earlier gesture, placing a peck on Aaron's cheek before waiting for him to disappear behind the front door.

All the way home, he was buzzing with this nervous energy. He had enjoyed himself tonight, yet he desperately wished that Cas was here to share the experience with him, imagined what it might have been like walking through those doors with his gorgeous boyfriend by his side, chuckling to himself as he envisaged the shock on people's faces. He suddenly couldn't wait to get home and call Cas, was giddy with the prospect of hearing his voice.

Everything was dark and quiet when he got home. Dean was grateful for that as it meant he could curl up on the couch and give Cas a call before heading up to his and Sammy's room.

"Hello, Dean." Cas answered after the second ring.

"Heya, Cas. You been waiting for my call?" Dean chortled. 

"Just being practical, having my cell next to my bed, in case of emergencies. Not like I was waiting for anyone in particular to call me and tell me how their Prom went, when they could- you know, call at a civilized time." Cas said blankly, although Dean heard the slight tone of affection underlying the statement. He was rather proud of his ability to interpret 'Cas' speak these days.

"You're in bed already?"

"Dean it is 1 AM."

" _Oh_ , so it is! Time really is flying when you're having fun." Dean felt a bit stupid for not having considered that Cas might actually be sleeping at this time, or even more stupid for not at least having checked the time first.

"So you had a pleasant evening?"

"Yeah dude. It was- an experience but to my disappointment no one actually spiked the drinks and the music- I didn't expect much but come on- POP literally all night."

The low rumble of Cas' gentle laughter worked its way under Dean's skin. He curled up, pulling a cushion to him in a poor imitation of what the feeling of Cas in his arms might feel like.

"But other than that-?" 

"Seriously- it was kinda great actually. Aaron had so much fun and he even dragged me on the dance floor, can you believe it, me dancing! And- oh the best bit- you won't believe this! One of the jocks wouldn't shut up about how 'wrong' it was watching two dudes dance and I ended up kissing his stupid face and-" Dean could feel the earlier laughing fit bubbling up in his chest. "You should have seen him Cas- his face was a fucking picture and he couldn't do a damn thing about it with Mr. Stephens patrolling the dance floor and his friends were all laughing at him and he ended up just storming out of there and-"

"Dean, that was rather immature and possibly dangerous." Cas tried to sound serious but Dean could her the amusement he was barely able to conceal.

"What can I say- I'm a dangerous kind of guy- that's why you love me." 

Cas let out a long suffering groan, like it was a chore to actually love Dean, when in fact it was anything but. "Indeed, I do." He conceded after a moment with a fond sigh. "Still, I hope there will not be any repercussions from your actions. People like that are known to hold a grudge."

"Nah, don't worry. It's only a few more weeks till graduation and then I won't have to see any of them ever again."

"Mhh." Cas reluctantly agreed, hoping that Dean was right. "But that aside, you did have a good time."

"I did."

"I am glad to hear it."

"There's only _one_ thing missing for the whole authentic, first class 'Prom' experience." Dean turned his voice low and husky.

"And what would that be?" Cas sounded seriously intrigued, maybe too tired to pick up on Dean's teasing tone.

"Sex with my date." Dean tried to deliver the line without getting into a fit of giggles.

"Ah- okay…" Cas stuttered for a moment.

"But seeing as that's not an option, you know as it was not really a date and because the _actual_ person I want to have sex with is like a stupid 10 hour drive away- I might just have to miss out on this milestone of an experience."

"Dean?"

"Unless…"

"Unless what?" Cas sounded lost.

"Don't you always say I should embrace these 'age appropriate activities'? It would be a shame to miss this one." Dean's heart was suddenly beating faster and he could feel himself tightening in his pants, despite the fact that this was just meant to be a joke, just something to wind the older man up a bit. Yet the thought of possibly getting off like this with Cas on the phone was suddenly a very appealing one. Maybe that was why the next words that left him mouth were, "What are you wearing Cas?"

Cas sputtered for a moment over the line before he found words again. "Are you being serious right now?"

"I _can_ be-" Dean tried for seductive but probably failed by a mile.

"I- God you are, aren't you?" Cas stammered, not quite sure what to say or how to react.

"Well, I have been thinking about you an awful lot tonight, and all the things we might be getting up to right now if you had actually been the one going to Prom with me."

"God, Dean. You sure know how to kill a man." Cas groaned.

Dean laughed, it was kind of heady experiencing the effect he apparently had on the older man, even by just talking to him. It gave him a boldness he didn't quite knew he possessed. Oh, he had been flirty with people in the past and knew how to get what he wanted but this, for some reason it had always been different, more fragile with Cas. Maybe a certain amount of insecurity was born from the fact that he always felt so much more for the man, didn't want to risk compromising what they had. But right now he felt bold and needy.

"So? Am I going to do this on my own or- do you want to listen?" 

" _Dean_." Cas sounded wrecked all of a sudden and Dean couldn't help but lean back onto the couch stretching out and opening the button and fly of his dress pants.

"I have to be quiet but- just know, I wish this was your hand working its way into my pants and grabbing me just ri- iight-" His breath hitched on the last word as he touched his erection, giving it an experimental stroke. "Cas-" Dean whimpered, hearing the man's heavy breathing over line, making him even harder.

Dean-" Cas growled. Dean was pretty certain the man was touching himself now as well and that thought sent a jolt of electricity straight through him. 

"Tell me what you're doing-" Dean panted, already coiled so tight that he knew he wouldn't last long, as he continued with fast, unyielding strokes.

"I'm- in bed. God, I wish you were here, just hearing you talk to me like that, and imagining you touching yourself as I, I-" Cas' voice broke off for a moment as he gulped in some air, hand working over his shaft furiously.

"Cas, more-" Dean half panted half whispered, only too aware that he was exposed on the living room couch but too close and too aroused to care.

"I- so close already. The things you do to me- I'm almost there, just from hearing your voice, imagining you hot and flushed as I suck you off-"

"Cas, damn, Imma-" Dean grunted and dropped his cell as he came, biting down on his arm to stave off any noise. It surprised him in the end how close he'd already been, normally when he did this by himself it took him a few minutes to get going. God, Cas would be the end of him.

It took him a moment to come back down and then he fumbled for his cell. "Cas, are you-"

"almost there- Dean-" 

"Want to hear you-"

With a loud low groan, which Dean had come to associate with Cas' climax, the man came and if Dean hadn't been so worn out, he might have gotten aroused just from the noise again.

They panted into he phone for a minute, both catching their breath as their heart rates returned to normal.

"So- that was… _new_." Dean chuckled, now that the high was wearing off he started to feel a bit self-conscious about the whole thing, about his boldness in initiating actual phone sex.

"It sure was, I have never done anything like it." Cas confided.

"You're saying I'm corrupting you?" Dean couldn't help the tease.

Cas sniggered. "Wasn't I supposed to be the one corrupting you?"

"Too late for that I'm afraid." Dean laughed, even while his body and heart were aching for Cas being here with him. "God, I wish you were here." He blurted out.

"I miss you too. But it's only another three weeks. That is basically nothing for us." 

"Yeah." Dean yawned the evening suddenly catching up with him.

"As much as I would love to stay on the phone with you, you sound tired. Go to bed Dean. We'll talk in the morning."

"'K. Love you." Dean yawned again.

"Love you too." Cas replied just barely containing a yawn of his own.

Dean grinned as he disconnected the call. He would never grow tired of hearing those words. They kept him warm and gooey inside all the way up the stairs, into the bathroom for a quick cleanup, and followed him into his dreams.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted this out earlier but the time of year kind of kept me sidetracked. Guess this is now some kind of an early Christmas present, and extra long at nearly 10000 words. I hope you're going to enjoy the penultimate chapter. I'm just so happy I managed to get our boys this far. They have a few issues to face as their relationship hits the real world but surely nothing they can't overcome. 
> 
> Also, I used a great deal of poetic licence for anything college related (as I have no idea about the American system and had only Google to help) and might have been flexible and vague with a few issues regarding applications deadlines, loans and the like just to fit with the story and so as to not prolong the posting of the chapter any longer.

Castiel was well above the speed limit as he raced down the I-90 but wasn't even surprised that he couldn't get himself to care. He was normally such a stickler for highway code regulations but he had places to be, Dean's school for his graduation to be precise. A speeding ticket would be nothing compared to the possibility of missing the ceremony. He knew Dean would understand, he had told him as much earlier over the phone, urging him to take it easy. But Castiel would never forgive himself for not being there and support the teen during such a pivotal moment in his life.

The two hour delay just outside Rochester had really messed with his schedule. Maybe he should have taken a flight after all, Castiel contemplated as he changed lane, overtaking a nauseatingly slow going truck. But somehow he had let Dean talk him into taking the car. The fear of flying had been evident in his partner's voice as he'd enticed Cas to take to the road. _Partner_ was the term Castiel had settled on to describe Dean, he found it more fitting than the, in his opinion, juvenile sounding 'boyfriend' (quite possibly due to his hang-up on the 'boy' part of said word) much to Dean's amusement. Dean, unsurprisingly, thought it made him sound all _high and mighty_ and now used 'boyfriend' at every possible opportunity, just to mess with him, Castiel was convinced, but he took the ribbing in his stride. Dean had sweetened his plea with the promise of the two of them taking off for a few days after graduation in said car. And how could Castiel say not to an offer like that. Their time together always seemed so few and far between, and this was something unlikely to change in the near future, so they needed to make the most of every opportunity they got.

Castiel had been lucky enough to be able to wiggle a week off work despite summer term starting next week. But this was kind of a family affair, although he had been sparse on the actual details when he put in his request for time off. Explicitly acknowledging his relationship with someone who just finished high school to his colleagues was a fight Castiel had decided to leave for another day. It was not that he was ashamed of Dean or their relationship and wouldn't deny it if outright asked, but he just wasn't quite emotionally ready for the inevitable backlash, the questions and judgmental looks that inevitably would come his way, not to even mention the behind-his-back whispers. Even while overall a fairly open minded faculty, Castiel was well aware that his relationship with Dean was pushing the boundaries of what would be considered acceptable. Thankfully, a colleague owed him a favor and promised to cover his first two lectures without asking too many questions.

The man checked the time, gulped in shock and prayed he wouldn't encounter any more problems as he weaved his way through traffic, pressing the gas pedal just that bit harder. Who would have thought that even with allowing himself extra time, having left his home and an ungodly hour, he might still end up being late. Thank god for small mercies in the form of Dean's last name, but despite the bonus of the teen not getting called till the very end, Castiel would rather not miss any of it. He generally was not a great believer in modern technology, but he had to admit that a GPS had its advantages as he finally reached his exit. He navigated the outskirts of Sioux Falls, following the mechanical female voice's instructions, turning left, weaving right and carrying on straight for the next 3.2 miles.

He pulled into the school parking lot with minutes to spare, thankful for the helpers in their high-vis vests, pointing him to an available space at the far end. Not bothering with anything else than grabbing his wallet and phone- and he almost forgot, the ticket - he made his way across the lot and round the side of the school to the field. Castiel could hear the hustle and bustle before he even turned the corner. People were everywhere and he had no idea how on earth he was going to find Dean's family in this sea of people.

The sudden noise of the band starting to play startled him. Everyone was murmuring with excitement as they all looked off to the side where soon enough the throng of graduates was starting to filter out onto the center of the field. He looked around awkwardly, trying to make out any familiar faces somewhere on the bleachers, but they all blurred into one. He sighed and decided to instead focus on the students still coming in to the music of the band. He scanned the crowd of gowns for a sign of Dean as students shuffled around, trying to find their seats, but from this far they pretty much all looked the same. He scrutinized the bleachers once more to see if he could make out any of Dean's family, but with no luck. He might as well resign himself to just stand at the back and take comfort in the fact that at least he made it, when his cell buzzed. Right, he should have thought of that himself, he grumbled as he pulled it out of his pockets.

"Cas, where are you? It's starting."

"Hello Sam. I am here, at the back. I just have trouble locating you."

"Look to the left of the stage."

Castiel turned, eyes roaming over endless faces, then he saw him. He couldn't help the smile as his eyes settled on a frantically waving Sam. God, the boy had grown since they last met. Even from back here he could tell that the younger Winchester was all awkward gangly limbs these days. He might actually grow to be taller than Dean. Cas chuckled, imagining the inevitable 'fit' his other half would doubtlessly throw if that came to pass. He raised his hand and waved back.

"Come on. Hurry up, we saved you a seat."

"Yes- thanks. I am going to hang up now." Castiel said, before disconnecting the call to a chuckling Sam.

"He's here." Sam whispered to Bobby and Jody, and by extension John, who looked around, eyebrows furrowed.

"Who is- hell no, what is _he_ doing here?" John completely forgot to keep his voice down, glaring at people behind him as they made some 'shushing' noises. His eyes grew wide for a split second before narrowing at the approaching form of Castiel.

"John." Bobby snapped, trying his best to keep his voice down so as to not garner too much attention from the people around them. "Ya better not be start anythin'! You're damn lucky Dean even wanted you here and ya know it!" He gave John a meaningful stare to underline his point. "So, unless ya really wanna flush anything you have achieved over these last months down the crapper… better find a way to deal. Ever think there might have been a reason he didn't mention Cas' coming to ya?"

John visibly swallowed back the protest forming. The father son relationship between him and Dean was fragile at best, and he could admit these days that he only had himself to blame. With sobriety and counseling came an uncomfortable amount of time one could use for insight and he had had plenty of that lately. He knew he fucked up massively. He was still convinced that he only had his son's best interests at heart, but he could see now how basically all his actions had just made things worse, not only for Dean, but for both his sons, and for them as a family unit. And as much as he had hoped that this particular part of Dean's life was over, had let himself believe that the lack of mention of a certain name had meant the end of this unfortunate affair, John had to begrudgingly concede that Dean, in fact, had good reason for having left him in the dark about Castiel's attendance. The last time the man had been mentioned between them, John had lost it and ended up hurting Dean. Of course his son would not be eager to talk to him.

"Don't worry, I'll behave." He grumbled after a moment.

"Good." Bobby replied.

John resolutely stared at his hands, trying to reign in his temper, taking in some deep, timed breaths, just as he had learned in his anger management group, as he gathered his thoughts. He had no idea if he could ever be ok with Dean being with someone who he still believed had taken advantage of him. The 'his son liking guys' thing, he was slowly coming to terms with, (although he still held out hope that one day Dean might meet a nice girl to settle down with; after all Dean had said in the past that he still liked girls), but why did it have to be this man? The guy was hardly ten years younger than John, and that thought alone made his insides turn. And he would most likely never find out how long this _thing_ had really been going on between them. But whatever it was Dean and this man had, John had learned the hard way that he couldn't stop it, and as it now appeared, everyone else was suddenly ok with this relationship. He sighed in resignation, daring a quick glance at the man in question out of the corner of his eyes. He would just have to face the fact that Castiel, old as he was in comparison to Dean, was the person his son had chosen- and _wow_ , that was an interesting and new thought. Did Dean really chose this out of his own free will? Was he really old enough to do so?

"Hey Cas! Here, sit next to me!" Sam bounced out of his chair, throwing himself at the man to more grumbling from the people behind them, which he completely ignored as he clung to Cas, laughing excitedly. Cas lifted him up in a quick embrace and a pat on the back before setting him back down, not wanting to overstretch the clearly waning patience of people around them.

John watched the scene unfold, a pang of guilt and regret hitting him. For all that he disliked, at times had even hated, this man, seeing the way Sam acted around him, it was hard to ignore the fact that this person had been there for his children when he hadn't. When he had been too far stuck in his own head or at the bottom of a bottle to see the damage his own grief, which he had never managed to address, had caused his children. He was just now starting to properly put the broken pieces back together and with sudden clarity John realized that he would not only have to tolerate this Castiel, but would have to learn to be agreeable to having him around as clearly he meant something to both his sons. Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions.

John looked on as Bobby and Jody briefly engulfed the man in a hug before urging him to sit down as people around them were throwing them annoyed glances, and when Castiel's gaze flickered in his direction, he nodded his head, acknowledging the man's presence. Castiel returned the gesture, but John noticed the coldness in the man's eyes, and he guessed after everything he had done, he deserved that. He couldn't even find it in him to get angry over it.

Castiel sat down and exhaled slowly. This might prove to be a long afternoon. Despite the elation of being here, he had not been prepared for just how much laying eyes on the man who had hurt Dean so much would get to him, despite the teen having warned him about John's presence at the ceremony. He was not a violent person by any standard but there was a primal part of him that just wanted to lash out, hurt this man, this poor excuse for a father, just as much as he had hurt Dean, and also Sam.

He allowed himself a split second to imagine what it might feel like to let his fist connect with John Winchester's face, eliciting a memory from a long time long ago, where just such an altercation had taken place for real, making him shiver at the memory. His right had twinged in phantom pain, or maybe it was just one of those days where it suddenly would hurt for seemingly no apparent reason. While fully functioning, sometimes it was tender and sore, and really a reminder to Castiel that violence in the end didn't solve anything no matter how satisfying it might feel in the moment. Plus, he had promised Dean to not do any such thing, said he would do his best not to aggravate what no doubt would end up being an already charged situation.

Castiel sighed, as he inconspicuously looked across at John. Sometimes it was hard to take the high road. Still, he was more than glad for the three people buffer zone between him and Dean's father. And in the end, they were all here for Dean. It would be selfish not to acknowledge that. He was reminded of that fact but a second later, when the music stopped and the headmaster tapped his finger against the microphone, gathering everyone's attention before enthusiastically launching into a long welcome speech. And just like that Castiel's gloomy thoughts were replaced by his earlier giddy feeling of excitement. He couldn't even put into words how proud he was of Dean for having made it this far, against all the odds and for pulling himself out of the downward spiral life had him in not even a year ago.

#

Dean thought he looked ridiculous in his attire as he waited (not so patiently) with all the other 269 students for their moment to shine. He'd much rather be anywhere but here, looking like something out of a bad high school movie, but he knew how excited everyone in his little extended family was for today. Sammy especially had been a ball of excited pain in his ass little brother for literally days, not shutting up about how proud he was of him, and that alone kind of made this all worth it. It wasn't often that he made people proud, in fact these last few years he appeared to have done anything but, so the knowledge that the ones he cared about most in his life were all here and happy for him made even the pointless speeches and stupid caps tolerable.

Well, he hoped they all were here, that Cas made it. Dean had last heard from him around noon while he was stuck in traffic, thanks to a jack-knifed truck. The normally fairly collected man had sounded so frantic and frustrated, Dean had to resort to promising him a relaxing massage later, which according to Cas hadn't helped in calming him down. He just wanted to get there that little bit more desperately, Dean remembered him saying, remembered the teasing lilt with which the line had been delivered. That thought brought a stupid grin to his face, one of those he just couldn't wipe off no matter how hard he tried. Thankfully no one was paying him any particular attention, all too wrapped up with their own thoughts or _actually_ listening what was being said on stage.

Dean shuffled and fidgeted in his chair as the voices droned on. He had never been one for sitting still any amount of time. He wished that some of the people he had come to call friends over these last few months would sit with him, but the alphabetical seating order had him sit next to students he really couldn't care less for. He was BORED. This weird pomp and circumstance, band playing and speeches about how wonderful this whole experience had been (haha, if only) were not really his thing, yet at the same time, as the first students started their walk up onto the stage, an ever increasing thrum of nerves worked his way through his system, and maybe, just maybe, a tiny little bit of pride. He actually made it, he still had no idea how he pulled this one out of his ass but somehow he managed to graduate. Not that his grades were anything to write home about. But who gave a crap. It was a large cry from where he saw his life going a little over a year ago.

Dean fidgeted some more. He just wanted to get up there already. He kind of hated his last name right now, as he had to sit and watch kid after kid go up on stage, receiving their diploma and the obligatory handshake. But no matter how long he perceived this whole ordeal to take, when it finally was his turn, Dean suddenly felt self-conscious as all those eyes rested on him as he walked onto the stage to accept his diploma.

The rest was all a blur, and before he knew it, everyone was cheering and shouting and caps were being thrown into the air and Dean just had to go and find his family. He just hoped he would find them all in one piece. He knew he had been a coward not telling his father about Cas coming but it wasn't like they were exactly on speaking terms about these issues. They were more like tip-toeing around each other, feeling each other out, almost like getting to know each other again for the first time. He could appreciate his father's efforts at straightening himself out, finally, but that didn't just suddenly erase all the bad blood that had built up between them over the years and especially this last year.

The fact that the ceremony hadn't been interrupted by any great shouting matches could only be a good sign, Dean tried to console himself as he squeezed his way through the crowd.

He hadn't even worked his way up all the way to the bleachers when he was accustomed by his brother, who flung himself at him at full force.

"Dean, oh my god! I'm so proud of you." Sam screeched at full force, his voice doing some serious acrobatics thanks to his recent brush with puberty. Dean laughed, grabbing him around the waist and twirling his not quite so little brother anymore around.

"Thanks squirt. Where's the rest of them?" Dean asked putting Sam back on the ground, ruffling the young Winchester's way too long hair in that way he just knew would annoy his baby brother. Sam batted his hand away with pointed glare, which quickly replaced again by that creepy, all-too happy smile, as he continued to bounce excitedly.

"They're still making their way through the crowd. Come on." Sam grabbed Dean by the sleeve and pulled him towards the rest of his family.

Dean hadn't expected his grin could get any bigger, to feel any more excited than when Sam had accustomed him and infected him with all his happiness, but when he set eyes on Cas, his face literally split in two. The man stood next to Bobby and Jody and looked at Dean like he was the most precious being on the whole planet, smiling at him in that adorable lopsided way that Dean had come to love so much. The teen could feel his face heat up. The other people around him were temporarily forgotten as he bee-lined straight towards the man and planted a big kiss on his lips, not giving a single fuck about what anyone might have to say about this display of affection.

The kiss only lasted for a second and then Cas pulled him in for a bone-crushing hug, managing to lift Dean up on the floor.

"I am so happy for you." Cas whispered against Dean's ear, goosepumps forming where the teenager felt the delicate brush of air against his skin.

Bobby and Jody also smiled like kids at a Christmas party as they demanded their turn, pulling him in for a hug each. And then it was the turn of his old man, who looked like he was at a loss at what to say or do, never having been one for big emotional displays, well definitely not of the sentimental variety. He eventually settled on holding out his hand with a "Well done, son," and giving him a pat on the shoulder with his other, as Dean took his hand in a firm shake.

Dean beamed at them all in turn, not really knowing where to focus on exactly as everybody talked at the same time, Sam demanding for all of them to pose so he could take pictures for posterity. Dean smiled and posed with everyone of his little family unit but inevitably his gaze was always drawn back to Cas. And then he remembered-

"Excuse us for a minute," Dean addressed the small assembly of people around him. "I promised someone to introduce them to Cas." He took Cas' hand and tugged, the man following willingly as Dean tried to navigate his way through the throng of people.

It took him a few minutes, and a couple of shoulder pats and hugs as he ran into friends along to way, to locate Aaron and his parents.

"Hey man!" Dean smirked pulling the smaller teen in for a hug, before remembering his manners and greeting his parents with a smile.

"Simon, this is the nice young man who took our Aaron to Prom." Mrs. Bass introduced Dean. Dean was glad that for all the crap his friend had to endure at school, his parents seemed to be totally cool with his sexuality. It was refreshing to see.

"Ah Dean, I take it."

"Yes, nice to meet you, Sir."

"Call me Simon, please."

Dean smiled and nodded, but was quick to focus his attention back on his friend who all but outright stared at the man next to him.

"So," Dean smiled, placing his hand in Cas' again. "This is Cas."

Aaron smiled, holding out his hand. "Hi Cas. Heard a lot about you."

"And I about you. Nice to finally meet you." Cas shook the teen's hand. Aaron's parents looked a bit confused between the three of them.

"This is Dean's boyfriend." Aaron informed them.

Dean didn't say anything but he noticed the short moment, the blip of a calculating glance as the parents looked between them, clearly noticing the age gap and probably a multitude of questions forming on their lips. Dean held his tongue, despite instinctively wanting to go on the defensive and telling them his relationship was none of their business. But both he and Cas were well aware that they would (at least for quite some time) be met with that kind of reaction, and they couldn't always just jump down people's throats over it. So instead of talking or coming up with some kind of weird stories or excuses, they both just smiled at them, hands still clutched together. And then, just like that, the moment passed as Mrs. Bass extended her hand to Cas, who took it with a smile as she told him how nice it was to meet him and what an extraordinary young man Dean was. God, Aarons parents really were cool, and Dean did totally not blush at being called extraordinary.

They exchanged a few more words before they excused themselves. It was a day to spend with family after all and they had a reservation at Dean's favorite Italian restaurant to celebrate. Dean felt eyes on them as they walked back towards the others, some curious but more than a few judgmental but he just needed to learn to let it roll of his back. Almost in defiance, he kept holding on to Cas' hands, broadcasting in no uncertain terms that 'yes, they were _together_ together'.

Despite an initial impulse to let go of the teen's hand, Cas held on. He wasn't one for extensive PDA, as Dean called it, at the best of times and right now, he had one of those moments where he felt put on the spot, felt the judgment of people around him, not just for being gay, but for being with someone so much younger. But his feeling of discomfort was not enough for him to let go of Dean's hand. They had fought too hard for this to just let some people who knew nothing about them, ruin this moment. He knew how much this meant for Dean and he was just so incredibly proud and happy.

And they almost would have made it through without incident, few stares aside. It was as they were all headed back to their respective cars, Dean intending to give up a ride in his baby to join Cas' in atrocity, as he lovingly called it, that their little bubble burst.

"Do you guys mind? There's kids here." Some dude yelled from two cars over, looking like he actually wanted to do a hell of a lot more if he had the chance.

Dean could feel Cas go rigid beside him, he could feel his own fight or flight instincts kick in. They exchanged a quick look, Cas giving Dean a small shake with his head, indicating that he thought they should leave well enough alone. He probably saw the fury in Dean's eyes, he really knew him well. As much as Dean was aware he should stay out of trouble, he felt his hackles rise. What was this asshole's problem? They were only holding hands, by far not the worst that was going on around here.

"What, this?" Dean shouted back, bringing his and Cas' clutched hands up for everyone to see. "Last I checked hand-holding was not a crime, Plus, you do have eyes don't you? There are in fact people kissing just over there, not gonna cuss them out?"

The dude looked furious. "You can't compare the two! _That_ is normal- what you-"

"So you're saying hand holding is wrong but blatant affection is fine?" So it would totally okay for me to do this?" Dean had that glint in his eyes and before Cas could do any damage limitation, Dean planted a big kiss on his cheek.

"I'm saying that it is not normal for two men to be like that and that we don't want to have it paraded around our kids in plain sight." The guy was actually starting to walk towards them now.

"Hold on, son." Bobby snuck up beside them, staring the guy down angrily.

"And who gets to decide that it's oh so wrong?" Dean held the guy's angry stare.

"It is written that a man should not lie with another man like with a woman." And oh, he did not just say that, the poor sucker. Dean could feel Cas' hand slip out of his own and saw the man pulling himself up to his full height shoulder back and chest out, making him look rather menacing as the stared the guy down like he wanted to smite him right there. Cas didn't have many buttons to press, but mercy on the poor soul who happened find one of them, and oh did the guy just press the wrong one. Cas had come too far in his quest to unite his sexuality and his religions beliefs, had endured too much crap from hypocrites just like this dick, to take this lying down. Dean was 200% sure of that and also strangely proud of his boyfriend for standing up for himself.

Dean would almost feel sorry for the dick, only he did not as he watched Cas taking two decisive strides towards the man in question, before launching into a lecture as to why his interpretation of the bible was faulty at best, then pointing to his wife, asking if she enjoyed wearing what looked like a polyester/cotton blend top because clearly, by the dude's reasoning, she was destined to go to hell for this, and ending in an exposition on different meanings and translations of certain core passages 'dickheads' like him would always come to quote or take out of context without probably ever having taken the trouble at looking at the original texts and discovering their meanings and oh- he actually spent his last year doing exactly that and was in the process of writing a book about this, which obviously would be lost on Neanderthals like him.

The guy's face matched an angry tomato by the end of Castiel's lecture and he looked like he was one second away from physically attacking Cas, as clearly he was totally outmatched on the intellectual front. Dean readied himself just in case he had to jump in. But thankfully, the ass must have come to the conclusion that he would not win in a fight with Dean, Bobby and Sam standing beside Cas and Jody having put on her best cop-face which alone would make most people quake. Even John looked like he would jump into the fray if need be. The jerk gave Cas one last disgusted look as he huffed some profanities under his breath before storming back to his wife and 2.4 kids, ushering them inside the car.

Dean didn’t think he had ever been prouder of his boyfriend. He knew how much of a sore topic this whole religion issue always had been for him and for Cas to just come out and face one of those zealots head on, yeah, Dean had to kiss him again, right here an then, plus Cas looked like he needed a hug, desperately, as all the fight left his body and he actually started to shake a bit as the reality of what he had just done set in.

"That- was _awesome_!" Sammy piped in, having avidly watched the whole exchange and Bobby slapped Cas on the shoulder. "Boy, you did good there. Never let no-one tell ya who you can and can't love." Dean was sure he saw a distinct shimmer in Castiel's eyes as he nodded, clearly lost for words. Dean could only assume what those words coming from Bobby, after all the drama over these last few years, must mean to him. He felt his own eyes sting in sympathy and quickly covered it up with a cough.

"Now can we please go and get some food, us old folks have a bedtime to keep." Bobby grumbled as he made his way over to his car.

#

"What a day." Castiel heaved a sigh as he fell back onto Dean's bed. The long day, with all its excitement and drama finally was catching up with him.

Dean shuffled, apparently aimlessly, in the center of the small room, a tad anxious of sharing this less than luxurious living space with Cas. Then again, Cas had seen the way the Winchester brothers lived at close quarters before, back in Chicago, what felt like a lifetime ago now. Based on that knowledge, Cas was definitely not one to judge. Plus, right now the man looked like any horizontal surface would do him just fine.

Dean chuckled as he walked over, perching on the bed next to Cas. "Yeah, the dinner was something else." Tense wouldn't even begin to cover it. Cas and John had mainly just politely ignored each other but Dean counted it as a win that they all at least managed to sit at the same table for nearly two hours.

"Mhhh." Castiel hummed eyes closed and arm flung over his face.

"Tired?"

"And sore." Castiel rolled his right shoulder to emphasize the point.

"Must be getting old." Dean ribbed fondly, nudging Cas' leg.

"Fuck you, too." Cas grumbled, but it didn't hold any venom. They might still have their moments but overall they were getting more comfortable at poking fun at what had been an issue for them for so long.

"Oh, such colorful language from such an educated mouth." Dean continued his tease.

"I have it on good authority that you are, in fact, rather fond of this educated mouth." Castiel mumbled into his arm.

Dean snorted, a witty reply on the tip of his tongue when Castiel groaned again as he shifted.

"Is it really that sore?" Dean enquired, voice gone soft.

"Mhh. Nothing a good night's rest won't fix." Cas answered.

The teenager was just about to agree and suggest they get ready for bed when he remembered. "That reminds me, turn over." Dean instructed.

Castiel gave the teen a quizzical peek with one eye from under his arm but then did as he was asked. A second later he let out a contented sigh when he felt the palm of Dean's hand press gently into the muscles of his shoulder.

"I almost forgot, I promised to help you relax." Dean explained further as he went to work and dug into Cas' shoulder muscles with his knuckles.

"Ouch, that _actually_ hurts! That's not relaxing!" Cas squirmed, trying to flinch away from Dean's suddenly rather firm touch.

"Shut up, and put up. Your muscles are as hard as a rock on this side." Dean gently pressed Cas back down onto the mattress.

"Ok, ok, just ease up a bit please."

"Alright, just try and relax. Cas, you're strung tighter than a bow. Also, taking this…" he tugged at Cas' shirt, "off, would be helpful."

"You just want to get me out of my clothes." Cas mumbled, but regardless pulled up to sitting, unbuttoning and taking off his shirt.

"Guilty as charged!" Dean chuckled. "Now lie back and lemme work on those muscles."

Dean dug his fingers in again. He was determined to make good on his earlier promise.

"Mhhh, nice." Cas started to feel the knot in his left shoulder loosen, finally it didn't feel like Dean was torturing him anymore. He supposed, he really had been rather stressed and tense, after the long drive and the excitement of the day.

Dean worked on both of Cas' shoulders before turning his attention to his spine, working his knuckles and fingers up and down, feathering out towards the side along the ribs. He could feel Cas start to go slack under him, arms out by his side and face pressed into the pillow. He looked so relaxed and kind of hot there on his bed that Dean couldn't' help himself, he just had to bring his mouth down and nip along the man's shoulder, earning him a moan.

"Dean-" Cas whined, before suddenly moving into action, bucking Dean off and flipping them over on the bed, almost pushing the teen off in the process, when he slightly misjudged the dimensions of the bed.

"Hey, I wasn't fini-" Dean's protest got lost when Cas' lips covered his mouth, gently biting his bottom lip.

Dean groaned. Castiel chuckled into the kiss, then deepening it, pushing Dean down into the mattress, before pulling back with a gasp.

"Thought you were _tired_?" The teen mumbled, his voice clearly portraying his flirtatious intent.

"Second wind, I guess. Shame we can't really do much, with everyone around." Cas said the words but his eyes held a sparkle to the contrary that did things to Dean.

"I can be _very_ quiet-" Dean turned on his charm, all thoughts of an early, quiet night wiped from his mind. He didn't much care about everyone in the house right now. Sammy had kindly volunteered to sleep on the couch, giving Dean and Cas some privacy in their shared room and John was across the hall, probably sulking but thankfully he hadn't put up a fight about Cas staying here. Small mercies, Dean had to remind himself. All in all, this was as private as they would get until they set off and it had been too damn long since they had been together.

"Not in my experience." Cas nibbled along the teen's jawline, making Dean groan, a sound which he quickly swallowed back, looking at Cas defiantly, his gaze holding the glint of a challenge.

"Well, there is _one_ way to shut me up." Dean teased, pushing at the older man's chest, urging him to get off him and stand up. Cas did so without question and Dean followed, walking Cas back a few steps until his back hit the wall. He sank to his knees in front of him, and this time it was Cas who had to hold back a moan.

Dean's hand roamed up and down Cas' strong muscular, jeans clad legs before making quick work of the button and zipper, pulling Cas out. He tantalizingly mouthed at the man's erection, before looking up, green eyes locking on blue, as he took him in. At that, Cas' head fell back against the wall with a thud, and Dean squeezed his thighs in a silent reminder that they needed to keep it down. Cas let out a quiet, desperate half-laugh, half-whimper as Dean continued his ministrations.

Within minutes, Cas was a trembling mess. Judging by the state of the man, Dean concluded that he was getting rather good at this as the licked and sucked and teased the hard length with his tongue. He bobbed his head, engulfing Cas' erection before sliding off again. These days, he managed to get almost all of Cas inside his mouth without chocking. It was work in progress but Dean was determined that one day he would be able to swallow down all of him.

"Dean- I" Cas let out a broken sob, only to be shushed by the teenager.

"There might be a way for both of us to stay quiet." Castiel said, still panting, yanking at Dean's hair and making him pull off. He ushered Dean onto the bed, urging him to lie down. Dean looked up at him, curiosity and desire written all over his face, as Cas quickly stepped out of his trousers, pulling his boxers off and disposing of his socks before climbing up on the bed.

Dean let out a surprised squawk, not quite in line with their whole 'let's keep it down' plan, but while he expected Cas' mouth on his, instead he found himself with a full-frontal view of Cas' stiff cock dangling over his face, as the man straddled him around his head, bracketing Dean's hips with his arms.

"This ok?" Cas asked, looking at Dean from over his shoulder where his face was inches away from Dean's, unfortunately still clothed, erection.

It took Dean a second to process what was going on but then he gave Cas a feral grin and an enthusiastic nod. "More than ok!" and with that he reattached his mouth to Cas' cock, moaning around it a moment later when he felt the man undoing his jeans, pulling him out and licking a long wet stripe along the length of his erection.

This was kind of awesome, Dean concluded as his senses were flooded on both ends, from having Cas thrust into his mouth and from Cas' mouth on him at the same time. He grabbed around Cas' waist, urging the man on while bucking his own hips and god, his toes were already curling and he could feel his balls draw up. He garbled _'Cas'_ around the hard flesh in his mouth as he came, shaking from the release but sucking that little bit harder and feeling the man's own release flooding his mouth a moment later.

They rolled off each other, panting hard. Cas took a few well needed breaths before turning and climbing back up to face Dean before collapsing next to him, both grinning stupidly at each other.

"So gotta do that again." Dean pointed out and Cas mhh'ed in the affirmative, pulling Dean close to him.

They reached the stage of silent contentedness and were about to drift off when Cas just had to remind Dean that he technically was still fully clothed and should really rectify that. Dean grumbled but complied, cuddling up naked to Cas was incentive enough to get him moving. They actually should go and brush their teeth, especially after their earlier activities, but neither seemed to be bothered by the prospect of horrendous morning breath.

They fell asleep to quiet conversations about Dean's plans for the next few months until his course would start, both very keen on trying to carve out some time for them, and definitely to celebrate Dean's eighteen's birthday in style.

#

Their impromptu road trip was a total of three days and took them west as far as Black Hills National Forest. Dean never would have expected he would enjoy seemingly aimless trekking around in woods but he couldn't deny that the scenery was stunning. And in the end it was time spent with Cas, which was always awesome. A lot of times it was just the two of them on some trail or other, sweaty from the heat, and more than once they managed to fit in an extended make-out session. Dean never appreciated the quiet of nature more.

They spent two nights at a hotel near Rapid City, in a room with two queen size beds. Not that the second bed saw much action but they both agreed that because of the obvious age gap and Dean not being eighteen for another few weeks, they would keep it simple and not give cause for too many questions. They just didn't want anything to complicate their few precious days together. But at least the hotel they stayed at was LGBT positive (according to Cas' good friend Google).

If it hadn't been for the incident at the restaurant where they decided to go for lunch on their last day, it would have been near perfect. Dean and Cas had been a bit cozier than might have been advisable but it was a nice day, the sun was shining overhead and the atmosphere in general was very relaxed. They were laughing and flirting, Dean not really holding back on his juvenile charm as he enjoyed how he could make Cas smile, and the world just seemed right.

As Cas got the check, Dean excused himself to go to the restroom. If you'd ask him after, he would swear blind that he never saw the guy following him. Dean used to pride himself on his good self-preservation skills (a skill borne out of necessity) but maybe it was because he was just so happy and relaxed that he had let his defenses slide.

He honestly never believed that people actually did that kind of thing, trying to pick someone up randomly in a restroom, but he didn't even get a chance to pull himself out do his business, before a guy, about forty by the looks of it, cornered him with a leer, giving him a once over that made Dean feel sick. Going rigid, body suddenly on high alert, Dean pulled himself up in an attempt to look taller, still the guy seemed to tower over him.

"Do you mind?" Dean asked, trying to keep his voice level.

"In fact I don't, gorgeous." The man stated with a wink, completely ignoring Dean's discomfort.

Dean looked confused for a second. "What?"

"Ah come on, don' play coy. I saw you batting those pretty lashes as that guy." The man leaned in, making Dean want to fade into the wall.

"What's you're damage?" He gritted out.

"I've been watching you. It appears like you are very appreciative of the more mature men. But believe me, honey." The guy's eyes raked over Dean again, making him feel like just a piece of meat." You look like you need someone who knows how to handle you, bet you have a right mouth on you when you want to." And the guy's leer briefly flicked to Dean's lips, like he was imagining just what those lips could do. It made Dean want to hurl. "And that guy, just doesn't look the type who could handle you. Lucky for you, I like a challenge. I know how to put you in your place, and I can give you stuff the other guy will never be able to. You're such a pretty little thing, I bet you just need a nice Daddy to tell you what a good boy you are."

Dean had no idea whether to be sick or just punch the guy.

"Get the fuck off of me." He tried to push against about 250 pounds of muscle and flesh.

"Playing hard to get? You were not so shy a few minutes ago, all but climbing into that guy's lap. Gives a man ideas, you know. He probably has no idea how special you are, how to treat you right and make you moan."

It must have been the sudden rage he felt, that gave Dean the strength to actually move the guy back a few inches, staring him down. "You know _fuck all_ about our relationship. You think this is some sick game we're playing? That I'm just with Cas because it gives me some weird kick or because _he can give me stuff_? Fuck you. Someone like _you_ will never understand what we have. And I'm sure as hell not responsible for your twisted mind. So if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna kick you in the balls so hard, you won't be able to get it up for at least a month, and believe me I know how to get you where it hurts!" Dean actually managed to wedge his leg into such a position that made it quite clear he was going to follow through on his threat.

The guy finally seemed to get the message and stepped away holding his hands up in surrender, giving Dean a disdainful look, like he suddenly sprouted a contagious disease.

"Suit yourself. You're probably not worth the hassle, just some high maintenance little cocksucker." He gritted out before leaving Dean perched against the wall, breathing hard.

To say the rest of the day was ruined for Dean was putting it mildly. Cas shot him continuous perturbed glances as they made their way back to Sioux Falls, but Dean just didn't feel up for sharing. Call it embarrassment, feeling like shit for what they guy had called him, or maybe it was some niggling worry that if he told his boyfriend, it would trigger a spiral of doubt and self-consciousness about their relationship that they had just started to get past. Dean hated this, that people just judged them based on outward appearance. Just some old dude keeping himself a boy toy, or countless variation thereof. They should all just mind their own fucking business.

Cas, of course, could just tell something was off about Dean. One minute they were all smiles and banter and a few minutes later it was like Dean had caved in on himself. Oh he still made conversation, still tried to smile but it was forced, the easiness had disappeared. But Cas knew pushing too hard would sent the teen flying in the opposite direction. These last few days had been the best he had in years (company of a certain parent aside, but Cas would just have to learn to live with that) and to end it on a bitter note, without knowing if or what he might have done wrong to have Dean withdraw like that, killed the man.

It took Cas until they headed to bed that night, lying next to each other but nor really with each other, to finally coax it out of the boy. Cas was furious, not at Dean for not telling him sooner, but at that asshole who had Dean diminished to some kind of sex toy that was available to the highest bidder. He could understand Dean's hesitance to tell him, for one Cas was not sure if he would have tried to go after the guy but also because to some extent the guy's perception of them did brush on issues Cas had in the past wrestled with, and it was not easy to just brush those off, no matter how far fetched. It was definitely something he still needed to wrestle with but it was not for Dean to wrestle them for him. If anything, they needed to address these together. And despite having an agonizing long drive back to Chicago to look forward to the next day, they talked deep into the night, until Cas just conked out mid-sentence.

#

"That's the last of 'em." Dean panted, dropping the box to the floor. Apparently heaving a couple of them up three flights of stairs was all it took to get him out of breath (maybe he should look into doing some cardio). Who thought owning so little still translated in multiple bags and boxes that needed shifting from the car to the room that he would be calling home for at least the next year.

A multitude of other students and parents were populating the corridors of the dorms and for the first time the reality of the situation hit Dean. He would spent his next couple of years with these people, having to make new friends, not to mention the sheer amount of coursework he would have to get through while trying to hold down a part-time job. A job he only got because Bobby knew a guy who knew a guy. And while Dean still was not the best at accepting help, he was getting better, accepting the offer after only minimal grumbling that he would be able to find a job on his own. And, of course, there was the fact that he still felt kind of guilty for leaving Sam behind. No matter that he could be back in Sioux Falls in a matter of hours if need be. That was one of the reasons he settled on Minneapolis out of the pathetically few choices that had been open to him, but right now that knowledge didn't help much.

He looked wistfully at his brother who was bouncing on the bed, testing out the strength of the mattress, while Cas stood by, shaking his head with a chuckle at the younger' Winchester's exuberance. Dean shifted his gaze to focus fully on Cas. He was so happy the man had found the time to accompany him. Cas drove all the way to Sioux Falls to pick him and his brother up. Sammy had insisted on coming and seeing Dean's new 'digs'. And after dropping Dean off, he would drive Sam back to Sioux Falls, stay the night at Jody and Bobby's before heading back home. Talk about one big road trip for his boyfriend.

Yet, Dean knew Cas wouldn't want it any other way. He had been there for Dean while figuring out what course to go for and all through the grueling application process. He helped him to apply for his student loans, and he damn well wanted to be there to help Dean settle in. Dean smiled to himself. God he already missed him and they haven't even said goodbye yet. But after spending a considerable amount of time together over the summer, he kind of got used to having Cas around. Again, he didn’t' live a world away, but they both would be rather busy during term-time, so it would have to be the occasional weekend visit, at least until Thanksgiving which they planned on spending with Sam and the rest of his extended family. Dean had even suggested to invite Gabriel along, as he was now very much wife-less and also not keen on spending it with their other siblings, and probably would have hung out with Cas anyway.

Dean was pulled from his thoughts by a decidedly unhealthy noise from his bed frame.

"Hey, I gotta pay for that if you break it." He scolded his brother.

"Just making sure it can take your big-ass weight." Sam teased.

"Watch it squirt!" Dean took out a pair of socks from the duffle he had just opened and flung it at his brother. Cas couldn't hide his snort of amusement.

"Got anything to add on the topics of beds?" Dean raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend. " _Or,_ for that matter, on the size of my ass?" This time it was Sam who nearly chocked on his saliva as he tried to hold back the laughter. "Ew, gross."

Cas ignored Sam's protests and focused his piercing blue eyes on Dean, smirking at him. "In fact I do, but I am afraid it would not be suitable for younger ears."

" _Caaaas,_ " Sammy whined.

"You insisted on coming, now shut up and let me'n Cas talk this out." Dean scolded his brother while he had his eyes locked on Cas. "Because I am rather interested in his opinion." He dropped the shirt he was holding and took a step towards the older man.

Sam sighed in the background, mumbling something about stupid ass brothers as Cas opened his mouth to reply. There was a god after all, Sam decided as it was at that moment that another guy stepped into the room.

"Hey, you must be the room-mate." A big burly guy with a southern twang garnered everyone's attention.

Dean wanted to snort, 'stating the obvious, dude' ready on his tongue but the guy just smiled warmly and stretched out his hand.

"The name is Benny, got here yesterday."

"Dean." Dean took the offered hand. "Just moving in." And d'oh, who was stating the obvious now?

"You guys mind if I hang here while you get yourself sorted. I was gonna explore Campus but not really a big fan of the whole 'end of the world' downpour going on right now."

"Yeah, sure, it's your room as much as mine." Dean said. As much as he would have loved some more time to just get acclimatized, he couldn't just throw this guy out. Probably wouldn't be a smart move if he wanted to get along with him and the dude seemed easy going enough as he propped himself up on his bed and buried himself behind a book.

The rest of the packing, for reasons, went a lot quieter, hushed conversations and a distinct lack of ribbing of little brothers or flirting with Cas.

And then, before Dean was ready for it, it was time for Sammy and Cas to leave. Dean knew it was silly, this hollow feeling like this was the end, it would at most be a few weeks before he would see them again but right now it was monumental. He felt like he was being left behind, not like this was the beginning of the rest of his life. He pulled Sammy into a one armed hug, urging him to call and Skype him every day and to let him know the second something might go wrong back home. Sam clung to him for a long moment, really not making this easier but Dean kept a brave face. He could hide in the bathroom and cry later.

But if he might have just about been able to convince Sammy that he was a-okay, he knew he couldn't fool Cas. The man must have seen the emotions written all over his face. He didn't even bother with any platitudes, just pulled Dean in, hugging him like his life dependent on it, and it was just what Dean needed. He buried his face in Cas' neck, taking all the time he needed to compose himself, because damn it, he wouldn't cry in front of his new roomie.

Only when he felt emotionally stable enough did Dean re-emerge from where he hid his face and placed both his hands on Cas' cheeks, leaning in and giving him a deep slow kiss.

"Gonna see you soon."

"Of course." Cas smiled, tracing his thumb over Dean's cheek.

"Drive carefully and call me."

"As soon as I'm back in Sioux Falls."

"Good." They both were lingering now, just trying to stretch out this moment as long as they could.

"Hey Cas, if we wanna get back while it still is today, we really need to move." Sam hated to interrupt Dean and Cas' _moment_ but there really was only so long two people could gaze at each other before things became somewhat awkward for the unlucky bystanders.

"Of course. I hope you settle in. Nice to meet you Benny." Cas said, and Benny looked up from his book, where he clearly had tried to give the other people some privacy.

"You too."

"I walk you to the car." Dean said, and Cas smiled, offering his hand for Dean to take and together the three of them disappeared from the room.

Dean came back in ten minutes later, another goodbye had turned into another kiss and in the end he and Cas had to have mercy on Sam and say good-bye for real.

He smiled at this Benny person, as he went to work, putting sheets onto his bed.

"Younger brother?" The deep voice from across the room interrupted after a few minutes.

"Yeah, you got any siblings?" Dean asked as he continued to sift through his stuff.

"Nah, only child. Always wanted one though."

"Right pain in the ass, but yeah wouldn’t wanna be without him."

"And the other dude?" The questions was delivered a bit more cautiously.

Dean felt himself tense slightly Ah well, nothing like coming out to your roommate on your first day. Also, how could the guy have missed them kissing earlier? Must be a good book.

"Boyfriend." He turned to look at Benny, trying to gauge his reaction.

Benny simply nodded. "So, you're gay?"

"Bi actually, but not that it matters, I'm taken."

Benny raised one eyebrow. "Guy seems kind of old for- you know." Ah, there it was. Dean, of course, had already anticipated the questions and would have gotten defensive but the guy really just seemed to appear curious, not holding any obvious judgment in his gaze.

"Not to me, plus- he's awesome and we're good together." He could give Benny their tragic life-story another day.

"In the end that's all that matters." Benny replied, and with that the discussion was over and he turned back to his book, giving Dean some privacy.

Dean smiled, he had the feeling that he might get along well with his roommate and as for the rest, if the last years had taught him anything, it was that if you didn't give up and fought for what you wanted, somehow things had a tendency to work themselves out. He would still be there for Sam in one capacity or another, being his big brother and looking out for him wouldn't just stop because he was a few hours away and he and Cas would just have to keep finding ways of making this relationship work, and Dean was certain they would manage. After all, life had pretty much already thrown all it had at them and they had come out the other end.

He shot a quick text to Cas, just saying that he would miss him tonight, before going about finding places for all his belongings and turning this into a place he could call home for the foreseeable future and grinning goofily at the reply he received about half an hour later.

Dean gazed at the simple 'I love you' for a long moment, and this time there was no need to delete or hide it from anyone's sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I honestly can't believe there is only the Epilogue left now. I can't make any promises, but with me being off work for the next week and a half, I'm going to try my damn hardest to get this out by the New Year.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the end! I can't believe this journey is finally over. I've grown so attached to these versions of my favorite guys and it's real hard to let them go. Thank you all for reading and sticking with me and being patient when updates were slow coming. Maybe there are even a few of you out there who have been here from the start, all these 2+ year ago when this started as a crazy idea of mine, planned to be no more than 20 chapters (hahahaha).
> 
> Finally, I might have slightly veered off into borderline Explicit territory towards the end but I hope you guys won't mind.

_7 years later_

"Dean! Are you coming out of there any time soon or will I have to tell everyone to go home?"

"Just gimme a god-damn minute Sammy!"

"You had _ten_ , so unless you're taking the dump of your life at the most inopportune time ever, is it safe to assume that you are freaking out right now?"

" _Noo,_ " Dean retorted, voice about an octave too high to make this anything other than a lie.

"Well, _great_!" His behemoth of a brother snarled sarcastically (and seriously, what had Sam put in his Wheetos to end up about five inches taller than him, he was and always would be his baby brother for god's sake). And of course, Mr. future hot-shot lawyer wasn't done yet, Dean sighed. "Because there is only so long we can keep talking Cas down from ledge. You know how he gets when things don't go as planned. So unless you want to send your other half to an early grave, get your butt out of there and man up."

"Just tell him I'm gonna be out in one, I promise." Dean snapped back, opening the faucet and splaying his face with cold water. He wasn't panicking, no way! He had wanted this for years after all. It was just this god-awful suit and tie, making him feel not quite like himself, that was getting to him, was all. Why couldn't he do this in a pair of jeans and a Henley? It would be more authentic. Who wrote the stupid rulebook that stated that people needed to be pretentious, and dressed up? It wasn't like much of their relationship through the years had followed any particular societal rules, why start now? But he also knew that Cas was very much a traditionalist when it came to certain things in life. So for the older man's sake Dean had been willing to suck it up. Plus, objectively looking, he could admit that he looked rather handsome in the suit, which was tailored to fit him perfectly in all the right places. He had filled out and grown into his large frame these last few years; broad shouldered with well-defined arm and back muscles, which made it hard at times to find shirts or jackets that fitted him well but on any average day he could get away with slightly ill fitting clothes.

Thankfully his job as a substance and alcohol abuse counselor meant he was normally fine in jeans and plaid. Yeah, at times he still couldn't believe where life had taken him career wise. But after having volunteered at a local help center for some work experience during his first year in college, he had been quick to change his course from economics (really what had be been thinking, that stuff was boring as shit) to psychology and counseling. Dean, at the time, had felt his personal insights into these matters gave him an advantage over the oftentimes well intended but lacking in personal experience counselors, and despite it being an extremely demanding and at time draining job, Dean wouldn't trade it in for the world. The only real downside was the fair amount of paperwork and bureaucracy he had to put up with. He and Cas had taken up running together every morning to balance out the time they spent stuck behind a desk in their respective jobs.

Dean straightened out his suit, giving himself a good once over, smirking at his reflection in a silent attempt at a pep talk. He'd say he was in good shape overall. Even that small amount of pudge around his belly that just refused to shift, no matter how much he ran or how many sit-ups he did (okay, so he gave up on those after about a month), didn't bother him anymore. How could it, when it was one of Cas' favorite's bits about his body, and he found himself with hickeys and bite marks around his midriff on a regular basis.

He sighed. Yeah, he couldn't blame his current nerves on his appearance. Must be the people waiting out there in the chapel then that had him presently hide in a clammy, slightly smelly toilet. Most of them had been along for the ride of Cas' and his eventful relationship and as much as it elated Dean that they would be here to witness their union today, it also scared him. He was not a fan of laying himself open emotionally. It was something private, only to be shared with the select few he felt truly comfortable with, but he would do so today- for Cas. No way would he turn his vow into some lame-ass joke speech just because he didn't like to freely talk about his feelings.

He glanced at his (still slightly wet) reflection in the mirror, grabbing some paper towels to dab away the worst of the moisture, suddenly unable to hold back a manic chuckle. Who would have thought that they actually would get to this point? Probably most people (yes those ones currently waiting out there for them to make an appearance) would have given their relationship the death sentence more than once, but definitely during The Fallout, as it shall forever be known, four years ago; and it damn well might have been.

Dean shuddered at the memory of the fight that had led to the worst six months of his life. He and Cas, like any other couple, had had their ups and downs as they tried to navigate the stormy waters of a long-distance relationship. Only that on top of the usual, to be expected disagreements between two people, theirs had often been exacerbated by their continuous clash with the real world over the unique parameters of their relationship. Mostly, from what Dean remembered anyway, it was Cas who through bouts of insecurities (and letting those quietly whispered reservations other people had about them get to him) kept questioning Dean's ability to be happy with him in the long run. With hindsight and his now available professional knowledge, Dean would say, that Cas had still held on to some kind of guilt at over how their relationship had started and every time someone asked questions like how long they had been together, it brought those issues back up, chipping away at him. They might have had a few fights over what should define proper couple time or leisure activities, flagging up differences in interests and life experiences, but it was nothing Dean would have ever considered for a second leaving his other half over.

Then, that one fateful night, probably made worse by both of them having been stressed and bugged down by work and exams, and a small argument over where to spent their summer vacation, Cas had brought out the big one, and outright told Dean that he needed to go and spent the summer with his peers, because he never had a baseline for comparison of what his life could be like if he hadn't been with Cas basically his whole adult life. That had been the breaking point at which Dean had walked out in a rage, after yelling at Cas that if he didn't want him here, he should just say so and that Cas should come and find him once he had pulled his head out of his ass and knew what he wanted.

Dean, to this day, could not remember much of the first three months after their break-up. Only that, between studies and then his summer job and going back to Sioux Falls to see Sam, and Cas _not_ getting in contact with him, he had spent most nights taking a leaf out of his dad's book and buried his grief and anger at the bottom of a bottle. He probably had more alcohol than blood running through him for most of it, and too many one night stands to even remember any one in particular. If Cas had ended things because he wanted Dean to 'have fun' and be with his peers, well, who was he to argue had been his twisted reasoning at the time.

But none of the girls or guys could fill that massive hole the man had left behind and once he had been ready to acknowledge that, Dean had spent the next three months sobering up and flinging himself full-force at his studies, which helped excel his grades but he was miserable, merely existing not really living.

Cas hadn't come looking for him and Dean had his damn pride, plus he almost had himself believe that the other man just never really cared for him in that way when, thank god for little brothers, Sam had talked (or more yelled) some sense into him. Apparently his brother had stayed in contact with Cas, and according to him the man had been a mess but honestly had himself convinced this course of action was best for both of them in the long run.

That very night, the minute he had disconnected the call, Dean had asked a friend for his car, and made the five hour drive down to Chicago without stop. He had banged at Cas' door at five am, then once the dark haired men had opened, proceeded to yelling at him (and probably for the next three blocks to hear) why, if all he wanted was for Dean to be happy, was he taking away the one thing that had ever truly made him happy. Cas, the generally stoic man, had near burst into tears as he'd pulled Dean into the house, whispering apologies and 'I'm sorry's' and 'I missed you so much', in between hugging and kissing Dean senseless, and Dean finally had felt like being back home.

The next few months had been awkward, with waiting for test results (Dean might have on one or two occasions while drunk forgotten to put a 'sock' on it) and for the first time in their relationship they had to use protection until the, thankfully, all clear. Cas never outright mentioned that he had been hurt by Dean's coping mechanisms, but Dean could see it in the man's eyes some days. It was pretty self-evident that Cas was locked in a battle of wanting to feel hurt but not feeling like he had any right to be, because he effectively had pushed Dean away and into these other people's arms. It took them a while to get that normality and trust back but if anything, they both were fighters and they fought for their relationship, and today would be a testament to that.

Dean chuckled. He really needed to give his brother a damn big hug later, because surely, if it hadn't been for Sam, he might not be here right now, worrying about forgetting his vows or otherwise making a fool of himself. This here today was so monumental that he just needed it to be absolutely perfect. Dean realized in that moment that he definitely had put too much pressure on himself in the build-up for today and that was why he was currently hiding out here when everything he ever wanted was out there waiting for him.

With a final sigh, Dean smiled at himself, he was finally ready to go and make official what was already obvious to all but the willingly blind, that he and Cas always had and always would find a way to spent the rest of their lives together.

#

Castiel was nanoseconds away from chewing off his own nails, as he waited in the wings of the church. They both had decided to walk down the aisle together but so far his fiancé had only been felt by his absence. Gabriel was trying to cheer him up with some lame joke and Sam reassured him that Dean absolutely, definitely had promised to be out in a minute.

Most of the time Castiel had his control and OCD tendencies in check, he had needed to learn to embrace a certain amount chaos and flexibility pretty fast during his time with Dean and even before then, but right now, if someone would give him a bucket and brush to scrub at every last speck of dirt he could see hiding behind the flower pots and pillars, he would gladly sink to his knees and do so. He just needed to be busy and distract himself from something he had no control over. Dean would come out when he was ready, after all it had been him who had gone down on one knee last year and, as far as Castiel could tell, hadn't changed his opinion on the matter over these last months. The younger man had even found a LBGT friendly church they could get married in before he'd popped the question, knowing how much this would mean to Cas. The gesture had literally swept the older man off his feet. Castiel had worked under the assumption that he had no need for a document to prove to the world that they were in it for the long run, how much Dean meant to him, after all, his experiences had taught him that it was but a piece of paper, easily undone. But once Dean had asked, it was like he realized that he had been wrong, he would very much love to have said document telling the whole world that they planned on staying together and wear the ring on his finger as a constant reminder.

Gabriel and Sam were still talking to him but he tuned it out as he peeked through the slight opening in the double doors at the not quite so small crowd waiting in the pews. They both had accumulated a fair few friends and acquaintances over the years. On top of that was Dean's little family unit and on Cas' side there was slightly less family but the people that mattered to him were here.

Maybe some people had even hoped to set eyes on the infamous Balthazar Novak, although most of their close friends knew Castiel wasn't on speaking terms with his brother. Balthazar, as it had turned out, was the biggest hypocrite of the whole Novak Clan. About three years ago, Mr. High and Mighty got busted having an orgy in a brothel, which in turn had ruined his budding political career. The image of devoted Family Man and the pictures of a drunk man, bound by leather-straps as three prostitutes were _servicing_ him, unsurprisingly didn't gel too well. Castiel still, to this day, had the urge to fly over to California (yes, that was where the bastard had settled down now, living the high life) and take him down a peg or two for the way he used to treat them, and him in particular. For a brief amount of time Castiel had reveled in the feeling of just deserts where his brother was concerned, until the bastard had the audacity to turn it all around, and play the victim of upbringing and circumstances, selling his story to the highest bidder which resulted in a deal for a Reality TV show and two books.

Raphael had been in the wind for years, not wanting anything more to do with this depraved family. Good riddance as far as Castiel was concerned. The biggest surprise though had to have been Anna contacting him two years ago. Maybe it was because she was finally able to think for herself or just that the times had caught up to her, but she wanted to rebuild a relationship with him. It took them a while to find common ground but her willingness to accept Castiel despite some reservations about his sexuality, was underlined by her being here today to show her support. They had all been broken and affected by their parents' strict upbringing in some form or other and Castiel could appreciate the gesture for what it was. As for his mother, they had been on speaking terms ever since his father's death, moreso since the stunt his brothers had tried to pull all those years back. Yet, the woman could not quite bring herself to attend the wedding of two men, and Castiel had grown too tired over the years to try and convince her otherwise. It was what it was. He had enough people in his life these days to make up for the lack of parental representation.

Most of all, without a doubt, he valued the presence of his ex-wife and now quite possibly best friend, Amelia. They had been through too much together to be anything else, and she had been a constant presence in his life, and by extension Dean and Sam's. Especially the younger Winchester seemed to hold a special place for her in his heart and despite their busy lives, they tried to meet up at least a couple of times a year.

Cas had felt honored when Amelia had asked him to be her daughter's godfather and Claire's sleepovers had become somewhat legendary and given Dean and himself a taste of what it might be like to have their own children one day.

"Cas?"

He was pulled from his thoughts by the voice of the man he loved.

"Dean." Castiel smiled at his fiancé. Funny, shouldn't it be now that his nerves and anxiety should kick into overdrive? Those last minute flutters and doubts. But it was the contrary, setting eyes on Dean, Cas suddenly felt calm. Excited- most definitely, but not panicked. He was ready for this, like it was the long awaited inevitable accumulation of their lives together.

"Had me worried there for a second." Castiel chuckled warmly, squeezing the younger man's hand hard.

"Gotta keep you on your toes." Dean replied with a wink before placing a peck on the, for once, clean shaven chin of his other half.

"I hate you." Cas mumbled, the smile betraying his real emotions.

"You _really_ don't." Dean said confidently, looking at his soon to be husband and taking his hand. "Let's get this show on the road!"

#

"Will he ever shut up?" Dean leaned across, whispering in his husband's ear, eliciting a small giggle from Cas as he cheekily used the opportunity to lick across the older man's lobe. They both were slightly buzzed at this point of the evening but not enough to be able to ignore rambling brothers. Dean had stopped drinking about half an hour ago, as he was the self-assigned driver for their honeymoon, for which they would set off right after the reception. Something which currently seemed like a damn stupid idea, as Cas lifted his glass, downing the rest of his brandy, Dean looking on wistfully.

Sam was currently jabbering about the road trip Dean and Cas took him after his high school graduation and god, people didn't need to hear all this. At least Cas had managed to talk his brother out of adding actual pictures to his speech. Dean nibbled at Cas' ear again, eliciting a mewl in response, leaning into the touch. This was much more entertaining than sitting here listening to his brother, Dean decided as a million better ideas of how to spend these next few minutes paraded around in his brain, his hand slowly working its way up one of Cas' thighs.

"Dean." Cas growled in warning, making Dean stop in his ascent. "I'm trying to listen." Sam was taking his responsibility as best man very serious and okay, the speech had been dragging on a bit, but for all the help Sam had provided in pulling this day off, so far without any hitches, he deserved his moment to shine, or well, waffle, and Castiel was determined to listen to every last word of it, distracting husband next to him or not.

"And with that, let's lift our glasses to Cas and Dean." Sam turned, glass held high as he faced the happy couple.

"Fucking finally." Dean whispered as everyone else echoed Sam's sentiment. "To Cas and Dean." They inclined their glasses to the newly weds before knocking back the champagne. Their friends/family definitely knew how to hold their liquor and in hindsight the open bar might have not been such a brilliant idea, most of them already well on the way of being pleasantly drunk. He did not want to think of the hefty check they would receive at the end and worst of all, he was now stuck with sodas. Maybe if he had enough of those, he would get a sugar high.

"Dance, dance, dance!" Dean had no idea who started the chant even as he glared in turn at the most likely suspects, which all just smirked at him. He had until this very second lived in a happy alternate reality where there was no such thing as wedding dances. That wasn't to say, that he hadn't come prepared, in case of the inevitable. Because no way was he gonna waltz across the dance floor to some schmaltzy shit. Cas chortled and stared at Dean, not hiding his smug smile. He would so make him pay for this later, Dean decided as he glowered at his other half.

"Alright, alright. Calm your horses." Dean eventually announced, holding his hands up in surrender as the chanting refused to die down. His bastard of a husband was laughing beside him, having always told him that this dance would be inevitable.

"May I have this dance?" He announced for everyone to hear, extending his hand. Cas took it gingerly, but Dean was having none of it, grabbing it hard and dragging him behind him towards the dancefloor, feeling all eyes rest on them. He placed a hand on Cas' shoulder and one on his waist. Cas studied him with a certain amount of surprise, like this was the last thing he had expected, but then mirrored his stance.

Dean gave him a small wink before turning to the DJ. "Hit it".

Cas' face as the first distinct bars of Highway to Hell blasted through the speakers would be Dean's favorite memory for the rest of his life, well maybe beside the moment when his husband was about half a second away from crying as he, with shaking hands, put the ring on his finger. The sheer devotion and bliss on Cas' face almost had reduced Dean to tears as well, but only almost. And this face, right now, definitely a close second.

"You ass." Cas griped but his eyes held a special kind of affection and amusement that let Dean know he wasn't angry and that he wouldn't want Dean any other way. The rest of the wedding assembly burst into laughter as Dean swung Cas around the dancefloor, singing along to the lyrics at the top of his lungs, and only slightly off key.

"I love you, crazy and exasperating though you are." Cas whispered as he pulled his impossible husband in for a heated kiss to the cheers and wolf whistles of their friends and families.

Dean chuckled into the kiss, glad he had rightly anticipated his husband's reaction to his little joke. Despite his own hang-ups with anything dancing, he would have hated to have ruined this moment for Cas. As it was, it would be something they could tell their kids about one day. Well, if they ever decided to have some that was, otherwise he was sure, Sam would eventually grace them with a bunch of nieces and nephews they could bore with their 'wedding dance' story. Sam had grown into a rather respectable and focused young man, the way he had worked his butt off to get into Stanford on a full ride was testimony to that, and Dean just had his little brother down as the family man kind of guy.

The rest of the evening was a blur as everyone demanded dances with the respective husbands to the point where Dean's feet were fucking hurting and even Cas, who generally didn't dislike the idea of a dance, looked like he was in need of rescuing. Dean was just about to do just that when his old man pulled him aside.

"Dad." Dean said, raising his voice in question. His father shuffled from one foot to the other, clearly wanting something to say but not knowing how to start. They had few personal moments over the years but slowly over time the chasm in their little family unit had started to shrink. Dean, thanks to his work, had a new understanding of what his father had gone through. It would never make any of what he did, or failed to do in providing for him and his brother, alright; the fact that their father hadn't asked for help when things had gotten tough would forever be on him. But maybe because of seeing cases just like John, broken and unable to escape their own little hell, it had helped Dean make peace with his own past.

"Just-" John started, then stopped again. "I- I know I don't say it enough, but I'm proud of you. You did well for yourself, and it pains me to say that you did it not because of me but despite of me."

"Dad-" Dean tried to interrupt.

"No, it's true. And I am just grateful that I didn't manage to ruin your life for you." There he glanced at Cas, still on the dancefloor, currently shaking his stuff in some kind of weird threesome with Bobby and Jody, and Dean couldn't help a snort escape at the sight.

"He is a good man." John simply stated and Dean felt a distinct lump in his throat. This must be the first time ever his father acknowledged Cas as anything more than just his partner, a man John had learned to tolerate, knowing full well he had to put up with him if he wanted to hold on to his son.

"Yes, he is." Dean smiled, not caring if he looked like a dopey teenager in love.

"Look, I- there's not much I could give you two in terms of a wedding gift, as you know things are always hard financially, but I was thinking- been talking it over with Bobby in fact." John chuckled nervously. "I know there is one thing you might love nearly as much as your husband."

Dean's heart started to hammer in his chest. Surely his dad could not mean to- But before he could finish his thought, John pressed a cold metal object in his hand, which Dean recognized immediately.

"Dad- I can't-"

"Yes you can. You always cared more for this goddamn car than me. If it wasn't for you she would have gotten scraped years ago. So just take it." He curled Dean's hand into a fist around the key, leaving little room for arguments.

"Oh my god. Thank you." Dean practically jumped on the spot in excitement before pulling his father in for a hug. His dad returned it, awkwardly at first, before clutching his son tight. It probably was the first real, heartfelt, embrace they shared since Dean had been a kid.

Dean pulled apart after a moment, key jangling in his hand. John gave him a pat on the back and told him to go and find his husband and Dean did just that as he bee-lined for Cas, eager to share the good news with him.

Cas felt his husband's presence before he saw him. Dean was glowing and heading straight for him and he felt his heart speed up. The reality that this amazing, gorgeous young man had willingly chosen him, loved him, still absolutely floored him on occasion, but at least he wasn't questioning the validity of Dean's emotions or motives any more. He had learned the hard way to just accept what was freely offered to him and to worry about any complications as and when they happened.

Dean dangled a metal key in front of his face with a delight that rivaled that of a child in a sweets shop and it took Cas a second to put it together.

"The Impala?" He asked and Dean nodded his head vigorously. The next thing Cas knew was that Dean's lips where on his, devouring him right there in the middle of the dancefloor, not caring about anyone around them.

"Get a room." Someone yelled to the cheers of the crowd and Cas thought this might be as good a cue as any to announce their departure. They had done all that was required of them, listened to the speeches, danced the dance and cut the cake, and for at least the last three hours he had wanted nothing more than to grab Dean and to properly consummate their marriage.

He broke the kiss and smirked at the younger man in his arms. "What do you think, time to get out of here?"

"Hell yes." Dean breathed against his cheek with a heavy sigh.

Of course their friends and families wouldn't let them leave quietly and followed them out to the car. Apparently most must have been in on the Impala surprise, because there she stood, dead center of the parking lot, their luggage which they had left in Cas' car safely stored in the backseat, and decorated with cheesy stickers and writing, which probably would be a pain in the ass to get off, Dean huffed to himself. At least they abstained from tying anything stupid to the exhaust.

Dean couldn't enjoy the victory of small mercies for long as suddenly little white pebbles were raining down on him and Cas. People were throwing rice for goodness sake, and Dean could feel some of those nasty little grains settling in places he'd rather they not. Only once Cas promised to personally extract each and every one of the little suckers, did Dean decide that yeah, he was actually okay with rice.

They were pulled into numerous hugs, the last ones being Gabriel and Sam, who had formed a strange kind of kinship over these last years. Cas and Dean surmised that it was some kind of mentorship, as Gabriel would no doubt have a few pointers and contacts that could be useful for Sam in his chosen career path. Both brothers urged them on to go and live it up on their honeymoon, and not to throw away all their money at the roulette tables.

Finally they were let go. Cas had left his car that, thanks to John's present, was now surplus to requirements in the care of his brother, urging him to take it back to their house in one piece. Dean unlocked the Impala with a grin, holding the passenger door open for his husband.

"Your ride awaits."

"Well, thank you, Mr. Novak-Winchester." Cas said, holding a hand mockingly over his heart.

"Still think Winchester-Novak would have sounded more …"

"Hey, I won that coin toss fair and square." Cas protested lovingly, pulling Dean in by his shirt for a quick kiss.

"That you did." Dean laughed at the memory of their week-long disagreement on their future last name, until in a drunken stupor, Dean had decided to end it there and then with the toss of a coin, and of course the older man had won and had held him to it the next day. At least Dean had had a good time trying to wipe that stupid grin off his lover's face. Yeah the sex that night had been especially good.

Once Cas was seated, Dean closed the door and walked around to the driver's side, getting in beside his husband. God, Dean still couldn't believe that she was his now. He stroked the steering wheel reverently.

"I missed you, Baby."

"Don't give me reason to be jealous already." Cas snorted next to him.

"Nah, you will always be my number one." Dean grinned and for a second Cas wasn't so sure Dean actually meant him or the car. The younger man turned on the engine, the familiar rumble felt like coming home. They waved goodbye to the crowd of people who cheered as they pulled out of the parking lot of the restaurant and onto the road.

#

Dean made it about an hour on their 24 hour road trip to Las Vegas (why fly when you could drive, and the drive would be so much sweeter now that they were going in his Baby), before Cas' continuous flirtations and distracting hands had worn him down and made him pull off the interstate and into a (hopefully deserted) side road.

As soon as Dean killed the engine he had an eager Cas attached to his side, mouth hungrily nipping at his neck while his hands were zoning in straight on his crotch brushing over his already hard flesh.

Dean moaned wantonly, then huffed a muffled laugh. "Not that I'm complaining or anything- but you know our first layover is only another few hours away." They had decided to take on the first part of the journey tonight, stopping along the way for a quick nap (and possibly more) before bracing the rest of the drive in one go, but clearly Cas had other ideas.

"Nu-uh." Cas grunted, continuing to palm and grab and kiss at any bit of Dean he could get to. "Can't tell me you never wanted to have sex in this car."

Dean groaned, tilting his head to the side allowing Cas more access to his neck. "Man, you gonna kill me here." Of fucking course he had dreamed about a scenario like this more than once in the past. Sex in his Baby with Cas was pretty much the epitome of his sexual fantasies. And, despite logic telling him otherwise and the slight but very real chance of getting caught, and boy did Dean feel a bit of a thrill at that idea, he couldn't really find any reason not to indulge. Plus Cas had him already so revved up, he most likely wouldn't even be able to drive and he didn't much fancy ending their wedding night in a ditch. He grabbed Cas by the neck and kissed him with a fiery passion.

"Backseat, now." Cas ordered with a gasp, already looking wrecked. Dean was quick to obey, clambering out the door and straight into the back, finding himself a moment later with a lap full of Cas, who eagerly pulled at his dress-shirt, desperate for skin on skin contact while devouring his mouth with his own, leaving Dean panting and dizzy.

It became apparent real quick that Cas didn't want slow and sensual as he ground his hips down hard, driving his erection against Dean's and making the younger man moan in delight, as his nails raked up Dean's torso.

"I want to ride you, right here just like this." Cas moaned, frantic and near pleading as he undulated his hips in a sinful manner while simultaneously popping the button on Dean's pants.

Dean let out a little " _oh_ " at the words, and the way they were punctuated by the physical sensation. He grabbed around the older man's waist, barely holding on for the ride. It would be one of those nights then, and he was fully on board with that. Generally, they both were quite happy with their sexual dynamics, with Dean usually being the bottom and keeping things fairly vanilla apart from indulging in the occasional kink. But ever so often, the older man would get moments just like these, where he needed and craved Dean in this more aggressive way. Dean had worked out over the years that this generally correlated with emotionally charged situations in his husband's life. And while he had no idea whether Cas used sex as a way of dealing with complex emotions or whether these emotions brought out this different side of Cas, when the man got like this, he usually wanted it fast and rough and Dean was more than happy to provide this for him, loved the way Cas trusted him enough to take him apart and put him back together again.

Cas somehow managed to kick off of his shoes, followed by his pants and boxers, which were dangling off of one leg. He scrambled, searching his pants pockets for that small bottle of lube he had put there earlier, grunting victoriously a moment later. He impatiently popped the lid open as he lifted up on his knees and pulled Dean free from the confines of his boxers before smearing a good amount of lube on the younger man's straining erection. He shuffled in the cramped space, positioning himself over it, eager and shaking, already overtaken by blissful anticipation, one hand digging into Dean's shoulder.

"Cas, slow down." Dean placed a hand on his husband's cheek, getting him to meet his gaze before kissing his cheek. "Let me at least prep you a bit."

Cas shook his head. "Dean, I just- I want- I _need_ -"

"I know babe, I know. But we've been over this, I don't want to hurt you." They had done this once without any prep and while both had absolutely loved it in the moment, had gotten lost in the raw, animalistic pleasure of it, Dean had been horrified the next morning, when he had discovered a small streak of red among the mess on the sheet. He had sworn to never again do it that rough despite Cas' reassurances that he had been perfectly fine.

"Okay but-"

"I know, not too much. Trust me I know how you like it."

Cas nodded, kissing Dean once, then settled himself slightly more back so Dean would be able to reach his entrance.

Two fingers entered him and Cas mewled in pleasure as he threw his head back, and true to his word Dean did the minimum necessary, just loosening him up enough to hopefully not injure him. Dean withdrew his fingers and grabbed around Cas' waist, helping him to get back into position.

A moment later Cas was sinking down on him, tight bit by torturous tight bit. His sweat-damp forehead was resting on Dean's shoulder and he let out little grunts of pleasure as he adjusted. Dean clung to his waist, guiding him down, kissing Cas' neck and forehead and going out of his mind with need for this man.

Cas started to move then, little slow undulations of his hips at first before lifting himself up and gliding back down. The cramped space in the car somewhat restricted their movements and Dean sank a bit lower on the seat, trying to give Cas more room to move.

"God, _Cas_." Dean panted, feeling out of breath despite the man above him doing most of the work. He steeled his feet on the floor of the Impala, trying to gain some leverage as he tried to find a rhythm for his own upwards thrusts in time with Cas'. Soon the older man was clinging to him, grunting his name over and over as he now slammed down without hesitation, groaning in ecstasy as Dean brushed his prostate on every thrusts.

"Love you so much." Cas whispered into Dean's ear, as his fingers dug into the shoulders of the man under him, in a way that Dean was certain would leave marks.

The younger man suddenly felt too choked up to talk, instead choosing to meet Cas with a desperate kiss, pouring all his love and emotions into it as they both hurdled towards their climax, the car steamy with their combined sweat and body heat.

Cas worked one hand between their sweat slicked bodies, stroking himself once, twice and coming with a shout all over Dean's stomach and dress-shirt, which had never made it all the way off Dean's body and half hung off his frame, Dean coming a second later with a yelp and a groan, holding Cas in place around his waist as he continued to thrust up shallowly into that tight heat.

Cas collapsed bonelessly on top of Dean, moist hot breath tickling against his lover's neck as he laughed breathlessly.

Dean chuckled in response. "I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to drive after this." He mumbled as he pulled Cas in tight against his chest.

Cas just hummed, clearly too out of it to process their predicament.

"Ever spent a night in a car?" Dean asked, stroking Cas' damp hair tenderly.

"Not sure my _old_ bones would be agreeable to that." Cas garbled about a minute after Dean had spoken, like his brain had just received the question.

"So, lemme get this right, your _bones_ are perfectly alright to get at it in this cramped space like horny teenagers, at the side of a road I might add, but sleeping in the car is what will push you over the edge?" Dean laughed fondly.

"Mhh," Was all the answer he got.

"Alright, grouchy pants, don't wanna be responsible for your early demise. Just gimme like ten minutes to recover and we can be on our way."

It was closer to thirty minutes before they were back in the front-seat and pulling onto the road. Dean's shirt had been a lost cause and he had exchanged it for his favorite flannel and while he was at it, changed into his most comfortable pair of jeans as well. Cas was still in his (albeit very rumpled) suit and they probably were quite a pair to look at.

Cas' head rested on Dean's shoulder, their hands intertwined in the small place between their thighs, both exchanging the occasional smile as they drove in silence. The purring of the engine was the only sound to entertain them. At one point Dean absentmindedly started playing with the ring on Cas' finger, twisting it before bringing it up to his mouth placing a small kiss on it and giving Cas' hand a squeeze.

"Who would have thought." Cas whispered into the relative silence, as he in turn lifted Dean's hand to his mouth, his lips traveling along each of Dean's knuckles.

"Yeah." Dean chuckled, briefly turning to peck Cas' cheek while trying his best to keep his eyes on the road and not getting lost in the eyes of his husband.

They settled back into a comfortable silence, there was no necessity for extra words. They knew how they felt about each other and that both would do their goddamn best to continue to make this relationship work, for better or worse. Neither felt the need to turn on the radio. The rumble of the engine was the only soundtrack needed as they drove, both lost in thoughts about the future as the Impala took them steadily west to their two-week honeymoon and the rest of their lives together.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you so much for reading. If you've enjoyed it, please feel free to let me know or to recommend this story as, like most not so well known writers, I rely on word of mouth and recommendations. Love you all!


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